Disclaimer: Not mine… ever. (sob) I love to Sandbox Raid but always return in like-new condition… Scout's honor! (yes I was one of "those" girls)

NOTE: Thank you all for your patience and understanding! I really appreciate all of you fellow FF peeps! I wrote an extra long chapter to thank you all (15 pages and over 5,000 words). I really love all of the reviews, favs and alerts that keep coming in! Thank you, thank you, thank you! As always with my editing I have checked and double checked and checked some more. Any remaining mistakes are of course still my fault. Smiles!

(I'm having a lot of medical and emotional junk going on in the real world and it is really cramping up my favorite world - my writing box)

Chapter 18

He watched Sam eat and chat with Bobby like it was any other day. Which royally ticked him off because really… Sam was going to act like Dean's world wasn't about to possibly end tomorrow if he couldn't stop him… he was pretending he wasn't a devious little fucker that… Dean's raging thoughts were interrupted by Sam.

"Dean." He said with a hint of frustration mixed with a dash of concern.

Dean focused on Sam's face before he snapped, "What?"

"I asked Why you aren't eating…" After a slight pause he continued, "I thought you were starving. Stomach eat you from the inside out starving…" Sam stated as he intently watched Dean. Just what was he up to? He wondered silently.

"I'm hungry." Dean defended automatically.

"And yet you haven't taken a single bite." Sam commented dryly.

Dean looked at his burger and damn it if the little bitch wasn't right. With a grunt he took a huge bite and as he looked up and saw Sam still watching, opened his mouth to show him the chomped up mess. He smirked at the look of disgust that flashed across Sam's face.

"Dude, that is still disgusting." Sam said with a shake of his head as he grabbed some fries and glanced at Bobby.

Bobby glanced from Sam to Dean and resisted the urge to smack their heads together. He hated being stuck in the middle of this mess. A lot of things could be avoided entirely by just opening up the dirty laundry for everyone to see. No filthy little secrets hiding in the shadows. Yeah, he snorted. That would happen…

"Got something to say there, Uncle Bobby?" Dean asked after swallowing.

"You boys are really good skaters." Bobby replied sarcastically.

"Okay…" Sam droned out.

"Why thanks Uncle Bobby, I hadn't realized you'd noticed. You know I like to keep my manly…" Dean was interrupted by a snarl.

"Idgits." Bobby growled before he stood and started to walk out.

"No, Bobby, really… what?" Dean asked when he reached out to stop Bobby.

"You boys and your secrets… it's enough dammit! You skate around the truth, each keeping shit from the other. You're about to walk into the unknown. Don't you think you owe each other that much at least?" Then he took off out the door.

They both stared after him a few seconds in stunned silence.

Dean cleared his throat. Then said softly, "Maybe Bobby's just as stressed as we are."

"Ya think?" Sam asked sarcastically. A few seconds later he asked softly, "Is there something you want to tell me?"

Dean arched an eyebrow. Really? He shook his head in disbelief… because he was really going to play that card? The King of fucking secrets was asking… "You bitch." Dean snarled as he jumped to his feet.

"Excuse me?" Sam growled back as he stood as well, facing off with Dean.

"You heard me." Dean declared as he grabbed Sam by his shirt and gave him a hard shake.

Sam immediately reached up and tried to pry Dean's fist loose.

Dean suddenly went pale and staggered, his hand dropped away as he fell to his knees, then with a jerk and a hand reaching up towards his face he fell sideways into an unconscious heap.

"DEAN!" Sam screamed as he dropped to his own knees and pulled Dean up against him.

He checked for a pulse as he screamed for Bobby.

Bobby heard Sam's frantic yelp and raced back into the bunkhouse.

"What the hell, boy?" Bobby snapped as he took in the scene before him.

"We… um… I… we were… he just dropped. One minute we're arguing… I mean I think we were going to and then he drops like a rock. What the hell Bobby?" Sam babbled as he stood and pulled Dean into his arms. He took him over to a bunk and lay him down.

