Author's note:
I love you people, always more and more! Thank you for the response on the previous chapter. You're amazing and I'm so honoured to write for all of you. :) Especially because you still stick with me (and hopefully until the end), even though my chapters frustrate you and the waiting for them is quite long too.
Dear Celine, you can kill me whenever you want. :D I'll be waiting. :D I'm so happy I can give you something so relaxing and satisfying, it's a pleasure. I actually watch many TV shows, so I know the feeling (for example, waiting for the new season of BBC Sherlock is a true torture) and I feel so flattered that you compared it with waiting for my chapters. I hope you'll like this chapter, because it's truly long. ;) And don't worry, this story will have a happy-end. Anything else didn't even occur my mind. Who else would write for them the happy ending if not fanfiction writers, right? ;)
Thank you so much, Guest! You said it exactly how I see it as well – she pushes away, he chases, she pushes away even more. She's really a frustrating character but that's what makes me to love writing her. :) Don't worry, the pushing game is almost over. ;)
Love all your contributions, Debbie. It's always a pleasure to hear from you. She'll work it out and very soon.
And Stephen, your review totally blew me away. I think I've never felt so honoured and flattered in my life when it comes to writing. To be assessed by someone who is a professional is pleasantly shocking and remarkable. It was an honour for me that my story was suggested to you. Thank you for all the words you wrote – both the criticism and appreciation. I take is as a constructive criticism because I am aware of this 'mistake' I'm doing all the time – dragging it for far too long. Trust me, I'm surprised that people keep coming back and read what I've written, because I know that my writing frustrates them. It's not usually in the plan, though. I get ideas during writing and I put them in there, which prolongs the whole procedure more than I originally intended. Which is not an excuse, if I was reader of my stories, I'd probably pull my hair out. I know I'm getting carried away with their characteristic, it's just something that doesn't want to let me go, even though I'm trying to decrease it. I thank YOU for your advice, the fact that you read all of this and I will take it into consideration, of course. It's my pleasure. Thank you so much for your contribution.
But, enough for the A/N – go enjoy the promised talk. Few revelations are on the way and I think you will like them. Though, this chapter is quite angsty.
Disclaimer:
I do not own NCIS or the characters.
Towel – Chapter 18
*** WHERE WE LEFT OFF ***
Ziva paused in surprise as her arousal disappeared without a trace. Although, she liked when he treated her as his lawful girlfriend, she didn't like the word he had used now. Mine. It got her back to reality to the necessary talk they had to carry out. To those reasons why they couldn't be together and to the fact that he apparently thought they made a couple. He was having false hopes about the future of their relationship and it was breaking her heart.
They had to talk and it had to be now. He had to realize that, yes, she loved him and she knew he loved her back. That they had slept together, actually, had made love more than had had sex. That they had given in to the attraction that had existed between them since the first day they had met. But they weren't a couple and, sadly, they would never be one. No matter how much they both wanted it.
She looked around to be sure that nobody was watching them, took his hand and turning around, dragged him out of the room. Since they were close to the big French windows, she quickly found the right one that was actually a door to the terrace outside. She shoved him there and slipped behind him, hoping that nobody had seen them. Just to be sure, she closed the door as quietly as she could.
*** AND NOW WE CONTINUE ***
She turned around to face him, catching him as he examined the new surroundings. The terrace was picturesque and stony, as well as quite roomy. There were planters with fresh flowers inside, probably prepared for tomorrow's ceremony. A small staircase lead to the garden of the hotel and the adjacent beach. Small lanterns only underlined the fairytale-like impression of the whole scenery with a moon above.
Although the air was pleasantly warm, Ziva shivered when Tony looked at her. It was apparently time to give him an explanation as to why she had pulled him out here. "You have to stop with this." She informed him choking, because the words were getting stuck in her throat. She didn't like to do this, but it was necessary.
Tony leaned against the wall, watching the people inside the hall through one of the French windows and pondered for a while what to say. Her tone hadn't been annoyed or angry. She was perfectly calm, so she wasn't mad at him. It actually looked as if she hadn't wanted to say that at all. But on the other hand, the urgency in her voice had told him that it was very important for her, nevertheless.
The question was – what was he supposed to stop with? Groping her in public? Making her horny? Was he supposed to reduce his self-confidence? He had thousand other ideas as to what she could have meant and even those he didn't want to admit. But her problem had to have some logical roots. He bit his lip contemplatively, not wanting to jump to conclusions and think about the worst case scenario.
"With what exactly, if I may ask?" He asked her quietly, not even glancing at her as he continued to observe the people inside. It seemed that nobody had noticed their little escape to the terrace.
