Chapter X: Everything Is
As ten-year-old kids, Fang and Iggy had very, very little to do. Before that time, there were constant tests, white coats rushing about, and what not. But in the weeks before Iggy's surgery, things suddenly got very relaxed. Honestly, Fang had no idea why. Perhaps it was their anticipation that caused them to back off so suddenly, or maybe it had something to do with them getting older. But in any case, they ended up with a lot of free time on their hands. Most of which was filled up with mindless wall staring, television, reading, tag and games of hide and seek.
Hide and seek, Iggy had decided early on, was his favorite. Seeing as neither wall staring nor television nor reading was very exciting, and tag was hard to play in a small space like the rooms they were presented with.
"Shut up!" Iggy hissed under his breath, as Fang tapped him on the shoulder.
"I didn't say anything!" the other boy protested, putting his hands up defensively.
"You were going to!" Iggy accused in an annoyed way.
"Prove it!"
"Shh!" Sometimes Iggy could be very competitive. But only when hide and seek was involved. Otherwise he was a very passive person. Really.
Fang, realizing he didn't want to be at the end of Iggy's competitive wrath, obliged and instead stayed quiet and tried not to reveal their hiding place to Max.
Hide and seek was probably best played with a large group, honestly (this was later confirmed when Nudge, Gazzy and Angel joined the group), but since they had three people they made due as best they could; Max usually seeking, Fang and Iggy hiding. The games never lasted very long, though, there were few places to hide in their rooms, and Fang and Iggy usually hid in the same place anyways. Which was slightly pointless, he realized. But Iggy liked sitting next to Fang, so he wasn't going to say anything.
"What's taking her so long?" Fang whispered after a long moment. Mostly to himself, but partly to see if Iggy was still feeling so competitive.
"Dunno," Iggy shrugged, peering around the edge of the table.
"Maybe the white coats got her," Fang whispered mysteriously, though he highly doubted that. They had better things to do than follow around three ten-year-olds.
"Shut up,"
"Sorry."
"You should be." Iggy sniffed.
Silence.
"I said I was sorry." Fang said after a painfully long, awkward moment.
"And...?" Iggy's competitive arrogance shined through.
"Well, aren't you gonna say something else?"
"No."
"Fine." Fang said defiantly.
Silence filled the room once more.
"Sorry." This time, it was Iggy. Because fighting with your best friend really wasn't that fun anyways.
Fang had never felt so horribly torn in his life.
Iggy, his love, was... sleeping, or in a coma. Whatever you wanted to say, but the point was he was now lying in a hospital bed, attached to wires and tubes and god knows what, and he wouldn't wake up.
Somehow, Angel, Max, Gazzy and Nudge had learned their secret. Well, not somehow. Angel had read Iggy's mind, Max had caught him kissing Iggy's sleeping body, and Angel had accidentally spilled to the other two.
Fang sighed to himself. He really had to stop blaming other people. She'd only hinted at their relationship, he'd been the one to spill the news.
And what news it was.
Angel had taken it without a second thought. Simply accepted it as fact and moved on. Thank god for her and her simplicity.
Max seemed... well, at first she had been somewhat accepting, and now, she seemed to be slowly slipping into a type of shock; as if it'd finally sunk in.
Nudge had probably suspected all along, to be honest, and she'd kept her mouth oddly shut. Though he knew she probably would've said something to him later.
Gazzy was the only one he'd hit a bit of a rough patch with. He hadn't quite understood it, how two guys could have feelings for each other. He kept asking, "How did this happen? What do you mean? Why...?" But Fang thought- hoped- he'd come to accept it later, though he couldn't care less if he did. He didn't care what anyone thought anymore.
Even if he didn't care, though, he could feel the dynamic of the group change. Gazzy was reluctant to talk about Iggy in front of him, Nudge seemed always on the verge of saying something, but then she'd draw back and close her mouth. Max herself looked at him with more pity, her eyes full of sympathy and concern. He brushed it off, though. He didn't need them and their problems. He couldn't have cared less what they did.
All he cared about was Iggy, that's it.
