Play Dead – Björk

the next morning edward is parked behind my truck once again, this time waiting patiently inside the car with a calm expression on his face. my chest tightens as i walk down the porch stairs with my things and i'm quieting the stirring inside me for a completely different reason now. something is unraveling, something previously packaged with air tight parameters. i climb into his car and grab the coffee out of his car's cupholder, indifferent as to whether it's his or mine.

"and a good morning to you bella." he looks me up and down before starting the car and peeling out of the driveway.

"last night i was subjected to the spanish inquisition." i grumble. i reach for the brown paper bag sitting on the dashboard and open it, inhaling the scent of fresh cinnamon raisin bagels. "my parents wanted to know how i got to school if my truck and backpack were in the still in the driveway."

"and what'd you say?"

"nothing. eventually they started arguing about who's more at fault for my lapse in attendance and all i had to do was slip out of the room." i take a large bite and turn to look out the window, my earphones already in place. i wait for edward to say something sympathetic but it doesn't happen. his nimble fingers reach forward and increase the strength of the air conditoner.

the bass behind the song i'm listening to makes the trees dance as the volvo speeds past them but edward interrupts the flow with a question.

"so are we actually going to school today?"

"of course. i won't become a deliquent like you."

"not yet anyway." he replies confidently. he spares me a glance before making a left turn. "why don't you take those earbuds out and talk to me?"

"good one." i turn the volume up and continue to look out the window, ignoring him until he pulls into his usual space in the forks high parking lot. it is when the trees twist and transition into the gawking expressions of our forks high student body that i take my earbuds out and turn to him. "no funny business when we get out of this car." i didn't want him getting any strange ideas and have everyone think we were an item.

"so you're allowing funny business inside the car?"

i glare at him, not a hint of laughter on my face. edward holds his hands up in surrender.

"you have my word, little fish." we exit the car and walk side by side towards the main building, subtly taking in the perplexed faces of everyone in the parking lot. we might as well be holding hands and gazing into one another's eyes, the way we're being ogled. i feel the cool façade i plastered on heating from beneath the surface, like hot jets of air being pumped into my liquid mask. i'm not so used to having everyone watch me. i look up at edward and see that he's staring fixedly at the building ahead of us, his expression relaxed but aloof. upon closer inspection i can see the slight hardening of his eyes and the way his mouth is set upon his face like a cliffside. he's uncomfortable too but just as skilled at hiding it. for a short moment, edward cullen and i are peas of the same pod. ants under a magnifying glass, scalded by the concentrated sunlight.

"you don't have to walk with me," i murmur quietly, keeping my eyes downcast and away from his face.

"i know." while walking towards my locker we walk past edward's, where lauren was waiting patiently with her most brilliant poker face before spotting me beside him. i watch with mild amusement as her expression transforms into anger resurrected from the deepest pits of hell.

"judging from the look on lauren's face, you might have to escort me to my truck this afternoon as well." his face erupts into a sunny grin, very attractive with glowing backlit green eyes.

"i've no problem with that." i almost want to give lauren a sign of some sort to assure her i'm doing nothing she wouldn't approve of. perhaps schedule her for a conference? i've tried blatantly ignoring him, i've tried rudeness and nothing seemed to be repelling him. i was losing my sense of commitment and becoming acutely aware of how my interest in him was growing. pathetic. i've watched edward cullen break hearts all over this school and still i was falling for his schemes.

edward lingers at my locker while i put my textbooks away and gather my notes for trigonometry, watching me with an embarrassingly fascinated expression. i can feel my face steadily heating, like a cool mercury thermometer placed in a vat of boiling water. i can also feel my sense of irritation with him increasing. i don't like being ruffled or flustered and i don't like anyone who causes such a reaction inside me.

"don't you have somewhere else to be?" i snap, much more harsh than i'd intended but there was a sense of nervousness behind my exasperation. "like, talking to lauren over at your locker?"

