DISCLAIMER – Nope, I'm still a turtle-less lass, although I do have four magnet turtles gracing my refrigerator that I bought in the Philippines last year! That and a plushy green sea turtle I bought at the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach last Sunday (5/15/05!) My daughter also took a cool photo of one that came right up to her, mugging for her cell-camera, no less! I'm hoping it turns out where I can upload it onto my fan fiction site. They're very sweet creatures!
Chapter 14 – A Decision Made
Once Beth had calmed down, Leo was able to convince her to come out of Splinter's room. However, the moment they both stepped outside the car and into the subway station, they quickly noticed the overwhelming quiet. Almost right away, they saw that the kitchen was empty, as was the living area.
Although he had only been in the lair for less than a day, Leo had already recognized certain habits pertaining to his family. Usually, there was an undercurrent of noise, either from Mike's stereo or the television. However, the quiet in the expansive room showed an absence of both, added proof that at least Mike had left the lair.
Moreover, with the lack of computer noises coming from Donnie's car, it seemed far too silent for him to be present, as well. Leo had found that Don preferred sitting in front of his computer screen rather than socializing very much, either that or mending what wounds and injuries Leo and Beth had sustained. Therefore, the constant click clack click of the keyboard had become like white noise to him, with its absence now quite noticeable.
As for Raphael, Leonardo figured that, if the other two had left the subway station, his more temperamental brother had probably gone with them, as well.
With the ever-enveloping stillness growing with each step that they took, both Beth and Leo seemed to hold their breath in anticipation. They each strained their ears to hear even the slightest noise in hopes of discovering that they truly weren't as alone as they thought. As they walked further into the noiseless lair and as her anxieties heightened, Beth gripped Leo's hand a little bit more. He turned and smiled reassuringly at her, tightening his hold of the girl's fingers as he did.
"It's okay, Beth," he soothed, "I'm sure they left us a note or something."
She nodded wordlessly, yet Beth couldn't help but be a little anxious. For her, it was bad enough being in such a strange place as the abandoned subway station, but to be there alone, even with Leo, worried her. If these four turtles and one rat had become as big as they were, what other mutated 'things' might be prowling outside the station. What were the chances that the same green goop the rat said had changed them hadn't affected other creatures living in the tunnels, too?
Were there giant cockroaches roaming the underground nether reaches of New York City? All of what Splinter shared with Beth earlier, before her latest catatonic episode, had finally caught up with the girl. It was no surprise, then, that her imagination wondered about a great many things.
However, while she pondered these giant thoughts and to no one in particular, Beth heard Leo say aloud, "Is there anyone here?"
"I am, my son," a familiar voice sounded out.
Relieved that they were not as alone as she had feared, Beth watched as Master Splinter emerged from the infirmary. For the moment, she quickly forgot about her imaginings as the rat strode towards them.
As he came up to them, she saw that in one hand he held a folded towel topped with an equally folded washcloth, while across his other arm lay a thick, cottony robe. Faded green in color with long sleeves and draping, it was an obvious dumpster rescue. As she looked closer, Beth noticed that the garment was still in decent enough shape for use, despite its well-worn appearance. She wondered why the rat would have such an item, when it he was already wearing a kimono. Yet, before she could further that thought, her friend addressed his master.
"Where are the others, Father?" Leo asked as he and Beth stopped and stood before the over-grown rodent.
"They are canvassing the area around Beth's apartment. Before we can return her, we must make certain that her absence has not generated concern," Splinter then looked over at Beth, "My dear, we have a fully functional bathroom." As he passed the towel, washcloth, and robe over to her, he smiled, "maybe you would like to freshen up?"
Unfortunately, Splinter's nose twitched a bit as he said this – and Beth didn't miss seeing his reaction, either. She knew exactly what he meant. She had seen far too many people do likewise whenever they were in close proximity to her. It was obvious to her, now, that despite her benefactor's living conditions, certain smells were repugnant to them.
