Episode 6.13:
Anything But What We Want
By Rebecca and Karen

Angel staggered as Buffy's full weight was thrown upon him, her lips attaching to his. Not that he was complaining. He was more than happy to wrap his arms around her petite body, drawing her as close as possible, losing himself in the kiss. As the seconds passed quickly and turned into minutes, the kiss slowly ended. As they pulled away Buffy, panting heavily, said, "Hi." Tears were still running amply down her face.

Angel slowly wiped them away with his hands, "You okay?" he asked softly.

"It's nothing, just nothing," Buffy answered. Pulling away and sitting on the bed she put her hand to her head and fell back in exhaustion, "God, do you know how long it's been since I've really slept?"

"I'm guessing a really long time," he laughed softly. It'd been a long time since he'd laughed. "Buffy what's going on with you?" Angel said quietly as he leaned against the wall on the other side of the room.

"Angel just don't worry about it," Buffy said, exasperated. She closed her eyes for a moment and just savored the feeling of having him near again. Every fiber of her being hummed in recognition, after all this time she still knew when he was in the room.

Angel grew quiet. He pushed himself off the wall and walked to the door, "You go to sleep. I have some things to do downstairs." He looked back when she didn't answer. He smiled when he realized that she had passed out on his bed. Shaking his head in amusement he went out the door, closing it softly behind him. He slowly made his way down the staircase. As he reached the training area he saw a girl standing in the middle of the room with the others around her. Her long black hair hung down her back in loose ringlets and her olive skin was covered in a silky sheen of sweat. "Who are you?"

The girl turned and her eyes held a questioning glance, "Are you Angel?"

"Yes that's the bloody poof," Spike said, leaning against the wall, his eye black and his nose bleeding.

"Hi, I'm Alyson, I suppose Buffy told you about me?" Alyson said extending her hand for a handshake. She spoke with a slight lilt in her voice that came from years of living in Houston.

"No she didn't. So I guess you're a slayer…" Angel said.

"Yeah…" she said, smiling brightly, "You know you have a nest out there?" She pointed behind her. "I kinda just got here. Spike showed me in and apparently I'm here to help you I guess. Though I'm not quite sure on all the specifics, but could you just tell me where I'm going to sleep. I'm kinda tired."

"Umm yeah. Briana can you show her a room?" Angel asked. He was still trying to process everything. "Wait, why did they send you here?"

Alyson shrugged, "Why don't you ask Buffy 'cause honestly all I do is show up where people tell me to. Doesn't mean I like it, but I have a duty to perform so what can I do?" She smiled resignedly.

"I'm Bri," Briana said, waving in recognition. "I saw you training with Buffy sometimes, but we never talked." She gestured for her to follow.

Alyson fell into step beside the younger girl, "Yeah I remember you, you used to always get in trouble for talking too much." She laughed, "And it's not surprising that we never talked, I mean there are two hundred plus girls there, it's hard to know everybody."

"Very true," Briana said, laughing. "You'll like it here. It's never boring."

"Thank God for that. Girl needs some excitement in her life after a year of training," Alyson said.

"I know, right?" Briana said as they approached the door to a room. "Here it is," she said, "My room is right over there," she said pointing to the door across the hall. Smiling brightly she headed back to the training room.

"Thanks hon." Alyson waved good-bye to Briana and dropped her massive duffel bag. Opening it she took out a picture of her two half sisters, McKennan and Laura, and put it on the dresser next to the bed. She looked at their smiling faces and felt a pain of longing. Alyson quickly pushed the feeling away, that wasn't her life anymore and they were safe, taking care of each other, without her. Sighing she fell on the bed and promptly fell asleep

--

"You're a bloody idiot Peaches," Spike said as he wiped the blood from his nose. "You've got a beautiful girl up there who bloody loves you and you're down here being all broody."

"Shut up Spike," Angel said quietly.

"What? Hitting a little too close to home am I?" Spike spit tauntingly as he circled them, "Jealous 'cause I got a pair?"

"Jealous cause Buffy doesn't love you?" Angel spat.

Spike laughed and shook his head, "Nah I've got something better right here." He put his arm around Faith and kissed her. "I'm great."

"Shut up Spike," Angel repeated.

"No I'm tired of shutting up. I think I'll keep talking." He cupped his hand around his ear, "What's that?" He seemed to be straining to hear something, "I'm talking! What a miracle! Angel said something and it didn't happen. I guess he isn't such a big bad after all. No he's just a harmless fanged puppy, but I'm pretty sure the fangs have gone soft so just a harmless puppy then. Poor puppy did they neuter you? Can't sniff the other dog's butts anymore?"

Angel strode over to Spike so that he was standing in his face, "Shut up, Spike." He was losing his patience, actually he'd lost his patience around the puppy bit. Forgetting any notion of leniency he had he drew his hand back and punched Spike square in the mouth.