She sighed, embracing herself with her arms and rubbing them up and down to make the blood flow and warm up her body. "You are acting as if we were a couple. And we are not one, Tony." She pointed out. What had happened between them in the afternoon was significant, of course. But they had never agreed on a relationship. There hadn't been any time to discuss this issue, after all.
His eyes left the hall and shifted onto her face, watching her quite suspiciously. Is she testing him through her alleged denial again? Sure, they didn't make a couple. Not yet. But he certainly wanted to enter into such a relationship with her and he had wanted it from the very beginning since he had stepped through the door, catching her wearing just a towel. It was his intention for a long time.
"Look, that denial of yours is really quite sweet and adorable, but don't you think it's time to finally admit what you feel and stop fighting against it?" He asked her, trying to keep his voice calm. It was very hard, though, because he was becoming frustrated with her inability to accept something that was part of her, constantly depriving herself of happiness. It was as if she thought she didn't deserve it.
Ziva watched him with sad expression. It pained her to do all of this. To literally break his heart, crush all of his hopes he'd apparently had when it came to them. She could see in his eyes how much he loved her and that everything he wanted was to make her happy. She wished to do the same for him. And for this sake, she had to suppress the love she felt for him and let him go. Because he wouldn't find his happiness with her. She was too damaged and he deserved better.
"No. Because, sadly, we will never make a couple. It's impossible for us to be together." She stated, revealing her thoughts over their future. He had to understand that their friendship and partnership were always on the first place. Romance was nice and all, but it wasn't meant for them.
He could see that she wasn't saying this because she had wanted to make him suffer or anything. She truly thought that they didn't stand a chance against their boss, their past and their personalities. She'd given up on them before he even had the opportunity to show her that they were able to make it work. Although it required a lot of hard work, he was willing to make the efforts. And he was sure that she was the same hard worker as him.
"And can I know why?" He asked her, leaving out the wrath and sarcasm in his voice. He needed her to talk to him, and he needed not to make her feel pushed or offended by his approach. But he couldn't control his face, which contorted into chilling expression that made her shiver.
She noticed that he wasn't too far away from losing it and starting to yell at her for her constant denial. She appreciated his endeavour to keep things calm, though. It was better to talk to him in peace than start some heated argument accompanied by screaming and harsh words. She needed a peaceful atmosphere for the explanation of her thoughts and worries.
She sighed deeply in sadness, lowering her head as she tried to find the right words. Turning around, she looked up at the sky, seeking the answer there. But the stars and the moon couldn't help her to solve this matter. She made a few steps forward, going on the other side of the terrace, further away from the French windows, and stopped in the corner of the balustrade.
She watched the garden scenery for a while in complete silence, sensing his gaze on her. "Tony, you know very well that there are plenty of reasons for why we can't be together, why it wouldn't work between us and why we didn't cross the line many times before." She said, putting her hands on the marble balustrade and showing him her back.
For some reason, she didn't have enough courage to tell him this to his face. She didn't know exactly what she was afraid of, but she knew that he wouldn't like the words she'd just let out of her mouth. She hoped, at least, that the choice of her words was convincing enough to tell him that she really considered those as serious and that she wasn't just making things up.
When she didn't get any reaction from him, she turned around and leaned against the balustrade. He was watching her coldly, apparently fighting with his inner self to bottle up the anger that burnt in his veins, not wanting to cause an outburst. She noticed as his hands curled into fists and his breathing sped up. But it was just a matter of time, so she decided not to prolong it anymore. His attempts to keep himself calm and not to start shouting were signs that he wouldn't let it to turn into a bawling quarrel.
"Those reasons were there even in the afternoon. Just because you decided to ignore them doesn't mean that they stopped existing." She uttered, adding a tinge of an accusing tone, because she really had the impression that he completely disregarded all the respect to their partnership and friendship. He purely focused on the possible romance, which she considered to be a bit selfish. After all, their friendship was something she valued greatly and she didn't want to lose it due to failed romance relationship.
He watched her motionlessly, sorting out his thoughts and pondering what to say. As much as he wanted to start shouting at her to finally get her shit together and tell him exactly what she wanted and expected, he decided against it. Yelling at her would have the effect he wanted to avoid – she would build thick walls around herself and it would take him an eternity to get through them again.
So, instead, he straightened up and went over to her. Not quickly or hastily. He didn't intend to scare her off. He just wanted to look into her eyes while saying what he had in mind. "Yes, I did ignore them." He agreed with her that he didn't think at all about those reasons that had been holding them back from giving in to the mutual attraction sooner.
They both knew very well, as she pointed out, what those reasons were. They had discussed them once during one of their non-dates. Truth be told, they had both been a bit tipsy. Even though not entirely drunk, the dazed mood had brought up few questions about their relationship, so they had talked about it lightly, then never mentioned it again. But that didn't mean that Tony wanted those reasons to ruin his life.
