Tuesday morning rolled around faster than anyone had anticipated. As was expected there was a light drizzle as clouds hung heavy over their heads taunting them, really. Acting as though they would burst any minute, but only continued the long slow drizzle that was rain since earlier that morning.
In her room at the Potter's she stood in front of the full length mirror as Lily pulled the zipper up on her dress dusting off any remaining lint. The dress itself wasn't anything spectacular. She'd had to grab it last minute at a muggle thrift shop with Lily the day prior as it had been some time since the last funeral she'd attended and the old dress no longer fit.
Smoothing out the dress she sighed as she grabbed her mother's old hat that she'd worn to her parent's funeral nearly ten years prior. It was a small round hat that sat to the side of her head with a small net veil that covered her face. The heels she wore were simple, yet stylish and also second hand. Having been accustomed to thrifting with Lily throughout the years it was nothing new for her to be wearing second hand clothes. In fact she preferred them most of the time. To her they had character and a back story that the girls would think of as they perused the many racks of some of their favorite shops.
Gloves pulled on snuggle she turned around to her friend who gave her a half smile before hugging her. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Lily. I'm still a kid myself. How am I going to raise one," she mumbled into the other girl's shoulder.
"Everything will be ok and we'll talk about the fine details later. Right now there are guests waiting for your arrival," said Lily, holding the girl at arms length. "Just remember, you don't have to do this alone." At that she walked out of the room as Tabbitha watched her walk away. In the doorway stood an extremely dapper looking Sirius with his hands shoved into his dress robe pockets. Pushing back his hair he gave her a weak smile she was unable to return.
"Sirius, I…," she stopped, unsure of what to say after their last encounter.
"It's ok. We don't have to talk about it. I'm only here to escort you." To which she gave him a weak smile of her own as he held out his arm for her to take. Then right before apparating he added, "just think about it." And just lack that they were transported from the comfort of her room to the right outside the church where the funeral was to be held.
Inside the church she recognized a few faces here and there, while others she had never seen before. With Sirius at her side she made her way up to the front pew next to her sister. Sitting down she grabbed onto Anna's hand squeezing it tight as the little girl struggled to hold back the tears with Lily on her right holding her other hand while Sirius held Tabbitha's.
The service was beautiful and well protected with aurors stalking the grounds of the cemetery at every corner. Several people had many amazing things to say about her mother. Things she had forgotten about in the past several years. She'd be lying to herself if she said she did not resent her mother for staying with the shell of a man that once was her husband. These people had known her mother much longer than she had obviously, but many of them she had never seen in their most desperate time of need and she hated them too. Finally, when it was her turn to speak she struggled to stay together, looking to her friends for support every so often. What hurt the most was that she could not say what she really wanted to say about her mother to these people she'd called friends and to her mother. So much had been left unspoken. Maybe she would start a journal as McGonagall had suggested several times throughout the years. Who, if she was being honest with herself, she also resented in a since. The woman had known about the girls' plight these past few years and did nothing but offer advice that any fortune cookie could spew at her.
As she stood up there, reading over a well rehearsed speech it dawned on her just how alone and scared she was. Sure she had the marauders and Anna, but she was the older sibling. She was now the sole provider for her small family, which meant she had to stay strong. She had to be there to comfort Anna when she was sad. Though she did not resent the little girl as she did so many others, part of her wanted to, while the sensible side told her to keep it together and keep going. After all, that was what was expected of her. To take the mantle of both mother, father and older sister, all while finishing school. It was too much for one person to handle, but she had to and she would.
Once the speech was over she made her way down to the front row where Sirius offered a hug, but she politely declined opting to sitting down, legs crossed at the knees and hands resting firmly in her lap. It was the only thing keeping her together at that moment. It was the only thing keeping her grounded.
After the burial she and Anna stayed to receive well wishes and empty apologies from people they'd never see again. There was a point where all of their voices and words began to meld together. Their faces became blurred and their voices muffled by the loud ringing in her ears. In a moment hands were on her shoulders, on her hands, on her face. Someone's face was in hers and voices were shouting, though she could not tell through that excruciating ringing. Then just like that, she snapped. Pulling away from the hands and faces she heard what sounded like her voice shout 'STOP' before apparating away. Away from the lies, the voices. Away from any responsibility to herself and to her sister if only for just a moment.
When she finally stopped she found herself by the lake out behind the place she once called home. Tears running freely down her face smearing her make up. She kicked off those horrible shoes she ever so regretted buying and tossed away the hat to take in a deep breath. And in that moment she broke. Falling to her knees she cried for the mother she lost. She cried for the father she'd lost years ago. She cried for Anna who, so young, still managed to keep it together better than her. And finally, she cried for herself and her inability to deal with anything under the amount of pressure she was under.
For days she had tried to convince herself that she had to be brave. She had to keep it together for Anna, but the girl was doing ok. She had the marauders and Lily, but not her sister. Tabbitha realized she'd grown distant and cold in the short time. She'd already begun to push everyone away, and that was eating her up inside. Before that night she had been the happy go lucky Hufflepuff princess that everyone seemed to love and adore. She'd even managed to become friends with some Slytherins, who on their own weren't bad, but that girl was gone now. Now she felt empty, alone and lost, to name a few.
Before she was able to delve further into the abyss she'd already crawled into there was a pop from behind her signaling that someone had found her. Quickly wiping away the tears she pushed herself up nearly falling over in the process only to be caught by two strong arms that pulled her into the chest of her intruder.
"Shh, it's ok. Just let it out," mumbled Sirius, holding her close to him as he stroked her hair gently causing a new batch of tears to fall. Crumbling to her knees he went with her never once letting go.
