363 days before

We go straight to my car—Four driving—and head for the hospital. Round And Round by Imagine Dragons plays in the background. I put my head in my hands and try to wake up from this horrible dream.

We are all living the same way, the same way

We are escaping the same way, the same way

Circling

I feel Four's hand on my shoulder.

We are a part of the same play, the same play

We think we're making our own way, our own way

Circling

I've always been able to relate to Imagine Dragons' songs, that's what makes them my favorite band. But right now, I just need to sit in the silence, and take everything in. I turn the volume down a little bit, so it's just a soft hum.

Eventually, we get to the hospital, and my father texts me directions to her room. I wonder if anyone has called Caleb. Four and I head to her floor. Once we get to her room, I don't see my mother. I don't see her smile, I don't see her bright green eyes.

Open your eyes, Mom. Please open your eyes.

Dad sits in one of the chairs next to her bed, not even questioning who Four is and why is he here. I sit at the foot of the bed. "Is she conscious?" I ask.

Dad shakes his head no. He glances up at Four, who is standing awkwardly in the doorway. "You can come in, son. Nothin' to be afraid of." Dad averts his gaze back to Mom. Four walks in hesitantly and sits next to me on the bed.

"She was up, making dinner one minute. I look away, and she passes out," Dad says weakly. "It's getting worse, the cancer, it's definitely getting worse. It's in her blood…"

"Dad, don't sound so defeated. She's gonna wake up, and fight this," I say. "She has to."

Someone knocks on the door. "Mom?" It's Caleb. "Hey, who the heck are you?" He asks, his stare drifting from Mom to Four.

"He's a friend, Caleb," I growl at my brother. "Leave him alone. You can interrogate him when we don't have a Mom in the hospital."

Caleb sighs and takes the seat next to Dad. No one says anything, but we don't need to. Right now, we just need to be with mom.

…

It's late. Almost 11:30 at night. Dad tells us that he'll stay with Mom, so the three of us—Four, Caleb, and I—walk in silence to the elevators. In the parking lot, I give Caleb a silent hug and tell him goodnight. Four and I walk to my car, and I sit on the hood.

"I just need a moment," I tell him, giving him a weak smile. He doesn't bother to return it. He cares about my Mom and he hasn't even met her properly yet. I put my face in my hands again, and I don't cry, I just sit there, with Four's hand back on my shoulder.

We eventually get back into the car, Round And Round still playing softly in the background.

Round and round

I won't run away this time

Til you show me what this life is for

Round and round

I'm not gonna let you change my mind

Til you show me what this life is for

"Hey," Four says quietly, not looking at me. "She's gonna wake up, okay?"

I don't know what comes over me, he's just being nice. "Shut up," I tell him, looking out the window.

"There's no need to-" I cut him off.

"I know you're just trying to be nice, Four, and it's not working," I say, harsher than I mean to be, but then again, I did just tell him to shut up. He gets quiet, and stays quiet.

We get to his apartment building, and when he gets out, he barely glances at me. "See you around, I guess," he says so quiet that I can barely hear him.

As I drive home, I regret everything I said to him. He was just trying to be nice, and me, the girl so afraid of losing her mother, the girl who liked being around him, the girl who—even though she barely knew him—knew that his whole life has probably been worse than the girl's past two days.

"I am a horrible person," I repeat to myself quietly as I drive myself home.

358 days before

We haven't spoken to each other in five days. Five days without calling each other, five days without texting. He probably hates me. And to make things worse, Mom still hasn't woken up yet. I miss her, I really miss her.

I haven't even told Christina about Four and I's fallout (if you can really call it that. It was more so me snapping at him from stress). But I already know what she would say. Something along the lines of "APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY" or "YOU DIDN'T REALLY SAY THAT, PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT!"

I know I need to talk to him though, but not until I go see how Dad is holding up. He's been staying at the hospital, waiting for Mom to wake up. The doctors say she will, they say she'll wake up with minimum damage, but I don't know what even to believe anymore.

I knock on the hospital room door softly. "Hey Dad," I say, walking in and taking my usual place on the bed.

"Hey honey," Dad says, and his voice sounds hoarse. He kisses me on my forehead.

"How have you been?" I ask, even though I already know the answer.

"Fine honey," he runs a hand through his unkempt hair. "Just waiting for your mother, like I have been."

"Yeah, it's been kinda stressf-" I am interrupted by my mother taking in a deep breath, and her eyelids flying open, revealing her green eyes. I stand up off of the bed.

"An-Andrew," she says, looking at my father.

"Natalie," he replies, and gives her a hug. "H-how do you feel?"

"A little dizzy," she smiles. "Beatrice, h-how have you been, honey? Where's Caleb?"

"I'll call him and tell him you've woken up," I say, looking down at the floor, and not answering her question about how I've been, because I haven't been doing fine. I haven't been in a good mood. I miss Four, and he hates me now.

I tell my parents I'm going outside to call Caleb, but I really go outside to avoid thinking about Four, to avoid my regret, to avoid bursting into tears.

I sit on the hood of my car and my phone begins to ring. It's Zeke.

"Okay, I don't know what happened or what you said, but you need to talk to Four like right now," he says as soon as I answer the phone.

"Zeke, I need to call my brother, I'll text Four later," I lie. I'm afraid he will just ignore me if I try to text or call him, so I just won't do it.

Zeke sighs. "Whatever, but you need to see him, like in person. He seems really depressed and doesn't want to talk about whatever happened. Hey…you don't sound too cheery either. What exactly happened between you two?"

The tears are in my eyes. "I-I…some family stuff came up and I was stressed and I snapped at him. I didn't mean what I said, I really didn't! And I regret it so freakin' much," the tears are on my cheeks.

"Okay," Zeke's voice now sounds calmer, softer, like he's right next to me, comforting me, "tell that to Four, he'll understand."

"I just want us to be friends," I say, my voice shaking.

"Okay, instead of calling your brother, call Four," Zeke hangs up. I've known Zeke and Shauna since I was in 5th grade, because Christina and I thought we were cool if we were friends with middle schoolers. So Uriah brought us to his house one day to hear Zeke play the guitar, and we all started hanging out with each other. Then, in 6th grade, we met Marlene and we've been friends since. I'm so thankful for them. But I still need to let my brother know that Mom is awake.

…

"So Mom, what was it like being in a coma?" Caleb asks after at least ten minutes of hugging, crying and sitting in silence. He sits on the bed next to me.

"What kind of question is that, Caleb?" I say, raising my eyebrows at him. Hs rolls his eyes at me.

Mom answers his question anyway. "Well, it felt like I was in a dream. A dream I couldn't wake up from. This may sound weird but…it felt very calming, and I think…I think that's what death is like."

If that's what death is like, then why do I fear such a peaceful experience?

"You're not dying anytime soon," Dad says, his voice stern. "We're going to get through this, Natalie. Together, as a family."

"Andrew. You have to accept the truth," she says calmly. "You heard what the doctor said." She touches Dad's arm gently.

"Wait, what did the doctor say?" I ask.

"To hell with what the doctor said," Dad says, his voice rising.

"Dad, calm down," Caleb sighs.

"What did the doctor say?" I question again.

Mom sighs. "Doc gave me only about a year to live." She shrugs. "I'm not afraid and you shouldn't be either. Think of it this way: I will be going on a grand adventure that you guys will join me on soon enough." This seems to calm Dad and Caleb down. Not me. Not me.

She smiles. "You guys have nothing to worry about. I'm not scared, so you guys don't be scared, hear me, Bea?" I nod, to hide my real feelings. My real feelings of fear, of sadness.