*Side- Note*
- This is long
- Contains Immature Humor
- Some Cursing
- Topics are of a certain nature- see title for reference
- Still Rated T because characters don't actually do anything
Wiener on Wheels
January 27, 1976
Eric hated school. He always felt awkward and weird at school. Well, more than usual. Teachers were mean, jocks were meaner, and those cheerleaders were the meanest of them all. Sometimes he thought of school like a pen that farmers keep their animals in. The problem was he was a sheep and they threw him in a pen of wolves. Every day he faced the challenge of survival.
And lunch time was the worst. The cafeteria was the hub of all the cliques, groups, and divides. And his friends had their own groups- which always made him feel weird. Kelso hung around wanna-be jocks a lot. They would torment and tease, just not as often as the real jocks and not to such a great extent. Their taunts were strictly verbal, and because Kelso was part of their group, they laid off him. And Eric was thankful of that. He already had enough trouble with the regular jocks to then handle the wanna-be's.
And, of course, the cheerleaders themselves. In the cafeteria their table was neatly situated between the preps and the jocks. And Jackie gloated about being with them, eating with them, socializing with them, but most of all- being one of them herself. Eric hated to admit it, but Jackie who just started High School, was higher than him on the totem pole of High School elite. And she bragged about this accomplishment so much that Eric sometimes wondered if her mouth would fall off her face due to her excessive talking. He knew it was wrong of him, but he wished it would that way he'd have some decent thoughts in the basement. But in school it was totally different. Jackie pretended she didn't even know him or his friends- especially Hyde. She also encouraged Kelso to join football and become a true jock, but luckily Kelso didn't even bother. According to him football players were the biggest jerks and he knew- his older brother Casey used to be a High School football player. And besides, Kelso's logic was that he was too pretty to play football, they'd ruin his body with bruises and injuries plus destroy his magnificent face. Kelso would tell her flatly, "We can't take that chance, babe." And Jackie agreed, dropping the subject. Eric underestimated the power of Kelso's looks- they won him an argument with Jackie.
And then there were the burnouts. They were always high or on something, most of them mumbled about suicide and setting the school on fire. Eric was always scared of them, mainly because every time he passed their lunch table they would all stop what they were doing and like one simultaneous beast with 24 eyes, they would glare at him. And these kids always had low grades, most usually came from bad and broken homes, they lived in the poor side of Point Place and were as rough as it got. And Hyde didn't come to school too often, but when he did he sat with these characters. Eric had always voiced his disapproval of Hyde hanging out with these people because Eric always felt that Hyde wasn't one of them. Sure Hyde smoked just as much as they did, engaged in risky behaviors like they did, hated the town and everything it stood for like they did, came from a broken run-down home like they did, and made low grades like they did, but Hyde was Hyde. Hyde was his best friend and Eric always felt that the reason they were friends was because Hyde had a heart of gold underneath his icy exterior- and they didn't.
And then there was his new friend, Fez. Fez didn't know it since he was new and all, but he sat with the weird kids. Eric always tried to be nice to them, but they were just too strange for his taste. One of their members was Carmella Carmichael. She was super smart, so smart that she was the only kid in Eric's Geometry class to pass the course with a 102. And she didn't have to study! However she had the social tact of a three year old. Everything always had to be her way, and if it wasn't, she'd freak out and start clawing and biting. Like last year in Biology-1, Eric was forced to be her partner because they were the last two kids left in the class and everyone already had picked who they wanted to be with. And they had to look through the book and choose which part of Cellular Respiration they wanted to do their project on. Eric chose Glycolysis but she was hell bent on Oxidative Phosphorylation. So Eric let her win, as he let everyone win. But when they told their teacher, he told them that Tommy Wilkinson's group already picked Oxidative Phosphorylation. And then Carmella freaked out, and threw a tantrum in the center of the whole classroom! She was banging her head against the table; she was spitting at Kat Peterson, and gave poor Eric flashbacks of the Exorcist as she yelled in tongues. And when he thought she settled down, he tried to reach out to her and be nice to her. But when Carmella saw Eric's hand outstretched before her, she bit him. And that was when Eric passed out. According to the other kids, she peed on the graduated cylinders and jumped out the window and squawked. Eric couldn't believe they let her in school again. What was worse- he still had to do a project this person! And that was just one kid from the group Fez ate with.
And Donna. He hated himself for having such inappropriate feelings for her. She was his best friend, neighbor, confidant and partner in crime. When they were kids they were inseparable, but then Middle School started and so did the cliques. Donna fit in with the open-minded, liberal girls. Most of them were pretty smart too. Most of them were also drop-dead gorgeous. Somehow Eric didn't find it fair that women so smart and so good-looking had to go to school in a place like Point Place. He imagined them going to California or something. But still, here they were. And these girls weren't the normal High School type- they all had dreams, ambitions, and were goal-oriented and Eric noticed that none of them had plans to get married or have babies. They would shrug that off as a 'backwards woman thought' and say that they were progressive soldiers, charging and storming into the future to break that glass ceiling. And sometimes he felt stupid around them because he was a boy and already had the hope of getting married and having babies, but not with any girl-oh no- but with one of their own- Donna Pinciotti.
Eric knew it was a stupid hope. A girl like Donna, a free thinker like Donna, an attractive woman like Donna would never want to be involved with him romantically. They were just friends. She often asked his opinion of things and invited him up to her place like she probably would a friend who was a girl, except he just happened to be a boy- and he respected that. Or rather, accepted that. And he did his best to always be around her, the naïve hope lingering in his soul that she'd notice him.
He couldn't tell if she did.
It could've been his imagination, but sometimes he would swear she flashed him an intimate smile, or her eyes would bubble with excitement when he was around, and when they were alone…sometimes he believed he had hallucinated her finding new ways to get closer to him. Example- plopping herself right next to him on his basement couch when no one else was around and all the seats were available. And how she pressed her body so close to his that he started sweating like he was next to a fire place. A really tall, shapely fire place with flaming red hair. His definition of heaven, by the way.
But here he was, in the cafeteria. His routine as he walked passed all the tables and sat with the kids labeled 'the nerds' of the school. Donna once tried to get him to sit with her friends once, but they casted him with ugly scowls. Later he found out it was because he was a boy. And once he tried to sit with Kelso's buddies, but all they did was ridicule him. And he even tried to sit with the burnouts. Yeah, if Hyde wasn't there to protect him, they would've gutted him open and posted his mutilated body as a warning to others to stay away. And he didn't even try sitting with either of Jackie and Fez's groups. The weird kids were just too weird and the cheerleaders would give him mean looks as they all grabbed their trays and would claim another table until he left their old one. So, he sat with 'the nerds'. The scary thing was- he blended with them pretty well. They all did their homework, they were always dressed neatly and cleanly for school but since they were the targets of bullies it never stayed that way, and none of them had ever had a girlfriend. Eric somehow knew this was the company he was going to keep for the rest of his life.
He sat down next to one of his fellow nerds, Lonnie Kramden. The boy shoved his glasses up the brim of his nose as he excitedly spilled the contents of his lunch bag so that he and Eric could engage in their ritual of comparing their sack lunches that their mother's made them.
Lonnie snorted, due to his breathing problem, "Hey Forman! I got an orange! Wha'd you got?"
Eric exhaustedly shrugged, taking out his fruit and mumbling in boredom, "Apple."
Lonnie then took out a sandwich, smiling, "I got ham and cheese! You?"
Again Eric dug into his bag, only to report blandly, "Chicken Salad."
Lonnie shook his head, still smiling, "And my desert is yellow Jell-O! Ha- it rhymed! And you?"
Eric sighed, pulling out his own desert, "Banana pudding."
