Thanks to chris210racer for reviewing.
Thanks to zingdev, scotlandnmerica, and an anon for the prompt!
This here is my 50 tumblr follower celebratory ficlet or whatever you want to call it. My prompters asked for a love triangle (one between JohnRoxyVriska and another betwixt JohnRoxyRose) But I made a love rhombus with all four instead. Hopefully yall will be okay with that.
Date Night (John/Roxy)
= Be John Egbert
You are John Egbert. Which means you've somehow managed to set yourself up on three separate dates, with three different girls, on one night, in the same restaurant. Any normal guy would probably feel like they're in over their head, right? Nope. Not you. You've seen this sitcom-esque trope play itself out more than a hundred times before on television, so you weren't too distressed by the situation at first. I mean seriously, what could possibly go wrong?
Right now you're cowering in a bathroom stall, sitting perched atop the toilet seat with your phone clutched tightly in your hands. The amount of time it takes for you to dial her number is waaaay too damn long and your anxiety grows with each press of a button. Needless to say, by the time she finally picks up on the second ring, you're all but hyperventilating.
"Hello?" She answers, confused and oblivious, like the god-damn world isn't about to end.
"Jade!" Her name explodes from your lips like the cork from a champagne bottle. God, you never knew how sweet the sound of your sister's voice could be. "I need your help! I need your help really, really bad! I'm literally fuck-deep in danger here."
"Uhhhh." You hear some rustling on the other end as Jade adjusts her grip on the phone. "John, what the hell are you talking about? I thought you were on a date with Roxy. Where are you now?"
"I'm in the bathroom at the restaurant, Magnum Slope De Fantasy, or something."
"You mean, 'Manger Salope de Fantaisie'?" She corrects, utilizing perfect French.
"Sure. Whatever. I don't have time for any high-falutin European lingo here, Jade. I'm pretty sure that my entire life is collapsing around me right now."
"Oh, don't be so dramatic." You can practically picture Jade, heaving an exasperated sigh and rolling her eyes skyward. If eye rolling was an Olympic event, she'd be a gold medalist. "You know that Roxy is totally cool! There's no reason for you to be nervous. I mean, it's not like one bad date is going to ruin your entire life…"
"Fuhhh. That's not it." You cut her off with a groan. "It's more- more complicated."
"Well then, explain the problem to me."
You wipe the sweat from your brow as you try to come up with the right words to accurately explain how shitty this situation is. As of right now, your long-time crush Roxy Lalonde, her sister/your best friend Rose, and your mildly psychotic ex Vriska Serket are all waiting outside for you to return, unawares that your attention is actually being split three ways. It's a total clusterfuck and your tower of soap bubbles has steadily been losing structural support for the last hour or so. Left with no choice, you've turned to Jade, the only person who you can probably count on to help you out whole-heartedly. Closing your eyes, you take a deep breath and start talking:
"Maybe I should start from the beginning…"
= Be John Egbert, but you know, be a past John Egbert, because this is a flashback
You are a past version of John Egbert. Which means that you're having of one those classic, John Egbertian days, where you do typical, John Egbertian things.
Such as: sucking hard at video games.
"Ha!" Screams your competitor, jumping from the sofa in celebration. "That's the fifth time in a row! Suck my race car dong, Johnny!"
Roxy Lalonde, total babe and master champion of F-Zero, then proceeds to position her controller above her pelvis and thrust it towards your face, attempting fit the remote in your mouth, of all places. Despite your defeat, you chuckle along and gently shove her away, sending her tumbling back onto the couch in a fit of giggles.
"Alright, alright. That was pretty good, I'll give you that." Gripping your own controller tightly, you start the next game. "But all of your victories are moot-point as of now. This is the real deal. The kiddy play-time gloves are coming off."
"Oooh Ho ho. I hope so!" Roxy bounces up into the sitting position, moving to sit by your side. Even though you're blinded by the haze of competition, flashy video games, and a junk food-induced sugar rush, you can't help but notice the way she rubs her elbow against yours, or shifts her legs so that her skirt rides up just the right amount, and feel a little heat blossom in your cheeks.
Okay, maybe a lot of heat, but whatever. Roxy's cool and yeah she's a girl, and yeah she's pretty, and yeah maybe you wouldn't smooching her if she was up for it, but there's no way in hell you're losing this last game. It will take more than a few silly feminine wiles, no matter how effective, to break your concentration.
"Heh. You know what? This is a lot of fun!" She continues, wriggling on the spot along with her game. "Just chilling with you, bullshiting about whatev's, playing video games. Why don't we do this more often?"
"I dunno." You shrug. "We've both got school and you're working too. I'd like to do this all the time if I could!"
"Well, duhhh. I know we got other stuff to do, but I'm talking about when we're just dead bored. Like, on the weekends and stuff. Why the hell aren't we cold-chilling any time we get the chance?!" She takes a turn a little fast and leans into you as she corrects. You catch a strong whiff of an intoxicating perfume, something sweet, like strawberries. "Do you ever think about that?"
"I- I guess. Sometimes." Damn, was it always so warm in this room?
You know that your roommate/best bro for life, Dave Strider, likes to keep things hottwenty-four seven, three sixty-five thousand, but come on. The apartment doesn't always need to be an uncomfortable eighty degrees, does it? You'll talk to him about it later, when you aren't on the panicle of another spectacular, high-speed defeat.
"I mean, I like hanging out with Jane and Rose," Roxy is still talking. "They're both a regular blast, but like spending time with you is different than with them."
"Really?" You take your eyes off the screen for half a second to look at her profile, all smooth curves and full lips. "Why's that?"
"Because with you…" Roxy casts you a quick glance, accompanied by a wink. "I always win!"
And sure enough, the game ends with another RoLal victory.
As she cheers and gloats, and attempts to force you to fellate one of your SNES controller again, you can't help but feel a little disappointed. Not about the outcome of the game per say, that shit was a given, but more about where you thought she was going with that particular topic. You'd been almost a hundred percent sure that you were on the verge of a romantic breakthrough.
Oh well. The time just wasn't right, you suppose.
"Awww. Don't look so down, Johnny." She pats your knee in a comforting manner, still grinning madly. "You just need a little more practice, perhaps I could… give you some pointers sometime?"
Hmmmmmmm?
You look up from the ground, where you eyes had settled after your loss, to find her eyebrows doing some sort of tribal dance above her large, pink eyes. You vaguely realize that you're supposed to be picking up on some sort of social cue right about now, but for the life of you can't figure out necessarily what. When confused, you default to honesty mode:
"I don't know if that's going to do any good." You begin. "You see, I think most video games have to do with natural skill and stuff. I guess I just don't have the right genes for… EEE!"
You let out a horrible, unmanly noise when she suddenly seizes two great fistfuls of your shirt.
"Oh. Just shut up, you dweeb." She snorts and then presses her lips to yours.
So as it turns out, Roxy doesn't just smell like strawberries. It takes a second before you can reciprocate a hundred percent, the shock of the kiss having fried all of your mental processes temporarily. However, when your mind catches up, your body is quick to follow. The floor isn't as soft or comfortable as the sofa, but that's where you end up regardless.
You sit, side by side on the carpet, kissing lazily in an almost dream-like plane of existence. It's kind of funny, you suppose, as this is probably one of the coolest things that's ever happened to you, so cool in fact, that it can probably only be properly appreciated in the fifth dimension or above, in ways you can neither sense nor fathom. If Dave was here he could affirm this, although you should probably stop thinking of your best bro whilst you're mid-way through making out with a pretty girl.