"Why," she croaked, hiccuping in the process.
"Why what, dear," asked Sirius, with his chin resting her head.
"Why'd she do it," she said, pulling up slightly so that she could look up at him searching his for answers that she knew he did not have, but that she needed.
"Because she loved you." That was not the answer she wanted nor needed. Shoving him away she stumbled to her feet heaving as she did so.
"No! If she loved me she would have protected herself. Anna would have someone capable of taking care of her! If she loved me she would not have left me with a task I can not fulfill," she was screaming now, swatting at him to keep him away and when that wasn't working she pointed her wand at him.
Holding up his hand in defense he stepped forward only for her to push further. "I don't want to fight you, Tabbitha."
"I don't care what you want, Sirius," she spat, "if you step any closer I will hex you." And he knew she would if given the chance. So, he'd take that chance away from her before it came to that.
As he stepped forward in one swift motion he faintly heard people shouting his name, but he paid them no mind. Grabbing her wand he quickly pulled her towards him. Wrapping an arm around her waist he tossed the wand aside with her shoes and pinned her arms to her sides. She struggled for a minute, but he was stronger than she was thanks to her lack of quidditch practice over the summer. As she did so he stood firm waiting for her to calm down or at least give up, whichever came first.
"Is that how you really feel, Tabbitha," he screamed, having lost his patience with the girl who'd gone mad. When she did not reply he continued, "if not, then please for the love of Merlin tell someone how you really feel about all of this! You can't keep holding this! We've already seen what happens when you do that for too long and we don't want to see it get worse.
"I don't want to see you get worse," he added, in a much softer voice. Freeing her from his grasp he moved his hands to cradle her face in them as she wiped away the tears.
"Sirius, don't you think you're going a bit far." It was James that spoke up, but they paid him no mind as Lily smacked him in the arm promptly shushing him so that the other girl could speak.
"I'm scared. For three years, three long years I have felt alone, but not like today. I'm lost and I'm terrified of what the future holds for me and for Anna. How anyone expects, some seventeen year old witch who's still a child herself, to raise one on her own is beyond me. As you can see, I can barely keep myself together," pausing she took a deep breath closing her eyes, before continuing, "and to top it off I still have my N.E.W.T.S to worry about. I already know what career I want, but in order to do that I'll have to either step down as captain of my team or quit altogether." That comment alone caused James to protest again only to be slapped once more, but this time by Remus, who also shushed. "And to make things even better, we have nowhere to go at the end of term. No, I'm not putting you out like that.
"After all that is said and I done, I just don't know what to do," she sighed, dropping her gaze from his sniffling as a few stray tears ran down her face.
"I know and I understand, but at least think about it ok. And if not, stay with the Potters. They absolutely adore you and Anna, especially Mrs. Potter. Don't give me that look you know it's true. She loves having you girls around and you'd at least be able to save money till you do become an auror, which is what I assume you want to be." To which she nodded her slowly.
"That's settled then. You'll think about moving in with myself or the Potters and have your answer a month before we graduate. How does that sound," he said, letting go of her face as she wiped away any remaining tears with a soft smile.
"Sounds good. You know can be a real prat sometimes," she chuckled, still sniffling trying to keep the snot from falling. Realizing she probably looked like a hot mess.
"That's part of my charm, love," he said with a wink, as he tossed an arm over her shoulder causing her to chuckle. "Now, how's about we all get back to James' and feast on some delicious food?" All heads present nodded in agreement as they made their way to the McKinely's home having been made aware already that the fireplace in the sitting room was still connected to the floo network.
As they began to make the descent up the hill to her old home after having grabbed her things off of the ground Tabbitha got to thinking. "So, how'd you get here anyways? You're not old enough to apparate, and yet, that's the noise I heard earlier."
"Tilly brought me here. Sweet one that is. What are you going to do with her now that you'll no longer be living here?"
"Hmmm," she thought for a moment before calling out, "Tilly." In a flash the little elf was by her side.
"Yes, miss," implored the little elf.
"What does Tilly say about being a free elf," she said, pulling off one of her gloves. Tilly had been made her house elf behind her father's back during one of his many drunken nights.
"Oh no, Tilly could never leave Miss Tabbitha and Miss Anna," said the elf, shaking her head.
"It's alright Tilly. You don't have to leave us, but while we're in school you'll be more than welcome to pop on over to the Potters to help them out whenever needed. Also, you'll be getting paid weekly for your services. You're family after all," smiled Tabbitha, handing the glove over to the elf who had tears in her eyes.
"Thank you, miss. Thank you." With that she apparated away leaving Sirius and Tabbitha on the hill. After a moment of silence she stood up to her full height turning to look at him.
"You know what I just remembered that I forgot for a second there?"
"What's that," he asked with a smirk.
"I forgot I can apparate us there now." They both looked to the house realizing she could have gotten them all back without having to use the floo network. "Oh well," she shrugged with a grin as she held out her arm for him to take hold, "ready?"
"Actually, that reminds me. We never did celebrate your birthday properly," he said thoughtfully tapping his chin as if it had just dawned on him to which she just rolled her eyes.
"Oh shut up, Black, and grab on before I leave you here," she chuckled, as he grabbed onto her arm.
"But Tabbitha, we have to cele-," his sentence was cut short the moment she apparated them away from there and to the Potters. Once there she continued to decline any offers of celebrating her birthday as she made her way upstairs to her room all the while shaking her head.
"... and for the last time no," she laughed, shutting the door in his face so that she could change in peace. And with a shit eating grin he waltzed down the hall to his designated room. After that encounter something told him she'd change her mind about his proposal by the end of the year for sure.