Heh. I typed this chapter up on my new laptop. . And his name is Squee.

I don't think there will be very many chapters after this. Maybe eight or so, but I'm about to reach my goal of either putting our boys together or ripping the hearts out of both. That's only a possibility, though. For all I know this thing could go on to forty-three chapters, like Magic's Survivor. Or more than a hundred, like Lothiriel, by JunoMagic. I hope the latter doesn't happen, though. I should think I'd run out of plot, characters, and stamina. And an audience. (Btw, two really great fics just ended. Magic's Survivor, by Shaelesand, and Grass is Greener, by etcetera cat. Go read 'em.)

Soundtrack for this Chapter: Uh… "Borrowed Time," By Leahy? It's a hard song to find. I got it on Kazaa. If anyone wants a copy, leave your e-mail in a review and I'll send it. It's a bittersweet song.

Eighty-thousand words. . . Y'know, folks, I've realized that technically this counts as a novel now. Whee! I've written a novel and two novellas! (Technically it's really only one novella for the moment, but Circles counts as a novel, and Violin counts as a novella, although sooner or later it will be a novel in its own right.)

Fireblade K'Chona: I didn't know. I still don't. Angst. . . Fluff. . . Hell, why not both? Or neither? o.o I scare myself when I realize that I don't know where this story is going. . . . Then I forget and am happy for a few weeks.

Thanks to TatsuKitty, wizard116, Shadowfax, and Fimbrethil. And Mischakitsune. Without her, errors would pepper this, annoying reviewers everywhere.

Well, here it is. The chapter that I'm sure you've all been waiting for since I announced they were lifebonded. The moment of truth: Will Rowen accept Julian, or will he chuck everyone's favorite Bard out of his heart's door so Julian can die a lonely, pain-filled death in a ditch somewhere? (Personally I prefer the ditch option. . . .)

The answer lies below. . . .

God knows it's easy to hide,
Easy to hide from the things that you feel
And harder to blindly trust
What you can't understand

God knows it's easy to run,
Easy to run from the people you love
And harder to stand and fight
For the things you believe

Nothing about us was perfect or clear
But when paradise calls me
I'd rather be here
There's something between us
That nobody else needs to see

"I'd Give It All For You" from the musical, Songs for a New World

Chapter 27: I'd Give It All For You

Hooves on the pavement before him.

"Julian, would you happen to know what, exactly it is that you know and I don't?"

'Oh no.'

Julian plastered a fake smile on his face and asked Rowen, "What do you mean?"

'Not about the lifebond, not about the lifebond, not about the lifebond, please Gods, not about the lifebond!'

"Apparently I don't know about something, and Gaelan said to ask you about it."

Irritation. Rowen had no idea what Julian knew, and he wanted to know quite badly.

"Rowen," Julian began quickly, "I have no idea what he meant. I'm just as in the dark as you are."

In truth, Julian was in the dark. Gaelan could have been talking about the lifebond, but there were a lot of things Rowen didn't know that the Groveborn probably did know about. Like the fact that Julian was shaych, for one. Or the fact that Julian was in love with Rowen. Had been, in fact, since before he knew about the lifebond. Possibly that Julian knew how to play the ocarina, a strange little wind instrument from Seejay. It could be any number of things, but the only ones that affected Rowen were the lifebond, Julian's love for him, and the fact that he was shaych, but that was a side issue for now.

Confusion. "Julian, I'd been sarcastic with Gaelan about a physical relationship with him, and he made a choking noise. When I asked him to explain it, he said that I didn't know about something, and when I asked him about it, he said to do some soul searching and then ask you about it."

'Soul. . . . He does mean the lifebond!'

Julian inadvertently cursed, and Rowen took a step closer. "You know something," he said accusingly. Then his voice softened, but Julian could still tell that he was slightly annoyed.

"Julian, please tell me. The way Gaelan said it made me feel like I'm being oblivious to something immensely important. Something that could change my view on the world. And it involves you. Please, Julian. Tell me."

'Tell you? Tell you that I love you and that we're lifebonded? Make you hate me forever?'

"I'm still lost, Rowen. I have no idea." His voice cracked slightly, and Rowen's attitude changed to both concern and resentment.

"I can tell you're lying." Rowen sounded doubtful. "Why are you lying?"

"I'm not."

"You are."

"You're beginning to sound like a child."

"Would it kill you to just tell me?" Rowen asked.

Through gritted teeth, Julian said, "Yes, it very well might."

Contriteness. "Something's got you on edge, and this has got to be it."

