When he reached the hanger, the room was in more chaos than his mind was, which was saying a lot. He grabbed a technician by the smock as he was running past. "What happened here?" He demanded.
Put off guard a bit, the man hastily replied, "All the mechanical vehicles are damaged. Someone cut all the fuel lines and cut the brake systems. Nothing is working, and we don't have enough parts to go around."
Cain let the frantic man go as he stood and thought. This sounded too convenient. Why would someone sabotage all of the vehicles? Was this Glitch's doing? Did he not want to be followed? Who else would do that in this time of peace when all underhanded deeds stayed in the Realm of the Unwanted? Cain made his way to the stables and got a horse. It would take longer, and he didn't relish the idea of needing to stop for rest. But he had no choice.
He rode hard all day, and by the time the sun was well over the hill, he knew it was unwise to travel at night. He could injure his horse on an unseen obstacle, and then where would he be? He sat down and started a fire. He fed and watered his horse and tried to settle down for the night. He knew he needed to sleep, even though nightmares would find him. After staring at the fire for half an hour, he decided to get out Glitch's book and start it from the beginning. The date was two weeks after they had saved the OZ. It was retelling their adventures in highlighted form, mainly sounded like Glitch was convincing himself that he did remember things. He then came to where DG charged in with a branch, intending to fight off Zero and his gang.
I hated the brutality of the world as I watched that scene. The poor man on the ground had a family that was scared to death. As I saw DG disturb the light of the projection, I couldn't help but feel relieved that that's all it was. Even though I knew it must have happened once. But then why play it over and over again? We found out why as we found a Tin Suit. Meant to keep people alive, even without food or water.
The man who was released was little more than a living corpse. But after he cleaned himself up and shaved that monstrous beard, I could see how cold his eyes were. Why not? He was forced to watch his family taken and perhaps killed over and over again. For eleven years he said. My invention. My invention caused him that much pain. My invention caused him to be the bitter man we traveled with. I wanted to make it up to him somehow, but I didn't know how. He obviously thought I was a convicted criminal because of my condition. I didn't blame him though, because I knew that was the fate of people who were beyond salvation.
Even though I couldn't remember getting myself into this situation, or anything before it for that matter, I didn't feel like I was a bad person. Maybe I was. If so, then I'm glad I wasn't anymore. It's funny, but if that was the case, then becoming a head case was in a way, a good thing.
Cain felt bad for how he treated them that day, even though they did save his life. He often wonders how they actually did end up all being friends during that grueling journey. He read on and came to the time he was shot at the winter palace.
I woke up to find the palace deserted. I could have sworn I heard a gun fire and a splash of water. I go in the direction I heard it outside the palace entrance. What I saw stopped my heart. The vague shape of Cain was floating in a new hole in the ice. Even though I knew he was probably dead if not from the gun shot or the fall, then from the freezing water. I grabbed his sleeve and propped him on the side. I couldn't pull him out before I was sure he was alive. I don't know how I knew what to do, but I just let my instincts take over as I performed CPR. He coughed, and some water expelled itself.
Now that I knew he was alive, I had to get him warm. Thankfully, the caravan wasn't that far away, and I knew it had an internal heater. I quickly pulled him out and carried him to the van. I stripped him out of the wet clothes as fast as possible, trying not to think about his muscular physique. He needed my help right now, and if I didn't hurry, I could still lose him. He only had a bruise on his chest, but no bullet holes, thank goodness.
Once all of the clothes were off, I covered him under the sheets, and tried to dry and warm him up. I got the heater going, but the wood supply won't last too long. Two hours at best. I go back, and check to make sure he was still breathing, but I became afraid when he stopped shivering. That's not a good sign, since I know he's not fully dry yet. Without thinking, I strip down to my underwear and get under the covers beside him. His body is freezing, but I don't let that bother me as I wrapped myself around him. His back is to me, and I'm able to cover most of his body with my own, and not too much longer, I feel him start to shake. I smile in relief as I know this to be a good sign.
Even though he may end up with a fever, it still means his body is kickstarting itself into healing him. I unconsciously hold tighter onto him. I can't help but notice how nice this feels. Despite the situation, I started to wonder what it would be like to wake up each morning with my arms around someone, or their arms around me. The more I thought about it, the more I couldn't help but think how, even before the loss of my brain, how I don't think I've ever done that. I don't remember being that close to anyone. I don't remember sharing a bed with anyone. What kind of person was I, to not have had one night with another person. Was I always this lonely? Would I always be this lonely? That thought made me snuggle closer to the body next to me, and it might be my wishful thinking, but I couldn't help but feel like Cain was doing the same.
