Chapter 14 – Aren't you a Breast Man?

As Bubba led the way the barn area, he continued his chat with Lee.

"So I'll bet you are a breast man"

Lee grew slightly pale and said "What?"

"Oh come on, most men like breasts" Bubba said. "So just think of milking a cow that way, you really are just massaging their breasts."

Lee was already regretting that he agreed to this.

They walked the rest of the way in silence and when they entered the barn, Lee noticed that all of the stalls were now occupied with the cows that had been out in the pasture. Bubba gestured to one of the barn workers and he quickly grabbed a cow and brought it over to a stall that had been set up with a stool and a bucket. Lee nervously watched all of this and said "So you are serious?"

"Sure, everyone should milk a cow once in their lifetime." He then pushed Lee onto the stool.

"This is Tilly. Tilly doesn't mind being milked but you have to be real gentle with her. You can be real gentle with the ladies right Lee?"

Lee gulped but didn't notice the wink that Bubba shot to his farm helper.

"Now Tilly doesn't like to be rushed. She likes to take things really slow. So first you have to massage her and let her relax those muscles."

"What do I massage?" Lee asked hesitantly.

"The bag Lee, just take your hands and softly rub them all over it until you feel her relax."

Bubba was enjoying this way too much but Lee was so nervous, he didn't notice they were having fun at his expense. He reached out and gently began massaging the cow's milk bag.

"That's it" Bubba said. "Now watch me for a minute. You hold your hands up and have your thumb turn your hand into a moving V. The thumb becomes a clamp."

"Don't I pull down on these things?" Lee asked.

"Now Lee, do you normally yank your girl's teats all of the place and stretch them out?"

"Well No, but I also don't milk my girlfriends either." Lee responded.

Bubba began laughing and said "Well that's good to know. Okay, so you are going to grasp the teat and instead of pulling on it, you are simply going to open and close your thumb and you will see that soon the pressure will begin the milk flowing."

As Lee attempted to do this, Tilly's foot came up and smacked the pail across the floor while her other foot smacked Lee's stool out from under him which sent Lee flying too.

Everyone had come over by this time to watch and they all broke out in a hearty laugh. Lee picked himself up, brushed himself off and with a determined look, set the stool back up along with the bucket and tried again. As he touched the teat, he jumped back.

"Damn, that thing is alive!" He shouted.

This of course was met with everyone erupting with laughter again.

"Lee, I don't know how a man can be a breast man and then be afraid of touching a breast. Go ahead and try it again."

Lee leaned over and tentatively reached up to touch the cow's teat and at the same moment, Tilly lifted her foot and kicked Lee in the head.

"OUCH" Yelled Lee. It took all he had not to walk out of the barn but he knew he still had to solve this case and he needed to become one of these guys and since they were all watching him, he would never live this down if he walked out.

"Try one more time" Bubba suggested.

This time, Tilly tolerated it and allowed Lee to milk her. Bubba said "I should have warned you that Tilly doesn't like cold hands and that you need to massage her teats first so that she gets used to you."

Lee was very proud of himself for finally getting milk out of Tilly. He was so concentrated on what he was doing that he got lost in the moment. After what seemed like forever and the milk was still coming, He asked "How long do I have to do this?"

"Oh, it only takes about 30 minutes to milk a cow and you only have 244 more left to go."

Lee's face shot up and looked at Bubba and for the first time, he noticed the laugh lines on Bubba's face.

"This is all a joke isn't it?"

"Lee, my boy, you are fun. Yes, we set you up. We use a machine these days to milk a cow but we love taking you city boys and letting you see how it used to be done. Tilly has been a part of this gag so much that I think she enjoys it as much as we do." Bubba busted out laughing again and Lee couldn't help but join in.

"Tilly, I don't mind you playing with me, but you could have been a little gentler with the kick to the head. Man, I'm going to have a bruise."

Bubba laughed and said that it wasn't the first time that Tilly had left her mark and probably wouldn't be the last.

The rest of the day was uneventful as Lee learned how to feed the horses, cows and pigs and watched them clean out the stalls with a big tractor. He was told that at least they only made him milk the cow since in the past, they have gotten others to muck out stalls by hand. Even with all the advanced technology, Lee realized that farming was still a lot of work. As you were finishing the morning chores, the afternoon snuck in on you and you had to begin much of the process all over. The only break was when they went to a tent that had been set up nearby that the regular kitchen staff had used to set out their lunch. Lee found himself starving and quickly devoured the chicken salad sandwiches that had been served.

At 5pm, Bubba told Lee to head back to the farmhouse since he would need to get ready for his Ghost walk. They preferred the hosts to dress up nice to give off a professional image so Lee would need to shower and get dressed up after having a quick dinner with the other Ghost Walk hosts.

Lee walked back toward the farmhouse thinking about his day and hoping that his first experience giving a ghost walk tour would be less painful than milking a cow.

TBC