Walking Towards Light: Ami Redux
Act 3: Coming Home
Chapter 14: Happy Hour - Because it's 3 o'clock somewhere...
Ami paced up and down the sidewalk, killing time.
She was hoping to catch Hotaru on her way home after school. It seemed right to let the little girl know that she was back in town. Ami felt guilty for leaving without saying goodbye in the first place, but she hadn't known how long she'd be gone, or if she was even coming back. Ami hated goodbyes. They always sounded so final to her.
Still, Hotaru deserved better from her. Hell, everyone deserved better from her.
Ami sighed. It was an unusually warm spring day. Too hot even. All this waiting around was making her thirsty.
Oh. There was a bar right here. Strange that it was open this time of day.
That was good.
Ami checked her watch. 3pm. That was good too. At least a half hour before Hotaru would let out of class.
Wait. Shimatta. Her watch stopped. Now she'd have to go into the bar to ask the time. Lucky that it was open already.
Ami pushed open the door and walked inside the dimly lit bar.
Makoto was pissed. Small time Yakuza type walked into her bakery this morning and tried to demand protection money. She'd managed to scare them off. Being an amazon with a black belt had its advantages. Having a framed photograph of her and all her friends behind the counter probably helped too - especially with a uniformed Officer Aino hogging the front and centre of the image.
Strange. Organized crime wasn't usually so bold in this part of town. Makoto wondered if there was some internal cause of conflict. She made a mental note to call Minako tomorrow when she was off the "do not disturb" list. As soon as she and Ami landed in Tokyo, Minako made it clear she was 100% not to be contacted for anything less than an apocalypse. Funny how Rei was coincidentally unavailable as well.
Makoto rolled her eyes...real subtle those two.
Yakuza activity hardly counted as apocalyptic, so Mako let it slide for now. Minako and Rei needed their alone time.
In the meantime however, she could ask around and see what was happening. Mako headed to her local dive bar. The bartender there, Corff, was an old "friend" of hers from her "dark period". She used the term "friend" loosely. The son of a bitch was a total bastard, but he did usually have his ear to the ground and was always willing to talk to someone with her particular...talents.
Makoto shoved past the sticky door of the shitty bar, ready to get/beat some answers from the barkeep. Except for a single depressed looking burnout slouched at the bar, the place was empty.
Wait. This was totally out of character, but she would recognize that blue hair anywhere.
"...the hell? Ami-chan? How many have you had?"
"Makoto? Why are you here?"
Ami's tone was somewhere between confused and accusatory.
"Just looking for info about why the local yakuza decided to step up their extortion game. Hell of a coincidence you're here too? Are you ok?"
Ami collapsed in on herself a bit.
"Kami-sama. I'm an idiot. I'm sorry."
Makoto called for her original target, Corff the bartender, to bring her a soda. Looks like Ami could use some company.
"Not drinking? I'll buy. I owe you one at least. Auch Die Freude hat ihre Zeit!"
Ami sloshed her beer at Makoto's general direction and took a giant gulp.
"Three years sober baby. Working on four"
"Oh... I didn't know.""
"You couldn't have."
Ami downed half her beer before she put the glass back down. She rolled her sleeve up to show Mako the scarred mess that was her left arm.
"What the hell's happened to us? This is fucked up. Doesn't even feel real anymore."
Mako had seen the scars before, several weeks ago when Ami was in the hospital, but it still looked wrong to her. Mako's protective nature flared up when she noticed that there were some stitches on Ami's arm that weren't there last time around. Ami must have gotten hurt either in Europe, or when Rei's temple was attacked. Mako tried and failed to keep the look of horror off her face.
It was wasted effort either way. Ami wasn't paying attention. She was drunk and busy repeating her last sentence back at herself.
"Doesn't...even...feel...real...anymore."
Ami pulled at her stitches with every word. Makoto took her hand and held it to stop her.
"Is that why you're here getting hammered at 3 in the afternoon?"
"Sure. Why not? You know, I just to got out all night in Berlin, picking fights and looking for trouble. I even hacked the local police network so that I could find more people to beat on. At least then I could pretend that they deserved it. I know that's horrible, but I needed to vent. I wanted to hurt people, or get hurt. Either way, just something... I liked hurting people for once I guess. It felt honest and I was tired of lying. Is it weird that I miss that?"
"No, I get it. I've been there. After my parents died. I got into fights all the time. The day I met Usagi, I was really just waiting around for some guys to start trouble so I'd have and excuse to fight them. I'm lucky that I didn't manage to ruin my life back then."
"Instead you became a Sailor Senshi."
Mako looked at Ami sharply. That was revealing.
"Is that what being a Senshi is about to you? Just fighting?"
"Fighting, killing, occasionally dying. Yeah, that's pretty much it. I'm good at that at least."
"We protect people, we've saved the world how many times now?"