Standing in front of her, he put a finger under her chin and lifted her gaze to his. "Because I'm tired of denying my heart what it screams for." He said decisively, wanting to show her that he was more serious than ever and that 'it' was actually her. His heart screamed for her. It wasn't about any disrespect. He had sacrificed everything he could for his job and it was time to heal some of those scars.
Then he palmed her face, softening his gaze into an amorous one as he stopped hiding his true feelings. "And back in that room, Ziva, you had a chance to stop me. But you didn't. There must have been reason for that." He gently pushed her into the right direction to go ahead and tell him what she felt for him. He wanted her to admit that her feelings for him were strong enough to stop think about why succumbing to them had been wrong. That was why she had given in, eventually, and made love to him.
She was staring into his eyes, blinking slowly to absorb his words. He was right, of course. There was a reason why she had given in. And that was the fact that her love for him had overpowered her because she had been suppressing it for far too long. Her want for him had seized control over her, because that sexual tension between them had lasted for eternity and even she'd had enough of waiting.
She hadn't stopped him simply because she hadn't wanted to. And if they had been in that room again, and Tony had entered her room in a way he actually did, she would have given in all over again. With everything she knew now, that he loved her, deeply and genuinely, that he was an attentive lover, that his every touch and kiss made her weak in her knees, it wasn't that hard to succumb to it.
"What do you want me to tell you? That I liked it? Fine! Because I did. I'm glad it happened." She told him because she still had the impression that he didn't believe she had stopped regretting it. At first, she'd had doubts but that had been because she had believed he'd only taken advantage of the situation and used her for his own satisfaction. But now, she firmly believed that he truly loved her. He'd proven it numerous times over the last few hours.
He gave her a silly smile, not being able to hide the fact that he felt flattered. And not flattered in the boastful, self-important way. But in the way that he knew he had done his job right and brought the gratification not only to himself, but to her as well. And on top of that, she dispersed every doubt that she had still been having second thoughts about what had happened. Otherwise, she wouldn't be glad for the events in her room.
She, however, continued in her speech, taking his hands into hers and holding them while looking directly into his eyes. "But it was just one moment, Tony. One powerful, sensational and exceptional moment that I will cherish in my memory for the rest of my life. But that was all it was. Just one and only one moment that can't happen again. We can't continue in this." She almost pleaded with him, showing her urgency by squeezing his hands to make him understand.
Those reasons just stood in their way to happiness and overcoming them required too many sacrifices. And she wasn't sure whether she was ready to sacrifice so many things, especially their partnership and friendship, to pursue a romantic relationship with him. However, it didn't mean she wasn't glad for those few moments when she had managed to forget about everything and just to live it out.
Tony sighed sadly, still holding her hands and watching her face. He could see in her eyes that she truly meant the words she had said. He could also see that she would love to give it a chance but she was so convinced about the seriousness and importance of the reasons why they couldn't be together, that it was hard for her to accept the opportunity that had come along.
"And you think that any of those reasons will change how I feel about you? I love you, Ziva. Those feelings just won't go away in the blink of an eye." He presented her his view on the whole situation, cupping her face to be sure she could watch his eyes.
His feelings for her were too strong to forget about, or at least to pretend to. He was willing to take the risk, so she couldn't want him to put it all behind them. He believed that the love they felt towards each other was worth the fight that they had to endure. She couldn't expect that he would agree with her and let her ruin the progress they had made in the last few hours.
She gasped silently as the familiar warmth spread through her veins after she heard his love confession once more. However, they had a huge misunderstanding here. She didn't want him to throw his feelings for her away, not at all. She loved him, too, even though it confused her that he was so certain about it. She just wanted to make him understand that there were other factors that guaranteed successful relationship, and mutual love was just one of them.
Blinking rapidly to get herself out of the amorous haze that had enveloped her, regaining some of her stern self-confidence back, she released his hands and raked her hair. "That is not my problem, but yours. Deal with it, get over it. In the same way as I did." She snapped, wanting from him to understand that this wasn't about their feelings. He wasn't getting the seriousness of the situation they were in. In her eyes, he was disrespecting their friendship and their partnership.
He narrowed his eyes at her, not quite believing to what she had said. Does this mean she forgot about her feelings for him? That she had dealt with it during the last few minutes? He definitely wasn't buying it. What he didn't understand was why she constantly refused to fight for them, if it was what she obviously desired. He understood that she was held back by those reasons why they couldn't be together. But if they stood together and supported each other, they could overcome any obstacle in their way.
When he noticed she moved to get away from him, his hand shot up, taking her by her arm to prevent her from leaving. This conversation was far away from its end. "You don't want to come up with that bullshit that you feel nothing towards me again, do you?" He attacked her, his voice infected with the anger that was boiling inside him. Nothing she had done so far matched with her words to prove him such a statement.
