A Valentine's Day Story Part II
February 14th, 1976
She had spent most of the afternoon preparing for her magical evening between her and Michael. She curled her hair, worked on her dress for the better part of two hours, freshly painted her nails and so forth.
She hadn't noticed, but from afar her mother would peer over her glass of Vodka to watch her shuffle around the house nervously, the rollers flying off her hair every now and then.
And finally, after what felt like forever, Jackie Burkhart was ready for her night out on the town her beautiful prince. And, for the first time in five years, he had arrived right on time. After he parked his father's car, he hopped out and maturely bowed to her. He looked so gorgeous. His thin body filled out his black tux to make him look at least three years older than what he truly was. And yet, his dark eyes and youthful face betrayed his true age.
He skipped over to her, a candy shaped heart in one hand and a bouquet of red roses in the other. He handed both to her simultaneously, smiling at her as if she were the only one in the world for him, "Jackie, you look really good."
Of course she did. She had spent hours trying to get the combination of this baby blue dress and navy blue lace to be just right. She had searched two malls looking for the perfect pair of heels that matched this dress. Her hair alone was a full job, one she took great pains in getting just right. And she thought it worked, after all, she had modeled her look for this evening after Cinderella.
She smiled at him, "You should see what I'm working on for Prom. It's a Lavender Victorian Inspired knock-out."
He kept smiling at her.
She took the flowers and the candy. She loved the flowers, but Michael should have known that she was particular about what she ate. But still, the candy was a sweet gesture. She led him inside her home, placing the roses in a vase as she went along. And he was right behind her, "Hey Jackie, you should quit feeding your house!"
She set the candy next to her roses as she looked at him in confusion.
Kelso then chuckled, "'Cause every time I see it, it grows an extra floor!"
She giggled a little, her chest feeling oddly light.
He then showed off his suit to her, "Like it? It's my brother's old one. But he won't be needing it, he's in the Army y'know, and I doubt he'll have much time for ballroom dancin'!"
She walked over to him, her fingers tracing the outline of his arms, "You look very nice, Michael." She could feel him tense up under her touch, his brown eyes having a certain look in them that she wasn't too familiar with.
Without warning, he leaned down and took her in his arms. Slowly his lips gave her one of the best kisses she ever had. He then pulled back slightly, the tip of his nose so close to hers as he whispered, "I really wanted to do that. I mean, you do look really good."
Her eyes felt heavy. Her arms crawled up to the back of his neck as she leaned into him, "Kiss me again, Michael."
Her sentence wasn't demanding (as usual). Instead it was so delicate, like a shy request. He could feel confidence overtaking him as he nodded, his own eyes lowering under the intoxication of her beauty, "Okay."
But just as his craving lips were to touch her pouting ones, they heard a voice chime in, "Can we please get a move on? We are going to miss da movie at dis rate!"
Jackie's eyes snapped open. She pulled away from Kelso only to realize Fez was standing by the edge of her doorway with folded arms and a tight expression. He was all dressed up, but where was he going?
Jackie had to wait a second for her head to float back onto her shoulders as she swallowed, "You're the foreign kid. Why are you here?" She then saw Kelso rub the back of his head awkwardly. She narrowed her eyes at him, "Michael, why is the foreign exchange student at my front door on Valentine's Day?"
Kelso started to fidget, "Uh, well, you see-"
Fez smiled, "I am going on your date."
Jackie's eyes almost popped out of her skull, "WHAT?!"
:::::
Eric was on his way over to Donna's when he noticed her and Hyde across the street in Mrs. Papadakos's yard. Under the street lamp, the two looked a lot like a silhouette. Eric just stopped, staring at how close they were, something he never saw (or at least let himself see) before. He watched them as they walked off, the direction of Hyde's house.
Hyde himself never let him or Kelso go over, but he could certainly make room for Donna, huh?
In a fit Eric threw his flowers at his mother's small garden in the front yard. Feeling rejected, he angry marched inside. Only, when he reached the living room, he found his parents entertaining the Pinciotti's- though it could have easily been the other way around.
The neighbors were dressed in matching cowboy outfits, with Bob going over to Eric joyfully, "Hey there, Hi there, Ho there, little skipper!" Eric's eyes blandly stared at the shorter man while Bob pinched Eric's cheek, "I see you're all dressed up! You going on a special date, little guy?"
Eric didn't answer.
His mother explained quickly, "You see Eric, Bob and Midge came in the second you left. You didn't get a chance to properly greet them so, so you probably should now. They are our guests."
Eric swallowed the lump in his throat, painting a smile on his face, "Hello. Happy Valentine's."
Both Bob and Midge smiled at him, smiles that might as well have been directed at a wall.
:::::
Hyde didn't have a home so much as a house. And technically it wasn't his, it was rented. And it wasn't much of a house anyways.
Hyde showed her around by pointing to one room, "That's the kitchen." He pointed to another, "Ma's room." And then to what she thought was a walk-in closet, "And that's my room." He then pointed at the floor, "And this is the dying room."
"Dying room?"
