A/N: Oh my goodness! 45 reviews! Most ever! Thank you so much to everyone who left a review! I was so excited to hear from each and every one of you. Thank you for reading!
Now, are you ready for the explosion, the blast, the fireworks? You better be...So, fasten your seatbelts and come along for this ride!
P.S. There's a small time jump in this chapter, but you'll realize that as you read this...
7th September, 2006
Derek's eyes slowly opened and he took in his surroundings. His old, familiar bedroom, his indigo curtains that were drawn across his bedroom window, shutting out the light. He turned his eyes towards his right and a smile immediately touched his lips. Meredith was lying next to him, her head on his shoulder, her right arm draped across his torso, fast asleep and letting out loud snores – snores that Derek had grown habituated to in the past month.
He tried to move his arm a little because it was tingling and numb from pillowing Meredith's head all night long, but he stopped as soon as Meredith moaned softly in her sleep. She cuddled a little more into his side and Derek smiled, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her further close. Sleeping with Meredith like that had become a habit – a habit that he could never get tired of. He loved sleeping with Meredith like that, period. Didn't matter that his arm had fallen asleep as well and felt completely numb. Meredith looked adorably gorgeous while sleeping like that, and he wasn't about to wake up his cherub from her sleep.
His cherub. As soon as the thought entered Derek's mind, he felt a tremendous amount of guilt hit him like a ton of bricks. The smile faded from his lips instantly. Everything with Meredith felt so damn right, and that, was what felt incredibly wrong. And Derek didn't know why.
Or maybe he did. The reason was simple. Two words. Diary Girl. He felt like he was cheating on Diary Girl whenever he was with Meredith. Which led to him feeling incredibly guilty whenever he spent time with Meredith.
Derek wasn't going to deny it anymore. There was a constant war going on inside him. A war of conflicting emotions and thoughts, a war of what was right and what was wrong, a war of what he was doing and what he should be doing. And everything that was going on inside his head only served to confuse him as hell and drove him nuts.
However, before the perpetual war inside Derek got going once again, Meredith stirred next to him, distracting him momentarily from his thoughts.
"Mmmm..." Meredith moaned, stretching beside him like a cat.
"Hey, sleepyhead," Derek said, his face creasing into a smile. "Good morning."
"Goooood morning," Meredith drawled out lazily in a husky voice, squinting her eyes and yawning loudly.
"Did you sleep well?" Derek asked, wrapping his arms around her body and pulling her in for a 'good morning' kiss.
"Mm...Yes, I did," Meredith said as Derek pressed his lips against hers and Meredith pushed him away promptly. "You know I always sleep well with you."
"What?" Derek asked, all his worries and confusion forgotten for the moment.
"Morning breath, Derek," Meredith grumbled with a roll of her eyes. "How many times have I told you to brush your teeth before giving me my good morning kiss?" she asked sternly, sitting up and placing her hands on her hips.
"Ok, ok, I'm sorry," Derek said.
"Only sorry is not gonna cut it. Go and brush your teeth," Meredith said. "Now," she stressed, pulling at his arm.
"Can we cuddle a few more minutes?" Derek asked, giving her his best puppy dog look.
"No," Meredith said with a laugh, "I want my good morning kiss, so you have to go and brush your teeth right now. Then, you can come back and we can spoon and cuddle to your heart's content."
Derek let out a dramatic sigh as he finally allowed Meredith to pull him up. Throwing off the blankets, he climbed out of bed and gave Meredith another puppy dog look.
"Get going, you lazybones," Meredith said with a giggle and pushed Derek away. He grunted and padded his way to the bathroom. Sticking out his tongue at Meredith, he disappeared behind the door of the bathroom.
Meredith smiled as she watched Derek disappear behind the bathroom door. She had got habituated to this over the past month. This playful banter between her and Derek. Sleeping and cuddling with Derek in his bed. Teasing him about his awful morning breath that she had discovered during one of their early sleepovers. Everything with Derek felt awfully right and normal. It felt routine and exciting, right and wrong, all at the same time. She felt incredibly safe and comfortable with Derek, and that was what felt most wrong.
The reason was quite simple if Meredith stopped lying to herself now. Two words. Diary Guy. Whenever she was with Derek, she felt guilty. She felt like she was cheating on Diary Guy. But, how could she cheat on someone she had never even met? How could she cheat on someone whose name was still unknown to her?
Meredith felt confused. When she was with Derek, she felt guilty. When she was not with Derek, she felt confused as to why she felt guilty in the first place. This constant battle of confusion and guilt mingled with her feelings for Derek and Diary Guy was driving Meredith crazy. Meredith was sure of it. She was officially going crazy, and if she didn't talk to someone about it soon, she would have to be admitted to an asylum or something.
Climbing out of bed, Meredith grabbed her bag from the sofa and pulled out the little black diary that was the root of all her problems. Derek had gone in to brush his teeth, and knowing him and his habits, Meredith was sure he would at least take twenty minutes to come out of the bathroom. Which gave Meredith time to drink in the words of the perfect stranger whom she had miraculously grown attached to.
Opening the diary, Meredith started to read the very last entry. As she drank in the words written on the white pages in blue ink, she had an epiphany. Derek and Diary Guy were similar in so many ways. She had never realized that before. They were incredibly similar, and yet, so incredibly different too.
If Meredith had to list the similarities between Derek and Diary Guy, she would have a number of them. Both Derek and Diary Guy loved books, they both worked at a hospice, both of their moms had passed away when they were young, both of them had a sister each. If Meredith didn't know better, she could very well say that Derek and Diary Guy were the same person.
But, Meredith knew better. Meredith knew everything, all but everything about Diary Guy and his life, except his name and actual whereabouts. But, Derek? Derek was a different story. He was a great guy, he was a wonderful guy, but he was not a very candid guy. He didn't talk much about his personal life. In fact, Meredith barely knew anything about Derek's personal life other than the facts that he had a sister named Amelia and that his mom had passed away when he had been really young. She had no idea how his mom had died. She had no idea where his dad was. Derek never ever talked about his dad. Or anything family related.
