Part 11: A Singular Life
Jack had spent more than his fair share of pacing in the endless grey corridors during Sam's absence. It had been a way for him to burn off nervous energy, and more than likely a futile effort to escape truths and theories he didn't particularly want to acknowledge. Now that Sam was back and safe though, he found himself continuing the practice. He didn't really want to take the time to wonder why.
But maybe his subconscious did, because during his habitual ramble through the long halls, he found himself passing in front of Sam's room. Or cell, as it might be more justly called, due to the obvious presence of an armed guard.
Jack paused by the door, pushing away anger at the thought of his 2IC locked up, when he registered the distinct sound of weeping floating out into the corridor. The MP at the door studiously avoided Jack's eye and looked like he was doing his best to ignore the sounds emanating from the cell.
"Open it up, Sergeant," Jack ordered gruffly without really giving it a second thought.
The guard only hesitated for a moment before unlocking the door.
"Carter?" Jack asked tentatively as he stepped inside and the door shut behind him. He hovered just inside, trying to give her some time to pull herself together if she wanted.
Sam looked up at him from her perch on the bottom bunk with large wet eyes. "Sir," she acknowledged. She made no move to wipe the tears from her cheeks and Jack shuffled uncomfortably under her gaze.
"Do you want me to-?" Jack asked incoherently, gesturing back towards the door behind him.
Sam regarded Jack for a moment before shaking her head. "No…do you think you could stay? Just for a little while?"
Jack didn't answer right away, surprised that she would ask. "Sure," he said, settling himself down in a chair a few feet away.
She smiled weakly at him, pressing a pale hand to her cheek. "It's hard being in here alone. I know Selmak and I never had a true blending…but I just feel so…empty. Like I've lost a part of myself."
She lowered her head, shaking it in self-deprecation. "Sorry…I sound crazy, don't I?"
"No," Jack said swiftly, his hand reaching out and settling warmly on hers.
She looked up at him with wide, red-rimmed eyes, a look full of loss and pain, but also the strength he had always associated with her. Jack hadn't honestly thought about the effect of losing a symbiote. But now he remembered how disconsolate Sam had been after Jolinar had died, and that hadn't even been a partnership of the sort she must have had with Selmak.
"I'm sorry," he said softly. "It must be tough."
She looked surprised for a moment, before hefting a broken smile on her face. "I'll be okay. If I can just get past this crying phase."
She didn't sound particularly embarrassed, just grieved. She continued to sniffle softly for another few minutes while Jack just held on to her hand.
"Thanks," she eventually mumbled as she rubbed her face dry.
Jack shrugged off her thanks and leaned back, releasing her hand. "You know, Carter…you've changed," he observed.
She sat up slightly to meet his eyes. "What makes you say that?"
"I'd have sworn you would have rather faced the business end of a hand device than cry in front of me."
He was going for light-hearted jesting, but he must have missed the mark because Sam's face instantly sobered at his words. She stared penetratingly at him and gave him that uncomfortable feeling that she could read him far too easily.
"What?" Jack asked uncomfortably, not used to such frank appraisal, especially from her.
"You weren't sure, were you?" she said softly.
There was no accusation in her tone, but Jack felt it all the same. He pushed to his feet and moved a few steps back towards the door, staring out the small window. This was really something he had hoped to avoid ever talking to her about. Couldn't they just be glad she was back and move on with no need for courts martials or serious discussions?
"That whole time," she continued from behind him, "and you couldn't quite convince yourself that it was really me."
Jack forced himself to turn and study her face carefully, thinking of how different she had been, reviewing every reason to doubt. How could he really explain the misgivings that had crowded him in the quiet moments during her absence?
"Do you really blame me?" he asked instead.
Her eyes slid away from his for a second and he somehow knew she was also thinking of that day in the forest. Jack's attention was almost hypnotically drawn to her fingers playing absently with the cuff of her shirt as he waited for her to answer.
"No…," she eventually admitted. "Not really."
Silence settled over the room for a long time before Sam finally managed to lift her eyes to his once more.
"Well, now you know," she said.
Jack met her gaze across the room. "Now I know."
He just didn't know what it meant.
The next day, Jack finally stopped putting off the one visit he had been avoiding.
"I'm sorry," Jack said from the doorway to the infirmary.
