VI. Not Yet

It was now the tenth of March, and good weather had abruptly returned to the school grounds after two months of snow and frostbitten hands. While most everyone was happy about this, it also meant that the professors were now in better spirits and gaily gave twice the homework as they had before. It was a good thing that Remus rather enjoyed doing schoolwork, or it would have been unbearable.

Remus was twelve years old as of today. He was sure that one's birthday was a big to-do for most people, but Remus' birthdays had rarely been spectacular, and this year had certainly not broken the tradition. The only way today was different from any other was that he had woken up with some presents at his bedside table, and some of the first year boys had wished him a happy birthday when they realized what they must be there for. He'd received new clothes for the warm months ahead and some additional spending money from his parents. He also unwrapped a fancy telescope from a rich aunt who seemed sympathetic and yet too afraid to meet him in person, and a box of candy from Lily Evans.

Once finished opening them, Remus had simply tucked his gifts away and gone downstairs to finish his homework. It was a Sunday, after all, and classes would begin again tomorrow.

Aside from now being twelve, Remus had brown hair, brown eyes, an exceptionally small stature, and a lycanthropy problem. Every full moon, this now twelve years old body of his would change into a fearsome beast that preyed upon human beings—he was a werewolf, in other words, and Remus could not have dreamed of attending Hogwarts if not for Professor Dumbledore recently becoming headmaster.

Of course, for the majority of each lunar cycle, Remus was just an average first year. He had discovered thus far that he was clearly not cut out for broomstick riding—his first attempt had been disastrous—but he still enjoyed every class (aside from History of Magic) and learning how to do new things with his wand. After the initial bout of homesickness and sleepless nights, he was even beginning to like not being looked after quite so closely.

Sadly, this happy side of his Hogwarts experience was not the entire story: months into his school career, Remus still struggled with his social life. He knew going in that making friends wouldn't be easy for someone who never had one his whole life, but it still might have been easier if people didn't so often take a single look at Remus and quickly move away. Remus still bore reminders of a year old accident on his face, after all, and also acquired some new scratches with each full moon, but this alone couldn't explain why so many people chose to avoid him.

Rumors were circulating around the school, that much was for certain. He sometimes caught people whispering about him behind their hands—particularly the Slytherins—and as of a few weeks ago, Severus Snape had stopped talking to him entirely. It was most likely Lucius Malfoy who fueled these rumors, though perhaps he knew less details than he'd initally let on, as Remus had not yet caught wind of a consistent story.

Regardless of what Lucius had done or what his intentions were, he had definitely succeeded in making Remus feel depressed. To finally be noticed and yet purposefully ignored at the same time… that basically made him an outcast, didn't it?

The only person who remained the ever-friendly companion to Remus was the Muggle-born Lily Evans, who was a very pretty redhead, but a little odd in her own way. Lily's humorous tendency to sock anyone who made her angry had earned her a number of friends, though, and Remus couldn't bare the thought of asking her to devote more time to him.

And so Remus was forced to make do with only the most casual of connections with his schoolmates, and secretly enjoyed things like being assigned a partner in class or when someone occasionally asked to borrow some parchment. Remus knew that he was indeed taking one step forward and two steps back as far as this whole 'learning to interact with other human beings' business, but he also could not help thinking that a more distant friend was less likely to notice when he grew sick on a regular basis and could not attend class. And he would truly rather keep what he had with Lily, rather than losing her entirely like he had with Severus.

Remus was far from concerned with socializing just at this moment, though, and had his face hovering over his Transfiguration essay as he reread it for clarity. Normally the common room was a poor choice for anyone interested in quiet, but an enticing breeze coming in through the tower windows had apparently forced most other Gryffindors outside to enjoy the weather.

"Remus, do you remember what you'd use snake fangs for?"

Lily had come down from the girls' dormitory, holding a test review sheet in her hands. Remus was surprised that she had not gone with everyone else, but then again, Lily was not the average, lackadaisical student.

"Er," Remus answered. He furrowed his brow, trying to remember what exactly it was that Professor Slughorn had written on the board when they had first used snake fangs toward the beginning of the year. "I… think they're used in a lot of remedies, like curing boils, but I might be thinking of horned toads. I need to look that up myself when I get to it."

"That doesn't make much sense though," said Lily. "Wouldn't snake fangs be used in poisons?"

"Maybe they are," Remus said, but he was almost certain that it was the other way around.

Lily gave her review sheet another look and rolled up the parchment.

"Well it isn't One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi, obviously, so I guess this means a trip to the library. Thanks anyway, Remus, and Happy Birthday again."

"Thanks," Remus responded sulkily, and watched with a sigh as Lily exited through the portrait hole. Now he wished more than ever that he could just put his books down and go fraternize with the other Gryffindors—but alas, he was rather short on people to fraternize with.

"I'm pretty sure you were right about the snake fangs."

Another person had not gone outside, and this turned out to be the mousy-haired Peter Pettigrew. He stood there with a rather mousy look on his face, too, his exceptionally pointed nose twitching in the direction that Lily had gone.