"Cas! Would you get him here to help Dean? I need to stay with D." Sam wouldn't look him in the eye in that moment.

Bobby's eyes narrowed as he studied Sammy's bowed head for a few ticks of the clock. "Yeah sure." he finally agreed before he walked out.

Sammy grasped Dean's hand, head still bowed as he sighed. He hadn't wanted this… any of this. But it didn't seem to matter what they wanted. It was a chess game that they were pawns in. It sucked but this was their luck of the draw. After chewing his lip a few seconds he spoke, "Dean. I'm so sorry. I can't seem to not fuck things up. But I promise I will get this right. I will fix this mess. I'll make you proud…" Sam paused before he whispered the last part, "You'll be proud of me again." Sammy was almost afraid Dean would wake up and tell him it'd never be possible to be proud of him again in this lifetime or the next.

Cas cleared his throat behind him which caused Sam to startle so much he scrambled from the bed to whirl around to face Cas in a fighting stance.

"Shit, you do need a bell Cas." Sam snapped as he moved to sit beside Dean's legs so Cas could examine him.

Cas immediately placed his hand on Dean's forehead. "Huh." He commented as he kept his eyes closed and tilted his head. "Hum." Cas repeated as he dropped his hand and moved away at the same time.

"Well?" Sam demanded impatiently.

"He didn't finish his spirit walk. They are doing that now. He will wake when they are done with him." Cas informed him in that annoying monotone he had.

"What? What does that mean? I thought they rejected him… why the hell do they need to talk to him again?" Sam questioned rapidly while he jumped up and grabbed Cas by his trench coat.

"He will wake when they have finished the journey." Cas responded unconcerned by Sam's reaction as he gently removed his fist.

"Dammit Cas… what am I suppose to do? Wait here with my thumbs up my a…" Sam stopped suddenly as it dawned on him if he finished his sentence he'd very likely spend the next several hours explaining the meaning of his outburst… detailing thumbs in places they shouldn't be and he just didn't have time for that. He took a deep breath and changed the subject. "Will you still bring Lucifer to the meeting tomorrow?" Sam asked quietly.

"I promised did I not?" Cas asked confused. He was certain he had agreed.

"Yes. I just wanted to make sure. Because you can still say no… I can find another…" Sam rambled nervously.

"Make sure of what?" Cas interrupted him to ask.

"That you hadn't changed your mind." Sam responded.

Cas again looked confused as he asked, "Why would I do that?"

Sam shook his head as he muttered, "Never mind."

Cas stood there continuing to stare at Sam. Sam was a confusing being, he decided.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Sam asked before he returned to watching Dean. He worried what was going on in Dean's head. Would the spirits tell Dean what he was up to? Is that what was happening right now?

Dean was standing by the creek once again as he watched his parents walk over to him, behind them on a rock stood a wolf, her pups beside her watching them.

"Mom… Dad… what's going on? I was…"

"Dean." His father interrupted him which immediately caused Dean to clamp his mouth shut.

"Dean, honey. We don't have a lot of time so just listen." His mother said quickly as she reached out and touched his arm.

"I'm sorry Mom. Dad." Dean said his voice hitching as he started to shake. "I've screwed up so…"

"Shhh, baby… this is not your fault. Nor is it Sammys'. I need you to listen."

Mary consoled him as she rubbed his cheek gently.

Dean couldn't help the tear that slid down his cheek as he nodded to his mom and waited for her to speak. She wiped his tear away with her thumb before she spoke.

"All you need to do is be honest with him. Once you follow him in. You chain that devil together and you get out… together. You hear me?" Her voice going from soft to firm as she stared intently into his eyes. Dean returned her stare a few seconds before he lowered his eyes and nodded.

John's hand landed on his shoulder. He found it funny he could feel their touches and even their breath on his face. He wanted to stay in this place. It hurt so damn much in the outside world. "Son, you can't." John told him gently. "You have a job to do."

"I know." Dean responded a tad bitterly. "Save Sam. Save the world. Try not to get ridden to the prom…"

"Dean." His parents said in unison.