I started to think about Cain. How he was still with us, despite his dislike of the idea. I couldn't help but think that maybe we could eventually become real friends. I felt sad, because it felt like I never really had one of those either. No friends, no lovers, probably no family. Such thoughts makes me feel like an orphan of the world. Well, if this was the most contact I was ever going to get, then I better relish it while I can, even though I know that if the man weren't unconscious, he wouldn't be anywhere near me like this.
I finally started to feel his skin warm itself up, and I was reluctant to let go. Yet I knew the last thing he would want is to wake up naked with another man in a similar state. I got out of the bed and redressed myself in the only clothes I owned. They were they only link I had to the person I was. I didn't want to leave Cain bare like that, so after a bit of rummaging, I found a pair of pajamas that would hopefully be big enough. At least they were clean. And they were in a compartment by the stove, so they were already toasty warm. I maneuvered him into the pajamas, and tucked him back into the now warm bed sheets. I poke the fire in the furnace, and throw the last bits of wood in. I hang up Cain's clothes so that they could start drying, but then something fell out of one of the pockets. It was the little horse that belonged to Cain's son. Looking at it, I noticed a bullet stuck in it's flank. So that's why. The horse blocked the bullet, but the force still caused him to fall out of the window. This little figure might have very well saved his life first and foremost. Before I left to go get more firewood, I put the figure in my pocket. I paused briefly in order to check to make sure Cain didn't have a fever. He did, but it was small. So long as I kept him warm, he would be ok.
When I got back to the caravan, Cain was awake, with his gun pointing right at me. I thought he was intending to shoot me because he knew what I had done to get him warm. Then I thought that maybe he was mad and just needed a convenient target. But when I saw that he was only half awake, I tried to calm down as I turned his gun away. I should have put that somewhere out of his reach, but like always, I wasn't thinking clearly.
Cain thought about that time and wondered why he never thought about it before. Glitch did say that he saved him from hypothermia, and after falling into freezing cold water, there's only one way to do it. He thought for a moment about what it might feel like to feel Glitch's warm skin against his. To feel those arms tighten around him, protecting him. He found that he really liked that idea. He then pictured it the other way around. Having Glitch in his arms, fitting perfectly against him. He felt a stirring in his nether regions that he thought would be forever dormant now. He thought about the time when he watched Glitch take out all those Long Coats swiftly and perfectly as if he were dancing. He was distracted when Glitch charged at him, tackling him to the ground before another group of Long Coats walked by. That was another one he owed Glitch. But then again, if he had been keeping track ever since, he would have lost count of how many times Glitch has helped him, and the sad part is, he couldn't remember ever returning any of those favors. He read on. Soon he came to the part where they found his son.
I remember the look in his eyes when he saw his son. Such joy. It was then clouded by such doubt. Here was a young man who had to be without his father for the past 11 years of heartache. While Cain was trapped in a tin can for that time, this boy had to watch his parents tormented. Had to escape with his mother, seen his mother die, risk capture and escape more often than anyone would care for, until he found himself as leader of this rebel army. He had to do that by himself. He no longer needed his father for guidance or support. I think that was what was eating away at Cain. His son's childhood was stolen. Whatever happy memories they could have had of that time were ripped out of their fingers.
I was afraid Cain was going to think that being heartless was easier. I begged him not to sacrifice his progress of being able to care again on hypothetical torment. He barked at me, "What would a head case like you know?!" That stung, I'll admit that. But I understand why he's upset. I was merely afraid that if he became heartless, then he wouldn't be able to care for the son he has now. His childhood might be gone, but we are all fighting for a better tomorrow. Perhaps they could find good memories in the not too distant future.
As if my wish had been answered, Cain chose his heart. He convinced his son that not having a heart meant that you had nothing worth living for. A bit extreme, but the sentiment was the same as how I felt. Meanwhile, I discovered something else while we were in that camp. That my other half was running the machine that was about to destroy this world. I sat and thought about the implications of it all. My brain, my ideas, my inventions. I thought about the time when we discovered that the Sunseeder was now in Azkadelia's hands. How I burned all the notes, but she decided to take my own brain to get all the knowledge she required. DG hugged me so tightly, and Cain had looked at me with wonderment. I think I earned more respect from him after that. Probably for the fact that I was the only one left who stayed by the Queen's side, despite how bad everything got. But it didn't change the way I felt about everything that's happened.