Jacob looked up from what was probably a private conversation with Selmak. His eyes darted to the yo-yo that was currently spinning haphazardly from Jack's fingers. But Jack's seeming lack of attention did nothing to soften the stark seriousness of Jack's statement.
"For what exactly, Jack?" Jacob asked, his tone annoyingly neutral.
The yo-yo sank to the floor in a tangle of twine and Jack hazarded a few steps into the room. "I should have stopped this. I should have known something was wrong when you first came," Jack said, trying to tiptoe around the subject of Jacob's abduction with all the grace of a fully armored serpent guard.
Jacob didn't answer right away, but his head lowered and Selmak was then staring at Jack, causing the Colonel to shift uncomfortably.
"I fear there is more than enough guilt rolling around as it is. You need not unduly burden yourself, Colonel O'Neill. It's best we all move forward and not get stuck looking ever backwards."
Jack nodded noncommittally. "I don't think I ever thanked you, Selmak."
Selmak's wry smile curled Jacob's lips. "For what? Leading your teammate on a wild chase across the galaxy?"
Jack couldn't quite adopt her levity or teasing tone. Letting go of the past was easier said than done.
"No," Jack said staidly. "For doing whatever it was you did to bring her back."
Jack was fairly certain Selmak could see past the oblique words. For Sam had come back in more than one way. Not just back to Earth, but back to herself. Or perhaps even as something more than she had been, something that Jack was just beginning to recognize in her himself.
Selmak's expression finally matched Jack's seriousness. "It was my honor," she said simply.
Jack nodded once in understanding and made to leave the room, but Jacob called him back. "Why don't you sit for a while? It gets boring in here with only Selmak for company," he said, his soft teasing not quite obliterating the remaining shadows in his eyes.
Jack hadn't planned on lingering, but found he couldn't ignore the request by this Carter either. So Jack sat down, untangled his yo-yo and engaged a rather stilted conversation about mundane things.
Eventually Jack got around to the million dollar question Jacob was sure to tire of hearing.
"What do you plan to do now, Jacob?"
"We're going to stay until we hear about Sam," Jacob needlessly clarified. They were all on edge waiting for the final verdict on Sam's career. She'd spent the last few days in meetings already. As for Jack, he had one or two blackmail plans in his back pocket if things didn't turn out the way he thought they should. He imagined Jacob wouldn't hesitate to help, either.
"And then?" Jack prodded.
"Pangar," Jacob answered unexpectedly.
Of all the planets to relocate to, Jack had to figure that the one decimated by rogue elements of your society was not at the top of the list.
"Are you sure that's wise?" Jack asked mildly rather than giving into the urge to ask if Jacob had completely lost his mind.
Jacob's smile let Jack know that he heard the unspoken question just as clearly. He leveled Jack with the patented 'I am of a superior race, but I will begrudge you your youthful ignorance' look at which the Tok'ra at large excelled.
It was Selmak who eventually answered. "Too long have the Tok'ra lived in tunnels, skulking about and pretending to be that which we hate. It is time to live among people as Egeria did and to help them. Help them rebuild what we have destroyed…and maybe rebuild ourselves."
Jack leaned back in his chair. It was a bold decision and he was reminded that the repercussions of the Tok'ra civil war and Egeria's uncovered legacy would be far reaching in more ways than any of them could imagine.
Jack simply nodded, there being nothing more to say. He let a comfortable silence fall between them and went back to playing with his yo-yo. He was in the middle of a sweet cat in the cradle when Jacob spoke again.
"There is something I'd like to ask you about, Jack," he said.
"Hmmm?" Jack absently replied.
"I'm wondering why I have a disturbingly vivid memory of kissing you."
Jack's finger slipped and the yo-yo went careening into an expensive looking piece of medical equipment. Crap, Janet was going to kill him. Jack looked up to find Jacob still staring expectantly up at him, his face dangerously unreadable. Double crap.
"Can't speak to Selmak's fantasy life, Jake," Jack improvised, trying to ignore the way the walls felt like they were closing in. He glanced at the silent sirens, willing them to activate. This was a particular memory he didn't want to even think about, let alone discuss with a General-cum-Tok'ra who happened to be Carter's dad.
Jacob's eyes narrowed. "I don't think I'll bother telling you Selmak's response to that."
Jack decided that he had better start thinking quick, but he was far too freaked out by Sam's dad having a memory of her kissing him to get his brain moving. He finally gave up and just made a face.
