HEART TO HEART CONVERSATION
Circus
Hello again, my friend. I'm sorry for keeping you waiting that long, business, you know. What? My business is my business, not yours. Stop being so nosy. I do not want to talk about the present, I want to talk about my childhood.
What was the last thing I told you? O yes, that I was sold to a circus. Well...
The circus people were different from the gypsies. There were gypsies among them, but most of them were diddicoys, travelling people who had no gypsy heritage. They would not just show exotic animals, although they had a tent with some animals like the four horned goat now, but they had a show, a large tent, I had never seen such a large tent before. There was one big cage in the middle, filling a large part of the tent. This cage was the stage for their shows, the audience would gather around. And they had some show acts that needed even more space, they could only be done when the weather was good.
In winter they would not travel at all, right now they were in their winter quarters preparing the show for the next season. The winter quarters was an isolated farmstead, the farmer was a gypsy.
Yes, I too was surprised, but not all gypsies were travelling. In fact, most of them had settled down, found their place in normal society and lived like anyone else, most of them in normal jobs. Some of them even rejected their gypsy culture and denied being gypsies to avoid mistrust and hatred. Yes, some of them even had respectable careers. And this one had married the widow of a farmer, becoming a farmer himself. But he provided a place to stay for the circus in winter, of course he got his payment for that.
I was introduced to the others, then they discussed what they could use me for. I do not know why but one of the sideshow performers, an old woman who acted as fortune teller and pretended to be a gypsy witch, took me under her wing now. She was highly respected and somehow the matriarch of the circus people. She wasn't even a gypsy, she was Italian but she had run away and married a gypsy when she was about fourteen. Now she was older than seventy, had long grey hair and no teeth. She looked every inch a witch, she could have been the model for fairy tale books. But she was friendly, even to me. Her name was Angelica and to me she was an angel. Of course her fortune-teller-tent had a sign with "Madame Alyssa" and not her real name. When the circus was open we would have to address each other with our stage-names.
Where was I? O yes, Angelica arranged it for me to get a private show. They allowed me to watch their rehearsals once before they would decide what my show act would be. Of course it would include music and my face, that much was for sure, but they wanted me to do more. They promised to teach me. I was no longer naive enough to believe they would teach me for my own good - no, I knew perfectly well that they were doing it to increase the profit they would make with me. But there was nothing I could do against this. So I sat with Angelica outside of the cage and watched the rehearsals.
They had a clown, I really liked his show. His name was Karl, he was German. He had four dogs, four small, tubby dogs with fawn fur and a wrinkled black face and a curled up tail. Pugs. I liked them, they were friendly and made funny noises all the time. They played "School" - the clown as the teacher tried to educate the pugs which were sitting on tiny benches and tiny tables. They were the bad boys and always played pranks on their teacher. A very funny pantomime, I laughed heartily. When I saw him I asked Angelica if I could become a clown.
They had "Frederic's Flying Familiy", they were really a family, tightrope artists. They were fantastic and I watched them open mouthed.
Then there were the "dancing gypsies" - they were not really gypsies - an old man who played the violin and his three daughters dancing. They were good, but dancing women were rather boring to me, I had just turned nine. But I liked the music the violinist played. They were from India, I learned later that they had left India for they were Pariahs and hoped for a better future in a country that did not know caste division. Well, there was a certain caste division in Europe as well, but not as strict as in India. But they called themselves "gypsies" for if they had said "India" the audience would expect belly dance which they did not want to do. They danced mainly Csardas, Csardas is music from Hungary, often played by gypsies. The violinist was great, it is a shame he was just playing in a circus and not a concert hall - but with his background he would never be welcome in any opera house. So much for caste division.
I absolutely adored the Hungarian rider. He had five stallions, all of them bareback with just holster and reigns. They ran as if they were tied together, three in the first line, two in the second. The rider stood on the two stallions in the second line with one foot at each horse, he held the reigns of all five horses at full gallop. But that was his show for outside - in the cage he had the five horses run round and he would jump from one to the other. I begged Angelica to be allowed to become a rider. I would do anything to ride like he did.