"No. Mako. You protect people, you and the others. That's something to be proud of. Me? I look for weaknesses. I exploit them. That's what I do. It's who I am. I point the a youma. 'Hit it in the back!' Poof! It dies. I scan the map. 'Hey! Its in the north pole!'. Bam. We die. Why do you think Metaria chose me as a host? We were already so alike to begin with. We hurt people, we use others to do our dirty work for us, and we use people's weaknesses against them. I carried Metaria's essence in my mind for 6 years and didn't even notice. It was just business as usual. What does that say about me? "
"Do you feel Metaria inside you right now?"
"Who knows? Maybe? Even when I knew she was there, it didn't feel all that different. She didn't tell me anything that I wasn't already thinking."
"You talk to her? When?"
Mako was getting worried. That can't be natural.
"It feels like always. Metaria...The voice inside me that tells me how people hurt. How to cause or prevent that. Two sides of one coin. The part of me that is always restless. I want more. More knowledge, more control – being a Senshi, or even being a doctor...to control life and death. I can't deny the thrill. I try to push it back, but the drive is always there. In that sense, I understand Metaria. I really do. It's about power...So where did Ami end and Metaria begin you ask? I don't think there is as great a distinction as you'd like to believe."
Ami was slurring her words again, but at least she was talking now. Lecturing really. This was about 6 years overdue. Makoto hoped she wasn't taking advantage of the situation - better out than in after all. As far as Mako was concerned, it was a good thing that Ami continued to speak without being promted.
"...Queen Metaria chose me, The Death Busters wanted me to join them. Hell, even a random Droid almost got me to attack you guys once. I'm the common denominator here. There's something wrong with me. We talked that night under Mugen. Queen Metaria and I that is. Arrogant bitch looked just like me."
"How much do you remember from that night? You've never talked about it. Gods...I don't know why I assumed you didn't remember..."
"Everything. I remember everything. I remember trying to take Usagi's head off. I would have succeeded if it weren't for Saturn appearing out of nowhere. I remember being furious about that. I remember being hit by the Silence Glaive. There is something about it, even just the handle, that is beyond human experience. I can't explain. It's death. It's entropy. It is the end of all you know. Whenever I see Hotaru now, I think about the weight of that horror in her hands...and that she picked it up willingly because of my actions. It's unbearable. She's a KID for goodness's sake! I took that away from her!"
Mako tried to calm Ami down in vain. Ami started shake she re-lived the night that she was possessed by Queen Metaria.
"It's ok. It's ok Ami.. Look at me. It's over. It's going to be ok."
"Look at you? Look at you Mako? Looking at you, I remember holding my sword. I remember wondering if I should gut you to watch you die slowly, or if the poetry of stabbing you in the heart was just too good to pass up. That's what I remember. I can't stop. It doesn't end. It never ends."
"Yes it will Ami. It ends. I promise it will. You can beat this. Look at me. You didn't kill me. I'm right here. What happened next?"
Mako could see Ami's eyes slowly come back into focus as she considered the simple question. What happened next? Ami answered after a long pause.
"The Silver Crystal. I remember the light of the Silver Crystal. Did you know that it burns? The light. It's so pure. You're swallowed up by it. The whole world is gone, nothing but light. There's light under your skin, and behind your eyes and in your blood...gods, I can't describe it, but it hurt. Did I scream? It was beautiful too. Like falling into a star. Then it gets...warm somehow? Surrounded by warmth. It felt real. I don't remember much after that."
"You were dead for a few minutes according to Mamoru. We thought we'd lost you."
"I wish. You might have been better off. Maybe you should just kill me right and get it over with."
"That's not funny. Don't even joke about that."
A sardonic laugh followed that statement.
"Usagi would never allow it besides. She loves you. We all do"
"...you're right Mako. Love. I know that's true...I felt it when I woke up in the hospital, and how you are all trying to help me even though I'm a damn train wreck right now. I've been avoiding Usagi these days. Maybe I should go apologize. Thank you Mako. Gomen ne. Sorry for the rant. Consider it a moment of weakness. You shouldn't have had to deal with that. Don't worry about Metaria taking over again. She is me but I am not her."
"We're friends Ami. It's not Metaria I'm worried about, it's you. You're hurting and drunk off your ass at 3pm in a shitty dive bar. Of course I'm going to worry."
"That's not fair. You shouldn't. I'm not being fair to you. I can't talk about it right now, but I know things aren't ok between us. I'm so sorry. I know I hurt you too. How do you not hate me?"
Ami finished her beer before Makoto think of an appropriate response to that loaded question.
There were so many things left unsaid. Ami remembered a night from just before her mother's death. A night she spent with Makoto. She took Mako's heart and left her behind. 6 years was not enough time to forgive that betrayal too, but Mako was being so understanding right now. So unbelievably understanding.