"Was that too forward?" Asks Roxy when you pull apart. You're happy to see that your face isn't the only one currently glowing like stop sign. "Oh shit. I'm so sorry, I really sort of thought that's where this was going."
"I, er- What?" You splutter. "No. No, don't be sorry. That was unexpected, yeah, but it was awesome like really awesome. I was totally getting the same vibes off of this entire situation, don't worry."
"Oh, okay. Sweet." She grins and presses another, quick kiss to your cheek. "I get worried sometimes that I tend to, uh- jump the gun or whatever. Holy shit. Why is it so hot in here?" She fans herself with her hand. "I think you could fry an egg on top of the coffee table, christ on a bike."
"Dave likes to keep things hot." You answer with a shrug. "Hey, do you wanna make out some more."
"Ummmm. What time is it?" Roxy, still fanning herself, checks her watch. "Damn, I shooould get going actually, but what the hell. Five more minutes.
Five more minutes later:
"Okay, I should go now. I promised Rose that I'd help her with something for later tonight." Roxy disentangles herself from you and bounces to her feet, adjusting her hair and skirt whilst she moves about the room. "Have you seen my coat?"
"It's on the…. coat rack. You know, where the coats go?"
"Oh. Haha!" She lets out another peal of laughter and you decide that you like making her laugh. "Damn, I'm all flustered. You sure do know how to rustle a girl's jimmies, Johnny. We'll have to do this again some time."
"Yeah! Totally." You follow her to the door. "What about later today? You said you have to help Rose, but what about after? Would you like to… catch some dinner, or something?"
She pauses in the hall, mid-way through shrugging on her coat. Her lip twists as she thinks and you find yourself taking notice of the fact that her lips twist when she thinks. Man, it's been so long since you've had a girlfriend; it's easy to forget what the early stages are like. You take notice of her little facial expressions, of the way she always seems to stand with her hip jutted out to the side, of that little sprig of blonde hair that always seems to curl just above her brow…
Roxy is your girlfriend now, right? You aren't just so love-starved that you're projecting all of this stuff… right?
"Dinner sounds good. I got a coupon from work for this fancy smancy French place down town. Let's call it a date." She kisses you again.
"Oh. Okay, then I'll call you tonight."
"Call me every damn night." And then, before you can question as to the true status of your relationship, she's sweeps out the door like a specter and disappears into the wildness once again, taking with her all of your confusion and jubilation and titillation and something else that ends with 'ion' that you can't really think of at the moment.
Roxy is your girlfriend now. She has to be. If the few things you know about relationships point to anything, it's that people who kiss, go on dinner dates, and talk on the phone at night are dating. It's the trifecta of romance, the three necessities for passionate flame, the kind of stuff a guy like you really shouldn't be a part of.
Roxy is not your girlfriend now. She's too pretty, smart, hilarious, cool, and you're just… John Egbert, with messy hair, messier teeth, and one pair of jeans that you wear pretty much every day. She kissed you because it was funny, because she'll be able to laugh about it later with Jane and all her work pals, chattering how lame that dork Egbert is and how bad he is at F-Zero.
"Dumbass." You bop yourself on the head and speak into the quiet apartment. "You're complicating everything. Roxy wouldn't treat anyone like that. Just play it cool, you're going on a date tonight, just be cool."
Just be cool? How can John Egbert be cool?
You flop back onto the sofa and find yourself staring at the discarded game controllers left on the rug. Roxy is your friend, first and foremost. It's been that way for a while, ever since your other best friend, Rose, introduced you to her sister. You and Roxy are going to have fun tonight and everything is going to be fine.
Yet, even as your mind plays racquet ball with itself, flopping between panic and security, you're already pulling out your cell phone, flipping it open, and dialing Dave's number. If anyone can talk sense into you, at least where girls are concerned, it's him.
However, as your finger hovers over the final button, your phone suddenly buzzes to life of it's own accord. Someone has taken it upon themselves to send you a text, and as you stare at the name of the sender, you feel a bizarre cluster of emotions morph together in your gut, a mix between pleasant surprise and mind-numbing fear. You read the text:
Joooooooohn! Guess whose 8ack in town again? Haha! Meet me at the park in 8 minutes, and I seriously mean 8 minutes this time!
Don't 8e l8.
- Vriska ::::)
Deciding that you're definitely going to regret this, you retrieve your coat from the coat rack and leave the safety of your apartment. The walk to the park, which you believe is the one she's referring to, is straight and short, but you somehow manage to find the time to ponder the magic of the universe and the uncanny coincidences it sometimes whips your way.
What are the odds that mere minutes after fathering a new romantic prospect, an old one, with which you harbor many mixed emotions, would suddenly spring up out of nowhere with a random text. If you needed proof that there was some higher being subjecting you to their devious pranksters gambit for their own twisted enjoyment, here it is.
It's Friday afternoon so the park is mostly empty, with the kiddies being at school and the adulties slaving away at their various jobs. You find Vriska easily enough, swinging lazily on the swing set with her long, spindly legs rocking underneath her and her long, tangled hair billowing behind her like a proud flag.
She leaps off the swing at the highest point, executes a perfect triple lindy, and sticks the landing right in front of you. Grinning despite yourself, you give her a ten out of ten as she bows and sweeps her arms as if she's standing on a stage, high above an audience of screaming fans. And hell, Vriska might just believe that she is.
"Remember me?" She asks, brushing her hair over her shoulder in a badass flip.
Hell, everything about Vriska is pretty badass, especially her back-story: when she was fifteen her house caught fire in the middle of the night and burned down. She lost an eye and her left arm in the blaze, along with her mother. I know what you're thinking, sad right? But naw. Her mom was a huge bitch and plus Vriska easily looks eighty times more badass with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb.
There's always a silver lining.
"Of course I remember you, Vriska. Why else would I be here right now. Haha." You laugh and scuff the toe of your sneaker against the ground. The whole playground used to be covered with an inch thick layer of sand until the city replaced it with wood chips. Kinda seems like a bad move in your eyes, as you'd much rather get some sand accidentally thrown in your eye than a wood chip.
Anyways, you're getting distracted.
"I had to ask." Responds Vriska with a shrug. "We haven't seen each other in a while. What's it been? Two months? Half a year?"
"Uh, try three years."
"Wow. That long, huh?" She moves back over to the swing set and reclaims her ride. She motions for you to join her. "I suppose time flies when you're having fun. I've been all over the place, John. North, south, east, west, you name it!"
You don't know of any other cardinal directions, so you just keep your peace. Sinking into the vacant swing by her side, you kick off weakly and drift to and fro through the late fall air.
"How long have you been in town?" You ask.
"Like twenty minutes."
"And you just instantly decide to text me?"
"Well, of course! There no one else in this shit town worth talking to, if you ask me. Besides," She grins that wicked grin that hikes up your blood pressure a few notches, whether from terror or excitement you don't know. "You and I have unfinished business, Pupa. Or do you really not remember?"
You swallow hard.
"What kind of unfinished business? Nothing illegal, right? I don't think I want to get wrapped up in anything dangerous."
"Depends what your definition of 'danger' is." She reaches into the pocket of her leather jacket and pulls out a box of cigarettes. "Dammit. You wouldn't happen to have a light, would you?"
"Nope."
"Humph." Vriska turns the carton over and over in her hands, as if she can absorb the nicotine by osmosis. "Well, anyways, before I decided to go out and be awesome three or some odd years ago, I believe I asked you a certain question. If you don't remember what it is, allow me to give you a few hints. The question has eight words, it begins with 'would', ends with 'date' and I think there's a 'you like to go on a' in there somewhere."
