All for the Love of Maple Syrup
Letters from Matthew - Semester 2
1/7/11
Dear mom,
We made it back safely. Our trip was surprisingly uneventful. Al didn't get stuck in anything or walk off and leave me behind or find some random animal and try to bring it home with us. Amazingly, he didn't get arrested either.
He did think he saw a UFO at one point. He got so excited that I didn't have the heart to tell him it was just a balloon. He rambled on about aliens for about an hour after that, and then went on to something about Texas and Mexico (or maybe it was New Mexico, I wasn't really paying attention by that point).
The only eventful thing that happened was when we got back to the apartment to find everyone out on the "lawn" (which is really the curb and part of the road, though there's a patch of grass between the building and sidewalk). Apparently Arthur set fire to his kitchen so everyone was outside waiting for the firefighters to finish putting it out.
And so, as I am writing this letter, Al is turning the couch into a bed so Arthur can stay with us until his room is repaired. It doesn't bother me too much, since he's a nice guy and all (even if he does have trouble remembering my name and telling the difference between me and Al). It's just that I'd be much less annoyed if Al would ask before doing stuff like this.
I hope this isn't a warning for how crazy things are going to be this semester.
We might be getting new neighbours soon, if I heard Al correctly. He was shoving hamburgers into his mouth at the time, so I was having trouble understanding him. Arthur was also yelling at him to mind his manners and to stop talking with his mouth full. I should record him one of these days so I can play it back to Al when Arthur isn't around. Though that might just make him laugh. He doesn't listen to Arthur anyway.
Love,
Matthew
1/15/11
Dear mom,
Alfred keeps telling people I'm from "Canadia". I don't know whether to laugh or hit him. Not too hard! Just enough to make him stop. Ivan (my hockey buddy) was around the last time Al said it and he hasn't stopped teasing me about it since. If he keeps it up, I might have to let it slip to Al that Ivan's Russian.
Also, I found out we are getting new neighbours. The first of them arrived the other day. They moved in upstairs across from Roderich (the piano-playing Austrian). They're a family of four - a grandfather and his three grandsons. From Italy, I think.
I've only heard a little about them from Kiku, who was chosen as the welcome wagon. I'm sure me and Al will have to greet the next set of newcomers. Al's hoping for a group of girls. I'm hoping for someone who's relatively sane. (Having another Canadian around would be great.)
Love,
Matthew
1/17/11
Dear Gilbert,
Yes, I got the picture of you. You know there's a bird on your head, right?
No, I will not help you get revenge on Alfred. I don't care if he did lock you on my roof while you were in only your boxers. You should know better than to take part in stupid dares. I also will not take a picture of him in an awkward position/situation and give it to you, so stop asking. I know he can be annoying, but could you please try to get along with him for my sake?
Don't annoy Ludwig too much. I won't be there to rescue you if he sets Berlitz and Blackie on you again.
-Matthew
1/23/11
Dear mom,
Classes have started back and I've met the rest of our new neighbours. I'll start with the Italians upstairs.
The grandfather is an interesting guy. He obviously loves his grandsons very much. He wouldn't stop rambling about how cute they are when I slipped past him and Francis (our landlord) in the hall.
The oldest of the grandsons is Lovino and he goes to college with me and Al and some of the others. He's very… angry. His younger brother is Feliciano, who's in his last year of high school. The youngest is either their half-brother or cousin and he's getting ready to go into high school. His name is Marco.
On the floor with me and Al we have two new neighbours - a pair of siblings. One of them is actually Ivan, my hockey buddy. The other is his big sister Katyusha, who seems to be the complete opposite of her brother. She burst into tears when I gave her a plate of cookies. Ivan assured me that this is a normal reaction for her.
Though Al's happy to see another girl in this place, he's not very happy to have Ivan as a neighbour. I didn't realize how much they don't get along.
There's no one new on the first floor. I think the landlord is saving a few rooms for some of his family. Or for when Arthur sets his kitchen on fire again. Though if that's the case, then why is Arthur still sleeping on our couch?
That's all I have to report. Classes are going well so far. I can't wait to get through general courses.
Love,
Matthew
1/24/11
Dear Gilbert,
I wasn't calling you crazy! Where did you get that idea! I'm sending the picture back so you can see for yourself that there really is a bird on your head. I know you. You probably sent me your only copy.
-Matthew
2/1/11
Dear Gilbert,
You named it Gilbird? Why am I not surprised.
Yes, it's very cute.
