A/N: I don't want to be the kind of writer who explains the reasoning behind her characters outside of the story. To me, that's an example of being unable to properly display attributes within the storyline. So yes, I see your questions and curiosities and I only hope that I'm capable of properly answering them naturally, within this fanfiction.
SunflowerFran, what would I do without you? *Randy Newman's "You've Got A Friend In Me" starts playing*
Dreaming Awake (Son Lux Remix) – My Brightest Diamond
every scene seems to blend into one another when i wake up in the backseat of edward's car. alice takes my hand but i don't really feel it. i can see edward's lips moving but i don't really hear it. everything is sort of distant and yet strangely clear. like hearing the tiny tinkling of glass in another room. i wonder if something inside me has shattered.
the cullen house is everything i'd imagined from the gossip around the masses; large yet minimal, modern and warm. the architecture is amazing, like something out of a magazine but i can hardly focus on it. i swipe at my eyes as i step into the foyer, stunned by the warmth of colors on the walls and the dim lighting that comes together to create such an intimate atmosphere. i suppose from edward's anecdotes i'd expected something more clinical about the inside of his home, something that could more accurately portray the distant feeling he grew up with – but it's like a giant cottage embedded in saturated brushstrokes of green and moss. creamy amber paint covers the walls of the entrance while the stylish sconces illuminate the glossy finish. looking down at the goldenrod wooden floors, i see that my sneakers are disgustingly out of place. i resist the urge to quietly slip them off and place them at the door and allow alice to tug me further into the house. as we enter the enormous living room i feel my vision and my senses calibrating into a temporary substitution of myself. there are cooler tones in the living room, probably to complement the open concept kitchen. warm browns that harmonize well with crisp white throw pillows and pale blue rugs. the kitchen is mostly stainless steel and sharp corners, but there are blue and brown accents like the kitchen towels and curtains. for a long while, neither of the cullen siblings say anything to me but rather i'm allowed to look around and get comfortable with my surroundings. it's because of this process that i'm able to calm down and draw my attention to piecing together the past hour.
i mean, what the hell just happened? one minute i was finished with edward and alice and now i'm inside their house, gazing at the upholstery on their couches and ottomans. and edward and alice, suddenly aware of the nature of my home life and the hellish reality i've lived with almost everyday since i was born? i'd become so used to the isolation of having told no one that i feel gutted, dizzy. the secret is out and there are a flurry of emotions inside me.
i can hardly look edward or alice in the eye as i set myself down on one of the kitchen stools. i feel a steady heat creeping up my neck, blazing hot and ostentatious. the air is laden with tension and questions. i feel all the things they want to say and it's not making it any better. ah, the most prominent emotion inside me, thick like molasses and coating all my thoughts. shame.
"make yourself at home," edward murmurs before plopping down on the brown leather couch. he fishes around between the cushions for the remote and turns on the large flat screen television elevated on the opposite wall. alice shoots me an award winning smile before sitting beside me and i'm reminded of the discussion edward and i had about her. i can see why upon meeting her, edward thought she was shallow and inconsiderate. i mean, who could smile about something like this? or something like a mother dying of cancer? but alice is trying to infect me with her smile and make contagious her happiness. now that i see it for what it is, i only feel more ashamed and pathetic. i can't find it in me to show even the slightest joy.
"i know bella," she says with a sigh. "i'm not expecting you to give me your best colgate smile right away." instinctively my eyes rest on the television where edward is channel surfing, finding solace in being able to become mindless, if only for a moment. i feel alice watching me, preparing herself for whatever conversation she'd like to initiate, but i maintain focus on the insipid commercials. i know at some point it must be addressed, but i still would like to prolong it for as long as possible. alice seems capable of feeding off the slight and subtle emotions i emanated, because i feel her presence resign itself to watching television with edward and i. she places her elbow on the countertop before resting her head in her hand and i visibly relax.
the air is still and i am still and for a long moment, one that feels hours long, i feel dry and comfortable with that. we lounge and watch several variety show episodes and even though i'm barely paying attention, my mind isn't scrambling for a reprieve from its usual calamity. it isn't until the natural light spilling into the room begins to dim that i once again address my environment.
