He looks down at the sand they're walking on in the bright moonlight. They're carrying their shoes in their hands while their free hands brush against each other every so often, and it isn't easy for him, being in this familiar, comfortable state of silence, because this is when his thoughts begin to wander and his imagination whisks him away to a world where their fingers are intertwined and they do this all the time and this – she – is the one thing that worked for him.
But that world is a dangerous place, because it's not the world he lives in and it isn't likely to be a world he ever lives in. And that notion hurts him badly because as much as he's wanted other relationships to work out, this one has been constant in the back of his mind for years, even throughout all his other relationships.
He tries to think about something else, but this silence is killing him, tearing him apart from the inside out, shredding away at his heart and his mind and his very soul, and he's suddenly acutely aware of every pinpoint of his skin that touches hers.
"Hey, Laura?" he says quietly, breaking that silence.
"Hmm?" she replies, looking over at him.
"Have you ever been in love before?" His voice is hardly above a whisper, as though speaking too loud might let her in on his secret.
"No, I don't think so," she replies, maintaining his volume. A small smile dances across her features. "Why? Have you?" She nudges him gently, her shoulder bumping against his bicep because of their height difference.
"I…I think so," he whispers, looking over at her.
Most people he knows would tease him, and while he doesn't necessarily mind it, this is the first time he's ever sort of admitted it out loud and he really just needs to talk about it instead of defending himself against teasing.
"Well, good for you," she whispers back, the smile still on her face. "I know how much you've always wanted to fall in love. Who's the lucky girl?"
"I…well, I don't – " he stutters, unable to come up with a reason why he can't tell her.
"It's okay if you don't wanna tell me," she says. "I hope you'll tell me one day, though."
He swallows. "Yeah…one day." They continue to walk in silence for a few beats, until he speaks again carefully. "Laura, I'm…I'm worried she'll be like the rest."
Laura stops walking and looks at him. "This is why you wanted to come here, isn't it?" she asks innocently. "I knew you must've wanted to talk about something, you've just been trying to work up the courage to tell me about it."
Ross nods slowly. "Yeah. I…I love a girl, but I'm afraid that things won't work out with her and I'll be alone for the rest of my life." His tone is cautious, fearful, vulnerable.
"I think we've all had that fear before," Laura says. "I know I have. I think about it kind of a lot, actually. I don't wanna end up alone either, y'know? But some people just don't find their 'somebody,' and I'm afraid of being one of those people."
"You'll find someone, Laura. Everyone you meet adores you."
Laura gives him a small smile. "Thanks Ross."
It strikes him that she just opened up to him, told her a fear of hers that he didn't even know about yet, and there was no hesitation in her voice. She doesn't put up any pretenses when she's talking to him, she just speaks what's on her mind because she knows he'll always keep her secrets and take her seriously no matter what fears or feelings she has.
Usually, he's like that with her, too.
"About that girl…" she starts. "I think that you'll know when to tell her. But you definitely should tell her."
"You think so?"
Laura smiles at him and nods. "She deserves to know how lucky she is to have a guy like you in love with her."
That smile, her voice, the twinkle in her eyes and the words coming out of her mouth suddenly overwhelm him, and before he knows what he's doing he's leaning forward and her lips are right there but then he catches himself and covers it up by hugging her instead.
She doesn't hesitate to hug him back.
He doesn't know how many nights he goes sleepless before he can't take it anymore. Keeping this secret from her is harder than ever, and he knows that this will probably end badly if she ever finds out but how can he possibly not tell her?
He wishes that he could just skip this period of hesitation and fear, that he could fast forward through all the drama until he gets to a point where (hopefully) they're together. Because he would chose to be with her a million times in a million lifetimes if it were up to him.
But it's not up to him, and that's what's killing him.
She makes her own decisions, and she wants to find the right person just as much as he does. She may be the right person for him, but he has no idea if he's the right person for her and sometimes these things just don't work out (especially not for him).
But then again, if he just lives in fear his whole life he might miss out on something great, he might miss his one window where she could actually be his, and that is not something he intends to do.
So he calls her and they meet at the beach again when the moon is high in the sky and the few visible stars in the sky are twinkling.
"You told me that I'd know when to tell the girl I love my feelings," he says as they walk.
"I did," she agrees.
"I've been thinking about it a lot, and I've been dreading for that time to come. But I've realized that this is the way I've been living for years, only seeing the negative ways a relationship could work out and never focusing on any hope that it could actually end well. This time, I don't want to do that. So I'm just gonna close my eyes and take the plunge and hope that this one won't end badly."
He sees Laura's pure-sunshine smile out of the corner of his eye as he looks ahead. "That's good, Ross," she says. "I'm proud of you. But if you're not afraid anymore…why're we here?"
He takes a deep breath and his heart drops to the pit of his stomach because he's been denying it since they got here but it's time.
He stops walking, and she stops as well. They look at each other, and he immediately finds comfort in her familiar brown eyes. This is Laura. Things are going to be fine.
"We're here because…because I'm telling the girl I love how I feel about her."
She doesn't look shocked, or disgusted, or annoyed, or angry. She just looks…confused.
"You just told me that."
She doesn't get it. Of course she doesn't. That look on her face, so genuinely confused and innocent,causes Ross's fear and hesitation to disappear. He chuckles and his lips curve upwards in an amused smile.
"Laura, the girl is you."
Her eyes widen slightly, but then the surprise passes and he watches as a small smile forms on her face. "Really?" she asks quietly.
He nods, her smile washing away any remaining uncertainty.
"Well…I meant it when I said whoever you loved is a very lucky girl," she says. "Especially when that girl has kinda liked you for a little while too…"
He smiles at her, surprised but not really up to question it. "Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"So…we try our luck and hope for the best?" he suggests.
Laura grins. "Sounds perfect."