Never Be Mine

By: Michelle Rose Landau

Summary: The only way she'll notice me, the only way I'll know she's interested either way, is if I just talk to her...Love, sex, marriage, and family in 12.

Genre: Romance/AU; there's still Hunger Games, but Katniss and Peeta won't be Tributes.

Pairing(s)/Characters: eventual Peeta/Katniss, Gale/Katniss, Gale/Madge, OC/Tributes

Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games series. They are the sole creative property of Suzanne Collins.

A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews, follows, and favorites! Over this Memorial Day Weekend, if you know any veterans, or have any veterans in your families, please be sure to let them know that their service and sacrifice is appreciated. In light of all the scandals and the mistreatments of our Veterans, I think that they deserve, more than ever, our thoughts and prayers over this weekend. Memorial Day is more than just a day off. Thank you, and enjoy.

~twelve~

For the next week, Peeta acts strangely around me and I have a feeling that his distance has something to do with the phone call my mother received.

At lunch, he disappears somewhere, and I feel a deep, deep ache inside me.

Has he decided that he doesn't want to be friends anymore? Or spend time with me anymore? Has something come up? Am I not forthcoming enough about my feelings?

I don't understand what's happening, but I look over at him and I see that his cheek and nose are bruised, and he seems like he's in a little bit of pain.

His mother.

I have no doubt that his mother had something to do with those bruises.

I hurt for him then, and I need to see him, be around him even more than ever, see if there's anything Mom and Prim can do to help relieve the pain.

Everything is uncertain right now, and it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. My friendship with Gale has been put on hold the last few weeks and it was something that I wanted. I wanted to pull away from him for a little bit so that his influence wouldn't be hovering over me, or my growing friendship with Peeta. I wanted to find out what I was really feeling away from him.

Gale is a great friend, but I know that he wants us to be together as more than friends, and I can't have that in my face all the time when I don't even know if that's what I want.

Peeta has been so patient, and willing to listen, and he's not hurt by my indecision. I've come to value what we've created.

Now, suddenly, he's gone, and I nearly can't take it.

He avoids me all day, everyday, and I don't know what to do. I feel a little lost, and I hate that I'm feeling this way. I feel this desperate, hungry need for him, and it's driving me insane. I don't feel these things. I don't need anyone. I've never needed anyone, except Gale for a time.

God, Peeta has a way of making everything so simple and complicated at the same time.

At the end of the school day, I've got a headache, I'm sick to my stomach, and I feel so confused.

Then, as he's walking out of our last class, he slips me a letter. I feel my heart leap up into my throat, and I take it and tuck it into my bag.

I don't see him after school, and I feel anxious.

I don't even wait for Gale or Prim.

I leave them behind as I rush home.

Mom calls after me, asks if I'm okay, as I rush into the house, drop my bag onto the floor after fishing the letter out of it.

I ignore her question as I head upstairs to my room.

I open up the letter and begin to read it.

Dear Katniss,

I'm so sorry.

I didn't want this to happen. My mother was angry at me for being late so much, and unfortunately, she blamed you.

I'm sure you probably already know this, but my Mom phoned yours, and she asked that you stop talking to me. She asked the same of me, but it's the one thing that I am willing to disobey her over. You're worth it. God...I was so angry at her that I was ready to...lose it.

No, I didn't know this...so Mrs. Mellark phoned my mother, probably gave her an earful about me and Peeta. No wonder Mom looked so disturbed.

She kept it from me, though. I don't know why she wouldn't tell me this. I've been so confused and hurt for a whole damn week, and I'm sure Mom has noticed this. She didn't think that this would be an appropriate time to tell me?

Now the bruises make sense, and I feel terrible.

His mother must have beat him.

Because of me.

I continue to read the letter.

The only thing that kept me from losing my temper was you. I thought about you, and your meadow. Calmed me down. Now I really hope we get there this summer.

I miss you so much.

I must sound crazy to you.

I felt like I was going crazy without being able to be around you.

Me too. I'm glad that he feels the same way. I feel crazy for having these emotions.

I hope that things aren't moving too fast, Katniss. I know that you said that you wanted to take this slowly.

Last week, I was going to ask you if you wanted to go with me.

My heart stops for a moment, and my breath leaves my lungs.

Peeta wants to go with me?

I'm not sure how I feel about that...

You asked me how I can be so sure that I'm in love with you...this is how:

You're always on my mind, Katniss, I know everything about you, when I think about my future, you're a part of it, and you're just...you, Katniss. I love everything about you. There is no other girl on earth like you.

I'm sure that I'm in love with you because you make me happy. No other girl makes me happy except you. Somehow, I just know that I'm supposed to be in love with you.

