The Wind Waker: Captain Crawfishes Adventures
The Wind Wrecker
Sorry for the holdup! I had some problems with my documents . . . I had to rewrite the whole chapter! Enjoy, and please review!
Link chasing a rabbit bear hybrid (that is holding his sword)around a tiny tree in a forest. A girl is leaning against the tree, playing Saria's Song because, well, the girl is Saria. There is a huge rock floating above them, grinning drunkenly down at them all and it starts singing Rock Your Body. So Saria throws her ocarina down and start doing a dance that actually fits the song for once. The sky is purple, and The Indigo-gos are playing Rock Your Body for the drunk-looking moon.
Saria: Hey Link! If you get that rabbit and your sword, you can have something special! From me!
Moon: And if you don't, you'll hear me sing for a long, long, LONG time!
Link: Gimme my sword you stupid rabbit!
Rabbit Monster: Neyarfarfarf! You can't catch me! I ain't no Gingabread Man!
Link: So very close to a relationship . . .
Link reaches out for the bunny.
Saria: Almost there, Link! Almost there!
The Moon: *singing*
Don't be so quick to walk away
I'm gonna rock your body -
Link: Shut up, you stupid pebble!
Suddenly, a dark theme plays and a shadow falls over the forest.
Red Simba: LINK! GET UP, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING NE'ER-DO-WELL!
Link: Wha-wha . . . oh. It's you. And wait, what does that even mean? Ne'er-do-well? What?
Red Simba is waiting in front of a small triangle island. Romani is still asleep and it is getting darker. It has stopped snowing and it is less cold, but there is still snow everywhere.
Red Simba: Use a dictionary, you simpleton! All kids these days should have one . . .
Link: Well it's not like you have one!
Red Simba: Because I'm a boat, idiot! Now why did you take so long to wake up!? You were asleep for 4 days!
Link: I had a really good dream! I was chasing a rabbit so I could get my sword back and get "something special" from a hot babe!
Red Simba: What are you talking . . . who is this "hot babe?"
Link: She was green!
Red Simba: Wow. So much detail, Link. So much - oh, that one. I forgot her name . . Sillier or something.
Link: Saria, you retard! Now what do you want me to do? (Note: I was listening to Saria's Song when I wrote this chapter)
Red Simba: Go to statue over there and drop a ball in it.
Link: You weirdo! Don't you mean orb?
Red Simba: There's no such thing as a "orb", you idiot!
Link: *sigh* Even more retarded. Orb is the less disgusting way of saying ball. Same with sphere and pearl.
Red Simba: Well sphere isn't a word either!
Link: Wow . . . but anyways, what ball are you talking about, retard?
Red Simba: Good . . . so put Naryu's Pearl in the statue.
Link: Nar yourself!
Red Simba: DO IT NOW!
Link: OK! Jeez . . .
Link picks up Naryu's Pearl and goes over to the statue. It looks ugly. Link drops the ball in it. Nothing happens.
Link: Dagnaggity!
Then he kicks the statue. It blows up and Link blacks out.
When he wakes up, he is in front of a huge tower.
Link: What the . . . how did we get here?
Red Simba: Well, you put that ball in that statue thingie and summoned this: The Tower of Disney Movies! Now go and face the perils of it!
Link: Oh no . . . what the *beep* is going to happen this time?
Red Simba: Go in! NOW!
Link flinches and hurries into the Tower Of Disney Movies. Then Red Simba calls Link back.
Red Simba: Link! Wait!
Link turns around.
Link: What, you old *censored*?
Red Simba: *ignores Link's sailor mouth* In this tower, you may find things that scare you for life. But I believe that you might be able to make it through this tower of pain. With blood, sweat, tears, a lot of cursing, and tons of duct tape, I know in my heart you might make it(you probably won't make it, but this is supposed to be a moving speech). But you will be changed forever. A different man. Your very childhood . . . DESTROYED. So just take it easy!
