Immature – Björk
it is alice who wakes me up from my deep slumber, her voice soft and regretful. something about being late, something about having already missed first period. i roll over and wave her away with my hand just before my mind registers her words.
"what?" i blink through my sleep at the clock beside me, for confirmation of this outrageous truth. "what?!"
"we all overslept, imagine that." she says sheepishly. my eyes dart to her as i climb out of bed, steadying myself on the nearest bedpost. she hands me a bundle of clothes, which i gratefully accept before searching for my toothbrush.
"edward?" i ask, already headed for the bathroom.
"getting ready as we speak. he'll beat us to the car, don't worry." good, i'd hate to have to wait on what i can only assume must be a grueling primping routine. "about the clothes i handed you bella—"
"what about them?" she follows me into the bathroom, biting her lips as i set the clothes out on the sink counter. "wait a second." the top she's given me is decent, a deep brown long sleeved blouse with a modest v-neck, but the bottoms? "there's no way in hell i'm wearing this."
"i haven't even chosen what i'm going to wear okay? we're getting close to laundry day. and rosalie would sooner leave the country than give you any of her clothes."
"then give me something out of esme's closet!"
"bella!" alice gasps in disgust, her horror palpable. "mom jeans?" she shakes her head like she's ridding the image from her body before holding the impossibly short skirt against my stomach. "you have hips and ridiculously long legs, i only have so much to offer you. if you're that against it, i could go into edward's closet and find something…" why, so everyone can assume i'm his latest conquest? i snatch the skirt from her with an expression that probably looks like i've sucked a lemon. "it should button if you pull it high enough." she whispers, shrinking under my glare. "i'll see you in the car."
i hold the skirt up to my eyes and groan. it's short and expensive looking, carefully dyed dark denim with intricate stitching and brown buttons going down the middle. very alice and very unlike me but it'll have to do until i'm able to pick up clothes from home. i brush my teeth and my hair, wishing i had time to shower. i haven't been to school dry in such a long time that the thought distresses me. my skin is taut and unyielding, my hair slipping out of places i've tucked it (like behind my ears). by the time i reach the volvo i'm agitated and ready to go back inside the house.
"i didn't see anyone on my way out," i remark from the backseat while edward puts the car into reverse. he twists around in his seat to gauge his acceleration but stops short when his eyes land on my naked thighs. i brace myself, already blushing.
"new wardrobe?" he quietly asks, returning his attention to the road. i pretend i'm not partial to the way his hands tighten on the steering wheel.
"i had to give her something to wear until you and dad take her to pick up her things." alice replies and i'm grateful because i don't have any charming witticisms in my arsenal today. i'm nervous – about my short skirt and my dry hair and my angry parents who will surely be waiting with their hackles raised this afternoon. the relaxingly chimerical swim of last night only feels now like something i imagined years ago. "dad went to work and mom is probably already in town. rosalie is probably still asleep."
"what does your mom do in town?"
"volunteer work, grocery shopping. i suppose now that rose is here she'll buy even more food."
"so you gave her a miniskirt?" he asks through his teeth, ignoring our conversation. "why not a pair of sweats?"
"because i'm a whole foot shorter than her, in case you haven't noticed. unless you want her to show up looking like she's prepared for a flood." alice grabs that all too familiar brown bag off the dashboard and pulls out a hot bran muffin. edward opens his mouth to answer her but alice is faster; she presses the muffin to his teeth, encouraging him to take a bite.
"if you two are done talking about me like i'm not here, i'd like some coffee and a bagel." alice takes edward's coffee cup from the holder and passes it to me, along with the brown bag. i take a sip first, relishing in the perfect mixture of coffee and cream. i sigh before taking a rather large gulp.
"don't mind alice," edward says after swallowing his mouthful. "she's a little more than thrilled to have a real life barbie doll to play with." i see her lids narrow around the whites of her eyes and take another gulp.
"and don't mind edward. he's just worried that if you dress a little nicer than usual, other men might see you for the beautiful girl you are." christ. i grab a bagel from the bag and make quick work of it, biting the edges while looking out the window, attempting to ignore the small skirmish taking place inside the car. "and god forbid that should happen, right edward? because if you have competition, well…" she sneers. "you might not measure up."
