Part 5: Reincarnation

Daniel stepped into the dim forest on the dark side of P3X-797 with Santos directly on his heels. Daniel watched the man for any sign of queasiness from his trip through the gate, but Santos seemed unaffected as he automatically moved away from the wormhole and took up a casual defensive position behind the DHD. The move was achingly familiar, something he had seen Sam do a thousand times before, but that he was horribly aware he would never see her do again.

Jack was the next to come through and he nearly tripped over Daniel, who hadn't thought to move out of the way, caught up as he was in his thoughts. Jack managed not to fall down the stairs leading up to the gate and sent Daniel an annoyed glare.

"Sorry," Daniel mumbled, shuffling out of the way, privately wondering how long it would take before he could look at Santos and not think of Sam.

Jack didn't respond and when Daniel looked up, it was to find Jack staring off into the forest, his weapon partially raised. Daniel automatically felt his heart rate quicken and his hand dropped to the berretta strapped to his thigh. "What is it, Jack?" he asked quietly.

But Jack just shook his head, lowering his weapon. "It's nothing," he bit out, waving for Santos to take point with Teal'c.

But Daniel thought it must be something, because he caught Jack staring back over his shoulder again as he took position at their six. Daniel scanned the forest, but could make nothing out in the perpetual gloom.

"Come on, let's get this over with," Jack said impatiently.

"Whatever you say, Jack," Daniel replied, not sure what to make of the man's behavior these days.

SG-1 had been invited specifically to a celebration of the liberation of the Touched as the guests of honor. Tuplo, in fact, had been quite adamant that it be SG-1 that came through. This seemed a little odd to Daniel as not a single person seemed to have noticed the absence of Sam. Not to mention the fact that by Daniel's calculations this wasn't even the right time of year for the anniversary. When he's asked Tuplo about it, though, the leader had simply mumbled something about differing calendar systems.

So all in all, it was a strange visit.

Santos seemed to be the perfect mix of interested and yet not overly enthusiastic, but then again, there wasn't a lot of technology here to get excited about. Teal'c, as usual, was given quite a wide berth by the people and Jack's distracted mood was a secret to no one, even though Melosha seemed quite determined to keep him company. It was left to Daniel to keep up the small talk with Tuplo and his advisors through the eleven course meal.

The meal was followed by traditional dancers (who luckily now jumped over men dressed up like bulls rather than jumping actual livestock) and a rather creative reenactment of SG-1's part of curing the curse of the Touched, including mock SG uniforms. Sam would have absolutely laughed her ass off, Daniel thought fondly, catching himself more than once leaning over to make some observation to her, only to find an empty spot next to him.

Eventually, even though the sun never set in this place, it was deemed late at night and SG-1 bowed out of accommodations for the night, instead choosing to walk back to the gate. Melosha and Tuplo accompanied them to the edge of the dark forest, thanking them for coming and pressing small gifts into their hands.

And Daniel could have sworn Melosha's eyes strayed to the forest beyond them as if looking for something.

Sam waited calmly in the brush, watching Daniel and Teal'c disappear into the waiting pool of light with someone that looked like Captain Santos.

'Must be my replacement,' Sam commented absently to Selmak.

'It doesn't mean you have been forgotten, Samantha,' Selmak chided gently.

'I know, I know…it's just….'

'You would rather be there with them than crouched in the dirt with me,' Selmak supplied with not a little bit of amusement in her voice.

Sam rolled her eyes and didn't even bother to try and defend herself. 'Dad was right; you do have a wicked sense of humor.'

Selmak laughed softly in response, but not without a stab of sorrow at the mention of Jacob.

Right, Dad, Sam remembered, refocusing her mind on the task at hand.

Jack was walking up the platform stairs to follow his team when he suddenly turned around and looked out into the surrounding forest, almost as if he just knew she was there. Sam felt her breath freeze in her throat.

'Quickly, child,' Selmak prompted.

Sam pushed to her feet. 'Selmak…I just need you-.'

'I will be the soul of discretion. You won't even know I am here, I promise.'

Sam nodded. 'Thanks.'

Jack had turned back to the gate and Sam stepped quickly into the clearing.

"Colonel," she called out, her voice carrying unnaturally loud in the quiet of the forest.

She could see him flinch as her voice reached him. For a long moment he just stood with his back to her, staring into the wormhole. Sam held her breath, scared he would step through without even looking at her.

Eventually, though, he slowly turned around. The look on his face, the raw pain and haunted gaze, made Sam feel breathless. She could tell he didn't really believe she was there.

"Carter?" he finally said, his voice slightly strangled.

"Yes, sir," Sam replied.

He was down the steps and charging towards her before she could even blink. His hand reached out and brushed her sleeve and Sam took a jerky step back from his unexpected intensity.