I'm sorry I'm missing your birthday this year. I promise I'll send you a present, even if it means making Al pay for the window he broke by himself. (I got a new part time job for this semester)
This does not mean you can miss my birthday. You know I wish I could be there to smash your face into your cake like you did to me last year. Be glad I'm not there to get revenge.
-Matthew
2/4/11
Dear mom,
Al broke a window kicking a football ("soccer ball" he says) around inside the other week, so I'm back to working part time so we can get it fixed.
Gilbert's already bugging me about what I'm getting him for his birthday. I told him I already bought something even though I didn't. I haven't had time to go look around. I also have no idea where to start. Maybe I should ask Ludwig. He should have some idea of what Gilbert wants. And if I don't like the idea, I can get something different.
Today Al dragged me to McDonald's for lunch. Kiku tagged along and the two spent the entire time discussing the difference between the American McDonald's and the Japanese McDonald's. I decided to stay quiet about the ones back home with the maple leaf on the sign. It would just send Al into a rant.
Love,
Matthew
2/5/11
Dear Ludwig,
This is Matthew. Gilbert's best friend.
Please don't tell Gilbert, but I actually haven't picked out his present yet. I was wondering if you have any ideas about what he might like.
Sincerely,
Matthew
2/11/11
Dear mom,
Don't worry, I figured out what to get Gilbert and sent it out earlier today. I also sent Ludwig a "thank you" note.
We got the apartment window fixed, but now Al's talking about getting a pet. Ivan jokingly suggested Arthur, since he's still living on our couch, but that only started up a fight between the three of them. I tried to stop them, but eventually gave up and went to make pancakes. (We're starting to run low on maple syrup, by the way.)
Also, Lovino (the oldest of the Italian brothers) has started hiding out in our room when he's annoyed with people. I'm just glad he has the decency to knock and wait for someone to open the door before he walks in. Apparently the Spanish guy from upstairs (whose name is Antonio, I finally learned) has taken a liking to him and keeps showing up with gifts of tomatoes. He says he can't hide out in his own room because the rest of his family finds it "cute" and lets Antonio inside when he shows up. (Sounds like Nikolai, Isak, and Søren, doesn't it? Except Isak lets Søren in because he thinks it's funny.)
Not much else is going on except the usual dread of Valentines Day. If Gilbert pulls another crazy stunt this year you'll tell me, right?
Love,
Matthew
P.S. Just you wait. The twenty-fourth is coming and this time my Maple Leafs are gonna kick the Canadiens' butts!
2/13/11
Dear Gilbert,
No, you can't change your birthday just because it's the date of Prussia's official dissolution. I know it's your favourite country.
Don't you dare drive down here just so I can make you pancakes on your birthday! I mean it!
-Matthew
2/21/11
Dear dad,
No thanks. The last time I watched American football with you and Al, you both made fun of me for asking questions about the game. And referring to hockey as "that Canadian shit"? Really? Was that necessary?
You and Al can watch all the American football you want, but leave me out of it.
Love,
Matthew
2/21/11
Dear mom,
Al's full name cannot seriously be "Alfred Freedom Jones". That would be like my name being "Matthew Maple Williams" or something ridiculous like that! I just want to settle this once and for all. I know no one believes him (except for maybe Kiku, but he can be kind of gullible) but it'd be nice to be able to tell people what his middle name really is. I'd ask dad, but he'd probably play along with Al.
I hope Gilbert isn't driving you too crazy. I'm sorry I'm not there to help with "Awesome Pancake Week". I'm sure his requests are as outrageous as always.
Love,
Matthew
2/24/11
Dear mom,
Ha! Take that! My Maple Leafs won! My team is awesome!
Love,
Matthew
2/25/11
Dear Gilbert,
I know this won't reach you on the right day (since I'm sending it on your birthday). I also know that if I don't do it this way, you'd complain that I cheated or something.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GILBERT!
Now you can legally drink and won't have to crash at my house to avoid a lecture from your dad and Ludwig.
-Matthew
P.S. I do not appreciate the huge bouquet of flowers you sent me on Valentines Day as a joke. Why do you do things like this? Al and Ivan (my hockey buddy) won't stop teasing me about it.
3/2/11
Dear mom,
Today, we went to the zoo.
By the way, if you ever hear Al say something along the lines of "I've got a great idea", don't agree to whatever he says. Even things that sound normal and fun and harmless turn into a complete disaster in the hands of Alfred F. Jones.