Lonnie somehow found this amusing, "Isn't it funny how our mommy's pack similar lunches!? All of ours do!"
Lonnie gestured to the other seven nerds, all seven performing the ritual he and Lonnie just went through. Eric heard laughs of, "Turkey Sandwich, you?!", "Turkey too! How cool!", "I have roast beef!", "Mine's Tuna!", "Banana!", "Pear!", "Orange!", "Apple!", "Chocolate pudding!", "Rice pudding!", "Tapeoka!", and "Yogurt!" all at the same time.
He shuddered.
Someone, somewhere, must've cloned him, he figured. Someone had to. They even all looked the same for the most part. The ties, bow-ties, side combs and outdated hair styles, the pens in the pockets and the glasses most of them except George and Eric wore…Eric even had to admit that they all had the same interests such as Science Fantasy, Science Fiction, and Super heroes. As much as he hated to admit it, these people were his kindred spirits and the sooner he accepted he was a nerd- the better. And being a nerd didn't bother him as much as the destinies of nerds such as never getting laid, never finding love and working in a cubicle for the rest of your life. How depressing.
Peter, the boy in glasses, braces and a bow-tie leaned in toward the group, excited, "Hey fellas, you know Terryington Falls a couple cities over?"
Everyone nodded, including Eric. He knew what this was- they called it socializing and gossiping, he called it killing time.
Peter sucked in his breath with so much excitement that another boy, Ulysses, stuck out his asthma inhaler for Peter, "You okay, Pete?"
Peter nodded, assuring him, "Wasn't an attack- this time. Thanks Ul, but anyway, I heard that a nerd over there in Terryington got a smile from a girl!"
Lonnie leaned forward, very intrigued, "A real girl?"
George asked in astonishment, "One with 20/20 vision and everything?"
Peter shook his head excitedly, "I think so, I'm not too sure. But can you believe it? There is hope for us, fellas! Maybe one day a girl can smile at one of us!"
"That's our greatest hope? A smile?" Eric blurted, "But love isn't based on smiling! Making babies isn't based on smiling! When you get married the priest doesn't say, 'You can now smile at the bride!' C'mon guys, we need bigger hopes than a smile!"
The table instantly hushed while Lonnie placed a sympathetic hand on Eric's shoulder, "Oh Eric," he began somberly, "You are so young."
Peter opened his yogurt, informing Eric, "Eric, you do realize that when it comes to men, we are at the bottom of the food chain. We are the lowest caliber without crossing into handicap zones. That's why other boys pick on us, and sadly why women won't turn our way."
Eric shook his head, "That can't be right. I'm sure someone like us, a-a-a" he forced himself to say it, "a nerd, was able to find a woman. There are a million people out there and that's not counting those who lived before us! It had to have happened before."
George smiled sadly at Eric as he explained to the rest of the table, "Delusions of Grandeur, my friends."
Peter sighed, shaking his head, "It has NEVER happened as long as High School has been implemented, Eric. Let it go. You'll make yourself a fool if you do otherwise."
Eric shook his head in denial, "No, I defy it!"
Peter pointed at him with his spoon, "Then you're a fool."
Lonnie spoke up, "But-but there is the prophecy…"
Eric wildly turned to Lonnie, demanding, "Prophecy?! What prophecy?"
George shook his head, "It's absolutely preposterous!"
Ulysses squeaked, "A mug's mugs tale!"
Peter raised his hands in front of the other eight boys including Lonnie and Eric, "It's impossible, simply impossible!"
"Let me be the judge of that!" Eric growled as he pressured Lonnie, "What is it?"
All was deadly quiet as Lonnie answered slowly, shaken by meek Eric's assertiveness, "The-the prophecy isn't long or anything. It's-it's just one sentence r-really-y. And, um, and it was spoken by the unknown nerd of 1926."
"1926?" Eric repeated, part of him unable to believe he was actually into this 'prophecy'.
Peter nodded, "Yes. 1926 was the year the very first school in Point Place was established. In 1945 the very first Middle and High Schools were built and the old building built in '26 became the official Point Place Elementary School, nicknamed Old Main."
"Well, that's a nice History lesson-" Eric started, but Peter interrupted, "And Old Main burned down and we all know the rest. The point is that the very first nerd was picked on so much that he left the doors of his school and vowed that one day a fellow nerd would march back in the halls of school with dignity."
Lonnie smiled dreamily at ceiling and recited a sentence he knew by heart, " 'And one of my own will walk into the dining room of this prison of children that has a class structure as unfair as gym, and holding in his hand will be his chosen one who will love him fully'!"
George exhaled sadly, "But more than likely he was drugged when he made such a statement. I mean," he looked Eric square in the eye, "-could you imagine one of us? Walking into the cafeteria? With woman who would actually love us? I don't know if you've noticed, but we don't exactly have Captain Kirk's animal magnetism, Dr. McCoy's charm, or Mr. Spock's distant charisma. You, as us, are inevitably doomed."
"Well those are chipper thoughts." Eric mumbled, slouching in his seat. They were right- that would be impossible and the mere fact a nerd prophesied this was stupid within itself.
::::::
After School:
The Parking Lot of Point Place High- Home of the Vikings:
Eric hung his head while his stomach ached horribly. Maybe he should've eaten lunch but he was too upset by Peter, George and them to take one bite of his Chicken Salad. He threw everything away in his silent anger of his unraveling life. In retrospect though, maybe he was a bit rash to do something so hasty. His belly was certainly regretting it.
As Eric trudged through the parking lot, making his way home, he heard someone call out for him, "Hey! Eric!"
It sounded like a girl, but he shook his head. All that lunch time talk was just messing with his head, as it did the rest of that day.
"Foreplay!" Was the next thing he heard, soon followed by the giggles of girls. Eric peered over his shoulder carefully to see Donna and two other girls she socialized with standing on the outside of the gym. The girls seemed amused of what she called him, though he wasn't, but his brief irritation melted away when she flashed him an apologetic smile. She then motioned for him to join her, and he found he couldn't resist her wishes.
He walked toward her, and all the while she kept her green eyes upon him- reeling him in.
Upon reaching her, one of the girl's Donna was with pointed at him and asked the redhead, "And who's this guy? I've never seen him before in my life."
Eric raised his hand politely, "I-I'm Eric. And you're Jenny. We-we have American Politics together."
The tanned girl rolled her eyes, "Politics in general belittle women and their rights, but you wouldn't care, would you Penis-walker?"
"Um," Eric blinked, "What did I do to piss you off exactly?"
Donna explained, gesturing toward the other girl whose company she was in, "Mariam and Jenny are feminists." She then added more modestly, "They're trying to recruit me to join them."
The blond girl, apparently Mariam, screwed up her face toward Eric, "Donna, we asked for the opinion of your best friend, not the momma's boy you feel sorry for."
Jenny thought that was funny and laughed right in Eric and Donna's faces. He could feel his stomach acid rise to his throat. Luckily before his nervousness would make him hurl, Donna placed a welcomed hand on his shoulder and told these two harpies, "He's cool, trust me."
He was stunned.
He turned toward her, his lips curved in a dopey smile. She thought he was cool!
But the girls weren't as convinced as one of them snarled, "He's a nerd, Donna. A momma's boy, pencil pusher of a nobody."
He thought he was going to be sick again. Was there as sign on his back that let everyone dog him today or what?
The other girl agreed, "I don't care for the opposite sex beyond the act itself, and this guy doesn't even look like he'll be able to do that correctly."
Eric tried to take a step back, but Donna's hold over him was too strong, her grip around his shoulder tightening. Donna shook her head, "If you can't accept my best friend, then you can't accept me."
