Chapter Six: Wildest Dreams
He said 'let's get out of this town
Drive out of the city
Away from the crowds'
I thought heaven can't help me now
Nothing lasts forever
But this is gonna take me down
He's so tall, and handsome as hell
He's so bad, but he does it so well
I can see the end as it begins
My one condition is
Say you'll remember me
'Wildest Dreams' by Taylor Swift, 1989.
Jensen
Jensen Ackles was a patient man, or at least that's what he liked to believe. He never got annoyed or anxious if he had to wait in line at the bank, or was stuck in rush hour traffic. He allowed his mother to go through her tirade of worrying how he was doing and cursing him for not calling enough, with lack of complaint and a smile on his face. He knew that good things came to those who wait, and he was okay with that. Today, however, he was not a patient man.
He had less than 36 hours.
"Ackles! Are we going out tonight for one last night on the town?" He was instantly irritated when he answered the phone and it was Tom on the other end.
"Dude," He sighed, trying not to show his exasperation. "I am going to be spending the next twelve months with you."
"Don't you want to get some before we go and you're stuck with me?" Tom laughed, and Jensen could picture the eyebrow his friend probably had raised in suggestion.
"Well..." Jensen laughed. "I'm good tonight, man. I'll see you on Monday morning, bright and early."
"Alright... well if you change your mind, me and a bunch of the guys are going to be at Gotham." Tom replied.
"Okay, I appreciate the invite." Tom grunted a reply before hanging up and Jensen stared at the screen as the call cleared to show the time. He still have twenty five minutes until Jared was out of work. He threw himself back down on his couch, sighing.
"Yes?" He answered his phone the next time it rang, expecting another invite.
"Well, that's a nice hello." Jared's voice washed over him and he didn't bother fighting the goofy smile as he sat up.
"I thought so."
"So, I'm leaving work now... I just have a few things to pick up. Did you still want to hang out tonight?" Jared asked and Jensen could hear the sounds of the subway in the background.
"What kind of question is that? Of course I want to spend the night with you." Jensen glanced over to the shopping bag he tossed onto the counter when he had gotten back from the base that morning. He chewed his lower lip as he thought about what he bought, wondering if he was expecting too much or being too pushy.
"Just making sure... I figured Tom would probably be planning to get everyone well and smashed this weekend. Do you mind coming to my place?" Since Jared had gotten back to New York, they had barely spent any time apart, alternating between the two apartments. For the most part, Jared had preferred to come up to Jensen's apartment and Jensen had a sneaking suspicion that the other man felt safer knowing Chad didn't know the phone number or the address he was at.
"Yeah, just let me know when to come down. Should I get dinner?"
"No, I have everything taken care of. Just bring your clothes for tomorrow and a six pack." Jensen heard the smile on the other end. "I have a surprise for you."
"For me? Well, now I definitely can't wait." Jensen laughed, feeling slightly better about his earlier purchase. Maybe he wasn't being pushy after all...
Jensen relaxed into the couch again after Jared hung up, a good anxious feeling fluttering through his stomach. He couldn't believe the past two months had flown by so quickly... August had crept up on him and sucker punched him in he stomach, a huge reality check to what was fast approaching. Even though it was a Saturday, he had spent his morning checking equipment and supplies for himself as well as his team to make sure that everything was set so Monday morning they could load up the buses and make their way to Jersey.
When he agreed to sign up for another tour... he hadn't expected to be in a relationship. He didn't even know how to be deployed and maintain a relationship at the same time. The last tour he had gone on, he hadn't met Adam yet, and was content to spending his evenings screwing around in chat rooms.
As he lay, staring up at the ceiling, he couldn't stop the thoughts of doubt from blossoming. What if Jared met someone else while he was gone? He was so proud of the other man. Jared had come back to New York with a newfound ambition to shed his past and had been slowly gaining confidence in himself. Anyone with eyes could see how special Jared was... He was beautiful, inside and out. Jensen knew how lucky he was to be able to have Jared as his boyfriend, to be able to share his nights with him, to talk with him and wake up beside him.
