Will and Elizabeth's Married Life as Seen by Captain Jack Sparrow
Declaimer: still don't own...
New Arrivals and Eunuchs
"...bathed in the wonderful glory that comes to a woman when her first-born is laid beside her."
-Anne of the Island
A year after their marriage Jack visited Will and Elizabeth. Everyone in Port Royal was inordinately relieved that they were safely married. Jack strolled, or more like strutted to Will and Elizabeth's manor house. Elizabeth had a huge dowry and Will got rather rich off the treasure of Isla de'Mueta a few years back, so they lived a very comfortable life, but not at all agreeable, according to Jack. He knocked on their door. A servant opened it.
"May I inquire as to your business here?" the servant asked, eyeing Jack's rather picturesque appearance.
"I'm here to see the Turners," Jack informed him.
"They are currently eating dinner, but you may wait for them to finish."
Jack rolled his eyes in irritation.
"I don't care what they're doing, I'll not be kept waiting." Jack said, shoving past the servant.
"Excuse me, but you can't just--" the servant began, but at that point Jack lost his patience. He had had enough. He spun around, pointing a pistol at the servant and cocking it.
"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow," he told the servant. "Savvy?" He then pushed into the Turner's dining room.
"Jack!" Elizabeth and Will exclaimed at the same time, standing up. They were the only two in the room, but according to Jack, this wouldn't be for long. Elizabeth was showing definite signs of expanding the family.
"William, Lizzie," Jack said, almost lazily.
"Don't call me that!" Elizabeth cried.
"Come and sit down," Will said, beckoning Jack over to the table. Jack collapsed into one of the many unoccupied chairs around the table, next to Elizabeth.
"Have any rum around?" Jack asked.
"We have a couple of bottles in the cellar, just in case you come along." Elizabeth said. "Will, can you go get them?"
Will came back with the bottles in a minute and set them in front of Jack, who uncorked one lazily.
"So, how's life been for you two? Not bad as I can see," Jack commented, slinging an arm around Elizabeth's shoulders, and laying a hand on her swollen belly.
"This isn't Tortuga, Jack," Elizabeth said, "besides, not in front of Will."
Will looked plainly horrified. Jack and Elizabeth burst out laughing.
"It was a joke, Will," Elizabeth laughed. "I just couldn't resist it. Oh, I love you, Will," she said affectionately, reaching across the table and brushing a piece of hair out of his face.
They had a very satisfying evening, catching up on each other's news. That is, it was pleasant until Jack got so drunk, he fell asleep in Will's favorite armchair, and spilled rum all over Elizabeth's best carpet. Elizabeth got so mad, she threw the bottle and the rest of it's contents into the fireplace, which promptly exploded. Jack woke up briefly, muttered,
"Why's the rum gone?" and fell back to sleep.
The next morning, everyone was in a bad mood. Jack had a splitting headache, Elizabeth was mad about the fireplace and very nauseous, and Will was upset that Elizabeth was upset.
"So, Lizzie," Jack said over breakfast.
"Don't call me that!" Elizabeth half screamed, her voice bordering on hysterical.
"As I was saying," Jack continued. "Where'd you get the baby?"
"What?"
"Will's a eunuch, so who's the father?"
The next second, Jack was running out of the house and down the street, various dishes and vases flying after him. A priceless family vase was smashed to pieces on the street outside the Turner's house. Jack, meanwhile, raced onto the Black Pearland gasped to his incredulously gaping first mate Barbossa:
"Cast off, come on, we need to get out of here!"