All for the Love of Maple Syrup
Diary of the Awesome Me
Part 1
12/28/10
Dear Diary,
Well, Mattie got me this for Christmas saying something about me needing something to vent to. (Whatever that means.)
My name's Gilbert Beilschmidt and no, it's not fucking girly for a man to have a diary. It's very manly! Mattie has one too!
Fuck. Mattie's probably not the best example. He kind of looks like a girl sometimes. Acts like one too.
Okay, so I introduced myself. Now what?
I've got a little brother named Ludwig who isn't nearly as awesome as I am. He's taller than me and super serious. (I call him 'West', since he was born in western Germany and I was born in eastern Germany - Berlin, to be exact.) The only time I see him smile is when he's out taking care of the dogs. We've got three of 'em. Blackie, a German shepherd; Aster, a golden retriever; and Berlitz, a Doberman.
Our old man's always busy nowadays but that's okay. He was around a lot when we were kids. He taught us all sorts of awesome stuff! And he's the reason I met Birdie.
Mattie's real name is Matthew Williams. (Though I call him 'Mattie' and sometimes 'Birdie'.) He's a total Canadian. Kind of a pushover, unless it's hockey season. He's fucking scary when he watches hockey. Even the awesome me isn't immune to his rage. We've lived next door to him and his mom since we moved from Germany. (Birdie's a total momma's boy. Won't say or do anything she might disapprove of. But he's not as bad as he used to be. My awesomeness has rubbed off on him over the years!)
He's probably my best friend. He puts up with my shit and makes the most awesome pancakes in the world, though he swears Mutti makes better ones. (Heh, known him for so long I call his mom "Mutti". Mein gott, she might as well be.) He pretends to be annoyed when I sneak into his room and rearrange his furniture, but I know he secretly likes it because it means he hasn't been forgotten. Like I could ever forget him! Birdie is almost as awesome as I am. He also helped me get out of trouble when we were in school. Sometimes. Not all the time. He said something about me needing to bail myself out of trouble once or twice, but even then he gave me advice so really he was still helping me. He bailed me out of jail once too. Birdie thinks it's because I got caught sneaking into a bar when I'm underage, but what really happened is that I beat the hell out of this guy for talking shit about Mattie. (I hope Mattie never finds out about that.)
So yeah. That's about it.
Oh wait! Okay, so Mattie has this twin brother (that he only recently found out about after his high school graduation) who thinks he's awesome but he's really not. His name's Alfred and he's American. And that's all I want to say about him.
~The Awesome Me
12/31/10
Dear Diary,
Today, I was awesome!
Well, Mattie was too, but not as much as I was! We kicked Al and West's asses at a snowball fight! It was great! Now we're going to light up the fireplace and roast marshmallows and hot dogs and shit. It'll be awesome.
I make the best s'mores.
Gotta go! I wanna spend the rest of the last day of the year with Birdie!
~The Awesome Me
1/3/11
Dear Diary,
Today I was once again awesome. I challenged Mattie's lame-ass brother to a game of Truth or Dare and totally got him back for calling me a creeper. But then he dared me to crawl out onto Mattie's roof and locked me out there. I was out in the cold and getting snowed on for a whole ten minutes! In only my boxers! I could've totally gotten down if I wanted to. I didn't need to. Mattie was around and he opened the window for me.
That means Mattie gets bumped up two points on my Awesome-meter! I'm at the top, of course. Birdie's pretty high up. Just under me.
Alfred and West are at 0. Though West did stop Blackie from knocking me over the other morning, so I guess he's up to 1 now. And he's also my Bruder, so I guess I should add on another 4 points. So he's at 5.
~The Awesome Me
1/5/11
Dear Diary,
Okay, so today was less-than-awesome. Mattie just now told me that him and Alfred are going back to America on the 7th! That's in 2 days! This really sucks! I didn't get to do all of the awesome stuff I wanted to do with Birdie. Not to mention I never did get my revenge on Alfred for locking me out on the roof.