But, the conversations with the other guys from the unit were less than encouraging. Jensen was shocked at how many guys came in over the past few weeks declaring they had ended their relationships or had gotten separate accounts or lawyers or passed their assets onto their parents regardless of how long their relationships had been.
When he mentioned his confusion over the situation to Tom, his friend had looked at him like he was crazy.
"Dude, you know how many chicks can't handle a deployment? Hell, half the guys who are staying in relationships will stray while we're over there. Distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder... it just makes your dick harder." Although Jensen didn't think that was an actual quote, it made sense. And that terrified him.
How was a two month relationship going to survive a year deployment? Jared didn't have the support of other soldier's wives or girlfriends, there was no FRG to offer him solace, and Jensen wasn't even sure what his schedule would be like as far as communication.
Jensen sat up as Jared texted him he was ready. He knew he should probably voice some of his concerns to Jared... that was what you did in a relationship. Jensen moved into the bedroom, throwing an extra set of clothes in a small duffel bag and adding the shopping bag from the counter when he got back into the kitchen. He grabbed a pack of beer from the fridge and made sure all of the lights were shut off in the apartment before making his way down to Jared's door.
He hesitated as the realization hit him. He wasn't scared of Jared straying, or him for that matter. He knew neither one of them would do that to the other. He wasn't even really afraid of Jared breaking things off with him. No, what he was truly afraid of was this deployment changing him, changing them, and their relationship ending before all of this was done and over with. Because Jensen knew as he stood outside of his boyfriend's door that he had fallen. And he had fallen hard.
Jensen jumped as the door opened, Jared giving him a strange look.
"I thought I heard someone come to the door. What are you doing?" He laughed, grabbing Jensen's jacket and pulling him against his chest to kiss him hello.
"Lost in thought." Jensen smiled against Jared's lips. "I brought beer." Jared took the case from him and pulled the door shut behind him.
"Okay... Do you trust me?" Jared asked, still smiling. His eyes were sparkling as they searched Jensen's face, his dark blue shirt bringing out the flecks of blue in his eyes. Jensen reached up, cupping Jared's face in his hands and pulling him closer. Jared let out a small gasp in surprise but reached his free hand to grab Jensen's hips and hold them together.
"With everything." Jensen replied as he broke the kiss.
"Okay. Close your eyes." Jared said, waiting for Jensen to obey. He felt Jared's free hand find his, their fingers intertwining as Jared pulled him gently forward.
"You're not going to make me smash into anything hard, are you?" Jensen laughed, almost slamming into Jared's back as they stopped. They had only gone a few feet and Jensen figured they were standing in the living room. Jared moved to stand behind Jensen, his long arms wrapping around his stomach, pulling him back into his chest.
"Open." Jared whispered in his ear, making a shiver go up Jensen's back.
"What the-" Jensen gasped as he took in the living room. Jared had moved all of the furniture out of the way, pushed and stacked against one wall. He had slung a black sheet up over the large windows. Two sleeping bags were laid out on one side of the room, a sheet tacked up to hang over them, almost like a tent. The coffee table had been left, a George Foreman grill sitting on top of it with a stack of paper plates and plastic silverware. Beside the table was a large red cooler and a large FM radio sitting on top. "Jay?"
"I knew you were upset we didn't get the chance to get out and go camping because of your training schedule and my work. So, I figured if we blocked out the view of the city, put on some scratchy radio station that only plays old-time country and slept in sleeping bags... we could at least pretend. I didn't think management would appreciate us setting a fire, so I broke out old George here." Jared's arms squeezed around him before he let go and moved to shove the beers into the cooler. "Is this okay?" He asked, his cheeks slightly pink as he watched Jensen carefully.
"Jared... this is perfect. I don't even know what to say." Jensen said, looking around the room once more.
"Well... you can say, 'I'm going to cook us dinner since you did all the work putting up the tent'." Jared laughed.
