This was written two days after the Pulse shooting in Orlando. I'm still shaking. I'm furious. People ask me why I'm not pro gun because shit like this happens my uncle bought a gun in parts off amazon thankfully he fucked up putting it together so it didn't fire but I don't think it's registered at least when you buy it from Walmart it gets registered I think.

"Welcome back TJ." Dr. Pierson said greeting him cheerfully and brushing a few loose strands of hair out of her face.

TJ glowered at her, he wasn't really in the mood to deal with her today. He started his day off with his mother getting on his case for wanting to be alone for a bit, she got upset with him and forced him to come here even though he felt headachy and hungover for some reason. So he was pissed to say the very least.

"How are you feeling TJ?"

TJ picked at the strings on one of the holes in his pants,"Horrible."

"And what's so bad about today?"

"Just one of those days I guess." TJ said shrugging slightly knowing it wasn't fair to take his bad moods out on her.

Dr. Pierson leaned forward slightly, unconsciously,"Is it that you don't like coming here?"

TJ looked at her knowing she was trying his best and that he was being TJ the asshole, the bad guy, to her and she didn't deserve that, he shook his head,"Everything I've done for myself has blown back in my face, no matter what I've done."

nervously played with the jade dragon pendant, TJ's always seen her wear it in the few sessions they had, no matter how much it clashed with her outfits,"Why do you think that is?"

TJ dropped his head into his hands,"I don't know. I guess I have shitty luck."

Dr. Pierson tilted her head,"Do you think it's anyone's fault?"

"Why do you think it's your fault?"

"Everything is." TJ frowned at how much he believed was his fault,"I'm sure the shitstorm of my life could have been prevented if I was a better son."

"Do you feel like you were a bad son?" Dr. Pierson said fiddling with a pen instead of her necklace.

"I've assumed. The only person who doesn't give me negative attention is my grandmother, even when she's disappointed with me."

"Is your grandmother your favorite person?"

TJ nodded,"We bonded over my ability to play the piano, while my parents only had their disappointment with me to talk about."

Dr. Pierson looked apprehensive ,"Why do you think your parents are disappointed in you?"

TJ shrugged and looked at his feet,"Who wouldn't be?"

"Are you?"

"Disappointed with myself? You could say that."

"And why is that?" Stephanie said genuinely curious.

"I'm a Hammond people only love me when they're not busy hating me."

"Does that affect your decisions?"

TJ shrugged again,"I don't know."

"Okay." Dr. Pierson looked hesitant and spoke gently,"What about your relationship status?"

"I don't want to talk about it." TJ wasn't ready to talk about Sean. He wasn't ready to face his feelings about him.

"Do you want a relationship?"

"No." TJ's voice was brittle and hoarse.

"Did you used to have one?" TJ nodded not trusting himself to speak.

"And does it make you reluctant to have another?"

TJ looked conflicted, his voice was quiet,"Yeah, I don't know what to do about it."

Dr. Pierson chewed on her lip before speaking,"Well, what are your options?"

"I don't know."

"Was the reason your relationship ended your fault?"

TJ knew it wasn't his fault but he'd rather blame himself than blame Sean. It wasn't Sean's fault no matter how angry he got,"Yeah it is."

"You were the one who ended the relationship?" Dr. Pierson was confused because he was so distraught.

"No he did, but it was my fault." TJ didn't meet Dr. Pierson's eyes and his cheeks flushed.

"Why did he break up with you?"

"My family got to be too much for him."

"If that's what happened how is it your fault?"

"It's because I was the one who got involved with him."

"Are you better off without him?"

"No, I'm worse off. I'm damaged goods now, I was really better off before, six months clean with him. Longest I've been clean since I was a kid. I was happy with him."

"But he left you?"

"Just because I was happy doesn't mean he was."

"And how do you know that?"

"If he was happy he wouldn't have left me."

"How did that make you feel?"

TJ sighed,"Terrible."

"Do you regret being with him?"

"Yes and no."

"Oh?"

"I don't regret being happy but I regret letting my family get to him."

"So you wish you never met him?"

"No, I was really happy with him. He made me happy and he helped me get clean."

Dr. Pierson raised an eyebrow,"So you don't think it would have been easier if you hadn't met him?"

"No, I try to get clean and my parents push and push and I end up breaking under pressure and falling of the wagon." TJ ran a hand through his hair causing it to curl upward.

"Why do you think that is?"

TJ sighed,"I'm the screw up."

"Do you really believe that? Why do you think your a screw up? Does it have something to do with your parents?"

"Yeah. I'm screwed up because I can't do anything right. It probably has something to do with them."