The doctors had come in only a few minutes before, sweeping his vital signs and checking over his brain waves. Apparently, there was no change. Fang didn't know what they were looking for exactly, but whatever it was, he could have told them it wasn't there. The only thing he'd seen Iggy do the entire time he'd been at his bedside was breath. Although he found the slow rise and chest of Iggy's stomach reassuring, because other than that he looked very, very dead.
"Hey," Fang looked up, and was surprised to see that Max had somehow slipped into the otherwise silent room without him knowing.
"Hi," he muttered, giving a weak wave her way to show he was alive.
"What's up?" she asked gently, taking a seat next to him with some hesitation.
"What's up? What's up?" He felt a rise of anger in his chest once more, what's up? Was that supposed to mean, damn, you look horrible, don't kill yourself? Because that's sure as hell what it sounded like.
"Sorry," she blushed profusely, her gaze falling down to her feet, "Stupid question."
"Very stupid question," It was taking his entire will not to scream at her at this point.
"Fang," her voice was no longer soft and easy going; it was firm and forceful, "Stop blaming people. You included. It was just the Erasers, that's it."
She just didn't get it, did she? He let this happen! If he'd listened to his instincts, or at least kept himself grounded, none of this would have ever happened!
And more importantly, he hadn't had the chance to really tell Iggy how much he really, truly cared about him.Iggy could have guessed, sure. But he never put it into words.He never said "I love you", he never did any of that stuff Iggy did for him. Now, he was possibly going to die thinking that Fang hadn't really loved him, which was just about the biggest lie Fang had ever.
"You…" You just don't understand, Fang wanted to say.But he hardly got past the first syllable before he felt his throat begin to close up on him, and it was all he could do to bite his lip and shake his head, his eyes squeezed shut with the desperate prayer, I will not cry, I will not cry.
"Fang..." Maybe Max was going to say more too, but she didn't. Instead, she pursed her lips together and put her hand on Fang's shoulder, which was probably better anyways.
She massaged his shoulder, dispelling all the tension he'd built up in his muscles, and seemingly so, his emotional barrier. The one thing that stopped him from crying out in pain, and he slowly felt himself crumble, from the inside out. His heart dropped into his stomach, and his lips parting to allow racketing, choked sobs to escape in place of words.
And Max sat quietly next to him, having the sense not to say something stupid like, "It's okay" or "Don't worry about it", she just said next to him, massaging away all his tension and feelings, she never said a word.
"I'm sorry," Fang choked when he found his voice again.
"Don't be," Max said softly as he wiped his eyes on his sleeve.
"I don't know what happened,"
"Fang, you... obviously care about him."
"What gave you your first clue," Fang muttered bitterly under his breath, his fire returning once more.
"I do want to know, though," Max said, obviously choosing to ignore his comment, "Wha… How, did this happen?"
Like I even know, Fang thought to himself.
"Why does it matter?" He sounded quite a bit more bitter than he'd meant to, but he didn't care either way.
"I… Jus… It doesn't." she blushed profusely, before adding softly, "I just wanted to know."
He supposed she would, after all, it must have come as a shock, two people who she'd considered herself closest to in the world turning out to be suddenly falling head over heels for each other, right behind her back.
He paused, wondering if he should humor her or just to reply sarcastically.
"I don't even know," he began softly, "One day..." he decided it was best to leave out their whole story, and just skip to the important parts, "Iggy just kissed me... things have been going ever since."
"You mean...?" Her face was twisted in perverted disgust, her expression saying something along the lines of, 'you've got to be kidding me.'
"No!" he said quickly, "I mean, we've just been..." Maybe the term in love wasn't appropriate for the moment, "together ever since."
"Oh," Max said quietly, "How... how long has this been going on?"
He shrugged, trying to stay indifferent and unattached to the situation, "A while."
So specific, he smiled discreetly to himself, proud of his ability to seem illusive.
"Are you... I mean, do you think you're...?"
Fang's brow furrowed, "Eh?" He had no idea what sh was getting at, if she was even getting at anything and not just rambling.
"Listen," she said quickly, "I shouldn't have asked. Just forget it."
"Am I gay?" Fang could not have been any more blunt at the moment, but as before, he didn't care. To him, the question was just a bit too personal, and a bit rude. So it should be met with the same attitude.
"Erm, yes."