"Don't do that!" Remus sputtered, straightening back up after nearly falling out of his seat. There was something about having an enormous secret weighing on him that made him jumpy at times.

"Sorry," Peter said. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"Don't worry," Remus grumbled. Peter was one of those people who seemed to have a genetic disposition of not having friends, much like Remus. He also had a knack for appearing suddenly when you least expected it.

"Can I sit?" Peter asked, gesturing to an armchair next to the table.

"I don't mind."

Peter dropped into the chair and set about gazing intently at Remus, who now looked sideways at the wall. There was nothing distinctly wrong with Peter, but Remus didn't care to associate with someone who always seemed to be observing others at a distance. The last thing he needed in another person was a keen sense of observation, thank you.

"You seem to really get along with Evans," said Peter.

"What does that mean?"

"I dunno. It's just… well, she's pretty popular."

"And?"

"I don't mean anything by that," Peter said vaguely, shaking his head. "It's just… what's she doing, hanging out with him?"

"What?" Remus asked. He was now extremely confused. "Who?"

"You know who I'm talking about. Severus Snape."

Remus frowned at him.

"Lily and Severus were friends before they came to Hogwarts," he said. He wasn't quite sure what Peter was trying to get at, but was already starting to wish he hadn't brought it up.

"That's odd," said Peter. "Isn't Evans a Muggle-born?"

"Yes."

"Huh. I wonder how they got to know each other. Muggle-borns aren't usually friends with Slytherin types, you know. Goes against the grain and everything."

"I don't quite understand it myself. She spends more time with him than me, and half the time they don't even seem to get along—"

"Are you jealous of him, then?"

Remus deliberately turned away from Peter in his chair.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to offend you, honest, I'm just trying to make sense of things. Can't ever keep my mouth shut, either…"

"Peter," Remus grumbled impatiently, "was there something you wanted to tell me, or can I get back to—?"

"Well, er," Peter mumbled, twisting his hands. "Oh. That's right. James and Sirius told me that they were going to go dump a load of ink on the next person to pass down the fourth floor corridor."

Remus snapped his head back around.

"The library's on the fourth floor," he said.

"That's true," Peter agreed. "I was thinking that we should probably go save Evans."

Remus had never thrown down a quill in a panic before, but then again, he had never been required to act so quickly before, either. Without a word, both boys bolted across the Gryffindor common room, tumbled out the portrait hole, then thundered down the the first flight of steps they could find. Peter ran sloppily, like a city boy who had never used his legs, but Remus hastened along like an animal, tearing down stairs and around corners with his lungs fit to burst.

"Oi!"

Someone had flung out an arm so suddenly that Remus probably would have been decapitated if he'd kept running at top speed. Only Peter managed to stumble past.

"Where are you off to, Mr. Lupin?"

Lucius Malfoy stood there with his nose in the air and his blond hair pulled back. Remus had a feeling he had much more to say to him than a telling off for running in the halls—Peter looked back helplessly, but Remus nodded at him to continue on with the rescue mission without him.

"We were—going to the library."

"The library? And I suppose there's a book in there worth the trouble of chasing after before it gets away?"

Lucius Malfoy was extremely scary for being only a fifth year. He approached Remus threateningly, who could do nothing but back away until Malfoy had him cornered against the statue of Boris the Bewildered. Malfoy leaned downward—there was a height difference of at least a meter between them—and he spoke in a voice that was just as soft as it was venomous.

"Listen here, Lupin," he warned. "Don't think I don't know about you. Professor Slughorn hinted the truth to me in private at the end of last year."

Remus bit his lip. So he did know?

"Luckily for you," Malfoy sneered, "Professor Slughorn has since regretted his slip of tongue and won't tell me anything more. Though I have informed my fellow Slytherins that they and their families should be aware of the full extent of this school's—unfortunate new admittance policies, let's say."

Malfoy surely wanted to provoke some sort of reaction out of him, but Remus said nothing.

"What are you?" Malfoy continued to hiss, though now he was even quieter. "What sort of half-breed must you be, to not even show it...?"

He paused to survey Remus carefully, who could not have answered even if he'd wanted to—he'd in fact lost the ability to speak.

Malfoy didn't know.

"Fine then," said Malfoy. He took a step backward and threw his hair over the opposite shoulder. "But let me remind you… you don't deserve to be here at this school. Dumbledore is an old fool who loves Muggles instead of his own kind."

Malfoy gave a brief, humorless laugh.

"I find even Mudbloods more welcome here at Hogwarts than halfbreeds, Lupin. Watch where you tread from now on or else see if I won't find a way to have you expelled."

Malfoy departed like a nightmarish shadow, headed off in the direction of the East Wing. It took a while before Remus could move again—he felt rage beginning to bubble in his chest, replacing the fear that had been there before. He now had ample proof that Malfoy knew nothing of the truth, yet he had done everything in his power to separate him from his peers and make him unhappy. It was all his fault, his deeply misinformed fault...

But then again…

Remus jogged the rest of the way to the library, already knowing it was probably too late.

But then again, what sort of Gryffindor would he be if he never tried to do anything about his miseries at all?