You swallow hard, again, and agitate the scratchy feeling that'd sprung up in your throat ever since you'd first stepped foot outside. This has to go down in the history books as one of the weirdest occurrences to ever be fathomed. John Egbert, dork extraordinaire, stumbling upon two romantic encounters within the same hour? Holy shit. Look up in the sky! Is that Bill Cosby riding Haley's Comet like a wild stallion and singing the Canadian National anthem, whilst fighting a platoon of Space Orcs, aka Sporcs?
It must be, because today just seems like one of those days.
"Listen, Vriska. That's a really nice offer…" You begin.
"I know it is!" She interrupts excitedly, twisting in her swing to face you. "That's what's so cool about it! Imagine that invitation, hanging in the air for three years to finally be redeemed tonight of all nights. It's fate, John, destiny if you ever believed in that."
"Well, yeah- maybe, but I really don't think…
"You wondered why I contacted you first thing when I got here." She continues. "And really it's for a lot of reasons. Understand something for me, John. I have soooo many friends, almost too many to handle. They're all radical and badass, and if you met any of them, you'd probably piss your briefs. However, do you know what you have that none of them do? Take a guess, John. It's the reason we're sitting here right now."
You wrack your brains for what it is she could be talking about.
"Is it…"
"It's dependability, John. If there's one thing that I hate more than anything…" Vriska's expression suddenly darkens, her lip rises in a feral snarl, and she pantomimes violently crushing something to death against her knee. "It's some trashy piece of trash who doesn't keep their promises. Fuck people like that, John. Fuck em to hell and back again. I wanna kill them all!"
Her shout echoes around the park and throughout the inside of your skull. For an instant, you imagine yourself in Vriska's grasp, struggling for air as she crushes you to death in her powerful grip. You try to reassure yourself that Vriska would never actually do that to someone, but then again, it has been three years. You aren't so sure anymore.
When you come back to reality, she's still talking about one thing or another and gesticulating wildly with her hands.
"So yeah. That's what makes you special, John. You never back down." She lunges out then and seizes you by the wrist. Before you can react, she's whipped out a pen and begun scribbling on your hand. "Come by here tonight an hour before eight. We'll get dinner, chat it up, and… see where it goes from there. Catch you later, Pupa!"
She winks, or maybe she blinks, it's hard to tell with the one eye and all. You're still staring at your tattooed palm when she climbs out of the swing and takes off across the park
"Wait, Vriska! I don't think I…" But it's too late. She's already gone and you're left sitting on the swing alone like an idiot. You reread the message on your hand. It's the name of a restaurant, accompanied by an address: 'Manger Salope de Fantaisie' on the corner of Opulent Street and Lavish Avenue. "Shit."
You'll have to cancel with Roxy, or at least that's what you decide, as you trudge back to your apartment. You haven't seen Vriska in a long time and it would be cool to catch up with her, in the most friendly and platonic way possible. Roxy is understanding and cool, she'll totally get it. Plus, there's a good chance Vriska will cause you bodily harm if you flake.
With your mind made up, you return to your apartment and begin casting about your shitty bedroom for the appropriate clothes to wear for tonight. As you're deciding between a shirt or a shirt with buttons, your phone buzzes unexpectedly with a rather long series of texts. Fearing the worst, you check your cell and experience a wave of relief to see that it's just Roxy and not another sultry lady from the past.
can't wait for our date tonite johny
johnny*
its gonna be so fuking cash it feels like all the stars n plants have aligned and the destny wizards are all just tossing coffetti on me in a colorful shower of magestiy
im the queen of dateville it is me watch as I wave my imperial hands in the celbratory parade and you shall be my regal as shit king
anyways remembr those cupons i mentioned
coupons*
theyre for this fancy ass eatery in fancy town square Manger Salope de Fantaisie lmao if you can believe it or not
i should be dne with rose by seven
meet me there johnnycake
- roxy ;)
Is Roxy drunk?
You check you watch. It's only two thirty in the afternoon. If Roxy is already tipping back the drinks, then that can only mean one of two things: A) she's preparing to make the best out of an incredibly shitty night with John the dork master or B) she's really excited/nervous and is preemptively loosening up.
Either way, she's committed as hell and you…
You're going to have to cancel with her.
Or are you?
Already the cogs are beginning to turn in your head, a sinister idea that weaves itself into a consequence scarf the likes of which would probably get Rose herself hot and bothered. Two girls want to go on a date with you to the same restaurant, at the same time. Canceling on either Roxy or Vriska is something you want to avoid. You'll doubt that you'll be able to convince the girls to share you for the evening. They'd both probably scoff at the proposition and kick your ass to the curb, rejection-style.
So there's only one choice left.
You, John Egbert, will have to go on two dates at the same time. It won't be easy, chances are that it will all blow up in your face, but it's too late. You've made up your mind. There's no backing out now. You're making this happen.
As you pillage Dave's room for one of his ironic neckties, you continue to plan out the finer details of your evening with great excitement. How many times in a person's life is an opportunity like this expected to come by? It's a cosmic coincidence, one you would have to be foolish not to embrace.
If you pull this off, you project that your prankster's gambit will quadruple tenfold. Your dad would be proud, rest his good soul.
Or, at least you think he'd be proud. That's what you tell yourself at least, as you take a seat on your bed, fix your eyes on your watch, and follow the hour hand as it slowly swivels up to seven-o-clock.
Manger Salope de Fantaisie is built like a magical palace. The floors are shiny, the walls are adorned with pictures of important-looking dudes, and all the waiters even have those really thin mustaches, like Alfred Pennyworth or John Waters, which would put your unkempt man-scruff to shame if you hadn't shaved earlier.
Roxy is waiting across the main foyer when you get inside and you're horribly aware of the slapping sound your sneakers make against the marble floors as you walk briskly towards her. When she sees you, she grins widely, flashing teeth as white as snow and squeezing all the air from your lungs.
Fuck. You can't do this.
"Hey there." She says and fuck are her cheeks glowing slightly? Or is that just these gilded chandeliers? She steps up and hugs you quickly. "You look positively charming, Johnny."
"Heh. Not really." And you don't. "But, you… god, you look amazing!"
And she does. Her dress is pink, but not like that obnoxious pink some girls wear to prom. It's classy and refined and really, really form-fitting. You suddenly wish that you hadn't dressed like an asshole.
"Thanks." She gives a small spin, giggling the whole time. "Rose's friend, Kankanayuh, made it custom."
"Wow. That sounds… expensive." You offer her your arm and she takes it. Together, you walk towards that podium thing where the hostess stands. You don't know what it's called.
"It was actually surprisingly affordable! Kanjiaya owns her own little boutique on the other side of town and she hooked me up with a rockin deal. It's a super cute store. We should go sometime."
"Yeah, maybe." You doubt you'll ever go to a clothing boutique under your own volition. Talk about boring, regardless, it's Kanaya's store that you talk about while the hostess leads you to your table at the far end of the restaurant. You pull out Roxy's chair for her, like a proper two-timing gentleman, and slide into your own seat.
"Shit. Check out that view." She gasps. Your table is situated next to a large window and the glittering cityscape shimmers beyond the spotless glass. "Man, I always forget how pretty this town can be at night. Then bam! You're suddenly eating in a restaurant like Scrooge McDuck and get blind-sided by this beauty."
"Yeah, it's nice." You wish you had something more poetic to say. "Uh, speaking of stupidly-rich Disney characters, just exactly what are those coupons you got from work for?"
