Walking Towards Light: Ami Redux
Act 4: Ami Redux
Chapter 19: By My Mother's Grave - wherein Ami begs an indulgence of Usagi, and frankly dear readers, so do I.
Several weeks later...
It was a beautiful spring day. The city was full of people enjoying the season – with the sunlight, festivals and fresh seasonal foods how could they not? Life was as sweet as strawberries. The scent of cherry blossoms filled the air as they have for centuries past. Thanks to the efforts of the 9 magical warriors guarding the city, the cycle of the seasons would continue ever onward.
Ami breathed deep of the fragrant spring air and smiled. Earth and flowers with a hint of rain. Her analytical mind supplied the word "petrichor", but Ami dismissed that factoid as irrelevant. The important thing was the moment itself. While she might be more attuned to winter, but she had come to love spring. It was the time for new beginnings. For the first time in a long while, she looked forward to the future. It was time to lay her ghosts to rest. Today was a day for life to begin anew.
She looked around cemetery. It was a quiet place. Ami wanted to visit her mother's grave as soon as she was able. Usagi was happy to come with her.
She couldn't move on with the future simply by forgetting her past. There were rituals she felt the need to observe. Together, she and Usagi took their time cleaning the headstone. The rational part of her brain again cut in with the thought that this was pointless, but was dismissed as well. She was a person, not an automaton. It was human nature to grieve just as it was a human virtue to learn from the past. She wanted to be here even if she couldn't explain why.
The headstone was clean now. Ami ceremonially poured a ladle of water over the headstone. The water flowed into the words carved on the stone. "Mizuno Saeko".
Ami knelt at her mother's grave and lit the incense sticks she'd just purchased. She fumbled a bit with her broken hand, but soon enough a new scent filled the air. Usagi took her cue and handed her a bouquet of white chrysanthemums to place in the headstone's attached vase.
She'd met Usagi in the spring as well. May 2nd. That was the day her life had changed forever. That was just over 10 years ago today. She's lived several lives since.
The incense burned slowly. Ami bowed once. The past was satisfied now, the future waited her to begin.
"Usagi-chan. Thank you for bringing me here. I've been looking for a chance to speak with you alone."
Ami broke the silence. She'd asked Usagi to come with her today for more than just moral support. There was something she needed to say to Usagi privately and this was the first time they've been alone together in about 6 years. Ami needed to explain herself to her first and best friend.
"I have a confession to make. I've always lied about that night with Viluy and the nanobots. When I said I didn't remember anything. I lied. I remember standing over the woman as she was dying, and just taunting her. "Machines don't have hearts. Science doesn't need hearts"...I said that to a dying woman. The last interaction she had with the world was me telling her exactly why she deserved to die. What kind of person does that make me?"
It was a rhetorical question. Ami didn't wait for Usagi to answer before continuing. Besides, she already had a good idea of what Usagi might say and that wasn't the point she was getting at anyways.
"I am someone that can stab their mother in the heart without hesitation. I can betray all my friends, abandon my responsibilities and just...detach. I knowingly and intentionally caused you all pain by my actions. I am capable of pretty much anything."
Ami said all that matter-of-factly, even with a slight smile on her face. Usagi looked confused, but kept listening anyways.
"It feels good to say that out loud... I didn't want to feel like I was lying to you, even by omission. Even now, after everything we've been through together, it's still hard to be open about this. I can't reject that darkness in me...It is a part of who I am. My power comes from my intellect. That is the gift, and the curse of who I am."
Finally. Ami got to the core of what she wanted to say. Her soft voice carried on without hesitation. She was speaking from the heart now.
"...A falcon drops out of the sky and catches a rabbit. Do we call that evil? No, because that is it's nature. Alternately, a person shoots the same rabbit. Is that evil? In both instances, the rabbit never stood a chance. The the end result is the same: the rabbit is dead.
The difference lies in that a human has the ability to reason. We can ask why. Why did they do it? To feed a family? To defend a garden? To see something die? Just because? These reasons are not alike in nature, and who is qualified to judge? The only certain thing is that unlike the falcon, a person has intellect and is thus, is capable of either good or evil.
That's where the fog begins to form in my mind. Who am I? Am I good or evil? I can't help but see both sides of the spectrum. I don't think I ever had the innocence not to.
People aren't just good and evil, light or dark. They are both. A part of me tells me to forgive myself for that. It's just human nature. Another part of me automatically takes it to the logical extreme. I should more than forgive myself. I should just cut loose and fly high above others. Survival of the fittest, morality be damned. That thought terrifies me. My mother had always raised me to be kind and responsible to others and so, I wanted to reject that thought with all my being. I tried. I really did, but I couldn't. It was a logical conclusion. I couldn't argue with that. Logically, being human intrinsically means being capable of evil so why should I resist?