Mariam told her, "But you're a shoe in! You're third in our class and everything!"
Jenny placed her hands on her hips, sighing impatiently, "Fine, we accept the twig. Now can we count on you to join our ranks? You'll make a nice addition."
Donna thought about it before turning to Eric, "I dunno….What do you think?"
The two girls were shooting daggers at Eric's direction until he gulped, "Y-yeah. They, they look like nice people."
And he could've sworn that the Jenny girl growled at him menacingly. He gulped, "Real nice!"
They then rolled their eyes and mumbled, "Whatever's" before leaving. And then Jenny peered over her shoulder, instructing Donna, "Meetings at 7 in the afternoon on Tuesday, at the library. Brooke Rockwell's hosting, got it newbie?"
Donna smirked, "Sure. See you then."
As they disappeared to the other end of the parking lot, Eric asked Donna softly, "What were those things again?"
"Feminists." Donna responded coolly, "I kinda like them. Believe it or not I have a lot in common with them."
Slowly they began walking out of the parking lot, side-by-side.
Eric felt it safe enough to admit, "Donna, they're scary."
She cocked her eyebrow up at him, "I should hope not, considering I'm their newest member."
Great, he could just imagine, yet another group to tear him away from his beloved. He rubbed his hand through his oily hair as he admitted, "Donna, I don't know what you believe in, but I've heard that feminists are challenging the traditional and proper ways of life."
According to her face she was studying him. She then asked, her tone slightly upset, "I see. And what exactly is your definition of 'proper'?"
As they walked passed a fence and onto the sidewalk, Eric awkwardly scratched a pimple on his chin, "Y' know…the right way. With women accepting their roles in society, getting married, staying home to clean the house and do their womanly duties…bear and raise the children."
She stopped walking in the middle of the sidewalk, her face shocked.
"You, Eric Albert Forman, are a Sexist."
"I am not!" He whined like a 2nd grader on a playground.
She nodded decidedly, "You are. And to think of all the times I thought of asking you out."
"Out?!" He squeaked.
She then finished playfully, laughing, "With our friends, you dork! I mean, it can't just be us, alone…together."
"And why not?" He asked, mocking hurt to disguise he truly was.
"Because," She started, "What if we go out and," She thought, tapping her finger against her bottom lip, "Let's say I fall for you because you are so irresistible." Eric's feet never before were so hard to move. They felt like bricks. And she even continued, "Well, what if I fall so hard, I can't get up by myself so I lean on you, and depend on you, and I forget myself. And then…what if you leave me, Eric? And then I can't get up on my own anymore."
He asked her quietly, "Why can't you get you up?"
She looked him dead in the eye, "Half a person cannot live, and nor can he, or she, stand."
He shrugged bashfully, kicking a rock, "It's not like I'm going to Africa or any place."
She herself shrugged bashfully, "It was just a hypothetical situation, Eric."
He played along, nodding as he shoved his hands in his pockets, "Yeah…I mean, we're too different anyways. You're so progressive and I'm so-" What was the word?
"Traditional." She offered.
"Yes," He gave a short nod, "And you're a self-proclaimed feminist and you think I'm a-"
"You are a sexist."
"And you're so respected in the school and they labeled me a ner-"
She grabbed his arm, pulling him to look at her, "You're not a nerd, Eric. I've seen the nerds and they are so boring and as bland as beige-"
"Donna," He started, "I am wearing beige pants with a yellow shirt that matches my beige tie. I am a nerd."
She tenderly squeezed his shoulder, "No, you're not. You're the sweetest boy who ever lived. And I never want you to doubt yourself on that. You're not beige, Eric. You're amazing, it's just you haven't realized it yet."
And before he could stop himself he blurted, "You're amazing."
Soon her cheeks were turning red. And then his own followed.
"Donna-" He began shakily, three seconds away from revealing his feelings for her.
"Yes?" She asked eagerly.
"Donna, I have strong-very strong- feelings for-"
"GIANT GENITALS!"
She turned around as Eric's eyes looked passed her. "What in the world-" She coughed, just in time to for Fez to crash into the pair of them, panting, "Giant Genitals!"
"Fez, what're you talking about?" Was all Donna could muster to say.
The foreign exchange student pointed farther up the road, gasping in gulps of air, "I-I-I…ran here…here…to-to-to find someone…" He then reached out to Eric like a dying man, clutching the skinnier boy's collar while puffing, "I ran all da way from da HUB! Where I waz with my cwush Carmella Carmichael and den I saw it! I saw it, Edic!" He then crammed his head around to excitedly tell Donna, "I saw it and it waz glorious!"
"What did you see Fez?" Eric asked Fez in strangled, worried voice.
Fez leapt up, a huge smile on his face as he shouted in glee, "Giant Genitals!"
And Donna saw something too. Fez's right leg from his knee down was wet from the front. She pointed at it, daring to ask, "And did it pee on you or something?"
Fez looked down, shaking his head with his innocent smile intact, "No, no that was Carmella." He further explained, "She was marking her turf. But anyway, I saw it! I saw da genitals!" And then he smirked at Donna, "You and any girl to see it would instantly wish for a man with big manhood and would settle for nothing less!"
"Settle for nothing less?" Eric squeaked, "Donna can't go. No, no she-she as to-" He looked around wildly before pointing at himself desperately, "-walk me home! So, sorry Fez but-"
Donna interrupted, intrigued despite herself, "Donna can go." She adjusted her backpack before grabbing Eric's wrist, "And Eric too. Let's check out your genitals."
Fez looked at his crotch curiously which caused Donna to shake her head, "No Fez, the giant one's you saw."
"Oh." Fez gloomily registered, "For once I thought girl wanted to see little Fez." He then shrugged it off, "Oh well, maybe next time. Maybe with Carmella!"
Eric and Donna exchanged looks before following Fez in the direction of the HUB.
::::::
The HUB:
"Michael!" A small cheerleader squealed, squirming on her boyfriend's lap in the booth nearest to the restrooms. Kelso wrapped his big arms around his girlfriend's waist. He kissed her neck repeatedly, nuzzling his nose up to her, "Hey Jackie… you wanna play a game?"
Jackie stopped laughing, telling her boyfriend flatly, "I told you Michael, I don't like games! There's a chance I could lose, and Jackie Burkhart does not lose."
A mischievous smile spread across his face, "In my game we both win. And in it I'll be the doctor and you can be my patient."
Jackie narrowed her eyes, trying to control her own urges. "Michael," She began somberly, "I am not some sort of floosy. Though, if you bought me some pearls, diamonds and rubies- that would be justification enough for me to be with you."
Kelso thought, "Well, I only know two Rubies. Ruby Davis and Ruby Kessler. But I know a whole bunch of Pearls. Pearl Douglas, Pearl Richards, Pearl Simon, Pearl Gibbons, and Pearl Depew just to start off with. But it's a shame I don't know any Diamonds…How come you need so many girls?"
Before Jackie could explain, Kelso grinned, "Wait. You wanna play doctor with 'im?"
Jackie smacked Kelso's shoulder, hissing, "Michael, that's stupid!"
She immediately jumped off his lap, heading straight toward the bathroom as she mumbled loud enough to hear, "For that comment you're being punished."
Kelso jumped out of his booth, whining, "Jackie-"
Before heading into it, she turned around and screeched, "And your punishment is 30 minutes without me!"
"But that's 30 minutes of no make-out fun!" He screeched himself.
"I know." And then she disappeared in the ladies room, the door slamming right on Kelso's nose as he lunged toward it.
"Ah!" He shrieked, "Damn Jackie!"