West says I should just get over it and concentrate on getting ready for my new classes. So I told him to go get fucked, 'cuz maybe that will dislodge the giant stick in his ass.
What am I going to do? I thought Birdie would at least stay another week. What's so interesting about America anyway? Nothing, that's what. I guess this means I'm going to have to pay a visit to Mattie on spring break to check on him. I'm just that awesome of a friend.
~The Awesome Me
1/7/11
Dear Diary,
Birdie just left.
Today is already not awesome.
~Gilbert
1/9/11
Dear Diary,
West made me get off the couch and walk the dogs today. While I was chasing down Aster (who somehow slipped off her collar again. That damn dog is smarter than she acts sometimes) I got the most genius idea! Since I can't be down in America with Mattie, I'll send him pictures of me! It'll be awesome! Even better than that time I did a blog!
Hmm… I wonder what happened to that thing. Maybe it's still there.
Note to self: look for old blog.
Anyway, I'm gonna go hunt down the Old Man's digital camera and take a ton of pictures of me so I can send a bunch down to Mattie!
~The Awesome Me
1/10/11
Dear Diary,
Today, I was awesome. (Like always)
It turns out my old blog is still there. I don't know why I ever stopped writing it. But if I ever start it up again, I think I'll do a whole new one. I read some of the posts and they were less than awesome. In fact, I think I'll find a way to delete the whole thing and start fresh. Why allow such a blemish on my awesomeness?
I took a ton of pictures yesterday! I made West go get them printed this morning, so he'll be bringing those back after work and then I can send them off to Birdie.
~The Awesome Me
1/13/11
Dear Diary,
Today, I was once again awesome! But then, when am I not?
So the pictures of me are on their way down to Mattie right now. I hope he gets them soon.
Since there's another huge ass snowstorm coming in, I spent the day helping West and the neighbours prepare for it. Okay, so I didn't help the neighbours so much as I helped the old lady who lives across the street from us. Her son moved away last summer, so it's just her and her cats alone in the house. I think she gets lonely. So being the awesome person I am, I go over and keep her company. She makes me cookies and muffins and tells crazy stories, so she's on my awesome meter right under Birdie.
Classes start back soon. Maybe that will distract me from Birdie being gone.
~The Awesome Me
1/19/11
Dear Diary,
So I got snowed in at the old lady's house, then got called into work and had to walk there because West got snowed in where he works, then it snowed some more so I slept there until I could get a hold of West. I got back yesterday and went to visit the old lady before I came home and slept.
Birdie should've gotten my letter by now, which means I'll be getting a letter back from him soon.
The dogs are enjoying the snow. Aster jumped into a snowdrift earlier and disappeared completely. Blackie dug her out. Berlitz chased after birds, so I brought them all back inside.
Birds are awesome and shouldn't be chased.
~The Awesome Me
1/20/11
Dear Diary,
I got a letter from Matthew today. He called me crazy! Really! So I sent him back an angry letter telling him just how I feel about that.
This means his awesome points go down by five. He's now tied with the old lady across the street, whose awesome points went up by ten when she started talking about Prussia. (Which, by the way, is the most awesome country in the world. Or it was. No, you know what, it will always be the most awesome country in the world.)
So, yeah. I'm mad at Birdie.
And classes suck. I have to get up early every Monday.
~The Awesome Me
1/24/11
Dear Diary,
I'm still mad at Mattie. I don't like being mad at him, but I am. West says I should stop complaining and wait before I get a letter back from Birdie rather than keep ignoring him. This whole "only talk via written letter" thing is starting to get annoying. Really annoying.
I would text him or send him a message via face book, but that would be talking to him and I'm not talking to him right now.
One of the houses down the road went up for sale. It won't sell until winter's over. No one wants to travel out here with the threat of snowstorms. Yeah, that's right. We're getting another one. But that's completely normal. Everyone's ready for it, like always. Me and West went out and gathered firewood the other day, just in case things get icy. They probably won't. Not yet. Not until the weather starts warming up and then freezing back overnight. That's when things get really shitty.