"it's a shame we don't have any classes together, it'd be nice to walk with you through the halls again. i'd never seen such a frenzy." he turns away from me and leans against the adjacent locker, facing the hall, watching as the student body straggles along. everyone is dragging their feet to their respective classes.

"you didn't seem to be enjoying it."

"i wasn't. but i enjoy seeing you detest it, enough to go through it again." another sunny smile. "care to join me for lunch?"

"i don't eat lunch." not with you anyway. edward's cheerful smile turns into counterfeit horror.

"not only do you skip breakfast, but lunch too? looks like you're much more in need of my care than i'd originally thought." the bell rings just as i slam my locker shut and begin walking in the opposite direction of edward. it's a blessing rather than a curse that i don't have any classes with him, he's far too much of a distraction to have to deal with during my lessons. i keep my head down as i head to trig, ignoring the proverbial daggers lauren glares into my back as i walk past her. i actually feel some semblance of pity for her when i notice that she's still standing by edward's locker, probably full of all kinds of hopes and misconceptions. regardless, i put edward at the back of my mind and hurry to class. lauren serves as a lesson and a reminder of my priorities and i'm grateful for that.

the rest of the day up to lunch goes by without incident, something i'm immensely grateful for. i take my usual seat by the window and look off into the sky for most of my classes, paying attention only when homework or test material is mentioned. the teachers seem to understand that i'm far too advanced to be bothered with and only ask questions to jog me awake when i'm practically drooling on my desk during naps. i barely register the curious whispers of my fellow classmates, all buzzing with gossip and doubts about edward and his sudden interest in my existence. part of me desires to jump right into their conversations and gossip along with them, their speculations are as good as gold as of now. i have no other explanations to go on besides the one presented to me by the devil himself and his remarks are still very questionable. there is nothing exhilarating about spending the day with someone who abhors you. but perhaps edward just likes a challenge. after all, there were plenty of times where i'd seen him and lauren playing proverbial cat and mouse when i would head home after swimming. he seemed to enjoy the thrill of the chase far more than the actual conquest.

when the bell rings for lunch, i am the first one out of the classroom. ms. zhapa is barely finished explaining the latin homework before i am whizzing out the door and down the hallway, looking left and right and behind me as though i'm being hunted. and maybe i am. if i'm fast enough, i can deposit my books into my locker and hide in the girl's bathroom while edward wanders aimlessly looking for me. he'd only be able to search until the second bell before a teacher would usher him to the cafeteria. i make it to my locker in record time and before tyler crowley, my locker neighbor can even turn to me and nod hello i'm powerwalking down the hall toward's the girl bathroom. as i sit on the toilet and read the graffiti on the stall walls, my only hope is that no one has ratted my location out to edward. does he even have friends? the boys of the school envy his romantic prowess while the girls both love and hate him. i'd actually never seen him talk to anyone besides his current romantic interest. i muse over this observation for a few minutes to kill time.

well after the second bell has rung, i finally stand up, stretch my legs and head to the pool gymnasium. during lunch i tend to eat beside the pool water with the lights off, watching the waves reflect on the walls. it's relaxing and peaceful, a nice break from the loud voices of the students in the cafeteria. i hear enough yelling and screaming at home, it's hard for me to process those kinds of sounds without feeling unnecessarily anxious, regardless of whether or not they're arguments. i walk into the gymnasium and before i can even take in the beautiful view, i feel his presence behind me, leaning by the door.

"it's almost as if you have no idea how predictable you are," he says around a mouthful of what appears to be an abnormally large sandwich in his hand. "i mean, where else would you go to eat lunch?" his rhetorical question grates on my nerves and i stalk away from him towards the other side of the pool.

"you stay on that end and i stay on this end, got it?" i sit by the fire exit and open my bookbag, removing a large tube of pringles potato chips.

"or maybe," he continues after swallowing, "you knew i'd find you in this gymnasium and didn't care. maybe, just maybe, bella swan is beginning to enjoy my company."