"Oh, is that how that works?" Jensen crossed the room, kissing Jared again. "This is not the surprise I thought you had for me." He laughed, reaching down to grab two beers for them.
"What did you think my surprise was?" Jared cocked his head, accepting the beer and moving to sit cross legged on the floor. He flicked the radio on, a scratchy Johnny Cash song suddenly serenading them.
"Nothing." Jensen could feel himself blush. He should have realized that comment was an invitation for a conversation. "What's for dinner?"
"Jen?" Jared gave him a look again, patting the ground beside him. "Are you actually embarrassed?"
Jensen sighed, closing his eyes as he sat beside him. "No. I just..." He stopped, trying to force himself to relax. He looked up at Jared, his boyfriend staring at him, completely relaxed. "I was just thinking about us... and how we're not going to be seeing each other for a while... and I kind of... I don't know... assumed that maybe..." He stopped again, blushing crimson as he tore his eyes away and looked down at his hands. "I feel like I'm in fucking high school."
"Jensen, what the hell are you so embarrassed about?" Jared pushed him gently, letting his knee fall against Jensen's leg. Jensen sighed, crawling across the floor to grab his bag and opening it to toss the shopping bag into Jared's lap. This was not the way he had anticipated this conversation going… Jared opened it up and froze. "Oh."
"I'm sorry, we don't have to. I don't want you to feel like we do. I just didn't know and now I feel stupid and why are you laughing?" Jensen watched as Jared pulled out the box of condoms and lubricant from the bag.
"Jen... you don't have to be embarrassed. We haven't really talked about it, so I'm glad you're the one that brought it up." Jensen swallowed hard, hoping this conversation wasn't going to ruin their night. Although in the past two months he and Jared had engaged in some heavy petting sessions, they had only ended up with all of their clothes off twice. "Jensen, look at me."
"Jared, just forget it. You went through all this trouble for me, and I'm more than happy just spending time with you." Jensen forced a smile on his face and moved to plug in the small grill, stilling when Jared's hand covered his own.
"Jensen, look at the sleeping bags." Jared said, turning to point. Jensen looked over his shoulder to see the same supplies tucked in the back corner against the wall, hidden from sight by the makeshift tent before.
"Really?" He asked, turning to face Jared fully.
"Yeah." Jared shrugged, suddenly looking shy. "I... I want to try. I know the last time didn't go that well..." Jensen grabbed Jared's face gently as he moved to look away.
"Are you sure? I don't want to push." He said softly, searching Jared's eyes.
"I am... I want to." Jared nodded, grabbing Jensen's hands. "I've wanted to."
"Okay." Jensen whispered, forgetting about their open beers and the grill. He pushed up on his knees, moving quickly to close the space between them. He kissed Jared gently, silently asking permission. He definitely wasn't hungry for anything other than what Jared was offering anymore.
Jared
Jared tensed as Jensen's lips found his again, suddenly nervous. Although he had bought the same supplies Jensen had, anticipating the same outcome for the night, he was suddenly worried it was too soon. He didn't want their last night together to end up with him a bawling mess on the floor. He nodded against Jensen's lips, breaking their kiss to crawl backwards on the floor to the sleeping bags. Jensen followed him, settling their bodies together as Jared laid back on the floor.
"If anything upsets you, anything at all, tell me Jay." Jensen stilled above him, watching him carefully. Jared nodded, reaching up to kiss him again. "No, say it Jay. If you change your mind, if something feels wrong... I want you to tell me. This is for you as much as for me." Jensen pulled back slightly.
"I will... I promise." Jared willed himself to relax and push back the anxious feeling settling in his stomach. If anything, he wanted to try. He wanted to give this to Jensen. Earlier in the day he had been thinking about tonight at work, having to calm himself more than once when arousal pooled deep in his belly before he was set to see a patient. He wanted Jensen to have something to think about and remember while he was gone, and he himself wanted this.