Consequently, her cheeks reddened considerably.
She quickly nodded then, ducking her head a little in chagrin, "Yes, I - I think that would be a good thing to do," and released her hold of Leo's hand in order to receive the items the rat offered to her.
"Do you need any help?" Leo asked innocently as he looked her way, more concerned with the girl's injury than what his words implied.
Clearly shocked by the comment, both Beth and Splinter glanced as one towards the turtle, their eyes both widened ever so slightly in surprise. Suppressing a giggle, the girl quickly shook her head, a slight smile creasing her face, "No, no that's all right, Leo. I'll manage fine on my own." However, as she noticed Splinter's eyes roll in exasperation and saw a smile forming along his snout, Beth couldn't help but laugh under her breath.
"Kids!" the rat remarked softly, and then Splinter commented, "My son, maybe you would rather make us something to eat while Beth is cleaning up?"
Although his thoughts were far from such implications, Leo's face reddened when he realized his faux pas. He nodded eagerly, "Yeah, ah, maybe that would be better."
"Indeed," the rat commented dryly, shaking his head. As Leo turned aside and made for the kitchen, Splinter remarked to Beth, "Be careful of your wound, my child. It is best if the dressing does not get wet at this time. If it does, we can always re-bandage you again."
Smiling, Beth remarked, "I will and thank you. I won't be long," and then she quickly headed over to the appointed train car.
The girl couldn't help but notice that she was feeling much better. Moreover, where Leo had been so supportive and understanding, her outlook on things seemed to be improving, as well. She thought to herself that it had been far too long since she had last trusted or even cared for anyone. Splinter reminded her of her own father, who had been wise and very patient. Yet the biggest impact for her was the memory of Leo's embrace. Remembering how caring he sounded and the softness in his voice, Beth felt something that she hadn't experienced in a very long time.
She felt safe.
Just the same, she thought to herself, "Maybe he's right, maybe if I at least try to find a solution to this problem of mine, I can get better!"
It wasn't lost on her that the first step in that direction might very well be in how she took care of herself, too. For five years, she never had any real reason to do so. Yet, with her new friends and especially with her growing relationship with Leonardo, an excuse to do otherwise now presented itself.
With a deep breathy sigh, she approached the 'bathroom' side of the subway car and made up her mind to follow through with that intent.
In the same way as it was with Splinter's room, she saw the carriage partitioned in the middle, thereby allowing dual usage for the car. The left side adequately housed the infirmary, while the right side hosted the bathroom, complete with blue curtains drawn closed for privacy. As Beth gingerly stepped through the opened doorway and into the room, she immediately took in her surroundings. With a single bare light bulb hanging from the central portion of the ceiling to a wall sconce centralized over the mirror above the sink, she found the room adequately lit.
As far as the room's appointments were concerned, however, where she entered the room and directly in front of her across from the door, stood a battered pine cabinet with two sinks. To its left was a toilet, and then next to the commode was a footed bathtub, situated up against the room's partition and complete with a wrap-around shower curtain. The plastic curtain hung by way of ball-bearing chains slipped into a track that ran along the ceiling above the tub. The track followed the contours of the vessel, allowing anyone who happened to be bathing complete privacy. As Beth looked closer at it, the shower curtain had an oceanic theme, with a fish print gracing the blue, waterproof material.
She smiled. Even though she knew they probably had acquired the curtain from someone's trash, it seemed cute that they would have something so whimsical gracing their washroom.
The tub was rather quaint, though, with its footed bottom echoing a by-gone era. Beth was certain that the tub was original to the time that such things were popular. Yet, with the porcelain worn off in several places, like the robe that she held in her arms, it, too, was an obvious 'recovered' treasure.
On the floor in front of the tub was a rug. Elongated in shape and orange in color, a print of small yellow ducks decorated the top of the worn, yet cushiony material. Beth smiled and shook her head. Considering the tenants to this strange place, she was rather amused with the way they decorated the room. Then, again, they were obviously limited to what they could find, so – quite possibly – they had to make due, regardless.