"Heaven is not like you saw at all." His mother was once again looking at him lovingly, "You are going to be just fine. Give Sammy my love." She kissed him gently as she stepped away John stepped up and pulled Dean into a hug.

Dean froze. They were saying goodbye. He wasn't ready. He was never ready. And now Sammy planned to do the same thing to him. "It's not fair!" He shouted. Lord, even to himself he knew he sounded like a teenage Sam when he railed against his life and the unfairness of the world.

John smiled and his mother blew him a kiss as they moved backwards away from him, "Wait!" He hand was up and he was moving before it registered they had stopped, "I… I." He sighed as he stopped, "I don't want to go back." He admitted softly.

"What about your brother?" John asked.

"What?" Dean said before he laughed a tad bitterly. "Sammy, he hasn't needed me for a long time."

"That's where you're wrong son." John told him firmly.

Dean laughed, "Am I? He delights in telling me how weak and in the way I am. He even…"

"Dean. If you don't go back. You will slip into a coma and die." His mother whispered with a frown. Her concern clear in her features.

"So?" Dean said with a shrug.

"Dean. You might as well put a loaded gun in Sam's hand yourself." John snapped.

Dean frowned, before he started to argue, "Dad, you don't…"

"What… know? What son… you don't think they have windows in Heaven?" John demanded, getting pissed. They were trying to save them. Both of them.

Mary looked at them both before she lost her temper, "Well, at least you taught them how to be stubborn jackasses, John. Of all the…" She snapped.

Finally she pointed her finger at Dean, "If you or your brother show up in heaven before you are both old men with great grandkids of your own I will strangle you both!" She pointed at Dean, "You tell your brother I said that too!" She stomped her foot. "I promised myself I was not going to lose my temper." She muttered with a glare at John.

"What?" John said innocently with a shrug and a smile Dean's direction over Mary's head.

She smacked him on the arm.

John laughed rubbing his arm as he told her, "Honestly woman you're going to blame me for their tempers and stubborn tendencies? They clearly get that from you…" And with a wink to Dean they disappeared.

Dean sniffed trying to keep from crying. At least he didn't get a chance to burst her bubble… neither Winchester boy was going to Heaven anytime soon. And if they happened to die during this latest attempt to fix the world, he was pretty certain they both had express tickets to the One stop Hell shop. A movement caught his eye and he looked back to the rock. The mother wolf was making her way towards him. The puppies followed behind her. She sat down in front of him and looked up. He stared down into to her eyes and he could hear her thoughts in his head. She nuzzled her nose into the palm of his hand as he started to speak he felt his other hand being squeezed.

He looked down at his empty hand and instantly knew. Sammy. Sam wanted him to come back. He bit his lip. He knew he could stay. The choice was his. His parents had told him. The wolf had told him. But the wolf had also told him what would happen to Sammy. To Bobby and to the world if chose selfishly to stay. But what got him was Sam. Bobby would survive. He was a survivor but Sam… Sammy would follow him just for the stubborn bitch he was. As much as he wanted to stay he even more wanted Sammy to live.

Yeah, for a few seconds he'd been selfish… been done. Wanted the easy way out. But when had it ever been easy?

"Bitch…" he mumbled. "You better not have ate my burger…" He mumbled as he fought to wake up.

"What?" Sammy asked as he leaned in and intently watched Dean's face. Studying him. His freckles stood out on his pale skin. Shit, he squeezed Dean's hand, not taking his eyes off him. Willing him to look at him. "Come on, Sleeping Beauty…" he whispered.

"bitch, please." Dean murmured as he blinked up at Sam, "You taking lessons on space invasion from Cas?"

Sam arched an eyebrow as he let out a relieved sigh and repeated, "Space invasion… really Dean?"

"Sleeping beauty, really… Sammy?" Dean countered.

"Dean, why would you need to finish your… um." Sam bit his lip before he blurted out, "I thought they rejected you. Why would they come for you again? Wouldn't they need to talk to me? I mean I didn't even really get started before you passed out and took the header into the…"

"Shut up Sam." Dean said, holding his head.

