Disclaimer: I don't own That '70s Show.

The Thing with Five Heads and No Brains

February 7th, 1976

They were all in the basement, even Jackie.

"I am so bored." Fez muttered.

And he wasn't the only one. Hyde, with his aviators on, sat in his usual chair just to stare blandly at Hogan's Heroes. Fez was slouching in the couch, playing thumb war by himself, growing upset that he never won but always did. Next to him was Eric, doing some math equations that Kitty gave him so that he could keep his mind sharp. Beside him was Donna, chewing bubble gum and finding herself falling asleep. On the other chair sat Kelso, coloring a coloring book while Jackie stood by the radio, changing stations every so often because they all played (in her opinion) "crappy rock stuff."

Kelso shrugged, "Well, I could tell a story that this coloring book inspired, but everyone will just make fun of-"

Fez almost jumped out of his seat, "Oh Good! Tell the story Kelso! We are doing nothing better!"

"I don't wanna hear this shit…" Hyde grumbled.

"Too bad! You are not making any better suggestions, so be the quiet!" Fez snapped.

Everyone turned to look at them.

Hyde just starred at Fez with a completely bland look over his face.

Fez quickly added, ashamed that he yelled at his mentor, "I am so sorry Hyde. It's just my Caribbean blood."

"So you're from the Caribbean?" Eric concluded.

"No, it is just a saying in my country." Fez informed.

"Well," Donna interrupted, "I for one am not rushing to hear this stuff, but I am super bored- so go for it, Kelso."

"Sweet!" Kelso smiled.

Everyone quieted down, even Jackie moved slightly closer to hear Kelso's crazy tale. Michael Kelso cleared his voice before and dropped it for the first part if his story:

"Once Upon a Time, there was a beautiful princess. Her name was Pam Macy."

"You better change that, Michael!" Jackie screeched while everyone smiled.

"Okay, okay." Kelso quickly agreed so that his girlfriend could shut up, "The princess was called Farrah Faucet."

"Michael!" Jackie shrieked, this time everyone was attacked by a fit of giggles.

"Hey, I like this story." Hyde nodded, smirking.

"Told you." Fez chuckled.

"Fine!" Kelso groaned, "Her name was Jackie! Anyway, the princess was very curious. She had heard a legend from the local townsfolk and presents-"

"Um, don't you mean peasants?" Donna butted in.

"No Donna!" Kelso rolled his eyes, "Presents! They're the poor people that gots no say and the mean bitchy princess has complete control over!" Kelso then continued, "Anyway, the townsfolk and presents told a legend that every fifteen years a beast with five heads and no brains comes to the valley- to kill!"

He waited for everyone's reaction. No one really cared.

He shook off his bad pause, "Just then, a beautiful prince from a neighboring kingdom came to visit the princess. His name was Kelso. After him and the princess had sex in the dungeon, and the mess hall, and seven out of two hundred fifty three bedrooms, the high tower and the lagoon, they decided to get down to business!"

"Wow. The princess is a whore." Donna commented, lazily looking at Jackie.

"That is so not true!" Jackie cried, "Michael and I haven't even had sex yet!"

"Hey, the prince needs some action!" Kelso bellowed.

"Isn't that what the adventure is for?" Eric quipped.

"Whatever, anyway," Kelso again continued, "Only four of the local townspeople were brave enough to face the creature! There was the local idiot called Hyde! There was the man from another land named Fez! There was the useless tailor known as Eric! And last but not least, the redheaded Madame that was in charge of all the prostitutes!"

"You hear that Jackie?" Donna smiled, "I'm in charge of you!"

"Ugh! I choose Steven to defend my kingdom." Jackie screamed in frustration.

"No!" Kelso shook his head, "You choose the prince! The prince and the four defend the kingdom on this epic voyage through time and space-"

"I still choose Steven."

"What just happened?" Hyde leaned in, just now paying attention.

"I do not know, but if Donna is really in charge of prostitutes- may I have one next Friday?" Fez asked, smiling politely at Donna.

"I want Steven to defend my kingdom! He's the only well-equipped one! The rest of you are morons. Like, Eric is a twig, Fez is foreign, Donna's a bitch, and Michael- I love you- but you're not exactly a genius."

"Since when did you need brains to be in a fight?" Kelso screeched.

"Since I wanted to preserve my kingdom, prince." Jackie nodded as if this was a real-life situation.

"Who's the prince?" Hyde asked, completely confused.

"Kelso." Donna giggled.

"So yer a princess now, Kelso?" Hyde smirked, cocking his head back.

"I am not…! Whatever." Kelso mumbled under his breath, "Apparently the princess chose the local idiot-"

"What a coincidence! In real life Jackie did the same thing." Hyde nodded, referring to the fact the heiress was dating Kelso.

"The princess chose the local idiot and knighted him." Kelso painfully ignored Hyde, "She then sent him off on his voyage. He was armed with only a stick, a donkey and a kiss."

"Damn Jackie. You're cheap! You could've at least armed Hyde with a sword!" Fez interjected.

"He had a sword too, Michael." Jackie instructed Kelso.

Kelso groaned. This was supposed to be his story, but everybody kept changing it! In agitation he sighed, "Okay. He also had a sword! Anyway- again- he rode on his donkey for three days and nights until he came upon the creature with five heads and no brains! The thing was big and purple and had yellow poke-a-dots and was an alien from the 5th dimension! "

"Kelso, that doesn't make any sense!" Eric interrupted.

"Too bad!" Kelso shot back. He wasn't changing his story any more. "So the thing tried to kill the white knight… and it did. Hyde died. So now, word got back to the kingdom of his death so the princess chose her prince to defend her-"

"You killed my knight?" Jackie screamed, "No way! Steven slays the monster and we all have a parade. The End."

"Nuh!" Kelso shook his head in horror, "This is my story! I wanted to slay the monster!"

"I liked yer story, Kelso." Fez told the handsome boy, trying to make him feel better.

"Look Jackie, slaying monsters isn't exactly my forte. Maybe Kelso should kill the stupid thing." Hyde admitted, trying to cheer up a sad Kelso.

Jackie briefly considered it. Just as she was about to announce her decision, Red came in from the basement steps. "What the hell are you morons doing now?" He barked.

"Telling a story about the thing with five heads and no brain!" Fez cheerfully chirped.

"Well you don't have to look far for that." Red cruelly smiled.

He pointed at Hyde, "One Head."

He pointed at his own son, Eric, "Two Heads."

He pointed at the redhead, "Three Heads."

He pointed at the foreigner, "Four Heads."

And lastly he pointed at the brunette princess, "Five Heads."

He then gestured at Kelso, "And no brains."

The gang sat in stupor as Red continued, "Now go home before Kelso has a new story about the epic journey my foot took through time and space to kick all of your asses!"