"Oh yeah!" Roxy reaches into her purse and pulls out twin slips of paper. She offers you one and examines the other. "We can use these vouchers for two free desert cups. How sweet is that?!"
"Pretty damn sweet." You chuckle. "I guess we'll be going elsewhere for dinner, huh?"
"Hell yes. I don't think all the money in the world could buy a full meal here. Shit," She snatches one of the silver forks from the table and spins it betwixt her fingers. "This silverware is probably a good chunk of my college tuition."
"More like the whole thing. Haha." You begin to relax. "So what were you helping Rose with earlier?"
"You know. Sister stuff. She's going on date tonight too actually and I promised that I'd help her get all dolled up." The silver fork continues to spin lazily on her palm, glinting smugly at you. "You know how long it's been since she got out there and met someone, so I wanted to makes sure that she put her best foot forward."
"Oh." You declare. "Good for her."
"Mhmm." The fork comes to an abrupt stop in her fist. "That wasn't a jab at you, by the way. It's not your fault that Rose shut herself up in her witch's tower for so long."
"It kind of feels like it's my fault though." You admit. "Does she… know that we're out tonight?"
"Eh, I sort of… skimmed around it. I'll tell her about us later, when she's got her own hot young honey to occupy her time. You shouldn't feel guilty about us, John. She broke up with you." Roxy is firm, solving the matter simply. "And that's all there is to say on the matter. But whatev's. I didn't come here tonight to talk about your past relationship with my GD sister." She leans forward in her chair then, resting her elbows on the table. "I'd much rather talk about you and me."
"Is that so?" You lean forward as well, Rose forgotten, the epitome of suave. "What about us?"
"Just the basics, how awesome we are together now and just how much this night is going to rock ultimate."
"Haha. I'm really glad you came out tonight, Roxy. If I'm being honest, I've sort of had a thing for you for a long…" You phone buzzes in your pocket then. "I- uh."
"Go on." Roxy prompts, inching closer.
"I'm sorry." Reaching into your pocket, you dig out your phone and peek at it under the table. It's Vriska, she's here, and she's waiting for you. "But I've got to use the restroom. I'll be back as soon as possible!"
"Whoa, what if the waiter comes by?" Roxy asks, as you jump up from your seat. "We can probably fork up enough cash to buy a couple drinks. Do you want anything?"
"Just water for now. I'll be back!" You dash away, weaving between the many white-clothed tables, towards the front of the restaurant once more.
Vriska is waiting in the foyer, leaning against the wall, tapping her toe against the hard ground as if counting the seconds it takes for you to join her side.
"You're a little late there, Pupa." She smirks. "Funny, I always pictured you as the punctual type."
"I'm punctual… most of the time." You add. "Er, you look really nice, Vriska."
And she does. Dark blue dress, heavy makeup, hair pulled back, eye patch decorated with a cluster of eight sapphires. Where in the hell did she get the money for that thing? It's easily one of the coolest things you've ever seen.
She takes you by the arm, bypasses the hostess podium whatchamacallit entirely and guides you like a show dog to a table near the east side of the restaurant. You breathe a sigh of relief when you find that Roxy's table is obscured from view in this area, and are quick to pull out Vriska's chair for her, before taking your own seat like earlier.
"I was worried that the eye patch might be a little much." She says, gesturing to the jewel-encrusted space. "But then I realized that this might be one of the few opportunities to wear it and I just thought, what the hell, you know?"
"Ah. Yeah. Exactly." You hope that Roxy isn't getting lonely. You've only been gone probably about forty-five seconds, but still, you should probably get going back soon.
"I like that tie. What is that? It looks like a snot monster."
"It's a slimer, from ghostbusters." You finger the strip of fabric absentmindedly. "I wanted to borrow a tie from Dave, but he didn't have any ones as cool as this. My sister got it for me for my birthday last year."
"Wow you're still paling around with Dave and Jade? After all this time? Psshh. Come on, John." She leans over the table and thumps you on the forehead with the heel of her hand. "You need to expand your horizons. How are you ever going to better yourself as a person if you're still chilling with the same old crowd?"
"Well Dave is my roommate and Jade is my sister so…"
"Doesn't matter. Look at me, John." She spreads her arms wide, not caring when she nearly elbows a passing waiter in the ribs. "I severed ties with nearly everyone in my life, went out in search of adventure, and came back better than ever. That's the kind of drastic measures you have to take in life if you want to go far. Our time on this earth is too short to be dragging our feet with the riffraff."
You wish she wouldn't refer to your friends as 'riffraff' and you sort of don't like the way she's trying to give you life advice. But you keep your discomfort to yourself. In all honesty, Vriska looks great, and probably knows what she's talking about when it comes to this stuff.
"Where did you go after you left?" You ask curiously. "I mean, you didn't write or call or anything until this afternoon. You just up and vanished."
"I went south first, if you must know." She talks, like she wasn't itching to tell you all about it anyways. "I hitchhiked down the coast to the bay, found a job with the sailors there, and spent about a year shrimp-fishing on the high seas."
"Holy shit."
"I know, right? Let me tell you, Pupa. I learned a lot of things from that job. The sea is a force of nature, beautiful and terrible in it's own right. I've watched men go mad from the sun's heat, witnessed the decay of moral convictions, and single-handedly delivered a baby seal into this world from it's mother's womb."
"You delivered a baby seal? Don't seals… kind take care of that themselves?"
"I'm sorry, John, but was I finished talking?"
"It sort of seemed like you were."
"Well, I wasn't. Goodness, you seem to have lost your manners in the time I've been gone. You'd do well not to interrupt me again. Anyways, as I was saying…"
"I need to take a piss- I mean, use the restroom." You're already rising from your chair. "Just hold that thought for one second, alright?"
Before Vriska can respond, you abscond away again and make your way back to Roxy's table. This is going to be exhausting, you can already tell, but as of right now, you're still relatively confident that you can pull this off. Just as long as no more wrenches get thrown into the mix.
Man, you wish there was some wood nearby to knock on.
A large group of waiters are tending to an even larger group of patrons, some kind of socialite dinner, in the center of the restaurant, and you're forced to skirt around them. As you cut through the west-facing side of the restaurant, a small voice suddenly catches your attention.
"J- John?"
You turn to find none other than Rose Lalonde sitting by herself at small table. A napkin flashes up from her lab to dab at her eyes, wiping away the faint ghosts of… tears? Is Rose crying? Are you really about to get involved with this right now?
Fuck.
"What- What are you doing here?" She continues quickly, wiping her face clean with the speed and efficiency known only to the likes of Fredrick Taylor. "Not to sound, um, incredulous, you're free to dine wherever you want. Haha. It's just… a surprise to see you here, not an unpleasant one either. Don't insinuate that…"
She's rambling now, anxious that you've caught her at such a vulnerable state. Before you know what you're doing, you're pulling out the chair opposite her and sitting down.
"What's the matter, Rose?" You ask, genuinely concerned. "You don't look too good."
"Ha." A small laugh escapes her black-painted lips and she's quick to take a drink from her glass, clear and full of a dark bitter liquid. "You always were the charming fellow, John."
"What? Oh no. No! You don't look bad. You look fantastic."
And she does. Her usual headband has her hair pulled back from her face and parted perfectly so as to frame the familiar curve of her cheeks. A recognizable orange dress sits delicately on her shoulders and you can't help but recall scenes of the past, much like this, when you and her had still been dating.