Sam immediately shut up and started to stand, but stopped and sat back down when Dean grabbed his wrist and pulled him back.

"I'll tell you everything after this is over. Okay? We will sit down and talk about everything. No more secrets about anything… deal?" Dean watched different expressions pass over Sammy's face before he forced out a small grin.

"Sure Dean. It's a deal. But I'm warning you I'm asking about ev-ery-th-ing." He said dragging out the last word and winking.

Dean's grip tightened on Sam as he whispered, "You make it through, I'll tell you everything… even about the picture I have of you with your fingernails and toenails painted hot pink and the bright red lipstick and pigtails."

Sam frowned as he tried to remember that ever happening. Sam stood and went over and got Dean's burger, bringing it over he dropped it onto his chest. "Eat." he ordered.

Dean was pulled into a sitting position by Sam when he tried to sit up on his own.

"Don't move." Sam ordered firmly.

"You just said to eat. Make up your mind." Dean joked.

"Dean."

"Sam."

"You're lying about the picture."

"Am not." Dean countered with a smirk.

"Are too." Sam jabbed back. "Who took the picture then?"

"Mom." Dean answered honestly.

"Mom?" Sam repeated, surprised.

"Yep." Dean confirmed before taking a bite of his burger.

"But I was only…" Sam stopped in mid sentence as it dawned on him.

"Dude, I know." Dean agreed between chewing he continued to talk, "Had to entertain myself somehow. You wouldn't play ball with me. It only bounced off your big fat head."

Sam snickered causing a small smile from Dean. "Where is it then?"

"I'll show after we get done tomorrow." Dean offered.

"Dean."

"What Sammy?" After watching Sam pale at the comment he'd made he added, "Something you want to tell me?"

"What?" Startled, Sammy rapidly shook his head, "No… I…"

"Cause Bobby seems to think so." Dean couldn't help adding.

"That goes both ways." Sam snapped back.

"Yes it does." Dean agreed.

They glared silently at each other before Dean said, "You need to memorize the spells for the cuffs."

"And you need to eat the rest of that." Sam pointed at the burger.

"Tell me the spells word for word and I will eat it."

"Jerk." Sam muttered as he stood to retrieve the spells. He looked them over and repeated both of them word for word back to Dean. "There." He snapped crankily. "Happy?"

Dean frowned before he said, "Actually. No. I won't be until the devil is chained and we put that damn town behind us…" It kind of really ticked him off considering that Sam had no intention of using them to make his escape.

"You make it sound so easy." Sam murmured.

"Bitch it will be with me as your… um…" Dean stopped and cleared his throat. Looking down he picked up his hamburger and tossed it into the trash beside his bunk.

"Dean you said you'd eat that." At the glare from his brother he continued on to ask, "as my what, Dean?"

"As your fucking cheerleader on the damn sidelines. Man, I really hate to sit this one out."

"I know, Dean…" Sam patted Dean's leg as he said softly, "I won't mess up this time."

"Sam. Look at me."

"No."

"Sam. Now." Dean ordered.

"Dean."

"Sammy. I need you to…" He stopped and his breath shuddered before he said, "Mom wouldn't want you to die Sammy."

Sammy open and closed his mouth like a fish out of water before he finally blurted out, "Well, she sure as hell wouldn't want you to die. You're not the one she traded Dad for." As he realized what he said he scrambled up and away from Dean.

Dean was up and following him immediately, "What?"

"Nothing. I'm tired is all." Sammy stuttered out, still backing away.

"Sammy. It wasn't like that." Dean said as he followed him around the room.

"Dean forget it."

"Yeah, like that will happen. How long Sam?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Oh, obviously." Dean retorted with dripping sarcasm.

"It slipped out. I didn't mean…" Sam said wearily. He ran a hand through his hair as he eyed the nearest escape route.

Dean watched Sammy look for a way out, a way away from him. Dean let a tear fall. It seemed like Sammy was always trying to get away from him and Dean always had to chase him down.