The thing about it is that it just feels right that I love you.

I know that's huge, and I know that it might be too much too soon, but I'm patient. I want to take this slow with you because you mean a lot to me, and I feel so...honored to just be your friend, and I'm hoping that our friendship will grow if you decide that you want to go with me.

But I know that I have to be realistic.

We're both sixteen.

There's only one thing that's big enough and unstoppable that could potentially alter everything: the Hunger Games.

I hate those words. I hate the Hunger Games, and I hate that he had to mar this amazing, beautiful letter with those words.

There's a chance that we could still be chosen as Tributes. We have two more years before we're out of the Reaping for good.

I guess what I'm saying is...do you want to just keep things as they are now, or do you want to go with me and just...chance it?

You don't have to give me an answer right away, Katniss, but I want you to know that I will be okay with whatever you decide.

My heart is beating so hard within my chest that it hurts. I can hear the rushing of my blood in my ears, and I feel a tear escaping, which I quickly wipe away.

I don't know what I want to decide, what I want to feel. His letter is so beautiful and perfect. He knows how to express himself in such an eloquent way, and he's making what he feels so clear to me. The certainty he feels is a little overwhelming, but assuring at the same time.

Anyway, I hope that you understand, and I hope that you're alright. I'm sorry I hurt you by avoiding you this past week.

I'm sure that you were confused, but you won't be after today. I want to make it clear to you that I'm not going to hurt you like that again.

In the meantime, we can talk like this, if you want. Do you like writing? If you don't we'll think of could figure out when is a good time to speak on the phone...if that doesn't work, then smoke signals, maybe?

I chuckle a bit there. We might just have to resort to that.

I'll see you later, and hopefully things will die down.

Take care of yourself, Katniss.

Best,

Peeta

"Peeta," I sigh.

I stare at the letter in my hands, and I read it over and over, letting his words wash over me. I can feel how much he loves me in every single word.

"Way to ditch us, Catnip."

I start at the sound of Gale's voice behind me, and I turn and face him.

"Oh, hey...sorry," I apologize.

"What were you doing? You bolted like you had a fire under your ass."

I fold up the letter.

"Nothing, I just...I'm sorry I left you guys," I say.

"What's that?" He asks, pointing to the letter in my hand.

"Nothing, just...some homework."

"Anything I can help-?"

"No," I say too quickly, and he looks at me knowingly.

"It has something to do with Peeta, doesn't it?"

I raise my eyebrow.

"And would you care if it did?" I challenge.

"Yeah I would," he huffs. "Jeez, Catnip...you don't...like him, do you? Not really?"

"I do, but...I don't know," I stumble. "Gale, it's complicated, what I feel. But he's my friend, I know that much."

He rolls his eyes. "Katniss...do you hear the things people are saying at school? What they think of you and Peeta?"

"I've heard worse, Gale," I say as I lean over to my night table and place the letter on there.

"Even still, you know he's only trying to-"

"To what, Gale?" I argue. "What is Peeta trying to do, since you know so much about him?"

"And you do? He's going to end up breaking your heart," he snarls. "And that's all I need to know."

"You don't know the first damn thing about Peeta," I fire back. "If anything, I'm the one more likely to break his heart, knowing how I am. He's not like the other Merchant guys. Besides, it's not like I'm going to run off with him or something."

"All Merchants are the same," Gale spits.

"Really? What about Madge?" I ask.

"What about her?"

"You seem to like her well enough," I shrug.

"I do," he concedes. "But the girls are just as bad as the boys."

"But you got to know her well enough, didn't you?" I ask. "And I didn't turn into an asshole with you over it. You forget that my mother's a Merchant too? Is she like them?

Gale combs his fingers through his hair.

"It's different, Katniss," he sighs.

"Why do you care who I like? Who I go with?"

He furrows his eyebrows then. "You're going with Peeta?"

I growl in frustration.

"No! But why should it matter to you or Peeta's mom, or anyone else whether we go together?"

"Because that's just the way things are!"

"The way things are?" I argue. "This whole thing about Merchants and Seams...it's bullshit! It's complete bullshit, and you know it."

He calms. "Katniss...how can you be so naive?"

I frown deeply.

"Now I'm naive?" I huff. "After all the shit I've been through, you're going to call me naive?"

"Katniss, I didn't mean it like that," he argues. "I just mean that you don't know what you've started."

"I do know what I've started," I say. "Gale...I don't need you to protect me. I can take care of myself..."

"I know that," he says. "But I'm gonna look after you anyway, stubborn-ass. I just don't want you getting hurt."

