You mean to tell me everything's gon' be fine, if I call yo' hotline and pay $29.99?!

(Also, special shout-out to PrettyKittyLuvsU and 4thwallvigilante who wanted to see a lot of the jokes in this chapter again).

Chapter 4 - The Scooby Squad is Back!

"Hey Jason, do you think maybe after we break out, we can go for gelato?" Dick said from where he was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the cell.

Jason didn't look at him. He carried on watching Tim. It had been about thirty minutes and Jason had no idea what Tim's plan would be to get into this cell. "No, there's not gonna be any gelato."

Dick frowned and furrowed his brows. He started filling his cheeks with air and twitching his lips up and down in boredom. Then his eyes lit up. "Hey Jason, can you do this?" He sprang into a handstand and then walked with his hands over to where Jason was standing at the bars of the cell. Then he looked up to see if Jason was looking.

Jason still didn't look at him. "No."

"What about this?" Dick did a handstand with one hand now, and then he looked up to see if Jason was looking.

"No."

"Okay Jason but I'm sure you can do this." Dick graciously flipped over onto his feet and was then standing and beaming at Jason with bright eyes.

"No. But hey, Dick?"

Dick beamed. "Yeah, Jason?"

"Do you know what I can do?"

Dick gasped. "What?"

Jason roared and grabbed Dick by the throat, slamming him onto the floor and aiming to choke him to death. "I can FUCKING murder you, you fucking acrobat freak fucking teach you to one-up me … !"

Dick's fingers shot up and were clawing at Jason's face and hands as his legs bucked and kicked out. "Jason … fdlvka can't breathe … but still … love … you …"

Jason let go of Dick's throat and then carded his fingers through his own hair. Then he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry I tried to murder you, Dick. It's just … I have cabin fever, y'know?"

Dick clutched his fingers around his own throat and coughed a couple of times. Then he took a deep breath and sat up. Then he smiled. "Hey, that's okay Jason! Though I think cabin fever isn't the problem as we've only been in the same cell for thirty eight minutes." He sprang up onto his feet and looked Jason in the eyes. "But if you really wanted to say sorry, we should go for gelato!"

"There will be no gelato." Jason grunted and walked over to the bars of the cell even as Dick frowned. "Jeez. Something's happening, anyway."

The something that was happening was Bellick bouncing over to Tim's cell. "Drake, I bought you this salad. I hope you like it and that it doesn't make you throw up ... because … sometimes it does that to people."

Jason furrowed his brows. It would be real interesting to see if Tim could pull this whole transfer thing off.

As if after days of planning, Tim closed his eyes and then put on some kind of commanding voice. "Bellick this cell. It's depressing me."

Bellick gasped. "What? It is? Is it the toilet? Is it your cellmate Paul the murderer?"

Paul the murderer's lower lip began quivering at that. "Is it me, Timmy?"

Tim slashed his fingers through the air in front of him, as if to cut Bellick off. "No its the Feng Shui Bellick it's wrong it's all wrong!"

Jason's shoulders tensed. Oh. My God.

Bellick gasped again. "The Feng Shui is wrong?"

"Bellick the Feng Shui isn't just wrong, it's painfully wrong. Ah what am I even doing here ..." Tim was dramatically rubbing his temples. "You got toilets where there should be Okami trees, beds where there should be Chakras MY WORD Bellick did you not think about any of this when you put me in this cell?"

"No I didn't Mr. Drake I'm so sorry!" Bellick furiously scanned around the cells. "Which cell has the best Feng Shui?"

Tim smiled and pointed to Jason's cell. "That one."

Bellick grumbled. "Well I can see why. Todd is an incredibly handsome man."

Jason's eyes flickered at how this might actually work.

"I mean like fucking hell," Bellick continued, "check out the ass on that man."

"Okay, we get it Bellick," Jason said drably, "we get it."

"He got them washboard abs, stubble from the heavens, good GOD he is the peak of physical beauty. I mean FUCK ME, look at how FUCKING SEXY his cheekbones …"

"Okay, he gets it!" Jason put his hand up. "Thanks. You don't need to explain it any further."

Tim was escorted from his prison cell over to Jason's and then the door was mechanically pulled open and Tim was shoved in so he was nose to nose with Jason. "Hi Jason."

Jason shoved past Tim and looked out the cell. Sure, he'd have to sacrifice his space with the replacement for a while, but it would all be worth it when he got out. "Alright so we've got Tim, now what … what are you idiots doing?"