"Ah. That's more like it." She takes another drink from her glass and when she pulls it away again, she's smiling. "Forgive me. Tonight has been especially stressful for all the wrong reasons. I'm afraid that my time has been wasted on empty promises and wishful thinking."
"What's the problem?"
Heaving a sigh, Rose rolls her eyes towards the heavens. If eye rolling was an Olympic event, and if Jade was a gold medalist, then Rose would be her fucking coach. It's just another familiar thing about Rose. You've seen that exasperated look enough times you could probably sketch it on canvas if you had to. Her nails tap against the rim of her glass as she looks at you with an odd expression of contemplation.
"How can I put this?" She mutters, quietly so you have to strain to hear. "I've been… stood up, John. Forgotten by a third party, left to my own lonely devices, cast aside without a second thought. My date flaked, my friend."
"Oh."
"Oh. Indeed." Another drink. "But no matter. There's not much that can be done as of now concerning my situation. Something inside me knew that this excursion was going to end up a pointless endeavor."
"You came anyways though."
"Of course. How am I supposed to find contentedness through companionship without actually meeting people?" She shakes her head. "I suppose I'll have to find my comfort elsewhere, through non-sociable means." She chuckle then. "Oh god. I'm sorry, John. You were just passing by and I roped you into this. You must think I'm quite the dramatic, pissy bitch."
"Well, I always knew that you were a little theatrical." You grin. "I'm sorry that your date didn't show up, Rose, but… maybe this night doesn't have to be a total waste?"
"Really?" She smirks slightly, and rests her chin on the back of hand. "Do you mean to say that you've concocted a plan to salvage my evening?"
"Perhaps." Fucking shit. Are you really going to do this? "Let me buy you another drink, Rose. When's the last time you and I just hung out and shot the breeze?"
"Probably when I broke up with you." She admits truthfully, if a little sadly. "I'm sorry. I'm a little intoxicated honestly and a little depressed, so don't take anything I say to heart. I won't commandeer your time, John. At the risk of sounding pitiful: I'm sure that your attention is better served elsewhere."
"Oh, like I can abandon you after that!" You snort. "Come on, Rose. I'm not going to walk away while you're feeling down. Let me get you another drink. What's your poison?"
Rose looks like she's ready to argue. Her mouth opens, prepared to shoot back with some response detailing perfectly just how capable she is without company, how she doesn't need you to save the day, how she's perfectly fine begin alone, sad, and drunk.
But then her mouth closes.
"Perhaps another glass of Dal Forno Romano?"
"Coming right up!" You raise a finger to signal a passing waiter.
By the time you finally manage to get back to Roxy's table, Rose is feeling a little bit drunker, a little bit better, and a lot more friendly. Everything is fine as she talks about her latest work of fiction, how her cat Jaspers fell ill to a bad can of tuna, and her most recent sibling spat with Dave. It's when she brings up the idea that the pair of you should share the same chair to conserve space and body heat, of all things, that you decide it's time for a break.
"Hey there. You sure did take your time. Haha." Roxy grins widely once more, as you reclaim your seat. You notice that not only are there several empty martini glasses on her side of the table, but that your free deserts have long-since arrived and that a good portion of yours is missing. "Sorry that I nibbled on your dessy. You have no idea how hungry I am. Ha!"
"On scale of one to ten, how drunk are you?"
"A solid five and a half hats."
"Wonderful." You laugh and she joins in. It lasts a lot longer than it should and before you know it, you're both gasping for air. "Oh man. What the hell were we talking about before I left?"
"I have no idea. Bleh." She's still giggling a bit. "How much cash do you have on you, Johnny? Let's pool our funds and get an appetizer or something before I friggin curl up and die."
"Uhhh." You dig through your wallet and throw some cash on the table, then snatch up one of the menus to peruse the options. "What do you want?"
"Something salty, I dunno, surprise me!" She adds her own money to the table, a considerably larger stack of bills. It makes sense, you suppose. Roxy actually has a job.
"How's work going?" You ask, segueing seamlessly.
"You know how it is, higher-ups breathing down our necks, interns taking our proteins out of the oven before they denature fully, all that jazz."
"Do you actually have a protein oven?"
"It's a figure of speech." Roxy flaps her hand vaguely. "Too put it short though: it's been a whole lot more grinding recently. Boss makes up for being a hardass by giving us," She flicks her empty plate with a nail. "GD coupons. Haha."
"Would you ever quit?"
"Naw. It's too convenient. The hours work well with my classes, plus all my co's are real nice too. I can't leave my bebe's behind." She blows a stray hair out of her face and continues. "Ugh. John. I thought we agreed that this right here," She gestures around the table. "Was going to be a no-bad-feel-zone. Let's talk about cool stuff, man! What did you think of the latest Die Hard film?"
"Oh, fucking Die Hard Seven: the Return of Robo-Hans Gruber?" You close your eyes and savor the pleasant memory. "Do I even need to say how awesome that god-damn movie was?"
"Hell no! It was easily the most heavy metal thing I've ever seen. That Jude Law cameo was priceless!"
"Tell me about it." You didn't know Roxy was a fan of Jude Law. "But I think we can all agree that the ending was the best part, right?"
"Of course, that song was ridiculous." Her eyes glimmer as she opens her mouth and beings to sing. "Can't worry 'bout what other people might say. It's who I am!"
You continue where she left off:
"Gotta live my dream my own way!"
And together, you finish strong:
"Push it to the limit, limit! Gonna turn it up!"
"Hey, I know that this is a public place and all." A man leans over from his own table and speaks quietly. "But I'm here with my wife and it's the one night in probably the entire year where we're going to have some time to ourselves without our brat kids ruining everything, so I'd seriously appreciate if you could shut your fucking mouths."
"Whoa, dude." Roxy snickers. "Ever hear of taking a chill pill?"
"Ever hear of getting curb stomped until YOU PISS BLOOOD!"
The man's wife reaches out and seizes him by the lapels.
"God-dammit, Kyle! You always do this." She cries. "Let's just go, dammit. Let's just go, please."
The older couple rises from their table, mid-way through their meal, and all but rush from the restaurant. Everyone within the vicinity watches with confusion before turning to look at you and Roxy with bewildered expressions. Suddenly the center of attention, you do your best to turn as invisible as possible. Meanwhile, Roxy seems to be having a total blast.
"Holy shit. That was crazy!" She grins at you over the table. Something about that smile is starting to get to you, like it's some kind of drug. You feel lightheaded. "I cannot believe that just happened. Did you see that shit, John? The woman has her man fucking whipped, let me tell you. Lmao."
She literally just said 'lmao' like it was a word. You think you might be in love.
"Maybe we should try to keep a low profile from here on out." You take a greedy drink from your water. It's ice-cold and funny-tasting. You suppose the odd taste has something to do with the absence of all the procedural chemicals pumped into your usual drinking water. It's off-putting and you decide that you don't like it. "How much longer do you want to stay here? If you're hungry we could…"
You could what? Leave? You've got two other dates on the line, dumbass. Luckily, Roxy picks up what you've dropped.
"Let's stay a while longer." She says, taking the menu from your limp hand. You'd forgotten that you were holding it. "I wanna see if this place's bites live up to it's barks, if you catch my drift."
"Sure." You feel your phone buzz in your pocket and you're relatively sure as to who it is. "Hey, I'm sorry, but I've got to use the restroom again. Too much water, you know?"
"Oh." Roxy's face falls and she eyes your water glass. "Okay. Hurry back, alright?"
