Never Be Mine
By: Michelle Rose Landau
Summary: The only way she'll notice me, the only way I'll know she's interested either way, is if I just talk to her...Love, sex, marriage, and family in 12.
Genre: Romance/AU; there's still Hunger Games, but Katniss and Peeta won't be Tributes.
Pairing(s)/Characters: eventual Peeta/Katniss, Gale/Katniss, Gale/Madge, OC/Tributes
Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games series. They are the sole creative property of Suzanne Collins.
A/N: Sorry for the long wait between updates and for the errors! Thank you to Sue Ellen who pointed out the lack of line breaks. Work has been awesomely busy. Thank you for your patience, reviews, follows, and favorites, they are much appreciated. Enjoy.
~eleven~
It's difficult for Katniss and I to associate outside of school, and I really want to ask her to go with me so that we can spend more time together, if she wants that.
In the meantime, we meet everyday for lunch, and sometimes, she hangs around with me and my friends, and sometimes, we spend time alone. We talk about all kinds of things, and sometimes we catch up on work together. I show her my art, and she likes it, but she doesn't quite get into it.
I'm perfectly okay with that because the upside of it is that she's willing to listen, and she's teachable. She lets me explain the terms and reasons and artists.
She talks to me about plants and nature and her hunts. I'm interested, and she talks about this meadow she and Gale spend time together in and how beautiful it is, how I'd likely love to paint it.
She talks about the wildflowers, the fragrant honeysuckle and baby's breath. She tells me about the tall grass and the trees.
"It sounds like a place where nothing bad happens," I say.
Katniss smiles as she picks over her lunch.
"It really is," she says wistfully. "It's just a beautiful place. It seems like it's a completely different place. Makes me forget about everything."
"Could we go there sometime?" I ask.
She considers it carefully, then she answers me.
"In the summer," she says. "It's prettiest when it's summertime."
"Okay," I nod.
She peels her orange thoughtfully, then she looks at me.
"I feel things around you that I've never felt before," she confesses. "Talking with you the last few weeks has been good, and I appreciate you taking things slow...I-I'm not good with emotions, either. I'm confused."
"Why are you confused?" I ask.
"I'm confused because we're both so different," she explains. "And...Gale is...was the only other guy in my life. Honestly, I go back and forth about how I feel about Gale. Sometimes, I feel like I love him, and other times, I tell myself that it's not real love, like love love.
And then spending time with you makes me feel those feelings that I feel like I should feel for Gale. I don't...I feel something deeper with you than I do with Gale. It's confusing because he's my best friend, and I...I..."
She pauses, trying to find the right words.
"You feel obligated," I finish for her.
"You're right," she agrees. "I do. But I feel like I owe you something too, and-"
"Katniss you don't owe me anything," I assure her firmly. "The things that I've done for you, the things that I'm willing to do for you...I do it because I care about you, and because I'm in love with you."
"God, Peeta," she groans. "How can you be so sure about your love for me when I'm so uncertain about how I feel? How can you take this huge gamble?"
I shrug. "Katniss...it's not a gamble to me," I explain. "I've tried going with other girls, and it didn't work with any of them because they weren't you. I'd compare them to you."
"There's not much to compare..."
"Don't do that," I say, annoyed, and she furrows her eyebrows. "Don't say things like that about yourself...if you can help it, don't even think it, at least when you're around me. You are beautiful, Katniss. You're gorgeous."
She looks at me for a moment, then she nods.
"Okay."
"Look...if you never feel the same way about me, I'm good with that. I'm just happy being your friend," I say.
Katniss sighs. "I don't know if I want to be just friends, either. I-I know what friendship feels like, and it's not this...I...c-can you just...be patient with me?"
"Yeah," I promise. "I will be patient."
Katniss nods. "Thank you."
The rest of the afternoon goes by, and then it's the end of the school day.
I walk outside with Katniss, and we linger in the schoolyard like we have been. I've been late to the bakery a lot, much to my parents' displeasure.
"So, Katniss," I begin nervously. "I-I know that things are still kind of new, but would you-"
"Hey Catnip."
Gale and Prim come over.
"Hi," she says, then she turns her attention back to me. "Peeta, what were you going to say?"
Gale looks at me with disdain.
The guy isn't stupid; he knows Katniss just as well, likely better, than I do, and after what she'd shared with me, and our spending time together, I know that he knows that her confidence and security in her feelings for him are actively being called into question.
"I was just...nothing," I lie. "It's not important. I'll see you tomorrow."
Katniss smiles. "Okay. Bye, Peeta."
"Bye."
I'm late again.
When I get to the bakery, Mom's furious.
"Dammit, Peeta," she growls as she smacks me across the face with a wooden spoon with a force that takes my breath away. "You've been late almost everyday this week. What the hell are you into?"
"Nothing," I lie, and she knows it, as I catch the blood dripping from my nose, and she hits me again several times, across my chest, my arm, my cheek.
"Don't lie to me, boy," she snarls. "It's true, isn't it?"
"What?" I ask, grabbing a rag and pinching my nose.
"You've been spending time with that Everdeen girl, haven't you?"
I don't want to answer, but she nods, sensing my what my answer is. "It is true. That Seam girl is trouble already."
"Mom-"
"Shut up!" She yells. "I don't want you talking to, or spending time around that Seam slut-"
"Don't call her that," I say. "Don't talk about her like that."
"If she's not a slut now, she will be soon," she huffs. "She's trouble. I've made sure to put an end to this before it begins. I phoned her mother and told her to keep Katniss away from you."
"Mom...-"
"If she doesn't stay away from you, I'll do and say worse. Now get cleaned up and get to work."
"Yes ma'am," I say, my tone numb, but on the inside, I'm burning with rage.
I'm so angry at my mother, I have to grip the sink in the bathroom, blood dripping from my nose into the sink.
I'm shaking and sweaty.
How can Mom say those things about Katniss? How can she do this? Katniss is the only thing keeping me sane, keeping me calm and keeping me happy.
I think of Zulee-Mae's words to me:
Just...jump, Peeta. Go with her. Don't let all this fucked up shit about Seams versus Merchants stop you... You have to grab happiness where you can get it.
I'll be damned if my mother steals the only thing in my life worth living for.
I'm so fucking furious at her, and I have to think about something else before I put my fist through a wall and cause more trouble for myself.
I close my eyes and think about Katniss' eyes, her modesty and humbleness, the meadow she described to me. I think about her in that orange dress, sitting in the meadow, surrounded by the honeysuckle and baby's breath, waiting for me.
I begin to calm, and my tremors of anger subside.
I wash my face and change my shirt before I head downstairs to the bakery.
Dad and my brothers are dutifully working, and I join them.
They say nothing, and I say nothing.
I'm helping Mom and Prim with dinner, and I'm curious as to whom she was talking to on the phone earlier when Prim and I came in from getting the goat milk for our meal.
I noticed that she looked disturbed, and a little angry.
"Mom," I begin as I stir the stew.
"Yes, dear?"
I don't like it when she calls me that, but I let her anyway.
"Who was on the phone earlier?" I ask. "You looked kind of upset."
She stops cutting up the greens.
"No one," she says after a long moment.
I know that she's not being completely honest with me, but I let it go and continue making dinner.