It seemed Dick and Tim had got into some secret handshake, both beaming like the biggest fucktards on the planet. When Tim caught Jason watching him, he did a double take then turned his whole body towards Jason. "Hi Jason," he said with a smile, "we should go get gelato when we get out of here."

Dick turned to Tim with excitement. "Right?! Awrr, it's great how we think so alike!" Tim and Dick were bouncing up and down and grinning like idiots at this revelation.

"Fuck … what's your plan?" Jason said, "bone to the gelato until you tell me your plan."

Tim gasped. "And then gelato?"

Jason forced a smile. "We'll think about it, Drake. Your plan?"

Tim clutched his fingers into a fist and put it in front of his chest. "I'm going to become the best pokemon trainer the world has ever seen …" Tim's eyes sparkled and were on the floor with furrowed brows. "Me and my Vulpix are going to conquer all the gyms …"

Jason's eyes were wide. "Are you fucking serious?"

Tim frowned and then Dick's palm came onto Tim's shoulder reassuringly. "Hey. Ash Ketchum's got nothing on you."

Tim smiled and nuzzled into Dick's chest. "Thanks, Dick."

Jason roared. "I don't want your life plan! What's your plan for getting out of here?!"

"Oh." Tim's eyes lit with understanding. "Ohhhhh. Well then for that, we need Damian!"

Jason actually felt his heart drop a little in its place. No, my God no. "What?"

"Yeah, he needs to be here or we can't break out," Dick said, as if they both already knew this from the start.

Jason's heart pulsed angrily. No … no, no! He drew the line at the replacement, the demon child was a step too far! He began pacing up and down the cell. The replacement and the demon-child were both absolutely bat-shit insane. He wasn't … how many strings would he have to pull to be away from them forever?

"We need him Jason," Tim said, as if sensing Jason's discomfort, "he's a crucial part of the plan."

"He's a demon." Jason scratched his temple. "Why can't we just break out without him?"

Tim shrugged. "It wouldn't be possible. He can mimic anyone's voice anywhere on the planet. We need that talent."

Jason breathed deeply through closed lips. "Alright look, even if he were to tunnel out of the solitary isolation, which is a big if, it's going to take him at least several days to dig through thirty feet of concrete and the entire underlay of this prison and we've been here all of thirty eight minutes … so if you've got a way to …"

There was some kind of scratching on the wall.

Jason snapped towards it. "What - what the hell is that?"

The scratching intensified in the wall.

Dick leapt over to it and smashed his ear against the wall. "Sounds like some kind of ungodly killing machine."

What the hell? Jason walked over to the wall slowly and raised his arms into a cross. "Nay, for even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death … I fear no evil … for the Lord is by my …"

There was a loud bang from where the scratching was and all three of them slammed themselves into the bars on the other side with a scream.

"Guys," Tim whispered from next to Jason, "are we gonna die?"

"Yes Tim," Jason said and clutched him close, "yes we are."

The toilet sprang from its place and smashed into the bars and Jason screamed like a bitch and clutched onto Tim with eyes tightly shut.

"Todd." Damian stood covered in sand dust and a broken plastic spoon handle where the toilet used to be.

"Oh," Jason said and pushed Tim away. "It's you."

"Damian?" Dick lit up from where he was. "Hey Damian, you made it!" He hugged onto Damian with arms like wire bands while Damian grumbled his content. That was the peak of his emotional displays - grumbling his content.

Damian sneezed sand dust over Dick's shoulder. Then he sniffed and looked between each of them. "I heard talk of gelato?"

"Oooh please let's get gelato, Jason," Tim said.

"What a great idea!" Dick beamed.

"No there will be no gelato!" Jason rubbed his eyes. "Listen, what's your plan for getting out of here?"

"I really think we should at least think about gelato," Dick said.

Jason shook his head like a bulldog. "Plan. How are we getting out of here?"

"Okay well we have to get into the infirmary first." Tim shrugged. "I'm not sure how we're going to do that but I know how to do everything after that!"

Ah, he should have figured that it wouldn't just be as easy as getting both Drake and Wayne into the same cell as him. "So we need to get to the infirmary? Alright. Cool, well can't we just work our magic on Bellick again?" Jason marched over to the bars. "Bellick! Eh Bellick!"

Bellick slammed against the bars in a sexy pose again.

Jason practically leapt back. "SWEET …"

"Hello Todd," Bellick said sultrily. Then he saw Damian. "What the f- Shaniqua?!"

Damian stood against the wall and tutted.

