"Alright, let me see if I have this straight," Sirius said, eyeing James perplexedly, "Your mother's sister's daughter-"
"His cousin," Remus corrected.
"Cousin. Your mother's sister's daughter, who is your cousin, has a half brother who's your… what? Quarter cousin?"
James shrugged, "I guess."
"So, you've got a quarter cousin who you've met twice and his wife is having a baby?"
James nodded, "Pretty much." He looked relieved that Sirius had caught on so fast.
"And this guy is a muggle?"
"Uh-huh."
"And your mother requested that you buy a gift to send to him…"
"Well, more commanded really, but yep."
"You want us to help… and your mother suggested baby clothes?"
"Yes. Because she didn't think I could screw up buying baby clothes."
"Well you can't, can you? Wonder if Tetter's Robes & Hats has an extra, extra small line…"
James heaved a sigh, "No! We can't buy magic stuff! It's a muggle family!"
"What can we do then?"
"Welllll, buy muggle clothes of course!" James exclaimed.
"Where?" Sirius asked, baffled.
"At a muggle store!" Remus and James said simultaneously.
"A muggle store?" Sirius said thoughtfully. "Sounds like fun! What are we waiting for?"
James rolled his eyes, "You, you moron. Let's go."
They were careful to apparate a good ways away from the stores so as not to alarm any muggle shoppers. They were an odd bunch as they paraded down the hill. Sirius was conjuring a stream of electric blue birds from the end of his wand and Remus was doggedly reminding him he ought to stop or he'd be spotted by a muggle. Somehow the birds kept managing to take their potty breaks directly over Remus head.
At last they reached the edge of the mall's parking lot. Sirius had finally stowed his wand in his back pocket, though people kept shooting his backside suspicious glances when the saw a long stick emitting a faint blue smoke protruding from his pocket.
"This is insane. Really insane," Sirius said jovially. James walked confidently in front of them. He seemed to feel it was his duty to find the right muggle store, as it was his… er, one-eighth nephew they were shopping for.
Remus and Sirius, who had been arguing about something as they wandered after James, nearly crashed into him when he came to an abrupt stop in front of a sleazy looking muggle store with loud music blaring from with in. A flickering neon sign adorned the doorway and an odd assortment of glowing, colorful things could be seen through the gloom. It was very dark inside and what little light there was seemed to be coming from the merchandise and from a string of electrical lanterns in the shape of luminescent skulls. Mugs painted with obscenities lined the shelves, and odd little figurines were stacked on display.
"Well come on!" James exclaimed, glancing behind him at Remus and Sirius. "Let's go in!"
"Why?" Sirius asked, looking distastefully at the store.
"Come one!" James repeated, "I've always wanted to look at one of these muggle stores! Let's see what they've got to say for themselves!"
"Doesn't look like they've got anything to say that would be appropriate for a baby shower…" Remus said, eyeing a rack of rather explicit bumper stickers.
Reluctantly Sirius followed James into the store, examining the interestingly designed t-shirts that hung on the walls. "Really James! Let's get out of here. You're not going to find anything in here," Sirius could hear Remus whining.
That was when he saw them. They sat alone on a dusty shelf. They were absolutely brilliant. They were expressive, distinctive, colorful, and new, yet at the same time they fit in perfectly; they were casual, laid back and comfortable. They were perfect.
Sirius made a bee-line straight for them, completely disregarding a table of glow-in-the-dark toothbrushes and a shriveled old muggle man, puffing away at a foul smelling cigar.
"Remus," Sirius said without looking up, "Give me the muggle money!"
"Sirius!" Remus said despairingly, "Not you too! It's supposed to be for James's-"
"I need the muggle money! Now!"
"Alright, alright! Shhh! Someone will hear you!" Remus said, glancing hastily around for anyone who might have overheard the word 'muggle'.
Five minutes later, Sirius sat on a bench outside the store, waiting for James and admiring his beautiful new shoes.
"Sirius, do you know how utterly ridiculous this is?" Remus asked him, peering up the street impatiently.
"This muggle shopping? Yeah, it's really strange, but in an amusing kind of way, you know?"
"No! Your shoes!"
"My shoes? But they're wonderful! They're beautiful!"
"They're ridiculous!" Remus laughed, "What the hell do you want them for?"
"To wear them, what else?" Sirius exclaimed, lovingly lifting them from their plastic bag.
"When? When are you ever going to wear those hideous things?"
"Well, I'm wearing them now, aren't I?" Sirius said as he admired his feet. Remus looked on uncomprehendingly.
"But Sirius… Look at them. They're… they're gruesome," Remus said, honestly mystified as to what Sirius could possibly see in the ugliest, most worn-in pair of shoes Remus had ever laid eyes on.
"What did you just call my shoes?" Sirius growled.
"Alright, what's the problem now?" James inquired, coming up behind them.
"Nothing," Remus said, after glancing at Sirius who looked sincerely hurt by Remus's shoe remark. Sometimes, it was best to just let Sirius be Sirius. Questioning his motives usually gave Remus a mild headache, though he suspected that this particular issue might inflict brain damage if he pursued it any further.
"Let's go then. I'm already tired of all these muggles." James glanced back at Sirius and Remus who had stood to follow him. "And Sirius, where on earth did you get those shoes you're wearing? They're almost nauseating."
Sirius looked dejectedly at his feet and trailed after James like an abandoned puppy.
