Will and Elizabeth's Married Life as Seen by Captain Jack Sparrow

Declaimer: The sun is still rising in the west and I still do not own PotC

Religion and Retirement

"What soft-headed lubber had a Bible?"

-Treasure Island

"Blessed be the cheesemakers..."

-Life of Brian

A few months later, around Christmas, Jack came to visit Will and Elizabeth again. Things had definitely changed. Elizabeth had died in childbirth, taking the baby with her. Will, completely broken-hearted, drank his way through all his money and now lived in a run-down shack on the outskirts of Port Royal. Okay, just kidding. Will and Elizabeth(who was still comfortably alive) were still living in their manor. Jack came to find out how the baby was. He didn't even know if it was a boy or girl. He strutted up to the door of the Turner mansion. Will and Elizabeth had fired their previous servant, so now a new one came to the door when Jack knocked. He felt rather proud of himself for knocking, and not bursting his way into the house.

"May I inquire as to your business here?" the servant asked, and just like his predecessor, eyed Jack mistrustfully.

"I'm here to see the Turners," Jack drawled.

"They're eating dinner now--" the servant began, but Jack shoved past him and straight into the dining room.

"Jack!" Elizabeth and Will exclaimed.

Jack sprawled in one of the empty chairs, put his feet up on the table, and nibbled on a shrimp.

"Where's the new addition to the family?"

"Well, actually," Elizabeth said, "they're twins. A boy and a girl."

"What are they named?"

"That's the problem." Will said. "They were born a week ago and we can't decide on names."

Elizabeth brought her babies in to show them to Jack and Will got the rum.

"I have a solution to your problem," Jack told them. "Name the boy after me, and the girl Jacklyn, shorten it to Jackie."

"Perfect!" Elizabeth cried. "We wanted to name the boy after you, because you married us, and you're such a good friend," Will coughed delicately. "but we couldn't think of a name for the girl."

"Well, it's just lucky that I happened along then," Jack said. "Oh, yeah, I have Christmas presents for you two." He produced a sword for Will which was made out of solid gold with an emerald set in the handle. While Will was still consumed in speechless admiration, Jack give Elizabeth an amber necklace with a bracelet to match.

"Oh, Jack," Elizabeth exclaimed. "This is beautiful!"

"This sword is gorgeous!" Will cried. "It must have cost you a fortune! Where did you get it?"

"I shoulda known you would ask that," Jack said regretfully.

"Jack! Oh, you surely didn't steal them!" Elizabeth said.

"I'm a pirate, love. What'd you expect? Now, please, don't start! If you don't like where your presents came from, give 'em back, but I suggest you pretend Will didn't ask that question."

"Let's do that!" Will agreed.

"Good idea, let's try all this again! Oh, Jack! How can we thank you for them?"

"Don't even try to, love," Jack said expansively.

"Listen, Jack," Will said. "Is it any use asking you not to call my wife 'love'?"

"No," Jack said. "Or would you prefer me to call her something else? I can think of something."

"No! Please don't!" Will cried.

"Jack," Elizabeth said. "Do you want to come to church with us?"

"NO! Is that how you're trying to thank me?

"Actually it was just a suggestion," Elizabeth said.

"Don't you know that I hate churches! The incense! It makes me choke! And the wine they serve! It's revolting! It's not even proper wine! And the services! They are such a waste of time! And boring as all hell!" Jack raged.

"It was just a suggestion," Elizabeth said weakly.

"For God's sake, I'm a PIRATE! I've probably broken all ten commandments more times than I can count! Besides, I'm not even Christian, so the commandments don't apply to me!"

"Jack, please--" Will began, but was cut off by Jack.

"That is it!" he bellowed. "I come here with the innocent intension of giving you Christmas presents and instead of thanking me you try to rope me into religion! No, I'm not staying under your roof for another moment!"

And with that he stormed out of the house, leaving a dumbstruck Elizabeth and Will behind him. Then Will leap up and grabbing a bottle of rum, ran to the door.

"Jack!" he called. "Jack! Come back and have some rum!"

The pirate captain hesitated for a second. Then the rum won. He came back.

"You're not going to try to persuade me to convert?"

"No, I promise."

"Oh, all right," Jack agreed cheerfully.

"But, you know, Jack," Will remarked, "You did marry us, so you must be at least a little bit Christian."

"No more religion!" Jack yelled, brandishing his bottle of rum threateningly. "Besides, you can't be a little bit Christian. You're either Christian, or you're not, and I'm under the 'not' category."

"Does that mean we're not legally married?" Elizabeth asked tremulously.

"NO!" Jack screamed. "You most certainly are! I'm not going through all that again!"

"I should hope not," Will said.

"Well," Elizabeth said. "How about we give Jack his Christmas present."

"You know what," Jack said, "I don't think I want a Christmas present. I mean, I don't want a Christmas present. I'd much prefer a some other holiday present. A Christmas present sort of implies I'm supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus, which I don't. I mean, no one celebrates my birthday (except for me and the people I invite to the celebration), so why would I celebrate someone else's?"

"You didn't die for the sake of the people, Jack" Elizabeth said.

"Huh," Jack said. "Is there any proof that Jesus even existed?"

Will and Elizabeth stared at each other.

"Ha!" Jack cried. "You know I'm right!"

"If we listen to you for another minute, we'll have no convictions left." Will said.

"Are you quoting My Fair Lady?" Jack asked.

"Let's just call your present a winter holiday present, and we'll give it to you before you manage to destroy our faith." Elizabeth suggested.

"You know what," Jack said. "I'll need to have a talk with the priest in that church up the street."

"NO!" Will and Elizabeth cried in unison.

"When is your birthday, Jack?" Elizabeth asked. "I notice you didn't invite us to the celebration."

"It's on the 7th of July," Jack answered. "And about the celebrations, I kind of neglected them for the past few years. I'll start celebrating it again, and invite you. Oh! I remember why I stopped celebrating my birthday! I lost track of how old I was,"

"You couldn't have, Jack," Elizabeth cried. "How old were you on the last birthday you celebrated?"

"I drank too much rum that day, I can't remember." Jack answered, frowning.

"See?" Will said. "Drinking rum never leads to anything good."

"I don't see anything bad about not knowing my own age. Then no one will tell me that I need to go into retirement."

"Do pirates retire?" Elizabeth wondered aloud.

"Certainly we do!" Jack cried. "If we live to see the time."

"What do retired pirates do?" Will asked interested.

"Well," Jack said hesitantly. "No one really knows, as there wasn't yet a pirate who survived to retirement age."

"So you'll be the first?" Elizabeth asked.

"No, haven't you been listening?" Jack asked. "I won't retire at all, I'll go on pirating forever."

"Well, how about that present, Jack?" Will asked.

"A winter holiday present, not a Christmas present?"

"A winter holiday present," Will confirmed.

Elizabeth brought down a small box. Jack opened, and found a ruby ring. He slipped it on his finger.

"It's pretty," he commented. "Thanks." Then he turned over the card attached to the box. His face went purple.

"Jack, what is it?" Elizabeth asked. Jack, meanwhile, got up and walked deliberately out of the house. Elizabeth looked in horror at the card, wondering what was so dreadful that it made Jack walk out on them like that. The back of the card said Merry Christmas.

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