"Oh okay." Bellick turned to Jason. "Well Todd, we're not giving you any more beds so you have to live with all of these people on two beds. I'm sure you'll all get along just fine. A circus freak, a murderer, a Tim Drake and a black woman." Bellick leaned against the bars. "What could possibly go wrong."

He'd probably tear their throats out before the end of the day, if Jason had to stay with all of them much longer. Jason straightened up. "Bellick I need you to move us to the infirmary."

Bellick nodded in understanding and smiled. "Oh yeah sure thing Todd let me just get you the doctor - he can help you with that."

"Okay," Jason smiled, "Hey thanks Bellick that's actually really helpful ..."

Bellick slammed against the bars again, now wearing a doctor's coat. "What seems to be the problem here, Todd?"

Jason's eyes widened for just a split second. "Oh. Just. Fuck off."

Bellick blinked.

"You." Jason still couldn't understand why he was surprised. "You're the doctor? You were the bus driver, the inquiries officer, the correctional officer and now you're also the doctor?"

"Todd, I don't understand why any of this surprises you anymore, clearly I defy the laws of physics."

Dick nodded. "It's true he actually does."

Jason rubbed his eyes. "Alright whatever, could you get us to the infirmary?"

"Okay well do you have any broken bones?"

"Ah – no."

"Burns?"

"No."

"Lacerations?"

Jason cocked his head. "No."

"Are you a leper, Todd?"

Jason narrowed his eyes. "Am I a leper?"

Bellick gasped. "Todd, are you suffering from leprosy? Do you have falling-off body parts?"

Dick gasped. "Jason, is it true? Are you a leper?"

"No I'm not a leper ..."

"That's exactly what a leper would say." Bellick tutted and shook his head. "I can't believe I didn't see this earlier."

"I'm not a leper."

"Jason," Dick said with a quivering lip, "how could you not tell us?"

Tim had both his hands to his mouth and his eyes were wide. "Jason I'm so sorry about your condition!"

"I'm not a leper."

"I don't know Grayson," Bellick said, "he could be a sleeping leper. Check his body."

"Sir I will do that Sir!"

"I'm not a leper! Don't touch me Dick or I will actually shiv you."

"Shaniqua," Bellick said, "if he's a leper we need to know!"

Damian tutted and shook his head. "It's okay to be embarrassed about your condition, Todd."

Jason's jaw was practically on the floor. "Are you guys actually serious right now?"

"There's only one way to be sure." Dick turned to Bellick. "Mr Bellick sir, what are the tell-tale signs of leprosy?"

Bellick's eyes widened. "Does he have a strong aversion to … gelato?!"

All three of the other bat brothers gasped and turned to Jason.

"Oh," Jason said, "my God. Look listen to me, listen. I'm not a leper. I'm not. A leper."

Bellick shrugged. "Then no I can't let you into the infirmary, Todd. Also you should try the canteen, boys, they're serving gelato there today."

Dick gasped. "They're serving gelato?!"

Tim bounced up and down. "Oh my God, gelato!"

"I would not be completely against the idea of gelato, Todd." Damian said.

"D'ya know what." Jason sighed. "I kind of feel like some gelato now. Fine we get some gelato and then we're going to find a way to get into the infirmary."

Tim's eyes lit up. "I'm gonna get mango."

"I don't care, Drake," Jason said.

Bellick started. "Well boys, I think my work here is done …"

"You did nothing," Jason said.

"And now, like Nanny McPhee, I must leave … to help somebody else." The supporting officer scooted up next to Bellick's ear and he listened intently. "What? Huh?! Oh my God Paul the murderer is trying to murder his new cellmate?!" Bellick fumbled over the other officers and then sprinted towards Tim's old cell. "Why did nobody see this coming?! His name is Paul the murderer!"

Jason sat down against the bars as the cops fumbled against each other and tried sprinting away. "All three of you are in my cell."

"Hey Jason." Dick sat down in front of Jason with a smile. Then he poked Jason's nose which made him jolt. "Bop on your nose to cheer you up!"

Jason grit his teeth. "I'm taking top bunk."

There were murmurs of disagreement between them, and someone definitely said 'I really must protest' but Jason didn't know who.

"Sleep today," Jason said, "we find a way to get to the infirmary tomorrow."

Guys, I'm actually seriously feeling some pringles. Can somebody please get me some pringles, I will LOVE you forever? Also guys, recommend some of the best fics to me on the Batman fandom I LOVE reading great works :D also, what have you guys been up to? Anyone written any works they are particularly proud of that I can take a look at? :D