"Yeah. I'll be back before you can say: 'oh shit, I hope that John isn't on two other dates with two other girls'. Haha." You chuckle nervously and Roxy turns her curious glance upon you. "Uh. Be right back."
Vriska is not pleased.
"Holy fuck. You were gone a long time." She kicks your chair from under the table and it scoots out, allowing you to sit down. "You didn't get lost and end up in the kitchens, did you? Dammit, John. I know that those big swinging doors look like fun, but you can't go in there."
"Heh. Those doors do look like fun, don't they? But no. I wasn't lost, there was just- there was… a line."
"In the men's room?"
"Yeah." You take another big drink from the glass of water sitting on your side of the table and grimace at the taste. "Bleh. What were we talking about?"
"I was just telling you about my fantastical journeys." She leans back in her chair and examines her nails. "Anyways, after that shit with the fishermen, I went east into the true wilderness. The countryside is a desolate place, John. I went days without seeing neither hide nor hair of my fellow man. Winter came during that second year and I found myself stranded on the summit of a range of treacherous mountains. I had to survive."
"What?"
"Using what little I had in my rucksack and my natural intuition, I was able to chop down some trees and construct a passable shelter. It was alright I suppose, hunting caribou by day, melting snow for water, and fashioning clothes from leaves and animal hide. I was reasonably confident that I'd survive till the first thaw. That is, until the wolves came."
"I- You- What?"
"We didn't get along at first, and that's putting it lightly. Wolves are creatures of endurance. They surrounded my camp, kept me from going out to hunt, tried to starve me out. They didn't know who they were fucking with though. I set up traps, caught a few of their own, and showed them what happens to those who tried to cross me. I owned those bitches." Reaching up with her hand, she pulls down the collar of her dress to dizzying depths, exposing a long, jagged scar. "Not to say that they didn't get a few licks in too edge-wise."
"I have no idea who I'm talking to right now."
"Eventually, it came down to a stalemate. The wolves understood that I would not be taken down easily and they grew to respect me. I became one of their own. We dominated the forest together, spent our days running down forest critters and ripping them to shreds, and our nights howling at the moon, marking the territory as ours. I became their leader and they worshipped me as if I was a god." Vriska smirks and reaches for her own glass, taking a long draft before continuing. "It was good shit."
"I have no idea what to say to that, Vriska." You admit. "What happened next?"
"Well, then I decided that I'd go back home and text you. Now here we are."
"Are you fucking serious?"
"Of course not, you idiot! Hahahaha!" She leans back in her chair and cackles to high heaven. "Holy shit! Did you actually believe a word of that bullshit?! I was joshin you, John. I was joshin you, so fucking hard. Christ on a bike, you're a silly bitch. Do you know that?"
You're a little upset that she would yank your chain like that. However, you'll let it slide. If anyone can appreciate a good practical joke, it's you.
"Well, what about that crap on the shrimp boat. Was that a lie too?"
"Hey, don't get defensive." She waggles her finger at you. "Nearly everything I've told you has been forty percent true."
"Forty percent!"
"Better than nothing." Her leg, unseen under the table, has found it's way to your shin. She grinds her firm calf against you slowly. "If you want to truth, Pupa, then well… you're going to have to work for it."
"Look, Roxy. That's not really a thing I plan on doing all that…"
You trail off when her expression turns sour.
"Who the fuck is Roxy?" She demands.
"Uhhhhhh. My- er… who?"
"You just called me 'Roxy'." Her eye narrows. "Who is that?"
"I have to pee again."
What follows next is a blur of color and sound. Your hands feel sweaty, your eyes feel too big for your head, and the ground is being a real bitch trying to trip up every other step. You had almost blown it just then. Hell, you probably have, in all actuality. The expression on Vriska's face was venomous. She definitely suspects something. You are so fucked. Images flash around the inside of your head like trapped moths, a pack of wild wolves, Rose crying into her glass of wine, Bruce Willis bare-knuckle boxing a Alan Rickman cyborg, the subtle scent of strawberries, and an orange dress.
What the hell were you thinking, Egbert?
The bathroom is empty, thank fucking christ. You immediately go to the first stall and lock yourself inside. The amount of time it takes to type out Jade's number is far too long and by the time she picks up on the second ring, you're positively hyperventilating.
= Be John Egbert
You are once again John Egbert. Which means that you're pretty much caught up now. At the moment, you've managed to escape the stuffy atmosphere of the horribly clean and pretentious French restaurant and swapped for the gloriously disgusting and packed city streets. A large van, typical of your average cross-country perusing hippie, pulls up to the curb and throws open it's doors.
Strong hands reach out and grab you and you don't resist as they tug you into the dark interior of the van.
"This is a kidnapping, bitch! I hope your friends and family have a lot of dough, otherwise no one is seeing your ass ever again!" Dave Strider smirks from the driver's seat. "Sup, Bro. I'm kidding. This isn't a kidnapping. We're here to help you out of your pathetically self-inflected clichéd drama. Take a seat."
You sit on one of the over-turned buckets in the back of the van as Dave pulls the van away from the restaurant and look at the assembled crew. The party consists of Dave, his girlfriend/your sister Jade, and Jake English of all people, your distant cousin who just so happens to looks like your god-damn twin.
As you look at each of them in turn, you quickly figure out what Jade's proposed plan is.
"Umm. Jade, do you think this is going to work?" You ask. Your seat rocks gently with the motion of the van.
"Of course it is!" She sings, twisting in the passenger seat to look at you. "I mean, the obvious solution to your problem is to come clean, explain to all these girls how you're a punk bitch, and then get your ass stomped. Since that isn't an option though apparently, this will have to do." She points out the window then. "Pull over here, Dave. This spot is good."
"There's no way I can come clean now." You explain as Dave brings the van to a halt. "Rose would be sad, Roxy would never talk to me again, and Vriska would probably kill me."
"Vriska?" Jake repeats, testing the word on his tongue. "What kind of newfangled name is that? Sounds, exotic!"
"It's German I think, I dunno."
Jade jumps out of her seat and moves around to open the rear doors of the van, you and Jake join her and Dave outside, and then she outlines the details of the plan:
"Jake and I are going to dress up as John and finish two of the dates." She says. In her arms she holds a sack, full of what you recognize to be some of your clothes from your apartment. "Here, Jake. Put these on."
"Jeans?" Jake looks at the pants with disgust. "Sorry, lass, but I've never covered up these legs before and I'm not about to do it now. No, sir, no way."
"Come on, Jake. Please." You plead with him. "I'm totally fucked if you don't help me out here. I promise, if you wear those jeans, I'll… I dunno. Owe you a favor or something."
Jake considers your proposition for a moment.
"Would you… clean my apartment?"
"Uhhhh." It's common knowledge that Jake's apartment is a filthy mess, not to mention dangerous. He has guns all over the place, knives, bazookas, you name it. There's also an assortment of dungeon traps, reminiscent of great films such as Raiders of the Lost Ark. There's a good chance that you could die stepping through his front door, but then again, there's a good chance that you'll die before tonight is over anyways. "Alright, I'll do it."
"Capital!"
You turn to Jade, just in time to see her pull her mess of dark hair up into a tight bun and cover it with a baseball cap. It isn't perfect, but it'll have to do. She wraps herself in a coat, which you recognize as your blazer for home, to bulk herself a bit too and finishes the transformation by coughing into her fist and trying to match your voice:
"Hello." She says. "My name is John Egbert and I like sucking eggs."
"Naw, Jade." Dave, who is leaning coolly against the van, shakes his head. "You gotta add more bitchiness. Really make him sound like a punk-ass."
