Bucky chooses not to tell anyone about Zola's experiments on him. He gives the official report, telling Colonel Phillip and Agent Carter the Zola used him for physical and psychological torture. Agent Carter gives him a strange look when he tells them he doesn't know Zola's purpose but she looks away when Steve enters the tent. Bucky knows his mental state is unmistakable, so he blames it on combat exhaustion and the psychiatrist that inevitably sees him agrees. Steve says nothing. He only collects Bucky and directs him to his personal quarters to rest.
Bucky can't sleep.
He spends days lying awake hoping that sleep will come but all he can think about is the table and the straps that held him down. Papers Rustling. Footsteps. Pain. Silence.
Barnes, James Buchanan.
Sergeant.
Three-two-five-five-seven-zero-three-eight.
He doesn't realize he's whispering it out loud until someone is poking him, shaking him, telling him to wake up.
Wake up.
No. Too much. He doesn't want anymore. He can't take another round of the injections. The pain. The silence. To not feel anything, yet be aware of everything. He lashes out blindly. His fist connects with solid flesh.
Steve's black eye lasts two days and Agent Carter doesn't understand why it isn't gone in just a few hours.
Bucky only feels nauseous as he's sent to London for recuperation.
Almost a month of R&R passes and Bucky finds himself growing more and more restless. The other guys, Dugan, Falsworth, Dernier, and the others seem happy enough to waste away in the pub at all hours of the day. But Bucky can't make himself enjoy more than a few hours with them. Its not that he doesn't want too. It's just that it's easier being away from them. It's hard to conceal bloodshot eyes and shaking hands from the smartest men in the allied army.
It's even harder to hide from Steve.
A part of him screams no when Steve asks him to go back into battle with him. But another part says yes. The part that can heal wounds faster than they should. The part that can give Steve a black eye. The part that becomes more and more restless with each day in London. That's the part that says yes. And before he knows it, Bucky finds himself telling Steve that he'll go to war with him, but only if he promises to stay the Steve that he knew in Brooklyn. The Steve that saved him from Zola's laboratory.
And he has to keep the costume.
Steve agrees.
Bucky laughs.
It's a hollow laugh, tired and strained. He knows Steve is going to say something. Bucky feels his chest tightening at the thought of it. He's beyond relieved when Agent Carter walks in wearing a red dress that looks just close to perfect on her.
She talks to Steve. Bucky tries his hand at flirting with her. She's a pretty dame and he hopes that his failure or success –he's an optimistic sort of guy– will keep Steve off his back at least for a little while. He fails spectacularly. Agent Carter is absolutely smitten with Steve and he's completely into her. Bucky pretends to let it bother him but he's actually quite proud and a little relieved too. He knows he's a mess. He really doesn't want to bother with girls right now. Agent Carter leaves. Bucky complains about her ignoring him.
Steve buys him another drink.
He's too tired to finish it.
A/N:
Well would ya lookit that. I made a second chapter for something I thought was sort of sucky. Guess my head says its good? That or my brain refuses to let go of it. I've sort of got a 3rd chapter getting mapped out in my head so this may actually go on.