Disclaimer – And still, E & L won't return my calls. Bummer. I guess it's true then, I don't own them. Rein weeps quietly

Anyway, my thanks and appreciation to all who still find themselves reading my little missive, and especially to those who did double duty by reading and reviewing, too! Those who left comments are - BubblyShell22, Empress Caroline of Tamaran, Fantacy, () – anonymous, Kaya Lizza, Dierdre, Makaela's Spade, Mewfem, Jessie Landroz, Leo Oneal, Tewi, Lunar-Ninja, Katana-Babe, and Ramica. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate it! ;0)

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Chapter 30 – Confessions

Splinter sat on his bed and sighed. He looked down at his son and, sighed again as he sadly shook his head. It was perfectly obvious to the ninja master that with what his son had just told him, the confession had taken a lot out of the boy.

While Sensei sat in the lotus position on his mattress, Leo sat on his knees on the floor before his father. With his head bowed, thereby hiding a face streaked with tears, he knew that what he had just shared with his mentor greatly disappointed the rat and, maybe, he had even disgraced Splinter as well. Still, Leo recognized that he had to confess, to admit, to tell him what he had done. He was just glad that Splinter sensed the enormity of the situation beforehand and had ordered Mike and Don to their rooms. After finishing his imposed punishment, even Raphael retired to his compartment, before Leo confessed his sins to their father.

Now, with just Leonardo in Splinter's bedroom, and with the rat perched upon the bed, the father and one son had privacy to speak freely. Just the same, it took a few minutes before Leo could find the courage to do so.

Both he and his sensei deliberately had kept their voices low enough so that the others would not overhear. The last thing Leonardo wanted was to be the source of amusement for his brothers.

Nevertheless, once he had made his confession, Leo had to endure several long moments of silence as his father digested this bit of news.

Finally, Leonard heard him speak, "And, this was the first time you have ever done something like this?" the rat asked sternly, staring impassively at his oldest son. With Splinter's ears turned back and the tip of his tail lashing rhythmically along the bed, it was obvious that he was not pleased.

Nodding, Leo glanced up quickly at his father and admitted further, before averting his eyes again, "Yes, but…it was one of… many times that I… watched things like this." His voice trailed off, then, as he swallowed deeply. As another tear escaped and trailed down his face, it was obvious that his past deed bothered him greatly.

"I see," Splinter said evenly. There was another moment of silence between the two, the heaviness of the topic weighing against them like a drenched blanket. However, the rat finally broke the quiet. With his voice resigned and almost devoid of its previous scorn – and much to Leonardo's confusion – his father said, "Well… I must say, I am more surprised that this has not happened sooner."

Leo's head shot up as he looked at his father in surprise. "What…did you say?" he nearly croaked.

Gazing gently at his son, now, the rat smiled a bit as he restated, "I said, I am surprised that this has not happened sooner."

Leo's mouth dropped open in shock and maybe disappointment, too. He was stunned that his own father, his sensei, his mentor, would even think him capable of such behavior. Finally recovering his voice, the turtle asked, "I…don't understand. Why would you…even think that of me?"

"Are you not male?" the rat asked evenly, slightly raising his eyebrows as a small smile graced his muzzle.

Chuckling, Leo replied, "Well, yeah, last time I checked, I was."

Laughing lightly, Splinter nodded, "Well, then, why would I expect you to be anything less than curious about what happens between a human male and female?"

"Because…I'm, I'm…" Leo began to say, stammering as he did, yet he truly couldn't finish his statement. He then smirked a little, "I guess you've just answered my question with one of yours, huh?"

Nodding, Splinter grinned as he replied, "As always, my son. You cannot help being whom, and what, you are." Then, more seriously, "However, I am pleased that you eventually discovered the impropriety of your behavior, though, as whatever occurs between two who love each other is not for public observation!" He took a deep breath, though, and said, "Even if they were doing it in a public setting. Still, it does not surprise me that you saw what you did. After all, you and your brothers patrol at night and it is at night when the shadows are deep and concealing, where these liaisons sometimes happen." Splinter looked seriously at Leonardo again, "I know that Raphael has encountered these…events, which makes it all the more mysterious that you have not, before now."

Leo's eyes widened considerably and, by the tone of his voice, he seemed shocked, "He has?"

