Never Be Mine

By: Michelle Rose Landau

Summary: The only way she'll notice me, the only way I'll know she's interested either way, is if I just talk to her...Love, sex, marriage, and family in 12.

Genre: Romance/AU; there's still Hunger Games, but Katniss and Peeta won't be Tributes.

Pairing(s)/Characters: eventual Peeta/Katniss, Gale/Katniss, Gale/Madge, OC/Tributes

Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games series. They are the sole creative property of Suzanne Collins.

~thirteen~

The last week has been a blur of anxiety, work, and restlessness for me. All last week, I had to pry myself away from Katniss, and I had to write her the letter to let her know what was happening because the look of hurt and confusion in her eyes was too much for me. I couldn't stand to see her like that, especially when us spending time together was so new.

Since then, I've been completely miserable. I constantly replay her voice in my head just so that I can hear it.

I miss her.

I'm so tired, but I just carry on anyway: I get up, prep at the bakery, go to school, then get to work on time in the afternoon. During this time, I've been waiting for Katniss' decision. We've been dutifully avoiding each other, like Mom wants because she hears everything from the other girls at school, and their mothers.

Damn women. Damn girls.

Mom has been keeping a close eye on me. I seem to be something of a bad omen because now Arden and Sal are on the outs with their girls, so they're pissed.

Arden and Jorleny had a huge argument, and Sal and Constance are currently off after mom and some of the other women's malicious gossip pissed off the Fills. Constance is as sweet a girl as they come, bright too; she'd be a good wife to Sal, and Jorleny is just as sweet. I like them both, but they're wise to question whether they can endure a lifetime of my mother.

I honestly think that Mom will outlive all of us, she's so damned mean.

After work, Arden, Sal, and I gather upstairs.

Sal sighs, looking at me. "Peeta...you sure you love Katniss? I know you've had a crush on her for years, but...you sure you're in love? I mean, you and Zulee seemed like you were on your way to being set and-"

"I love Katniss," I interrupt. "I'm in love with her."

Sal nods.

"I always thought she was Gale Hawthorne's girl...seemed like they were on their way to being set," Sal mentions. "Does she even feel the same way about you?"

That's what I'm waiting to hear from her. I know that she feels something, she's confirmed that much, but I just don't know what, exactly. Part of me is confident that she's going to say yes, that she'll go with me, but the rational part of me is preparing for the possibility that she's come to her senses, and that she will say no, and go for what's familiar: Gale. It would make things a hell of a lot easier for both of us.

I'll have the comfort and memories of our short time...kind of together, and Katniss can be happy with Gale. As long as she's happy, I will gladly try to move on.

One of the things that I've heard of late between my mother and some of the other mothers in the bakery is praise for my mother:

"Thank goodness you stopped your boy from doing something incredibly stupid..."

"Can you imagine the shame of being linked with Seam rats? Ugh, I think I'd strangle my boy if he ever married a Seam girl..."

"Peeta is sixteen and his hormones are raging...the Everdeen girl is quite pretty, but there's plenty other girls who are just as, if not prettier than her. He'll get over her. He only thinks he loves her...it's just puppy love."

"Good for you for putting the Everdeens in their place...that Katniss girl would ruin your family for sure..."

I pisses me off, it really does because they say it right in front of me and my brothers. They talk about me like I'm not right in front of them, taking their money and handing them their orders. I don't say anything, of course, nor do I look angry, I continue to smile and be cordial, but in my head, I'm calling them all kinds of names that I never thought I was capable of calling women. I respect women, but my headspace doesn't seem to realize that.

Through all of this, Dad has remained silent. He hasn't said a word, and I wonder what he thinks about this happening.

He's kind of in a rough spot because I know he loves my mother. He loves her in a way that I will probably never understand, and he wants to keep her happy. Sure, there have been times when he's had to reign her in, especially when she went too far when she hit us, but most of the time, he just allows her to do what she does.

Most people do in town.

That's why my brothers and I are so obedient. We know that Mom isn't quite right, and we don't know what to call it other than that.