"Well," He shrugged, "Me and ma, see, people like us don' do much living as most people do. So, with respect to that, why would we have a living room?"
Donna nodded, "Makes sense."
Hyde sat on the couch. What caught her attention was the pink blanket that covered it. She asked him, "Any particular reason for the sheet?"
Hyde shrugged, hiding his shame as he cleared his voice, "Uh, yeah. It's covering the hole. In fact," He stood up, offering his space on the couch, "If you wanna sit, you can sit here. It's the good spot. There's no hole or anything, just a little worn out."
She shook her head.
After a silent moment Hyde told her, "Ma's out tonight. Probably looking for a guy to latch onto."
"Because it's Valentine's Day?"
"Uh…sure. Yeah, we'll go with that."
She didn't really know why she was here. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but then again most bad ideas seem good until later reflection.
Hyde sensed her awkwardness and he pointed to 'the kitchen', "Wanna beer or something?"
"Uh, no. No, thanks."
"Um, want something to eat? I'm sure I can find a bag of Cheetos somewhere."
"That's okay."
Hyde fumbled with his jacket pockets, his mind searching for something to say.
"You look nice."
She looked down, telling him, "You too."
Both of them stood around, neither of them looking at quite at each other. Hyde then pointed outside, "Wanna walk? Like, I know it's a rough neighborhood, but if yer with me then no one'll give you trouble."
"Um, okay. It's a nice night and all, so why not?"
He went over to his screen door and held it open for her like a polite little gentleman. As soon as she was on the porch, he let the door slam against the house. It could be heard creaking from every direction. Hyde gestured for her to follow him, but she stopped short, "Um, Hyde? Don't you have to lock up your house or something?"
He shook his head, "Why? Me and Ma, we got nothing worth stealing."
:::::
"Here, here! Me and my party of three would like to celebrate the night so can you please send us a bottle of your finest punch?"
Jackie groaned, "Michael, there's no such thing as a bottle of punch."
Kelso explained, "Yeah but wine's too expensive."
Fez pointed out, "Why are you ordering? We are not even at a table."
Kelso, sandwiched between Jackie and Fez in the lobby of The Lionshead, sat in a small pew along with his friends. Jackie narrowed her eyes at her bumbling boyfriend as he explained to Fez, "I'm practicing for when we do get at a table!"
Fez nodded, "Ah, I see. We are pretending again, no?"
Jackie couldn't stand to look at Kelso anymore. With arms folded and a tapping foot, she turned her head away from him, hissing, "I cannot believe you didn't even get a reservation."
Kelso admitted, "Well, I knew it was fancy but I didn't know it was high-class."
As soon as he said that, a nice-looking young man came up to his girlfriend, "Excuse me, miss? You couldn't possibly be with anyone, for I'm sure they would've gotten a reservation for the prettiest girl in the room."
Jackie turned on her usual charm, giggling, "Why, thank you! And you are?"
The young man smiled, extending his hand, "Tom. Good to meet you."
Jackie extended a dainty hand, smiling, "Charmed."
Kelso stood up, intimidating the smaller male, "Hey Tom! Back off! The lady's with me!"
Fez stood up by Kelso, "And me!"
Tom seemed confused as Kelso clarified, "Uh, well both of us!"
The young man looked over at Jackie for an explanation. She just told him the truth, "The tall idiot is my date and the foreigner is his date."
Tom seemed even more confused. He then gestured back to his party of friends, "Know what? I'll just go back and leave you three alone." He practically ran back to his friends.
Jackie snapped at both of them, "Will you two sit down?"
Kelso was floored, "Why are you getting after me?! Yer the one flirting with Tom!"
Fez crossed his arms, giving Jackie a disapproving look, "Aye Jackie, what is it? Two attractive men as your Valentine's dates are not enough? You want three? Is dat it?"
Kelso gestured at Fez, "And that guy is nowhere near as good looking as me or as classy as Fez!"
Fez added, "He reminded me of a snake."
Jackie groaned, "Agh! Sit down! I'm not explaining myself to you or your sidekick!"
Kelso and Fez sat down, but Kelso wasn't through, "Jackie, we have a loving, happy relationship! So stop flirting with guys and be happy with me!"
"I would if it was just you! But no, you just had to invite some guy whose name I don't even know!"
"Oh. I am Fez."
Jackie shrieked, "I don't care! You're ruining my Valentine's!"
Fez placed his hands on his hips, getting huffy, "Actually, I am da one paying for your plate, so I do believe you should at least be a little nice to me."
Kelso could feel himself already cringing.
Coldly, Jackie turned toward her boyfriend, screeching, "WHAT?!"
:::::
"Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow!", Eric bitterly quoted as he stood in his driveway, dribbling a basketball.
Eric threw the basketball straight at the basket, angrily murmuring, "More like she bolted the first chance she got! I bet she didn't feel any sorrow at all." He grabbed the basketball, dribbling madly, "She practically skipped away with my best friend, leaving me with the bag!" Eric threw the basketball at the net again, screaming, "After I learned Shakespeare!" He then shouted at the heavens, "Do you know how hard it is to learn Romeo and Juliet in hours!"