I dealt with the fear the only way I knew how. I constantly analyzed things. If could understand, then maybe, I could control things. I asked questions. What if I'm wrong? Am I just making excuses? Am I the only one that feels this way? What if I'm not good enough? What if I hurt someone? What if I just didn't care anymore? The more I asked, the less I understood. I always had more questions. Ten million questions, day in day out. It's exhausting. There was nothing I could believe in. I couldn't help it.
Sometimes, I question so much that when life actually does happen, I didn't care anymore. I'd already lived it a thousand times in my head.
Days would just drag out, hours, minutes, seconds, all heading to the same end. Life felt like a waste of time. Until I met you, I didn't have much motivation to do more than just go through the motions of life. I imitated the outside world well enough, but I never felt truly a part of it. I felt alone. Academics became my only refuge. It was the only area where there were right and wrong answers. I could excel and not hurt anyone in the process. It was a relief, but I knew it would not last forever. I thought that eventually, the day would come that it would be easier to be the falcon and take off into the blue. I'd still be lonely out there, but at least I could fly.
That's who I am at my core. That is who I was when we first met, and that is who I will always be in some way. It wasn't until I met you that realized there was more. You showed me how to believe.
I saw in you someone who a reason to get up in the morning everyday. You believed in yourself, and in the possibility of tomorrow, even though there is objectively no reason for anyone to do that. I wanted so much to understand how. You showed me by example. The answer was love. You love this world, and the people in it. All the ones in your life, the ones you have yet to meet and even the ones that you will never meet. Life...love...that was something I've always had trouble with. It seemed too much a miraculous thing and I was too smart to believe in miracles. I learned better after I met you.
It was the most amazing revelation that the world had a heart as beautiful as yours. You were proof that miracles were possible. You are a miracle Usagi. I still think back to the day we met and wonder who I'd be if things hadn't happened exactly as they did.
That day in the arcade, did you know that you were the first person to call me 'Ami' in years? Just hearing someone say my name aside from my mother...it was a reminder, and a gift.
That's everything I needed. A simple reminder that I was a person, and that being a person wasn't so bad because humans were capable of love. You taught me the at love was a mystery that didn't need to be solved. I understood then that the joy of finding out what happens next was your reason for living.
I started to open myself up to the possibility that I could share in that too. We became Senshi together then we met all the rest of our friends. It was wonderful. My life had meaning, and I was finally doing something that I could be proud of myself for. Sure, there were difficult times too, but it was all worth it. We always came though it together. I was happy then and the future seemed bright.
Then suddenly, I lost all that. I killed my mother. For you. I stopped believing in love altogether. What good was love, when it forced me to choose? My mother, who loved me, or my Princess, whom I loved? We both know what happened next. I killed my own mother in the name of love.
Love led to pain. I felt betrayed by that and I wanted no part in it. That was my life while I was away. It was cold and empty, but it was mine. The only person that I was responsible to was myself. No one to please or disappoint or protect or care about. It was easier to be alone.
It was freedom in a sense. That seemed better than the alternative. I couldn't stay here. Being in Tokyo, with you and Mako and the others...I was chained to my life.
When you looked at me, you knew me as Ami. You knew that I had chosen you over my own mother and that you hurt for me. It was unbearable. It made more sense to hate you instead. You made everything too real. I was angry, and I was scared...the kinds of thoughts running through my head at the time...I hated you Usagi. You taught me to love, recklessly and without thought for consequences. Look where that got me.
Gods. How I wanted you to know exactly what I was feeling.
I couldn't stand to be around you when I was like that. Somehow, I was still afraid you would judge me for what how I felt, or worse, that I would act on my hate. I knew by then exactly what I was capable of.
I felt guilty for being who I am, while simultaneously feeling angry for not being myself. That's why I ran away 6 years ago. I couldn't take it anymore.
That night under Mugen, when Metaria sprung her trap, she spoke to me. She offered me an end to that guilt. A simple solution: Give up my humanity, and just...take off into the blue. No more fear, no more doubt. Power to do anything I desired. True freedom. Am I evil because I wanted that? I hid that side of me so deep that I never learned how to live with it.
By refusing to acknowledge my fears, I made myself vulnerable to Metaria. She preys on fear. She twists and manipulates it until it becomes intertwined with your every thought.
I need to thank Metaria in a way, because she brought me back to Tokyo. Seeing all of you. I started to feel again. I suppose she didn't understand what love was, or else she would have never sent me back as bait to draw out the rest of the Senshi. I'm speculating here, but I think it was her intention to use my body to kill all of you. That would have sealed me to her as a willing host forever. I know I wouldn't have been able to live with myself after that. Killing my mother broke me once already, and the very idea of hurting you was already overwhelming.