So yeah. Things are dull. Really dull. I'm not gonna write again until something interesting happens.
~The Awesome Me
1/28/11
Dear Diary,
I got a new letter from Mattie today. So, it turns out he wasn't calling me crazy when he said there's a bird on my head. Actually, it's a really cute little bird. It's yellow and round and fluffy and adorable. I think I'm going to name it "Gilbird".
I guess this means I owe Mattie an apology.
I'll send him a nicer letter. Tell him about Gilbird. Bump him back up five points on my Awesome-meter. Maybe seven, since he pointed out Gilbird. And this also means my spring break trip to America is back on! I've got some stuff to plan, an American to plot against, and an awesome little bird to take care of.
Which reminds me, I need to tell West to bring home some bird food.
I should also go talk to Mutti. I, um, may have said a few dumb things after I got that first letter from Birdie.
~The Awesome Me
1/29/11
Dear Diary,
Today, I was awesome!
Things are cool with me and Mutti. She laughed and patted me on the head and fed me pancakes. Then she gave Gilbird some pancakes. After that I went to visit the old lady across the street so she could also bask in the awesomeness of me and Gilbird. She gave us freshly baked cookies. They were delicious.
Vater's coming home in two weeks to check in on me and West. I guess he just wants to make sure the house is still standing and that I'm taking care of Luddy. Hey, this means I'll get to introduce him to Gilbird! Well, and prove that I can be a responsible adult and blah blah blah blah, whatever the fuck else he said before he left in October.
So after visiting the old lady, I had to take the dogs for a walk. For once, Aster behaved and didn't slip out of her collar. However, Blackie did and took off running down the road after a squirrel. Yeah.
Damn dogs.
But I can't help but love 'em, especially since they make Luddy happy.
~The Awesome Me
2/2/11
Dear Diary,
Today, I was even more awesome than usual.
West slipped on the front porch and fell into a snowdrift. Thankfully I was there to pull him out and drive him to the hospital, even though he protested and said he was fine. Turns out he sprained his ankle pretty good, so ha I was right about him being hurt and he was wrong!
Damn. This means I have to walk the dogs everyday. No way is West taking those nuts out on the leashes. I know he'll try, so I'll have to watch him every second of every day. I think I'll attach bells to him or something. Or find a way to rig up an alarm clock. Those things are fucking annoying.
Well, I'm off to stop West from cleaning up anything. He wasn't too pleased about me leaving the dogs alone in the house. Aster chewed a corner of one of the pillows again and then Berlitz and Black fought over the cottony fluff inside of it and it got all over the house.
~The Awesome Me
2/5/11
Dear Diary,
Vater will be home in one week. I'm lucky West's ankle should be mostly healed by then, so he can get the house cleaned. Vater hates coming home to a messy house. Good thing mein Bruder is such a neat freak! There's no way I'm cleaning the house. Besides, Vater and West would just complain if I did. Apparently I never put things back the way they're supposed to go. Funny, Birdie complains about the exact same thing.
It will soon be the birthday of the awesome me! This will be the first year since we moved here that Mattie's not around to celebrate it with me. That's not awesome.
I'm teaching Gilbird to deliver letters to my friends! He is one awesome yellow bird. He's working his way up my Awesome-meter and proving himself worthy of my name.
~The Awesome Me
2/7/11
Dear Diary,
Vater will be home in exactly 5 days, 7 hours, and 43 minutes.
Luddy's brace comes off in exactly 4 days, 3 hours, 28 minutes, and 23 seconds. Now it's 20.
Also, getting up early sucks. I hate Mondays.
~The Awesome Me
2/8/11
Dear Diary,
I got chased around today by a crazy Hungarian girl wielding a frying pan.
….
Okay, so she's actually my other best friend. (Hey, I'm awesome enough to have more than one. Mattie's my BFFF though.) Her name's Elizaveta Héderváry. Long story short, we met in high school, I decided she was way more awesome than every other girl, we dated for a month, fought, broke up, got back together for two weeks, fought again, and then broke up for good, but we're still friends. She's about 7.5 points lower than Birdie on my Awesome-meter. Though if she'd give in and kiss that hot Belgian chick in our class she's probably shoot up about ten points. That'll never happen though.