He then stood perfectly straight, making like he was talking to someone else, "Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?" He then banged the basketball at the concrete, screaming again, "She basically flipped me the finger!"
Kitty came outside of the sliding door, rubbing her shoulders together for warmth, "Eric, what are you doing? Your father and I are trying to have a decent conversation with the Pinciotti's and all we can hear is you screaming!"
Eric nodded, his voice breaking, "You are trying to have a decent conversation with them? Ha! Well, Donna won't even look at me!" He then stepped a few feet back into the driveway and then pointed at both his home and Donna's, "A plague o' both your houses! Zounds, a dog, a rat, a mouse, a cat to scratch a man to death!"
Kitty's eyes scrunched, trying to figure him out as Eric took a moment before realizing, "Crap. I just plagued my own house."
Kitty went over to him, "Oh honey, I know things look bleak now, but you need to remember one important thing."
Eric shrugged, looking down, "I know, I know. You love me."
"Well that too," Kitty nodded, "But I was going to suggest you be quiet. Her parents are right inside." Eric groaned before Kitty jumped to kiss his cheek, "Now don't you worry, if you and Donna are meant to be together, you will be."
As she hurried back inside, Eric sighed. He then looked up at the Pinciotti's house. A surge of anger filled him as his grip suddenly tightened around the basketball. He then ran toward the gate and threw the ball at the house with as much force as he could possibly muster.
He had never felt better in his life.
Until he heard the sound of glass breaking.
Immediately his smile was replaced with a hanging frown. He then ran over to the Pinciotti's , cursing himself under his breath. He unlocked their gate, something he'd been doing since he was thirteen years old. As soon as he did, he made a short jog over to the backyard. He nearly fainted when he saw Midge's Greek statue of Apollo cut up all into pieces, each limb stabbing Bob's Petunia garden.
Eric sucked in his breath, his arms tingling in guilt, "Oh no."
:::::
"So, how have things been with you and Edna?"
Hyde let out a short, sarcastic laugh. He then looked at the girl who was walking beside him. He shrugged, "As long as I don't get in her way, things are simply peachy."
Donna looked up, noticing the stars, "Eric has a thing for stars."
"How do you know?"
"When we were younger, he used to tell me that he'd take me up on his homemade rocket ship with him. Remember, it was only three cardboard boxes and a cut-out window, but it was his."
Hyde thought back, smiling, "Oh yeah. One Christmas me and Kelso accidently busted it when I dared him to jump off the Forman's roof."
Donna looked down at the road, remembering, "Yeah. Eric was real upset about that."
"Why did he care for that thing, anyway?"
"He was in his Star Trek phase." She then pushed her hair back, admitting, "Between you and me, I hope he doesn't get all science-fiction geekie again; it took a lot for me not to tell him to shut up."
Hyde reminisced, "He did talk a lot about Star Trek, didn't he?"
Donna started, "Yeah, well let's just be glad that phase is over."
Hyde nodded, taking her by the shoulders, "Speaking of phases-"
Donna gave him an uncomfortable look, "What're you doing?"
"Donna, there's something I need to tell you."
Donna's lips twisted as she worked her way out of Hyde's grasp. She then awkwardly skipped toward someone's mailbox, saying, "Did you hear Kat Peterson singing for the Talent Show next week? I heard she wanted to do a West Side Story tune. Which one do you think she'll do?"
Hyde walked over to her quickly, licking his lips on this cold February night, "I don't care about her. Look, I've been giving this a lot of thought and-"
She started walking over to a park, sating speedily, "Maybe she'll do a Grease song instead."
"Donna, won't you listen to me?"
She turned around, looking him in the eye, "No. Because I have a bad feeling over whatever it is you're going to say, and if you say what I think you're going to then both of us are going to a hard time looking Eric in the eye."
"Both of us have been doing this little pitter-patter shit for so long and don't- don't you dare tell me it's all in my head! Do you like me?"
She looked down admitting, "I do, but…"
"But what?!"
"I like Eric more."
He wanted to scream. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to let it all out. Instead, he didn't do a thing. He then said emotionlessly, "Why him? Is it because he has a real family? Is it because he has an actual future? Why?"
She shrugged, looking down as she confessed, "I feel safe with him."
"And not me?"
"It's different with you."
He swallowed hard, his eyes glazing over to one side. He then let out a small laugh, "Oh man, you didn't think I meant it, did you?"
She blinked.
Hyde continued, as cool as usual, "I was just messing with you. You and Forman, I can see it. I just, I just wanted to make sure you really liked him and all."
Donna nodded, not quite believing him, "Oh. Okay."
He continued, backing away awkwardly, "'Cause, that's what friends are for- to have your back. And I had his, and no one can say I didn't."
"I didn't say that."
Overhead, they heard a loud siren. Both teenagers looked up, then around. Hyde instinctively bolted away, until Donna chased after him, shouting, "What're you doing!?"
