*0*0*
Goodnight From Me, Good Morning To You
*0*0*
It was another quiet day for you at Yale, with your usual classes taking place and more assignments to finish, and the monotonous day to day was grating on you. Which was why you thought it best to liven up the quiet day, and the best way to do that was call up the most talkative person you knew so there would no longer be anymore quiet, just her, talking and talking, and gosh, you had missed it.
Rachel knew how to lift you up off the ground like no other, and as you walked through the quad, you relished in being able to speak with her. She was busy, like you, so these moments were important; especially when Skype sessions were being cancelled for the sake of boys.
"I know that I missed out Skype session last week, but I'd still really love to come up this weekend. I haven't seen you in so long, Quinn, and I miss you," Rachel said, sounding genuinely upset at having ditched you for a date.
"I miss you too," you confessed, because you did. Your fourteen year old self would have been horrified to hear you utter those words to Rachel Berry, of all people, but she had become your best friend in the wake of the accident, and you never thought you'd miss her as much as you did.
Just seeing a familiar face would do you the world of good. It would really break the monotonous Yale life.
"So is that a yes? Can I come up this weekend?" she asked, eagerly.
"Yeah, of course." You really couldn't turn her down. The last time you had this conversation you may have suffered a very public, and embarrassing, panic attack. But that panic was nowhere near as bad as what it had been. Yes, it was still there, but you weren't freaking out. You might not have a party filled weekend ahead of you, but at least you had friends you could introduce Rachel to. And it was true, because since that day with Mike and the others, they had become your friends.
Granted, Mike was the one you knew the most, but you had also been introduced to Tina, who was also really quite, and you wondered if she was another 'stray' (as Santana had put it) Mike had brought along. Her stutter made her shy, but when she opened up, she was really rather sweet, and you had gone to the library with her twice to study. She was another freshman, and it was nice to have another person to band together with.
There were also Mike's friends, who were partly becoming your friends. Sam, who you had met at the library before, although briefly, had taken a shine to you. He seemed eager to talk to you when you went to B02, the number of the classroom in the communications building, and he was always happy to share some ridiculous anecdote with you.
Of course, then there was Santana. She was an entity all on her own. She had definitely not warmed to you. If anything, she was ruder than before. You sort of expected it, because she was downright frightening to Tina. If you didn't know any better, you'd think Santana had tortured the poor girl. But apparently that was just her personality. And it was easy enough to ignore her in B02. There were usually a lot of people hanging about, whether they be studying or mixing music, practicing dance moves, or trying to organise some new activity. Santana was able to move from one circle of people to the other, and that meant you actually didn't spend much time with her at all. Thank God.
So knowing that you weren't a complete loner, that in the week and a half that had passed since you had last spoken to Rachel, you had met people who could be your friends, who looked like they were becoming your friends, and that was a great step forward.
Therefore, saying no to her was not an option. Not when you had less to hide, unlike last time.
"Yeah, of course, come on up on Saturday morning, and I'll meet you at the train station. We can go to lunch, or brunch, and then head back here, to drop your stuff before doing whatever you want," you answered, knowing Rachel was waiting with bated breath.
"Really?!" she sounded almost surprised by your response, and you felt a little guilty for holding off that long on arranging a visit like this. You were justified in your reasons, but it wasn't like you could tell Rachel that.
"Yeah, please. It would be amazing to see you."
"Great! I can't wait!" You laughed at her enthusiasm, shaking your head, but the feeling was mutual, because you really couldn't wait.
You knew she'd make you feel like a million dollars, like she always was able to do, and that infectious optimism was something you definitely needed. Especially when your insomnia was eating at you so bad lately.
Rosario's radio set was at least giving you a decent distraction through the nights, and her song choices, as always, were phenomenal, giving you enough music to listen to on repeat for days, but still, it didn't feel enough. The insomnia could always take you to the dark place, the scary side of your mind, the one that replayed the crash, replayed lying in the wreck and not opting to crawl out of the vehicle, just letting the flames from it lick at your skin and the fumes knock you out. Rachel was always able to calm those thoughts, to put that storm back in the teacup and make sure you were reminded why you were there, why you were to keep going. So seeing her was a must.
"Will there be any cute boys, Quinn? Because Rupert is being a little needy, and I mean, the date wasn't that great, although he's keen for another, so I don't want to be a rude, but he's not giving me good vibes. I could do with a decent distraction."
The question threw you, because you actually had no clue. You hadn't thought about boys, or whether they were cute, you had been so focused on friends, not their relationship status. But knowing Rachel, and knowing B02's crowd, you were sure there were bound to be some guys there she found appealing.
"I have a few in mind for you."
"Perfect!" she cheered. "I'll be sure to look my best, and you can introduce me." You knew that no matter how Rachel looked, she'd still be a complete knockout, although she'd never think it herself.
"Of course."