~The Awesome Me
2/9/11
Dear Diary,
You know what's not fair? My birthday being February 25. Know why it sucks? Because it's the date of the dissolution of the most awesome country ever!
I need to rant to Mattie about this. I think I'll write him a letter.
Oh yeah, I'm planning on sending him flowers for the dreaded Valentines Day. It'll be an awesomely amusing joke.
~The Awesome Me
2/11/11
Dear Diary,
Today I was awesome!
West got his cast off today. I'm currently sitting on the couch watching him run around and clean. Kesesesese! (That's my awesome laugh, by the way.) It's always funny to watch him panic! Just wait until he finds out what I left in the bathroom!
~ The Awesome Me
.-.-.
Dear Diary,
Damn. West threatened to call Vater if I didn't clean up the food I left in the bathroom.
Cleaning isn't awesome.
~The Awesome Me
2/12/11
Dear Diary,
Me and West just got back from picking up Vater at the airport. I've got time for a quick entry before dinner.
I'm sitting across from him right now. Vater, not West. West is fixing us food. Wurst, I think. Vater's making fun of me for writing in a diary. I think he's just jealous because he doesn't have one.
~The Awesome Me
2/14/11
Dear Diary,
So, by my prediction, Birdie should have gotten my letter about my birthday by now and is writing a reply. I'm gonna predict what he'll say.
Ahem. "Oh, Gilbert, you're right! Someone as awesome as you shouldn't have to deal with this injustice! I'm sure you can change your birthday to an ever more awesome day-like January 18, the day Prussia changed from a duchy to a Kingdom!"
Yup. That's exactly what he'll say. Not like that damn frying pan wielding Hungarian. I'm not talking to her until she apologizes.
Oh yeah, today is a sucky day. My only consolation is that I can still tease Mattie, even from miles and miles and miles away.
~The Awesome Me
2/17/11
Dear Diary,
Birdie unawesomely declared that I'm not allowed to change my birthday. So now I'm going to ignore him for a bit and not tell him that I'm visiting him over spring break. I can't wait to see the look of surprise on his face when I show up~!
His present showed up today, but West hid it before I could get to it. I don't wanna wait for my birthday! It's a whole week away! It's my present. I think I should be able to decide for myself when I can open it.
I'm going to go find out where West hid it.
~The Awesome Me
2/18/11
Dear Diary,
Day two of my hunt. Still haven't found the present. But I'm not giving up! I've enlisted Elizaveta and Gilbird's help! Though Veta says she can't help me until tomorrow. Damn.
~The Awesome Me
2/19/11
Dear Diary,
Where the hell did he hide it?
~The Awesome Me
.-.-.
Dear Diary,
Today has been a weird day… So, I woke up thinking about the present from Birdie and me and Gilbird went on another search for it while West was out walking the dogs and Vater was next door talking to Mutti. Still couldn't find it. So I called Veta and she came over and we put together a plan that involved her flirting with Ludwig and using her feminine charms to get him to tell her. It would've worked if I had known one thing about my baby brother.
He's gay.
Yeah, that's right.
My little brother, Ludwig Beilschmidt, resident clean freak (who has a collection of porn beneath his bed. Pffft, you'd think he'd find a better place to hide it.) is gay.
Homosexual.
He likes guys.
How the hell did I miss this?
No, scratch that. How did Veta miss this? She's like the Queen of all things gay! (Or "yaoi" as she calls it. Whatever the fuck that means.)
This of course means that the plan failed. Though seeing Luddy turn bright red when he outed himself was totally worth it. Hell, I'm thinking that's worth a couple years of birthday presents. Especially since Veta somehow managed to get a picture.
I can't wait to tell Birdie about this! I'll wait until he comes home though. Don't wanna send any of these pictures through the mail. Like hell I'm letting my little brother's adorable blushing face get lost in the mail and fall into the hands of some pervert!