While I wallowed in my own doubts, I noticed that everyone kept looking at me. I strived to keep my mouth shut, because I know I glitch when I get nervous. Raw had gone away to meditate or something, but I could here some of the rebels say things. "He's not much to look at, but if we do it, then he won't even remember." There were three of them, and I knew what they intended, even though I didn't understand. Just because I'm a… head case. The statement that really ruffled my feathers was when one of them said, "I bet those other two keep him around simply to fuck him. After all, what good is a head case other than a convenient fuck?" What good indeed? I've heard the rumors, so I'm not surprised. I might have thought the same at one time. But I couldn't help but feel sad. This is how everyone sees me nowadays. The few people I've met since and before DG freed me, it's been a roller coaster of hated looks and hated words. Even if we do succeed. those comments might never even change.
Cain felt ashamed that he never saw how much his friend suffered in silence. He was an annoying talker at times, but now Cain wondered how much of that was covering up the fact that he was no longer a complete person. He remembered the time when they discovered that it was his machine that the witch wanted to use for the sister eclipse. He was ashamed that he was responsible for a good part of this whole mess, and that he never would be the genius he once was.
Cain felt tormented that he was always so blind to his friend's pain. He never even tried to figure him out. He just took him for granted, and accepted everything at face value. What sort of friend was he? Why did Glitch ever put up with him let alone… He read on.
The land is saved and the Royal Family is reunited. As happy as I am to see all of this, I can't help but feel a little trepidation. For a few precious moments, I had my mind back. I could feel it. I could remember everything. But as soon as Raw let go, and I was unconscious, I thought I saw him. Me. Ambrose. As though I was seeing a long lost brother. He looked… disappointed in me. I don't know what I could have done to make him look at me like that.
I felt Cain slap me awake, and for a moment, I had a memory blanking glitch, but what he then said made my heart swell. "Good morning sweetheart." I know it was a joke, and I know he didn't mean anything by it. But it was still nice to hear. I was momentarily confused as I was reconnected with… myself. It took me a while to think of the numbers necessary to reverse the ray. I haven't told anyone this, but in those few seconds when I was connected to Ambrose, I could feel how he deeply resented Cain's remark, and more so, my hopefulness of it. I could tell that Ambrose really thought that romance and things of that nature are a complete waste of time. I could tell that if he ever got his way again, then he will do what's necessary to erase such thoughts from his… our mind.
That scares me. He cared for the Queen, but that was more like dealing with the responsibility of his actions. Since he was the Royal Advisor, he refused to think about anything in terms of romance. Why? I wish I knew. Somehow, it makes me feel like a hypocrite. Here I've been trying to help Cain reconnect with his heart, whereas, Ambrose wants to take my heart away. I was afraid. Those seconds felt like an eternity, and I knew that if my brain could ever be returned to me, I don't think Ambrose would be too keen on keeping me around.
Cain read through newer entries, describing the party that followed in celebration of reclaiming the OZ. He mentioned how he tried to help Azkadellia cope with the aftermath of the witch. DG trying to settle into royal life. It all seemed redundant somehow. Until he came across a very interesting entry.
There are many communal showers at the palace, and I happened to stumble in on Cain while he was under one of the many shower heads. I tried to ignore the fact that my eyes wanted to travel all over his body. I feel ashamed for having such thoughts about one of my few friends. But I couldn't help it. I wanted to avoid writing such things in here, but I can't help myself. I need to get this out, or it might come out while I glitch around someone, and that would be worse.
Truth is, I've been dreaming about Cain. Often. If it's not a dream about how tantalizingly seductive he could be, then it would be a nightmare of him taunting me. Those ones hurt more when I was up. He either teases me in a cruel way, or he flat out verbally abuses me. Meanwhile, Ambrose could be there watching this whole thing, and a big fat "I told you so" would be waiting to spill from his lips. Sometimes Ambrose taunts me. Knowing my growing lust for my friend, and using it against me. "You're nothing. No one would ever want you, least of all, him. Look at you. You smell, you stutter, you're annoying. He had a beautiful wife. What makes you think he'd go for an ugly mutt like you? You're pathetic." Sometimes, Cain would be behind him, laughing at me while I cower on the ground. If my mind was being particularly cruel, I would see the two of them together, and I would be ignored and left out. Always left out. I would hear others laughing at me.