He stopped, allowing her to catch up to him. As another siren joined it, Hyde found himself admitting, "Oh shit, I just…It's instinct, man. When I hear a siren, I just take off."
"Well you didn't do anything." She thought about it before adding, "This time. And besides, if you did, I'd back up your alibi."
He asked her quietly, wondering, "Why?" After everything he tried to do- why?
She told him, "Because we're friends, and that's what friends are for- to have your back."
He nodded, the tinges of guilt prickling his gut, "Right."
Then they heard more sirens pick up. Both of them looked around, Donna telling Hyde, "What do you think that's for?"
Hyde shook his head, "I dunno, but if we can make it to the Water Tower, we can see where those cops are heading off to."
"Then let's go."
They raced off toward the Water Tower which was less than a mile away.
:::::
"Jackie…"
"Hm."
"Jackie, c'mon."
"Hm."
"Jackie, speak to me!"
"Hm!" She then stuck her tongue out at him.
Kelso groaned, "Damn Jackie, we just got a table and all you can do is not even acknowledge me!"
"For what? I'm wining and dining on this guy's bill!"
Fez smiled proudly, "Let us wine and dine all night, baby!" He then noticed the entrees of tiny rolls of bread and their accompanied butter. Fez's eyes grew in sheer joy, "Look! Da butter looks like a tony flower!" He then turned toward Jackie, making a motion with his hand, "Be my beautiful flower."
Jackie rolled her eyes, turning her back to Fez. This made his face slump, "Or not."
Kelso leaned in to his girlfriend, "Now Jackie, I know things look bad, but you gotta hear me out!"
"You forgot, didn't you?"
He looked down, admitting, "Yeah, sorta."
She folded her arms across her chest, very upset with him, "Michael, just once- just once- I would like a date without some awful surprise attached to the end!"
Fez interjected, "Well, to be fair, da surprise came at da beginning this time."
Jackie groaned, and Kelso reached out to hold her hand. She didn't retract it, which he told himself was a good thing. He told her, "Look babe, there is no possible way this could get worse."
She looked over at him, "You would think so, right? But just you wait- it will."
Kelso shook his head, "No! I promise, the surprise fiesta is over! Now it's just you, and me,"
Fez noted, "and Me."
Kelso nodded while Jackie's face betrayed her disappointment, "Yeah, and him."
A waitress came, her pad in one hand and a tray of refreshments in the other. They all ordered their drinks, the whole time Jackie barely looking at either of her "dates." And then their waitress decided it was time to take their order. Jackie's prophecy came true:
Fez grinned from ear to ear, "Are you on the menu, my dear?"
Jackie started choking on her drink while Kelso hit Fez's arm, "Dude! What're you trying to do?!"
The waitress raised an eyebrow, telling Kelso, "You better keep an eye on your little pal, here. They have laws to protect working girls from his type."
Both Kelso and Jackie apologized until Fez continued, "You know my type, and I know yours. And I know you would like a good spanking, for me to teach you who ith boss."
The waitress cried out, "I beg your pardon!"
Fez winked, "So you like to beg, huh blondie?"
To shut him up, a shocked Jackie threw her drink at him. Unfortunately, since Kelso had tried to shut Fez's mouth with his hand, and the cherry coke landed right on Kelso's chest. Both he and Fez spilled out of their chairs backwards, granting a full-fledge audience by this time. Kelso shouted, scrambling to his feet, "This was a rental!" He then shouted at Jackie, "Damn Jackie, what the hell?!"
She stood up, pointing at Fez who was still on the ground, "Well you were the one who invited Desi Arnez Jr. you idiot!"
Kelso shouted, "Because you wanted an expensive date 'cause yer a little rich girl and yer used to nice things! Things I can never give you!"
Jackie sighed, trying to get ahold of her feelings of embarrassment and anger. She then looked up, telling him, "All I wanted was to spend time with you. It didn't have to be here, or at some four star hotel, I just wanted to be with you." She then gestured toward Fez, "Preferably without a third wheel." And then she gestured toward the customers who were all eyes and ears, "And without an audience!"
Kelso's mouth leaned one way, his eyes shutting in humiliation, "Boy did I spoil it."
Fez got to his feet, winking at the waitress, "When do you get off, my bombshell?"
The waitress slapped him straight across the face, demanding, "All of you- The Three's Company gang- GET OUT!"
They were about to leave before the waitress stopped Kelso, "But, not without paying for those drinks!"
Kelso shrugged glumly, "Look lady, I don't have any money-"
Fez stopped him, "I got dis buddy." Fez smiled at the waitress before digging into his pocket. He then pulled out nothing. He handed a precious handful of air toward the waitress, saying, "Keep da change my Golden haired Snow White."
The waitress was very unamused. She turned toward Jackie and Kelso, "This has got to be a joke."
Jackie glared at Fez, "Where's the money?!"
Fez explained, "Dis is America, we do not need money here. I thought we did, but my good friend Kelso here explained that in America, we use pretend money for our pretend food." While Kelso face-palmed, Fez slapped him over the back, "Right, my friend?"
Jackie asked him calmly, "So you have no money, like, real money?"