So, our trip to the zoo started at seven o'clock this morning. It was supposed to just be me, Al, Kiku, Arthur and Ivan, but somehow Yong Soo (our Korean neighbour) found out and decided to tag along. He dragged Leon with him. (Leon's one of our Chinese neighbours, in case you've forgotten. He's Yao's younger brother.) Then, when we were trying to find a second car to take, Lovino stormed by with Antonio following him. Antonio apparently found the trip to the zoo amazing and invited himself and Lovino along. I guess that turned out for the best, since he volunteered his car.
The ride there was chaos. I'm never getting in a car with Alfred behind the wheel again.
Arthur got to sit in the passenger's seat. I got stuck between Yong Soo and Leon. I didn't mind sitting next to Leon. He's very quiet and respects people's personal space. Yong Soo, on the other hand, doesn't know the meaning of the word "no" and couldn't decided which of us he'd rather annoy.
I switched with Kiku for the ride back. I'm still not sure whether Antonio's driving was better or worse than Al's, but at least I got to sit next to Ivan and talk about hockey and the Olympics and the amusing things that happened while we were at the zoo.
Speaking of which, here's a brief summary of what happened while we were there:
First, Antonio latched himself to Lovino and dragged him off to look around. We didn't see them again until lunch, when we met up to get pizza. The rest of us stayed together. Al and Arthur spent most of the time bickering while Kiku was stuck trying to get them to stop without picking a side. Yong Soo behaved, to my surprise. Leon was the same as always. Ivan goaded Arthur and Al, but I expected that.
Arthur got attacked by a bird of prey. I think it was an eagle. Al lost his cell phone to an alligator pit and then cracked a Steve Irwin joke. Yong Soo spent twenty minutes trying to teach a parrot to curse in Korean before he got caught by a zookeeper. At one point Leon stole Kiku's camera and took nearly 100 pictures of the pandas. Ivan got something thrown at him by a monkey. As for me, I got stalked by a polar bear, which was slightly cool but weird at the same time.
On our way back, we stopped at McDonalds for dinner, courtesy of Al.
And that was our trip to the zoo.
Love,
Matthew
3/14/11
Dear mom,
Things have been a little less crazy and a little more depressing around here lately. Kiku came down with a bad cold on the 11th, and on top of that he's been worried about his mom, who's still in Japan. He hasn't heard from her since the earthquake.
Al and Arthur have been staying with him, making sure he's eating right and taking medicine to get better. Everyone else is also helping. Yao and Francis are taking care of the cooking. They've been making so much food that they're pretty much feeding the entire building.
Heracles (our Greek neighbour) brought down his army of cats and spent most of one morning chatting quietly with Kiku while the cats slept around them. Things were okay until Sadik (Heracles' Turkish roommate) arrived to try his hand at distracting Kiku but only started arguing with Heracles. Yao kicked them and the cat army out.
I guess we've all been taking shifts to make sure he's never alone for long. We give him space when he asks for it, of course. So far he's only asked to be left alone twice, one time when it was Al's turn and another when Yong Soo was there. (That's understandable; those two can be overwhelming at times.) I'm getting ready to go over there. I was thinking about making pancakes for him, but then I thought it might be better if I ask him what he wants.
Time to go drag Al away from Kiku's extensive video game system and remind him he has to go to work.
Love,
Matthew
3/21/11
Dear mom,
Today I found out we have a backyard. Though it's not so much a backyard as it is Antonio's tomato garden and Francis' rose patch. There's also a billion little birds that flutter around and raise a ruckus when Al pitches a baseball through the plants on accident. At least it wasn't a window this time.
Kiku got in touch with him mom a few days ago. He's still got a cold, but it's not as bad as before. At least he can get up and walk around now.
Arthur has finally moved back downstairs, so we have our couch back. It's nice to wake up and not have to tiptoe around to avoid waking him up or worry about coming home to find him in the kitchen. I also don't have to deal with him fussing with Al while I'm trying to do homework as often.
Things are finally calming down.
Love,
Matthew
3/26/11
Dear mom,
Guess who showed up at the apartment today. I'll give you a hint: he's got white hair, red eyes, and constantly refers to himself as "awesome".
Yeah, that's right. Gilbert.
He shows up here, harasses Francis, mistakes Al for me (Ha! Finally!), becomes friends with Antonio, makes enemies of Roderich, and gets fed pasta by Feliciano all in an hour before he finally found my room. Then he shoves past me once I open the door, drops his bags on the floor, and demands pancakes. I was getting ready to make some anyway, so it wasn't too big of a deal. Besides, that's Gilbert's standard greeting for me anyway.