She lifted her eyes to him, feeling a bit desperate because they got caught in a vicious circle of their feelings for one another, instead of solving the real problems they had. "I didn't say that. Of course I feel... something." She admitted, lowering her eyes to cover the lie she was saying. 'Something' definitely didn't correspond to what she felt. But it was better not to admit her true feeling if she was supposed to make him understand that it wasn't their destiny to be a couple.
When she looked back at him, he raised his eyebrow in question, apparently waiting for explanation as to what that 'something' was, and signing to her that he didn't believe her a word she had said. That was making her nervous, because she still hoped that the thought that she might have said something without realizing it was just a pure imagination of her mind. She refused to believe that she would confess her love for him and not be aware of it.
"I just don't know where you got that my feelings for you are just as strong as yours are for me." She stated with shaky resolution, because she didn't like lying to him, but it was necessary. This time, she managed to squeeze into the gap between him and the balustrade to get away from his closeness.
She headed immediately for the door of the terrace, wanting to go back inside, but then she changed her mind. It wasn't fair to him to leave in the middle of a conversation she had started. She had dragged him in here, she had wanted to talk, so it would be really sordid to run away. Stepping back, she went over to the column where the staircase started, watching the garden below and immersing herself in the sound of nearby sea.
Tony let her to pass by him, trying to tame his anger as he put his hands on the balustrade, breathing heavily. He didn't have any other choice than to use what he originally didn't want to use at all – her love confession from the afternoon. The confession she had made right into his ear in that sweetly soft, husky tone while he had been paying attention to her earlobes. The confession she apparently didn't have any idea she had made and that probably hadn't been meant for his ears.
"Because I heard you, Ziva. I heard you to tell me you love me." He stated, his voice quivering with emotions. It was a long shot, he knew that. After all, if she didn't have the slightest idea what she had said, then she could easily deny it. But it was worth the attempt.
Since he was still with his back turned to her, he didn't see as her whole body stiffened and her eyes widened in shock when she had heard his statement. She had to grasp at the column to keep herself standing as the paralyzing wave of realization shot through her. Momentarily, she even forgot to breathe and gasped for air when her lungs started to demand their usual dose of fresh air.
It was as if nightmare turned into reality. Something, she thought it couldn't ever happen, had actually happened. In her memories, she returned back into her room, straight in the bed with him, and relived the blissful feeling she had felt when the orgasm had hit her. Her heart rate quickened, her breathing laboured and she closed her eyes to focus her mind completely on that particular moment.
To her complete astonishment, she recalled as words 'I love you' had left her mouth in a whisper that had been barely audible. She remembered that he had been delightfully nipping her earlobes at that moment, so he must have heard it. But she had been so enveloped in her own sensual satisfaction that she hadn't realized what she had been saying and to whom.
He'd truly managed to suppress her consciousness in a way nobody ever had before. She hadn't been aware of her own actions, of her own words, and such a thought was terrifying, of course. She'd always been a woman who relied on her awareness. And, suddenly, she couldn't rely on it anymore. Because the love she felt for this man was stronger than everything she'd ever experienced.
Tony turned around to face her, quite surprised that there was no reaction from her side. She looked like frozen, grasping the column in her hand and staring absently in front of her as if she had seen a ghost. Or at least he guessed so, because she was standing with her back to him. A stance they were applying a lot tonight, as he noticed. The good thing was that she didn't leave, didn't argue, didn't protest or didn't deny it.
"You might not be aware that you said it aloud, but I know what I heard. And it wasn't heat of the moment. You said you loved me, because you feel that way about me." He informed her, dismissing her potential protest that she could have said it just because it was such a thing people said to each other while making love.
Ziva gulped, which was the only movement she was able to produce in her state of shock. Things were suddenly very clear. It explained everything. If she'd really confessed her love for him in a way he knew she had meant it, it was obvious why he was so confident about her feelings. Why he considered their potential relationship worth fighting for and why he'd said 'I love you, too' when he had told her about his feelings while leaving her room in a haste because McGee had been searching for him.
His self-confidence couldn't have any better explanation than this, because he knew she had been lying to him all along. She was totally numb. The shock penetrated into every fibre of her being, paralyzing her on the spot. She didn't know what to say or how to react, because, honestly, she didn't see a way out of this. More lies and denials would only worsen things and they certainly wouldn't help. She would destroy the mutual trust between them which was exactly she didn't want.
She heard him as he crossed the terrace in a few strides, taking her gently by her arm and turning her around so he could see her face. The sentence he wanted to say died on his lips when he noticed her 'deer-caught-in-the-headlights' expression. It was obvious that if she hadn't been aware of her confession before, she was now pretty convinced that it'd actually happened, because she'd had the suspicion. Thus, she knew about her feelings and had admitted them to herself earlier. There was no way that his feelings weren't reciprocated with the same intensity.