"anyone can develop stockholm syndrome." i call from across the pool. "don't flatter yourself."

"stockholm syndrome, ouch." edward picks up his bag and walks over to my side of the pool, smiling at me the entire way. after setting his bag beside me, he squats down to his knees and looks me square in the eyes. "is that all you're going to be eating?"

"i've got a banana to prevent muscle cramps before i swim." i pull it out and peel it before taking a large bite. its texture mixed with my potato chips disgusts me.

"eat this." he tosses his half bitten sandwich into my lap and in the same second snatches my tube of pringles. "it's an egg, bacon, lettuce, tomato and grilled cheese sandwich. whole wheat bread with oats embedded in it."

"jesus, are you a marathon runner?" i swallow my banana and chips before taking a tentative bite of the sandwich. edward raises an auburn eyebrow.

"you should be eating this every day. or at least something like it. no wonder you're so scrawny, all that exercise and no food."

my ego nosedives to the bottom of the pool.

"scrawny." i hum, chewing on the crust of the whole wheat oatmeal bread. "is scrawny your type now?" edward leans in closer, squinting his emerald eyes at me before rocking back onto his heels.

"i'm sorry for hurting your feelings. you're skinny but still very attractive." his eyes are full of mirth and a smile is playing on his lips. with no rebuttal, i take another large bite of his sandwich. we eat in silence for a brief amount of time. "all fish look awkward on land but glimmer and glow beneath the surface. i believe the same to be true about you." his hand sweeps my long hair off my shoulder, leaving it to rest on my curved back. my face flames, the fire traveling quickly from my neck to my hairline. i press my hand to my cheek and feel my skin blaze.

what am i doing? and what is he doing? and what does this mean? nothing good can come of this and i am in no position to deal with anymore emotional baggage than what i've got on my plate. everything needs to stay beneath the water, saturated and cemented to the bottom. i cannot handle something like this and he cannot handle someone like me. why are we even here?

a panic starts to build inside me and i know it's time for a swim. i hand edward his sandwich and begin peeling off my clothes, not even bothering to use the locker room and change into my swim uniform. he watches me without a word and i do not look in his direction; i just dive and swim, swim as far down as i can, riding along my own waves by bending and twisting my body to dance with the current. when i reach the base of the pool, i bend my legs and have a seat, instantly relaxed by the cool water and the sound of the water lapping at me. looking up i can still make out edward's messy copper hair and his face; his gaze pierces the water like a bullet, observing me and rendering me uncomfortable. i rotate and turn away from him before closing my eyes and free floating to the surface.

only underneath the water can the outside world and all its people mean nothing to me. even edward in all his glory fades away. everyone is water soluble, everyone is capable of disintegrating before my very eyes.

calm down.

there is no noise, no pressure, no chaos. of all the things that are, water is constant. i need to be like it. i need to be unphased and unscathed. i need to be permeable, penetrable. i need for everything to pass through me harmlessly and without notice.

when i've barely any air i swim to the surface and reemerge with a gasp. edward hasn't moved a bit, only his expression has changed into something unreadable – incomprehensible. i swim over to him and climb out of the pool, breathing harshly but much more relaxed than before. it's then that i notice all of his things have been packed away, returned to his backpack. my cylinder of pringles is sitting beside my pile of clothes, capped. he turns to me and in a flash his index finger is beneath my chin and tilting my head up. it is then that i notice how very tall edward is.

"it wouldn't kill you." he says quietly, his eyes roaming my face. for a second i watch him, drinking me in like a fountain, his finger having brought me mere centimeters from his ripe lips. then i remember myself and everything that comes with that. and then i jerk my head away from him and look at the water. edward chuckles, only it's hollow and there is clearly nothing funny around. i hear him haul on his backpack before standing.

for another moment the room is full. it is edward, the pool and this body of water. then it is just me. and being alone doesn't feel so great anymore.