"I won't," I say, then suddenly, I feel a pang of guilt and tears wet my eyes. "Look, Gale, I know that what we have is complicated, that you feel things for me...but I've never...I feel things around Peeta that I-I've...tried to feel for you, and-"

"Katniss...it's okay," Gale interrupts. "If that's what you feel, then who am I to argue? For a while I just hoped..."

He trails off.

"Gale...I'm not saying that I know for sure right now," I explain. "Maybe one day we'll both know what we feel for each other for sure. I think we just need time to figure it out. All I know right now is that being around Peeta is good for me. You're always going to be my hunting partner, yeah?"

He nods. "Yeah."

"You're my best friend, Gale. I don't want to lose that."

"Me neither."

With that, he leans in and kisses my cheek.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Catnip," he grins.

I'm relieved to see him smile. This lets me know that things are sort of back to normal between us. Well, as normal as we can manage.

He leaves my room, and I sigh. I look over at Peeta's letter, and I pick it up again.

I reread it, and I feel that stirring in my heart again, that feeling that I'm so completely afraid of. Then, I think about Gale, and our friendship, and his kiss to my cheek.

It burns against my flesh. It is pleasant, but, I don't feel anything. It doesn't stir my heart.

Actually, what I do feel is so far away and inconsequential, that it comes and goes like a wisp of pollen in the air. Right now, I just don't feel those things for Gale that I do for Peeta. It's frustrating because I feel as though I'm betraying Gale, betraying what we've built. I feel like this different person feeling the things I'm feeling for Peeta. I don't know this person that allows these...silly emotions to cloud her logic.

Prim comes upstairs after saying goodbye to Gale, and she tosses her book bag onto her bed.

"What's that?" Prim asks.

"Nothing," I say. "You have homework to do."

I hear her groan.

"Hey, no complaints, Little Duck," I say as I set the letter aside and come over to her.

"Why does it even matter, Katty?" She asks. "Why even bother knowing all this junk if we're just going to die anyways?"

I furrow my eyebrows at her. "Hey...what gave you such a dumb idea?"

She lies back in bed. "It's true and you know it."

I do know it. All too well...but I'm not going to let Prim use it to worm her way out of doing her homework.

She can be manipulative when she wants to be, and I figure it's part of her being twelve. She's tricky, hormonal, and emotional, and I feel like she's starting to wake up to the reality of this place. She's not that innocent little kid anymore. The day is fast approaching where she won't be my Little Duck anymore.

"I know, but for right now...homework."

She growls in frustration and opens her bag.

"Hey, no attitude," I warn, and she calms.

She begins to work, and then I go downstairs.

I find my mother in the kitchen where she is beginning to make dinner.

I lean up against the wash basin.

"What's the matter?" Mom asks.

"Why didn't you tell me about Peeta's mom calling you?"

She looks at me. "I didn't want to alarm you. I've seen how happy you've been lately, and I didn't want to ruin that, but then I noticed how hurt you've been looking, and I just assumed that Peeta told you about it."

I nod.

"He gave me a letter today," I say. "That's how I found out what his mom did. She beat him, Mom."

Mom looks at me, shocked.

"Oh my God," she distresses. "Is he alright?"

"Yeah," I say. "I think."

Mom nods, and then she puts her hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry this is happening," she says. "I heard your conversation with Gale. Do you really like Peeta?"

Somehow, the question makes me more uncomfortable when she asks it. Mom and I don't do personal, add to that the fact that we've never had a conversation about boys period, and I'm hesitant to talk to her about any of it.

"I-I think I do," I answer. "I feel things for him that I've never felt before...feelings that I like. He asked me if I would go with him...I'm scared."

My mom smiles, and she leans up against the counter.

"I figured that there was something brewing between you two," she smiles. "He's a nice young man. He's like his father."

"Yeah," I agree. "He's so...good, Mom. The way his mom treats him...and his brothers...it's sick because he does nothing to deserve it, and he still loves her, even though she doesn't deserve that. And I feel like if we keep up what we're doing, that she's going to continue hurting him. I don't want that to happen because of me."

"Katniss, her abusing him has nothing to do with you," Mom assures me. "It's just an excuse. She's always been a little...off."

"Even still," I say. "I just...I don't know what to do. I want to keep seeing him, and he wants to keep seeing me..."

"Then why don't you?" She asks, as if it's the most simple solution.

I look at her.

"When I fell in love with your father, I was initially afraid of what everyone would think," she explains. "My father, your grandfather, didn't want me to marry your dad. But I knew that I wouldn't be happy otherwise. I didn't want that kind of regret. You can't help who you fall in love with. I guess what I'm trying to say is that at the end of the day, if it's meant to be, nothing will stop it, and it will be strong enough to overcome anything."

It makes sense, and I consider her words.

She leans in and kisses my forehead, then she goes back to making dinner.