Fez shook his head happily, "I was going to take some, but Kelso talked me out of it."
Kelso could feel his mouth go dry as Jackie gave him the meanest stare a woman could give a man. Her wave of frigid calmness was over and she shouted at Kelso once more, "WHAT?!"
:::::::
He tried to tell himself it wasn't his basketball, but it was hard to argue that. His basketball was right in the center of the Petunia garden. Instinctively he grabbed the ball and tossed it over the red fence. He watched through a hole in the fence as it rolled over into his own backyard. He let out a short sigh of relief. Now he was just going to go back into his own house and pretend he had nothing to do with any of this. That was the plan.
Up until he saw his parents and Bob and Midge come out of the sliding door into the driveway.
Eric's heart nearly leaped out of his chest when he heard Midge say, "I thought I heard something, Kitty."
Eric ran back to the gate, but his hands were trembling so violently he found he couldn't open it. And then he heard Bob's voice, "Let's check on the house. Y'know, just to be on the safe side."
Eric's hands were shaking. He heard the Pinciotti's walk toward the gate and he was forced to run to the backyard again. He immediately grabbed a hollow rock they kept by the backdoor and grabbed the spare key. He let himself in; but he was so panicky, he forgot to close the door or put the key back.
In the darkness, he maneuvered his way to the living room, squatting and sucking in giant breaths.
And through the door, he heard Midge gasp, "My statue!"
And then Bob, "My garden!"
Followed by Midge again, "Bob! The door! Someone's broken in the house!"
And finished with Bob's, "Stand back, Midgie! If there's an intruder, I'll have to make my way to the study. That's where I keep the banjo!"
Maybe, maybe they wouldn't see him in the living room. And then he heard a cat's low hiss, "Rrrrrr."
Eric's eyes adjusted to the darkness, waiting for the inevitable.
"Rrrrrrr."
Soon, Bob and Midge were in the living room, Bob bravely leading the charge while Midge followed him. And then Midge turned on a lamp right next to Eric. As soon as she did, a black cat pounced on top of Eric's head, it's claws stabbing him as he screamed, "OOW!"
He whipped around and fell right on top of the lamp, busting it and engulfing the room in darkness once more. Midge screamed, "Bob! I think I saw him!"
Bob tried to find his wife, "Midge?! Are you alright?!"
"Yes! But I think I saw him! He has a cat on his head!"
In the darkness, Eric could feel the cat all over his face. He then pried it off while he heard Midge chant, "Get him, Mr. Bonkers! Get the intruder!"
Bob's voice boomed, "Who needs a dog when you have a watch-cat like Bonkers?"
Eric then darted toward the laundry area, trying not to trip on the cat who was flying between his legs. And Midge said it, "Bonkers is following him into the laundry room!"
Eric heard Bob shout, "After him!"
Eric flew upstairs, trying his best not to trip over the stairs. And right behind him were the Pinciotti's and their black cat. When he made it to the second story, he almost went into the master bedroom. He almost went into the hallway closet. He almost went into the hallway restroom. Instead, he went to the last room in the hall.
He shut the door, falling to the ground.
Behind him, through the door, he could feel the Pinciotti's gaining on him. Eric scrambled to his feet, his stomach in knots and his head banging. He wanted to know where he was- but he couldn't tell. So, he switched on the lights- he was in Donna's room.
He heard Bob's voice, "Midgie, check the cracks under the door! If the lights on- you can bet he's in there!"
"What about the cops, Bob?"
"We'll call them as soon as we get this rat!"
Eric switched off the lights, flying toward the window. But as much as he tried, the blasted ting wouldn't open. He then felt the top of it, and he couldn't believe it- there was a miniature lock on it. He yelped, "Are you kidding me?!"
He did his best to think back- where would Donna put the key?
Immediately he bolted for the nightstand, tearing apart the drawers and feeling its contents in the darkness. He heard Bob and Midge getting closer. He jumped over the bed and straight to the desk. He must have rummaged through every drawer, growing more and more frantic. They were getting closer. He then maneuvered his way toward another set of drawer's right by the bedroom door. He opened the first two drawers, in a full fledge panic. His hands could feel the fabric of her clothes- but no key. And then, the door swung open.
Eric froze.
Bob switched on the light.
Midge was shocked.
And Mr. Bonkers moved passed them to jump on Donna's bed.
Eric gulped, "Uh…I-I can explain."
Bob's face slowly turned into full-on anger as his eyes dropped down to Eric's hands. Eric slowly followed his gaze to see that he his hands all entwined in his neighbor's underwear drawer. Eric then looked up to see Bob's angry brown eyes glaring dead at him.
Eric let out a breath, "On second thought, I plead the fifth."
Bob instructed his wife, "Midge, call the cops."
::::::
On top of the water tower, Donna and Hyde peered over the edges of branches to see the lights of at least five squad cars off in the distance. With their sirens screeching through the night air, a cool breeze blew past both of them. Both exchanged weak smiles, rubbing their sore hands against the pocket of their jeans. Hyde looked over at her, smirking, "Remember when we were kids? Climbing this damn thing was the easiest thing in the world."