Link: Wait, so I might make it? I don't have a hundred percent chance of making it!? You don't think -
Red Simba: GO IN THE *censored* TOWER!
Link: Fine. I'll talk to you later. And FYI: I don't have any duct tape, retard!
START HERE
Link goes into the tower. It is a movie theater, because there is a snack area nearby and a dark hallway. Above the hallway is a sign labeled, "Movie 1." The popcorn is labeled, "Hylian Popcorn." It is really yellow.
Link: Ew. Why is that popcorn so unnaturally yellow? At least they have something healthy: Sour Patch Kids! Dem Sour Patch Kids . . .
Link grabs some Sour Patch Kids and heads into the theater.
The crowd is filled with Darknuts, Moblins, etc. The movie that is playing is . . . oh no. The most overused Disney movie of all time . . . and the most annoying.
Link: Oh *beep* . . . not this overused movie!
Bokoblin in Audience: Ssssh! We're trying to watch the movie!
He throws his super buttered popcorn at Link. Then he starts eating another large thing of super buttered popcorn.
Link: Shut up, you popcorn junkie! And why are you eating popcorn from here?! It has 542 grams of fat and too many calories!
Bokoblin: I got a stick and I ain't afraid to use it, bub! And it's not like you don't wanna eat it! I know you do . . .
Link: Shut UP!
Link tackles the Bokoblin. It breaks the stick on his Links head and Link screeches in pain. Then a Wizzrobe in a red and white suit comes in. He must be a customer service guy or something.
Customer Service and Wizzrobe: Sir, please stop disrupting the movie or you will be forcefully removed.
Link: Well this *censored* started it!
Customer Service Wizzrobe: Sir. Calm down please.
Link: Fine. I'll kill him after the movie . . .
Customer Service Wizzrobe: Now anyways, the rules are that you have to sing to the whole soundtrack of this movie. Good luck . . .
The Customer Service Wizzrobe teleports away. Link gets back to the movie. In the scene, an annoying little girl skips to a door. She knocks.
Annoying Little Girl: Els-a?
Then the whole audience starts singing,
Do you wanna build a snowman?
Come on let's go and play
I never see you anymore
Come out the door
It's like you've gone away!
We used to be best buddies
And now we're not
I wish you would tell me why!
The door opens. A hand comes out and gives the annoying little girl the Finger.
Cranky Voice: Talk to the Finger! I'm listening to my hard metal!
Annoying Little Girl: OK! Bother ya later!
She skips off, humming a stupid tune.
Link: This is going to be a long, long day . . .
I'm not going to retell the whole *censored* movie. It's already been ruined by people, so I won't ruin it even more for you. So anyways, the movie ends with a suicidal snowman getting over his suicide problems, the crazy goth girl becoming the queen of some stupid land somewhere, and a lonely man getting married to that annoying little girl (who is now not so little but is still annoying and now she is an idiot). Link is shivering and pale, his pants are, um, unpleasant and he throwing up in the seat next to him. Luckily it is an unoccupied seat.
Link:*hyperventilating*Don't - just - next - just let it go - stupid - calm down - calm down -
Another CSW appears next to him.
Customer Service Wizzrobe: Good! You are worthy . . . you may proceed.
Link throws up on the CSW.
Customer Service Wizzrobe: *in disgust*You sicko! Just take this! Here! It's probably covered in your barf . . .
Link: Cool!
Link grabs it. It is a . . .
You got The Wind WRECKER! "Wha-wha?" You must be wondering. Well YES, it is a gun. And it is the Hero of Winds's other chosen weapon! How cool is that! And it's waayyyyy better than some stupid bow or something.
Link:*in Lil Player*Woah there baby! I likin dis ting!
Link blasts the Wizzrobe just because he likes guns and bows. To be more specific, I guess he is either sadistic or likes shooting stuff. But for some reason, he blinks and he is in a different place. It is a weird round room and the door is locked.
Link: Wow. So very creative, you *beep* lazy author. Can you actually take the time to let me go through the whole thing? You're super lazy. Well, I wouldn't do it either way, but still.