Meredith didn't talk much about her personal life with Derek either. She didn't talk about her mom, or her mom's Alzheimer's, or her stepmom, or her introverted nature. It had been an entire month since she and Derek had started dating. And basically, all she and Derek had talked about in that whole month were books, music, movies, pets, how much they loved Seattle, how much they loved the fall, work, grocery shopping and books. They had barely touched any personal topic in the entire month they had been dating. It was like both Meredith and Derek had erected walls around themselves, and neither wanted to take those walls down.
And, in spite of everything, Meredith and Derek never ran out of things to say to each other. They were always talking, always bantering, and always ribbing each other. Meredith had never felt as safe with anyone as she felt with Derek. She practically lived with Derek now. She had her toothbrush and her lavender shampoo in Derek's bathroom, right next to all his hair products, and she had her pyjamas and some clothes in Derek's dresser. She slept over at Derek's almost every night. They still hadn't crossed the line though. The line that Meredith had drawn. They might sleep in the same bed and kiss and cuddle and spoon, but they didn't do anything more than that. Derek had never tried to feel her up or be more intimate with her, and Meredith was happy that he hadn't. She was happy with the way her and Derek's relationship was, she felt safe with him, but she was still not ready to cross the line and have sex with him. She and Derek had created a new definition of intimacy and domesticity – one that didn't involve sex or knowing everything about each other. For them, knowing the little things about each other – the quirks, the idiosyncrasies, the fads, the likes and the dislikes – was enough. That was all that mattered.
But, what about Diary Guy? Meredith's confusion knew no bounds when it came to Diary Guy and Derek. She couldn't fully commit to Derek because of Diary Guy, and the chances of her ever meeting Diary Guy were slim to none. What was she going to do? That was the only thought in Meredith's head as she finished reading the last diary entry and snapped the diary shut.
15th September, 2006
"Can I steal you for a minute?" a voice asked.
Meredith immediately recognized the voice without looking up from the book that she was reading. She could recognize that voice even in her sleep now. A smile crept up on her lips as she put her book down and looked up, her eyes locking onto a pair of piercing blue ones. She was sitting behind her usual desk at the Seattle Public Library, reading a new title. It was a sunny Wednesday morning and the weather matched Meredith's mood to the nines. Bright and shiny.
"Well, Mr. Shepherd," she said, leaning forward, "I'm at work right now. I'm sure that readers stealing me away during work is against the rules of the library."
"C'mon," he said cajolingly, "Mrs. Smith is on a break right now. I'm sure that you can take a small break to suggest me a good book too. We are dating, after all. It falls in my jurisdiction."
"Oh really?" Meredith said, quirking an eyebrow. "It falls in your jurisdiction?" She stood up and made her way to the other side of the desk.
"Mmhmm," Derek said with a smirk, grabbing her hand to pull her closer.
"Derek!" Meredith exclaimed, slapping his hand away and glancing around in all the directions. All the readers seemed to be busy with – well, their reading. "What are you doing? How many times have I told you? No PDA in the library. I hate PDA," Meredith said, throwing a glare in his direction.
"But, you are not coming with me. I need help choosing a book," Derek said as innocently as possible, "And who can suggest me a better book than my own Library Girl?"
"Fine, I'm coming with you," Meredith said, trying her best not to smile. She and Derek had recently told each other how they had named each other "Library Girl" and "Library Guy." And Derek was always so damn adorable. And sexy. Adorable and sexy. An enticing paradox.
The twosome walked towards the back of the library where it was a little secluded.
"So...What are you in the mood for today?" Meredith asked as Derek sat down on a chair at a table in the corner.
"I don't know...Something romantic, I guess," Derek said, winking at her.
A blush and a secret smile crept up on Meredith's face, but she turned away to hide it.
"If you are in the mood for a love story, then I recommend 'The Notebook' by Nicholas Sparks. Best love story ever, in my humble opinion. But," Meredith said, "Since you have already read it, here." Meredith took out a book from the shelf and placed it gently on Derek's desk.
"What's this?"
"Sequel to 'The Notebook.' 'The Wedding' by Nicholas Sparks," Meredith said, brushing her hands and sitting down in the chair facing Derek. "It's a good love story too."
"Hmm..." Derek hummed as he took the book and opened the first page.
"Derek?" Meredith said, placing her elbows on the table and leaning toward him.
"Yes?" Derek said, looking up from the book.
"Why?"
"Why?!" Derek asked. "What why?"
"You know, we talk a lot about a lot of books. But, we never talk about why we love books. So, I am asking you. Why do you love books so much?" Meredith asked, resting her chin on her knuckles.
Derek closed the book and stayed silent for a good, long minute. Then, he said, "For me, books are an escape. Books are like...like rabbit holes. I can lose myself in the rabbit hole of a book and tune out everything else. The world, my worries, my woes, everything. I can just bury myself in the book and forget about this world. I can...I can experience things that I have never done, through books. When I read a book, it's like I get transported to a different world. A world where my mom didn't die and my dad didn't..." Derek didn't finish his sentence and Meredith knew he wasn't going to. He had bared too much.
"For me," Meredith started to say in order to cover up Derek's last sentence, "books are my best friend. I never had a best friend growing up, except my sister. And don't take me wrong, my sister is great. She is a great friend. But, you need friends outside your own family too. But, I never had that. So, books became my best friend. And if you ask me, books are the greatest best friend ever. They are always with you, by your side, without any questions, without being judgemental. And needless to say, books are great advisors too."
Derek smiled at her – one of his classic, dreamy smiles that reached his eyes and made them sparkle or twinkle or whatever. Meredith's breath caught in her throat, just like it did every time he smiled at her like that. And along with that, Meredith had another epiphany. It was the first time she and Derek had talked about something remotely personal. Well, books were a personal topic for both of them, but still...Meredith couldn't explain it in words. She just felt like she and Derek had set a new definition to their month-long relationship.