"That is just so wrong," he grumbled.
"Tell me about it," Jacob agreed wholeheartedly. "Selmak has sworn to bury it in the deepest reaches of my darkest subconscious. But I'd still like an explanation."
"Jacob…," Jack drawled out in a pained voice, managing to verbalize both his discomfort and confliction about the entire issue.
Neither man said anything for a while. Jacob just stared at the ceiling and Jack imagined he was listening to Selmak. Any sick humor to be found in the situation rapidly leaked away.
"I'm trying to be angry or indignant," Jacob eventually continued, still not meeting Jack's eye. "I just…." The older man shrugged tiredly. "I hate that there are whole parts of my daughter's life that I know nothing about. I hate that she had to pick something so…," he seemed to mentally shift through various adjectives, eventually settling on "impossible."
Jack lowered his head into his hands, his fingers scrubbing agitatedly against his scalp. Part of him wished Jacob could manage to get pissed, maybe even take a swing at him. Hell, he'd even be happy to listen to a long lecture about military protocol and his responsibility as a team commander. Anything would be better than the aching hopelessness that seemed to infect the man. Jack wanted to yell that the last thing they needed was his pity and that their lives were perfectly fine they way they were, thank you very much.
But it wasn't as easy to lie to Jacob as it was to lie to himself and it's only been a few months since he watched Carter welcome death at the foot of an enemy soldier.
Jacob didn't live inside a carefully honed shell of rationalizations like Jack did. He didn't need to have the score laid out for him; he could well imagine what this sort of situation would do to his daughter. It didn't matter that nothing had ever happened between them before that day. No parent would ever wish their child to live with a choice between love and duty. Unrequited feelings made for a great fairytale, but a poor life.
There was nothing for Jack to say, no reassurances or promises that he could make to take the tiredness from Jacob's eyes. It didn't matter that neither he nor Sam had ever chosen to live in this endless limbo. It only mattered that they did.
And Jacob could no longer hide behind ignorance, feigned or not.
"On second thought, Jack," Jacob said, rolling stiffly over on his side and away from Jack, "I don't want an explanation at all."
Jack knew he was being dismissed, but he still struggled with something, anything to say. Unfortunately, an explanation was the one thing Jack didn't have.
"I'm sorry," Jack said lowly, surprised by the hoarseness of his voice.
There was nothing more to say.
As Jack retreated from the room, however, he could just barely hear Jacob mumble, "I just wish I didn't know how she feels."
Jack wasn't sure if he was meant to hear that or not.
The committee sent from the Pentagon was comprised of a standard selection of servicemen from various branches of the military, but far in the back of the room were a few civilians in nondescript black suits that caused them to stand out starkly in the sea of uniforms. Hammond had ensured that SG-1 would be included in all of the briefings as representatives of the SGC, though it was understood that they were not there in any official capacity. Jack understood that to mean he was supposed to keep his mouth shut. Which he did, even if he didn't like the look of the civilian liaisons.
Sam handled the briefings with grace, which was no less than Jack expected of her. But there was a tiny edge of insouciance that Jack had rarely seen in Sam, a tiny spark of spunk that was maybe an inheritance of Selmak. Or maybe Jack was still just looking for excuses for her behavior.
Sam answered the endless litany of questions carefully and clearly, never raising her voice or showing emotion, though Jack noticed the way she would speak slower sometimes, her breathing carefully controlled, fingers clenching slightly, primarily when discussing Keren.
Jack didn't even blink when she unapologetically glossed over SG-1's involvement in her recovery of Egeria's Legacy. He'd like to say that she didn't need to protect him or anyone else on SG-1, but the truth was that she probably did. There was always someone looking for any crack to get any leverage over the control of the SGC. Especially the civilian intelligence groups, of which the quietly menacing men in the back of the room were no doubt representative. Daniel may have thought he was safe from recrimination as a civilian scientist, but Jack wasn't anymore willing to risk that than Sam apparently was.
Jacob and Selmak carefully mirrored Sam's story in every aspect, even the glaring omissions, enough so that Jack was fairly certain that Selmak and Sam had hammered out their stories before they were separated.
Three days of briefings and the military panel departed, each taking the time to shake Sam's hand, their respect of her clear. The civilians were a little less courteous, their disappointment that they failed to dig up any useful dirt equally clear. But with all of them gone, everyone was able to breath a little easier, knowing all that was left was the verdict.
