CH 4: Not Giving Up

Catherine sat blankly staring at the white wall ahead of her. The clean smell of nothing mixed with the extending silence that reached every corner of the building made the girl a little less alive. She picked at the edges of her nails to give herself a mindless task as she wallowed in the remorse of her past actions. All she could ask herself was what she was doing. It wasn't right; she really liked Tadashi. Catherine may not have been the most intuitive person but she knew better than having gone up to him at that hour on the circumstances they were on. She kept scratching at her skin, wishing she could go back, not to that night with Tadashi but to that night with Kade. She wished she was still being blindly led by love, even if it would eventually dismantle her she wondered what her relationship would be still soaked in bliss ignorance.

"Anders, get ready, you're scrubbing in on the Connor surgery." The girl's residence ordered. The older woman had a blonde pixie cut and a stern kind of face.

"Right away, Dr. Thaler ."

"You okay, Anders." She looked back with an impatient yet slightly concerned expression.

"Sure thing." Catherine smiles perfectly and the doctor pretends to buy it.

That evening was Catherine's first hands on heart surgery. There was a responsibility about it that made her feel useful, like she was walking into that ER to make a difference. She washed her hands thoroughly and was helped on with her scrubs. The initial cut was made after the sterilizing and Catherine held steady. Her job was simple, mostly just holding the tools or finishing off sutures but to her it felt so mesmeric, like it was the first truly dignified thing she'd done in a while. Luckily Dr. Thaler and Dr. Kumal, the heads of the six person team, were experts in their field and could easily get through the surgery without any setbacks .At the same time that the girl felt honored she also felt disgraceful, almost hypocritical. She too aimed to specialize in cardiology but the things she did to Tadashi's metaphorical heart were the opposite of helpful.

After the surgery she found herself jittery and tense. Her shift was over though and she could shed all her worries outside the hospital, where she didn't need to be above human. Leaning on the large wall of the buildings left wing Catherine waited for Tadashi. He hadn't said he was going to pick her up but she had nowhere else to go after her shift and it was a given that her boyfriend wouldn't leave without at least checking to see if she'd gotten off already. Sure enough, about fifteen minutes into the flat winter night the familiar silhouette of the slim but toned guy showed up.

"Hey, I was just gonna check if you were out yet." He says with a content voice as he walked up to Catherine and cupped a hand over one side of her hip and lightly greeted her with a small kiss. Catherine just nodded; her lids heavy and her feet sore. The boy instantly felt her aura and escorted her towards his bike.

"You didn't come by car today?" He asks while still keeping his hand on her hip.

"It's at checkup." She answered without much detail and Tadashi tensed up, wondering if they were completely made up or still on rough roads. His fingers twitched at the thought of having another argument with the girl but the thoughts subsided when her fingers lazily searched for his hand and took hold of the slightly larger model.

"Hey, you okay?" Tadashi asked her this as he sat on his bike and handed her his helmet. She didn't answer, she only sat behind him and grabbed onto him tightly. He took a breath in at the strength of her hug. It wasn't peculiar to have Catherine be so intense but it was a bit different for her to be so transparent about it. If he had to guess he would say she was feeling guilty about something and he'd be right. The only thing the poor boy didn't understand was that it was the person she was holding was what she was guilty about. He smoothed her hands grasping onto his shirt with his own hands and started the bike.

The cold air blowing against them made the two of them have chills riding up their arms. Catherine watched the nook of Tadashi's neck like it was a painting; the goose bumps that had lightly formed and the way his black hair stopped at a certain point. Suddenly she kissed the spot she'd been observing. Tadashi felt the kiss and received it with affection but chose to keep his eyes on the streets. When he was obligated to stop at a red light he cocked his head to the side faintly to look at Catherine who had taken off the helmet and clicked it on the boy. Tadashi was going to protest, preferring to keep her safe, but she snuggled with such need on the boys back that he realized that's why she took it off in the first place; to be closer to him. At the thought he smiled a bit and just enjoyed the feeling of her warm breath heating up a circle where she had pressed her nose and mouth. If he could he would have made the ride longer just to keep feeling that attention he'd missed from her recently but they were already coming up to Catherine's apartment complex.

Reaching the front of her building Tadashi waits for Catherine to step down, say good night and walk away but she doesn't.

"Catherine?" He calls lowly with a rasping voice created by a blend of the frigid air and an uncertainty of the girl's actions.

"I did a heart surgery today." The girl stated out of the blue still glued to Tadashi's back; her cheek was so warm on his blazer that it felt almost unnecessary to pull away.

"Really?" Tadashi played into her scenario and stood there balancing the bike as she hung onto him.

"You know they don't look like how people think they do." Catherine said these words with a blandness to them that made it feel less like a commonly known fact and more like an abstract phrase.

"Is that so?" The boy asked intrigued by what she was trying to get at with these comments.

"Yeah, it bleeds." Tears started to form behind the girl's closed lids but she fought them back. This time Tadashi was silent. He didn't understand the point. But how couldn't he? He was the point. With that last encrypted mention she ripped herself away from the body heat that felt so heavenly in that cold night. Tadashi was left with a thinking expression.

"Good night." Tadashi shouted out as Catherine was already a few steps towards her building. She turned and stared at the boy. He felt unreciprocated at the silence and waited a few seconds before starting the bike.

"Tadashi, wait!" The girl ran to her boyfriend and embraced him tightly again. He looked at her confused as to what was going on inside of her. The look he gave, however, was too much for Catherine and before she noticed it or could stop herself she was passionately kissing Tadashi. Normally she would be washed by embarrassment to be kissing like that in public but the sorrow of what she was putting him through, even if he hadn't realized it yet, was so strong it compelled her to do something for him as an early sorry statement. The boy kissed her back just as ardently as she made the kiss be and relished every second of it.

"Good night, Tadashi."

"Good night. I...I'll see you tomorrow." Tadashi stuttered with a grin, still lost in the kiss.

As Tadashi slowly rode off he kept looking back to his girlfriend every two seconds until she was gone. He didn't understand what was making her that moody and from past experience he learned to just wait it out but whatever it was this time it couldn't be so bad, right? After all she had kissed him like they used to. Honestly Tadashi didn't comprehend too much at the moment but of one thing he was sure; he wasn't ever going to give Catherine up and now that he thought about it he was starting to recognize that more than like or admire her, he was in love with her. He tried to make himself shake these thoughts out of his mind but the more he dwelled on them the more they made sense. He really loved Catherine.