16th September, 2006
"I can't believe you brought me to The Georgian," Lexie said as she and Mark seated themselves at their table. Mark had asked her out to dinner the previous day, but Lexie had never imagined that he would bring her to one of the top-notch restaurants of Seattle. She had never tried to hide her love for French cuisine from him, but still...Dining at The Georgian with Mark was like something out of a dream.
"Only the best for you, babe," Mark said with a smirk.
"And there goes your larger than life ego," Lexie said with a roll of her eyes, even though her lips were stretched into a smile. "I can't believe I'm stroking your ego."
"You can stroke something else of mine after dinner tonight, if you like to," Mark said in a low voice, leaning closer to her.
A faint blush crept up on Lexie's cheeks and she smiled. She hadn't had sex with Mark since the Julie or Julia or whatever incident. And while she was happy basking in the glow of Mark's courtship, she was ready and more than eager to consummate their love.
"It depends," Lexie said cryptically.
"On what?"
"Well, the dinner and how you behave," Lexie said.
"I always behave," Mark said as Lexie straightened his tie. "And you are gonna love the dinner."
"You are lucky you are dating me," Lexie remarked. "Meredith would have a heart attack if any guy ever brought her to such a fancy and high-end place."
"Your half-sister doesn't like fancy restaurants?" Mark asked.
"Mark," Lexie said with a glare, "How many times have I told you not to call Mer my half-sister? She is my sister, my own sister."
"Ok, ok, sorry," Mark said apologetically. "Meredith doesn't like fancy restaurants?"
"No. She absolutely hates them. She says that fancy places nauseate her," Lexie said with a small chuckle.
"What?" Mark said, taken aback. "But, I thought all women love dressing up, and fancy places give them an excuse to."
"Mer's not like that," Lexie said with a fond smile. "My sister is not like other girls. She is different. Unique. Can't be replaced."
"I still don't understand. How could she hate fancy restaurants? Everybody loves them."
"You won't understand," Lexie said condescendingly. "It's a sisterly thing," she said with a laugh but quickly sobered up.
Mark noticed the sudden shift in Lexie's expression. She had suddenly gone from all smiles to sombre and pensive.
"Hey," he said softly, taking Lexie's hand. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, nothing," Lexie said, shaking her head. "I'm just really happy for Mer. She's dating this guy and she seems to be really happy with him. But...Sometimes, I miss her. We don't really get to spend much time together anymore. Am I selfish for wanting to spend time with her when she is so happy in her life?"
"Not at all, Lex," Mark said, "You have every right to miss her. You two are really close. I bet she feels the same way."
"I know she feels the same way. I'm busy with you and she is busy with her Library Guy, and you guys are coming between us sisters," Lexie joked.
"Library Guy?" Mark asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah. She's dating a guy she met at the library she works at."
"Does he have a name?" Mark queried curiously.
"Of course, he does, silly man," Lexie said with a laugh, "His name is Derek Shepherd. But, back when Mer didn't know his name, she and I used to call him Library Guy. And the name stuck."
Mark's face froze. He stared at Lexie agape for a few minutes.
"Mark, are you alright? What's wrong?"
"Did you just say Derek Shepherd?" Mark said, stunned.
"Yeah, why?"
"Lex," Mark said, "Do you remember my friend, Derek Shepherd, whom I introduced you to at Amelia and Owen's engagement party? Amelia's bro and my and Owen's friend? I told you every trio has a geek and he was the one in ours?"
Lexie furrowed her eyebrows for a minute, before her mouth fell open. "Oh yes! I remember that Derek Shepherd! The one with the reallyyyy perfect hair and dreamy smile and eyes," Lexie exclaimed.
"How many Derek Shepherds do you think live in Seattle?" Mark asked.
"I dunno. A few," Lexie said.
"And how many of them are book geeks?"
"Your friend is dating my sister!" Lexie exclaimed, half laughing, clapping her hands to her mouth.
"Yes. Yes, he is," Mark said. "I'm gonna beat that jackass up once I meet him! He didn't even tell me that he was dating."
"Mark! Do you know how happy I am right now?!" Lexie said, throwing her arms around Mark's neck. "God, how could I not add 2 and 2 and realize that the Derek Shepherd Mer's dating is the dreamy Derek Shepherd I met at the party?! Well, in my defence, I had drunk a lot of wine that night, and it's one of the nights I don't ever want to remember. But, this...this is spectacular! And please don't beat Derek up. My sis is dating him. Mr. McDreamy. I don't want his good looks to be spoiled," Lexie said, laughing as she hugged Mark.
"Ok," Mark said, "I have to ask this for my friend's sake. Meredith is a nice girl, right?"
"Mark," Lexie said, pulling back from the hug, "Mer's the best girl Derek can ever get! Even I am not as great as her! And from what I have heard of Derek from you and Mer, those two are perfect for each other!"
"For me, you are the best and the greatest girl," Mark said, still disgruntled about the fact that he had been kept in the dark by Derek.
"Aww...Thanks, sweetie. That was real cheesy of you," Lexie said, pressing her lips to Mark's.
"So...What did your sister tell you? She and Derek serious or not?" Mark mumbled against Lexie's mouth. He knew his friend. He knew his friend well. And Derek was not a guy who did serious relationships. Mark still remembered the last girl whose heart Derek had broken. Lexie might be over the moon on realizing that Derek was dating her sister, but Mark was worried as hell. Because if Derek broke Meredith's heart...It would probably be over for him and Lexie as well.
"Mer doesn't talk much about their relationship status, or their relationship as such, but I think they are pretty serious. Meredith spends night after night over at Derek's place. She practically lives at his place now. You know, she has her clothes and stuff there. Why do you think I don't get to spend time with my sister anymore? Your dreamy geek of a friend has stolen my sister's heart," Lexie said with a contented grin.