I'm glad she made that mistake though, because when I saw you and all the people I left behind, it reminded me that love was a good thing. I remembered all the times you've saved us and the world with the power of your love. I knew then that I could never hate you. That was the hope I needed to fight back.
I don't need to remind you of everything that has happened recently. I know that I was a complete mess coming back. I'm so thankful to have friends who would stay at my side even after everything I've put you all through. It's hard to call that anything but a miracle. Rei focused my anger, Minako showed me how to properly make amends, and Mako gave me the strength to keep fighting.
When I was trapped in that office with Pandora...I confess, even with all of your support, I still thought of killing Pandora. I didn't expect to make it out alive, but taht didn't seem relevant. I hated the Dark Kingdom so much that I was willing to lose myself for the sake of vengeance.
Jupiter's message pulled me back from that edge. My friends were coming for me, I had to survive for their sake. It was so simple. Just 5 words. 'Coming to you, stay alive'...but it gave me hope, and purpose. The message got through to me. Seeing her use Beryl's orb reminded me who the true enemy was, and more importantly, I thought of how you all saved my life over and over again. I knew then that I couldn't throw that all away for nothing. As much as I wanted to reject it at times, I still loved you all so much.
When Pandora's youma threatened your lives, I used my powers to stop it. It was a closer thing than I'd care to admit. Seeing Pandora's back turned, I knew I could have killed her right then and there...but I knew that you were coming. You were all about to step into a death trap. I couldn't stand the idea of that happening.
I got angry, not for myself, or for anything that happened to me, but because the people I cared about were in danger. That distinction made all the difference. I was able to reach into that emotion for power. I've always stopped myself from doing so before because I was afraid to.
I wanted to use the power I had as a means to protect the people I love, rather than as a weapon to hurt my enemies. My perceptive changed. I am a solider, not a killer. I was finally able to forgive myself for my mother's death then. I can begin to mourn her properly now. I didn't kill her because I loved you more. She died because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
That understanding was far more important than any satisfaction I could have gained from petty revenge in killing Pandora. She was already a broken woman. When I saw you. I knew you could heal her. I had hope. I believed again, and if I could be saved, then maybe Pandora could too.
It has been difficult to say the least over the past 6 years, but I am better for having faced it instead of running away. I will always miss my mother. She was my hero growing up. She taught me respect and responsibility for others. Without her, I wouldn't be here today. She called me her hero too once. I would like to honour her memory by being that hero once again."
With the weight of that confession off her chest, Ami felt so light it was almost a physical feeling. Letting go of that burden, she was free to stand tall, jump, laugh, run, sing, dance. Anything at all. Maybe this is what happiness felt like.
Ami looked around, taken with a sudden sense of whimsy. This seemed as good a place as any for what she had in mind.
"One more thing. Usagi, I know you don't like this sort of thing, but forgive me one indulgence."
Ami winked at Usagi as she formally dropped to one knee. A senshi before her Princess. Maybe she'd been hanging around Haruka and Michiru too much, but this seemed appropriate for the here and now.
"I, Mizuno Ami, Sailor Mercury, soldier of Love and Intellect, hereby swear to fight for love and justice and to protect the innocent. I will always remain at your side and protect you from harm. You've saved my life and countless others with the power of your love. I swear, by my guardian planet, from now on, I will try live in a way that honours your philosophy, both with myself and with others."
The playfulness faded away as Ami got to her point. She was dead serious now.
"I needed to be honest about who I am before I made this request. Do you trust me to stand at your side again Usagi? You and the Senshi are the most important people in the world to me. No more running away. No more giving up. I am Mizuno Ami. I promise, I will always be here for you. Will you accept me as I am?"
Usagi fell on Ami in a giant hug.
"Ami-chan! Of course! I love you too. I never doubted you. I'm so glad you're ok! Thank you for sharing all that. I love you. You belong here. No matter what."
The incense had burned out by now. The two friends laughed as they left the cemetery together. For one, laughter was the language of her soul. The sound of joy came as easily to Usagi as breathing. For the other, it was a new day and a new beginning. Her name was Mizuno Ami, and she had a life to look forward to.
A.N.
That's it Ami. Tell us how you really feel.
That was a 2000 word monologue. That's the indulgence this humble author asked of you all earlier.
*exhales* Wow. This is it. The emotional arc of this story has come to an end. Its been a long 19 chapter, 40 000 word journey to acceptance with Ami. I sincerely thank you dear readers for coming along on my biggest Sailor Moon fan fiction yet.
Of course, life goes on. One more epilogue chapter coming up.
As usual, Reviews and PMs are welcome.
Special thanks to everyone who I've had a chance to correspond with over the course of this story. Cheers to you all.