Ryan Newville and Jack Ramsey were amazingly unlucky. First, there was being forced to enlist in the military, which would've been bearable if it weren't for being dishonorably discharged for the thing with the fleshlight (it wasn't his fault, Jack would say only five times a week). And then there was deciding their next course of action would be going to Pandora.

Pandora. The place with the Grimm that could haul you off by their talons and fly you to be dinner for their children or some Ursa would get your spine stuck in their teeth. Pandora, where anyone who couldn't be classified as remotely sane and had still a pulse basically wanted to repurpose your pelvis as a new mask to cover up the scars from baby Creeps. The place that was said to have some ancient treasure inside a Vault, but no one could actually support this claim. Yeah, that Pandora. Ryan and Jack were so stupid that they decided to try their hand at being Vault Hunters.

Needless to say, that didn't go well. In fact, it went almost hilariously bad. Things started off on a bad foot when the transport lost their gear at some point during travel (how you lose two bags during a space travel was beyond Ryan's comprehension, and Jack felt the need to rip his beard out). Jack lost an arm, which was then shoddily replaced by some kid named Brandon that cost way too much. The replacement guns and shields they had were pathetic; whoever this Burns dude was, he clearly didn't know how to aim or just not die, so how he ended up making guns and shields was a goddamn mystery.

"Please shoot me," Jack complained one night as they slept. They'd ended up in the Arid Nexus Boneyard, looking for a job that the Torchwick Corporation had sent out for over the ECHOs. They were about five miles out, given that their Carrier had crashed in the middle of the night, they decided to set up camp.

"Not yet, man," Ryan pleaded. "Once we find Torchwick, we're gonna be somebodies again. I promise."

By the time morning rolled around, they'd set off to the source of the ECHO. It took six hours, four clips of Jack's bullets, and a medkit, but they reached the TorchCorp outpost and promptly passed out from heat stroke and exhaustion. Another two hours later, and the two were dressed in black and red armor as the new Burners (foot troops, but from the sound of things, this Torchwick guy was seriously into naming things as fire-related as possible. Whatever, what mattered was that they were getting paid). By then, you'd think that this meant their luck had improved.

You'd be wrong.

Turns out that being a Burner required a lot of physical activity, and Jack was sorta not all that in shape. Sure, he could defend himself in a fight, but that was different from training. Running, push-ups, crunches, all of these made the guy nearly die of exhaustion. Once, a fellow Burner had said that he was "so fat that he once broke his arm and gravy came out," and Jack was inclined to agree. Ryan, while somewhat more physically capable, lacked leadership qualities. In fact, some might say he was a kiss-ass. He was constantly brown nosing his superiors to the point where they all passed him off to each other. The dude attached onto authority figures like a bad smell, and Jack wasn't sure if it was part of some plan that would lead to the two of them taking control of the corporation over Torchwick's bloody corpse.

Between the two of them-one annoyingly overeager and submissive, the other just lazy and dim-witted, even by the remedial standards of Pandora-they made up one incredibly annoying human being. And as such, it was decided that they would be in one place where even they couldn't fuck up.

The Dust Blight. Apparently the two of them were on guard duty for some thing known only as Mogar, which roughly translated to "the Warrior" in some alien language. Every day, the two would report at the front gate to guard it for 16 hours straight. They could alternate shifts, they could break for lunch, but no matter what, they had to watch the door and make sure no one or thing got through them. Of course, nothing ever did.

"So much for being somebodies," Jack grumbled. "We're just walking security alarms, except we can't even make really loud noises to alert everyone else."

"It isn't that bad," Ryan weakly argued.

"Dude, we've been here at this job for weeks now, and literally nothing has happened. This is like watching paint dry, only slightly more tedious."

A sigh, then, "Yeah, this job sucks. Our lives suck. This planet sucks."

"There's no way this can get any worse."

Unfortunately for them, things were about to get worse. At first, they thought the engine was just a Carrier passing through, like some did. Even as it sounded louder, they didn't think too much of it. Hell, the gunfire and screams didn't make them bat an eye, because bandits were pretty stupid and occasionally one of them blew off their own foot, especially those Free ones. Until they saw them.

On a motorcycle was a woman with blonde hair, made all the more noticeable by golden gauntlets on her hands. Another woman with jet black hair in a side buzz was driving the Carrier next to her, and in that transport were a younger woman holding...a scythe? And a Siren? And some blonde dude. Then it felt like time slowed down.

The motorcycle rider hit her brakes, causing the gravel to crunch loudly. The Carrier took a sharp right, and the driver and three passengers jumped out of the vehicle, weapons out and the Siren's fist glowing. The blonde woman threw an arm out, her gauntlet clearly morphing to show off the barrel. Whoever these five people were, they weren't to be messed with.

As mechanical whirring went off behind them signaling that the defenses had kicked on and these five intruders closed the distance between them, Jack and Ryan realized the one piece of advice they should've heeded from the other soldiers they talked to during their time in the service.

Never, ever, go to Pandora.

I'd seen that GIF from Age of Ultron where the Avengers are leaping into battle and those two HYDRA goons looked like they were having the worst days of their lives. Thus, this chapter was born! Next up is Blake.