"Hehehe. Okay." Jade giggles. "This is going to be fun!"
"Yeah, just one problem." You interject. "You guys have green eyes and mine are blue. Whoever you guys go out with are going to notice that right off that bat!"
"Speaking of that." Jake adds. "Who's going to be dating who?"
"Well, obviously Jake is going to have to go with Vriska." Jade says, scratching her chin as she thinks. "She'll probably notice if I pretend to be John. Also, Roxy would recognize Jake almost immediately, since you've guys have been friends forever. That leaves Roxy for me and then John can go with Rose."
"Oh." You say, and you're surprised to hear a tinge of disappointment in your voice. You had sort of been hoping that you'd get to spend more time with Roxy. Oh well. You aren't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. "I mean, oh okay. That sounds good. Now what about the multi-colored eyes?"
"Easy." Dave steps forward and produces two pairs of cool-guy sunglasses. "Shade-up, Harley and English. It's time that you saw the world the way I do."
Jake and Jade don their sunglasses and stand before you. Jake shifts uncomfortably with denim covering his legs and Jade adjusts the baseball cap atop her head. Their eyes are hidden behind dark glass and…
"This plan is flawless." You say with a confident grin. "Why didn't you call Jane? I bet she'd love to get in on these shenanigans."
"I did call her." Jade explains defensively. "She's too loyal to Roxy to pull this kind of junk over her head though. So you'll have to do with us."
"Well, alright. I appreciate you guys helping, by the way." Adjusting your tie, you address your team. "Come on, guys. Let's do this!"
= Be Jade Harley
You are now Jade Harley. You don't need no other lover, we can keep it undercover.
Damn, you hate that song, but damn, is it catchy as shit.
Dave drives you and the rest of the group back around the front of the restaurant and kicks you out on the curb, not before a quick goodbye though:
"Now I know that this is a fake date and all," He says. "But you're faithlessness still hurts, real deep; I'm talking two hundred thousand leagues under the sea deep."
"Awww. Sorry, babe." You give him a quick kiss before you jump out of the van. "But duty calls!"
John leads the way into the restaurant and through the main foyer. He stops on the edge of the floor though, where a sea of tables fans out ahead, and turns back. You can tell that he's nervous by the way he speaks, all jittery and fast.
"Okay, Jake. Vriska is over there on the left." He points towards the east side of the restaurant. "Or at least she was the last time I checked. She's wearing a blue dress, has her hair all tied back, and one of her eyes is missing. You can't miss her. Just go over there, sit down, don't buy anything expense, and listen. That part is important. She'll do most of the talking anyways. Got it?"
"You can count on me!" Chirps Jake, before confidently striding off between the tables.
John turns to you next and grips your shoulder with a shaking hand.
"Roxy is near the back. Pink dress, blonde hair with one little lock that always curls above her brow, pink eyes that…"
"Shimmer with the light of a thousand stars? Yeah. I got it." You grab his hand in yours and steady it. "Listen, John. I can tell that you'd like to go be with Roxy, but you can't. You managed to fuck that up because you couldn't say no to Vriska. You'll just have to try again some other time."
"Are you sure?" He asks. "Rose was halfway through a bottle of wine when I left her, she might not recognize you if you just…"
"We can't take that chance." You turn him around and give him a gentle push away. "Go to Rose. We'll meet up later for a debriefing. Good luck!"
He casts you a final, worried glance before walking away and disappearing amongst the maze of tables. Poor guy. If he wasn't such a pussy-boy, maybe tonight would have turned out well for him. Oh well. He's still bound to have fun with Rose. He just has to suck it up and take his lumps.
You move to the rear of the restaurant and find Roxy easily enough. She sitting at the table, chin cradled in her hand, lazily stirring an olive around a martini glass, with one of the saddest expressions you ever did see. Seeing her alone breaks your heart a little bit and you curse John as you move in to fix his mistakes.
"Sup." You give her a slight head nod as you take your seat and she brightens considerably.
"Oh thank, jfc." She says with a sigh. "I thought I scared you off, Johnny. Haha. What's with the wardrobe change?"
"Got cold." You mumble. Disguising your voice is a lot harder than you originally thought.
"Yeah. It is a little chilly in here, huh? I ordered some bread." She points towards a collection of crumbs scattered across a gleaming plate. "But… yeaaaaah. You can kinda see where that went."
It gets awkward real fast. With you, sitting there in silence and Roxy, looking at you with open confusion and possibly a little bit of hurt.
"So, uh." She clears her throat. "I like that blazer. It's very sharp, sort of like James Bond or some shit. If he wore blazers, I mean. I think he just wears tuxes most of the time, right?"
"I guess." You grunt.
"Are you okay? You sound a little funny. Also, what's with the shades? Don't get me wrong, they look cool as fuck, but… I dunno. You seem different."
"It's you, Roxy. You're so bright that I gotta wear shades."
"Ha. Nice. That sounds like something Dave would say." Her lip twists as she pokes the olive around her glass. "What do you think he's up to right now?"
"Probably making out with his hot girlfriend."
"You mean, your hot sister?"
"Uh, yeah. Did I say hot? I meant… nice?"
"She is pretty nice, huh? I think I've only met her like… once? Twice? You should introduce us again sometime."
"I will."
"Good."
It gets awkward again.
"Fuh. Listen, John." She folds her hands in her lap and sets her eyes on your shades. Fuck, they really do shimmer like a billion stars. "I don't think I've ever told you this for sure, feel free to stop me if I have, but I didn't have a lot of friends growing up."
Shit. This is about to get personal. You can tell.
"I was weird, nerdy, a little bit of a loner, you know?" She continues. "I didn't really put myself out there until high school, but that was just mostly drinking and stuff, plus by then it was a little late to make friends and what not. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that I didn't really have much of anyone before now. Yeah, there was my mom and Rose and Jane and Dirk and Jake, but I never really had anyone in… a certain sense. Do you get what I'm trying to say?"
You do and you know for a fact that you are not the one that should be hearing this.
"I'm saying that," She takes a breath. "You, John, are kind of my first real shot at a good relationship and I don't want to screw that up. I like you a whole lot. I've liked you since Rose first introduced us, back when you were still… dating her and stuff." Her hand comes up and extends across the table towards yours, but suddenly you're standing up, out of reach. Her face falls horribly and you feel your insides squirm. She lets out the tiny, sad: "Oh."
"Last restroom break." You explain, your voice hoarse. "When I come back. You're going to say that again, all of it. Is that okay?"
"Um. Sure?"
"Good. Please don't move, alright? Just," You back away quickly. "Stay right there and don't move."
You race back through the restaurant to the main foyer. Once there, you whip out your cell phone and send John a quick text. Half a minute later, he's there.
"You sonovabitch." You growl, seizing him by the collar and causing him to squeal. "You and your stupid three-way date bullshit! Roxy really, really likes you and you're going to fuck it up! You are so dumb sometimes, I swear to god."
"Gah! I really like Roxy too!" He struggles in your grip. "But I don't know what to do!"
"I do." You fling him away from you, towards Roxy. "Go be with her. I'll deal with Rose."
"But won't she recognize…"
"Not if she's as drunk as you say she is." You've made up your mind. "I'll be really careful. Just go to Roxy and do not fuck it up, alright?"
"Alright." He smiles at you sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck. "Thanks a lot, Jade. You're a good sister."
"I know." Then, like a badass, you walk away from him and over towards Rose's table.