As for the commode, it, too, had seen better days. Yet for all intent and purposes, it seemed to be intact enough to service the needs of the clan. Beth then wondered how they were able to flush away the waste, until she remembered Splinter telling her earlier, before she went catatonic, that the sewer system ran underneath the subway station. Shaking her head in amazement, she figured the turtles had probably tapped into it in some fashion.
"Makes sense, of course," she laughed quietly, although she was still wondrously astonished by their creativity.
Lastly and standing right across from her alongside the opposite wall, stood the cabinet with its dual sinks. Above it and obscuring one of the subway car windows, hung the mirror. Although cracked along the bottom, it provided adequate reflection for anyone needing such amenities.
Although it was perfectly clear to her that everything in the room was second-hand acquisitions, Beth had to admit that the bathroom was serviceable enough to provide some measure of comfort. It was obvious to Beth that these creatures understood the necessities for civilized living and had gone to great lengths to provide as much for their home. For that, she was quite grateful.
Turning and looking at the doorway, now, Beth was happy to find that it afforded a similar pocket door that her benefactor's bedroom had. She quickly closed it and then proceeded to clean herself up.
It took her a bit of time for her to work around the bandage, but when she finished bathing, Beth felt immeasurably refreshed. Where it had been over a month since she had last bathed, she was certain she had made more than a strong impression on her hosts. The fact that Leo had remained by her side throughout her stay, so far, said quite a bit about his integrity, too. A lesser man – and Beth chuckled at the irony – would have dumped her. Yet, despite the obvious species differences between them, Beth was beginning to feel a closeness to him that dangerously edged affection.
However, as she now stood in front of the cracked mirror, she frowned at herself.
"How can I have feelings for him when he's not even human?" Her thoughts became a jumble of confusion that bordered on excitement and fear. When she had found him lying in the alley, injured and nearly unconscious, she initially felt pity for him. Had his family rescued him in the way that Splinter had shared with her, she probably would have never given Leonardo a second thought, other than wonder to where he had disappeared. Still, that was not the case and as it was, she had come to appreciate him, drawn to his pleasant sounding voice and his kind personality.
"If he was human, rather than this mutated turtle creature, would I still have feelings for him, though?" she wondered silently. Beth knew she trusted very few people, if any. More than likely, she would have been more fearful rather than less had she woken up in the company of humans. Contrarily, these creatures were so unlike anything she had ever known, that they almost begged to be seen as trustworthy.
Still, Beth stood there at the counter, staring at her reflection as she dried her hair with one of the towels, all the while in thoughtful contemplation. She recognized that in just a short amount of time, this very strange family had touched an area deep inside of her, an area of emptiness that they had been filling up since she had awakened in the lair.
And, Leonardo had affected her most especially.
Sighing, though, Beth felt a wave of anxiety as her imagination carried over to possible future events.
"Could something like him love someone like me?"
The very fact that Leo was reptilian should have repulsed her, but as it was, his uniqueness only intrigued her more. She wondered if that was because Splinter and his family could not trust the outside world any more than she could. Maybe their kindred lifestyle of hiding away from humanity in the same way as she hid, made it possible for her to understand them, thereby allowing her to consider such thoughts.
It seemed that they had too much in common.
"Well, if that's true and if I want to get back to normal again…" she mused soberly, "…then, whatever friendship Leo and I end up developing is already doomed!"
Sighing, Beth shook her head and realized that she had a very difficult choice to make. To heal and conquer her demons would mean leaving behind and forgetting about the turtle clan. Maintaining even the slightest connection with them could cause them problems; maybe even endanger them. Forgetting about them might end up being the wiser thing to do, but it would also mean that she would have to sacrifice whatever friendship she gained with Leonardo.