Sam spotted the tear instantly and all thoughts of escape raced from his head as he found himself in front of his brother. He grabbed him by the arms and studied Dean intently. "Dean. You okay?"

Dean's whole body seemed to shudder before he focused on Sam, "You always run from me. Why? What if you go where I can't follow?"

"Awh, D. I'm not… I love you, man. I've never ran away from you. I ran from Dad, from life but never has it been about you. You are the one… you… Shit, Dean. You are the only reason I haven't off'ed myself at least a dozen times before now." Sam told him sincerely. The first time he's every been open about his leaving.

Dean blinked as he focused on Sam.

"Dean, you asked for honesty… don't freak out on me now. We'll yell it all out after the devil is cuffed."

"Before now…" Dean repeated slowly.

"What?"

"You said Before now. Meaning you plan on…" Dean thought he finally had a way to corner the shit.

"I… now is where we are. It's now. That's it. I can't contemplate suicide in the future, it hasn't happened yet." Sam tried the quick cover up, the smooth over to try to calm his bulldog of a big brother.

"You… you thought…" Dean couldn't get past it, he hadn't ever… EVER thought of that for Sammy.

"We both have and don't tell me we haven't… my God we are way off topic." Sam ran a hand through his hair, "Let's go get you a fresh burger and you can quiz me on the cuffs spell and the other one."

Dean glared at Sam silently for so long that Sam started to fidgit as he waited for a response from his big brother. When he'd about decided Dean had gone catatonic he spoke.

"Don't think this is forgotten. We are having a chick-flick marathon when this is over." Dean finally declared.

"Can't wait big brother."

"Yeah, well little brother you won't be so happy about it when we have the talk."

Sam was silently glad he wouldn't be around for that talk. It wasn't going to be pleasant. The when and the why of each time he thought about ending it all. He shuddered at the thought. Yeah, he liked to talk things out, but not THAT.

Dean grinned at the shudder, Yeah, he better be scared. Tell him something like that and then want the subject dropped. Oh, it was a long time ago Dean. It's really not a big deal Dean. The last two sentences were in a mock Sammy voice.

So they strategically changed the subject and dragged Bobby along for fresh burgers. On the way back they talked about how both Dean and Bobby hated not being able to go in. Bobby also made a mental note to lock the two idgits in the basement until they came to an understanding about this self sacrificing crap. But first things first. Get rid of Lucifer, damage control later. He was silent as he listened to the easy banter between the boys. He knew they were all playing at the I'm fine with the way this is going game.

The next morning came early. Too early as far as Dean was concerned. He had been watching his devious little brother sleep for the last 2 hours while he studied the spell for the cuffs. He had to know it by heart when he came in after Sam and he didn't have a photographic memory like some little bitches did. No, he had to work at it.

They were met outside by the medicine man's sons, again much too soon for Dean's liking. He would have loved a few more hours to make sure he had it all stored to memory.

The one that looked the oldest informed them. "Dad will meet us there. He has to do our part of the ceremony before you come. It is a sacred tradition no white man has ever seen."

"Okay." Dean drawled out. "So we just hang out… here while you prepare?"

With a curt nod the young men took off again.

"You okay there Sam?" Dean asked watching as his pale brother rubbed his palms on his jeans nervously.

"Yeah." Came the instant response before Sam looked up and focused on him.

"Really? Then why are you wigging out like a druggie hurting for a fix?" Dean demanded.

Sammy flinched at the junkie comment, bit his lip and blurted out, "I had some really vivid dreams last night."

"Midgits or clowns?" Dean asked as he tried to overcome the harshness of his last statement.

Sam frowned at him and then when it registered he smiled. He quickly sobered up; he wasn't going to lie about it, "Mom, Dad, Lucifer." he cleared his throat before he whispered, "and Jess."

Dean's eyebrows shot up.

Bobby silently went back into the cabin, retrieving the cuffs and both spells and parked himself on the porch to do a quick study of the spells.

Sammy jutted out his chin and folded his arms across his chest.