Only Sal really knows the reason, the cause, but he and Dad have never enlightened me and Arden.

Honestly, I don't really want to know.

"You don't even know for sure if she feels the same way," Arden says. "She's giving you nothing to go on here, so how do you even know if she's worth all this? How do you know she's not playing games with you?"

"She's not," I say. "And Katniss is worth going through anything for."

"Of course you're going to say that, you love her," Sal says calmly. "It's making you crazy, Peet. You've put everything on the table, and she's still holding back."

"Look, Katniss is the most genuine girl I've ever known," I defend. "She's...innocent."

And I mean that literally and figuratively.

The implication that Katniss is somehow trying to manipulate me, or anyone else, is so ridiculous, so laughable because she can't do it. She has no guile.

I mean, this is a girl who is uncomfortable in a dress that is just barely above her knees. This is a girl who wears sweaters...in the summer over her blouses because she doesn't want to show her arms. Katniss is so unsure of herself in so many ways.

She's never even allowed Gale to do more than hug her.

It's ironic that she knows so much and yet knows so little.

She hunts, treks in the woods, takes risks, but she's so sweet and naive in a lot of ways.

Everything is simple to her. It's either black or white to her. She can't handle confusion, or uncertainty.

She's going to make a decision either way.

"I believe you," Sal says.

"She's very sweet," I say, and my brothers look at me doubtfully. They know and have heard enough about her to know that she's not exactly...warm.

Katniss is often surly and brooding and silent. Her mood usually puts people off, but not Gale, and certainly not me. She's not much for expression. When we were spending time together, she mostly listened.

"In her own way," I amend.

"Mom will lighten up," Sal assures. "Look Peeta, if Katniss tells you she feels the same way...then you've got a decision to make. You know mom's going to make all our lives a living hell, but yours especially. You better know what the hell you're getting into little brother. It's not just Mom. It's everyone here in town. Mom's just mean enough to even put you out."

"I know," I say.

"And you two have got to take the Reaping into account," he reminds me. "Are you even prepared for that kind of heartbreak if one or both of you gets reaped? Really think about what you're doing."

Sal leaves and goes to his room.

After a while, Arden goes to bed, and I settle in for another restless night.

I replay Katniss' voice in my head, I think about how she she blushes, I think about those stunning, soulful gray eyes behind coy lashes, her pillowy, pouty lips that are always prepared to frown. I think about what it would be like to kiss her, to hold her in my arms...I think about the fact that she's so straight-laced and modest, and wonder what her body looks like, probably for the millionth time. I've thought about her in that way, and I've woken up with soiled sheets and underwear.

I used to feel guilty about it, I used to feel dirty and disrespectful, but I got over it. I really can't help if my imagination gets a little carried away. I've had to relive myself in the shower on several occasions thinking about her, or other girls. It's always so vivid.

The furthest I've ever gone with a girl is heavy make out sessions and some touching-with clothes on, of course.

Sex is something that is always off on the sidelines in my mind, ever present, but not yet acted upon. But it's there, tempting, driving my very active fantasies, fueling the hormones that, as of late, have been much discussed.

I've never given much thought as to when I'll have sex. But when I picture the event happening in my mind, I see myself tangled up and naked with Katniss. It's her legs I see, her lips I kiss, her moans I hear, her eyes I look into.

It sounds possessive, and a little odd, but I want to be her first and only. Likewise, I want her to be my first and only.

I don't want anyone else.

I can't want anyone else. My heart won't allow me, and I realize that Sal is right.

Mom won't be happy if Katniss decides she wants to go with me, and the Reaping is also hanging over our heads.

I don't know if I am prepared for that moment.

I doze off, then wake up again a couple of hours later. I am exhausted, and before I know it, it's time to get up for school.

It's the same routine between Katniss and I. She just stares at something else, doesn't even come near me in class, and at lunch, she is by Gale and her friends.

She and Gale seem like they're back on an even keel.

After school, I'm on my way out, but I stop when I see Gale approaching me.