As soon as he sighed and sat back into his booth Fez, Eric, and Donna came into the HUB. Kelso took one look at them and rose to his feet, his face apparently depressed, "Guys, help me out here. Jackie-"
Fez waved his hand at Kelso to silence him before forcing Eric and Donna to look out the window of the HUB. Fez giddily clapped his hands, "See it? It is on Franklin Street!"
Eric and Donna peered out the window at the same time. Eric realized, "That's not genitals."
While Donna smirked, "Fez, you're the strangest kid I ever met."
Fez made a frown, "But they are not? I thought they were. Dare are women dressed down to their undergarments throwing vibrators and everything!"
Kelso dove toward the window, pushing Eric into the pinball machine and out of the way, screaming excitedly, "Women in underwear?! Move outta the way, Eric!"
Donna rolled her eyes, scooping up Eric and placing him back on his feet. After he mumbled a thank you, they turned toward Fez. She placed her hands on her hips while he crossed his arms across his chest. In unison they said, "Fez, that's the Oscar Mayer Wiener Mobile."
Kelso giggled, checking out the babes on the Weiner Mobile, "Those aren't underwear they're wearin', buddy! Ha-ha! But they're the next best thing- bikinis!"
"And those aren't vibrators." Donna confidently informed the boys, "Those look more like whistles in the shape of wieners."
Fez asked innocently, "Oh. I see. And are you sure that you have justified reasons for dashing away my boyhood dweams?"
"What?" Donna asked.
"Are you sure day are not vibrators?" Fez clarified, not quite believing Donna.
At that Donna nodded, "Of course. I know how vibrators loo-" Kelso tore his brown eyes away from the window as his fingers held the blinds open. Both Fez and Eric stared at Donna intensely.
Donna quickly cleared her throat, hoarsely saying, "Did I say vibrators? I meant whistles. I know whistles. And what those poor role models for girls are definitely passing out are whistles."
Eric kept his green eyes on Donna, only stopping to blink. And Kelso smugly shoved his tongue on the bottom of his lip, smiling arrogantly than Eric, "If she's played with vibrators, you don't got a prayer, buddy."
Kelso then slapped Eric's shoulder before returning to his post- gawking at the girls.
::::::
In a nearby Alley, by a dumpster:
He pressed the plastic bottle to his parched lips. The cool liquid trickled out and soon, his water was gone.
Hyde groaned and threw the water bottle in the dumpster with a small dunk. Last week his and Edna's water started coming in funny. All the water in the house was dark, and smelled of mud. Edna talked it over with the landlord, but that woman didn't care. She blamed him and his mother for the water problems and told them that in a week she'd "look" at it but for them not to bother her until then- she was dating a real nice man and she was hoping he'd ask her to marry him or some stupid crap like that.
For a week all he drunk was beer. He'd thought it would be a paradise- instead it was living hell. It made him more tipsy and off-balance than usual. He even went to school so he could grab something to drink at lunch, but because he hadn't paid the lunch prices ($3.00 for lunch, $1.75 for breakfast- every day) because he didn't have any lunch money because the school paid Edna shit, he wasn't allowed to eat. He had no money to pay- thus he could have no food to eat. He even approached one lunch lady awkwardly and asked her as politely as he could if he could just have one lousy carton of milk. She told him flatly that a carton was quarter by itself. Well he didn't have it and had too much pride to ask Forman or Donna to barrow one, so he just left with no milk.
And the massive amount of beer in his system was causing him to sweat more than usual. He tried to sober himself up with crackers and bread, the only thing they had to eat since the day his dad took off. It wasn't working though. And he reeked of the stench of alcohol. And stupid Kat Peterson felt so bad for him that she tossed him a nickel. He wasn't homeless! What the hell was that?! He was glad Carmella Carmichael spat like a fountain at her last year.
"Hey."
He'd been pacing the alley for a while. For some reason it felt appropriate that something trashy like him would be in a dark, disgusting place like this. And he really wasn't expecting company, besides the rats of course.
He turned to look at the person slowly.
Shocked was an understatement and he did his best to hide this.
"Kat Peterson." He said slowly, "One of bitchiness's finest."
"Thanks for the compliment." She smirked, licking her lips and eyeing him up and down like a piece of raw meat, "Just listen and keep your mouth shut."
He closed his mouth out of sheer curiosity. He didn't know why, but the preppy girls always seemed the most demanding, more so than the feminists, and it scared him a little that it turned him on so much.
She smiled at him, "Everyone's distracted by that stupid hotdog car so no one will notice that I'm gone for 30, 34 minutes or so. And I've been watching you in school Hyde, when you bother to show up that is. You kiss and don't tell. You don't say a damn thing about anyone about anything. I like that in a man. I like one who can keep his lips sealed. So," She pressed her body close to his causing his body to tense up immediately. He wasn't used to women just throwing themselves at him. Pam Macy would even make jokes about him because he was poor and stuff.
She whispered in his ear, "Fuck me."
If she wasn't so close to him, she would've seen his shocked face. Despite what everyone thought of him, he wasn't a playboy. He'd leave that to Kelso. And he wasn't a husband/father type either. That was Forman's dream. And the constant need of female companionship was Fez's domain. But most importantly- he only had sex twice in his young life and both were with a girl named Esther that left him for his uncle. And he knew his friends barely knew Esther, she was seventeen and he was fourteen at the time of their 'relationship' or whatever that was.
Hyde just stood like a statue, mumbling with a thick tongue, "Um…what hotdog car?"
What hotdog car?
That was his big sentence? Gah, he wanted to punch himself in the face for that remark.
Kat pulled back, stunned that he even said that. She then lazily gestured toward the back of the HUB, "It's over there somewhere, going a lousy 5 miles per hour." She looked him up and down before questioning him, "Why?"
Hyde felt his mouth go dry. Why was he concerned about this anyway?
And then it occurred to him that he was trying to avoid being with Kat. She was hot, slutty, and high maintenance- all attributes he secretly had a thing for. But, there was a little matter about Donna. Even if he knew that she was stuck on Forman, he still couldn't help but hope that he had a chance with her. And he wouldn't jeopardize that chance, no matter how small it was, and definitely not with someone like Kat Peterson.
And that hotdog car or whatever she was describing was his ticket to get away from this girl, and that's why he clung onto it like Linus from the Peanuts cartoon's clung onto his blue blanket.
Addressing her earlier question he told her stiffly, "'Cause that's where I'm off to, kid." He then stepped to the side and pulled out of her embrace, walking out of the alley. He tipped his sunglasses ever so slightly, nodding, "Thanks for the offer, though."
She was beyond pissed. She snarled at him, "What the hell?! I practically threw myself at you! What's the hold up?! Oh, oh don't tell me it's a giant hotdog that's peeked your interest!" As he walked away from her she shouted at him, "Playin' for the other team or something?!"
He kept on walking. Her insults had no value or substance as far as he was concerned, so he just kept on walking.
And as he walked away from her, she yelled, "Or is it something else, Hyde?! Is it someone else you can't have?!"
She was getting closer to his weak spot, as a result he began picking up the pace.
And that was when she nailed it, screaming, "As long as it's not Donna! There's a rumor around school she's into that boney nerd friend of yours! She claims they're just friends but WE ALL KNOW THE TRUTH!"
His feet switched to heavy jog without his permission as he headed straight toward Franklin.
::::::
Franklin Street, by the HUB:
Going 5 miles per hour was the Oscar Mayer Wiener Mobile. On the back of the of the overgrown hotdog were two women hanging outside a backside window, both in matching pink bikini's, throwing whistles in the shape of hotdog wieners at the crowd of High School kids that followed behind them blindly like a cult.
All the teens chanted, "Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Oscar!"