"where are your parents?" i ask, realizing that they've yet to come home.
"on random days, dad picks mom up from her shop and takes her out to dinner." alice replies, shrugging beside me. i let my eyes rest on edward as i consider that. two parents, eating out together, enjoying civil conversation. it's like stepping foot in a foreign country.
"will they be upset that i'm here?" i wonder aloud, hoping that my presence won't lead to an argument of any kind.
"no, no," alice says, "my mom will want to ask questions though…" her voice trails off towards the end of her sentence and i know alice would like to ask questions too. and why not? i've procrastinated enough. and i will be here all night.
"what do you want to know?" i ask, my eyes still fixed on edward's passive expression as he watches the television. looking closely enough i can tell that he's not actually focused, that his ears are trained on my every word.
"everything," alice breathes. "why is he like that?"
"i don't…know." what a question to ask. i'd never considered reasoning like that. why is charlie the way he is? why is reneé the way she is? it'd always seemed normal for parents to behave that way, to live like a cat and dog. i'd never considered that there was another option, thus i'd never critically thought of their motives.
"does he hit your mom?" edward asks, his eyes hardening, his gaze still locked on the television screen.
"no." i say quickly but even that becomes an unsure answer sitting in my throat. "i'm not home all the time." i amend.
"how long have things been like that?" edward asks. i think back on the earliest memories of my life; birthdays, holidays, flying to florida to be with my grandmother the school year…
"for as long as i can remember," i sigh. alice runs her fingers through her hair, pulling on the obsidian ends as she does and for a moment i can see just how much she resembles her older brother. "but it'll be fine. i'm fine." i don't like the idea of being looked at as though i'm war wounded. "they usually just break plates and scream at each other, i've learned to ignore it." edward turns off the television and turns toward me, placing the remote back in between the plush cushions. he leans forward, setting his elbows on his knees, folding his hands underneath his chin. his eyes flit to alice and squint ever so slightly, like an infinitesimal signal. some kind of communication i've yet to decode.
"bella," alice says in her gravely serious voice, "when i – when we asked you to come with us, we thought the argument between your parents was something that would blow over, you know? like a misunderstanding you'd clarify for us. you were supposed to get some sleep and be away from that while they sorted themselves and came to their senses."
"but from what you're telling us," edward continues, "this is a recurring thing. this is the norm for you. we can't, in good conscience, let you go back to living like that."
"what does that even mean?" i snap, annoyed. "between the two of you, you haven't got two coins to rub together. i'm just supposed to lie around and survive off the kindness of your parents? no thank you."
"either way, when they get home tonight, we'll tell them what's been going on with you." edward says.
"we're telling you to stay because there's no way that they'll want you to go back after hearing about it." alice adds. "just go along with this temporary thing. let us help you –"
"with what?! like your home is perfect? your father cheated on your mother, shouldn't you be the one getting help?" immediately after the words leave my mouth i feel disgusted. edward glares at me, clearly upset with the way i've disrespected her. alice's mouth is glued shut. she's staring at her nails, her thick eyebrows furrowed. i'm horrible. why say something like that to her? when did i become someone capable of talking to another human being like that?
is living in that house turning me into this kind of person? am i becoming my mother and father?
"i'm sorry alice. i'm being a shit friend. i'm really sorry."
"make it up to me by staying." she replies, her voice hard. and with that she gets up off her stool and heads up the elegant wooden staircase situated against the farthest wall of the living room. edward and i watch her back as she retreats and disappears. seconds later we hear the resonating click of a closing bedroom door.
edward rounds on me and i flinch on my stool.