Holding her elbow, he lifted his other hand and traced it lightly over her lips, locking his gaze with hers. "But you had an idea it might have slipped out of your mouth, right?" He asked her in all seriousness, not being able to mask the trace of hurt both in his voice and face. He couldn't believe that she would be so caught up in those reasons why they couldn't be together that she would lie to him so shamelessly.
Ziva noticed the painful expression and it was breaking her heart. She didn't want to hurt him. It was the last thing she wanted to do, because he didn't deserve it at all. But she had to admit that her lies with which she had been feeding him, only added to the pain he had to feel. Unable to do anything but gulp once more, she stared into his eyes and pondered how to answer.
"Tony... I..." She started, but immediately stopped because she didn't have any idea what to tell him. There wasn't any way to justify her lies and half-truths. But he waited for some explanation and she knew he deserved it, a good one.
Lowering her head, feeling ashamed, she tried to overcome the block she had created, so she wouldn't have to deal with analyzing her own feelings. Denial was no good, but admitting her mistakes and her love for him was something she didn't want to do, either. It didn't feel right, not this way. She could now understand why he hesitated so much with confessing his love for her, because even she had dreamt about different situation and completely different circumstances.
"It wasn't supposed to happen." She said sadly as the guilt she felt over her contradictory behaviour tormented her mind. She didn't dare to look into his eyes. Rather, she studied the stony floor beneath her feet.
He watched her for a long second, trying to figure out exactly what wasn't supposed to happen, but then he realized it was better to ask her, than to read between lines of her statements. He took her by her chin with his free hand and quite sharply lifted it up, so he could see her face. Even though she tried to defy at first, he managed to make an eye contact with her to ensure she would be sincere with him.
"What? Falling in love with me? Or telling me so?" He asked her sternly, trying to keep his emotions in check, but it was getting harder by each passing second. He wanted answers, and clear ones. Not evasive, not vague and not ambiguous. He wanted to resolve this once and for all.
"Both." She replied without thinking, biting her tongue immediately once the word had left her mouth. But she couldn't take it back. And judging by his subsequent behaviour, she'd just hurt him like never before.
A sharp intake of breath followed after his face contorted with a sudden blast of shock. He couldn't believe his ears, and wondered for a while whether he hadn't heard wrong. But the cruel reality dawned on him with a crushing force, sending him into a whirlwind of emotions. His love for her turned into unimaginable anguish. His heart started to bleed as it was ripped out of his chest and thrown away carelessly.
She probably didn't understand the meaning behind the simple word she had said. For him, it meant that his whole world began to spin as if it was trying to disentangle itself from the cobweb of lies he had been living in for the past few hours. And not only hours, but days, weeks, months and – even worse – years. Everything he'd believed had been part of their relationship got destroyed because he wasn't sure which of it was real and what was purely his imagination.
She hadn't only shown him that telling him that she'd accidentally fallen in love with him had been a mistake, and that she hadn't had any intention to tell him to truth ever in her life. She'd also confirmed that the falling in love with him itself had been one of the greatest mistakes she had ever made. That she had regretted it and cursed the moment it had happened.
He released her elbow and stepped away from her in disgust. He tried to stop the pain that was paralyzing his heart, but it seemed to be impossible. He couldn't believe that he had been so mistaken in her. Because he felt it differently. He cherished the day he had fallen in love with her, and admitted those feelings, as one of the most liberating days of his life. It had been pure joy for him, even though it had been a long time ago.
But apparently not for her. She had convinced herself that to be in a relationship with him was wrong. And just because of some reasons like their work and their personalities. To fall in love with him just wasn't supposed to happen. And he wasn't supposed to find out. Ever. She had ruled out their chance for a happy ending without him and without considering his opinions and feelings.
Ziva felt the guilt penetrate her mind and her heart, because she realized how much her words had affected and shocked him. He looked almost disgusted, as if he regretted that he had ever met her. She knew that she needed to fix it, even though she didn't know how. But he had to know that her love for him was real and that she cherished the feeling, despite her claims that it wasn't supposed to happen.
"I mean, it's not a bad thing, but..." She tried it, taking a step forward. But she fell silent when he took a step back, raising his hands in defence as if he was casting out a demon.
She closed her eyes, trying to expel the tears that were forming there. She looked at him with an imploring gaze, trying, again, to explain that she couldn't get over those reasons so easily, because they were important and he had to understand that. But she would never regret what had happened between them, because she really was glad for it. However, that fate wasn't favourable to them.