Jensen nodded, dipping his head down to claim his mouth again. Jared moaned softly against his lips, opening his mouth to allow Jensen in. As Jensen explored his mouth, Jared reached between them to dust his fingertips across Jensen's lower stomach, smiling as Jensen groaned and pressed his hips up against Jared's hands.
Jensen felt good, familiar as he was pressed up against him. Jared ran his hands up Jensen's chest, pushing his shirt up as he went.
"Off." He said against Jensen's lips, tugging once. Jensen smiled down at him, pushing to his knees to pull the shirt off. He held his hands out and Jared let himself be pulled up into a sitting position to pull his shirt off as well. As the fabric was flown behind him, Jared placed his hands on Jensen's hips, leaning forward to kiss and lick the soft skin just above Jensen's jeans.
"Impatient." Jared laughed as Jensen bucked his hips forward.
"Well, that's not very nice." He pushed Jared back down, slipping one of his legs between Jared's. Jared could feel Jensen's entire length, straining against his jeans and pressed into his thigh. He smiled, tipping his head to catch Jensen's lips as he traced his fingers over the zipper.
"I never said I was playing nice." Jared smirked as he pulled his hand away. Jensen kissed him hard, his hands roaming over Jared's bare chest. He moved, slowly kissing his way down Jared's neck, biting softly at his collar bone. Jared groaned as Jensen's lips encased one of his nipples, his tongue flicking out to circle the small nub. Jensen's hand reached up to find his, intertwining their fingers as he kissed across Jared's chest to give his other nipple the same treatment.
Jared's entire body was on fire, soaking in all of Jensen's warmth. He let his eyes flutter closed, all of his senses focused on Jensen's body covering and claiming his own. Jensen was making his way down Jared's chest, kissing and licking as he went. When he reached the puckered scar, Jared froze, his eyes flying open to meet Jensen's lust blown eyes.
"You're so beautiful, Jay." He whispered, pressing his lips carefully against his skin, sending a shiver through Jared's body. "Perfect." He kissed it again before continuing on his path once Jared relaxed. When he reached the top of Jared's jeans, he looked up again, eyes locked with Jared's as he thumbed the button open and slowly dragged the zipper down. Jared fought not to move his hips as Jensen slowly slid the jeans down, taking Jared's boxers with him and leaving him completely naked.
Jared shivered in anticipation as Jensen moved back up, kissing the inside of his knees and thighs, his breath ghosting over Jared's most sensitive parts. Jensen smirked, moving back up completely to kiss Jared softly.
"You're not the only tease." He laughed as Jared pushed him, rolling their bodies so Jensen was trapped underneath him. Jared pressed himself against the exposed skin of Jensen's stomach and smiled as Jensen's laugh caught in his throat. He shifted to settle between Jensen's legs, kissing down Jensen's chest, treating him in the same manner he was treated.
By the time Jared had slipped the rest of Jensen's clothing off, both of them were breathing hard. Jared crawled back up beside Jensen, brushing his fingers across Jensen's even-shorter hair and pulling him in for a slow kiss. He bit Jensen's lower lip slightly, pressing deeper as Jensen's lips fell open, accepting him. He pressed himself against Jensen, hoping to portray every thought, every emotion he was feeling into the kiss.
He wanted this, he wanted to give Jensen all of him. He wanted Jensen to know how he felt about him, how much he had come to rely on him in the short time they'd been together. He wanted him to know how afraid he was to lose him and how the thoughts of this deployment had been keeping him up at night, knotting through his stomach.
Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared, rolling them once again.
"Jen..." Jared whispered, looking away from the piercing green eyes. "I... I'm scared I'm going to fuck this up."
Jared closed his eyes as Jensen's hand cupped his cheek and pulled his face up to look at him. "I would never, ever hurt you."
"I know." Jared pressed a light kiss to Jensen's lips, trying to force back the fear. He had managed to stop thinking about Chad whenever things started heating up between them and when they were finally moving towards the next step? All of the memories he had locked tightly away were coming pouring back in.