"you have got to stop throwing yourself this fucking pity party," he seethes quietly. his eyes pierce me like jagged shards of emerald. i've never seen him so angry with me. "don't come in here under the impression that we think we're better than you. no one is taking you for a fucking charity case. in fact, we think we're just like you. alice and i went through some tough shit together. she sees that you've got no one, no outlet, and she's extending her hand to you. don't piss on it."
my face flames red and i sit there, a child thoroughly reprimanded. "i'm sorry." slips through my teeth and is answered only with silence. i purse my lips and wish for the heat to pass. i'm burning.
edward sighs. "are you hungry?" he asks, standing. i shake my head. he walks past me to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator, peering inside. "well, it's not like we've got much to eat anyway. esme and dad usually bring food home from wherever they've been." he pulls out a small bowl of fruit and rests his elbows on the countertop across from me while he picks at it. "you should sleep in my room," he says with the utmost nonchalance, "just as a precaution. in case alice smothers you in your sleep." i roll my eyes and lean over, grabbing a purple grape from the bowl.
"how selfless of you to offer me your bed and your protection." i plop the grape into my mouth.
"we'd be sharing the bed of course," edward continues dryly and i nod with sarcastic compliance, "conserving bedsheets and offering each other warmth throughout the chilly night." he bites into a slice of cantaloupe. the juice runs down his chin.
"brilliant thinking."
"i might even go so far as to say we should sleep nak—"
"okay enough." i snap and he laughs in response, his voice echoing in the living room. the front door slams shut. edward wipes his chin on his sleeve and continues eating while i sit, rigid and exposed. his parents are home i'm assuming. what if they don't like me? it feels bizarre to sit, so vulnerable and intrusive. i'm in their home and they haven't invited me in.
interestingly enough, three people walk into the living room instead of two. i recognize mr. and mrs. cullen fairly quickly: edward has bits and pieces of his father's face scattered all over his own. my eyes dart quickly between the two of them as i make lightning fast comparisons. they have the same herculean jaw, the same cupid's bow mouth, the same nose set like a smooth slope. but where edward's eyes are intense, hooded and green, mr. cullen's eyes are deep-set, friendly and shockingly blue.
mrs. cullen is beautiful by any standard. her shiny auburn hair rests at her shoulders in loose curls that frame her classic heart shaped face. her soft hazel eyes rest on me before tilting up, following suit with her mouth to create a warming smile.
not that i haven't seen the cullen parents before. i've watched them show up at diners or mandatory school events but they, like alice and i, lived on the fringes of forks social life, choosing to observe and not partake.
it's the third woman who surprises me most of the bunch. i hadn't laid eyes on her in years. she's still as intensely gorgeous, modelesque with voluminous platinum blond hair and electric blue eyes. she stands tall and cold, like an imported statue brought to life. rosalie cullen's blue eyes widen slightly as they take in my presence and i begin to feel even more absurd in front of her. i'm clearly out of place and in her way, her icy gaze let's me know that immediately.
"what are you doing here?" i flinch and open my mouth before realizing it is edward's voice that rang harsh and clear in the living room. i turn to see him glaring at rosalie while chewing on a grape.
"edward." carlisle says, his voice deep and stern. i quietly take in the dynamic while esme continues to smile at me, her eyes kind but still inquiring. carlisle also turns to me, ignoring the strong tension between his two children. "who is your friend?" internally i take a deep breath and put on my best, most sociable voice.
"i'm bella mr. cullen, chief swan's daughter? alice invited me over for a sleepover."
"and where is alice?" rosalie cuts in, one of her eyebrows raised.
"nevermind that, rose," esme says, stepping forward. "are you hungry bella? we were just about to have dinner." it is then that i notice the large plastic bags hanging from her hands. "we have more than enough for everyone." i glance quickly at edward and let my eyes connect with his. he plops another grape into his mouth, looks at the ceiling and then looks down at his fruit bowl again.
a yes.
"yes mrs. cullen, i'd love some dinner. thank you." rosalie rolls her eyes, clearly upset by my decision to continue taking up space, and then plops down on the couch while simultaneously kicking off her expensive looking shoes. esme walks over to the kitchen and sets the bags down on the countertops before removing large plastic containers. the aroma from the containers wafts into my nostrils and it is then my stomach makes its existence known. when was the last time i'd eaten again? everything smells so nice and fresh…
"bella could you please go upstairs and let alice know we're about to begin dinner?"