"Do you blame them?"

"I don't know. I mean I wouldn't be in the position if it wasn't for them. But it's my fault because I let the pressure of everything get to me." TJ picked at a string on his grey henley.

Dr. Pierson looked at the clock,"We'll continue this on Friday."

TJ nodded and stood up,"Alright. Friday."

Tj left the doctor's office before climbing into the back off his mom's car nodding a greeting to Agent Clark.

Elaine looked up from a file in her hands,"TJ how was therapy?"

"Fine?"

"I'm glad, is she nice?"

"She's okay."

"Is it helping?"

"I don't know. I don't like getting reminded of things I already know."

Elaine looked up at him,"So it's boring?"

"It just makes me feel worse." TJ clenched his hand on his knee.

"Do you talk about Sean?"

TJ made a choked noise,"I don't want to talk about it."

Elaine looked upset,"I'm sorry."

TJ forced a smile,"It's fine."

Elaine shook her head,"No it's not."

"It's fine." TJ kept the smile on his face but looked away with tears in his eyes.

"I don't know how to help you TJ." Elaine looked determined.

"You don't have to." TJ said before thinking,'You're always busy with something government related.'

"Yes I do."

"It's all my fault, Mama. You don't have to help me." TJ's voice was soft and brittle.

Elaine looked at TJ who was staring out the window not making eye contact with anyone,"This is my fault too."

TJ's eyes flickered from the window to his mother,"How so?"

"I failed as a mother."

TJ looked up and was upset,"Ma-Mama….How long till rehab?"

"I don't know." TJ rubbed his eyes,"TJ, have you been having trouble sleeping?"

TJ had a tired look on his face,"Yeah a bit."

"Is there a reason?"

TJ knew it was because of Sean he felt empty and cold but he didn't want to worry his mother,"No, not really?"

"Are you sure?"

TJ smiled,"Yeah, I'm fine."

Elaine looked skeptical,"Okay

TJ wondered if he'd gotten that good at lying or if they just stopped caring.

"Though I will talk to your psychiatrist to see how you are doing."

TJ raised an eyebrow,"Doesn't that violate some type of Doctor-patient confidentiality."

"I'm not asking about anything in particular, just how you are doing."

TJ worried about what she was going to be told.

"TJ you look worried."

"It's nothing."

"No it's not."

"No, Mama. It's fine, it's nothing."

"TJ," Elaine sighed before continuing,"I wish you would let us in in more. You need to stop pushing us away."

'It's kinda hard not to.' TJ thought bitterly.

"We want to help you."

"I don't need help." TJ growled.

Elaine looked at him with a politician's gaze something that irritated TJ further,"Yes you do."

TJ took a shuddering breath,"I don't. I know I'm a failure. I don't need to be reminded of it everyday."

Elaine's gaze softened slightly,"You're not a failure. You made a mistake, you're going to fix it. You're going to the therapist and than we'll see."

TJ leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes trying to catch up on sleep without trying to catch up on sleep without trying to think or dream about HIM…. they weren't happy memories, they were memories of Sean yelling at him, calling him a joke, disgusting, repulsive…. A pathetic American punchline. Elaine glanced at her son a frown on his face and his body language.

"TJ?" Elaine asked.

TJ cracked one eye open looking at his mother,"Yeah?"

"You're going to see Douglas before the party tonight. He's at the house I have a bit of work to do before the party. I'm going to drop you off than see you later tonight, okay?"

TJ groaned rubbing his hand over his eyes,"Yes, Mama."

(Clinomania: excessive desire to stay in bed)

Doug looked at TJ who was sitting across from him, TJ who was looking like the living dead, he had been looking like that a lot recently but at least he looked sober even if he sat here miserably with Doug, at least he was still here with Doug. Doug reached out to grab TJ's hand when TJ jerked it back like he wasn't allowed to be touched by anyone. Doug drew his hand back as TJ crossed his arms over his chest protectively. It reminded Doug of when TJ was outed to try and protect Bud's affair with Sarah Latham. Doug could remember hearing his Mom and Dad yelling at each other and asking TJ about it and TJ would just cross his arms and tell him not to worry. It remind Doug of the times TJ would cross his arms whenever he was confronted about anything and he'd be snarky and sarcastic to prevent someone from hurting him and letting him down.

Doug looked at his watch awkwardly,"Thanks for seeing me TJ."

TJ sighed,"I don't need to be babysat."

Doug looked at his brother taken aback,"That's not what this is, I'm your brother, I wanted to talk to you."

"Than what do you want to talk about?" TJ said messing up his hair further.