"So what'd they want?" Dean finally asked after getting tired of the staring contest.

Sam blinked at him before he dropped his arms, "Oh," he stepped closer, "We are caring and sharing now are we?" He snapped as he stopped, coming nose to nose with Dean.

"Who'd you see and what'd they tell you?" He demanded.

Dean sighed, "Mom and Dad. Mom said to tell you." He poked Sam in the chest as he snapped, "and I'm fucking quoting now so listen your ass up, If you or your brother show up in heaven before you are both old men with great grandkids of your own I will strangle you both! You tell your brother I said that too."

Sam had backed up with each poke and was looking positively guilty.

Dean held out his hand, silently implied it was Sam's turn.

Sam sighed, "It's personal."

"Sam I swear to God I'm about to pound your face." Dean snarled his warning, he knew his powder keg of a temper was sizzling close to igniting.

Sam smirked as he muttered, "It wouldn't be the first time… it is the first for a warning before hand. So yeah… thanks for that."

"I don't need your fucking sarcasm right now you little shit!" Dean growled before he lunged at Sam, grabbing him in a headlock.

"Dean." Sam didn't try to escape, he just waited.

"Tell me." Dean demanded tightening his hold.

"What?" Sam gasped out, reaching up to grab at Dean's arms.

"Tell me the truth." Dean gritted out between clenched teeth.

"I don't know what you want…" Sam choked to a stop when Dean's grip tightened to cut him off. He tapped his arm, signaling he was done.

"Dean, you might want to let him breathe." Bobby yelled from the porch.

Dean nodded then abruptly let go.

Sam dropped to his knees as he struggled to bring in a full breath. "What the hell is your problem?" He snapped at Dean.

"Your lying ass for one!" Dean growled as he stared down at Sam.

"Dean." Bobby interrupted again from the porch where he was now standing.

Dean reached down and helped Sam stand.

As soon as Sam was standing he jerked away from Dean. He stood glaring at him while he rubbed his neck.

Dean sighed and dropped his hands before he said, "I'm sorry Sammy."

Sam studied Dean before he patted him on the shoulder, "Don't worry about it. We're both keyed up."

Dean flashed a grin before he agreed. "That we are. BUT… we're a team right?" he stared intently at Sam.

Sam nodded immediately, "Yeah, Dean. Winchesters against any baddy out there. Kickin' ass an takin' names."

"Okay then. We do this." Dean flashed him a huge smile.

"We do this." Sam repeated.

They turned and went back to wait with Bobby.

All too soon it seemed to Dean they were taken to the sight where the medicine man waited. Except now a old west town was shimmering like a mirage where open fields had been. Dean chewed his lip before he started in on his thumb. He wasn't ready. What if he couldn't save Sam? He took in the simmering fire and the sparkling stone that glowed an awesome shade of blue while in the mist of the flames.

"The power of Bermuda is breathtaking, is it not?" Yoxe asked with a smile.

"Yeah… this is the Bimini stone, right?" Dean asked just to be sure.

"Yes. It is." He agreed. "Are you ready?" Yoxe asked.

"Has Cas showed up yet?" Dean countered even as he wondered why Sam was suddenly silent.

"Yes. He's taking Lucifer to the saloon to wait for Sam. He should be back any minute." Yoxe told them as he reached out and placed another handful of smelly leaves on the fire set up on a raised rock pit.

"Okay." Dean turned and faced Sam. "Remember, just say the immobilization spell, handcuff the bastard and haul ass back to us."

"Dean. I…" Sam started but was interrupted by Bobby.

"Boy. Don't make us come in after you." He warned Sam.

Sam opened his mouth to inform Bobby that neither one of them, Him or Dean could follow him or he knew for certain they would.

Dean looked Sam in the eye as he told him, "I mean it Sam. Do it that way… for me."

"Dean." He again started only to feel the static electric feel of Cas arriving and was surprised when Cas grasped his arm above the elbow as he said rapidly, "We have to go now." Before disappearing just as quickly.

Dean looked around in disbelief before he snarled, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

TBC