"The Pentagon has been satisfied, Major Carter. They have settled for a mention of these events in your permanent record, but have forgone pressing any official charges."
Jack sat a few feet to the side of Sam, who stood at parade rest before Hammond's desk. Apparently Sam's contributions to the program had been deemed more important than her abandonment of her post, Jack mused. But she was not completely unscathed. Her actions would forever live on as a black mark in her files. Jack knew this meant promotion beyond Colonel would probably be forever out of reach.
Jack watched her carefully for any sign that she realized the implication. But Sam just smiled and shook her head at the similar concern on Hammond's face.
"It's okay, really," she said.
As surprising as her casual acceptance of her hamstrung career was, Jack believed she actually meant it. There was a time Jack would have said her career meant everything to her. Maybe he'd been wrong. Or maybe, he hoped, she'd finally come to accept what most of them had long known: she didn't need rank to prove herself worthy.
"Well," Hammond said briskly, pushing past the awkward moment. "The least we can do is get you back where you belong. I'll have Santos reassigned immediately."
"Actually, sir," Sam said, taking a small step forward. "That may not be necessary."
It seemed Sam Carter had mastered the ability to surprise Jack during her absence, because for the second time in as many minutes he found himself unprepared for her words. He could only see her profile and had little hope of finding any enlightenment in her expression.
"Excuse me, Major?" Hammond asked, unknowingly echoing Jack's confusion.
"It is my understanding that Major Grimes has retired from field duty," Sam said, pausing for confirmation from Hammond.
He nodded slowly, still obviously confused by the direction this briefing was taking.
"I was wondering, sir," Sam continued, "if you might consider me for his replacement."
"SG-7?" Hammond asked, his eyes darting briefly to Jack. But Jack was too busy trying to look like he wasn't completely blindsided to be of any help to Hammond.
"Yes, sir," Sam replied.
She hadn't discussed this with Jack. Not a single word. And the way she didn't so much as glance in his direction made him think that was intentional. What the hell was she doing?
"Let me get this straight," Hammond said, his voice sharp with incredulity. "Are requesting transfer out of SG-1?"
"Yes, sir, I am," she confirmed steadily.
Hammond sat back in his chair, finally contemplating what she had requested. Eventually he leaned forward and steepled his fingers thoughtfully. "You've been under a lot of strain lately, Major. Maybe you would like to take a day or two to consider this."
Sam's disappointment at that non-answer was clear. This was obviously something she was serious about. It wasn't like Sam to do something so drastic without a lot of thought. But Jack has spent most of the last week being surprised by her. What possible reason could she have to leave SG-1?
With Jacob's words still so fresh in his mind, Jack couldn't help but wonder if she was doing this because of what had happened between them. But Jack discounted that thought the moment it surfaced. SG-1 meant too much to her to throw it away on her feelings. They'd both proven that time and time again.
But then why?
"It's a command position," Jack suddenly blurted, breaking his long silence.
For the first time, Sam turned slightly to look at Jack, her eyes wide and hopeful.
"So it is," Hammond said mildly.
"She's been ready for her own command for a while," Jack said.
"It's certainly something to discuss," Hammond replied. He glanced over at Sam. "Would you mind giving us a moment, Major?"
Sam nodded briskly. "Of course. Sirs."
The door clicked softly behind her, leaving Jack alone with Hammond.
"You seemed just as pole-axed by her request as I did, Colonel, so I won't bother asking if you knew this was coming."
Jack smiled wryly, chagrined to have been so easily read by the General.
Hammond leaned back in his chair, the creak of leather filling the silent office. "Any thoughts?"
Jack pushed to his feet and paced the length of the room a couple times. "As I said, General, she's been ready for a while. I think that had she been anyone else on any other team, she would have been moved a long time ago."
Hammond chuckled. "No one wanted to break up the SG-1 magic."
"Yeah," Jack confirmed. "Personally I'm grateful as hell for that, but maybe it hasn't exactly been fair to her."
Hammond nodded his agreement, drumming his fingers on the desk. "SG-7 isn't a front line unit."
"I'm sure she's aware of that, sir," Jack said. "But maybe that's a good choice for her. She can advance her military experience as well as continue with her scientific interests."
"Smart choice," Hammond commented. "But I guess we shouldn't expect anything less from her."
"No, sir," Jack said, giving up on his pacing and collapsing back down in his chair.