See, I can be a good older brother sometimes.
~The Awesome Me
2/22/11
Dear Diary,
AWESOME PANCAKE WEEK HAS ARRIVED!
What is AWESOME PANCAKE WEEK, you ask? Well, AWESOME PANCAKE WEEK is where Birdie's Mutti makes me pancakes whenever I want them and however I want them. (Though she did have to establish hours this year, since Birdie isn't around to help make them… No midnight-3 am pancakes this year. Actually, Mutti said to not wake her up before 7.) And yes, the capital letters are necessary. Because AWESOME PANCAKE WEEK is awesome and deserves all caps.
Well, my clock just turned to 7 am, so I'm off to get some awesome pancakes.
~The Awesome Me
2/24/11
Dear Diary,
TOMORROW'S THE BIRTHDAY OF THE AWESOME ME!
That is all.
~The Awesome Me
2/25/11
Dear Diary,
Happy birthday to me~!
West isn't allowed to hide my presents anymore, so I finally get to open them! I never did find out where he hid them… Maybe I should get him drunk so he'll tell me? That sounds like an awesome plan. Or it would if West wasn't so…so… him. He yells at me for drinking, there's no way I'll get him to have even a sip. Vater though… he may know where West's hiding place is. It's perfectly legal for me to get him drunk.
Kesesesese! Now I have an awesome plan for my awesome birthday! Time to go open my awesome presents and go get awesome pancakes from Mutti!
~The Awesome Me
2/26/11
Dear Diary,
Damn, was yesterday a great day or what? It's now 2 in the afternoon and I've just gotten up. Got a hangover too. Maybe challenging the Old Man to a drinking contest wasn't such a good idea. I'm pretty sure he got more information out of me than I did out of him. And even if he did tell me where my presents were hidden, I sure as hell don't remember
So now I'm going to fix my hangover with the best remedy ever. It's still AWESOME PANCAKE WEEK, so I'm gonna go drown myself in delicious pancakes smothered in maple syrup. And maybe one of Mutti's tonics. (I decided long ago that I don't want to know what she puts into that smoothie. It tastes damn good and I don't want that ruined by knowing what weird things are in it.)
~The Awesome Me
2/27/11
Dear Diary,
I never did tell you what I got for my birthday.
Vater got me a kick-ass new sword. He made me swear to just use it for decoration, but like hell I'm gonna listen to that. It will still go on my wall. Right where everyone can see it. But I'll be able to get it down whenever I want.
West got me a bunch of shirts with the word "awesome" on it. I don't think I'm going to wear the one with the rainbow of "awesome's" written all over it. But then, why not? It could be my "I support my gay brother because I'm AWESOME" shirt. What do you think?
Never mind, I'll ask Birdie and Veta. At least they can answer back.
He also bought me a pack of underwear.
It's not my fault the dogs keep ripping mine apart!
Anyway, Veta got me a scrapbook she probably got Mutti's help putting together. It's got all sorts of pictures of me and Birdie and West. Her too, in the ones from high school. She even included the one of Luddy turning bright red after he outed himself!
And Birdie's package had all sorts of candies and random knickknacks that are way fun to play with and annoy West with. Some of them make noise! He also sent me a tiny panda keychain. I think I'll go put it in his room right before he comes home. In the meantime, it's going on my keys, right where it belongs!
Mutti got me some awesome movies and extended AWESOME PANCAKE WEEK by 3 whole days! That means I get pancakes anytime I want until March! Speaking of pancakes…
~The Awesome Me
2/29/11
Dear Diary,
I was flipping through the scrapbook Veta put together for me and realized something.
I miss Birdie.
A lot.
I don't know why it just hit me.
Maybe it was the birthday card I got from him yesterday?
~The Awesome Me
.
End Part 1
.
Okay, so because this thing stretched on for 14 pages and by the time I got to about 2 months, I decided to split it in half. Part 2 will go up until Matthew returns home to Canada and that'll be it.
Also, I may renamed the story and just call it "All for the Love of Maple Syrup". What do you guys think?