"And remember to purchase Oscar Mayers wieners and related products!" One of the woman chanted to the crowd while her blond partner pointed at the crowd jogging behind the Oscar Mayer Weiner Mobile, "Who's wiener do you want?!"
Pam Macy jumped up and down, her top exposing her breasts and shouting, "Oscar's! Yeah!"
And Timmy Thompson pointed at Pam's exposed top and shouted at the top of his lungs, "HHHhhhheeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy, Pam Macy's boobs are loose! Chicks, hang tight to your boyfriends 'cause she's out and about!"
As if on cue, any girl who had a boy immediately held him close to her while Pam squealed and tried desperately to tuck herself back into her shirt, hissing at Timmy, "Shut up, Timmy!"
And that was when Donna, Eric, Kelso showed up and meshed with the crowd, being led by Fez of course. Shelly and Leslie Canon, both popular blonds from the school were next to the gang.
Kelso caught a glimpse over the crowd of Pam Macy trying to fix her top and laughed, "Pam Macy's top's off!"
Both Fez and Eric crammed their necks in the general direction Kelso was gawking at, but since both boys were shorter compared to the oldest member of their group; they couldn't set their hungry eyes on Pam.
Fez whined, "I can't see!"
Eric mumbled, "Me neither…"
And then Eric felt eyes burning into his skull. When he turned around, Donna was staring at him with cold, green eyes. Eric immediately started twitching, for some reason feeling as if he was cheating on his girlfriend or something as he squeaked in a high pitch voice, "And I wouldn't want to see 'er either, I'll tell you what!"
Fez and Kelso stopped looking at Pam and turned to Eric, their expressions the same- confusion. And this was not lost to all surrounding parties either- Shelly and Leslie Canon exchanged looks, but both their looks had one thing in common- amusement.
Eric stammered, staring at Donna for guidance as to what to do, "'Cause I wouldn't be caught dead looking at Pam Macy of all people! Yeah….. yeah….. yeah!"
Donna kept her gaze upon him, her features stone-cut and expressionless.
Eric swallowed, reaching the end of his rope as he threw out awkwardly, "I don't even like girls like her! …..Blond? Pfft, blondes are so…" He proceeded, sounding like a pre-teen girl, "so, yesterday!"
Shelly and Leslie tried to hide their giggled snorts.
Donna's expression softened, but only slightly. This encouraged him to approach her and whisper low enough for her to hear, "I'm stupid. I'll never look at her again-promise."
Why was he promising? Donna wasn't even his girlfriend but for some reason he felt obligated to do so.
And that was when she let a small smile break from her lips. He took it as a good sign and shyly smiled back at her.
Shelly nudged Leslie and pointed at Eric and his friends. With a cruel smirk on her face and with the strict intent in of embarrassing Donna, Leslie tapped Donna on her shoulder, "Hey Pinciotti, when did you and-and-" She turned toward Shelly, Eric's name escaping her memory, "um, nerd boy?"
Leslie was kind enough to whisper in her ear, "Umbla."
Shelly smirked, "That's right, Umbla." She then turned her attention back to the group, specifically a red faced Eric and a cool Donna. She continued whimsically, "When did you two become Point Place's model couple?"
Kelso blurted, his head going from Eric and Donna to Shelly and Leslie, "What're ya talkin' 'bout?!" He then barged his clumsy self between the girls and his friends. He faced them both, leaning down to talk to his pals, "What're they talkin' 'bout? You two aren't together, are you?"
Fez clasped his hands excitedly, sucking in his breath, "And you are neighbors! Ah, how romantic! Just like da movies!"
Eric's face was so red it grew purple. He couldn't even let out a sound from his closed throat while Donna just blinked. How the hell did they know she liked him? Was she that obvious?!
She said slowly, brushing past Kelso, "Eric and I are just friends, Shelly."
Shelly kept on smirking, "Just friends, huh?" She too brushed Kelso out of the way, smiling at Eric like the cat who swallowed the canary, "You hear that? She's only your friend and that's that."
Leslie shot Eric a pitying face, as did Fez when he told him, "I am so sorry you were only in a relationship for less than three seconds, Edic."
Donna screwed her face, placing her hands on her hips, asking the two girls, "What's going on?"
The girls rolled their eyes at her, smiling smugly and turning on their heels to walk away from her. The redhead's ears matched her hair as the two of the most popular girls at school skipped away. Seeing them so perky and basking in their High School authority, Donna groaned at their retreating figures as they melted in with the rest of the crowd.
"Big D?" Kelso tried, "You okay?"
"I can't stand girls like that!" Donna spat angrily, "Girls who set these-these-these backward High School rules! Because of girls like them, High School is a virtual hell hole for those who belong to the same gender! They spread rumors, they laze around in lies, sleep with boys and whore around and are just plain mean! I mean- What the hell?!"
"Know what you mean. Girls like that are true pains in the asses."
Everyone spun around to see Hyde approaching them, coughing, "I already ran into Kat on the prowl."
Fez leaned toward him, asking, "Was it a Panther?"
Kelso chuckled quietly to himself, "He's thinking Pussy."
Fez overheard him, misunderstanding, "Oh, Donna's black one?"
Everyone stared at Fez with gaped eyes and hanging mouths.
Fez was confused, "What is wrong?"
Donna couldn't help but blurt, "My black what?!"
"Pussy." Informed Fez, "Do you not have a black one you named?"
Kelso smiled at Donna, "You named it, huh?"
Before Donna could deny, Fez clarified, "Your pussy is a boy. You call him Mr. Bonkers, no?"
At the same time everyone face palmed, realizing, "OOOOHHHhhhhhhh!"
Kelso laughed, "Cat! You meant cat!"
Eric sniffed in relief, "Your cat- Mr. Bonkers! Wow, to think it was awkward there for a sec…"
Hyde let out a breath, "Fez, you are…something else."
Forgetting the topic of their conversation, Donna turned her attention back to Hyde, "So Eric and I were having problems with Shelly and Leslie Canon and you with Kat Peterson?"
Kelso took in a deep breath, framing manhood with his sudden deep voice, "It appears the bitches are out!"
"Yeah." Hyde agreed. And then Hyde noticed it. Kelso's annoying leech that he called a girlfriend wasn't there. Hyde kept turning his head, looking over his shoulders while the Oscar Mayer crowd started distancing themselves from them.
It had been a long time since it was just the old group back together again. Forman, Donna, Kelso and him- together and free without care or anchors tied around them. And with the newest addition to their gang- Fez, Hyde felt oddly at peace. And the fact that Kelso's midget girlfriend what's her face with her shrill voice wasn't present made everything taste sweeter. He couldn't remember the last time he felt so young again and let out a big, content sigh.
He couldn't help the smile that wormed itself to his face as he felt his arms pat both Kelso and Fez's shoulders as he suggested, "Hey guys, wanna go someplace and see if we can get some misdemeanors?"
Donna wrinkled her nose at such a thought, "Pot? No way, that stuff kills your brain cells."
Eric quickly agreed, "Yeah, it kills cells of brain."
Hyde couldn't believe it. Forman and Kelso had been joining him in the Smokey- Smokey since they were thirteen. The fact that Forman would take such a stupid stance to impress Donna infuriated him. What made it worse was that she seemed proud of his response. Forman and Donna together were repulsively two squares. They were awful for each other and he knew that if they were to hook up, they wouldn't last four years. Donna wasn't built for a relationship. She was too independent for such a thing and if she had a boyfriend, she would need for him to be equally independent. Forman wasn't independent. He was the opposite- he was dependent. And he would suck her spirit dry because of it and change her into a completely different, helpless person. But if she were with him, it wouldn't be that way.
At least he told himself that as he blinded himself with his own truths, hiding behind his shades.