"It seems she has really thought this out," Hammond mused.
Jack just nodded silently, still trying to process the surprising turn of events.
"And you would be fine with keeping Santos?"
Jack shrugged. "He's a good soldier. And bright. Maybe not in the Carter-genius range, but then again, who is?"
Jack couldn't quite believe he was sitting here helping talk Hammond into stealing Sam away from his team. But if this was that important to her, he'd do what he could.
"Let me give this some thought, Jack. We can meet again tomorrow."
"Yes, sir," Jack said, backing quickly out of the office.
He wasn't even remotely surprised to find Sam lurking out in the hallway.
"He's considering it," Jack informed her.
She nodded gratefully, looking relieved. "Thank you."
"Sure," Jack said with a shrug before starting down the hallway and away from her.
"Sir," Sam called out, and Jack reluctantly paused. He really didn't want to have this conversation.
"I'm sorry I didn't talk to you first," she said.
"You don't owe me any explanations, Carter." He knew he was being obtuse and possibly even a little petulant, but he was vacillating between anger and hurt, and not wanting to admit either.
Sam stared at him in dismay and he took that as his cue to leave.
"See you tomorrow, Carter," he said.
But he didn't get very far. He distinctly heard her exclaim, "Oh, for…," before grabbing his arm and pulling him into the nearest open room. She shut the door after them and stood stubbornly in front of it.
"What are you doing?" he asked with exasperation.
"Look," Sam said, "I know I totally blindsided you in there-."
"Yes," he interrupted, "yes, you did." He didn't mean for his tone to be so harsh, which was exactly why he hadn't wanted to do this right now. He needed time to think. Preferably far, far away from her. Or he might say something they would both regret.
"I'm sorry," she said earnestly. "I truly am. I just didn't know any other way to do this."
"Did you think that if you came to me, I would try to talk you out of it?"
"No," she said quickly. "Of course not."
With her standing there, looking so sincere and a little desperate, Jack had to admit that most of his anger stemmed from the fear that she no longer felt that she could come to him. After all, of all things, her career had been the one safe thing he could guide her about.
"I was scared I would talk me out of it," she confessed.
Jack didn't know what the hell that was supposed to mean.
"I don't want to leave SG-1," she admitted. "Part of me is terrified even of the idea."
"Then why?"
And maybe that was the real kicker for Jack. He needed to know why.
She looked uncomfortable with the question, shifting her weight slightly from foot to foot for a moment.
"This isn't about what happened that day in the forest," she said, almost as if reading Jack's mind. "That's not why I made this request."
Right, the planet. And the kiss that they should probably talk about. But she looked just as reluctant to do that as he was, so he knew there was little chance.
She sighed softly, clenching her fists by her side as if fighting something before she seemingly forced herself to look Jack straight in the eye.
"I've felt…trapped for so damn long now that somewhere along the line I stopped even noticing. But something happened out there…something hard to explain. I just realized that I wasn't stuck, I never had been. I was just…standing still."
That explanation was so far from anything Jack might have expected to hear come out of her that he just continued to stare.
"So this is me, moving forward."
Her eyes dropped away from his with her last words, as if waiting to hear what he had to say about that. But Jack didn't have anything to say to that startling revelation. He was all mixed up between awe in the face of her personal enlightenment and disappointment that this really did have nothing to do with him, between anger at her for abandoning SG-1 and pride for her move to command. All the while, she stood there, eyes averted, her posture screaming out for him to just understand why she needed this.
So, in the end, Jack did the only thing he could. He nodded at her and said, "I meant what I said, Carter. You were ready a while ago."
She must have sensed something of his self-censure in his words because she reached out and grabbed his arm as he made to leave the room.
"I don't regret any of my time on SG-1," Sam said intensely, as if needing him to understand that this wasn't a rejection or an accusation. "I wouldn't give up one second. I'm just not sure I'd be staying for the right reasons anymore."
"Hey," Jack said gamely, hoisting a smile on his face in an attempt to finally reign in his runaway feelings. "I'm just glad I got to keep you as long as I did."
She looked confused by his words, as if trying to ferret out the multiple meanings in that statement. Ironically, he wasn't sure what exactly he meant by it either. He pulled her hand off his arm, squeezing her hand briefly before letting go.
"You're going to be great, Carter," he said.
And then Jack reached for the handle, pulled the door open, and walked out of the room.