"We don't have to Jared." Jensen said, pressing his lips against his forehead.
"I want to. I do." Jared said, suddenly feeling too exposed. "I'm so fucked up... I shouldn't even be associating him with you." He closed his eyes, shame replacing the fear.
"Babe, you are not fucked up. Don't say that." Jared could feel Jensen's fingers brushing his hair behind his ear. "Look at me." Jared opened his eyes and looked up slowly. "You're so amazing, I wish you could see that. You're kind, and caring, and sexy as hell. What he did to you? You didn't deserve. And I am so sorry that happened to you and that you and I didn't meet sooner."
Jared flushed at the compliments and opened his mouth to argue when Jensen silenced him with another kiss.
"If you're not comfortable yet? There is nothing wrong with that. There are plenty of other things we can do to pass the time. We could even try switching places." Jensen added after a moment, shrugging his shoulders in suggestion.
"Switch places?" Jared asked. "Like... having you bottom?"
"Jared, I'll do anything that you're comfortable with. And if you want to take the next step... but that's what's stopping you? I don't mind. I'm flexible."
"Well now I feel like I'm the one in high school." Jared mumbled, feeling his cheeks redden. However, he didn't miss his arousal returning. "I've never... you know..." Jensen knew about Chad, of course, but Jared had never told him that Chad had been the only partner and relationship he had ever had.
"Well..." Jensen smiled as he grabbed Jared's hips and laid back, pulling Jared with him. "It will be a first for us both."
"Now I'm really afraid I'm going to fuck this up." Jared groaned, hiding his face in the crook of Jensen's neck.
"Jay," Jensen laughed, carding his hands through Jared's hair. "We don't have to do it if you don't want to." Jared pulled back to look at his boyfriend. Jared could feel every inch of Jensen's body pressed against him, knew how much he still wanted this. For some reason, Jensen wanted him. But, if Jared said no? If he made the choice to wait? He knew Jensen would never hold it against him and wasn't lying when he said he wouldn't be mad. That, in itself, gave Jared his answer.
"You have to tell me if I'm doing it wrong." He said against Jensen's lips as he reached above them for the bottle of lubricant. Jensen nodded against his lips, running his hands up Jared's back, pressing his fingers into his shoulder blades to press them closer together.
Jared clicked open the bottle, turning it into his palm to squeeze out some of the gel. He pulled away from Jensen to look at his palm and after a moment of hesitation, squeezed out more. Jensen chuckled as he took the bottle from him and tossed it beside them.
Jared exhaled slowly, sitting back on his legs so he could see what he was doing. Jensen let his legs fall open, watching Jared carefully. Jared had had this done to him a million times... he almost laughed at how nervous he was feeling.
"I don't want to hurt you." He said, looking up.
"You won't." Jensen replied simply, reaching down to squeeze Jared's knee. Jared nodded and moved forward, scooping up some of the lube with his finger and slowly rubbing it around Jensen's entrance. He hesitated and looked up at Jensen again, unsure exactly what it was he was waiting for. "Just go slow, I'll tell you if you're too fast. Move in circles." Jared nodded, focusing his attention back on his fingers.
He pressed one finger in slowly working it in circles as he glanced nervously up at Jensen again. Jensen had his eyes closed, his body completely relaxed and trusting. Jared moved slowly, pressing and twisting his fingers as he pulled against the muscle. The feeling of being inside Jensen, the warmth and strength of his muscles clamping down on him, had Jared hard and wanting, his anxiety all but forgotten.
He pressed in slowly, watching Jensen's face carefully and backing off as a slight grimace came across his features. He stilled, waiting for Jensen to nod before continuing to twist and turn. He moved in silence, listening to the soft noises coming from Jensen below him.
"You can add another." Jensen said, opening his eyes to meet Jared's. Jared pulled his finger aside, slipping a second lubed up finger in to join the first. Feeling more comfortable, he shifted his weight so he could move up to kiss Jensen as he twisted and scissor his fingers. "God... Feels so different." Jensen laughed, groaning into Jared's mouth.