Inclining his head, Splinter concurred, "Yes, several years ago, when you were ill …with the flu, I believe, but Raphael took over your duties for that time. He and his brothers were patroling. He had heard a peculiar sound and then went to investigate, while Michelangelo and Donatello were busy elsewhere. That was when Raphael discovered…the couple." The rat allowed his gaze to wander a bit as he recollected, "By his account, it seems that they had their apartment window open, where their bedroom was. He told me that he was shocked, surprised, actually, but a might intrigued, and I think this is what piqued his interest in Miss Oneal." Splinter looked at his son once again and waited.

Leo's whole countenance stiffened at the mention of April's name, the implication his father made angering him just a little, "But, that's wrong, Sensei, to think of her like that."

"Is it?" his father asked quietly, "She was female, Leonardo, a friend to us, and available."

"She was also human, Sensei, but like a sister to us, not a girlfriend!" Leo said hotly. "I could never see her like that!"

"As what…a girlfriend?" Splinter asked. "Maybe for you, my son, but remember that Raphael was her savior, the first of us to save Miss Oneal from the Foot's initial attack on her." He smiled warmly as he softly whispered, "Although I highly doubt that she would have seen your brother in the same light, where she considered all of us as family, someone to care about, but not necessarily in a romantic way. Miss Oneal was, after all, at least ten years older than you and your brothers, not to mention her involvement with Mr. Jones."

"Still, though, to see her and Raph making…" Leo blushed, then, not wanting to finish that thought, and shaking his head to rid the images from his mind. He groaned then, "I just can't fathom that."

"And neither could I," the rat admitted sheepishly, "which is why I insisted that he let Miss Oneal go. It was difficult for him, for where else would he find a mate? Nevertheless, to seek after the girl's attention and in the way that Raphael desired, would have ruined whatever friendship the rest of us had with her. Miss Oneal would have been forced to move on and to forget about us."

"And, maybe that would have spared her life, too?" Leo whispered sadly.

"Perhaps," the rat allowed, "but I have come to believe that if it is one's time to die, then it matters not by what means." Splinter tilted his head a bit, "Yet, you have brought up a very interesting confession, my son. Was there a reason for this?"

Leo mused to himself, "Leave it to Sensei never to get distracted!" Then, the turtle nodded and said, "Yes. I was wondering…if maybe what I saw in Central Park had anything to do with what Mike and Don said…how I felt about Beth…you know, when I had my amnesia?"

Splinter sighed and bowed his head a bit, "After what you have just told me, I believe it has." He then closed his eyes as he swallowed, "As I told you, I am not surprised by your voyeurism," Splinter looked at his son again, "Nevertheless, it seems as if your amnesia allowed you to explore the desires you have tried so hard to run away from."

"What am I to do about it then?" Leo asked.

Shrugging, his father replied, "First, you must recognize that for you to seek a mate with deliberation would put you and this clan, as well as any girl you might find, in the gravest of dangers. Still, desiring for such friendship is something I cannot control." Splinter then sat back a bit and unfolded his legs, allowing them to stretch out in front of him. As he rubbed at them, he chuckled lightly, "I seem to be getting a bit old for sitting this way, my son; I am certain arthritis is beginning to set in. I'm not as young as I'd like to be, it seems." He saw concern wash over Leo's face, so he looked hard at him, assuring, "Do not worry about me, Leonardo; for I still long for this world." He stretched his arms a bit, working his shoulders around, and then he stood up, "Now, as for your problem," Splinter waited until Leo rose to stand before him, and then continued, "I cannot agree with Raphael and force you to remember your feelings for Beth. I can only encourage you to meditate on it. But until such time where you can decide how you feel, I believe it is best for the girl to return home."

Leonardo knew that whenever his father came to a direct decision, as he was doing now, the subject was closed. Obediently, Leo bowed his head, "Hai, Sensei."

"Now, my son," the rat lay a comforting hand along the turtle's shoulder, "it is best if we both sleep on this and wait until morning. As it is, it will be arriving sooner than our bodies will want!" The rat chuckled and gently led Leo towards the doorway to the room, "Meditate for a few minutes before retiring, Leonardo, so that your mind can relax from your worries."

Nodding, Leo began to turn from his father, but then faced him again, hesitating ever so slightly before hugging him. With his voice thick with released emotion, he said, "Thank you, Sensei. I'm so glad that…you understand."

Splinter smiled as he replied, returning his son's affection, "It is no bother, Leonardo; I am always here if you ever need to talk."

Later, as Leo finished with a short meditation session, he eased himself under his covers. He lay there in Don's bedroom, staring up through the darkness at the ceiling and thinking about all that he had told his father. He sighed and thought to himself, "What if I do remember her? What if I rediscover my feelings for Beth, what then?" He worked that thought around in his head, wondering and imagining the many ways it could play out. "I mean, if I do fall in love with her again, would we date? Where could we go? It's not like I can take her to the movies, or to a restaurant." Then, as he began to work his way further along that trail of thought, "What – if she wants to be my wife? Where would she live? She can't live here with us, can she? She's too used to living topside, even with the problems she has."