"Now it just hurts our hands." She straightened up a bit, noting the soreness of her shoulder, "Damn, were getting old."
Hyde laughed, exhaling his hot breath over his hands, "Shit it's freezing up here." He stopped, then started into a slur of coughing. Donna quickly went over to him, asking, "Are you okay?"
He nodded, trying not to put too much pressure on the rails of the water tower, "Yeah. It's just that my hands smell like iron."
She gently took him by the shoulders, and both plopped themselves down, backs leaning against the water tower, feet sticking out. She told him, "We climbed at least eight stories. I'm surprised we didn't turn into popsicles on our way up."
He looked up, his blue eyes staring out into the lights of Point Place, "What unlucky SOB is getting the cops tonight?"
Donna shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe it's Timmy Higgins. I heard he likes to sneak into cheerleaders homes at night."
Hyde nodded, "Good guess. I was thinking Georgette Anderson. She tried selling me some misdemeanors behind gym."
Donna rolled her eyes, "Bitch told me I needed makeup, then tried to sell me lipstick."
Hyde smirked, wrapping his arm around his friend, "She knows her target market, that's for sure." She looked over at him, "Think it's Marcy Cavanaugh?"
"Why her?"
"I heard that she sells information about people."
"That's stupid."
Donna shrugged, "I never said it was truthful information."
Both watched the squad cars getting closer to the general direction of a certain neighborhood both were very familiar with. Neither mentioned it. Instead, Donna looked up, wonder out loud, "I'm so surprised they haven't vandalized this piece of crap yet."
Hyde laughed, "Oh we will."
She raised her eyebrow, "We?"
Hyde chuckled, a mischievous twinkle in his eye, "I've been talking it over with Kelso. We're thinking about tattooing a skull on it. Or maybe a 'peace' sign." Donna laughed, "You guys are insane." Hyde let himself smile right along with her, only for it dissolve when she asked, "Is Eric in on this too?" Hyde's mouth hung slightly ajar, as if confused as to why she brought him up.
"Uh, no. Forman isn't too keen on the 'having fun' aspect on life. He's more of a, oh how do I say this?" Before he could answer his own question cleverly, she did it for him, "He's a prune." He nodded, "Yeah. Boy's never done one bad thing in his life. Hell, if it was illegal to breath, he'd suffocate to death."
"But he could be a real daredevil if he wanted to, right?" She asked him, so hopefully.
Hyde turned away from her, really wishing he had a beer to down just to have an excuse not to answer her. She interrupted his thoughts, "Okay, so I know he's not the most risk taking guy in the universe, but I think that if I drop enough signals, he'll pursue me."
He sighed, "If you drop enough signals, a plane would land right on top of the basement; but Forman still wouldn't know to make the first move."
She reassured herself, "Well, I like him. And, according to Kelso, he likes me. So, I'll just follow the rules and wait patiently for him, the guy, to figure it out."
Hyde looked over at her, "Donna, I'm not sure yer gonna last that long. I mean, I'm speaking to a girl who almost threw a television set out a window because the commercial breaks were too long."
"Well those commercials were at least three minutes long! It's supposed to be ninety seconds, but no, those advertisers-" She stopped when she heard herself. She face palmed, groaning, "I'm gonna go crazy waiting for him."
Hyde smiled, squeezing her shoulder, "Just don't throw him out a window. They can charge you as adult for assault now."
When the sirens finally stopped, Donna and Hyde looked back out to the suburban infested neighborhoods that made up Point Place. Hyde tilted his head to one side, "Huh. That looks like the Forman's house."
"Or mine." Donna responded quietly. She immediately turned back to Hyde, "You don't think something's happened to Eric, right? Like, he's okay."
"Um, sure."
Her breath picked up, "Oh my God, it's my folks! They've done something-"
He stood up, helping her up as well, "You wanna go check it out?"
"Hyde, I have to!" She then shouted in panic, "What if I'm an orphan now because dad had to make his five cheeses recipe in the microwave or something!" They rushed over to the ladder only for them to hear the sirens again. Both Donna and Hyde stopped, and noticed something rather odd- the squad cars were leaving the Forman/ Pinciotti area and were speeding to the other side of town.
:::::
A tall, buff man in a black suit tossed Kelso and Fez onto the parking lot like a pair of ragdolls. Behind him was a tall woman, also wearing a black suit, grabbing Jackie's arm in the most painful grasp the young teen had ever felt. As the woman pushed Jackie out of the backdoor of The Lionshead, Jackie screeched, "I can't believe you had those gigantic claw hands on me! And you know what? You are damn lucky you let go! Yeah, do you know who my father is? Jack Burkhart! That's right bub! Yeah, I say 'bub' now!"
While Kelso and Fez got to their feet, the two in suits only rolled their eyes and locked the remaining three out of the building.