"Good different? Or bad?" Jared smiled, pushing deeper. He twisted his fingers, jumping as Jensen gasped.
"That was a good different. Do that again." Jensen said, clenching on Jared's fingers as he shifted his hips. Jared twisted again, finding a soft patch of skin and rubbing against it.
"Jesus." Jensen gasped again, pulling Jared down in a searing kiss. "I want to feel you, Jared. All of you."
Jared nodded, slowly pulling his fingers out and fumbling to get a condom. He slipped it on, grabbing the bottle of lube again so he could slick himself up. Jensen nodded, watching him as he settled between his legs. Jared pressed against the underside of Jensen's thighs, pushing his knees up and leaving Jensen laying before him, completely exposed.
He swallowed hard, guiding himself to Jensen's entrance and pressing in slowly. Jensen hissed at the thicker intrusion and Jared stilled, waiting for Jensen's body to relax around him.
"Okay... Just, slow." Jensen whispered, his eyes still closed. He found Jared's hands and held them in his own against his thighs. They moved together, slowly, until Jared was pressed fully into Jensen's body.
"God." He whispered, his cock twitching in the tight heat. "Fucking amazing." Jensen chuckled, leaning up to kiss Jared.
"I know I'm something, but you can just call me Jen." He smiled. "You can move."
Jared pulled back, setting a steady rhythm as he pressed into Jensen again. Jensen groaned against Jared's neck, biting down as he raised his hips to meet Jared's thrusts. Jared gasped at the bite, thrusting his hips harder and moaning as Jensen cried out beneath him.
Jared could feel Jensen tighten around him, their chests sliding against each other's, their fingers twisting and pressed together. Jared was filled with everything Jensen. He felt the familiar sensation building, and he groaned as he claimed Jensen's mouth.
"You feel so fucking good, Jen." He released one of Jensen's hands, sliding between them to wrap his fingers around Jensen's hard and hot length. He squeezed gently as Jensen moaned, letting his head fall back into the pillows. He matched his hand to his thrusts, letting his own head fall back. "Jensen... I want you to come for me."
"God... Jared..." Jensen gasped, bucking his hips up as he reached to grab Jared's ass, pulling his body hard. Jared felt his body respond, his balls tighten as he slammed into Jensen again.
"Come for me Jen. Come with me." He moaned against Jensen's neck. Jensen cried out again, digging his fingers into Jared's skin as he clenched around Jared, his climax hitting him. Jensen's cock pulsed in his hand, his whispers caught in Jared's mouth. Jared gripped Jensen's hip, feeling his own release coming on.
"Jensen!" He called out as he came, hot and hard, deep inside of Jensen's body. He rode out his orgasm before collapsing against Jensen's chest, arms instantly around him. Together they were panting, the sweat and coating of Jensen's release that covered them both suddenly chilling. Jensen pulled Jared closer, kissing him gently.
"You know what they say while having sex while you're camping." Jared said, still breathing hard. "It's fucking in tents."
Jared
Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared's body as he fell against his chest, their hearts pounding in tandem. He smiled to himself, completely content as Jared breathed against his neck. Jensen squeezed his arms tighter, hoping to convey his message.
"You know what they say while having sex while you're camping." Jared said, breaking the silence. "It's fucking in tents." Jensen could feel the smile against his skin and he couldn't hold back the laugh that erupted from him.
"Seriously?" He laughed, kissing the top of Jared's head. Jared was laughing beside him, both of their bodies shaking and Jensen couldn't help the feeling that overcame him. "Jay, I lo-"
"Don't." Jared pushed up quickly, claiming Jensen's lips and cutting him off. He pulled back, searching Jensen's eyes. Jensen swallowed the rest of his words, searching Jared's face. They were shining in the light of the living room, making something clench in Jensen's chest as he realized how close to losing it Jared was. "Don't. I know." He whispered again, kissing him hard before pushing away and crawling out of the makeshift tent. "I'll be right back." Jensen nodded to the empty room, sighing as he relaxed into the pillows.