Spike's head snapped back as his lip busted, causing blood to run down his face. He quickly wiped it away as he vamped out, launching himself at Angel. He tackled him and sat on his chest while he vigorously punched his face, "I could of lost my bloody teeth with that punch you just pulled. Are you trying to ruin my looks? Don't be jealous because I'm more dashing than you mate. Wha-" Spike felt hands wrap around his arms and drag him away from Angel, "Bloody hell Faith, we were just having a little fun."

"Fun isn't exactly what I'd call it," Faith answered wryly, still restraining him.

Spike struggled against her grip unsuccessfully, "You know Slayer, if you're into this kinda thing I got handcuffs up in the room."

"Yeah, big boy, we can try that later. I ain't doing nothing til you've cleaned up," Faith said leading him out of the room.

"Hmm, and this cleaning up, will it involve you and soap?" Spike asked looking behind him at Faith's face.

Faith smiled and laughed, "Only if you're lucky."

Spike turned and his face hit the wall, "Bloody Hell Faith, are you trying to kill me?"

"No, that was your fault," Faith said, trying to propel him to the door.

"How was that my fault?" Spike asked as they exited the training area; the others heard them bickering as they made their way to their rooms.

"Dad, are you okay?" Connor asked quietly. His eyes danced in amusement at what had just occurred.

Gunn walked over and clapped Angel on the back, "He's fine, he just got his ass kicked. Right Angel?" Angel narrowed his eyes at Gunn and growled. Gunn slowly backed away and said, "Guess not."

As Angel stalked out of the room Sarah looked from Gunn to Connor to Briana, "Can't they just grow up? I mean, they always do this. It's immature."

"Yeah, but entertaining," Connor said, looking on the bright side.

"How is that entertaining? They are behaving like complete animals, not like the grown men they are supposed to be," Sarah said looking at him with raised eyebrows. She had long ago stopped thinking of them as vampires.

Briana looked at her and rolled her eyes, frankly she was getting tired of all this prim and properness. "Okay then I'm going to bed." She turned on her heel and sighed. She wasn't getting tired of Sarah's behavior, she was just tired of Sarah. "'Night."

Gunn looked around and after a long silence he said, "Well then there you go. I'm going to bed." He looked back at Connor and Sarah and nodded his head in acknowledgement.

"So I guess I'll be going now," Connor said, shuffling his feet, but making no intention of going.

"Goodnight," Sarah said as she walked away. "Connor," she said turning around.

"Yeah?" Connor asked hopefully.

"You don't think I'm too uptight do you?" she said as she walked toward him.

"Of course," Connor said.

"Thanks," Sarah said, hanging her head resignedly. She headed off to bed, leaving Connor alone in the training area.

"Damn it," Connor said kicking the wall.

"You have no idea how to read women do you?" Angel asked wryly from the doorway. He had been outside checking out the now extinguished vampire's nest and happened to hear Sarah talking to Connor as he reentered the basement.

Connor looked at him and scowled, "Shut up."

"Fine I was just going to give you some advice," Angel said as he walked to the punching bag and began to box with it.

"Well I don't need your advice. I've had plenty of girlfriends thank you and I'm doing just fine now," Connor replied, his face turning red.

"Okay then," Angel replied as Connor left the room. He began to hit the punching bag furiously venting all his frustrations about Buffy and Spike and Connor and this new slayer. Everything seemed to be going any way but the way he wanted it. In his imaginary world Spike would be gagged at all times and Buffy would be his wife and there would be no demons or slayers. But that wasn't his world. It wasn't their world and it never would be. He punched the bag harder and harder. Finally he stopped and slid down the wall. He put his hands on his knees and hung his head.

"You look about the same way I feel after work," a voice said from the entrance.

Angel looked up. Buffy stood there with two cups of coffee, "Want to join me?"

"Yeah," Angel said as he got up and walked to the lobby. "I thought you were asleep."

Buffy laughed harshly, "Yeah me and sleep…we're not so good friends."

"Why?" Angel asked sipping the coffee. He couldn't really taste it but he drank it out of courtesy.

Buffy looked at the mug and realized her mistake, "Oh my god! Angel I'm so sorry. I'll go get you some blood."

Angel smiled appreciatively and watched her as she disappeared into the kitchen. When she came back he smiled and took the cup, "Thanks. So about the sleeping…"

"Yeah, acute insomnia. Comes in handy I guess. Really sucks though, I mean I never really get a break from life. The only way I sleep is if I get a sedative… and me and drugs don't like each other. I don't want to make my body do anything it doesn't want to do. So how are the girl's adjusting?" she asked quickly, changing the course of conversation.

"I think they're doing okay. I mean Briana talks a bit much and Sarah's a little too proper, but I think they're doing great. Jade just doesn't talk much, she's quiet," Angel replied as he sipped the blood.