Author: Well it was already enough torture to go through the whole flippin' movie!
Suddenly a new voice booms out.
?: YOU HAVE BROKEN THE GREAT RULE OF AUTHORS: NEVER - BREAK THE FOURTH WALL.
Author: I am sorry, O Great Book Keeper! Please forgive me, my lord!
The Book Keeper's presence leaves the room.
Author: OK, ummm . . . Link forgets what just happened!
Link: What was I talking about . . . oh yeah.
Suddenly, a deep voice booms around the room.
?: It is annoying how you somehow found your way to this place.
Link: Where are you? Come out, you cow!
?: Your face is a cow!
Link: That doesn't make sense, stupid!
?: Well you started it, you food junkie!
Link: How am I a food junkie?!
?: You eat random things! If there was some yellow meat on a brick wall, you would eat it! If Twilight Sparkle died, you would eat her too! And no one would eat Twilight Sparkle! She's too hot to be eaten!
Link: Eating ponies is retarded!
?: That's because you are!
Link: *whimper* I'm not retarded! Gramma told me to follow my dreams . . . but look where she is now. But you are a ponyphile! You would hit on ponies! And you're a brony at the same time ! So who's retarded now!
?: Still you! Twilight Sparkle for the win, baby! Aww, *beep* you! I forgot my frickin' lines now! Ummm . . . oh yeah. O chosen one . . . accept this final challenge.
A hand pops out of the wall. Then another hand and a head pop out.
?: I am Gohdan! I am just so totes cool, aren't I?
Link: You suck!
Gohdan starts playing the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic theme song and tries doing caramelldansen to it, but it isn't working out. I mean, you have to have a full body to actually do that dance. Gohdan only has hands and a head. So that would be scary. So Link falls to the ground and screams and wails in pain.
Link:*whining and screaming and wailing* EERUUURGHHH . . . my ears! My eyes! Make it stoooooop!
Link shoots Gohdan's hands and head, who is still trying to do caramelldansen like an idiot. Then he stops dancing.
Gohdan: Owwww! My flippin' hands!
Link: Flip your own hands!
Gohdan curses Link for not making a lick of sense, then Link blasts him a few more times.
Gohdan: But friendship is magic!
Link: No it isn't! No one cares about love and harmony and all that junk! And what a second . . . My Little Pony isn't Disney! So why are you here win the first place?
Gohdan: Hasbro Tower was too filled up with other bronies, so Farore, The God of Disney and Life, hired me. So yeah. But you are right about friendship! PRINCESS CELESTIA, YOU HAVE FAILED MEEEEEEEE!
Gohdan blows up from the fact that friendship isn't really all that magical.(It never was, Hasbro . . .)
Then another one of those cyclone things appears again. Link jumps into it and is blown away. He is suddenly on top of the Tower of Disney Movies. There is a huge bell hanging over Link.
Link: I need some Sour Patch Kids . . .
Link throws up on himself.
Link: Bleah . . . that's better . . . but some Sour Patch Kids would be greatly -
Then Link realizes he can use the bell to wake up Romani. Because he has a serious crush on Romani, this excites him so he doesn't need any Sour Patch Kids.
Link: Hey, wait a second! Maybe I can wake up Romani with this bell!
Link uses his grappling hook to swing on the bell. It clangs really loudly. But sadly for Link, he is still woozy from throwing up and his grip slips off of the grappling hook. Then he passes out.
When he wakes up, he is in Red Simba. Red Simba is floating towards a golden circle, humming Love Is An Open Door.
Link: Hey, what's happening? What are you doing?
Red Simba ignores Link and goes closer to the circle. Then, once they had floated into the circle, the retarded red boat started sinking into the water.
Link: Are you trying to kill us all, you nasty son of a -
They sink underwater before Link can finish cursing Red Simba.
Note: I am taking a break from this story and doing something that should have been done long ago . . . you'll see what I mean when it comes out. But I'll release a few more chapters.