"How you're doing." Doug said watching his brother shift uncomfortably.

"Good." Doug said smiling at his brother happily.

TJ wasn't even being honest with himself. He hurt all over. Sitting in the car gave him relief from his aching heart but he wouldn't get that relief for a long time, his mother saw to that, TJ noticed Douglas staring at him, relieved for some reason. The one other thing that made him feel better was coke and booze, TJ wanted his crutch back just to stop his heart from throbbing so much. TJ wanted to breath for once without his heart feeling like it was getting crushed by ten thousand pounds, his voice was soft,"Yeah I guess."

"How's your therapist?"

"Fine." TJ said nonchalantly.

Doug looked at his brother critically."She nice?"

TJ looked around his mom's house,"Yeah…. Did Anne show you her new dress?"

Doug smiled,"Yeah, you went shopping with her I'm surprised you are still standing."

TJ shrugged,"She only bought two things."

Doug looked impressed,"Damn that's it, how did you do it?"

TJ growled playfully,"It's called don't be cranky the whole damn time."

Doug scowled,"I'm not."

TJ coughed into his hand,"Bullshit."

Doug rolled at his eyes,"Whatever."

TJ looked sullen,"She made me buy a vest."

Doug raised an eyebrow,"Really a vest?"

TJ nodded smiling slightly,"Yeah, for that damn political dinner."

Doug looked shocked,"Mom's letting you go to that?"

TJ smiled self-deprecatingly,"Of course I am, I'm a Hammond after all, and plus if I didn't Mom would freak."

Doug smiled,"Yeah."

TJ looked sad,"If I didn't Mama would be like oh will you try something while we're gone? Will you do something? Blah blah blah blah."

Doug nodded in understanding,"Yeah."

TJ put his head in his arms,"I. Hate. This. Family."

Doug pursed his lips,"Yeah I think all of us have those moments."

TJ's voice was muffled but he sounded extremely miserable,"Not all the damn time."

Doug looked apprehensive,"Why did you do it?"

TJ sat up his eyes for once unguarded his voice extremly,"You know the Congressman Sean Reeves?"

Doug looked apprehensive,"Yeah?"

TJ's voice was shaky and he looked around like someone might hear him, even though they were alone,"I had an affair with him and people found out and threatened to out him if he didn't change his vote on that child protection shit."

Doug looked shocked,"Wait what?"

TJ recoiled slightly,"Do you want me to repeat it?"

Doug rubbed his face and held up a hand,"Just give me a moment to process this."

TJ leaned back for a moment looking relieved that he wasn't getting yelled at,"Still don't think I'm fucked up?"

Doug narrowed his eyes and shook his head,"No. I still stand by what I said."

TJ looked hesitant,"So what did you think?"

Doug shook his head,"I was surprised."

TJ smiled,"You reacted better than Mama."

Doug looked hesitant,"How did she react?"

TJ sighed,"Lots of yelling, it fucking sucked. Not as bad as when he dumped me."

Doug voice cracked loudly in the quiet house,"He dumped you?!"

"Yeah but Doug just drop it I'm fine." To be honest TJ wasn't fine but he still loved Sean and didn't want Douglas to hurt him.

Doug rubbed his face,"I'm surprised."

"How so?"

"How can I not be?"

TJ looked pained and terrified, his voice was a whimper as he rocked back and forth nervously,"I don't know. I just don't know what to do."

Doug looked at his brother, who was picking at his sleeve,"What did mom want you to do."

TJ looked tired,"Mom wanted me to end it."

Doug looked confused,"But he dumped you?"

TJ looked angry,"Yeah, I wonder why."

Doug nodded in understanding,"Is there something you're not telling me?"

TJ shifted underneath Doug's gaze, his voice was brittle"They threatened to out him unless he changed his vote on that goddamn act and it just got worse."

Doug looked at his brother sad,"I'm sorry, TJ."

TJ smiled,"It's alright. At this point, my life is just on a big shit train. I'm used to it at this point."

Doug shook his head,"This family is so fucked up."

"It's not just the family. How often has my life been boiled down to the fact that I liked to kiss boys?" TJ scrubbed his hands through his hair.

Doug furrowed his brow,"It's not that, you weren't made for this business."

TJ got hostile,"You don't think I know that?!"

Doug's voice was calm,"I know you know. I was just answering your question."

"Sorry for snapping at you." TJ's face was flushed with embarrassment,"It's just you're the perfect son and you don't do anything wrong and I just keep fucking up."

Doug scoffed,"I get criticized too. It's just not in public."

TJ's eyes were upset,"Is it all the time?"