What really bothers me is what he said next.
"Pack your bags, Birdie! You and me are going to New Prussia!"
Which leaves me to figure out who told him about New Prussia and why. It can't have been his brother. Ludwig knows better than anyone the consequences of telling him about something like that.
I guess it doesn't matter. It was only a matter of time before he found out.
I promised him we'd take a trip there this summer. I don't have time to go running around Ontario right now. And really, neither does he. I get the feeling the only reason he's here is because he did something dumb and is avoiding a lecture. I'll call Ludwig in a bit and let him know Gilbert's here.
Al just got home, so I'm going to go make sure him and Gilbert don't kill each other.
Love,
Matthew
3/31/11
Dear mom,
Gilbert finally left today. I'd rather not detail the craziness that went on while he was here. Let's just say that he, Antonio, and Francis are a force to be reckoned with when they team up.
I'm just glad he came down here while I was on spring break. Really glad. It gave me the perfect excuse to avoid dad. He keeps making fun of me for watching hockey.
Love,
Matthew
4/5/11
Gilbert,
You fucking hoser! You jinxed my team again! I ask you to do one thing! ONETHING! And you don't! "Wear blue," I said. But no. You didn't!
Fuck you, Gilbert!
Fuck you and your dogs! And your brother! And… and… FUCK YOU!
Hoser.
-Matthew
P.S. Oh maple. This is why I don't write letters during/after watching hockey. You are never ever reading this letter. I'm burning it. Seriously. Burning this. Right. Now.
4/11/11
Dear Gilbert,
I am so, so, so sorry you got that last letter. I was going to burn it! Really! But then I just crumpled it up and threw it away instead! And then Al found it and sent it off and didn't tell me until I got your reply letter!
I am so sorry, Gil! I really am!
Please burn it.
-Matthew
P.S. Apparently I really terrified Al this time. He avoided me for a whole two days. Makes sense, considering who my Maple Leafs were up against.
4/18/11
Dear Gilbert,
Why?
Just… why?
I don't even know what to do after reading your last letter. You can't be serious. Please tell me you're not serious.
I just…
Why?
-Matthew
4/19/11
Dear mom,
Gilbert sent me a really weird letter the other day. I don't know whether to take it seriously or not. He says next year he's planning to attend college down here. As in, at the same college as me.
Oh, maple! I don't think I could handle that! I mean, I know he's my best friend and all and it'd be great to see him more, but I'm not sure how I feel about living in the same building as him. Especially with Al and Ivan and Francis and Antonio also in the building. That sounds disastrous.
Okay. I can deal with this.
Please send more maple syrup. I'm down to my last bottle.
Love,
Matthew
4/22/11
Dear Gilbert,
I'm so sad to hear you were just joking.
No. Not really. Please stay in Canada. Trust me, you're better off staying away from America. Next year can't be over fast enough for me. I will happily live in Canada for the rest of my life.
-Matthew
4/25/11
Dear mom,
Just a few weeks left. I've already agreed to spend two weeks here with dad and Al before I return home. Al's decided to stay here for a while longer and join us towards the end of June. He promised to be there at least a week before our birthday, but knowing Al he'll either arrive June 30th or several weeks before.
I was looking forward to him meeting Aussie, Wy, and Kiwi for the first time, but then I realized they're from dad's side of the family so they've already met. Maybe I'll get an interesting show from Isak and Nikolai when they meet. Though it may just be Søren's reaction to him that will be fun.
Wish me luck dealing with dad and Al for two weeks?
Love,
Matthew
4/30/11
Dear mom,
Final exams are coming up. Once again, Al is procrastinating while everyone else is trying to study. Well, everyone except Ivan, who seems to be just as bad.
Oh yeah, Al witnessed my "hockey fan mode" a while back. He avoided me for a whole two days.
Am I really that scary? He didn't react this badly when we played a one-on-one match.
Love,
Matthew
5/6/11
Dear mom,
Today Al got attacked by "kitler" when he got back from his exam. The cat's okay, but Al got a few good scratches. Right now he's sulking because Kiku refused to help bandage him up and is instead hanging out with our Greek neighbour. Al tried to make me do it, but then changed his mind when I got out the bottle of rubbing alcohol.
On the bright side, he doesn't want a pet cat anymore.
Exams are over now. On Monday, Al and I are driving down to stay with dad for two weeks. Then I get to drive back by myself. I was thinking about staying in the apartment for a few days before I go home. It'd be nice to spend time with Ivan without Al around to pick a fight with him.