"I wish I could give in to it, Tony. You don't even know how much I want it. Unfortunately, I can't. I tried, but I failed." She told him, showing him that the greatest desire was to be with him. But her past experiences weren't the best ones. They had ended up with death or betrayal and she couldn't risk that with him. She loved him too much to include him into the curse that she was living under.
He stared at her, trying to control his emotions, but a few tears fell down his cheek. Whether they were caused by the pain or anger, he didn't know and he didn't care. He didn't know if he should believe her or not. On the one hand, he wanted so much to trust her, but on the other, she had crushed him so many times that he was sceptical about the truthfulness of her words.
Nevertheless, when she made another step forward, he stood rooted to the floor, letting her to put her hands on his cheeks and wipe off the wetness there. Before he had the chance to react, she leaned in and kissed him, locking her lips sweetly around his. His hands naturally and unwittingly embraced her, enjoying the kiss, even though something was off.
It was more like a goodbye kiss, than a kiss that should prove to him that she meant her love sincerely. And he couldn't let it happen, he couldn't say goodbye to her. He had forbidden himself to love her so many times that he knew very well that it was one of the most impossible things in the world. The heart wants what it wants. And his heart wanted her, not caring about anything, or anyone, else.
He broke the kiss, taking her hands into his and, once again, trying to convince her that their love was worth to fight for. "And I can't believe that you would throw it all away. I love you, Ziva. I've changed. I've changed for you." He told her, the desperation dripping from his voice as he talked to her soul in attempt to change her mind. He didn't omit the remark that he'd really changed. He had grown up immensely and only thanks to her.
She returned his look, not able to hide the pain in her eyes, because it was tearing her apart that she was doing this to him. She even smiled, though faintly, because she wanted to appreciate the change he had come through. The fact that he had done it for her, to be a better person for her and not a perpetual womanizer as he had been used to being, made her feel special. Because men usually didn't change for the women they loved. Least of all willingly. But he had achieved it all by himself.
Nonetheless, it all just deepened her conviction that she wasn't worthy of him and worthy of his love in any way. He had done too much for her while she had done nothing and had only let him down. She palmed his face to look straight into his eyes and prove her sincerity. "This isn't about you, Tony. This is about me. Can't you see that? I am the wrong one!" She told him, trying to ignore the hopelessness with which he held her body in his arms, as if he was afraid that she might leave.
She felt rather desperate, too. He needed to understand that she was no good for him, that she would bring him only problems that he certainly didn't want to deal with. He should forget about her, expel her from his mind and forbid himself to think about her. It pained her a lot, but it was necessary if she didn't want to lose him as her partner and her friend. And she was sure she would lose him if she acted on what she felt deep inside of her heart. That was just something she couldn't afford.
"Just look at what I'm doing to you now. I didn't want it to get this far and hurt you that much. I don't deserve you and I never will." She remarked, feeling awful for the pain he had to feel that couldn't match hers. She felt ashamed that her feelings had gotten the better of her and she hadn't been able to stop him back in her room, thus she had given him a false hope, even though she had known there was none. Things had gotten out of control, and she had been too weak to gain to control back.
Tony didn't like the way she was thinking about herself. She wasn't an angel, that was for sure. But he wasn't saint, either. Sure, she was hurting him very much at the moment, but it could be fixed if she decided to change her mind. "Please, don't do this. Don't condemn us before we even had the chance to try. Give us that chance, Ziva. We can make this work." He wasn't giving up and kept on trying to convince her zealously. He knew that if he stopped, it would be over and he wouldn't lose just his hope, but also his mind.
She needed to give them the chance to try. They deserved it for all those years they hadn't said a word about their true feelings, for all those failed relationships they both had been in and for all those hopes they'd had when it came to true love. Hell, even Gibbs had given them their blessing, even though not directly. She didn't know about that, but he knew that he could use it only when the right time came.
Stunned by his unrelenting effort and persuasion skills, which she'd already had the chance to experience earlier, she sighed wearily. He was too determined and she was running out of arguments. "Tony..." She tried to protest, putting enough emphasis into his name to make him understand that she had said everything she had wanted to say, and there was no further discussion needed.
He silenced her, though, with a finger on her lips. "Look, I know it's going to be hell of a fight. And I know you're scared. But we're both fighters, especially you. We just have to..." He talked to her, looking directly into her eyes, literally pouring fresh blood into her veins. That's how heartening his tone was. But his sentence was cut off by someone who called his name.
"Tony?" McGee's voice called out into the light darkness of the terrace, purposely avoiding looking at Ziva because he didn't want to poke his nose into their private matters. He actually hadn't meant to interrupt them at all, because he had noticed that they were in the middle of some heated conversation. But Gibbs had ordered him to find Tony and get him where he was supposed to be, whatever it cost. And you just don't defy your boss, even though you're not on your duty at the moment.
