This is in honor of Leonard Nimoy, who devoted so much of his life to the pursuit of opening up new worlds to viewers around the globe and who inspired so many of us to continue to Live Long and Prosper even when it was hard. His death is a tragedy for his family, his fans, and the world. And to all who feel the pain of his passing as I do, know that I can sincerely and truly say that I grieve with thee…
Rest in Peace Dear Friend. You were an inspiration to us all.
Jim sat at his desk with a forlorn expression as he tried and failed to focus on his paperwork.
All he could think about was Spock, and trying to live the rest of his life pretending that he didn't love him.
He'd been able to bear it when Spock was just an unrequited love who was with someone else, but now…..Now that he'd tasted Spock's lips, caressed his body and touched his mind, things could not be as they once were.
Now he knew what it was like to be loved by Spock, totally, utterly and without reservations.
Jim had never been loved like that before and now never would be again.
It took all he had to do his job everyday with Spock so close to him because the difference between before and now were so striking.
Even though they had only been bonded a short while it had been a strong bond and it hurt to not be able to reach for the place in his mind and feel Spock's presence, to know that his Vulcan was okay without having to turn around or ask him.
His first response to seeing Spock each day was still to reach out and share a Vulcan kiss or to touch his cheek.
Now he had to still his hand and endure the sight of his once bondmate sharing Vulcan kisses with his communications officer.
It hurt so much to watch and to know that he would have to watch it for the rest of their mission.
In those few months together Jim had carved out a place for Spock in soul and now there was a gap where Spock had once been. A place in his mind and his heart was bleeding and there was nothing Bones could do to patch it up.
It only hurt all the worse to know that in another life, another setting, they could have worked. That it was possible for Spock to love him, to accept what Jim had known all along. That they were T'hy'la.
The last few months had only proven it, but Jim knew it wasn't right to try and force that fact onto Spock.
He didn't want to make Spock feel like he had to be with him or keep him from starting a family.
All of his old reasons for never confessing to Spock were back and Jim didn't have the heart to take away the life Spock had actually made for himself. To undermine his choices.
He knew he would just have to learn to live off the memory of what they had been for those few precious days.
It was a painful realization.
With a resigned sigh Jim rose from his desk and made his way to bed. He was only a step away from it when the door that connected his room to the bathroom he and Spock shared opened.
Spock stood in the doorway and panted heavily for a moment as his eyes caught Jim's.
The blonde opened his mouth to question what Spock was doing there, but was cut off by his former lover rushing forward and cradling the sides of his face.
Jim stilled beneath the familiar touch and looked up at Spock with questioning eyes.
The Vulcan merely brushed his thumb along the dark circles beneath Jim's eyes that had been left from his many sleepless nights since Spock's thoughts had been taken from him.
Knowing he was the cause of them made Spock's heart ache, but knowing that he could prevent them from thereafter kept him strong.
"T'hy'la." The Vulcan whispered softly between them, allowing it to fill the silence and say all that he could not at that moment.
Jim looked up at him with wide eyes that betrayed both his fear and his hope.
Fear that this was some cruel joke and hope that it wasn't.
Seeing that, Spock grasped Jim's face tighter between his own and kissed him.
He kissed him with a tenderness reserved for only the most intimate of people and in that kiss he felt all that his T'hy'la had felt in his absence.
It was heart wrenching to feel the sharp edges of their broken bond in Jim's mind, even more so because Jim had no shields or training to dull the ever present pain.
A lesser man would not have survived it.
But Jim even in his current state was stronger than anyone that Spock had ever known and he thanked the Ancients that his love had strength enough to await him.
When they pulled apart Jim barely let an inch exist between them as he clung to the man before him with all his strength.
"But they said-. How could you-. Do you?" Jim gasped between them.
Spock smiled slightly and caressed the side of his love's face.
"I remember Jim. I remember everything."
With those words Jim felt his world shift.
It felt like finally, he'd regained his balance since the moment their bond had been severed.
He could feel Spock's mind against his own for the first time in what felt like forever and it soothed the ache inside him that not even Bones could heal.
But the pain was still there, as he suspected it would always be as long as he and Spock were together yet not bound.