I'll let you know when I'm coming home.
Love,
Matthew
5/24/11
Dear mom,
Okay, I'll admit it. I had fun with dad and Al. I was expecting to be picked on every day because of my "Canadian-ness" but they only made a few jokes. And Al didn't pick every activity for us this time!
We went on a fishing and camping trip one weekend. Al got smacked in the face by a fish and nearly lost his glasses. Dad jumped in the river with his sunglasses on his head and it got swept away by the current. A bear also walked through our camp. We saw it when we were coming back from our hike. Don't worry, we'd stayed back a safe distance and waited until we were sure it was gone.
We went to an amusement park too! Al dragged me to a haunted house and got so scared that he cut off the circulation in my arm. Then he ran out of the building screaming. I don't understand why he keeps doing that to himself. He does the same thing when he makes me watch horror movies with him. Some of them aren't even scary! And he's terrified of Casper the friendly ghost! We watched it once and he spent the night buried in blankets on the couch with the overhead light on and a flashlight in his hand.
We did a bunch of other stuff too. Movies, bowling, mini golf, grocery shopping… You'd be amazed at how quickly a trip to the grocery store can turn into a crazy adventure. We must have lost dad five times in one hour because he kept getting distracted and wandered off.
But now I'm going to take a few days to relax.
Tomorrow I'm going to a park with Ivan and Katyusha. Katyusha wants to have a picnic and neither of us can say no when she asks for something. I also get to meet their younger sister for the first time. I haven't heard much about her, so I don't know what to expect.
Yong Soo and Leon want to have a movie night soon, so I guess that's what I'll be doing the day after tomorrow. And since Francis has been asking to spend time with me for so long, I figured I might as well give in just this once. Besides, Arthur, Yao, and Ivan are going with us. I feel safer that way.
So it looks like I'll be coming home next Monday.
Love,
Matthew
5/24/11
Dear Gilbert,
I'll be home on the 30th. I promise. Then we'll have a whole month to plan our trip to New Prussia.
-Matthew
6/1/11
Dear Alfred,
Don't forget you promised to at least be up here by the 25th of this month! This is the first time we get to celebrate our birthday together, so don't be late! Mom says you can invite a few friends. I'm inviting Ivan and Katyusha. Gilbert too, of course. (Though he's practically family, so he doesn't count.)
-Matthew
P.S. "A few friends" does not mean the entire apartment building. It means less than five. (Please don't invite Francis. I'd rather he not find out where my home is.)
END 2nd Semester (aka end of Mattie's letters)
- Nikolai and Isak are Matthew's cousins (from his mom's side of the family). Søren is Nikolai's friend. (Nikolai is Norway, Isak is Iceland, and Søren is Denmark.)
- Aussie, Wy, and Kiwi = Australia, Wy, and New Zealand, of course! They're from the Jones side of the family. I was too lazy to come up with a cuter nickname for Wy, so I didn't change it. (Kiwi is possibly the most adorable nickname EVER. I'm so glad I finally got to use it!)
- For those who don't watch hockey, on April 5, 2011 the Toronto Maple Leafs played against the Washington Capitals and lost. Thus, Mattie's rage towards Alfred, who was probably rooting for the American team without realizing just how much of a nut Mattie is during hockey season. Their colors are blue and white. (I'm a Caps fan, so I was pretty happy about the match. It was fun to watch.)
Also, I need to look up more Canadian insults so I don't overuse the word "hoser" like I did in this one. Mattie needs to be a little more creative than that.
Quick note:
February 25, 1947 is the date of Prussia's official dissolution by the Allied Control Council.
The reason I chose this day for Gilbert's birthday is partially because of the sick humor I possess and partly thanks to a mistake on a list of birthdays I found, which listed Prussia's birthday as February 18. I'd remembered that he ceased being a country sometime in February and thought it'd be horrible for that day to be his birthday. It should be JANUARY 18th, which is when Prussia went from being a duchy to a kingdom.
Poor Gilbert.
So this is it for Letters from Matthew. I'm considering retitling this story as 'All for the Love of Maple Syrup' and continuing it with stuff like "E-mails With Alfred and Arthur" and "Diary of the Awesome Me", as well as various one-shots. Or maybe I'll separate the E-mails and Diary into separate stories and put the one-shots under "All for the Love of Maple Syrup". What do you guys think?
For now I'll label it as "complete" since I'll be focusing on a few other things for a bit. I'm not quite done with this series yet. I'm definitely writing about Mattie's first trip across town and the trip to New Prussia with Gilbert.