Just thinking about it, though, brought tears to her eyes. He had genuinely affected her with his kindness, his soft-spoken words of encouragement that bolstered her insecurities. The way that he had unconditionally accepted her, staying beside her despite how badly she smelled, impressed Beth very much.
"If only he could be human!" she lamented sadly, solemnly admitting, "Then again, I think had he been human, I would have been more afraid!" Despite the obvious problems, though, she had to realize a painful truth, "Nevertheless, I have become tired of living the way I have."
"Still, maybe there's a way that I can heal and live a normal life again and still remain friends with these creatures, or even with Leo?" Beth shrugged and closed her eyes, letting out a shuddered breath, "But what kind of future would that mean for us, even if it could happen. He's – just too different."
Beth had to force herself to push back her unhappy thoughts. It was doing her little good and if she kept focusing on them, she just knew another episode would raise its ugly head! So, she tried to focus on the present task. With her hair nearly dry, now, she looked at her self in the mirror and almost barked out a laugh. "Goodness, talk about a fright wig!" she exclaimed softly. Her hair seemed to be in complete disorder, all frizzy and jutting out in several different directions at once. "I'm certainly ready for Halloween, that's for sure!" she smiled wryly.
Exploring the various cabinet drawers for brushes and hair products, she quickly found a shoebox size container that housed a variety of brushes and combs. To her, the collection seemed like an oxymoron of supplies.
"Hmm…" she mused, "I wonder if they're in the habit of having visitors?" It seemed rather like a contradiction in terms for turtles to have brushes or any need for them. Then, as she inspected one of the brushes, she noted a bit of fur embedded into the bristles. Smiling, now, Beth realized that, the rat would obviously have need of such implements. "Of course!" she giggled, "he's the only one of the five with fur; he'd have to brush himself once in a while."
Finding a fur-free brush and after a few moments of gently dragging the implement through her hair, Beth now smiled at her reflection. Where she had almost forgotten what her true hair color was, she suddenly recognized the now-familiar light brown tresses. With it now free from knots and tangles, her locks flowed attractively down her back. Although it was still slightly wet, Beth shook and scrunched her hair with her hands, allowing its natural wave to regenerate itself.
"I'm definitely in need of a trim, but considering how long it's been since the last time, it doesn't look too shabby," she muttered softly.
Just the same, as she stared at her reflection in the mirror, she thought back to Splinter's remarks and his twitching nose. Right then, it seemed to hit her all at once and she soon realized, with much embarrassment, how dismal her life had actually become. She blushed a bit as she remembered the way that she had probably smelled to him. "What a poor commentary I've made for my own species!"
The girl realized that, despite her fears of losing contact with her friends, that maybe it was time for her to get on with life.
With the tattered green chenille robe hugging her and with her dirty clothes piled up by the bathroom door, Beth silently hoped that they had a washer and dryer, too. The fact they had towels and bed sheets that would obviously need washing, Beth figured that they would have to have such appliances. Just the same, she made sure that when she tied the robe closed, she tucked the inside portion of the front as far around her as was possible.
"That's all I need to do; give them a peep show!" she giggled to herself. With nothing on underneath, she was a mite uncomfortable, but she was certain that these creatures would not have any interest in her nakedness.
"After all," she sighed, "we are a completely different species to one another! What interest would I present to them, anyway?"
Just before she turned to leave the room, however, Beth gave one more critical look at herself in the mirror. And, as she did, she stood there and stared at her reflection, as if for the very first time. Although she would admit to not being beautiful, she was, for all practical purposes, more attractive than she wanted to be. In fact, it was something that she had completely forgotten about – until now. With her usually unkempt appearance and the way she hid herself from public view, she had forced that fact to the dark recesses of her subconscious. Although, through the years, Beth had tried to hide away from the world, she had hid, in fact, from her self as well.
Now, she trembled.