My dreamy geek of a friend has stolen the hearts of many girls before and then broken them, Mark said inwardly. He just wished and hoped and prayed that Lexie had misinterpreted Derek and Meredith's relationship. Or that Derek had had a change of heart like Mark himself had had. Because if Derek was playing with Meredith's emotions like he had with his ex-girlfriends, then both he and Mark were in hot water.
24th September, 2006
Derek shut the door of his car and walked up to the porch. It had been weeks since he had last visited his sister. He knew that Amy and Owen were crazy in love and deliriously happy, but he still felt the need to check up on his little sister. He was his big brother, after all. No matter how happy she was, he would always worry about her. It was just him and her against the world. Pressing the button, he heard the doorbell ringing and heard shuffling sounds coming from inside. Derek hoped he had not come at the wrong time. Damn. He should have come with intimation of his arrival.
The door swung open and Derek opened his mouth to say something, but froze midway. Amelia's face was telling a different story. A story that Derek had not expected to hear when he arrived there.
"Ames, are you crying?" Derek asked, walking inside the apartment and slinging the bottle of wine wherever.
"No, no, no. I – I'm not cry – crying," Amelia said amidst hiccups, her eyes puffy and swollen.
"Ames," Derek said, wrapping his arms around his little sister tightly and pulling her into a bear hug. Derek's mind was working a mile a minute. There were a thousand questions in his mind. Why was Amy crying? Where was Owen? Had something happened between her and Owen? But, Derek knew that his questions could wait till Amelia stopped crying.
Amelia hiccupped and sobbed in Derek's shoulder for a long, long time before finally letting go of him.
"Come, sit," Derek whispered, guiding his sister to the couch. He noticed an empty box of tissues sitting on the end table, and a waste paper basket filled with used-up tissues. So, Amy had been crying for a while now. What could have happened between her and Owen that had reduced her to buckets of tears? Had Owen...No, Owen was not that type of guy. He would never lay a finger on Amelia.
"Ames," Derek said after he and Amelia had settled on the couch, "What's wrong? Why are you crying? Where is Owen?"
The mere mention of Owen's name caused another outburst of tears. Derek enveloped Amelia into a hug again and held onto her till she stopped crying.
"Amy, you have got me really really worried now. Please tell me what's wrong."
"O – Owen is gone," Amelia said, bursting into tears again.
"What?!" Derek's mouth fell open. He felt like a ton of bricks had hit him. "What do you mean by he is gone? Where did he go?"
"I – I don't know," Amelia said amidst sobs.
"Ames, can you please tell me what happened from the start?" Derek asked.
"I c – came home from college and found Owen on the couch, drinking. His face was sombre. He looked upset. Wh – When I asked him if he was okay, he snapped that he was not. Then he apologized to me. I thought he was saying sorry for snapping at me. But...but, he pulled me close and said...that...that...he had met Teddy at the hospital today. Teddy Altman – his ex-fiancée. He told me that she has taken a job at his hospital. I couldn't understand why seeing his ex was so upsetting to him, since he had left his past behind. Until he told me that...that..." Amelia couldn't continue anymore as she burst into another fit of tears.
"Told you what, Ames?" Derek prodded.
"He – he told me that he still harbours feelings for Teddy. He told me that he still loves her. He said it to my face. And then he told me that he loves me too, but seeing Teddy had stirred old feelings in him. He told me that he was having second thoughts about...u – us," Amelia finished on a sob.
"Amy, look at me. Did he cheat on you? Because if he did, I'm gonna hunt him down and kill him –"
"No. He didn't cheat on me. I asked him that and he told me that he didn't cheat on me. But, he said that he needed to rethink things. He said that he was in a dilemma. He said that he knew he has to choose one of us, but he is unable to choose because he loves both her and me. He said that he needed space, time, a few days away from both me and Teddy so that he can decide. And then he left. He left and I just stared until his car disappeared. I couldn't stop him. I didn't have it in me. He said a lot of other crap too, but that's the point of it," Amelia said, sniffling.
When Derek remained silent, Amelia continued, "How could he do this to me, Der? He is engaged to me. He said he loves me. How can he love his ex then? How can he love the both of us? How can he love two people at the same time? And how am I supposed to share his love? The love I deserve? He expects I can share it with Teddy? Bullshit."
As Derek heard his sister's rant, he had an epiphany. A spot on epiphany. He and Owen were in the same situation. They were travelling in the same boat. Owen was torn between Teddy and Amelia, and Derek – he was torn between Meredith and Diary Girl. Yes, Derek had fallen in love with Diary Girl. He couldn't deny it anymore, no matter how much he wanted to. He had fallen head over heels in love with Diary Girl. And Meredith? He was falling for her too. Not head over heels, maybe. But, slowly, gradually. He was falling for Meredith. Who was he kidding? He had already fallen for Meredith. He loved her. And Diary Girl. He loved both of them. And he had no idea who to choose, especially when there was no choice to be made. He had never met Diary Girl. Heck, he didn't even know her name. What choice was there to be made then?
"Amy," Derek said softly, "Listen to me very carefully. I know you are hurting right now, but you have to try to understand Owen's situation. You can love two people at the same time. Just because you love me doesn't mean you don't love Owen, does it? It's like that, well, kind of. But, Owen has to make a choice. And even though it's a very difficult choice for him, he will ultimately choose the one he loves more. Because, even though you can love two people at the same time, you can't love them equally. There's always someone you love more."
Amelia stared at her brother for a few minutes before murmuring, "But, Der, what if...What if he loves Teddy more? I – I don't know how to share Owen's love, but I would better share it than have none of it at all."
"He loves you, Amelia. You have to be content with that right now. The ultimate choice – that lies in Owen's hands. Whomever he chooses, you have to accept it with a brave smile and keep your chin up. Remember, your happiness lies in the happiness of those you love. If Owen is happy with Teddy, you have to learn how to be happy in his happiness," Derek said, "I know it's not fair to you. But, that's the way things are, Ames. That's the way life is. Totally unfair."
Amelia looked down at the floor for a couple of minutes. Then, she threw her arms around her brother and pillowed her head on his chest, hiding from everything.
