As I watched the Mystery of Chopper Base a couple nights ago, I kept waiting for there to be something more to Kanan and Ezra's departure than what was shown on screen. Kanan and Hera's goodbye was fantastic and emotional, but we saw nothing of the rest of the team – specifically Sabine and Ezra. I've always loved their dynamic and this fic explores that more. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars (that's Disney), and I don't claim to own Star Wars (again, Disney). I do this purely for my own enjoyment and that of those who read it.
Whole Again
A Voice in the Desert
That was the problem really – she was much more like Hera than she wanted to admit. She supposed she should've been pleased that she'd managed to get Kanan to finally see that there was more to the Twi'lek's frustration, that her continued efforts to distance herself from him were nothing more than an emotional façade designed to protect herself. It was easier for her to ignore what was coming than acknowledge its imminence.
She knew she'd probably had it a bit easier than Hera, setting up the base and coordinating the dispersal of sensors with Rex had focused most of her energy. Fighting off the crawlers had left little time to think and far less to ponder the future. She'd only caught a glimpse of it that morning as she watched Ezra and Kanan train – preparing to fight the brutal, red-bladed inquisitors on Malachor. Her Mandalorian upbringing encouraged such pursuits: the honor of battle and the open confrontation of an enemy, even at great personal peril. However, her time on the Ghost had taught her that there was more to life than that, and that while the righteousness of battle still remained appealing, it had been eclipsed by a desire to protect her own – a…dare she think it…love for a dysfunctional family of misfits and outcasts that had taken her in when she felt lost and abandoned.
So maybe that was why Sabine found herself slowly making her way toward the sensor perimeter to find Ezra. Hera and Kanan – they would work it out; they had each out to lean on. But Ezra? She wasn't sure. He was a wild card. On one hand, he'd grown up alone on the streets; he knew how to survive, how to cope with things on his own. On the other, he'd already had one family ripped away by the Empire, and now he was voluntarily choosing to leave to protect his new one. It was a selfless decision for someone who deserved a little selfishness.
She rounded the corner to find Ezra walking alongside Ahsoka. He looked fine, relatively upbeat. But his eyes were hooded, his mind clearly distant.
"Mind if I steal Ezra for a minute?" She directed her question to the Togruta jedi.
Ahsoka nodded, a slim smile on her lips. "We've got a little time. Make it quick."
She walked off, and Sabine suddenly felt Ezra's eyes on her. "Hey Sabine, what's up?"
Perhaps it was the intensity, the depth of his stare that made her feel uncomfortable; more likely, it was a thought toward the conversation to come. There were more than practical reasons that Sabine preferred a helmet and enjoyed the solitary escape of her painting. She didn't do well with emotions and feelings. In fact, she'd usually rather jump into another warren of crawlers than have a heart-to-heart. But here she was, putting all of that aside for Ezra. Not because it was an obligation, not because Hera guilt-tripped her into it, but because she genuinely cared. And, if she'd had more time to think about it, that thought probably would've scared her more than it did at that moment.
She gestured over to the side, behind a small rocky outcropping. "You got a minute? I wanted to catch you before you headed out."
They walked the brief distance in silence, side-by-side. She couldn't help but notice that he'd grown since coming aboard. Maybe it was the consistent meals or Hera's sometimes over-the-top mothering, but she figured that in a year or two she'd probably be looking up at him rather than the other way around.
"You wanted to say something?" Ezra's voice pulled her from her brief revere.
"Yeah…I…I" Karabast! Why is this so hard? Just say what you want to say! "You know I don't think you're abandoning us, right? I mean, just because Hera's worried doesn't mean I am too. I know why you have to go…I mean, I understand why you and Kanan have to go alone. You'll be back soon. We'll hold down the fort – Zeb, Hera, Chopper and me. Then you'll both be back and everything will be normal again."
She finally paused for a breath, wishing desperately for her helmet to hide her rapidly warming face. She hadn't meant for all of that to come tumbling out, a word-vomit of near catastrophic proportions.
Ezra looked at her quizzically and Sabine almost breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he thought she just went crazy for a moment and would pretend this never happened. In fact, maybe a stun blast or two would give him temporary amnesia. Yeah…that was a good idea. She could say that one of the crawlers had gotten inside the sensors and managed to hit Ezra upside the head.
She was starting to consider how she could draw her blaster without alarming Ezra when she felt two strong arms engulf her in a hug and a mop of blue-black hair press against her nose. Instinctively she returned the embrace, closing her eyes for a moment and letting her cheek rest against the side of his head. She normally wasn't much for displays of affection, and on another day the hug might've bothered her or at least made her squirm, but right then, it seemed right.
When Ezra finally loosened his grip and pulled back, Sabine could've sworn his eyes were a bit watery.
"Thank you," he said, his voice rough. "I…I needed to hear that. I've spent so much time training, preparing, that what we're planning to do never really set in. And now that we're actually leaving, no one seems to care. Kanan has been sort of aloof and above it all. Hera has been distant, and Zeb pretends nothing bothers him."
"I care." The words were out of Sabine's mouth before she could stop them.
"I know," Ezra smiled softly, "and that means more to me than you probably realize."
Sabine rolled her eyes playfully; Ezra's lines didn't seem to bother her quite as much as they did before.
"Just come back in one piece, alright?"
"I will. I promise."
Sabine shook her head, "don't make promises you can't keep, Ezra."
He ran a hand through his hair, before meeting her eyes again. "I don't. You want to know why? Because this time, I have all of you to come back to."
This time it was Sabine who initiated the hug, grasping him tightly, taking one last selfish moment to enjoy the wholeness of their embrace before he'd be gone and his absence left a gaping hole in her life.
"I'm going to miss you." She said it quietly, letting her voice be carried away by the wind. Gone the instant it left her lips.
"I'll miss you too," Ezra's voice echoed her own, fleeting, grasping for a time that was no longer there.
They both pulled back. "I should probably go."
Sabine nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. He was standing mere feet away and she could already feel the distance growing.
"I'll…" he stumbled over the words, "I'll…"
"See you soon," Sabine finished for him with a brief smile. "Now go. Ahsoka's waiting."
He walked off, turning around once to give her a quick wave. Sabine forced herself to adopt her usual smirk and touched her fingers to her brow, sketching a salute. When he finally turned the corner she allowed her shoulders to slump and the smile to slip off her face. It was going to be a hard couple of days. Hera would probably bury herself in work, becoming emotionally unavailable, while Zeb distracted himself by driving Chopper spare. And she…well…she would probably lose herself in her painting for a little bit, embracing the solitude and ignoring her friends' conspicuous absence.
But for now she simply looked to the sky, tracing the flight of a departing ship until it disappeared, fading completely from view. She didn't know what they would face or what the future held in store, but she hoped, prayed to whatever deity that would listen, that her family would one day be whole again.
I always love feedback; please review!
P.S. I'm currently working on a multi-chapter Sabezra fic that I should begin posting shortly. This fic will function as a quasi-prologue for the new one (though I'll be posting it separately) so be on the lookout for that!