The strongman was rather boring, he was just strong - lifting different weights, to me at that time this was not interesting. The snake-woman was more to my liking, she could move her body as if she had no bones in it.
And their magician - he was absolutely creepy and I was scared of him. His show was good, really, but at that time I thought it just scary and had problems not to cry. I held back my tears, I was almost ten and at that age a boy does not cry. I did not like the magician, I thought him frightening.
There were more people, but the others were not so noticeable - and of course there were the helpers who did their work in the background, the confectionist selling sweets, the cook selling his foods, the helpers with the animals of the sideshow and the horses for the carriages, the two tinkers who could make almost everything, well, there were a lot more people than just those one saw in the shows. They even had a bookkeeper who would collect the entrance fee and made sure the fees were payed. He was married to the snake-woman, maybe that's why a book-keeper traveled with a circus.
After the rehearsal they discussed what I would be fit for. The clown said with my face I was too scary to be a clown. I reasoned that I could wear a clown-mask but they had wanted me for my face so I would not be a clown. The tightrope artists told me that it took years of hard training to become an artist and I would have to earn my keeping from the first day. The horse rider said his act was a one-man-show, but if I would help with his horses he would teach me a few tricks. Work for riding lessons - yes, that was something I liked. Well, to cut a long story short I ended up as second violinist for the "Dancing Gypsies" and as the magician's apprentice. I was angry and sad. The two shows I disliked most were the ones I would have to participate. Poor me. But I had no saying in that. I was just a child and I was considered to be too young to be able to make any decision myself.
My work started right then. The violinist gave me his violin and told me to play. I played the Csardas he had played before and everyone just stared at me. Of course I was nowhere perfect, there were many mistakes, but it was clearly recognizable the same piece of music.
"Have you ever played that one before?" the violinist asked me astonished and I shook my head. He tested me, he would play something, then tell me to play it. I did what I could, until the limit of my skills showed. I was ashamed and afraid they would punish me for my incompetence now but they did not.
"How old are you?" Angelica asked.
"Nearly ten," I answered. I did not want to admit that I was just nine years old.
"How nearly?" she inquired, obviously used to boys wanting to be older.
"Only eleven month," I answered much to their amusement. I guess my young age saved me from punishment, in fact, they wondered how I could be that good at my age.
The magician was not happy with me either. He had two girls as his "lovely assistant" - they were twins, almost identical, and only one of them would be seen at the same time, he played many tricks with them - and his old assistant had been a hunchback who was now too old and clumsy to assist him. He didn't want a boy. So we sat there in his caravan, I curled up in one corner, he on his bed, and he glared at me while I tried not to cry. I was really scared of him. It took some time until he finally said: "Okay, it seems we both have no choice now. So - here are my rules. You do what I tell you exactly as I tell you. Each mistake will be punished. Understood?" I nodded, to scared to say anything.
And so my education began. My days were long and often I was so tired I fell asleep sitting at the fire when we had our meals together. I had to brush the horses, clean their stable - or tent, when we were on the road again - then we had breakfast and immediately after that I had to work with the magician. His instructions were often not clear and it took me some time - and many painful lashes - to understand that I wasn't to do what he actually said but what he meant to say. This was difficult to tell and we were both frustrated. Plus, he wanted pinpoint precision. When we were rehearsing I was to hold out my hand and he suddenly said: "That is two lashes."
I asked him why, this time my timing was allright, and he told me that my hand was two centimeters too low and I was standing five centimeters too far to the right. Well, precision. I guess he was the one to beat precision into me, literally. After every rehearsal I had to take off my clothes, go down on my knees and endure the punishment.