"I - can't go out looking like – this!" she exclaimed silently, completely doing an 'about face' from earlier, now worried that maybe they would notice her femininity after all. "What if…"
Beth suddenly wrapped her arms around herself as old images resurfaced in her mind. She felt the beginnings of another episode edge its way into her consciousness, but, for once, she succeeded in holding it back.
Still, she couldn't help but remember the lewd comments her assailant had drooled at her, how dirty he made her feel, and how cheap and unworthy she felt when he had finished with her. She recalled his sarcastic comments about 'little Miss Rich Girl' and how he had ripped at her clothing, deriding her expensive tastes, and 'promising' her a dose of reality. Once he had raped her, Beth had little time to ponder the reasons for his assault before he flailed at her with his knife. Yet, why he had shown such animosity and violence towards Beth had remained a mystery to her – that is, until the trial.
It was there when she discovered the true reason for his hate and why his attack on her was anything but random.
Nevertheless, although she had always seen herself as average in looks, her father's wealth allowed Beth to enjoy expensive tastes. Upscale clothing, her nails done every couple of weeks, her hair never far from perfection, she was ever mindful of 'first impressions'.
However, after the attack and after the trial, grooming herself was something that Beth gave up on entirely. After her father died, she managed a decent appearance for his lawyers, only to delve into her more hermit-like existence once his estate had settled. She went so far as to rarely bathing, neglecting to wash or even brush her hair until she couldn't stand it any longer, and even then, she had to force herself to comb it. All the derogatory words the drunk had used to seduce her, to shock her into submission as he raped and then stabbed her, convinced Beth that 'looking good' was dangerous. Being attractive would attract only heartache and pain. Consequently, she deliberately went out of her way to look bad, if only to guarantee that others would ignore her.
She thought about all of this as she stood there in the makeshift bathroom, continuing to stare at her image in the mirror. With growing concern, here she was, clean, combed, and – pretty, again. It had been years since she had last seen herself that way and it was something that she had tried so hard not to be. Yet, her feeling of detachment crept to the surface once again, overriding her success from moments before. As she began her decent into the comforting world of her catatonia, Splinter's voice broke through her growing delirium.
"Beth, are you done? I would like to talk with you, please," he said with some urgency.
His voice sounded out like the sudden breakage of glass disturbing the otherwise quiet of a room, jarring the girl's attention away from her graduating psychosis.
Catching herself seconds away from losing it for the fifth time in less than a day, Beth grabbed onto the edge of the counter to keep from collapsing. She felt her knees buckle, but caught herself before she could crumple to the floor. With her forehead now resting atop the counter and feeling the cold surface against her clammy skin, her knuckles whitened as she held onto the counter's edge in a manic desperation. She squeezed her eyes shut to ward off the attack as a small whimper escaped her mouth. Her body trembled even more, now, quaking as she attempted to fight off yet another episode.
"Beth, are you all right?" Splinter asked as concern now filled his voice. "Do you need assistance?"
Swallowing back the bile that seemed ready to spew from her, Beth straightened up and shook her head 'no', as if it were possible for the rat to see through the closed bathroom door. Finally, reacquainting herself with her vocal chords again, she replied, her voice a near whisper, "I-I'm fine. I'll…be right out. Just give me a moment, please?"
"I sense that you are troubled, child. If you are dressed, I can send Leonardo in to help you?" the rat offered softly.
Leonardo.
Beth smiled a bit at the name, remembering her thoughts from only moments ago and the fact that he had become her friend. Yet, her mind whirled around the idea of what if he had thoughts like - that drunk had had? What if he had the same intentions? What if…and then Beth realized something that she had not stopped to think about.
"If Leo had those thoughts and those intentions, he could have easily taken advantage of me before now." Smiling, Beth allowed her intellectual rationalization to win out as this last fact pierced her fragile mental state. She knew that Leonardo had shown her nothing but kindness, encouraging her and even being protective of her. Nevertheless, the girl knew that she didn't look the same as she had, before her bath. She looked different. Beth no longer portrayed the image of a disheveled and unkempt smelly woman, but a woman bathed and clean and – now pretty. Despite her momentary logic seeping into her common sense, though, she still worried that Leo would see her differently.