"sure thing." i murmur, glad for an excuse to be out of the living room and away from everyone. besides, after my epic fuckup earlier it's only right i apologize to alice one on one so there's no tension between us at the dinner table. i pass carlisle cullen with my eyes glued to the stair railing, nervous in a way that i feel that only edward can notice.
"second door to your right." he calls after me. his snickers follow me up the staircase.
the second floor of the cullen house is just as meticulously beautiful as the first floor. carefully decorated sconces line the walls, sheathed in oddly shaped shades that create a modern yet antiquated aesthetic. the warm colors from the foyer color the walls and the large wooden doors. i knock on the second door to the right of the hallway and wait.
"come in." alice chirps. she doesn't seem upset. i open the door and step in, shutting the door behind me. it takes me a while to rest my eyes on alice because the intricate decorations of her bedroom completely enthrall me. the first thing i take in is the dim lighting of the room and how it works with the dark blue paint of her walls to create a distinct feeling the both of us know too well.
the feeling of being underwater.
there are no overhead light in alice cullen's room. instead there are tiny floor lamps tucked away in the corners of the large space, casting large shadows that drape themselves over her and everything around her. a dark, foresty green rug covers a good portion of the floor, lush and furry, similar to a concoction of seaweed and algae. the north facing window is covered by thick drapes that only allow small amounts of light to peek through. after concluding my visual survey, i look to alice. she pauses her music player and removes her earbuds.
"have you decided to stay?" she asks calmly, stretching on her bed of large green sheets.
"i couldn't bear bringing it up with your parents." i whisper. perhaps it is the oceanic aura of the room that allows me to feel calm and honest. "i don't want to be anyone else's problem." the muscles in my chest begin to constrict as i confront a very painful and suppression emotion. i am a burden to my parents. to their marriage. it is all too often that my presence or my needs as a human beings spurs arguments that last well into the night. i couldn't stomach handicapping anyone else with my residence. alice sits up and folds her legs before tucking them beneath her.
"answer me truthfully bella; do you know edward to be the kind of person to keep quiet about how he feels?" i shake my head. "if he thought you were being any kind of trouble to me or our family he'd have told you to haul your ass right away."
"yes." i agree. but edward does also want entry into my pants. alice reads my mind.
"edward's escapades do not overlap with our lives at home bella. i have no problem admitting that he's a real crowned piece of shit, but i think he's offering you this as a friend. and i know i am. so just let us do this, okay?"
"okay." i acquiesce. "i'm really sorry about what i said earlier, alice. it was terrible of me to throw that in your face." alice waves her hand, dismissing the entire concept.
"i've said worse to people on my good days." i turn to open her bedroom door, satisfied with our encounter, when i remember.
"your mom sent me up here to get your for dinner."
"oh okay, i'll be down in a second. just a few more songs to download before i've completed my playlist." i close the door behind me and begin walking towards the staircase, ruminating. could i really live here for an extended period of time? could i become an extension of their lives; edward and alice? and rosalie cullen. how will things between she and i play out? if she's unhappy about a mere "sleepover" then she'll be miserable at the idea of me temporarily living here. would i bow easily to rosalie cullen? for a time she was infamous around forks for her less than charming personality and somehow i admired her for that. she was not one to sugar coat things and she was unafraid to be the "beautiful girl with the bad attitude". but that doesn't mean i'm willing to have her use that attitude against me. and why was she back anyway? there were tiny snippets of nasty rumors circling her like vultures before she vanished within a fortnight; some lucrative job in seattle (or so i'd heard). was she just back for a visit? or was she making a lengthy temporary stay like me? i get to the edge of the staircase when i hear the fragments of a conversation between edward and esme.
"she's different how?" edward says, chuckling darkly. "you don't even know her."
"well, for one, she's not fawning all over you." esme replies. "it's a relief to see that you haven't brought one of your unfortunate admirers over." i hear the tinkling of ceramic plates and begin to descend down the stairs. eavesdroppers never hear good news. rosalie is seated with her back to me; she's found the remote and is channel surfing with her father lounging beside her.
"she's different in another way edward," rosalie says, her voice like dry ice. "she's clearly as fucked up as you are."