As Leo closed his eyes, he felt movement to his right. Then he heard Don ask, "So, what's the big secret, Leo?"

Although he wasn't startled by his brother's waking, the question still surprised him. Nevertheless, Leonardo wondered how much he should tell his brother. What would Don think if he knew that Splinter's 'perfect son' had fallen from grace? Still, Leo realized that confession was good for the soul and, after talking with Splinter, he now felt less embarrassed by his past behavior.

Rather than answering his brother's question, however, Leo asked, "Don, have you ever seen a man and woman…ah…well…have you ever seen them together doing…ah…you know…making…"

But before he could finish his question, Don chuckled, "Love?"

"Yeah." Leo said simply.

"Who hasn't."

"You mean, you have?"

"Sure," Don chuckled, "Mikey, too. After all, the Internet's more than just learning about some distant land or connecting with other people through e-mail."

Leo sat up in bed, "Porn? You watch porn?"

"Not now, but – I guess when I first found it online, it rather intrigued me," Don chuckled, "But to make a daily visit to these 'rooms'? No, got kind of bored with it actually."

"Why?" Leo asked as he sat there in the dark with his brother.

"Well, for one thing, it seemed wrong. And, it was all contrived. I mean, the people didn't really love each other; they were just giving a peep show to whoever tuned in. Sort of playing the part of the exhibitionist without knowing whose watching them."

"But, didn't you wish that you could…" Leo began, but Don intercepted him once again.

"Do it too?" One could almost hear the smile in Don's voice as he went on, "Sure, bro, but…I'm a realist; no way is that ever going to happen to me. I think, right now, you're the only one who has any chance at all and, personally speaking, if you ever do remember Beth again, you better not treat her the way that these internet porn sites treat their women." He became more serious now, "Beth's a nice girl and she's had a pretty bad…"

This time, it was Leonardo's turn, "No way, Donnie, I'd never treat her like that." Leo sighed and allowed himself to lie back down on his mattress, "Honor before everything, especially sex."

A long pregnant pause washed over them for a bit, with Donatello finally breaking the silence, "Say, why did you ask me about that?"

Leo sighed and said, "Because, before Beth found me, before my amnesia, when I was off doing my own thing, I discovered a couple in Central Park doing…it. After that, for a while I sort of hunted for couples sneaking off into bushes to watch them."

Nearly barking out a laugh, but keeping his voice low, Don asked, "Voyeurism? You spied on people having sex?"

"Well, I don't think 'sex' is the right word, not with how much they enjoyed it. I think they loved each other."

Chuckling, Don said, "Hey, it is what it is and – believe me – one doesn't have to love to enjoy it, but…" his voice quieted a bit, "I'm sure it can't hurt, either." He was quiet for a moment and then he asked, "You think you're remembering Beth?"

"Don't know, maybe." Leo was quiet himself for a minute before adding, "If I am, then I want to make sure that it's for all the right reasons and not because I have this primal urge to…well…you know."

"Yeah, bro," Don agreed as he relaxed against his mattress again, the telltale sound of springs squeaking out in protest, "I know what you mean. What good is it unless you really feel something for the person? Commitment's just part of the package. Like you said, honor before everything."

"Exactly."

Then, as the need for sleep pulled at their minds, the two brothers finally quieted and lay silently in their beds. After a while, Don began to snore again. Leo rolled over onto his stomach and thought once more about Beth, but his need for sleep overwhelmed him and, before too long, he succumbed to the night as well.

Meanwhile, in the room next door, a young woman lay pondering her future. She could hear the gentle sounds of her neighbors' snoring and she wondered, then, if one of them would ever remember her again. Yet, Beth wasn't certain if it would be a good thing if he did. Maybe the kindest act she could give Leonardo would be for her to go home and allow him to remain safe from prying eyes, far from the clutches of those who might do him and his family harm. Although she could not deny how she felt about Leonardo, nevertheless Beth was willing to sacrifice her friendship with him, if it meant keeping him safe.

After all, he and his family had been kind enough to risk their anonymity by bringing her into their lair.

Before sleep claimed her, Beth decided then and there that letting her friend go was the least she could do in appreciation for his family's hospitality. As hard as it would be for her, Beth would bravely return to her apartment without complaint and try to forget the mutant turtle named Leonardo.