"WHAT?!" Tony literally shouted as the anger he had tried to suppress and the frustration over the constant interruptions when he needed to be alone with Ziva came to the surface. He had turned his head aside and yelled over his shoulder because his wrath wasn't aimed at the woman in front of him. At least not at that particular moment.
Ziva jumped a bit at his evidently annoyed tone, quickly wiping away the tears that had threatened to fall for quite some time. She needed to gain her composure back if their conversation was supposed to look completely normal, and not just some kind of secret rendezvous. She noted that McGee was avoiding her gaze intentionally, so she did the same and, rather, focused her eyes on the garden below her.
Tim was taken aback by the rage he could feel from Tony's voice. He hadn't expected him to be that mad just because he had dared to disturb whatever they were doing on the terrace. "We're splitting up. We should go into the lounge, Jimmy's expecting us there." He answered cagily, informing Tony that the rehearsal dinner advanced to the next step.
Tony huffed, seriously not caring about some rehearsal dinner or anyone's needs, but he knew that he needed to get rid of McGee. "Fine! I'll be there in a minute. I have some business to take care of first." He snapped back, trying to keep his anger on the lowest possible level. But the emotional roller-coaster he had gone through over the last few minutes was playing with his self-restraint.
They all waited for few seconds in complete silence. McGee expected Tony to go back inside immediately, while Tony expected Tim to leave and let him finish his conversation with Ziva. Ziva stood in the middle of all these expectations, not knowing what to say or how to act. All she knew was that their talk was over for now, because they couldn't continue when they had to be somewhere else.
"Uhm..." McGee broke the silence, trying to signal Tony that all he was waiting for was him. Gibbs would probably head slap him if he returned without Tony. And he certainly didn't want to risk that.
"Get out, Tim!" Tony barked, reddening in anger, even though it wasn't that visible in the dim light of the terrace's lanterns. He was narked that much, that he didn't even bother to invent some McName for his surrogate brother.
Tim shrugged and, without a word, turned on his heel, stepping inside the hall and closed the door behind him. Tony waited patiently for a little while just to be sure that he wouldn't come back and then he turned back to Ziva. When he saw her face, he knew that this was probably the end of the discussion. He could clearly see that from the decisive expression that appeared there.
"Go, Tony." She told him calmly before he could open his mouth and say something to start pursuing her again.
He shot her an incredulous look, getting tired of her postponing their talks. They needed to be carried out, sooner or later, so she couldn't avoid it. And he wasn't going to give up. "Ziva, no! We have to finish this." He dismissed her idea resolutely, swearing to himself that if she tried to put off those matters that they needed to talk over, he would throw her over his shoulder and take her into his room, locking them up in there.
She sighed, crossing her arms across her chest. She knew that he was right – the conversation needed to be finished. But once more, the circumstances were against them and, this time, they couldn't just ignore it. She didn't like to do this and she hated to delay the solving of their problems. But this was about their responsibilities and their duties. And she always did everything she could to behave as a level-headed person and not a reckless one.
"We have to behave responsibly, Tony. I would like to finish this conversation, too. But you can't forget the reason why we are here. This is Jimmy's and Breena's weekend. It's their wedding. This weekend isn't about us. It's about them." She reminded him carefully, pointing out their responsibilities.
He lowered his head, silently agreeing with her. He had gotten too caught up in his own desires that he had neglected to remember the main motive for their presence in this place. And, truth be told, he was glad for the autopsy gremlin and his wife-to-be. He wished them the best. He suddenly felt ashamed that he was putting his needs above their wedding. Because he was truly happy he was here to witness it.
"Besides, McGee already knows where we are. If we don't go there, they will be looking for us. We have duties on this rehearsal dinner, so we have to keep our promises. And... We can always talk later." She rounded it off with the most important remark with evident regret in her eyes. She felt just as sorry for the interruption as he did.
If they stayed here, the others would find them, anyway. In the worst case, it could be Gibbs himself. To go through the hall to get lost somewhere else was out of the question, since Breena's half was supposed to be there. And she didn't know whether it was possible to get through the garden to find some other entrance to the hotel. There was no other way out of this situation than to end this discussion and go to do what was demanded of them.
Tony couldn't do anything else but nod in agreement. She was right, after all. If they didn't want to raise pointless suspicion, they would have to put off this talk for some other free moment. "Fine, I know. You're right. We'll talk later, then." He admitted his defeat in surprisingly calm voice, stepping away from her a bit to prove that he was giving up for the time being.
She smiled lightly, seeing that he was sad over it, because he had probably thought that the matter would have gotten solved on the terrace. To soothe his disappointment, she approached him and put her hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently. He lifted his head up and looked at her, smiling back to thank her for her effort to make him feel better. At least he had achieved a mutual understanding between them when it came to their feelings.