After a half an hour Sirius and James had both collected an assortment of muggle things, none of which were baby clothes. James was moaning that he needed something to eat and Remus was complaining that they had yet to find a suitable gift for James's one-eighth nephew. For once Sirius had nothing to say. He was too busy admiring his shoes.
"Come on, James! Let's find a gift and then you can eat something!" Remus insisted.
"But Remus, I'm hungry now!" James whined.
Remus cocked an eyebrow and stood his ground, "What are we here for?"
"Baby clothes. But that's beside the point. I am going to die if I don't get lunch right now!"
"You sound like Sirius," Remus sighed.
"Is that a bad thing?" Sirius asked, catching the tail-end of the argument.
Remus and James ignored him. "Alright, fine. Take some of the muggle money and go find something to eat. Sirius and I are going to keep looking so we can get out of here."
"I bet Sirius is hungry," James said, trying to make them come along with him to find lunch. He wasn't exactly an expert when it came to muggle money.
"Me too, but he won't notice unless you use the f-o-o-d word."
"Fine," James pouted, "Shall we meet back here?"
Remus nodded and lead Sirius off toward a promising looking store. "Where's James going?" Sirius asked, tearing his eyes from his beautiful feet for a moment.
"Bookstore," Remus said, without missing a beat.
"Bookstore?" Sirius groaned, "Why in the world does he want to go there?"
"Beats me…" As they walked through the door they were met by a cornucopia of vibrantly colored infant attire.
"Wow!" Sirius exclaimed, distracted from his shoes by the bright colors, "We've hit a jackpot!"
Remus, with some not-so-helpful assistance from Sirius, selected several of the adorable outfits.
"Won't James want to help choose?" Sirius asked, pointing out a lime green garment adorned with gaudy pink bows.
"I doubt it," Remus said, grimacing at his suggestion.
"Why not?" Sirius asked, "He's missing all the fun…" Sirius picked up a ruffled orange one piece embellished with repulsive little elephants in tutus. "What about this one?"
"No," Remus said, refusing the urge to vomit all over the vile little jumpsuit. "And James wasn't exactly keen on the idea of shopping for his nephew… I'm sure he won't mind if we choose some things for him."
"This?" Sirius suggested as they approached the cash register. Remus looked to see what he was pointing at. It looked like a miniature clown outfit.
"Sirius, if I were James's quarter-cousin and his wife," Remus paused to make sure Sirius had deposited all of the atrocious outfits he'd had in mind and then dragged Sirius up to the counter to pay, "I would not be caught dead with our baby wearing that."
Sirius pouted. "Or that," Remus added in response to another proposal, this one with stripes of copper and magenta running diagonally up it.
"Boy or girl?" the woman asked amiably, as she rang up the purchases.
"We don't know yet," Sirius, who had gone back to staring at his feet, replied.
The cashier smiled sociably. "You're adopting?" she asked.
"No, we're-" Sirius began, then he glanced up at Remus perplexedly and Remus suddenly understood what she was asking.
"Oh!" he exclaimed, realizing that she must have caught the end of his sentence about James's quarter-cousin not wanting to be caught dead with his baby wearing one of Sirius's selections.
Sirius seemed to have grasped what she had assumed as well. He burst out laughing. Remus was left to try to clarify the situation on his own.
"We're not… I wasn't… I mean, these aren't… Er... keep the change!" He thrust an unreasonably large amount of money at her, snatched their purchases and dashed from the store.
"You're not helping!" Remus hissed at Sirius who was still shaking with laughter. But as soon as they were out of earshot of the store, Remus couldn't help but join Sirius's laughing fit.
That was when James came around the corner, whistling happily and balancing a triple-flavor, quadruple-scoop, ice cream cone. Predictably, Sirius crashed into James, James crashed into Remus and the entire tower of ice cream went flying. At least one scoop landed on Remus's head. The rest plopped onto the ground despite James's futile attempts to save them.
"My ice cream!" James cried.
"My beautiful, beautiful, shoes…" Sirius moaned, pathetically trying to wipe the fast-growing chocolate stains from his beloved shoes. "My shoes!" he wailed as the milky puddle grew around them.
"Sirius…" Remus began, "They're just shoes, you can… Are you crying?" Remus and James exchanged a bewildered look over Sirius's head. James grabbed a handful of shaggy hair and yanked Sirius's head up.
"He is!"
It was true. Sirius cradled the damaged shoes, looking utterly devastated at their demise. Using great concentration in resisting the overpowering urge to laugh, Remus squatted by Sirius who was huddled on the sidewalk and patted him awkwardly on the back.
"Er… Sirius, we're really, very sorry about your shoes…"
James looked like he wasn't sure whether to laugh or not. He compromised by making an odd grunting noise and arranging his face into what he must have thought was a sympathetic look.
"Yeah… Sirius, mate, I'm sorry for dropping my ice cream on your shoes."
Sirius didn't say anything. James glanced at him nervously and then whispered into Remus's ear, "Should I clean them with magic?"
Remus made a face, "Personally, I think this is an improvement. You can't tell what color they are anymore."
James nodded, "Look, Sirius… um, if you come with me and leave those shoes here, I'll… er… I'll…"
James looked at a loss, so Remus quickly took an inventory of all Sirius's favorite things with which they might tempt him to abandon the shoes. Well, actually, at present his favorite thing was the shoes, but that was no good… Girls was another, but they couldn't really persuade him with that… food… "Food!" Remus exclaimed, "We'll buy you food!"
Sirius was on his feet the second he heard the f-o-o-d word. "Food!" he echoed, "I haven't eaten lunch all day!"