Hyde felt his mood change from pleasant to disastrous at the drop of the hat. He tried to disguise it, make his expression shock, "Wow! Really Forman?" He then added sarcastically, "Kills cells of brain, huh?" He couldn't help his surging anger as he snarled at Eric's cringing figure, "And what's so fucking fantastic that yer preserving your brain for? Being an accountant?"
Donna pushed herself between a shrinking Eric and a relentless Hyde. She gently pushed back Hyde's shoulders, instructing him, "Leave him alone- now."
Because of his intense sweat, his aviators slid down the bridge of his nose just enough for his blue eyes to have strong contact with her wild, protective emerald pools.
Like flipping a coin his attitude changed. He stepped back, cracking a smile, "I was just messin'. Relax. I'm cool."
Kelso then told his friends, their altercation completely going over head, "Hey! Y' know what else kills brains? Or, or at least eats 'em anyway?" He paused just enough for dramatic effect before jumping up and blurting, "ZOMBIES!"
Fez raised his hand like he was in school, modestly asking, "And what of mummy's?"
Kelso shook his head, "No Fez, mommy's give birth to you."
"Oh." Came the foreign boy's reply.
Donna ignored them, brushing her hair out of her face and asking Hyde, "So what were you saying about Kat?"
"Nothin'." Hyde mumbled, "She was just bein' a bitch but…but at least I don't have to put up with a prissy, popular princess for the rest of the day."
Donna nodded in agreement.
And then they heard a long, high pitch shrill, "MICHAEL!"
Everyone turned around to see none other than Jackie Burkhart heading their way. Hyde let out a long breath, sighing sadly, "So close…"
Jackie Burkhart marched right up to their little group who was standing in the middle of the road by themselves and hit Kelso's arm with surprising force as she sneered, "What the hell was that?! I ground you for thirty minutes and when I come out to reward your patience, YOU'RE GONE! And I ask around like an idiot just to find you here-" She made a face, especially directed at Hyde and Donna, "-with your friends!"
Eric stepped forward, telling Jackie calmly, "Relax Ms. Burkhart. We weren't even participating in any shenanigans."
Jackie placed her hands on her hips, glaring at Eric, "And why are you calling me Ms. Burkhart? I'm not my mother, you moron!"
Eric corrected, "If I thought that, I would say 'Mrs.'"
Jackie shot Eric daggers, snarling, "I'm not even talking to you! As far as you're concerned- we don't even know each other. In fact, none of us should associate with the other with the exception of boyfriend/ girlfriend relationships because of our cliques!" She then narrowed her eyes at all of them, practically fuming, "This is why I've always hated you people! You're from different cliques and yet outside of school you hang out with each other! All of you are spitting in the name of High School Laws! What's next?!" She then added sarcastically, "Eating lunch together?"
Donna wrinkled her nose at the underclassman, "Well if you don't like us, you can leave."
Hyde sneered coldly, "Yeah. No one wants you around anyhow."
Even Kelso looked like he agreed with his friends. Only Fez looked outraged by his friend's responses. Fez shook his head, asking his friends, "How can we kick her out? She has boobs, though granted not much, but boobs none da less. She should stay. Maybe one day she will drunk flash us and you will be thanking me!"
"If she does flash us, I'll be drinking alright." Hyde muttered, eyeing Jackie suspiciously, "And I wouldn't want to see any part of this little girl bare."
"Mainly 'cause that would be child molestation or something, right?" Donna joked.
Jackie was shocked. No one had ever in their lives referred to her in such a way as her boyfriend's buddies. She shrieked, "Oh you are all awful!" She pointed at Donna and worked her way over to Hyde, in her opinion the two absolute worst members of Eric's little basement gang, "All Of You Are Just Plain AWFUL!"
And he didn't know why he did it, since he was such a quiet, meek boy. He was like that, especially, when he was around the popular, cheerleading type but for some reason he didn't see Jackie as that sort of breed. He just saw her as a spoiled brat. Because of that, Eric shook his head at her, warning, "You are the awful one around here, Jackie. If you don't learn to be more understanding, friendlier, and less demanding of others- you'll end up a very lonely woman."
Hyde's throat grew tight, his hands shoving themselves in his blue jean jacket. The memory of Jackie actually being nice to him a few weeks back lingering in his memory. But, for all her trouble, she wasn't worth it. He wasn't going to rush to her aid. Again, Hyde was telling himself things to make the unraveling situation that much easier to stomach.
Meanwhile, Eric was trying to get her to see her vulgar manner in vain hopes she would change it, but Jackie didn't see that. Instead she felt that Eric was joining the dog pile Hyde and Donna created.
Like a trapped animal she turned toward her boyfriend, pleading, "Michael! Look at how their treating me! As if I was a common person! Do something!"
Kelso shoved his hands in his pockets, his posture very awkward and uncomfortable. He couldn't even look in Jackie's general direction, and his usual smile was replaced by a tight line on his face. She was making this tough on him.
She then demanded, "Well, if you're not gonna help me, can you at least give me a descent excuse for ditching me?!"
Kelso looked up at her, saying the first thing that popped in his head, "None of this would've happened if you just put-out!"
Jackie was pissed, "Excuse me?!"
Kelso then raised his hands, instantly going on the defense, "If you put-out right off the bat, back at the HUB, we'd be at yer house or somethin', and I never would've gone with my pals to begin with!" Kelso then added clumsily, "And besides, putting out makes your nails grow, babe! I swear it!"
"Michael…" She groaned. When she said it, she didn't seem mad or upset, just troubled and defeated. She then sighed a sigh of someone withered and tired, a sigh someone as young as her had no business producing. She then turned toward Eric, smirking sadly, "Makes my nails grow, he says. All I have to do is put-out, he says. He swears, he says. But does he bother listening to what I say?"
Eric saw how desperate Jackie seemed, so he cleared his voice to gather the attention of the other five. Once they were all focused on him, he pointed down the street, suggesting shakily, "Do you wanna see the Oscar Mayer Wiener Mobile, Jackie?"
The look on her face was priceless- shock.
Eric stammered hastily, "It's…all the popular kids are there. Anybody who's anybody and everyone else is there, having fun."
Luckily for Eric, his next door neighbor knew what he was doing, and chipped in- the best way she knew how. Donna asked the cheerleader bluntly, "Wanna go with us, Jackie?"
Jackie stopped, her eyes looking Donna up and down as if she was deciding to buy a doll, "Um…" Jackie let an unsure, "I don't know." Slip past her lips.
Fez placed an arm around Jackie, beaming, "Come with us! We would be honored to have you!"
The brunette's attitude suddenly changed into this softened, almost delicate nature. She shyly smiled at the foreigner and then the redhead, slowly agreeing, "I-I guess so."
Kelso seemed relieved that a fight was avoided, but Hyde couldn't be more pissed. As Fez guided Jackie to the front of the group, Hyde fell behind. He grabbed Eric with one hand and Donna with the other, hissing, "For people who claim not to smoke pot- I think yer brain cells are dead right now! I mean, Jackie?! What the hell's a matter with you two?"
Eric mumbled, trying not to let Hyde hurt his arm too badly; "She was lashing out, Hyde! She's lonely and a kid! We can't just leave her-"
"Yes we can." Hyde snickered, "I could've left her on the side of the street like the rest of the unwanted road kill."
Eric knitted his eyebrows, "You?"
Memories of the time he searched the streets with her still in his skull. The way how she was dragging him by his arm, smiling at him, simply being nice to him…it was revolting that a part of him liked it. And he would be damned if he would ever let Jackie crawl her way into his life again because he didn't need to feel anything from anyone other than Donna. Donna was the one he was meant to have. He shook the recollections off, trying to explain again, "We don't need her. We're cool without her."