She snapped around, almost pushing Kelso back down again, "You idiot! I have never been so humiliated in my life! I was tossed out-"
Fez interrupted, "You were actually walked out. Michael Kelso and I were da ones who were tossed-" Jackie grabbed her purse so tightly her knuckles burned white. She then whacked Fez over the head, screaming, "And YOU! What possessed you to hit on our waitress?!"
Fez cried out, tripping over his own feet. Jackie got ahold of herself, but only long enough to throw her purse toward Kelso's general direction- missing him entirely. Fez then told her soberly, "I thought dat was how we pick up girls in America! I mean, you said it yourself-"
Jackie pointed at the restaurant, "I never said to go in there and get us ejected!"
"No," Fez responded, fiddling with his fingers, "You said back in da basement that there were three types of hair colors. Red, Blond and Brunette. You said that blondes were slutty and our waitress was blond so I just assumed-" Jackie's face fell, "I never said that!"
Fez got up, dusting himself off, "Yes you did. You told me and Edic that stereotypes are real-"
Jackie held up her hands trying to stop him, "No, stereotypes are not real!"
Kelso gave her a puzzled look, "But you recite them every day to me!" He then told Fez, "You should hear what she has to say about fat girls."
Jackie's mouth hung open, her mind battling itself as she tried to explain, "Look, some stereotypes are real, and I believe in them-"
Fez interrupted, "But you said they weren't."
She threw her hands in the air, "Well, are not real-"
Her boyfriend shrugged, "Babe, which is it? Either they're real or they're not."
Jackie raised her hands, ordering the boys to, "Stop it! Okay, just-just give me a second to think, okay?" The boys silenced themselves and allowed Jackie to get her thoughts in order. Finally, she told them, "Stereotypes are just generalizations about people that…that are-" She couldn't quite finish her sentence when she noticed Fez's big, dark, innocent eyes on her. He was hanging on every word she said, and would take it for granted that it was truth. It wouldn't matter if it was right or wrong, because that is how much he paid attention to her.
She let out a breath, "Fez, I was wrong. Stereotypes are bad. And I guess, I guess I'll just have to change a few viewpoints in my life in regards to them."
Fez's face fell, "So blondes are not da ones who have more fun?"
Letting out a breath she informed him, "To be fair, most girls are the ones who want fun."
Fez's face lit up again, his eyes dancing in happiness, "Really? All girls, huh?" He then extended his arms as if he was hugging the universe, and shouted straight to the heavens, "You hear dat?! Business is open to all ladies who want a piece of Fez!"
Kelso stared at him, laughing. Meanwhile, Jackie was having second thoughts on the topic of Fez, telling her boyfriend, "Michael, I think we unleashed something terrible tonight." Kelso laughed, "It's not too bad."
Fez sashayed his way over to Jackie, kissing her hand like a gentleman but smiled at her like a bad boy, "You know I like brunettes, right?"
Instinctively, Jackie lied, "I'm deaf."
Fez's smile grew, "No matter. Fez has no discriminations, for you see, Fez loves all women."
Uncomfortably, Jackie turned to her boyfriend who was no longer laughing. He then told Fez, "Dude, getcher hands off my girl!" Fez kissed Jackie's hand again. Kelso then grabbed his coat, shoving him into a pair of tin trashcans, shouting, "I told you to let her go!" Fez jumped to his feet, "No! You defile the honor of Fez! I shall fight you to bitter death!" Kelso lunged toward him, "Or until you cry 'uncle'!"
Jackie jumped between them, screaming, "Stop! Stop it this instant!"
Fez wrapped his arms around her waist, saying loudly, "Do not worry for me, my darling! For our love shall never die!"
This time it was Kelso shouting, "Love? WHAT?!"
:::::::
Red's hand slammed Eric's shoulder down, pressing his thin son in the seat at the Forman Family's breakfast table. Eric tried to explain, "I didn't know it was her underwear drawer, I swear! I was just looking for the key to open her window and-"
Red pointed at him, his face matching his name, "You! Be quiet!"
Kitty, in the background, cleaning the counters furiously could only say in a high pitched voice, "How are we going to explain this to the neighbors?" She looked up, fidgeting with her yellow cleaning gloves before finally slamming the pinesol on the stove and just throwing her gloves every which way in the kitchen, "How can I explain this to the LOPPs?"
Red groaned over his shoulder, "Who the hell is talking about lollipops?"
Kitty marched toward him, reminding, "Red, the LOPPs, are the Ladies Of Point Place! Once they find out that that my baby boy has been thrown in for prison for-for-" She couldn't bring herself to say it. She just nodded, "Oh, you know what for! They'll blacklist this family! No one will speak to us for years!"
Red raised his eyebrow, somewhat pleased by the side effect, "Really?"
Bob and Midge entered through the side door, both appearing very upset. Neither Red and Kitty could face them and simply looked away. Eric chose to look at his hands. But Bob was making sure that all three Forman's were going to hear him out whether or not they were looking at him or not. With one chubby finger he pointed at Eric accusingly, "Now Red, when the police come, I'm throwing the book at this teenage poking Tom!"
Kitty just had to correct, "Peeking Tom."