Doug smiled,"Yeah."

Tj sighed tiredly,"I'm just so done, if I didn't think it would do more harm I would leave."

Doug's eyes blazed as he spoke sharply,"Leave how?"

TJ looked at the floor his cheeks scarlet,"I don't know. Maybe I'll become a piano teacher or something."

"A piano teacher? Like dad want's you to be?"

TJ shrugged,"I don't know. I just don't have the energy anymore. Maybe for once listening to Dad would be best."

Doug looked at his brother in disbelief,"Really?"

"Yeah." TJ leaned forward and looked so tired and miserable,"I'm just so tired of everything."

Doug looked at his brother, who just wanted to stop for ever, who wanted just to stop hurting for even a second,"Yeah, I know. You don't have to listen to dad, I hope you know that."

"Than what am I supposed to do?" TJ chewed on his lip,"I'm sorry for everything I put you through."

Doug smiled at his brother,"It's okay."

TJ put his head in his hands his voice muffled,"It's my fault."

"Not all of it is your fault."

TJ's blue eyes regarded his brother warily,"Then why do I feel so guilty?"

"That's how it is in this family." Doug said frustrated at the way TJ's self deprecating nature appeared in front of him once again. It never showed when TJ could receive praise, it always showed up when TJ felt terrible and was alone.

TJ glanced at his phone,"We should get ready for that damn dinner party."

Doug nodded in agreement knowing that TJ was trying to pretend like he was okay, he wasn't going to be for a long time.

(Just chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on)

TJ looked at the white powder between his thumb and forefinger, he snorted it quickly and put another bump between his fingers quickly snorting it. TJ looked at himself in the mirror whipping the white power off his face as he heard knocking on his door. Tj looked up fixing his outfit,"Come in."

Doug walked in,"Well Anne does have impeccable taste."

TJ scowled at his brother,"I chose it she forced me to buy it."

Doug clapped a hand on TJ's shoulder not noticing the way TJ flinched away from him,"I'll meet you downstairs. Smile."

TJ shot his brother the dazzling paparazzi smile, which his brother returned,"Alright see you in a few."

TJ watched as his brother shut the door, TJ ran his hand through his hair messing it up giving him that well known roguish look. He tugged on his clothes nervously feeling the key his nana bought him after he got out of rehab the first time, he walked down the stairs and smiled at his mother who ambushed him.

"TJ, I'm glad you joined us." Elaine said tugging on the shoulders of his vest smoothing the wrinkles.

TJ smiled at his mother,"No problem. I wasn't doing anything else."

Elaine's eyes narrowed at her son,"How are you feeling?"

TJ's eyes darted around nervously,"Great, I'm fine."

Elaine accepted the answer seeing her son's nervousness,"Good, now please be on your best behavior tonight."

TJ smiled so widely,"I always am."

Elaine walked off to go talk to the supreme court judge who taught her at Yale or something. TJ didn't have the patience to remember her name, his fingers itched to play the piano. He couldn't do that, not now. TJ squeezed his fingers to try and get rid of that restless feeling. TJ spied a chair that was stowed away from everyone he'd still be in view but people would have to seek him out to talk to him. No one besides his Nana did at these dinners anyhow. One waiter walked past him with a tray of full champagne flutes, TJ quickly grabbed one and downed it placing it back on another plate. TJ watched his family socialize with the other judges and the men from the white house staff, Fred Collier, Barry Harris, Garcetti. TJ started to play a piano piece on his leg something he composed he never named it. He didn't finish it either. Nana came over next to him placing a hand over his to grab his attention.

TJ looked up at his Nana,"Hi, Nana."

Margaret looked at her grandson the dilated pupils and nervous energy, he was high, trying to kill himself didn't slow him down at all,"If you want to play piano, you should."

TJ shook his head,"Don't wanna, I'm done for now."

Margaret looked at TJ critically,"Alright, but try to have fun."

TJ smiled,"Yes Nana."

(Time skip)

TJ slid up the stairs after everyone departed. He knew his mother had to work so she left to head back to the office. Doug went home with Anne complementing her pretty dress, Anne made a call me gesture when she spotted TJ, he was unsure if he would call her, maybe give it a couple of days. Nana went to bed and Dad was doing whatever Dad has done for the past year and a half, TJ did count his blessing that he wasn't in the hospital, he didn't need the narcissistic, loud, and contentious personality that was his father. TJ fell into bed not caring that he rumpled his clothing. He didn't know when he actually fell asleep and started to dream about what would have happened if he was tougher, if he wasn't outed to further his parents political agenda, if he wasn't an addict.