She sent him another sweet smile and moved to pass by him but he took her by her elbow and drew her back to him. "You do realize that I'm not going to drop it, right? That I won't let you to run away from it?" He asked her, assuring her that he would hunt her down if it was necessary, to finish what they had started. And, also, just in case she wouldn't appear in the lounge, where she was supposed to go after she had handed over the gift for Breena.
She fearlessly stared into his eyes, comprehending his need to tell her such words, even though it wasn't necessary. She understood that by 'later', he had meant still tonight. "I figured that out, already." She acknowledged calmly, nodding in affirmation that he had been clear and she'd gotten the message. She didn't have any other choice, anyway. After what had happened between them, after revelations about their feelings for one another, it was just impossible to go back to the state of things as they were before.
He gave her a silly smile, with a completely smitten look appearing on his face out of nowhere, as he turned to her and raised his hand to caress her hair. He was doing it with such affection that it began to make her feel all warm inside. She was hypnotized by his gaze, licking her lips, unknowingly, to prepare them for a kiss. Because she knew that this situation screamed for it.
And she wasn't mistaken. After a very long second when he was staring into her eyes with all the love he felt, he leaned in and pressed his lips on hers in a sweet, tender kiss. It was more of a reassurance of his feelings for her than some passionate, crazy kiss full of changing angles as the tongues toyed with each other. He wanted to let her know that whatever happened, he wouldn't change his mind because his heart wouldn't allow it.
"I love you." He whispered across her lips, not minding to repeat it all over again. Those were words he had been dying to say for a very long time. So, he was using every chance he got to do it. And it was also a reminder for her, just in case she might forget what kind of feelings he had for her.
Feeling all giddy, she stared at him with a face full of love as the pleasant feeling spread through her veins and embedded in her heart. This time without any need to hide, any need to cover or any need for suppression. She was sure about her feelings like never before. Nevertheless, she still wasn't ready to tell him those three words so plainly, and something like 'I know' seemed to be very inappropriate at this moment.
"Likewise." She replied in a husky whisper, quite surprised by her own courage to get the word out of her mouth.
His smile turned into wide, contended grin, because the feelings were definitely mutual and he couldn't feel any happier. It wasn't exactly the words he wanted to hear, but it was something she couldn't deny later. They were both here, they heard very clearly what she had said and that was enough. Even though they had to split up for a while, this conversation on the terrace was worth of everything.
He kissed her once more, glad that she didn't resist, but welcomed it. He just wanted to enjoy and memorize the sweetness and beauty of the pleasant feeling that shot through him when he was kissing the woman he loved, knowing she loved him back. Nothing in the world could compare to it. Afterwards, he caressed her face with his thumb and with a teasing wink, he turned around and left the terrace.
Ziva stood there for a while, trying to ingest the events of the last few minutes. His kiss still burned on her lips but she eventually shivered because she didn't feel the warmth he had been producing when he had stood next to her anymore. Breathing in and out deeply, making her heart stop hammering and get back to normal, she left the terrace behind as well, closing the door and heading towards celebrating Breena.
End of Chapter 18
I know you want to scream at me for the ending (and probably for the whole chapter). But I need to do that to keep up with the timeline of the story and its logic because we can't forget about the event that is going on. And I promised that you will see Breena and Jimmy's wedding in this story, so I also have to include the other details that concerns it. Plus, I want to involve Abby and McGee into this, as well, to deal with certain worries and all. Since Tony and Ziva are giving a lot of thought how their relationship will influence their partnership and friendship, other people might have similar concerns as well and we should think about them.
So, the next chapter is a little intermezzo and then I promise you that you will get what you want. This interruption that occurred in this chapter won't change Ziva's mind about her feelings. Trust me, because in the next one, she comes to the ultimate conclusion that sometimes you have to risk even your own heart. ;) Because the heart wants what it wants. We'll soon shift to the bunch of chapters full of fluffy things, so I think the waiting will paid off, in the end. And I promise there won't be any more drama. Just sweet, cute couple stuff.
Anyway, hopefully the next chapter will be up in another 14 days. It's almost done but I'm getting into the phase of my every day studying on my finals so it's getting hard to make some time for writing. Not to mention that Ice Hockey World Championship starts on Friday and you know, ice hockey is national sport in here, the tournament is hosted by my country so, I'll be all ice hockey and my studies for the next three weeks.
I love you all, thank you for the ongoing support, your kind words and your freaking awesome patience because you keep surprising me with the loyalty you have for the story. I know you have to hate me for the loads of angst I'm throwing it at you but hold on, we're almost over with that. Have a nice rest of the April and beginning of May! :)