Then there were the nightmares where Cain was untouchable. I could look, but could never get to him. And there were those where I was attacked, and he or Ambrose or both just stood there watching while I was ravaged by wild men or animals. I don't think I've had a dream where I could touch Cain the way I want. Probably because I know. I know he would never allow me to touch like that, no matter how much I wanted to. And here he was in all his naked glory, and I couldn't help but feel dirty compared to him. People respect him. They idolize him. As they should. But seeing how much this man could help and lead others, it makes me feel… obsolete. I left without bathing.
Cain could remember a time in the showers when he thought someone was watching him. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling. Just, weird. He took a moment to think about it. Having Glitch there, as he casually was just getting clean. Glitch would probably use a shower cap to cover his zipper. But then he wondered if he's ever seen Glitch naked. He's seen him shirtless on occasion, so he knows he had a decent build. His skin was flawless. No freckles, no blemishes. Just the occasional scar. He thought about the idea of the two of them naked in the caravan, again. That stirring feeling was back. He imagined Glitch's skin would be smooth. He wondered what it would be like to touch him.
He's been drinking. He may not even know it's me that he was leaning on. But I offered him a shoulder to pass out on anyway. If I could be useful in any way, I wanted to help him. The dreams were growing worse. Ambrose was telling me how much I should just give in, and that everyone would be better for it. I've been informed that surgery was possible, whenever I wanted to go through with it, but it was a very dangerous and very unpredictable procedure. I could either be overwhelmed by the two separated consciousness, and my brain could fail completely.
The procedure may not even work at all, and if anything, contaminate the piece of brain I have left. I think the most likely situation, is that Ambrose will take over completely, and it will be as though I never existed. I was concerned when the doctor told me that, and he said, "Look on the bright side. If that is how it happens, then you won't even remember it bothering you." While technically, the man was right… how is that not the same as me dying?
I am not Ambrose. Ambrose would be the one in my body. Granted it might have been his body first, but it still meant that I would most likely go to sleep and never wake up. How many people would be willing to do that willy nilly? Not many I don't think. Maybe that's the thing. No one expects a head case to 'think'.
When Cain was sober again, I told him about the procedure to reattach my brain. He said it sounded like great news. But when I told him the consequences, and my fears, I could swear he looked worried for me. He told me, "It's ultimately your choice. I don't think anyone here would force you into doing something you don't want to do. The Queen herself would back up any decision you make. You know that, right?" I couldn't help but think he was throwing in his own support. I told him that I appreciated his words.
Cain knew where the rest of the entries were leading to, but he forced himself to read on.
Cain is getting worse. No one else even tries to help him. I bet it's nightmares of his family that causes him to act this way. I have tried and tried to get him to open up to me. To talk to me. But he still refuses. Even the Drink is not strong enough to loosen his tongue. It breaks my heart, and I cry in silence every time he passes out from exhaustion. I want to tell him how much it hurts me to see him like this, but I think he would either ignore it, or he would think it's none of my business. If it wasn't for the fact that Cain has started coming to my room to, at the very least, pass out, then I might as well be another ghost to him.
I try to talk to him when he's sober, and be a friend, but I guess I don't know how. He thinks I talk too much, and since I know he has his demons to look at, I feel like I shouldn't bother him with my own problems. After all, in the grand scheme of things, they're not important. While DG is busy being a Princess, and Raw comes and goes frequently, it's hard to believe that these three people became my closest friends. But seeing how far we've drifted apart… I guess I shouldn't have expected it to last. After all, what do I know of friends? I never had any.
Perhaps it's the way of things. Given enough time, they'd all just…blow away as if the wind carried them away. It feels like Cain Is the only one I have left, and I'm losing him too.
All that was left in that book was the first entry he already read. But reading it again made him feel sick. If Glitch really did seize to exist, it would be all his fault. Cain never realized what a selfish bastard he's been to his friend all this time. He looked back on their conversations in the past annual or so. He never realized it, but Glitch only talked with him about mundane things, as if trying to get their minds off of the less pleasant thoughts. But never once did he tell how he was, or how he had been doing living in the palace again.
Cain tried to imagine what it must have been like. To have everyone talk behind your back as if you weren't important enough to talk to period. And the only companion you had was a self absorbed jerk who never even bothered to ask, "Are you doing ok?" Cain felt disgusted with himself. Seeing that his fire had gone out and the first rays of the sun were peaking over the horizon, he decided to continue his journey. He needed to ride hard. He would pamper his horse later, but he needed to see Glitch NOW.
TBC