"enough." he snarls, his arms tense like cable wires pulled and wrapped in flesh. alice seems satisfied with the tone of his reply and returns to eating her muffin.
"just saying." she finishes lamely before turning on the radio. edward says nothing the entire drive but the lower half of his face moves like he's grinding the bones in his jaw. it leaves me feeling stressed and so i too sit in silence, contemplating how today will unfold before me. charlie most likely threw another tantrum after i'd left yesterday, baiting reneé with insults about how it's her fault that i'm just like her – bait she most likely fell for. does he expect for me to come home today? or maybe the two of them were hoping i'd just never return, hoping i'd become the memory of a cross they'd had to bear. and carlisle. what would carlisle think of my parents, what would he even think about my house? i can't help but feel a little inadequate at the thought of carlisle cullen, doctor and well respected forks citizen, standing beside my creaky wooden staircase or my torn, tired leather living room couch or worse – standing before charlie after he's unbuckled his work belt and had his afternoon beers. but then again… carlisle is no saint and i wonder about that as well. what has he experienced and how will that affect what he takes away from bringing me to my home? what if he decides that it's fine that i return, especially after he considers the influence i could have on alice and edward? what if he decides that absolutely none of this is worth the trouble and drops me and this fucked up situation all together? what if he forces his kids to do the same?
i must be prepared to be on my own. all over again.
edward drives into the forks high school parking lot and i check the time on the dashboard. we've already missed first period and second period cannot be salvaged. the only thing to do is to be early for third period. i gulp the last dregs of edward's coffee and stuff the brown bag into my backpack in case i get hungry later. alice is out of the car before edward can finish parking, humming a song from the radio, her eyes glued to her phone. i watch her back recede from view, wondering just what kind of shadow she is of her former self.
edward and i exit the car at the same time. he takes one protracted look at me and curses under his breath.
"let me walk you to class." he says but from his tone i can tell there's no room for protest. i draw my backpack over my shoulder and make my way to the main entrance. he easily keeps pace. "try not to worry too much today. my dad has superior mediation skills. everything should work out fine."
"i'm not worried." i lie while i absorb the relief his words inspire. he rolls his eyes but doesn't call my bluff, opting instead to run his hand down my hair. i'm reluctantly soothed by the contact.
"what class do you have?"
"european history. with conwell. where is alice going?"
"she's got music next, she's probably headed to the arts building." he scowls at the thought of her.
"you two had better settle this by the end of the day," i grumble. "i don't need the extra stress."
"she'll cool down. by the afternoon it'll be as if we'd never fought."
the hallways are silent and empty, but not for long. i hurry to my locker and take out some books for class while edward idles behind me. looking at the lazy handwriting of my history notebook gives me a thought.
"last night you were writing in a black book." i keep my eyes on my locker, pretending as though i'm still searching for more relevant notes.
"yes." he responds. i don't need to look at his face to know his expression is guarded.
"what were you writing about?" i close my locker and round on him, holding my books to my chest. his eyes flicker to my legs as i cross them.
"i don't really know how to talk about that." he replies, scratching the back of his head. the bell rings and students pour into the hallways like water through a broken dam. "i write about everything. or sometimes nothing in particular." people around us start to register our presence and thus, they begin to stare. a couple of guys walking in our direction whistle but make no eye contact as they pass edward, who glares daggers into their backs. i lose my train of thought worrying about all the pairs of eyes flitting between he and i, and i hurry down the hallway to class.
"i'll see you at lunch." i call over my shoulder. several people stop and stare at me like i've just sprouted horns. i sweep my hair over my shoulder and hide my face, grateful that edward doesn't follow after me.
all of my classes up until lunch feature whispers about edward and i. people seem to have noticed our lateness and my short skirt and have drawn their own conclusions about what might've transpired between us. i'm disgusted. boys who haven't spoken to me all year were now asking to borrow pencils and erasers, trying to make small talk. i ignore them. girls who had barely enrolled me on their radars this year were now all too curious about me, like i was a newly discovered bipedal animal. i ignore them too. disgusted, nervous, high strung… not to mention sleepy. i'm plagued by the plethora of emotions sloshing around inside me up until the lunch bell rings. up until my mind and body become aware that it is time to see edward. pathetic, i berate myself as i walk to the pool gymnasium. i was growing too comfortable and too reliant on edward and his meddling. only a few days ago i was actively avoiding or insulting him. when i open the gym door, edward is waiting patiently by the pool. his eyes light up as i walk over to him.