She suddenly feared that maybe it was a mistake for her to clean up.
In any event, Splinter's offer of sending Leonardo into the bathroom to help was beginning to appeal to the girl. But, considering she was wearing only a cotton robe, for a moment she wondered about the impropriety of having her friend alone with her in the bathroom. Even with Splinter right outside, it just seemed wrong. Shaking her head, the girl knew that it would be inappropriate, no matter what her state of mind. She decided that it was far better for her to walk out on her own volition, than to invite temptation.
Earlier, Leonardo and Splinter had both sensed the girl's conflicting emotion, almost as soon it manifested itself. They had been in the kitchen, preparing breakfast, when they felt a change in the girl's mood. Splinter sensed it first and then, almost in the next moment, Leo's head jerked up and turned towards the subway cars. At first, he wanted to help her, to go to her in order to keep her from falling back into the mental stupor that afflicted her so terribly.
However, Splinter gently held him back, a bony paw gracing Leo's shoulder as he said, "It is important, Leonardo, for Beth to find it within herself to control these things."
"But, Sensei, she's feeling something awful, I want to help her!" his son declared mournfully as he gently challenged the rat.
"Yes, I understand this, but you cannot help control what is not yours to control," Splinter replied.
"Could meditation help her, though?" Leo asked desperately, remembering his conversation with Beth from earlier.
"Only if she wants help, Leonardo," his father said, "If she believes that meditation will help her, then it will. If she is convinced that it cannot, then it won't." Splinter remarked softly as she shrugged, "I can teach her only if she is willing to be taught. No lesson, no matter how beneficial, can be learned if the student is unwilling to accept it."
"I – think I understand," Leo replied, a bit uncertainly.
Gently laying a paw on Leo's arm, Splinter explained, "Consider the tea, my son. Once ingested, the body does not have a choice but to allow the tea to work its healing properties. The mind, however, is independent of such involuntary reaction. It has the potential to decide for itself what it will accept and what it won't." He smiled, "If I offer you a cup of tea, but you refuse it, then your mind has controlled your choice and, in that way, you have controlled your body. However, the tea is ineffective in its healing since it was denied." He then nodded towards the bathroom where Beth was currently struggling with her demons, "Your friend's mind, although troubled, is not beyond that independent choice. If she accepts my instructions, then she will learn to control her episodes. Yet, it is still her choice, and a choice that will influence the outcome based on her willingness to learn."
"Thank you for explaining that to me." Leo nodded, "But, what about Beth?"
"You are welcomed, my son." Splinter replied, saying, "Now, I will go to her, you may follow, but please – let me do the talking." Then the two of them walked over to the car that housed the bathroom – and Beth.
Now, after Splinter had made his concerns known to her, he and his son waited together as they watched the door to the bathroom. Leo could still sense the tumult of Beth's mental state, his connection to her strengthened if only by their similar cognitive challenges. Where she remembered too much of whatever trauma afflicted her, he remembered little of his life before she found him. Although dissimilar in their content, they were as akin to a disorder as one could get. As he thought about it, he wondered if he was only attracted to her by this alone. Nevertheless, he knew in his heart that the girl needed some sort of security, a security that he felt he was capable of giving to her.
Suddenly and much to Leo's and Splinter's relief, the bathroom door slid open. Beth now stood at its threshold, shaken, but for the moment in control. The bathrobe hid much of her feminine form, showing only her slender ankles, and her cleansed, near-creamy white face. This made the rest of her stand out in contrast. Her green eyes were large and round, rimmed with dark brown lashes, and showing a fearful yet intelligent expression. Her hair had dried completely, now, allowing her curls to tighten more than they were earlier, falling lazily around her face and down to her shoulders. As she stood there looking at them, a glow of pink bloomed along her cheeks, showing her as slightly embarrassed.