He allowed her the space, even as his eyes raked her form as if looking for any evidence of injury.

"I'm okay," she said softly.

She heard Jack expel a breath of relief before running a shaky hand through his hair. "She said they'd done things to you…."

It took Sam a moment to follow what he meant, but then she could feel cold sweat break out on her brow and tremors run through her body at the very thought of what she'd undergone in Keren's machine. "You found the planet?" Sam asked, trying to ignore the softness of Jack's voice.

"Yeah…," he distractedly, still watching her carefully. "There was nothing left but smoldering wreckage."

Sam closed her eyes, wrapping her arms tight across her chest. "Good," she managed to say, thankful that the machine would never hurt anyone else again.

Then suddenly Jack was touching her, his hand on her sleeve as if testing the reality of what he was seeing. She opened her eyes to find him inches from her. "What did they do to you?" he asked quietly.

In that moment she was nearly overwhelmed with how much she had missed him. How she wished he had been there with her, to help her make these decisions that were impossible to make.

Sam swallowed at the lump in her throat and felt Selmak sending soothing vibes out to her. Sam took a moment to be thankful that Selmak was, for the most part, keeping out of this. This was hard enough as it was without having a running dialogue inside her head. But her presence also reminded Sam of what she was here to do.

"Please," Sam said softly, "don't…." His touch and surprising openness were only making this harder to do.

She took a few steps back from him, trying to create safe distance between them. He looked surprised and slightly hurt at her withdrawal, but Sam had no room to feel bad.

"I just wanted you to know that I'm okay," she finally managed to say. Shaking her head, she said, "But…I can't…." Her voice failed her.

Jack's face showed confusion.

Sam took another small step back. "I'm not going back," she said with more firmness than she felt.

"Not going…Carter, what in the world are you talking about?"

"My father is still out there, somewhere, and the rebel Tok'ra. They have to be stopped."

Jack nodded slowly. "Of course, Carter. We're going to keep looking. You can do all that from the SGC."

Sam couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled from her lips. "Can I?" she asked archly, rubbing absently at her still shaking limbs. "Last time I checked I was relieved of duty for psychological imbalance. And now I've been compromised by weeks of enemy…captivity. They won't let me near this, you know that."

He knew she was speaking the truth, she could tell the way he sighed tiredly. "Maybe," he finally admitted, "but we can work that out. It's no reason not to come home."

Sam had to look away from him then, trying to find the words to explain the choice she had made. She could feel his eyes on her still, analyzing her every gesture, every pause.

"Carter," Jack said suspiciously. "There's something you're not telling me."

Sam took a deep breath and decided it was now or never. "If I go back they won't let me leave. They won't trust us. And we can't stop until we find him."

Jack stood still for a moment, his face blank. He may well like to pretend to be slow, but Sam knew better. She knew that under that vacant stare he was rapidly processing her use of 'we.' His eyes instantly hardened. "We?" he asked harshly, not bothering to hide his disgust.

Sam flinched and closed her eyes. 'I'm sorry, Selmak. He doesn't….'

'Shh…Samantha. Though it saddens me, he has every right to feel that way. You were no different in the beginning.'

Sam sighed. "I know."

Opening her eyes she could see Jack staring at her, her one-sided comment confirming his worst fears. "Jesus, Carter," he said hotly. "After everything that has happened, how the hell could you let one of them do that? How can you let one of them inside you?"

"It's Selmak," Sam said softly. "I couldn't let her die."

Jack paced back and forth in front of her, his anger evident in every erratic motion. "How could you be sure? Hell, she could be in on this with them for all we know!"

Now Sam began to feel the first tendrils of anger. She knew they had both had horrible experiences with the Tok'ra. What Kanan had done was unforgivable, but this was Selmak they were talking about.

"She's family," Sam said simply with only a thread of anger audible in her voice.

Jack stopped pacing and met her eyes for the first time since he realized what she had become. For a moment, his face cleared. "Yeah, I guess she is."

Sam felt her shoulders relax, finally allowing herself to believe that maybe, just maybe, he could find it in himself to understand.

"What if we never find Jacob?" Jack asked softly, now studiously looking at his feet. "What if he's already dead?"

Sam felt like he had just slapped her in the face; they were questions she refused to even entertain.

"Are you prepared to stay with Selmak forever?" he pressed on. "To run off and become a Tok'ra?"

Honestly, it was something Sam hadn't allowed herself to think about. It was a choice she wasn't willing to make, not right now. "I…I don't know."

He raised his eyes to look at her, his gaze haunted once more, and she finally realized why he was so angry. It wasn't just the risk she had put herself in or that she wasn't going back to the SGC. In the end, it was the fact that staying with Selmak meant that she was choosing the Tok'ra over the SGC.