30th September, 2006
Meredith woke up to the sound of her phone beeping on the bedside table. She rolled over in bed and grabbed her phone. She had a new text message. Her phone was showing the time to be 6.30 in the morning. Who was texting her so early in the morning? Meredith rubbed her eyes as she opened the message and read it.
"Just the thought of you brightens up my morning. Good morning – Derek."
A smile touched Meredith's lips as she read the text. Derek was a hopeless, incurable romantic. She had spent one night away from him and he had sent her a good morning text message as early as possible the next morning. Nevertheless, Meredith loved his cheesiness. She loved his small gestures of love.
Wait a second, what had she just thought to herself? Love? Derek? No, that was...She liked Derek, she really liked Derek and cared for him. He made her feel things that she had never felt before. He gave her tiny, beautiful butterflies in her stomach every time he smiled at her or gave her his classic McDreamy look. But, love? No, she was not in love with Derek. Was she? How could she completely rule out that possibility though? She could be in love with Derek. Derek was a great guy. He was a very lovable guy.
And just as that thought entered Meredith's mind, another thought came rushing in too. Diary Guy. Meredith felt a tremendous amount of guilt on thinking about the possibility of being in love with Derek. Because Diary Guy's diary was still there and she was emotionally attached to it or something.
Who was Meredith kidding? She was not emotionally attached to that little black notebook. She lived off the words scribed in that little black notebook. She couldn't spend a day without reading that little black notebook. She had re-read that little black notebook almost ten times already.
Before Meredith's train of thought could reach its next destination, a knock on her door brought her back to reality.
"Are you still sleeping?" Lexie's voice came from the doorway as she peeped her head through the opening.
"No, I'm awake. Come on in," Meredith replied in a raspy voice.
"Good morning," Lexie said in a cheerful voice as she came and lay down beside Meredith. "What are you doing with your phone?"
"I –"But before Meredith could answer, Lexie had snatched the phone from her hand.
"Oooooh, a romantic good morning message from Library Guy!" Lexie said, grinning at Meredith. "Someone's trying very hard to impress my sister."
Meredith bit her bottom lip and pondered whether she should tell Lexie about her dilemma. She had hidden Diary Guy from Lexie and the world for so long, but now, Meredith felt like she would burst at the seams if she didn't tell Lexie about her confusion.
"Lex?"
"Yeah?"
"I have to tell you something."
"Mer," Lexie said with a wide grin, "I know what you are going to say."
"You do?" Meredith asked, nonplussed.
"Yup. You have fallen for Derek," Lexie stated.
Lexie's statement caused Meredith's heart to flutter wildly in her chest. Lexie had said a big thing. How could Lexie know that she had fallen for Derek, when she herself was unsure about it?
"How do you know that?" Meredith challenged.
"Mer..." Lexie said with a sigh and then said, "Stop fighting your feelings. Have you even looked at yourself in the mirror in the last month? You used to be – don't take this the wrong way – you used to be pessimistic, gloom and doom, shy, taciturn, reserved Meredith before meeting Derek. But now? Now, you talk a lot more, you laugh a lot more, you remain cheerful and happy. You are more optimistic about life. You are free, carefree. It's like...It's like Derek has changed your entire outlook towards life. He hasn't changed who you are. He has just changed a few elements in you and made you this different, happier person. How can you say that you have not fallen in love with Derek then?"
Meredith swallowed thickly as she digested Lexie's words. Her insides churned. It was true. When she was with Derek, she felt happy and carefree. Lexie was right. Meredith had fallen in love with Derek. But, there was one place where Lexie was wrong. Derek hadn't changed Meredith's outlook towards life. Derek just made her happy. It was Diary Guy and his inspiring words that had changed Meredith's outlook towards life. Diary Guy always had always kept his chin up as he had braved nearly a hundred storms in his life. This attitude of Diary Guy had almost forced Meredith to change her attitude towards life. But, Lexie didn't know that. Lexie didn't know any of that.
"Lex," Meredith said, "You are right. I'm in love with Derek."
"I knew it!" Lexie exclaimed enthusiastically. "Mer, I'm so happy for you. Does Derek feel the same wa –"
"Lexie," Meredith interjected, "There's something else you should know. I'm in love with someone else too."
Lexie's mouth fell open. Her eyes almost popped out of their sockets. "You – I – What?!"
"Yes, Lex. I am in love with the person whose diary I have."
Lexie stared at her blankly for a few minutes before saying, "Mer, are you alright? Do you have a fever or something? Are you talking deliriously?"
"No, Lexie. I am in love with the guy to whom the diary belongs."
"But – I – you – Diary – how?" Lexie muttered incoherently, unable to make head or tail of it.
"I read the diary, Lex. And I fell in love with the person through his words," Meredith said, a smile creasing her face.
"You read the diary," Lexie repeated.
"Yes."
"Mer, you don't fall in love with people by reading their diaries! You have never even met this guy! You don't even know his name, or his location, or anything tangible about him. How can you be in love with a person you know absolutely nothing about?" Lexie asked, sitting up.
"But, I know absolutely everything about him, Lex, bar his name and his actual whereabouts and what he looks like! Every event of his life, small or big, is recorded in that diary, and I have drunk that diary in. That guy is a wonderful human being, Lex, and he has beautiful penmanship. I first fell in love with his words, his writing, and then, with him," Meredith explained.
Lexie stayed mum for a few minutes. "Mer," Lexie said after a pregnant pause, "This is a real stumper. I – I don't know what to say. You have rendered me speechless, for the first time."
"I know it sounds weird and strange, Lex. But, you don't always have to love a person that you have met and dated. You can fall in love with a person by knowing him too. I know this guy. From his diary. He is my Diary Guy, and I am irrevocably in love with him," Meredith said.
"But – but, you said you are in love with Derek too!" Lexie pointed out.
"I am," Meredith said on a soft sigh. "And that is why I am so confused right now. Because I don't know who I should choose - Diary Guy or Derek. How I wish that Diary Guy and Derek were the same person! They are very similar, you know..."