Ami buried her face in her hands. She couldn't even look at Makoto right now. The love in her eyes was too much. Too undeserved. Wasted. Her emotions were spiraling downwards quickly, and Ami was too drunk to control the descent.
Makoto answered before she fell too far into her own mind.
"Yes, I was hurt when you left, but I can't hate you Ami-chan. Life happens. Life isn't fair and things got out of control. Honestly, I don't get IT… but I think eventually, I just figured that I didn't need to."
Years of familiarity came flooding back. Being depressed and hearing Makoto's comforting voice. Just like old times...
"It? Mako-chan... What do you mean?"
"Oh you know, the meaning of life, why bad things happen to good people…et cetera. It's all ridiculous."
Makoto dismissed all the great questions of philosophy with a wave of her hand.
"The more I thought about it, the less relevant it seemed. I'm not sure that knowing would change how I live at all. I mean, either way, this is the life I have, so I am just going to live the crap out of it. It's a fight sometimes, but I think the most important thing was the fight itself. To have a good life - the best life that I could. I remember when my parents died. I thought my life was over, that I couldn't go on. I was forced to move to Juuban, and guess what? I met all you. I kept living. Didn't see that coming."
"You make that sound so simple Mako... Life's more complicated than that."
"Probably, but it can be simple too. I know this doesn't sound that helpful right now, but keep struggling. Be proud that you are still standing here today after everything that's happened to you, and that you are still fighting to get your life back together. Don't give up. Someone told me this quote once: There is no path that lets me live my life other than this path. Therefore, I walk this path. That always stuck with me. To me, that means that the life that you have already lived is in the path behind you. Your future lies ahead. Whatever steps you choose to take next, becomes your new path. As long as you are honest to yourself about your path, you will never be lost. The only time you are truly lost is when you give up and stop walking."
Ami struggled to remember something she'd said a long time ago, to someone else who'd given up on their life.
"...A future is something you have to make for yourself. You have to believe in yourself to make it."
"Yeah, you got it Ami. Who told you that?"
"I did, once. Long ago."
plonk
Their conversation was interrupted. The bartender brought over Makoto's soda and proceeded to wipe the bar nearby. Makoto looked up, her eyes followed the bartender suspiciously.
"Ami-chan. How long have you been here?"
"Dunno? About 2 hours?"
Ami was having a hard time counting the hours. She'd been here for about 4 hours...ish? How long ago was that? She looked at her watch. 3:05. Wait...wasn't it stopped earlier? Wasn't that why she'd come in here in the first place? When did she get so drunk? Why ddi she start drinking at all? The ticking of the second hand was giving her vertigo.
Makoto leaned in close and whispered in her ear.
"I need you to get up, and walk slowly out the door. Act casual."
That was strange. Mako sounded...scared? Ami tried to sober up, but everything was just a little too fuzzy around the edges now.
Something wasn't right. Ami couldn't put her finger on it. She reflexively pulled out her computer and prepared to scan the room.
No. Yes. Something was very wrong. Ami couldn't concentrate on the screen. She was having trouble staying conscious. Ami started to panic. Last time she'd blacked out like this, Metaria had taken over.
This couldn't be happening again. Could it?
She shoved the Mercury Computer at Makoto. She'd planned for this. It's new emergency mode should kick in – the Senshi could still have the Computer even if she herself was gone. Especially if she was gone.
Ami concentrated harder, trying to work out what was happening. If she could think, then she could remain Ami. Her name was Mizuno Ami. Her birthday was September 10th. She was a Virgo. Her blood type was A...
She was still trying to fight up to the second she slid off the barstool and hit the floor unconscious.
A.N.
Auch Die Freude hat ihre Zeit - mostly translates to: "Even the joy/friend has its time", a phrase found on German beer steins. Once again, Ami is all in with the dark irony. Traditionally followed by the phrase "Schoene Weiber sind gute Zeitvertreiber" - "and beautiful women to help pass it"...so yeah, make of that what you will.
Welcome to the story Mako-chan! For those interested in more context for what Ami's angst-ing about regarding "that night with Mako", the story is told in my other fanfic: "Ami and Makoto- A Dark and Stormy Night" and its companion piece:"Ripple Effects on a Nanoscale".
The other events she is remembering can be found in this story's prequel "In the Darkness, She Found Herself: Ami's Story"...specifically ch 8: Endgame.
Apologies for the length of the chapter. Ami talks alot once she gets in the mood.
Sidenote: For anyone interested in philosophy, I cribbed many of the key concepts of Mako's philosophy (absurdism 101) from Albert Camus "The Myth of Sisyphus" and blended it with some quotes from the anime episode 105 "I Want Power! Mako lost in Doubt" and some of what Ami said to Urawa in season 1 episode 41 "I Won't Run Away from Love Anymore! Ami vs Mamoru"
Cheers, dear readers! We are entering the home stretch of this story now.
Up next - Chapter 15: Who and How to Fight