"Screwed that up." He mumbled to himself, wondering if he should go after Jared. He heard Jared opening up a cabinet and sat up to see him coming back towards him, wearing a pair of sweats that were hung low on his hips, and a towel and wet washcloth in hand. He matched Jared's shy smile as he was handed the towels and wiped himself clean.
"Are you hungry?" Jared asked after a moment, sinking back down to rest beside Jensen. Jensen reached into his bag to pull out a pair of plaid pajama pants. He pulled them on, watching Jared carefully as he did so.
"Yeah," He sighed, pushing his way out of the tent to plug the grill into the wall. "What are you having me make?"
"I bought some steaks." Jared followed him out, moving the radio so he could dig into the cooler to pull out a package of beef. "And I just got some store bought potato salad and corn on the cob."
"Do I have to make the corn on the grill too?" Jensen teased, grabbing the package of steak from him, his heart clenching as Jared pulled away quickly from his hand.
"No, I'll do that on the stovetop." He smiled, leaving Jensen in the living room to start the water in the kitchen. Jensen sighed, pushing off the ground to follow him.
"Jared…" He stopped when he saw Jared leaning over the counter, taking deep breaths. "Hey…" He crossed the room and pulled Jared around to face him.
"I'm being stupid." Jared tried to pull away and Jensen could see the tears that were shining in his eyes, despite Jared's best efforts to not look up.
"Jared, don't shut down on me." Jared stilled in his arms, closing his eyes tightly. "Talk to me, Jay. Maybe I shouldn't have said it… but I'm not apologizing for it."
"I'm so scared." Jared whispered, shaking his head. Jensen pulled back, confused.
"Scared of what? I would never hurt you…"
"I'm scared something is going to happen." Jared looked up, his eyes shining. "I'm scared you're not going to come home to me. I'm scared that you're going to get hurt. I'm scared that… now that this happened… you're going to walk away. That you're not going to want me anymore because you've gotten what you wanted in the first place."
"Jared… Jared, stop and look at me!" Jensen tightened his grip on Jared's shoulders as his boyfriend tried to twist away and duck under his arms.
"Let go of me, Jensen." Jared whispered, looking down at Jensen's grip on his arms. Jensen let go, his hands dropping to his sides as if they were on fire. Jared let out a shaky breath before pushing past him, leaving Jensen alone in the kitchen.
Jensen jumped as Jared's bedroom door slammed shut. "Fuck…" He whispered, slamming his hands down on the counter. It was almost funny, they were afraid of similar things but both had swallowed their fears until the very end. Deciding to let Jared cool down first, Jensen bent down to pull a small pot from the cupboard beside the stove to pull out a small pot. He filled it with water and the two ears of corn and set it up to boil.
He grabbed a few spices from above the stove and made his way back into the living room. He would get dinner ready, then he would convince Jared to come and eat with him, and then they would talk. Resigned to his plan, he pushed back the apprehensive feelings swirling through his stomach and focused on making the steaks.
"Jared!" He called from the kitchen as he went to retrieve the corn from the pot. "Dinner is ready… come eat with me." He got both plates dished out and looked up to stare at Jared's door, willing it to open. He was answered with a silence that seemed to resonate throughout his entire body.
He sighed, putting the plates down on the table and getting off the floor. He crossed the room, exhaling a breath he didn't know he was holding as he pushed Jared's door open, glad it hadn't been locked on him. Jared was laying on his stomach on his bed, a pillow bunched up between his arms. He looked up to meet Jensen's eyes, a look Jensen couldn't decipher flashing across his face.
"I'll be right out." He said, the smile he offered looked pained. "I'm just being stupid Jen, I'm fine really." He exclaimed as Jensen crossed the room, climbing up onto the bed and pulling Jared's shoulder so he was laying on his back.
