Episode 6.8
Loss of Innocence
by Karen

Author's Notes: The song is "I Miss My Friend" by Darryl Worley.

"Faith," Angel beckoned her when she entered the kitchen late one morning a few days after they moved back into the hotel. She had been leaving for patrol each day before sunset, and not getting back until dawn, trying to stay away from Spike and the confusion he brought.

"What?" she asked, going over to him and where he was scrambling some eggs.

"Could you go check on Jade for me? She came down about an hour ago, but then she turned pale and ran out of the room, and I haven't seen her since."

"Do you think she's sick?" Faith asked, going to the fridge and getting an apple.

"I don't know. She…"

"What?" Faith asked, looking at him, biting into her apple.

He sighed, "She just feels off to me, something I can't quite put my fingers on, but there's something there, under the skin that I can't pinpoint."

"You're worried about her," Faith accused.

"She's apart of this team, and it's my job to worry about the team, so yes, I am worried about her."

"You worry too much," Faith said over her shoulder as she left the kitchen. She went up the stairs two at a time, and stopped outside Jade's closed door, knocking softly. She waited a moment, but there was no answer. "Jade?" she called through the door, knocking once more. There still was no answer, so she tried to knob, which twisted easily in her hand. She pushed to door open a fraction, "Jade? Are you there? It's Faith." There was no answer, so she pushed to door open, and stepped inside. She closed the door softly behind her, traveling to the center of the room. Jade was nowhere to be found. The bed was made, and all of the windows were closed, so she hadn't run off, at least from the look of the room.

The noise of someone being sick came through the partially open bathroom door, and Faith started forward, pushing the door open as she asked, "Jade?"

The girl was on her knees in front of the toilet, being violently sick. Faith stared a moment, before grabbing a washcloth from the rack and wet it in the sink, before kneeling beside Jade, pulling her blonde hair from her face and wiping the washcloth against the girl's forehead. Instinctively she rubbed the girl's back, not shirking away from her as she heaved into the bowl.

After a few moments, Jade pushed herself away from the bowl, and Faith gave her space. "Thanks," Jade said roughly.

"No problem," Faith said, going to the sink and getting a cup of water so Jade could rinse her mouth, "How are you feeling?"

"Better, for now. It'll come back, it always does."

"How long have you felt like this?" Faith asked. She had the strange urge to check the girl's forehead for a fever, but she suppressed the urge. She wasn't this girl's mother, she was a friend, if that.

"A couple days now. A few days before we moved here," she lied, knowing she hadn't felt good since she had first joined the group, but it had definitely gotten worse. "It goes away and comes back, it's nothing big."

"Puking your guts out is a big deal," Faith said. "Can you think of any reason why you've been sick?"

She shook her head, "I feel much better now. I was planning on going out and looking for Luke today."

"No way, you should stay in bed," Faith argued.

"No way. I feel fine now. I need to find Luke before something happens to him."

"I'm sure he's fine."

"Have you ever cared about someone?" Jade asked suddenly, "Cared about someone so much that it hurt to see them in pain? All you wanted was for them to be happy, even though you couldn't provide what it took to make them happy?"

Faith nodded, thinking about her past, "Yeah."

"Well, Luke is like that. I'm the only one he has to keep him safe, protect him, make sure he doesn't get into trouble. No one else cares about him except me. I have to find him." She glared at Faith a moment, before leaving the room.

"Need any help?" Faith asked as she fell in beside Jade as they walked towards the stairs.

"Thanks," she said quietly.

An hour later they were walking along the street, heading towards the orphanage Jade and her brother had called home for the past ten years. Faith whistled when she saw the damage done to the building. As they had canvassed the city, they had found that the majority of the buildings had escaped the brunt of whatever had happened that night, but this building had been demolished. They had found a few buildings that had the same or more damage done to them, but those had been businesses, magic shops or other such fronts. They had figured out that the damage was done systematically; the demons had been searching for something. But why would they destroy an orphanage? What could they possibly want with a bunch of parentless kids? The other question was, had they found it?

They searched through the wreckage, and they found about fifteen small bodies, of which Jade cried over every single one, and Faith had to stop herself from crying at the thought of all the potential lost, all the lives lost so heinously. As Jade carried the most recently found body from the wreckage, a girl that looked to be no older than three, Faith looked over the assembly, and realized they couldn't leave them there.

"I'll be right back," Faith said as Jade set the tiny girl down on the ground, bending over the child, her shoulders shaking.

"I need your help," Faith said once she was about fifteen feet away from Jade, and someone had answered her call.

"How'd you get this number?" the voice asked.

"Lucky guess," she shrugged, knowing he couldn't see her. "Are you going to help me or not?" she said.

She heard a sigh, "One condition."

"I'm listening."

Twenty minutes later, two trucks slowed about twenty feet from the orphanage. When she looked up, Faith saw the pine boxes each truck was loaded down with, all no larger than four feet long.

Faith climbed over the rubble and met Riley as he and the men he brought disembarked. "Thanks," she said at last, as she felt a slight burden lifted from her shoulders.

"This isn't charity," Riley said. "We've got government permission to bury bodies in Griffith Park, off of Vista Del Valle Drive. I've got three men out there now digging graves."

She nodded, "So far there are fifteen-"

"NO!" the scream pierced the air, and everyone turned to look as a wordless scream echoed through the air, punctuated by sobs.