Donna tore her arm away from Hyde's grasp with one move, and faced him off, "Hyde, she's a kid. Granted a very annoying, stuck-up, and loud one, but a kid none the less." She then motioned for Eric to follow her as she shook her head disapprovingly at Hyde, "Give her a chance. You might actually like her."
Hyde mumbled something inaudible while he sank behind the rest of his group who were all in search of the Oscar Mayer Wiener Mobile.
Eric, for a second, thought it was, "I know."
::::::
The HUB:
1 Hour Later:
"YAHHHHOOOOOOO!"
Eric and his friends stumbled into the HUB, laughing every which way and carrying one another.
Kelso let out another loud shout, Jackie on his back in a fit of giggles. Meanwhile Donna and Hyde were busy carrying a drunken Fez. Donna laughed, "Fez drank what?"
Hyde busted out, "Seven Six packs! He thought it was soda-pop! By the time I got to him, he was as plastered as Mrs. Forman on St. Patrick's Day!"
Eric ran to their booth, also a bit on the drunken side. He wrapped his arms around the table, giggling, "Guys, I can smell grease!"
Soon the others joined him, Jackie and Donna sitting on either side of him, and Hyde taking his place right next to the other side of Donna. And both Fez and Kelso took chairs from neighboring tables so they could have seats of their own at Eric's booth.
Jackie cocked her head back, giggling uncontrollably, "That was so much fun!" She then turned to them, her smile growing, "Remember when Shelly and Leslie Canon got into a fight over Jake Bradley and Leslie body slammed Shelly into the sidewalk! That was so awesome!"
Donna nodded, a smile rivaling Jackie's on her lips, "And when Buddy Morgan tried to stop everything, Shelly got all whorey and tried to French him and called him her hero."
"And he resisted!" Kelso bellowed in shock, "And here I was, thinkin' no man could resist a whore!"
"Guess Buddy comes from good, wholesome stock." Eric laughed, pointing at himself proudly, "Like me. I'm a man who can resist any whore!"
"More like a little boy any whore can resist." Hyde hooted, motioning for someone to come to their table and take their order.
"All I know was how stunned Buddy was that Shelly was all over him!" Jackie laughed, "He actually pushed her away and said the sentence, 'Control Yourself, madam!'"
Fez then jumped up, emptying the contents of his pockets…which were all wiener shaped Oscar Mayer whistles that the Weiner Mobile was tossing out. At least twenty whistles spilled out on top of the table. Everyone immediately grabbed handfuls and Fez giddily hiccupped, "Look at the vibrators I gotted!"
At that Donna rolled her eyes, "Fez, for the last time- they are not-"
Kelso put her on the spot, swiping a whistle off the table, "And how would you know? You ever put one between yer legs and feel the feel."
Donna shot him the ugliest look anyone had ever seen on her youthful face, "No, I have not."
"Prove it." Kelso smugly teased.
Donna's eyebrows furrowed, "Look Hot-Shot when I lose my virginity, I'm losing it to a man, not some stupid tool."
"Like a vibrator." Kelso giggled.
"Like a Kelso." Donna corrected slyly.
Everyone 'oooohhhhhhed' and 'ooooooooed' while Hyde cracked a smirk, "Kelso, what was that?"
Kelso's jaw hung open, realizing slowly, "I got burned by a girl?"
Eric pointed at Kelso, shouting like a Kelso, "BURN!"
Eric's sudden remark caused everyone to bust out laughing- even Kelso himself. Fez then picked up a whistle, blowing it loudly. Kelso saw this and laughed harder, pointing at Fez, "There she blows! Or is it he?"
Hyde shook his head, "Fez, you look like yer giving a blow job…and it's not pretty."
Fez stopped, asking with intrigue, "What is blow job?"
Before anyone could answer, Eric shot up in his seat, nervous as hell, "I forgot!" He turned toward everyone, freaking out, "I have homework due tomorrow! What am I gonna do?! I can't tell my teachers I spent all afternoon chasin' a giant hot dog around town!"
Hyde added conveniently, "And it's late. Don't forget how worried yer folks are gonna be."
Eric collapsed back into his seat, letting out a heave, "Mom! And-and-and DAD!"
Donna placed an arm around him, stroking his shoulder soothingly as she calmly told him, "It's okay, Eric. Take a few deep breaths and relax. I did my homework in Study Hall. We have all the same teachers, so I can just let you copy all of my answers- okay?"
"But that's cheating!" Eric twitched, "And it's wrong!"
Donna shrugged, casually scooting closer to Eric in such a way that made him more nervous. And in a slender voice she told him, "I think it's right."
Kelso agreed, "Listen to 'er, Eric. She's third in our class! I'd take her answers and look at how she's offering them to you!"
As far as Jackie and Hyde were concerned, Donna pressing herself up to Eric was positively sickening, but to Eric it was like a dream. He swallowed hard before asking her, "Will…will you sit with me at lunch?"
Donna smiled as if he just gave her Niagara Falls, "I'd love to."
Jackie sucked in her breath, "Holy crap!" She then teased, "It's serious guys! They're eating lunch together now!"
"Can I go?" Fez asked.
Kelso nodded, "Yeah, me too! I wanna go."
Hyde sarcastically smiled, "Yeah! Let's all eat lunch together! Yay!"
And Eric turned back to his friends, smiling, "And break High School Laws? I'm in if you guys are in and willing to piss off a bunch of preps, jocks and bullies."
To everyone's surprise, it was Jackie who grinned, "Let's do it!"
::::::
The Next Day, at Point Place High:
The Cafeteria:
Eric was fidgeting by the doors of the cafeteria, not yet ready to enter. His friends and him made a pact the night before to 'clique mix' as Jackie called it, but was he the only one who remembered?
He hadn't seen Donna all day! Yes, they had the same teachers, but had them in different class periods. And the only two classes they had together in the day were both after lunch. And Kelso and Hyde didn't even bring it up. Both of them were too busy cracking dirty jokes and discussing 'Barb's' boobs. Eric didn't even know a Barb! Unless she was that Senior with big boobs.
And he had no contact with Jackie because she never wanted to be seen with him in school because he was a nerd and Fez was doing stuff that Fez does. As far as Eric was concerned, he was alone.
"Are you hiding?"
Eric spun around to see Donna standing right behind him; her backpack slung over one shoulder while her lips and eyes bubbled with amusement. Being Eric, he twitched nervously, "D-Donna! What-what-what-"
"We're all sitting together at lunch." She told him calmly, "Or did you forget?"
Eric shook his head madly, "No-no! I remembered, I was just assuming everyone else…forgot."
She nodded, then leaned against the wall. She asked him curiously, "Teachers accept your homework?"
Eric also nodded and tried to mimic her and also leaned against the wall, "Yeah, no questions asked."
She smirked, "Toldja it was easier to copy."
"But I won't make it a habit!" He threw in quickly.
Her smirk was growing, "I know, Eric. You're as clean as your mother's bath towels."
He didn't know what she meant by that.
He asked timidly, "Is-is that a compliment?"
"It's whatever you want it to be." She stated simply.
He hated it when she was so crafty with her words and meanings like that. He gulped, feeling himself sliding from the wall he was leaning against, "So…how are you?"
She cut him off, "Were your parents upset I took you home so late?"
Eric shrugged, "My mom was worried- the usual, and my dad was pissed-the usual. They sat me in the kitchen and talked to me like I was four." He looked up at her suddenly, deciding to stand instead of leaning, "Do your parents do that with you?"
She ignored his question, telling him, "Your parents do that to you because they love you."
Eric repeated his question, for some reason seeking an answer, "Do your parents do that with you?"