"You should choose Derek," Lexie said promptly.
"Lex, you are saying that only because you think that my love for Diary Guy is something crazy and from another planet. I love Derek, I do, but I can't choose him just because I have 'dated' him. In a way, I have dated Diary Guy too," Meredith said, "That's why I am so confused. When I'm with Derek, I feel like I am cheating on Diary Guy. And when I read Diary Guy's diary, I feel like I'm emotionally cheating on Derek. That's why I have to choose, even though in reality, a choice doesn't actually exist. I have to choose to maintain my own sanity and keep my conscience clear."
"Hmm..." Lexie hummed before saying, "At this moment, I have only one suggestion. And it is – talk to Derek about this."
"About this? What do you mean by this?" Meredith asked.
"About the fact that you are in love with two people at the same time. Tell him that and tell him you need some time in order to make your choice," Lexie replied.
"And you think he is not gonna kick me out of his apartment and slam the door on my face after hearing this?" Meredith asked sarcastically.
"Well, if he does, then he makes it easier for you. You don't have to choose then."
Meredith pondered on Lexie's advice. It sounded...feasible. It sounded good. It sounded something out of Nicholas Sparks' books.
"Okay," Meredith said, nodding slowly.
"Okay?"
"Okay."
"I still think that you should choose Derek though," Lexie said, shaking her head.
"We'll see, Lex," Meredith said noncommittally as sunlight flooded the room.
1st October, 2006
Derek pushed open the door to Tim's room and walked inside. He was off work that day, but he needed to see Tim urgently. Only Tim could help him out in his jam.
"Hey, my favourite old man! How are you?" Derek said with a smile as Tim averted his eyes from the window and turned to face him.
"Derek!" Tim exclaimed, his face splitting into a wide grin. "What a pleasant surprise! I thought you were off today?"
"I was. I am. But, I just thought that I'll come and visit you," Derek said, taking his usual seat by Tim's bedside.
"Liar," Tim said, even though he was smiling. "You are a big, fat liar. You need help. That's why you are here."
"I – You – How do you know that?" Derek asked, stunned.
"Please, Derek. Your face is like an open book. I can read it whenever I want to."
"Really? I'm that touchy-feely?" Derek thought out loud.
"Yes. Now, let's cut to the chase. What do you need help with?" Tim asked.
Derek stayed silent for a minute. "I'm in love," he finally blurted out.
"Finally!" Tim exclaimed with a relieved look on his face. "I knew you would fall for your Library Girl."
"It is a little more complicated than that," Derek said, grimacing. "I am in love with Meredith, but I am also in love with someone else."
"What?!" Tim said with wide eyes.
In the next ten minutes, Derek summarized everything that had taken place in his life in the past month. He told Tim about the diary he had mistakenly taken, he told Tim how he had read the diary and fallen for the girl through her words. After narrating the whole incident, Derek said, "Am I crazy, Tim? Am I crazy for falling in love with someone I have never met?"
"Not at all, Derek," Tim said, his brows furrowed in deep thought. "We love authors whom we have never met. How do we do that? Because we love their writing. Yours is an unusual situation, but not a completely outré one."
Derek digested Tim's words and then let out a sarcastic laugh. "Look at me, Tim. I, Derek Shepherd, who was determined never to fall in love, have fallen in love and that too with two people at the same time. Isn't life and its ways ironic as hell?"
"Derek, you need to talk to Meredith about this," Tim advised.
"What?!" Derek exclaimed. "I should tell Meredith that I'm in love with someone else?"
"Yes. Tell her that you love her, but that you love someone else too."
"Tim, I came to you for advice – sane advice. Not crazy advice. Meredith will probably think that I need to be admitted to the psych ward after hearing about Diary Girl."
"You don't need to tell Meredith about Diary Girl," Tim said, "Just tell her that you are in love with someone else and that you need some time to make a choice."
"And you think she is going to smother me with kisses after I say that?"Derek asked. "She will probably – no, she will definitely throw something at me and then break up with me."
"Maybe you are right, but –"
"No maybe. I know I'm right. You may be older than me, but I'm the more experienced one in dating and relationships here," Derek said. "I know girls."
"But, you yourself have said that Meredith is not like other girls at least a hundred times. Why not take the chance with her then?" Tim asked.
"I..." Derek paused and then ran his hand through his hair. "I can't lose Mer, Tim. I love her. I love her a lot. She is too important to lose."
"You will lose her anyway if you remain stuck in your dilemma forever. You have been holding back in your relationship with Meredith because of your dilemma. How do you think your and Meredith's relationship will last like this? Isn't it better to come clean to her and make a final choice? I think that she would want the same too."
When Derek remained mum, Tim said, "Derek, I know it will be hard for you, but remember, 'Honesty is the best policy.'"
After a few minutes of deafening silence, Derek let out a sigh and said, "You are right. Honesty is the best policy."
3rd October, 2006
"Meredith?" Derek said as he came out of the bathroom, wringing his hands. The day had come. The big day. The day when he was going to say those three magical words to Meredith. But, it was also the day when he was probably going to break Meredith's heart.
"Derek," Meredith said, getting up from the bed. The duo locked eyes and stared at each other for a long, long minute.
"I have to tell you something," Meredith and Derek said together.
Derek let out a wan, wry smile. It was the only smile he could manage at the moment. "You go first. I can wait," he said as he walked closer to her.
"No, no, you go first," Meredith insisted.
Derek let out a deep breath and said, "OK. Um...I think you should sit down for this."
Meredith's eyes dilated with a bit of surprise. Why was Derek saying her line?
"Ok," Meredith said, sitting down on the bed gingerly.
"Mer..." Derek started to say, "What I want to say is...What I mean to say is...I...Meredith...I love you." Derek waited for Meredith's reaction as he eyed her carefully.
"Derek..." Meredith said, her eyes becoming glassy, "You...I...Derek...I love you too."
"You do?" Derek asked, a smile crossing his face.