With her image nearly taking his breath away, Leo thought her quite becoming. He then smiled. "You – clean up well, Beth," he remarked softly. However, as Splinter turned towards Leo to give him a scolding look, the girl took several steps back inside the car and, as she did, she sucked in a quick breath of shock.
"Leonardo, please return to the kitchen while I tend to the girl," the rat instructed sternly.
Gulping, Leo asked, "What? What'd I do? I only meant…" he stammered nervously.
Master Splinter said very softly, so that only Leonardo could hear him, "Beth is quite uncomfortable with herself. She is – afraid, Leonardo. Can you not sense this?"
Leo looked back at the girl and saw how she ducked her head, how she now looked away from him, and how more reddened her cheeks were becoming. As the full force of his words weighed against her, he suddenly felt horrible for not realizing how insecure she probably felt. Considering how she had looked and smelled earlier before her bath, Leo realized, too late, that clean was something she probably did not experience very often. Now, with Beth cleansed and for the first time in probably a long while, Leo realized she more than likely felt conspicuous. That would explain what he had sensed earlier from her, when he and Splinter had caught the shift in her mood that alerted them to her growing dilemma.
Consequently and as he allowed himself to mentally reach out, he felt her mortification. Tears now pooled his eyes in empathy. Shame suddenly filled his heart for placing such attention on one who so obviously had tried not to attract it. Slowly shaking his head, he muttered, "I – I didn't realize, Sensei, I'm – so very sorry."
Then, before he could even think about what he was doing, Leo bowed low at the waste before the girl, uttering words that surprised not only him, but also the rat and Beth, too, "Okoraseta nara goman nasai." (I am sorry that I offended you.)
Splinter gave a slightly wide-eyed incredulous expression to his son, remarking, "Leonardo?"
Just as surprised as his father, the turtle snapped to attention, staring at Splinter as he took a quick step backwards in shock. As he did, he exclaimed anxiously with his arms out wide in supplication, "Wh-what did I just say, Father? Did I say something offensive? What was it that I just said?"
Gently walking over to his son and wrapping his arms around him, Splinter whispered as he looked full into Leo's face with great relief, "You have said nothing wrong, Leonardo. You have only expressed remorse for your earlier comment to Beth," he then pulled away, his eyes filled with emotion, "But more importantly, you are showing signs of recovery." The master then turned back towards the girl, who now cowered within the confines of the bathroom, "And if you can regain your memory, Leonard, then maybe our guest would like to find a way to regain control of her mind, as well." Splinter looked serenely at the girl as she strode slowly back towards the opened doorway, attracted to what the rat had said. He asked her softly, "Child, would you like to learn how to become whole again?"
Beth looked over at Leonardo and saw the confused, yet contrite expression on his face. She noticed his eyes brim with tears of remorse. It was plain to see that Leo had not meant any harm. She also knew that the words he uttered only moments earlier had been in Japanese, if only because of the brief history lesson that Splinter had imparted to her earlier about his family. Although she did not have a clue what it was that Leo had said to her, the inflections were plain enough. She knew he felt awful for his comment to her. It was that, alone, which bolstered her confidence that he would never harm her, where her well-being seemed to be his utmost concern.
Intrigued with his offer, Beth nodded and meekly replied, "If you – think you can teach me."
Smiling warmly, Splinter replied, "There is no question about my ability to teach you. It is a question of whether or not you wish to learn."
Beth nodded in understanding, smiling a little at the rat's confidence. Finally, she stepped outside the bathroom door and, in effect, accepted the proffered help as she admitted, "I do want to learn, but – I'm – afraid that…"
However, Splinter interrupted her with a gentle wave of his hand, "Fear is only a reaction, my dear, but one that can be controlled. If you are willing to learn, then you will learn to control your fear." He extended a bony paw towards her, "Will you accept my help and do what I ask of you?"