Your long-time friend and future sister-in-law is really damn drunk, but that doesn't stop her from attempting to pour another glass of wine, sloshing most of it onto the white table cloth. Taking a deep breath to center yourself, you slide into the vacant seat across from her and…
"Jade, I know that's you."
"Dammit!" You whip off your baseball hat and pull off the shades. "How did you know?"
"You're walk mostly, plus the fact that you're two inches shorter, fifty pounds lighter, and much tanner than your poor, confused brother." Rose moves to set the bottle back on the table, but it tumbles over the edge. Only your quick reflexes prevent it from smashing on the floor. "It will take more than John's blazer, a hat, and some sunglasses to fool me. Nice catch, by the way."
"Thanks." You set the bottle back on the table. "So you aren't mad that we tried to dupe you?"
"Not necessarily." She is suddenly very interested in her reflection on the gleaming plate in front of her. "Tonight is just a long string of disappointments it seems. I can't say I'm very surprised that John attempted to escape from me. I wasn't being very good company. I assume that he's currently in the process of joining another date, right?"
"Well, yeah. You're right about that, but you're wrong about all that other stuff!" You lean across the table and take her hand in yours. "Look at me, Rose. Tonight is not full of disappointments and you are not bad company. Quite the opposite!"
"Heh. How optimistic of you, considering the fact that both Kanaya and John have managed to forsaken me in the same evening."
"Kanaya probably has a good reason. You'll call her tomorrow. And John… well, John's just a little confused about how the world works." You keep your grip on Rose as you rise from the table and she is forced to stand up as well. "Come on. Let's pay your no doubt, astronomical bill and get you home. Something tells me that you'll need a tall glass of water and some R&R before bed."
"Thank, Jade." She smiles sleepily. "You're a good friend."
"Yeah," You put your hand on the small of her back and guide her forward. "I know."
= Be Jake English
You are now Jake English. This of course means that you've been roped into a rather exciting and dangerous mission.
Just the way you like your missions to be.
"Okay, Jake. Vriska is over there on the left." Your cousin, John, points towards the east side of the restaurant. "Or at least she was the last time I checked. She's wearing a blue dress, has her hair all pulled back, and one of her eyes is missing. You can't miss her. Just go over there, sit down, don't buy anything expense, and listen. That part is important. She'll do most of the talking anyways. Got it?"
"You can count on me!" You assure him, before striding with great bravado towards Vriska's table.
She truly is a magnificent creature, if you do say so yourself. With hair like silk and a piercing glare that seems to cut right down to your very soul, as you take a seat across from her. You decide quickly that a 'piercing glare' is one of the many things you want to avoid whilst undertaking a covert mission and scoop up a menu to hide behind it.
There is no noise for a pregnant minute, besides the white chatter of the restaurant, but eventually she speaks. Her voice is smooth, but pointed, like a rich liquor or maybe a spider's bite. You do your best to keep all the sweat inside of your body, but it's much easier said than done.
"Do you know why I picked this restaurant, John?"
"No." You say immediately.
"It's high-class, extremely so, but affordable enough to still be a little crowded. I mean, look at this place." You assume that she's gesturing about the floor, but you can't really tell from behind your menu. "Check out all these people. All that's missing is a slip 'n slide and a few screaming kids and you'd have yourself a fucking amusement park. Haha." Her laugh is somehow more deadly than her voice. "Anyways, that's good for a number of reasons. One: if this date goes sour, I can humiliate you publicly. And two:…"
All of the sudden, she lunges across the table, rips the menu out of your hands, and grabs you by the neck. You let out a choking gasp, but are helpless to stop her from snatching off your sunglasses. Her lip twists in a winning snarl and you feel her sharpened nails dig further into your skin.
Why the fuck isn't anyone nearby helping you?
"As I was saying," She continues, her voice hushed now. "Two: if you try any stupid shit like this, then I get to both reveal you and humiliate you publicly. Isn't that great?"
"I- I'm so sorry." You stammer. "John and Jade asked me to do it. I just went along for the ride. He's going to clean out my apartment for me. I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Please don't kill me. God, I'm so sexually confused right now!"
She chuckles darkly and leans closer. You can smell her perfume, something musky and risky, and when she speaks into your ear, her lips tickle your hair and light a fire in your core. Fuck, do you ever love cerulean ladies.
"What's your name, Pupa?" She asks.
"Ja- Jake."
"Well, Jake." She leans back slightly "You pal John just missed the chance of a lifetime and you…" She grins and you whimper quietly. "Today just so happens to be your lucky day."
Then she leans in and your mind goes truly, blissfully blank.
= Be John Egbert
You are once again John Egbert. Which means that everything is going to work out A-OK.
"Roxy is near the back. Pink dress, blonde hair with one little lock that always curls above her brow, pink eyes that…"
"Shimmer with the light of a thousand suns? Yeah. I got it." Jade grabs your hand and steadies it in hers." Listen, John. I can tell that you'd like to go be with Roxy, but you can't. You managed to fuck that up because you couldn't say no to Vriska. You'll just have to try again some other time."
"Are you sure?" You really do want to go for Roxy. "Rose was halfway through a bottle of wine when I left her, she might not recognize you if you just…"
"We can't take that chance." Jade turns you around and shoves you forward. "Go to Rose. We'll meet up later for a debriefing. Good luck!"
Casting her a final, worried glance, you sulk back to Rose's table.
She's still sitting there, of course, lazily tipping back wine as you take your seat. She looks up and smiles at you with that watery expression that lets you know for sure, just how happy she actually is to see you. It twists your insides a bit, knowing that you and her have already gone down that road and fucked it up.
"Do you remember why we broke up?" She asks randomly, as if she can read your mind.
"You wanted to focus on your studies." You answer.
"And…" She prompts
"And I was in the way?" You guess.
"No." Rose sighs and smoothes down her skirt. "I broke up with you because I wanted to focus on my studies, but also because I could see that there was another relationship brewing, a much more potent and less confusing one."
"What do you mean?"
"My sister has a crush on you, John." She states simply. "I would have thought for sure that even you would have been able to notice that by now."
"Oh."
"Oh. Indeed." She reaches for another drink. "I made a conscious decision that you and I could no longer be together. It would hurt you, of course, I knew that. But everything would be better in the end. You and Roxy would make a good couple."
"So I've heard." Your head slumps forward to land on the table, bouncing all the nearby silverware into the air slightly. "Ugh. Rose. Can we not talk about that right now? I'm here with you, aren't I?"
"Do you want to be?"
With great effort, you pick up your head and meet her eyes. They're violet and deep and sad and… you used to love those eyes. They used to look up from where her nose was pressed into your chest and ensnare you in their grasp. Rose really was gorgeous and intelligent and lovely in almost every way, and…
"I loved you." You answer in a not-sort of way. "I really did, but I don't anymore. I'm sorry, but if I could, I would be with Roxy right now."
"I know." She takes another drink. "And that's nothing to be sorry about."
Your phone buzzes in your pocket. It's Jade.
"I should take this." You explain, standing up at once.
"Alright." She nods simply. "Thank you for keeping me company this evening, John."
"No problem." You turn to leave, but she speaks once more.
"And for the record…" You turn to meet her violet eyes. "I loved you too."
Roxy is sitting alone, waiting, when you get back to her table. She grins when she sees you, pushes back the curl of hair over her brow, and sits up straighter in her chair. You take your own seat, and smile back. You're a piece of shit for what you did to her tonight, but maybe, just maybe, there's a small chance that you can make it up to her.
THE END.
Thanks for reading. Leave me prompts if you have any ideas! I'll take pretty much everything.
- Mike