"I do...So much..." Meredith said as she stood up and leaned closer to him. Cupping his face in her palms, she reduced the distance between their lips and captured his mouth in a soft yet lingering, longing kiss full of love.
Derek kissed her back with just as much longing, love and passion. As he pried her lips apart and slid his tongue inside her sweet cavern, he felt a pang deep in his chest. It might be the last time he was getting to kiss Meredith like that. After hearing that he was in love with someone else, there was no way Meredith would stay with him. So, he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer, kissing her fiercely. If it was going to be the last time he was getting to kiss Meredith, he might as well give her an indelible kiss.
"Derek..." Meredith gasped as they finally pulled apart for air.
"Mer..." Derek said breathlessly, pressing her forehead to hers. Both of them closed their eyes and relished in their proximity, their confession of love.
"There's more," Derek rasped out, his arm still wrapped around Meredith's waist, his other hand in her dark-blonde tresses and his forehead pressed to hers. "Meredith...I know it's gonna hurt like hell when you hear this, but...I am in love with someone else too."
Meredith's eyes snapped open and she pulled back a little from Derek. Her pupils dilated with profound astonishment. Why was Derek saying what she had to say to him?
"Derek –"
"I know you are mad at me," Derek said, without letting her speak, "But, I love you, Mer. I do. I love you a lot. More than you can imagine. It's just...I love someone else too, just as much. I am so sorry..."
"Derek, you don't have to say sorry," Meredith said firmly as she placed her palms on his cheeks.
"What do you mean?" Derek asked, nonplussed. "You are not mad?"
"No. I mean, yes, I am a little mad. But, I have no right to be mad because...Derek, I am in love with someone else too," Meredith said in a fearful whisper.
"What?!"
"Yes, Derek. I am not mad. I am surprised, because you just said all those things that I was gonna say to you. I love you, but I love someone else too."
"Oh," Derek said, looking away. The thought of Meredith being in love with someone else stirred up anger and hurt and jealousy inside him. But, he had no room to judge. He was himself hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Diary Girl. "Do I know him?" he asked.
Meredith shook her head no. Her eyes filled with tears as she asked, "Do I know her?"
Derek shook his head no. The duo stood still, their glassy eyes locked. They stood that way for who knew how long.
Finally, Meredith rasped out, "What should we do now?"
"I..." Derek said and then paused. "I gave it a lot of thought, Mer. I didn't know that you were in love with someone else too, but now that I do, I think that we both need a little space. From each other, from this relationship, in order for us to decide."
Meredith dropped her hands from his cheeks. Fresh tears welled up in her eyes. "Derek..." she gasped, "Are you saying that we should break up?"
"No!" Derek said, cupping Meredith's face. "No, no, no, Mer. I'm not saying that we should break up. I'm just saying that we should take a break from our relationship. There's a difference. Breaking up means never seeing or talking to each other again. But, we will talk. We will call each other whenever we want to and we will talk. And we will see each other, in the library. We just won't be going out on dates and...and you won't be living here with me. We will take some time away from our relationship in order to get a different perspective on our...um, situations," Derek finished in a hoarse voice.
Two tears came rolling out of Meredith's eyes as she said, "So...Basically, we are going to break up, but we are going to be talking to each other."
"I...Yes," Derek said, tears brimming his eyes too. "You can call me. You will call me, whenever you feel like. And I'll call you. I will definitely call you. And we will see each other at the library. And we will talk. And once we have decided what we wanna do about our situation, we can get back together."
"Derek..." Meredith whimpered, pressing her forehead to his and closing her eyes. The tears slid down her cheeks and fell on Derek's T-shirt.
"I have to go to work, Mer..." Derek said, closing his eyes to prevent the tears from falling. He couldn't cry. He had promised himself that he wouldn't break down in front of her.
Meredith nodded, but neither she nor Derek made any move to walk away from their embrace. They just stood there, like that, like time had ceased to exist for them.
Finally, Derek pulled back from Meredith and let go of her. He knew he had to let go of her, no matter how much it hurt to.
"So..." Derek swallowed back a lump in his throat as he choked out, "I'll go to the hospice...And when I come back, you...you won't be here." Derek whispered the last words. He couldn't speak. He couldn't breathe. He felt like his throat was closing up from inside.
More tears made their way out of Meredith's beautiful green eyes, and Derek knew he had to leave. He had to leave before he broke down. Because seeing Meredith like that was enough to break him down.
"Meredith..." he whispered and then moved away. "I'm late for work," he said, trying to act as normal as he could. "I'm gonna go now."
Meredith didn't utter a syllable. Derek grabbed his bag and his jacket and turned around to take a last look at her. She was standing where he had left her, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. No, he had to leave right then. He couldn't bear to watch Meredith in pain.
"Um...Bye...Take care," Derek murmured and made his way out of the apartment as fast as possible. Getting inside his car, he finally let the tears flow freely. He wanted to run back up to his apartment and pull Meredith into a tight hug. He wanted to kiss her one more time. He wanted to see her toothbrush and lavender shampoo in his bathroom every day for the rest of his life. There were a lot of things that he wanted to do. But, instead, he wiped his cheeks, started his car, and drove out of the parking lot towards the hospice.
A/N: I never swore off some angst, did I? So, there goes the angstiest chapter of this story till date. I know you guys are incredibly mad at me right now, but it's all a question of faith. Do you guys have enough faith in me? If you do, you'll stick around to see how I mend what I have broken. All I am requesting you to do is bear with me and I promise that I will not let you down.
I absolutely love reviews, and I have the next update written and ready, so I'll update again when I get 30 reviews on this chapter! :)
Leave your cheers, jeers, rants, raves and reviews!