That maybe she was just running away again.

Her choice here today could be the end of everything, not just SG-1. Because he could never accept her as a Tok'ra, no matter how hard he tried. And Sam could never abandon Selmak to death if she could offer a different way.

If they were unable to find Jacob… There were just too many unforgivable things that would stand between them like an impenetrable iris.

Jack watched her closely and she was sure that he could see the heartbreak in her eyes. "I'm sorry," she said softly.

"Yeah. Me, too," he said in a low voice, some of his bitterness leaking out. All the Tok'ra ever seemed to do was take things from him.

He turned his back on her and walked a few steps towards the Stargate. He stood motionless on the lowest step. "Good luck, Carter. I hope you find what you're looking for."

The words were cold and empty and cut her to the core. And she couldn't help but think of other words spoken in that voice. I always knew she didn't have what it took.

But that hadn't really been Jack, only a hallucination. And this hard mask and equally cold words weren't him either.

But she had been dead. And she wasn't stupid enough not to know what that meant. What it would have meant to her if their positions had been switched.

So she did the only thing she could to make it all right, or at least slightly better.

"Jack," she called out hesitantly, taking the step even though it terrified her.

He turned around, his face betraying just a moment of surprise at hearing his name fall from her lips before the mask slipped back in place.

She remembered him standing with her in the elevator, that last time she had seen him. His careful words and subliminal support.

"I know it feels like I'm walking away again," Sam said, "but I'm not."

Jack didn't seem to react other than a small clenching of his jaw, his cheek flexing under the effort of keeping his feelings contained. Anyone other than Sam might not have even noticed.

"So much has happened…," Sam continued, unaware that her feet were slowly moving her towards him, "and I'm…terrified. But I'm not quitting. I need you to know that I'm not quitting, not again."

Jack must have moved a few steps towards her as well, because the next thing she knew, they stood within easy reach of each other. He was looking carefully at her, his brow creased with what might be concern as he processed her words.

"You don't have anything to prove, Carter," he said slowly.

Sam swallowed hard and nodded. "I think maybe I do."

"Not to me," he replied with soft earnestness.

She shouldn't have needed to hear him say it, but she was absurdly glad to hear it nonetheless. Not that it changed anything. She bit her lower lip, worrying it gently for a moment. "I need to prove it to me."

Jack's face softened in understanding and after another long moment of him observing her, he nodded slowly. "Okay," he said simply.

Sam knew she didn't need his permission anymore, but she was grateful that he understood and that he trusted her enough to know what she needed. She smiled at him as brightly as she could and took a deep breath, knowing the first hurdle had been jumped.

"You'd better get back…," Sam said, gesturing at the still open wormhole behind him.

He glanced back at it and shrugged. "Yeah."

But he still made no move to leave, looking slightly uncertain.

"Thank you," Sam said softly.

Jack just waved away her thanks and finally pushed himself into motion, starting up the steps. He hesitated at the top most one, however, and turned back to her. "Carter?" he asked tentatively, waiting for her to look at him. "I…." But he apparently changed his mind, because he shook his head and grinned self-consciously at her.

Sam felt her throat go dry as she recognized that look on his face. The one that said he was about to say something he knew he shouldn't but was going to anyway. Normally Sam would back away from that look as she knew it was her responsibility to, but instead something made her take one step forward. "Yes?" she prompted.

But Jack seemed to have lost his nerve. "Never mind," he said, turning back to the wormhole.

Sam was up the steps before she even thought about it, her hand on his arm pulling him back around. She didn't say anything, just met his eyes and was surprised to see soft sincerity and more than a little fear in them.

"It's just… I thought you…," Jack said in a low, rough voice.

He didn't need to finish. Sam knew what he'd thought. He'd thought her dead, lost. And even this limited glimpse of his grief was enough for her to understand.

Sam's hand reached for his face before she could even think about it, or wonder at her newfound nerve. She stopped just short of actually feeling his skin, realizing what she was doing. But before she could pull back, his hand wrapped around hers, refusing to let her increase the distance between them.

Sam felt a bit dizzy being this close to him after so long and before she could step back away to a respectable distance, Jack surprised them both by leaning in and kissing her.

It was barely more than a quick brush of his lips over hers and Sam had no time to do more than stand ramrod straight in complete surprise.

It ended as quickly as it had started and Jack backed away with a sort of deer in the headlights glare to his eyes that might have made Sam laugh under any other circumstance.

Then he was talking rapidly, something about just making sure she wasn't going to turn into a frog and then Sam could barely register him apologizing. All she knew in that moment, though, was that she couldn't stand to hear him say he was sorry for it. That he might regret the first moment of true honestly between them in as long as she could remember. So she did the surest thing to stop him talking. She stepped up to him and kissed him right back.