After a long pause, she admitted, "…..No. But my parents aren't yours. They show me that they love me in different ways."
His curiosity got the better of him, "Different as in how?"
"Different as in different, Eric." On that note she stood up straight too, motioning toward the double doors of the cafeteria, "Wanna go in now or stick around here for the others?"
"Yeah." He nodded his head up and down in an exaggerated manner before blurting, "How do you know about vibrators?"
He couldn't believe he asked her the million dollar question that had been bothering him all night long. And, from the look on her face, she couldn't believe he asked it point blank and bluntly either.
"Um…what?!"
His response came out much more sternly than he expected, "How do you know?"
Her tone was shocked, "We're gonna talk about this at school? Right in front of the cafeteria where everyone can hear? Are you kidding me?!"
"Donna, I'm sorry but…I know we're just friends- best friends- but it's just…it's just…" He couldn't look her in the eye out of sheer embarrassment. He wasn't her boyfriend and it was in 4th grade when she updated his status from 'regular friend' to 'best friend'. He wasn't her keeper, he wasn't much of a protector, he wasn't much of anything in regards to her, or so he felt, so why was this little fact about her knowing about vibrators bothering him so much? He let his sentence die off. He then looked up, avoiding her cool gaze and said sadly, "I guess we'll be sitting at our regular tables after all. So, I'll be seeing you-"
He was trying to walk passed her, but she wasn't going to let him skate away that easy. With every step he took, she deliberately stood in his way. After Eric took three steps around Donna, which she blocked successfully, he just stopped. She stopped. And then she told him in her 'superior' tone which he heard her only use with her parents, "It's my life and I don't appreciate you poking and prodding through it. If I do things you don't agree with, you can tell me, but all because you do doesn't mean I'm going to drop everything and change. I won't, Eric. Not for you or any other man. I'll simply take what you say under consideration, and I only do that with those whose opinions I hold dear."
"Under consideration?" Eric sniffed, "Doesn't seem like you hold anyone dear, Donna."
With burning eyes she stood straight as an arrow, towering over him. She strained her voice so that she sounded more self-assured than what she truly was, "I do, and if I seem so cold to you than you obviously don't know me which is a real shame considering we've both known each other since we were children and were raised side-by-side."
His spirit just wouldn't be outdone and he too stood tall so that their eyes intensely met, "Why're you so unattached? What are you so scared about?"
"I'm not scared of anything." She tried to confidently say.
He felt silly saying it, but he found himself harshly whispering, "Then answer my question about the vibrators!"
"Geez!" They heard a familiar voice laugh, "If you two get any closer, yer gonna kiss!"
Eric and Donna quickly took a step away from one another at the same time as Kelso approached them jollily. He slapped both of their shoulders, grinning, "Clique Mix! Sounds like Chex Mix, but deals with cliques! So, you guys excited? Them preps are gonna be so pissed! Me and Hyde've been talkin' about it, and we think Shelly and Leslie might come over and start a brawl with Jackie since she's a cheerleader and contributing to our mix thing and all. Would be a nice cat fight, right? Jackie vs. Leslie and Shelly….oh! Oh! I got a great idea- Donna, you could join in and stuff! That would be so cool!"
Donna only rolled her eyes. Kelso was always trying to get her in cat-fight or a wet T-shirt contest nowadays.
The overgrown kid then pointed toward the cafeteria doors, "You guys comin'?"
"We'll be right there, Kelso." Eric told him, Donna agreeing speedily, "Yeah, we're coming."
Kelso fist pumped the air, trotting into the cafeteria and disappearing in the lunch line, "Sweet!"
The two of them watched their friend mingle with the other kids, and while they were both staring at him, Donna sighed, "If you must know the disturbing truth, it's my mom."
Eric turned toward her- astounded she was sharing anything with him, especially after that awkward moment before Kelso interrupted them.
Donna continued, "Once Upon A Time…I went into my parent's room to look for my jeans my mother enjoyed stealing from me; she said it made her feel young and stuff to wear 'em. Anyway, while I was there my mom came in from my parent's personal bathroom…with a vibrator."
He was speechless and the only sound he could make was, "ughb…blon, jolkknm…"
Donna recollected, "She didn't even try to hide it. She just said that she felt lonesome because my dad was at work all the time and she needed her urges to be tended to. She then asked if I started having sex because if I did, she was willing to buy me a vibrator. I was fourteen and I ran out of their room throwing up. And as I ran out of the house, she asked me to stop by the pharmacy and buy lotion and lubricants for her and my dad so they could have 'fun' when he got home."
"That's how you know how they look…" He swallowed hard.
"That's how."
"I'm so sorry, Donna." Eric started, "I didn't mean to make you relive that horror. I-"
She stopped him, "It's fine, Eric. With my parents, I relive horrors on a daily basis."
She tried to push out her parents as far from her mind as she could. Reaching down, she tugged at his hand, "Let's go find Kelso before he sets the cafeteria on fire." But all he could do was look down. The way she reached down for his hand, their fingers were intertwined; his palms were touching her palms and becoming sweaty because of it. He tried not to choke on the numbness in his throat as he croaked, "We-we're holding….hands." He then felt his cheeks rush with redness while his chest and stomach swelled with butterflies.
She gently tugged on his hand, leading him into the cafeteria, "Use those skinny legs Eric, and follow me."
He did.
In front of everyone, they walked inside the cafeteria hand in hand. All the kids were stunned by such a gesture, and all the nerds at their table nearly keeled over. Lonnie was emptying the contents of his lunch when he saw Eric. He grabbed Peter, squealing excitedly, "Do you see it!? The unknown nerd was right!" Lonnie then yelled, "Do you see it?! We're witnessing a miracle!"
On the other side of the cafeteria, Shelly was snarling to Kat Peterson, "We're witnessing a monstrosity. Her? With him?" She then turned toward Kat, "Isn't she a Lesbian?"
"Feminist." Kat corrected.
Shelly snarled, "It's the same thing! They're all man-haters!"
Kat smirked at the other blond girl, "You like the scrawny, little one, don't you?"
Shelly narrowed her brown eyes, "Where the hell did you get that?"
Kat chuckled, "You tried to get him jealous by making out with Buddy Morgan."
Shelly shrieked, "Well, who're you to talk!? You like the burnout!"
Kat slapped Shelly across the face, and in a huff retreated the area.
Meanwhile Eric and Donna took their seats at a lunch table. And then Fez joined them, very upset.
"Fez?" Eric asked him gently, "Are you okay?"
"No I am not!" Fez puffed, "I caught Carmela peeing on another boy, staking her claim for him! She was supposed to be with me! So, now I see how dis is! Carmela and I are over before we even started!"
"Just as well," Donna reassured him, "She pees on anything, Fez. Last year I heard she pissed all over some graduated cylinders."
Fez glumly nodded. While they took out their sack lunches, Kelso and Jackie walked over with their trays. Before she sat down, Jackie explained that she could only sit with them once a week because she needed to spend time with her popular friends. And then she chirped, "But after this little stunt, I will be a whole lot more popular compared to any of them-combined!"
As they took their seats, Hyde slugged his way over. He sat next to Eric, laying his head on the table. Eric immediately noticed Hyde didn't have any food of any kind, so he offered him his blueberry muffin, saying, "I-I don't care for blueberry. Want it?"
Hyde wasn't stupid. He knew what Forman was doing…but it didn't keep him from appreciating his friend. Hyde looked him over before taking it, mumbling a "Thanks."
And then Eric smiled at his friends, noting mentally everyone in the cafeteria was staring at their table, "So…what're we gonna do in the basement today, guys?"
*Side-Note* For me at least, High School was very similar to this. So, I dunno...