"Thank you, Quinn.," Rachel said, a little less enthusiastically, almost as if she was giving you one of those smiles, the ones that made you feel like she would take all your pain for herself if she could. "I really can't wait to see your world in Yale, and I'm so glad we can still be friends."
"I think after I stopped your shotgun wedding by getting hit by a truck, we have to be best friends for life. There has to be something in the small print that says something like that," you teased, trying to lighten the mood, because you could have probably saved yourself the heartache of a car crash if you had been friends with Rachel years before the accident even took place.
"Oh yeah? Maybe I should look at the small print in more detail, see what else it says; like, whether it's acceptable to set you up with a blind date? Surely there is something in there about looking out for one's best friend's romantic interests."
"I'm not coming to New York this weekend, you're coming here, and I doubt you'd be able to pull something like that off in such a short span of time." And thank god you weren't going to New York, because she'd definitely have you double dating with her and some random guy.
"True, but I could, you know. I know some amazing guys that would adore you."
"Shame on them," you shot back, shaking your head.
"Quinn," she whined, and you fought a smile as you rolled your eyes again.
"I'm honestly happy being single. There's enough going on up here without adding mindless sex and boyfriends into the mix." Plus, explaining your sexual fluidity was not a conversation to be had over the phone.
"If you're sure..." she began.
"I'm sure, thank you." Best to put an end to it quickly.
"Okay, but just say the word."
"Never." Rachel laughed and you found yourself doing the same, because you just knew she probably had two guys on speed dial for you. It was sweet, but unnecessary.
Dating, sex, it wasn't something...you had too many reminders strewn across your body...stretch marks, scars, jagged edges of skin torn up against others, that just...if you could hardly look at yourself naked, how could you expect someone else to? And never mind the pain that would probably go with it. That back pain and hip pain would not be worth the orgasm, of that you were sure.
Moving on to talk more about Rupert, Rachel's mediocre date, and his creepiness, you walked to the communications building with a smile on your face, and hung up shortly before heading inside B02, bidding her goodbye and promising to see her in a few days. Just talking with Rachel had completely lifted your mood, and for once, you weren't anxious when you opened the damn door to head inside.
Seeing her really would be amazing.
*0*0*
B02 was slowly becoming your favourite place to be. Mike had encouraged you to come along whenever you felt like it. He explained how many of the people who used it worked at the college radio station, and as that building was so tiny, there was no place for them to just relax, try out new sets, and chill, that they had commandeered that room. Apparently, it was allowed, although not formally written anywhere, and unless they did anything crazy, they were free to stay.
You couldn't understand how the place hadn't become a new hang out for everyone to go to, but it seemed to be the same people turning up all the time. And slowly, you were becoming one of them.
The first time you headed in, and Mike was not there, you stopped short. But Tina was there, and she waved you over, so you could sit with her and talk. And then there was Sam, who did the same on the day neither Mike nor Tina were there. So it wasn't like you were ever alone. But even if you were, you had come to feel a lot more comfortable with B02, you couldn't imagine yourself feeling like you weren't wanted or welcome.
Or rather, you hadn't experienced that yet.
"Looks like your knight in shining armour isn't here," Santana drawled, running her hand along the back of the couch as she walked passed it, coming to sit down in the armchair to the right of you.
"I can see that," you remarked, not looking up from the book in your lap. No one you really knew, apart from her, was there, so you thought it best to do some coursework while you waited on Mike. He was coming, after all. He'd text you to let you know as much.
"And yet, you're still here," she continued. You didn't feel the need to reply to that, merely humming in acknowledgement, which obviously wasn't the response Santana was looking for. "Why?" she finally asked, and you fought an eye roll at where this conversation was going.
"Are you saying I'm not welcome unless he's here?" Looking directly at her, you awaited a response, but it wasn't instantaneous. She mulled over what you had said for a second, before sliding forward in the chair, leaning closer to you, as if revealing a secret.
"I'm saying you're the stray cat who has found a temporary home; but the day you bring home fleas, you'll be back out on the street. You're a dime a dozen, so enjoy your time here while it lasts."
"Why am I getting the impressive you feel threatened by me?"
"Threatened? Please," she scoffed.
"Is this about Mike?" you asked, jumping to the only reasonable conclusion you could. "If you think I'm going to steal your crush, you're wrong. I'm not interested in Mike romantically." Santana's sudden laughter was not the response you expected, and you frowned, waiting for the joke to be revealed.
"Oh, honey, you think I'm interested in Mike 'romantically'?" she mocked, shaking her head. "Let's just say, he's really, really, not my type."
"So why the hostility?"
"I don't like you."
"You don't know me," you shot back.
"Nor do I want to." Rising from the chair, Santana brushed down her clothing, removing non existent creases.
"Really? Because you seem to be going out of your way to talk to me." That had her freezing for a moment.
"Don't confuse my hostility with curiosity."
"There's no confusion."
You could see Santana wanted to argue more, she wanted to force her point, but if she did, it would tell you that there was something more to her actions. Which left her with only one option; to walk away with a scowl on her face.