"don't expect this to become a regular thing." i warn him as i sit beside him, pulling the brown bag of goodies out of backpack. he holds his hands up in quiet surrender before pulling out a brown bag of his own.
"one could only dream." lightning fast, he swaps our bags, and takes out a bagel to eat. curious, i open the bag he's brought.
"another sandwich." i assume from the shape of the wrapped object and he hums in affirmation. "what kind is it this time?"
"smoked turkey breast with pepper jack cheese, lettuce and tomato between—" he leans closer, surveying the unwrapped sandwich, "—rye." i take a large bite and give him a close lipped smile. we eat in silence for a moment and it's pleasant. the water casts its reflection over the entire room, submerging us within our own underwater world. here there's chlorine and dim lighting and delicious sandwiches.
"now," i say after i've swallowed, "alice said we all overslept this morning so i know you didn't make this. who makes your sandwiches for you?" his eyes dart away from mine.
"esme."
"ah." i take another bite while i play around with the thought. he watches me carefully. "the indifferent stepmother makes you sandwiches every morning? that kind of contradicts the picture you painted for me earlier this week."
"it's complicated—"
"of course."
"—and i won't act as though i'm blameless. but things have been getting better between us." i'm happy to hear that, though i'd rather he not know how invested i've become in his fortune.
"well i wish she'd make sandwiches for me," i say as i consume the last few bites.
"i'll let her know you like them." edward dusts a few crumbs from the corners of my mouth, quickly and without permission. i smack his hands away and glare at him but, with a burning knot in my stomach, i lean forward and do the same. he closes his eyes and smiles, allowing me to stare for just a few seconds more. "a man could get used to this." he sighs before pulling a bottle of soda from his backpack. i take it from it and open it quickly, gulping some down to cool the blush creeping up my neck.
"i'm only here for the sandwiches," i confess, laughing at his sarcastic sadness. i pass him his soda and watch the way his adam's apple bobs as he takes large gulps, his head tilted back, his glorious neck exposed. i'm thirsty again. dry. i need to go for a swim. "besides, i would hate for your various fans to see you looking anything less than your best."
"oh you don't need to worry about them. you should worry about your fans." he laughs at my scowl. "yes, i think i heard a few boys working up the courage to ask you out on my way here. i might have stopped to give them a few pointers." my scowl deepens into an embarrassed glare before i remember what alice said in the car.
"or you might have stopped to sabotaged them. i mean, aren't you worried you won't quite measure up to the competition?" the laughter dies from his face and his serious expression becomes contagious. for a moment, i consider just how royally i might have fucked this up. he was clearly angry when alice said it to him, how idiotic was it for me to repeat it to him? his green eyes darken almost imperceptibly as he leans forward. and then he comes closer. and then he's so close that i feel like prey frozen beneath the gaze of a predator, hoping that my death is quick and relatively painless. i blink slowly, trying to calm down and regain control of my heartrate. he looks unamused. i open my mouth to apologize but his eyes flit to my lips, forcing me to close them again. slowly, he looks me in the eye and exhales. his breath smells sweet, like blueberries.
"i assure you," he whispers, "i'm up for any competition." he threatens to come even closer and i lean back onto my hands so that our lips don't touch. even though that might not be such a bad idea. even though my lips and face and body are burning at the thought. i suck in a breath, waiting for him to say something else, but he slowly retreats, chuckling the entire time. i have to wait a few moments before i can speak confidently and even then my voice is weak.
"okay." i'm unsure of how to continue the conversation and so i am grateful when the bell for the next class rings. he stands up first before holding out his hand, smirking as i ignore it and struggle to my feet. i grab my trash and sling my backpack over my shoulder, awkward and, though i'd sooner die than let anyone know, aroused. "i'll see you later edward." i really should have snuck a quick swim before biology.
"you can send all your suitors my way, bella swan." he calls after me, and i force myself not to look back at what must be the most smug expression in all of washington state.