Faith took off over the rubble, using her agility to make it to the girl as fast as she possibly could. She heard someone behind her, much clumsier than she was, put she put the smugness out of her mind when she saw Jade rocking back and forth, a boy clutched to her chest. The wail slowly died out as Jade started singing to her brother, her voice hoarse, broken by sobs.

"…I miss my friend.

The one my heart and soul
Confided in,
The one I felt the safest with,
The one who knew just what to say...
To make me laugh again,
And let the light back in...
I miss my friend...

I miss the colors,
That you brought into my life.
Your golden smile...
Those blue-green eyes.
And I miss your gentle voice,
In lonely times like now,
Sayin' "It'll be alright."
I miss my friend."

As she sang in a soft, clear voice, she ran her fingers through her brother's hair, ran her fingers over his cheeks, wiping away the tears that had fallen on his face.

"Jade, Jade," Faith said, wrapping the girl in her arms.

"Get away form me!" she yelled at Faith. "I-I changed his diapers! I comforted him after he had a bad dream! I let him follow me around when he didn't have any friends. I was his mother, his sister, his best friend!" she yelled. "He was my life!" she sobbed, clutching her brother.

"Jade, you can't save him now," Faith said quietly, trying to block the girl from Riley's gaze, not trusting him with this type of thing. She didn't even trust herself.

"Get away from me!" she yelled.

"Jade, there's nothing you can do for him now, but go on with your life. That's what he would want you to do!" Faith said, trying to get through to the girl.

The girl continued sobbing for a long, long time, before she quieted, at which time Faith was able to pry her hands off the body and pick her up, carrying her out of the rubble and into one of the trucks. Finally the work got started, and the guys Riley had brought with him started systematically clearing the rubble and taking it apart as Faith sat with Jade in the car, her heart sore for the girl who had lost the last of her family.

Riley got into the driver's side of the vehicle, "I'll drive you home," he said, and she nodded. Before she knew it, he pulled up in front of the old hotel-though she hadn't given him an address- and she was helping Jade out. "I'll be in touch," Riley said, before driving off.

Angel and Spike were in the main entranceway when they entered, but Faith just shook her head at them as she led Jade up to her room. Once the girl was settled, Faith knew it was time to face the music, so she headed back down to the lobby, knowing both Angel and Spike would be there.

"What's going on?" Angel and Spike asked at once. They glared at each other, and then Spike continued, "You smell like Army Boy."

Faith raised her eyebrows, to show that the comment was not accepted well, "Jade wanted help finding her brother, so we went back to the orphanage, and we found him." Her tone of voice made it clear. "I called Riley because we couldn't take care of it ourselves. We had found fifteen bodies before I called them, and we left before any more were found, who knows how many children met their end in that orphanage," she said, swallowing back her tears, "Who knows how many lives were lost? How many destinies won't be completed because of what we did?" She shook her head, "I've got to go," she turned and headed towards her room at a fast clip.

Angel and Spike glared at each other, before Spike took off after Faith. She was already in her room when he got there, and when he knocked she told him in no uncertain terms to leave her alone.

"Faith," he said, leaning against the door, "I just want to talk to you," he told her.

"Go away!" he heard something in her voice that concerned him, so he twisted the knob on her door and let himself in. "I-I said go away!" Faith yelled at him, turning away from him, but not in time for him to not see the tears running down her face.

"Faith," he said, approaching her.

"I'm warning you, leave me alone, o-or I'll-"

"You're in no condition to be making threats," he told her. Hew pulled her to him, and though she fought him, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight. "It's okay to cry, Faith. It's okay to feel emotions."

"No it's not. I-I'm the slayer, I'm supposed to be strong."

"Do you think that Buffy hasn't cried before?" he asked.

"No," she said quietly, "This isn't a comparison between B and I, Spike, I know you slept with her."

"That's not what this is about, this is about you feeling grief over people you don't know. And that's okay. It's okay to cry."

"Easy for you to say!" she exploded at him, pushing him away from her, "You're not the one that cries herself to sleep every night! You're not the one that has nightmares about those girls that came to help us, and ended up dead! You're not the one that worries about the slayers here, Sarah, and Briana and Jade, you don't worry constantly about their safety! About whether or not they're going to make it to see tomorrow!"

"You're wrong, luv, I may not cry myself to sleep, but that's because I don't sleep for fear of the nightmares. Guilt and grief each hit each one of us a bit differently, but that doesn't mean we don't feel it."

"I-I'm sorry Spike, it's just…" she shook her head, the tears coming again, "How can we fool ourselves we're doing good if so many innocent lives have been lost?" she asked. This time, when he took her into his arms, she didn't fight it. He held her while she cried.

---

It was two days after they had cleared the wreckage of the orphanage. Faith, Jade, Connor, and Riley stood beside the open grave as a preacher read a passage from the bible. Once he was done, Jade placed a rose on her brother's casket, and watched as it was lowered into the ground. Faith had tried to talk her into not staying but she wouldn't be deterred.

As she stood by her brother's grave, Faith and Connor discretely left, and Riley followed. He pulled Faith back, and she looked up at him, her eyes red and puffy. "We have a deal," he told her.

"I haven't forgotten."

"You'd better not."

.END.