How do you answer a question like that when you don't know? Fang wondered to himself, because he hadn't considered himself gay, but bringing up the question there were very little other options. Because obviously he wasn't straight, that was for sure.
"I don't know," he said honestly, "Because if Iggy were a girl, I'd still love him… Or her, as it were. Maybe I am? Sure. But to me, it really doesn't matter. I just..." he felt his throat suddenly start to choke again, "I love him."
He didn't know what it was about those words, that one little phrase. But it was the absolute worst for him. He loved the way it rolled of Iggy's tongue, the way he always put emphasis on the 'uh' of love. As if there was some secret message in it. But whenever he tried to say it- and god knows he had- he'd get tongue tied and back out. And now... it was almost too late.
"What-? Fang!" Max cried, probably surprised to see such a reaction coming out of him. At least, that would be his best guess. But if she thought this was going to turn into some heart-to-heart session, boy was she wrong.
"It's not important," he told her, clenching his jaw and tightening his fists, as if that alone could ward off emotion.
"Please, just talk to me-"
Fang only gritted his teeth in response, because he was not going to let himself fall apart in front of Max and let her think he was getting soft. Even if he was, she wasn't going to know that. In his mind, he was still Fang, strong, silent and emotionless. But in his heart, he knew that Fang was crumbling, and something new was coming in his place.
Iggy's first kiss was not actually with Fang, as he supposed Fang would have thought. It was a more innocent, simpler version of a kiss than the ones he and Fang had shared. When their hormones were raging and their emotions were churning, it was all they could do to just hold onto each other. He supposed maybe it was just the way Fang kissed him, or maybe it was the way he kissed Fang.
All he knew was that Max had certainly been different.
It'd been on one of their first days outside the School, a rainy day at the age of seven. Fang wasn't there, he was having a medical examination, and the two had eluded their chaperone long enough to escape into a small wooded area in back of the facility. Much of it was cut off by an electric fence none of them dared to touch, but there was a small thicket they could get to quite easily. And so, they decided exploring a 10x10 area was better than exploring nothing at all.
"I'm Superman!" Iggy declared, bounding from log to log, trying to give the impression of flight. Neither of them had flown in the open before, only inside. Had he been more daring, he might have tried it himself.
"Then, I'm Wonder Woman!" Max giggled, stepped up on the log in front of him and jumping gleefully to a nearby stump.
"And we'll fly far away," she said, coming up behind him soundlessly, and then, with perhaps a bit too much gloat, gave him a hard shove between the shoulders, meant to send him toppling to the floor. The plan went that far, but what she didn't count on was Iggy grabbing her by the hand and pulling her down into the mess of grass and dirty plastic cans and leaves with him.
She fell on top of him, laughing the entire way, because, honestly, it was probably one of the funniest things she'd ever seen.
"You were saying?" Iggy smiled, stroking the brown, crispy leaves from her hair.
"Nothing," she said through fits of laughter. Iggy could only smile.
Once she got her breath, she rolled off of Iggy's stomach and onto her side, staring at Iggy intently, as if deep in concentration. He turned and did the same, watching the way she was absent mindedly tearing a small, yellow leaf apart as she thought.
"You know, I think things are getting better around here," she said suddenly, her eyes not moving off Iggy's pale, relaxed face.
"Maybe," he agreed with a hint of a shrug.
"Hmm," she hummed, pursing her lips and looking to her left, where dark grey storm clouds were rising in the distance.
"Maybe we should be getting back," she said, pulling herself off the ground.
"Maybe," he agreed once more, allowing her to pull him to his feet as their feet crunched the leaves beneath them.
"Are you going to keep saying 'maybe'?" She laughed, giving him a slight shove in the shoulder.
"Maybe," he smirked.
"Would you hit me back if I hit you?" she wondered aloud as the tramped back through the small thicket.
"Maybe."
"Would you kiss me back if I kissed you?"
"Maybe."
Turns out, maybe was a definite yes, because as he felt her lips graze his, he could help but let himself fall into her. Because no matter how much he denied it, he thought Max was beautiful. And he loved the way she looked at him whenever things got too boring for her taste. He loved the way she'd twirl her hair aimlessly when caught up in her own thoughts. The way she'd walk down the halls, as if she owned the damn place. The way her eyes always had a spark...
