"Hyacinth," Richard's voice started, "I have something to tell you…"

"What's that dear?" She asked looking at him and then at Emmet and then Liz and back at him. He wiped his brow because he noticed the sweat that was accumulating.

"Hyacinth, I-"

"That's nice dear. Anyway I was saying that it is most important that people are consistent these seems to me that people are suffering from the Conditional Common Continental Class Commiseration Complex. That is to say that the leftist ideals that used to permeate and degrade the eastern part of the continent have spread to the West. I, for one, am not going to stand for it. There is the ideal that we have to squash."

WE need to fight against the conformity disorder."

"I-" tried Richard to speak.

"You must stop interrupting," she chided, "That is a very French habit. Anyway, it seems that people are so hell-bent on being liked that they feign aspects of their personal fortitude. They play nice. I shall never play nice. And you shouldn't either."

"I have something to say, and them I'm not going to say anything else." Liz started

"What is it Elizabeth?" asked Hyacinth.

"I-"

"You wrote a letter."

"I-"

"You wrote letter and for once you became an Englishwoman. You cast of that phony politeness that I hear French and German woman show to their families and friends. You showed that when it comes to our stiff upper lip, you may have quivered, but when it came down to it, you stood tall, proud, and steadfastly English. Be proud." Hyacinth was beaming and looking quite gleefully at her neighbor.

Liz was as confused as one could be but she managed to mutter, "Hyacinth did you read the letter? I mean, in its entirety."

"Well, after I read the first part, you know, the preamble of sorts, and I found it so well written that I was going to save it and read it over the next few weeks. Unfortunately, I lost it. I knew where I put it, but it disappeared. Where it vanished to, or more grammatically, whither it vanished, only the Almighty knows. Besides, I knew that the first part was the only serious part of the letter and that the rest was jest. You said that you had lost your voice and you found it again. In finding your voice you realized that you were probably quite funny."

"But, Hyacinth," Elizabeth started, "Your reply was written in the same tone."

"That would be a coincidence, dear. It was just a bit of Northern humor for the West Midlands."

"I can't win," Emmet muttered.

Hyacinth heard him, "Win what, Emmet?"

"You must be a genius, Hyacinth. It seems that you can take anything that is said and interpret it in a way that suits you. I could read the shipping forecast, 'Showers approaching Dover from the west,' and it seems that you can somehow, someway make that about you. I mean dear woman, someone calls you dense, and you can twist that. If I told you that you were the worst person to walk on Earth you would find some trickety-trick to explain yourself. You are probably- no, you are the most complex and frightening case of psychotic narcissism that I have ever had the displeasure of meeting."

"How very kind you are dear," started Hyacinth, "To think you could think of that many superlatives for little old me. You've just called me a genius, consistent, complex, psychologically gifted, and self-aware."

Screaming Emmet, "I just said that you are the worst human being ever!"

"Oh, I am. Am I? I know that 'bad' is in the vernacular and it means good. So, if I'm the worst, it only stands to reason that I'm the best. Again, I am most flattered."

Richard tried again to speak, "Hyacinth, you really must list-"

"No sir, I must not. It seems to me that you have not yet started to be direct as an Englishman. Elizabeth has, Emmet has, but you have not. It seems to me that you are knee-deep in cowardice, and for someone who looks so much like Sir Francis Drake, it makes me quite angry."

"Hyacinth," he took an awesomely deep breath, and stood up above them all. He looked at her, then at Emmet, then at Liz, then at the cold Beef Wellington on the table, and then back on Hyacinth. "I AM DONE WITH YOU!"

"There it is Richard," Hyacinth said in a sultry voice that almost literally scared Elizabeth to death, "Let me have it."

"YEAR AFTER YEAR I HAVE DEALT WITH YOUR HI-JINKS, YOUR SOCIAL CLIMBING, YOUR SINGING, AND ALL THE OTHER SHIT YOU MADE ME PUT UP WITH! YOU HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES PEACE SINCE THE DAY WE GOT MARRIED," Richard started removing his tie, because he was, in a real sense getting hot under the collar. He scrunched it up and removed it from his neck. Emmet was afraid that Richard was going to strangle her with the tie. It was a silk tie and knowing Hyacinth she would have been happy enough to be killed with something expensive.

Elizabeth wished she could drop dead for about ten minutes so that she would not have to see this. She breathed the hearty sigh of relief when Richard threw the tie clear across the room, where it made a surprising string thud on the wall. She spoke with a small, "Richard please calm down. It's like we're on an episode of Jerry Springer."

Richard did not comply, and continued his tirade, "SUCH IS MY LIFE. I GET FRUSTRATED AND IN RETURN YOU SIT THERE SMILING. SMILING LIKE THIS IS SOME SORT OF GAME TO YOU. I HAVE WASTED MY LIFE ON YOU."

Reply Hyacinth, "You have wasted your life with me, in that you were never assertive enough."

"WHAT THE F-"

She rose and stood behind him, "Listen to me dear, " she started in a beautifully sweet voice, "I know that I am a handfull. I knew it ever since I was a little girl. And when I was a little girl I didn't know the words for it but I knew I needed a commander. When I got a little older I knew he would have to command me ferociously in the household and in the bedroom."

Elizabeth and Emmet did a 'mini-wretch'. and both feared that what they had just eaten would make a violent reappearance.

Hyacinth ignored the gagging and continued, "When I go older still, I figured out that I wanted someone who was forceful and executive. And one day I was sitting in a restaurant in Waterloo Street and I saw a man and he was looking at me. He walked over to me and he said, 'I don't know who you are but I want to.' I gave him my number and waited for him to call. He did call the next week and he said that he was expecting me to be at the restaurant. I listened to him and he met me there. He commanded and I listened. and I married him. I never feel freer than when I am under your control. You remember when you were like that. I want that back."

"That's how my father was," RIchard started, "I promised myself that I wouldn't be like him. He was abusive."

"And you would never be," Hyacinth said, "You would never be."

END PART ONE

If anyone is confused, I will make it make sense in the next and final chapter. PM me if you have any questions and review if you have any comments.

-Where'n'why