Damn him. "Yes, something's damn well got me on edge," Julian snapped, "But it's not your business!"

Anger. "It has to do with me," Rowen bit out. "That makes it my business. Tell me what's bothering you, Julian. I feel like you've been avoiding me, and I know you've been distant. I don't like it when my friends avoid me, and I like it even less when you're avoiding me."

"It has to do with me," Rowen bit out. "That makes it my business. me what's bothering you, Julian. I feel like you've been avoiding me, and I you've been distant. I don't like it when my friends avoid me, and I like it even less when avoiding me."

'You just don't understand,' Julian thought helplessly.

"Rowen, I've said this before and I'll say it again. I can't tell you. You'd hate me, and I won't be able to bear that. Please stop asking."

"Is it that you're shaych?" Rowen asked suddenly.

"No it's—what did you say?" Julian felt himself blanch.

"Is it that you're shaych?" Rowen repeated. This time he sounded and Felt less sure of himself, though.

How had he found out? Surely Sendan or Masaan wouldn't have said anything. . . No, Julian decided. They wouldn't. He would have been able to feel their guilt as they'd said it, and there had been nothing from them except for generalized feelings that Julian usually got from a Healer or a child.

"I—" Julian hesitated, and Rowen's meager feeling of confidence grew.

"Are you?" he asked the Bard softly. "It wouldn't bother me if you are. I swear it, Julian. It would not disgust me."

Still, Julian hesitated. Should he have his secret out in the open now? Sendan and Masaan were the only ones that knew here. A few trusted friends, and of course, his few-and-far-between-lovers, were the only ones in Valdemar that knew. What harm could it do if Rowen knew? It might even make the Changechild think that that was what Gaelan had mentioned, and he might decide to leave the matter alone.

Julian set his chin and turned toward Rowen—even though he couldn't see, the posture itself radiated openness—and smiled nervously. "Yes, I am," he said, though inside his stomach was writhing like a snake. What if Rowen had been lying? What if Rowen hadn't been sure? What if Rowen—

"While I believe you, I know for a fact that that's not what's been keeping you sleepless at night and causing you to have late-night whispered conversations with Masaan," Rowen said matter-of-factly.

"It is!" Julian said hotly.

Rowen was quiet for a long moment, then ventured quietly, "Do you feel attraction for me?" Nervousness.

'Dear Gods.' Should he tell the truth and have their relationship forever change, or lie and hope it stayed the way it was? But now. . . Rowen would continue to question who and what Julian was, and eventually he would figure everything out. Would it be better to have him angry and afraid now, or angry and afraid later?

'Later,' Julian decided. 'Definitely later.'

"No," he said, proud that his voice was steady and sure. "I do not."

Slight Disappointment. "Oh," Rowen said. "Wait a minute. Julian," he said hesitantly. "I love you."

'He- what?' The shock of those three little words sent Julian into a whirlwind of confusion. He blushed, paled, blushed again—and his carefully crafted shields came crashing down, sending every emotion he had—love for Rowen, worry that Rowen would discover the lifebond, unhappiness at having to hide both the lifebond and how much he cared for the Changechild every day, fear of losing Rowen once he found out, and a million other emotions—flying to the four winds—free for Rowen to see.

'NO!'

Julian slammed his shields back up with a crack that was nearly audible, and hastily sent out a wave of confusion, hoping to scramble the emotions flying free through the air in a rainbow of coruscation that only his mind could show his blind eyes.

Too late. There was a moment of silver silence, and then one of Rowen's hooves scuffed on the pavement. He didn't speak. Julian found that he himself couldn't, and they stared at each other in silence; Rowen with his eyes of green fire and Julian with his Gift at the roiling mass of emotions that was Rowen. That he had caused.

That he had released.

And Rowen knew.

Julian knew that Rowen had only said the words to shock him into letting his shields down, and that he had gotten exactly what he wanted. Julian felt betrayed, and it wasn't long before he felt tears well up from his soul, escape the dams of his eyes and run down his cheeks.

A knife would be quick, wouldn't it? A knife to the heart¾ a lesser pain than the knives that stabbed his heart with every tear that fled his empty eyes.

He finally shattered the uneasy silence. "I should go," he whispered, and turned to leave. He'd gotten three steps before a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"No," Rowen said hoarsely, tightening his hand on Julian's shoulder. "We have to figure this out," he continued. "This—Julian, are we really—" he seemed to have something stuck in his throat.

"Lifebonded?" Julian said quietly, not turning around. "Yes. I'm so sorry."

For a moment, Rowen's seething emotions cleared. Confusion. "Why?"