Bob, sweat beading down his puffed face, "Doesn't matter because his peeking and poking days ends tonight!" Midge nodded her approval.
Eric looked up trying to object, "It was a giant accident!"
Bob said powerfully, "And I will make sure Donna knows of this!"
Midge kept nodding.
Eric's eyes widened in horror, "NO!"
"Don't you tell me what to do, Perky Tom!" Bob continued, "And another thing, I don't want Donna hanging around here no more!"
Eric jumped up, "NO!"
Red raised his hand to quiet his son, nodding along, "Okay, that makes sense. Donna will no longer be welcomed here."
Eric almost lost it. With a tiny neck vein popping out, Eric's dry voice shouted one last, desperate time, "NO!"
Kitty agreed, "Okay, now that that's settled, will you two please call back the police and let them know their services will not be required?"
Eric tried to talk to his mother, "Mom, please, Donna has to come back-"
His mother gave him a short wave by her waist, signaling him to stop talking. Eric's mouth closed, but his panic state was apparent to everyone.
Meanwhile, Bob and Midge were talking over calling off the police quietly by the sliding doors. While it was obvious Midge was willing to call them off, Bob was less than convinced. Kitty sensed this and silently mouthed to Red that they were going to have trouble with Bob. Red seemed unconvinced until Kitty narrowed her eyes at him. Sighing he shrugged, to which Eric witnessed his father making the "trade" of a lifetime, "If you call off the damn cops Eric'll sweep your garage."
Bob looked up, thinking about this, "But we don't have a garage."
Red huffed, "Fine, then he'll help plant your hippie flowers and sing cumbia with you until what he wrecked is fixed!"
Bob didn't want to agree, but Midge softened him up, "Oh Bob, Eric's just a little bity kid. He won't survive the night in jail. And besides, what are the odds Donna will grow feelings for him?"
Bob groaned, very unsure of anything, "Fine. I'll call off the cops-" Then he pointed at Eric, "But you stay away from Donna, unless you enjoy taking banjo blows to the head!" As Bob made his way toward the living room, Midge took the opportunity to ask Kitty, "So Kitty, did Red get you anything special for Valentine's Day?"
:::::
She had tried- unsuccessfully- to stop Fez and Kelso from rabbit slapping one another. And then somewhere along the way, Kelso pulled out a Roman Candle. It was something he claimed he always kept, just in case of a fight. Jackie doubted this, seeing as how her boyfriend almost never got himself in a fight. But what surprised her even more was when Fez pulled out another Roman Candle, explaining that he swiped this from Kelso when he wasn't looking.
She tried to stop them, shouting for them to let bygones be bygones. And somehow the morons got their hands on a lighter, and that was when it happened: Both shot the Roman Candles straight at the top of The Lionshead.
Jackie's mouth hung open while a large hot ball of fire attacked the restaurant. As the roof soon swooned ablaze, dark smoke soon sent crinkled kisses on the night sky.
She could only say one thing, "MICHAEL!"
Kelso then grabbed Jackie by the waist, throwing her over his shoulder as he screamed, "Let's get outta here!"
While he and Fez booked it toward the car, Fez shouted, "I take it we will never be invited back, no?"
A huge explosion from the top of The Lionshead was heard.
:::::
The Forman Kitchen:
Donna almost punched Eric across the face, "What the hell were you doing in my room, playing with my underwear?!"
Hyde snickered, "Smooth move, Forman."
Eric asked his parents and the Pinciotti's, "Please, can we talk alone for a second?"
Red barked, "No."
Hyde made a gesture, "I'll make sure the kids are alright."
Red narrowed his eyes at Hyde, "And I trust you less."
Eric tried to explain, "Donna, it was dark and I was upset…it was a mistake! You have to believe me!"
In the background, Hyde chuckled, "I'd like to see someone make a bigger mistake."
Soon a trio of what was Kelso, Jackie, and Fez burst through the sliding doors, their faces and clothes covered in charcoal. Everyone stopped to stare at them. Red folded his arms scross his chest in shock, "What the hell happened to you!" Kelso then pointed behind his shoulder, nodding, "Car trouble."
"Car trouble?" Hyde waved away their foul smell, "Did it explode?"
"Naw." Kelso shook his head, as if nothing too important happened, "So, what's happening here?"
Donna pointed at Eric hotly, "He was rummaging through my unmentionables!"
Jackie smacked Eric's shoulder, "That is not how you show a girl that you care about her! Who gave you lessons in love? Hugh Heffner?"
Eric protested, "I'm not a creep! It was dark! And I was looking for the key to unlock her-"
"Pants!" Fez beamed.
Eric glared at him, "I was gonna say 'Window'!"
Everyone gave him looks, as if not believing him at all. He shouted, "It's the truth!" Everyone groaned, Bob taking Donna's arm, "Let's go pumpkin." As they all piled outside one by one, Eric's head banged on the kitchen table. When the last occupants were the Formans themselves, Red pointed at Eric's deflated body, "Don't forget- tomorrow you're fixing Bob's hippie garden!"
He only groaned, "This has been the worst Valentine's Day ever..."