"Jared, please listen to me." Jensen could feel himself practically begging as he searched Jared's face. He needed to understand… he needed to know. "Jared, I love you. I have no plans on 'leaving' you, I will be here as long as you want me. I can't change this deployment… and I know it's going to suck. I already miss you, and I haven't even left yet." He reached up to cup Jared's face, making sure the other man wouldn't look away. "Nothing is going to happen to me."
"You don't know that, Jensen." Jared whispered, shaking his head. "Don't make promises you can't keep."
"Jared… I've been on two tours, and the worst thing that ever happened to me was a head cold." Jensen smiled gently, rubbing his thumb across Jared's cheek. "I am going to be spending most of my time at Bagram Air Base, safe behind walls. I have my gun and my guys at my side. And I have a reason to come home, safe and sound."
"Do you think any of those soldiers on the news planned on something happening to them?" Jared's voice cracked as he leaned into Jensen's touch, tears swimming through his eyes again. "No one plans on getting fucking blown up."
"Jay… I promise you, I will come home to you." Jensen whispered, pulling Jared's face up to press their lips together. He could feel Jared fighting back a response and he turned his head, deepening their kiss. "I will miss you, every single day."
"I'll miss you too." Jared whispered, a tear finally breaking free and slipping down his cheek. Jensen ran his thumb across it, wiping it away. "What's the plan for Monday?"
"Well," Jensen settled back to look at Jared, propped up on one of his elbows. "I have to be there at 0630, and we will load up all of our gear into the buses. Most of the footlockers have already been shipped down for us. I'll be down in New Jersey for almost a month for pre-mob at Fort Dix…"
"You're going to Fort Dicks?" Jared snorted, a soft laugh escaping. "Seriously? Fort Dicks?"
"Shut up." Jensen smiled back, kissing him. "It's D-I-X… but yeah… I don't know who came up with that one."
"Right, so you're spending a month with dicks, continue." Jared laughed again as Jensen shoved him playfully.
"They're probably going to give us a four day pass… But… I think my mom is planning on coming up with Mackenzie. They usually take those four days off… at least they have for my last two deployments. They won't let us know until a few days before, and even then… the Army likes to change their minds on the drop of a dime."
"I probably won't be able to get the time off anyways…" Jared shrugged, and Jensen knew the disappointment he felt was matched. Jared slipped out of Jensen's arms, getting off the bed slowly and looking back to offer Jensen a shy smile. "I'm sorry I acted like such a basket case."
"Babe, you don't have to apologize." Jensen sat up and slipped off the bed, moving to pull Jared up into his arms. "This isn't going to be easy, Jared. This isn't going to be fun… it's going to suck, really bad. But… I want to try. I can't imagine walking away from this, away from you. And I hope you know that. I wasn't interested in starting this relationship so that I could get you into bed."
"I'm sorry I said that." Jared flushed as he looked away again. "That was kind of an asshole comment."
Jensen tugged gently on Jared's arm, pulling him forward. "Come on, let's go eat." Jared allowed himself to be pulled back out into the living room and Jensen motioned for him to sit while he took the plates to the microwave to heat things up. "At least camping indoors provides us with plumbing, a microwave, and protection from bugs." He laughed as he brought back their plates and settled on the floor beside Jared.
Jared nodded and they ate together in a comfortable silence, besides the old country station still crooning from the radio on the floor. When they were finished, Jared busied himself in the makeshift tent, opening up the sleeping bags and laying them out to create one bed. He smiled up at Jensen, motioning him over.
As Jensen lay on his back, opening his arms to allow Jared to settle against his side with his head against his chest, he wished he could stop time. He wished they could stay like this, that tomorrow would never come. He tightened his arm around Jared's shoulders, sighing softly.
Jared cleared his throat, running a hand up Jensen's chest and moving his head so he could look at him.
"Jen?" He smiled carefully, waiting for Jensen to meet his eyes. "I love you too." He whispered. Jensen smiled, his heart warming as he claimed Jared's lips in a kiss.