That was probably not the last you'd hear from her.
And okay, she said Mike wasn't her type, but what about Sam? He had shown interest in you, and he was sweet and charming, and you couldn't understand what a shark like Santana would do with a puppy like Sam, but maybe she wanted him. Maybe she was threatened, scared he was going to forget about her for you.
It made sense, and it was really the only reason why she could detest you so much already. You really hadn't done anything.
Then again, she was like that with Tina, too.
Perhaps it was just her crappy personality.
"Sorry I'm late, I stopped by my dorm to pick this up," Mike spoke, coming up behind you, pulling you from your thoughts. You were going to say it was fine, but he was handing you an envelope, and it was then you clicked what he said.
"What is it?" you asked, holding it in your hand, not sure what was going on.
"Open it," he said, encouraging you to do just that.
Not seeing the harm in doing so, and oddly curious about what it was, you began opening the envelope and taking out the piece of folded paper that was within. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Santana watching your interaction with Mike. You tried not to let it bother you, but it did. You could only hope she wasn't aware of such a fact.
Opening up the piece of paper, you read down the list in front of you, frowning.
"It's a list of songs," you said, lost in the purpose. "I'm not following." Mike grinned like that made perfect sense.
"This Saturday, here, karaoke night. Pick a song, because you're going to be singing," he explained, keying you in, finally.
"Karaoke?" you repeated, smiling despite yourself. Rachel was going to die of excitement when she found out.
"Yep. Now, song choice?" he rubbed his hands together, excited to help you pick, but you needed one more thing.
"On one condition," you said, causing him to halt for a moment.
"Name it."
"Can I bring a friend?" Mike's grin widened, and he nodded enthusiastically, before flying into which ones he thought would be good to sing for a laugh, versus the ones that could work well with your voice.
When you finally had a song in mind, one you would not tell him about, despite his begging and pleading, you sent Rachel a text to let her know. If you didn't, and you sprung it on her, she'd be livid. She wouldn't have time to prepare her voice, or some nonsense like that, so best to cover all your bases.
"This is going to be the best weekend ever!" she texted back, almost instantaneously.
You certainly hoped it was, even if the all too familiar feeling of eyes on you was a little disconcerting at times. All the feelings of not being welcome, of not fitting in, that Santana had resurfaced were gone by Mike's simple gesture, and surely that good atmosphere would override any dark cloud she brought around to try and dampen your time there. Surely.
*0*0*
All thoughts of Santana and the weekend were pushed from your mind that evening, as you attempted to get some sleep. Or rather, you wished that had been pushed from your mind, but they weren't. They were camping front and centre, refusing to move.
It was silly, because she was just one girl; one girl with a look that burned you more than you'd care to admit, and a mouth that was filled with barbs. She was cruel, she was mean, and you hadn't done anything to deserve it. But there was no point trying to understand why Santana was behaving the way she was. You had an amazing weekend to look forward to, and only one more day before Rachel would be there with you. Santana shouldn't be the one at the forefront of your mind, even if the main thought was about punching her in the face.
You really just didn't want her to ruin the weekend, to spoil things when Rachel was there. You knew Rachel was probably expecting some amazing, crazy, reckless party, which was somehow her style now, and it was going to be strange for her to see that was not your style at all. She's still have fun, you knew that, but you didn't want her to see the cracks in your mask. You didn't want her to know that you barely knew Mike, Sam, and Tina, and that they were just new friends, ones you were still getting to know. And Santana, Santana was the one who could reveal those cracks in your mask, who could pull the thread that unweaved the careful web of lies you'd made.
All the worrying, all the different scenarios of how it could play out meant that you really weren't going to get much sleep, and taking advantage of that fact, you did what you normally did when you couldn't sleep; you listed to Rosario's 2am to 6am set.
You had missed a little bit of it, but were still able to listen to the rest, and it calmed you like it always did. How it had that affect, how she had that effect, you didn't know, but it was almost instantaneous. Riding out the the calming waves, with each new song, you could feel your body slowly but surely getting sleepy, and it was just towards the end of her set that you knew sleep was within reaching distance.
But you needed to hear her last song. It was a must.
"My next song, and last song of the night, is a personal favourite. As my friends know very well, it sums me up completely, so have a little insight into yours truly. And with that, it's goodnight from me, and good morning to you; this is Nick Lowe's Cruel To Be Kind. Enjoy, and I'll be back with you tomorrow."
It was a song you hadn't heard in years, and smiling to yourself, you knew you'd be singing it all day. Like always, it was definitely worth being awake to hear Rosario's set. And with the rest of the song playing out in your headphones, you finally fell into slumber, at long last. No more worries, no more second guessing, you could just breathe easy, and all thanks to Rosario.
I do my best to understand, dear
But you still mystify and I want to know why
I pick myself up off the ground
To have you knock me back down again and again
And when I ask you to explain, well, you say
You gotta be
Cruel to be kind in the right measure
Cruel to be kind it's a very good sign
*0*0*