"Because you deserve to be lifebonded to someone better," Julian said bluntly. "Someone attractive, someone you can be attracted to. Someone—" he nearly choked. "—who is not me," he finished.

"Julian. . . ." Rowen breathed his name, and it was more than Julian could bear.

"Stop it!" he cried. "I'm sick of this lying! I'm sick of lying to you, and I'm sick of lying to myself! I love you, and there's nothing I can do about it. I tried to ignore it, telling myself it would go away in time, and that the lifebond didn't matter! But it didn't. I think I would die if I ever had to be apart from you, but I'm dying right now not being near you! I hate myself for loving you, and I hate you for making me love you! I knew," he said, losing the stamina to yell and continuing in a quiet voice, "that there was no way you could ever love me back. I told myself—I told myself that if I made you see how ugly I was, and you told me how ugly I was, it would make me not love you. But you told me it was attractive—that I was attractive, and my resolve flew to pieces.

"It never worked. I berated myself constantly, and still you encouraged me, all the while encouraging ad building this love."

A major emotion was now pity.

"I don't want your pity," Julian said, trying to push Rowen's hand off his shoulder. "I don't want it, and I don't need it. All you did was encourage me, and encourage it. Now. . . I think I might die if I'm away from you. That's why¾ that's why I want you to ask a Herald-Mage to break it. Gaelan might be able to; ask him. All I want is an end to this unrequited Hell and to try to make myself not love you anymore."

Confusion.

"Don't you see? I need you to hate me. Cast me out of your thoughts, cast me out of your memories, cast me out of your life. Just get me away from you, because I know that all you can truly be feeling is disgust, and I don't want that. I need you to tell me—" Julian almost faltered, then his resolve steeled.

"I need you to tell me that you don't love me."

He waited expectantly for those four words that would shatter his heart and make his life meaningless.

What he got was a significantly different answer. Rowen spun him around roughly and gripped Julian by the shoulders so hard it hurt.

Julian could feel hot, salt-scented breath on his face. "Do you really think that I would say those words?" Rowen asked. He gave Julian a little shake. "We're lifebonded. That means something, Julian. Wholeness. We complete each other. If that doesn't mean something to you, I don't know what does. I know it means something to me."

Julian tried to protest, to tell Rowen to stop toying with him, but the Changechild continued.

"I don't know if I love you, Julian. I love you as a friend; that I know. I don't know that I'm in love with you, but I may be."

How can you be this cruel? Julian wanted to say. He knew Rowen. Rowen was a stoic man who wasn't given to loving often, and even if he did love something, it would surely not be the unworthy Julian J'Erthan.

Heedless, Rowen plowed on, oblivious to the pain flashing across Julian's heart.

"I may love you, but I'm not sure. I don't dally in love, and I don't dally with lifebonds. This is a serious thing, and I'm not willing to see you get hurt."

Julian had finally had enough. He ripped his shoulders out of Rowen's hands and shoved himself away, landing with his back flat against the side of the stair housing.

"You're hurting me right now!" he screamed. "I know this isn't possible, so stop teasing me, stop trying to fool yourself, and get on with it!"

"I can't," Rowen said simply. "I can't say that I don't love you, because I don't not love you. I love you as a friend, and I love you as. . ." he paused, but then continued with more passion. "As a man. I love you as a man. Will that make you happy? All I want is your happiness."

"So don't play the martyr and sacrifice yourself for me! You would not be happy with me, and my happiness would be to set you free, not see you chained to me! Just say the godforsaken words!"

"No," Rowen said, and touched Julian's scarred cheek. Julian felt strong arms come around him and separate him from the wall. Those arms held him at arms length, and Julian could feel Rowen's eyes burning into his face. Of their own volition, his own hands lifted to Rowen's face, and felt the tears there.

'Tears,' he thought with wonder. 'For me?'

One of those tears splashed onto Julian's face, and he turned it up, wishing that he could see Rowen's face—wishing that he could see the emotion that must be etched there.

"I love you," Rowen said almost in wonder, and then kissed him.

Warmth, and the feeling of clumsy lips against his own. The ever-present darkness lightened until it seemed like there were sparks of light flashing before Julian's broken eyes.

Rowen's arms crushed him against a strong, broad torso, and for the first time in his life, Julian felt entirely safe.

The Changechild's lips shifted to his scarred cheek, and he brushed his lips against every line and scar there; kissed Julian's unseeing eyes; kissed the long tear scar on his other cheek.

Rowen kissed him, or he kissed Rowen, and there was no need for air. He had Rowen, and that was enough.