Beth swallowed nervously, remembering things she would rather forget, but the rat's sincerity and Leonardo's earnest face bolstered her resolve to conquer her fearful imagery, "Yes, I – I will."
"Then," the rat bowed once, "I am honored to be your teacher," gently receiving Beth's hand as she placed it willingly in his. Splinter then said warmly, "Come, now, child; we have prepared breakfast. It is a bit late in the morning for it, but my other sons will be arriving momentarily and they will be understandably hungry."
As Splinter led her slowly away from the train car, Leonardo followed from behind. He watched as his father and Beth walked ahead of him, making for the kitchen as the sounds of his brothers' arrival reached his ears. As he watched Beth's retreating form as she walked beside his master, a sudden warm feeling grew steadily within him. Yes, he did indeed find her attractive. However, based on how she reacted to his complimenting words, Leo knew that there was some relationship between how others saw her and whatever trauma she suffered through that was causing her episodes. This only piqued his curiosity and concern for the girl.
While the other three turtles bounded into the lair, Mike's exuberant exclamations about 'being starved half to death' echoed off the brick walls of the station. The other two laughed at his expense with Raph commenting, "Yer always hungry, Mikey; what else is new?"
As the three bi-pedal terrapins gathered inside the kitchen area and began to report their findings to Splinter, Leo hung back, standing outside of the room and wondering about his own recovery, yet worrying a great deal about it, as well.
"What if I remember too much?" he thought to himself, "What if my feelings for Beth change, all because of my place in this family, and what I'm expected to do? What if she loses her fears and doesn't need me anymore?" he mused in silent, worried despair.
Although he was glad that Beth found some courage in wanting help, it was a frightening thought where his heart was concerned. Where he had just spoken in a language that he could not translate, it seemed his own recovery was occurring. Sensing Beth's turmoil just seconds after Splinter had, made this fact even more apparent. Moreover, while waiting in Splinter's room for Beth to awaken from her more recent catatonic episode, Leo had remembered snippets from his life before his amnesia, bits and pieces that were more like a patchwork quilt of memories. Currently, they were a mish mash of scenes, conversations he had had, with events that almost frightened him. He had many questions about that, as well, yet the one question that begged his asking was, - did he really want his recovery to happen?
As he listened to Raphael report to Splinter about how no one had been aware of Beth's absence at the apartment, memories and feelings of duty began to, suddenly, overwhelm the simplicity of Leo's current mental state.
Yet, instead of embracing it, he fought it; he did not want to remember. Something deep inside of him wanted things to stay the way they were. He liked not having responsibility and a sense of duty. For reasons that he could not understand, in that moment he knew that he had tried to run away from it and that the alley had been a culmination of that attempt. What had happened in that alley was still lost to him, but Leo was certain of one thing and one thing only. He knew that, once he recovered, whatever obligation he had in the clan before he lost his memories, Splinter would want to reinstate him as leader. The way Raphael treated him, the way Splinter fawned over him, the look of expectation and disappointment from Donnie and Mike, all told Leonardo that they missed his leadership.
However, he knew that, the way he was currently feeling, he did not miss being the leader!
In that moment and without a second thought, Leonardo decided that he would feign his roll as the amnesia-stricken family member. He would refuse recovery, even if he had to fake his affliction.
For it was certain to him that he had fallen in love with Beth, and Leo was determined that no amount of duty or responsibility would threaten how he felt for her.
COMMENTS – Well, where this is a re-write of the original chapter 14, I had remarked then about it being summer, my daughter was now home, and time for writing seemed strained at best. My daughter's room is still not painted, although we do have one third of her carpeting ripped up (that was like 3 weeks ago, though, so you can stop cheering for me. I still have the remaining two-thirds to do!). As for writing, I will do my best with getting chapter 15 going. Nothing's in writing, yet, as I am hoping re-doing chapter 14 might help me. Hmm…so far, no ideas yet. Drat. Anyway, I appreciate everyone's patience. :0) Be blessed!