"Forgive me." Spock whispered between them.
"Forgive me for not preventing this. For not seeing what was right before my eyes. I hurt you and I didn't even have the sense to see it."
"But what about Uhura?" Jim dared ask.
Spock bowed his head and sighed.
"She and I were over long before this happened. I was just too foolish to admit it."
Knowing that Jim wouldn't be satisfied with just that answer he led Jim to his bed and sat them upon it.
"You must understand Jim. When we met my world was ending. I was reeling from the loss of my mother, my world, and the parts of my mind connected to both. I clung to Uhura thinking that I could not bear to lose another soul who loved me…...But in all that chaos and pain, I still could not ignore what you were to me. How bright you shone to guide my way when my soul was so dimmed by tragedy. It was the thought of losing you and that light that made me decide to stay aboard the Enterprise, not Uhura."
Spock sighed again as he struggled to find a way to make Jim understand why he had done as he had done.
"But you came into my life in the wake of such calamity Jim, I did not know if what I felt for you was real or something I had conjured up to help deal with my pain. I stayed with Uhura because she was something I knew and chose. Something I had before this all occurred. I dare not even dream that you saw anything more in me than a fellow officer or at best a friend. But then when given the opportunity to love you and choose you again I didn't hesitate. My younger self saw through the lies I had blinded myself with and knew at once what I had denied since the moment our eyes met for the first time."
Spock grasped Jim's hand and shaped his fingers into the form necessary for a Vulcan kiss. He then moved his fingers into the same arrangement and brought them to Jim's. Both felt the spark and of something between them, even dimmed as it was by their now broken bond.
"We are T'hy'la. Separate but a part of one another. My younger self with his last few hours made sure that I would never forget what you felt for me and what you had done."
To Jim's disbelief Spock then flushed a light emerald.
"He helped me to remember everything. Even the flames."
Jim flushed too at the reminder of their lovemaking. The memory still burned so vividly in his mind, too brilliant to be tarnished even by his pain and sadness.
To know that Spock still had it, that it had not been lost when so much else had been, lifted a weigh off Jim's shoulders he hadn't known he was still carrying.
"I would face the blazes with you a thousand times if you needed me to. I finally found in you what I have looked for in so many others Spock. I knew and I wished for the right to hope that you saw the same in me."
Jim caressed the side of Spock's face as his own showed a look of wonder.
He hadn't dared to hope that he would ever be able to touch Spock again like this outside of his dreams, but now that he knew he could…..
Spock felt Jim's unspoken desire through his skin and all but shuddered in want.
"Jim, to be apart from you after knowing our unity is agony. Would you allow me to reunite us again?"
Jim smiled at him softly, but then looked down at their joined hands.
"I wish it more than you can ever know Love, but…"
Spock leaned in closer and closed his eyes.
"But?" He questioned quietly.
Already his mind had conjured up a thousand reasons Jim would not have him if his life were not hanging in the balance. A million doubts justified in that one word.
And in that moment Jim looked so horribly fragile.
"Spock, if your mind were to be torn from mine again…I wouldn't survive it. I couldn't endure that kind of loneliness and pain a second time. So if we're to be reunited again, you must promise me that it's for forever. That you won't change your mind or leave me or-."
Spock silenced his loved with a kiss that promised all that and so much more.
"Never again T'hy'la. I will be yours for always and in all ways. Once you are mine, I will never let you."
Jim would have believed him even if he couldn't feel his sincerity bleeding from his skin, so he didn't hesitate to tilt his face enough for Spock to touch his meld points.
The Vulcan recited the ancient chant of his people that Jim knew by heart and in an instant they found themselves intertwined with each other.
To Spock it was like seeing the light again after an eternity of darkness.
But to Jim it was like being welcomed back to a place he knew every inch of, but still had only just begun to explore.
To them both, it felt like coming home.
Here's a happy ending to dull the pain of the loss of Leonard Nimoy. Please know that I am crying as I write this and that while this great man is no longer with us, he lives on in our work and in our hearts.
May we all live long and prosper as he would have wished.
Yours truly,
Jessica499499