A reply to the reviews –
funkmama13 – Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing! And I'm feeling a lot better now, thank you! I am so happy to hear that you love this story. I love a bit of angst too, hence I wrote this uber-angsty chapter. Angst keeps the story alive and it's fun to see the characters deal with some hardships. More is on the way!
tanecamyb – Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I'm truly sorry I left you guys hanging again, but as you can see, this was a long and intricate chapter, so it took me some time to piece it together. Sorry for leaving you like this! I'm glad to hear that you love this story. More is on the way!
flawlesspompeo – Thanks a bunch! I'm happy to hear that you love this! More is on the way!
lilyandrufus – Thank you! I'm glad you think so. Hope you liked this chapter as well! :)
RhizOneill – Thank you! I'm glad to hear you think so. More is on the way!
ntlpurpolia – Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing! To answer your question, Lexie remembered Derek, but she couldn't really piece it together as she had drunk a lot of wine that night and Julia kissing Mark was the only thing imprinted in her mind. Hope I was able to clear your confusion. Thank you!
Patsy – Thank you so much for the lovely reviews! I'm truly flattered you think so about my little story. I know this chapter was a little angsty, but keep faith in me and I promise you, I will bring Meredith and Derek back together because they are meant to be. Thank you!
Rachel – Thank you for reviewing for the 1st time! I hope you become one of my regular reviewers because I absolutely live for reviews! I'm extremely gratified to hear that you love this story. Before Sunrise is one of my favourite movies too! Thanks!
snv3 – Thank you so for the lovely review! I wanted to create suspense about what happened between Lexie and Mark, because this is a story in the suspense genre. I'm glad you liked it and that you loved Meredith and Derek's date. I know this chapter was far angstier than the previous ones, but keep a little faith in me and I promise I won't let you down. Thanks!
Dobby99 – Thank you so much and welcome on board! I'm glad you are loving this story so far. I was truly flattered by your review. As regards your question about Lexie remembering Derek, I hope the explanation in this chapter cleared up your confusion. If not, then you can ask me again and I'll answer you. And feel free to ask any other questions you have. I never get tired of answering the readers' queries. And no need to apologize for your English – your English is fine. Now, coming down to the reposting, I really had no idea that it'd annoy the readers to such an extent. I apologize to you and to everyone from the bottom of my heart. I know how lucky I am because I know what it's like to be on the other side. I used to write from an older account of mine and my stories didn't get much traffic back then. I guess that's the reason why I am so hungry for reviews now. Anyways, I truly am sorry for upsetting you with my reposting. I hope you can forgive me and stick with me during this ride! Thank you!
Hasi2012 – Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you liked the chapter! As regards the reposting of chapters, I am so sorry for that! I really didn't know that it'd annoy my readers so much. I have realized my mistake now and I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart. I'm ashamed of what I did, but I'd like to say only one thing in my defence. I know I adopted the wrong way, but my intention was not to fool my readers into believing that there's a new chapter. If that was my intention, I wouldn't have written at the beginning of the chapter that I'm reposting it. Other than that, I hope I didn't chase you away and that you can forgive me for my mistake and continue to read my story. Thank you!
ButterflyWhisperer – Thanks so much! I'm happy you loved it! More is on the way!
Alexis – Thank you! I'm glad you think so! More is on the way!
ForeverMerDer – Thank you! I'm so happy that you are loving the story! And yes, eventually, they will realize they have each other's diaries. I know I made you wait a bit for this update, so sorry for that. But, this was a complex chapter and I needed some time to write it properly. More is on the way!
Priscilla – Thank you so much! I'm so gratified that you think so! Hope you liked this chapter! :)
BigGrey – Thanks a lot! I'm glad you think so. I will keep writing as long as people are reading and reviewing. More is on the way!
two harts – Thanks for the review! Yes, I reposted chapter 9 and mentioned it at the beginning of the chapter. Sorry for the confusion. Thanks!
InspiredByPD – Thank you so much! I'm so happy to hear that you love my story! Hope you liked this chapter! :)
Guest #1 – Thank you! I'm glad you love this story! More is on the way!
Jill – Thanks a lot! I'm so happy that you are in love with this story! More is on the way!
Guest #2 – Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you love this story! Thanks! More is on the way!
Guest #3 – Thank you! I'm glad you love it! More is on the way!
Guest #4 – Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you think so about my humble story. And so so sorry for the reposting thing! I swear I was not trying to come across as arrogant or something; I just wanted to hit the 250 mark. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Hope you can forgive me! Thanks!
Tal – Thank you so much! I'm really flattered that you love the story and think so. More is on the way!
Amberly – Thank you! I'm happy that you love my story. More is on the way!
Jen – Thanks a lot! Glad you love the story! More is on the way!
Anita – Thanks so much! You pegged it right, when MerDer eventually make love, it's gonna be mind-blowing. For now, I hope you can bear with me and the dash of angst. Thank you!
Test – Thank you! I'm sorry your review didn't post. I don't know if it's the site or something else, but thank you for taking the time to write another review! It truly means a lot to me. Thanks!
Guest #5 – Thank you for the review! More is on the way! :)
Guest #6 – Thanks a bunch! I'm glad you love this. I'll keep writing as long as people are reading and reviewing. More is on the way!
Hope – Thanks so much for the lovely review! I'm very flattered that you think so. More is on the way!
derlovesmerlovesder – Thank you so much for the lovely review! I'm gratified that you find my story intriguing. Hope you liked this chapter as well! :)
Guest #7 – Thank you for the review! Sorry for creating the confusion by reposting chapter 9. Thanks!
Guest #8 – Thanks a lot! I'm glad to hear that you liked to see Slexie back on track. I hope I didn't disappoint you by not writing another MerDer date in this chapter. This was the way I had planned things all along, but I promise you that if you invest a bit of faith in me, I won't let you down. Thanks!
Kachelle486 – Thanks so much for the sweet words! I'm glad you think so about my story! Hope you liked this chapter as well! :)
Guest #9 – Thank you so much for the review! I'm sorry for making you wait for this chapter, but this update was a fairly long and complicated one, so it took me some time to get it finished. Hope I didn't disappoint you by not writing another MerDer date in this chapter. Please bear with me on this and I promise I won't disappoint you! Thanks!
Thalia – Thank you! I'm extremely glad to know that you love this story so far. More is on the way!