"Yeah, there's another slayer coming, her name's Alyson. She's really good, I should know I trained her myself," Buffy said slowly.

"Yeah I met her. Thanks for warning me," Angel said smiling slightly.

"What was there to warn about? You're a bit in over your head here," Buffy said sipping her coffee slowly.

"Yeah, but you still could've warned me…what if I'd tried to kill her?" Angel asked.

Buffy raised her eyebrow and smiled, "You know you wouldn't've."

"But still," Angel replied.

She looked at him, her eyes haunted, "What happened to you? The Angel I knew never would have joked about killing anybody, much less a slayer."

He sighed, "Let's just say I've changed, we both have." She turned away from him so he wouldn't see the pain on her face, but he did. He saw past the mask she wore to the pain and the exhaustion, and he hated what he saw there. "You should really try to get some sleep."

"I've tried," she turned back to him, her face contorted in anger and frustration. "Nothing works!" she told him, lied to him. Something did work, when she fell asleep in someone's arms, and in her sleep depravity she convinced herself it was his arms. But she wouldn't tell him that, she hadn't done that in months.

"Please, try again. For me," he saw a flicker of hope in her eyes, there just a fraction of a second, gone so fast he thought he had imagined it, "It's late," he told her, "Alyson's in our guest room, so you can sleep in my bed."

"Where will you sleep?" she asked.

"Don't worry about me. I'm more worried about you. I sleep just fine, like the dead, I've been told," the hints of a smile turned up the edges of his lips, but when she didn't smile, he let it slip away. "Come on," he said quietly, taking hold of her arm and leading her towards his room. It startled him that she didn't fight back; she followed him, completely docile, demure, words he had never before thought of in context of the brilliant, vibrant blonde next to him. In that moment, he hated that he had been right, they had both changed.

Once they made it to his room, he dug through his dresser to find her suitable clothing for bed. He hadn't seen a bag when she had come in, but then he hadn't been focusing on more than just her. Even now, as he pulled out one of his white t-shirts, he couldn't help but imagine her in the cotton shirt, it being long, probably falling at least halfway to her knees, not wearing a bra…

He quickly shook the images of her from his mind, knowing they were headed towards a place he could not afford them to go. There was no doubt in his mind that he didn't still love her, that his body didn't react to her nearness. But now, more so than ever before, he knew he couldn't think like that, because thinking like that would lead them to a place they couldn't go, even if his soul wasn't a problem, because he would never take advantage of her. And catching a quick glimpse of her out of the corner of his eye, swaying, half asleep on her feet, he knew that's what it would be, if he even touched her, he would be taking advantage of her.

Silently he handed her the t-shirt, pointing towards the bathroom. Within minutes, he heard the shower running, and he sat down in a chair with a sigh, biting his lip. He couldn't help but think that Buffy was in his shower, naked. If he didn't find something else to think about, he just might find himself in there with her…

Shaking himself, he reached into his bedside table, where he kept his worse for wear sketch pad and a pencil. Before he knew it, he lost himself in his drawing, a scene he found in his mind many times, from the day that never was, Buffy, asleep in his large bed, with sun streaming through the high window to highlight her hair.

He was so engrossed in his drawing that he jumped when a hand gently placed itself on his shoulder. "B-Buffy!" he said, startled, sounding like a child caught doing something he wasn't supposed to.

"That's really good. I forgot that you could…" a flash of pain marred her pretty features for a second before she locked it away, and he wanted to kill himself for getting caught, for causing her to remember those dark months after her birthday…

She walked away from him giving herself time to recompose herself after seeing how lovingly he gazed at her image on the page he had been caressing with his pencil. She climbed into the large bed as she heard him behind her, putting the sketchpad in a drawer. Finally ready to face him, she sat in the middle of the large bed, the covers tucked over her lap.

He looked up at her, dwarfed by the bed, looking so much paler than he remembered her. He looked at her a moment, mourning the girl she had once been. Then he smiled at her, hoping to see some sort of smile grace her face, but it didn't, "Lie down," he told her softly, and she complied. He bent over the bed and tucked the blanket over her shoulders, and impulsively kissed her forehead, "Get some sleep."

He turned away, and he could hear her sitting up, shedding the covers, "Angel," she started, and he turned back to her.

"I'm not going anywhere," he told her, instinctively knowing her fears.

She bit her lip, "Stay with me? Just until I fall asleep?" she asked, and he nodded without thinking, turning to switch off the light. He slipped off his shoes without untying them like he always did before climbing onto the bed and taking her into his arms. She snuggled into him and yawned, soon slipping off to sleep as he watched her in the darkness. As she fell asleep, she wrapped an arm loosely around his waist, and smiled. As if he'd be able to tear himself away from this, he thought as he watched her sleep.

But a tiny voice inside his head told him this wouldn't last, couldn't last.

.END.