"You would." Charlus says. "You enjoy being difficult."
"Difficult? My dear Charlus, I'm never difficult. I just see things differently to other people, that's all."
"That's all? You start to argue against yourself if someone you dislike begins to agree with you-"
"And that is why I was never any good with open politics, unlike you, who was never any good at any politics. Now Mister Crouch," Artucus says, ignoring the indignant look on Charlus' face. "I want it known that I believe Albus Dumbledore to be a first class sanctimonious prat. I also want it known that if a trial is arranged for my grandson for tomorrow, the Magical Law Enforcement Department will receive a generous donation. Enough to give every auror triple their wage ever year for the next ten years. You follow me?"
Crouch goes an odd shade of puce. It's marvellous. "I do not accept bribes, Mr Black!" he splutters.
"No," Artucus says. "You wouldn't. But the minister for magic does, and I always prefer dealing with the very top of the food chain. It's always more efficient." He pulls a letter out from the inside pocket of his jacket, and hands it over. "It's an order for an official trial to take place tomorrow at noon." He explains. "Signed by Bagnold herself- a charming woman, most agreeable- by which I mean to say she's as corrupt as a coin that's had acid poured all over it- stop scowling at me Charlus, it's not my fault people actually take the bribes I offer. They're well within their rights to refuse, as Mr Crouch has just done." Charlus' mouth is set in a disapproving line- Gryffindors and their tiresome morality. Artucus plays within the rules of the game, and if the rules were stringent the game would be far more boring- if less difficult.
Crouch looks as if he's about to vomit. "Well." He says with difficulty. "I suppose I have no other choice but to call a trial. I will arrange for witnesses to be brought in, a defence lawyer-"
"I have a lawyer." Charlus and Artucus both say at exactly the same time. They exchange glances with each other. Charlus looks as if he's about to start arguing over whose they use, so Artucus says-
"They can work together. Cicero's sharp as razors, but she's never done a Wizengamot Case before- I assume you're still using that Empson fellow?"
"Yes." Charlus says. "You want him to brief this Cicero before the trial starts, on protocol, that sort of thing?"
Artucus is a little taken aback- that was exactly what he was going to suggest, and he'd expected Charlus to fight him on it, to demand that his lawyer over see the case. Charlus must have read his expression because he laughs a little. "Empson is a good lawyer. But he could send a house elf ordered to stay awake nodding right off, and he or she wouldn't feel at all guilty for the transgression. The court are going to assume Sirius is guilty. If they fall asleep, that's what they'll find him."
Artucus nods. "Agreed. So. We'll use my lawyer to defend and yours to council. I assume you have no objections to that, Mr Crouch?"
"Would this be Cicero Black?" Crouch enquires with a sniff.
Artucus sighs. "No. It would be Rachel Terentia Cicero, descendant of Marcus Tullius and his wife Terentia- who I believe was a squib from a family of squibs distantly related to the House of ...was it Malfoy? Yes, I think it must have been, I remember throwing the squib descendents in Abraxas Malfoy's face when he was being prissy about me kissing one of the boys in Ravenclaw-"
"She's not related to the defendant." Charlus interrupts. "It's perfectly legal for her to defend Sirius."
"Then you had best hope she does it well." Crouch says stiffly "Because if Black is found guilty of thirteen counts of murder, two counts of accessory to murder and the crime of treason, he'll be returned to the dementors for a kiss."