But, then again, she didn't quite taste as sweet as he'd imagined.
"I fucked up, okay?" Fang said after much, much pestering on Max's part, some people file harassment claims after the type of pestering she did, "I really, really fucked up."
"Huh?" she blinked blankly, not quite understand how 'fucked up' and 'Iggy dying' went together. After all, he hadn't been the one to... to hurt him like that.
"I fucked up!" he repeated, "F-U-C-"
"Fang, I don't need a spelling lesson, just tell me what's wrong!"
"I just- god- I was such an idiot! He told me he loved me, he told me every fucking day, and you know how I repaid him? With nothing! Absolutely nothing!"
"Fang-"
"Fang," Iggy said softly into the other boy's hair.
"Yes?" Fang responded, his voice equally light. Iggy could feel the brunette's arms wrapped tightly around him, holding him close, sheltering him against the cold. It felt so right, just exactly the way things should be right then and there. Nothing could have made it better, nothing could have made it worse. It was perfect, just absolutely perfect. There were no other words to describe it.
"This is... this is the happiest I've been a long time," he said honestly, resting his head in the curve of Fang's neck, nuzzling his t-shirt sleepily. And it was true, too. Ever since they'd left Colorado, they'd hardly had time to stop and relax. But this was one of the rare times Iggy simply got to enjoy the company of his boyfriend.
"Me too," the sigh from Fang was heavy, tired, almost sad but not quite, happy with a tinge of melancholy regret. A common Fang thing. Seeing as he was almost never completely happy, though Iggy knew he wasn't quite as cold as he seemed.
"Fang?" He murmured quietly.
"Mmm-hmm."
"You're amazing, love," he whispered, burying his face in Fang's collarbone and pulling himself even closer to the brunette boy, and curling his knees closer to his chest as Fang did the same. Making them seem like one small, compact package.
Love. It was a term of affection rarely used in this part of New York, but it was the absolute perfect one for Fang. Nothing too childish or cliche, but it was still special. It still had meaning.
"You're beautiful," Fang paused, and Iggy opened his mouth to lay out another sentiment, but Fang beat him to it.
"In fact, I think you're perfect." Fang's voice had grown softer, and Iggy could feel his breath against his hair. His lips brushed against his temple.
"I love you so much," Iggy replied, his throat only slightly choked, "You make my heart ache."
"You make mine race, baby," Fang said, his fingers running across Iggy's scalp, combing through his hair. Iggy could almost feel Fang's heart, pounding against his, as he leaned in to kiss him once more. Harder, more possessively than ever before. He thought of how Max kissed Fang once, and how he'd once kissed her too. Well, tonight, they'd both forget about her. They didn't need her, they had each other, that was enough.
"Just kill me, okay? Just effing kill me, because I'm gonna die anyways, and right now seems like a pretty damn good time to die-"
"Calm down!" she cried, putting her hands firmly on either side of his shoulders, "You're not going to die, Iggy's not going to die, you're going to grow up together and buy a nice apartment and... and I don't even know what else! But Fang, this is not the end of the world!"
"It's not?" his breath was heavy, and halting, but he said it as if a revelation had hit, as if the little light bulb had at last gone off.
Max said nothing, she just looked at him. His dark, brown- almost black- hair and the way it fell into his eyes. How his eyes almost matched, except for a quiver of hazel and gold you could only see... once you looked properly. His mouth, open to reveal his straight, white teeth, and how beautifully his features came together...
What happened next, Max could only call a moment of stupidity, or complete forgetfulness and idiocy, because the next thing she new, if only for one brief second, her lips came to meet Fang's.
The kiss, if you could call it that, only lasted a second before both bodies pushed away. One completely disgusted with themselves and confused, the other just confused, and slightly shocked. And guess which one Max was.
"Ah!" she cried, suddenly realizing what she'd done.
"Max," Fang's voice trembled, "You're... a nice girl... but-"
She didn't stay to hear the rest, she stood up, hands covering her face for fear that wet tears would leak down her face, and quickly stumbled out the door and into the hallway. But she hardly made it a step before she found herself collapsing in front of the door, hot tears running down her face and painful, choked words slipping from her mouth.
"Why do I ruin everything?"