The kiss started out gentle, almost hesitant, but quickly evolved into something much more dangerous as Jack's shock at what she had done melted away. Soon he was kissing her almost desperately and Sam clung helplessly to his shoulders, meeting his lips with matching intensity.

The smell and taste of Jack O'Neill invaded her every sense, nearly overwhelming her. She dimly registered her fingers tangling in his hair, pulling him even tighter against her body. And in the distance was the feel of one of his hands at her waist and the breathless flash of his fingers on her bare flesh.

All thoughts of it being wrong or inappropriate dropped away and all Sam knew in that moment was that she never wanted this feeling to end.

In the next instant, however, a loud crackle of static followed by Teal'c's deep voice rudely interrupted the moment.

"O'Neill. Are you there?"

Sam could feel Jack's body tense under her fingers, which she only now realized had slid up the back of his shirt. She quickly withdrew her hands and moved to step back, but Jack held her tightly in place for a moment, his breath harsh against her neck. His hands squeezed her waist once briefly and then he let her go, reaching for the radio nestled in his vest.

"I'm fine," Jack said into the radio, his breath oddly even. "Just gimme a minute."

He didn't wait for Teal'c's reply; he just turned the volume of the radio down and turned back to Sam.

Sam, meanwhile, was staring avidly at the offending radio, only now really registering what they had done. Or what they might have done if they hadn't been interrupted.

Jack didn't reach for her again, but she could feel his eyes on her, willing her to look up at him. The silence stretched long between them and Sam continued to stare at a spot on his chest and hold her hand up to her lips in disbelief.

"Carter," Jack eventually said in a low, tentative voice.

Sam briefly wondered when that name had come to mean so much more than simply a way to create distance between them. When had it become almost….intimate?

Still staring at his chest, Sam took a deep steadying breath. "I have to do this," she said, as much to remind herself as Jack.

Jack let out a deep breath. "Jacob," he murmured.

Sam nodded her head distractedly, forcing herself to clear her head and focus on the real purpose of this meeting again. "Yes. Selmak thinks that if we can find Egeria's Legacy, we'll find him. It may be the only chance."

"I'll come with you," Jack said without hesitation.

Sam sucked in her breath, finally looking up to meet his eyes. He looked so solid, standing there, just as she had pictured him in the last weeks. Strong, capable, someone she could put all her faith in.

You miss him.

Selmak's words echoed in her ears. Watching him now, with the feel of his lips still warm on hers, she could easily accept the admission. She did miss him. A lot. And maybe not even for all the wrong reasons. She wasn't sure.

But she desperately needed to be sure. Which is why she had to do this alone.

Sam shook her head, taking another step away from Jack, even though it felt like leaving some part of herself behind.

She could see him flinch at the movement and watched as his eyes began to shutter themselves again. But this wasn't about denying what had just happened between them. For once it was about something so much more. Sam reached out one hand to him, trying to find the right words.

"I need to do this," she said by way of justification. "I need…." But she broke off, uncertain how to make him understand.

Jack opened his mouth and Sam could tell from the stubborn glint in his eye that he wasn't going to let this go easily.

"Trust me," Sam said simply and Jack closed his mouth with a snap.

Jack searched her eyes for long moments before nodding slowly, accepting her terms. He might not like it, but he could accept it. He had always understood her better than anyone else in the universe.

Of course he understood.

Sam felt the unwelcome prick of tears and blinked them back rapidly. "Besides," she said lightly with a small forced smile, "one of us AWOL at a time is more than enough."

Jack's mouth quirked into a half smile at her attempted levity. But then his hands were tight on her shoulders, his face serious once more. "Swear to me that you'll come back. Because so help me, if you get yourself killed…"

Sam felt her heart pound against her chest and she fought against the lump rising in her throat. "I promise."

They stood there staring at each other for a long moment, and Sam felt the undeniable urge to step back into his arms. Maybe he saw something of that in her eyes because he squeezed her shoulders briefly and then stepped back from her, his hands reluctantly falling back to his sides. He slowly removed his pack, his P-90 and zat and placed them on the platform. Pressing his radio into her hands he said, "For when you're ready to come home. If you ever need anything…"

Sam nodded. "I'll leave messages with Melosha, to let you know I'm okay," she pledged softly, hugging the radio into her chest. She trusted that Jack would be able to find a way back here, even if the SGC was bound to declare her AWOL and a criminal for the decision she was making here today.

Jack looked like he wanted to reach for her again, but instead he gave her a crooked grin that didn't quite reach his eyes and backed slowly into the Stargate, his eyes never leaving hers.

Sam watched the silent gate long after the wormhole blinked out, consumed by the heavy feeling that there was no turning back.