Then we had lunch. Immediately after lunch I was to feed the horses, then go to the violinist and practice. Practice until my fingers bled and my arms, shoulders and back arched and I could no longer hold the violin. At least he did not beat me for every mistake - I would not have survived THAT. I was just a nine year old child, even if I was a child prodigy, I was far from being a virtuoso. And even a virtuoso needs to practice regularly or he would lose his skill.
When I was already tired and my body arching I had to do the work of a housewife - for me and the magician. I was his assistant and he expected me to fill the role of his hunchbacked servant. But I was not him, I could not fill the role of his friend. I was just a boy. A boy who had to participate in a show so gruesome and scary they advised women, children and sick people to leave the tent before the magician's show. Yes, I too was scared, even if I knew how the tricks worked. Some of them were dangerous, especially those with knives and fire, so I understood his demand for absolute precision, any mistake could cost me a finger, a toe or even a limb. Or it could cost one of the twins her life for they used a real guillotine for the trick with the "decapitated virgin". I admit that once I knew the reason for the severe punishment I got for every mistake I made, I no longer hated him for that. He had no choice - the risk was too high.
But then I was allowed half an hour riding lesson and sometimes I just fled to the clown's caravan, curled up on the floor with his four dogs. Karl, the clown, was a very sad man. He was lonely, he never approached anyone. He perceived himself as unworthy of any love, unskilled, stupid, useless and ugly. I did not understand that. He was a great clown, he could cheer everyone up, even make the usually grumpy magician laugh sometimes. I took off my mask and showed him my face, told him that I would give my life to have one day looking like him, but he just said that compared to him I was not ugly. I think he was kind of mad, how could a perfectly normal looking man see himself as uglier than me? But he was always there when I needed to just lie down and cuddle his dogs. He would not talk much, he just let me pet his dogs, that was enough to comfort me.
When we had dinner I often fell asleep and Angelica had to wake me up and tell me to eat or I would have spend all night sitting there with a full bowl of stew. Their stew was different from normal stew, it contained so many hot spices at first I had trouble eating it, then I got the runs and after three weeks I got used to it. Angelica pointed out that hot spices protected us from worms which sometimes lived in the stomach of men.
Many boys my age want to stay up late in the night - I only wished I could go to bed early for I never got enough sleep.
Actually my life was not worse than the other's. Everyone had to practice, rehearse, perform his or her show-act. Everyone was working from early in the morning to late in the night. But in this circus we were seldom hungry and that was something I liked.
I had three costumes. One for my playing the second violin in the "Dancing Gypsies" act, I was dressed like a gypsy - or what "normal" people believed to be a gypsy garb - and wear a black mask. When my skill with the violin became better, I even got my own "Devil's Violinist" piece, usually I would play something while the helpers were redecorating the stage or cleaning up if one of the animals - especially those from the sideshow-menagerie - had pooped. I was the perfect diversion because I needed no extra preparation. I would just put on my "Devil's Violinist" red velvet mask and cover whatever clothes I was wearing with a dark red velvet gown and could start immediately.
When the magician, his name was Ivan, he was Russian, made me his assistant he came up with another background story for me. He too pretended to be a gypsy and told that he had dug up my corpse in Romania and through his ancient magic reviewed me and made me his slave. I was the "Living Corpse" now. I did not like that. The first act was him showing a seemingly empty casket, then close it and I would climb out of it when he re-opened it. I had my face bared and wore nothing but ragged trousers to heighten my corpse-like appearance. I hated the screams, the gasps, the retching and the fainting women when we did this trick. And then the show would just begin, with all gruesome tricks, the decapitated virgin, the smashed hand, the fire-tricks - o yes, I got burned often during the rehearsals before I learned to do the assistance in this trick properly - and things like that.
What I liked best in the circus was that the other children had so many duties each day, they simply had not much time to beat me or mock me - and if they had time, they were often too tired to beat me and just left it at mocking me and spitting at me.
Until one day when I was working on some new prop for Ivan. He needed six identical props and I was to burn the decoration into the leather with a branding iron. So I was at the tinker's tent, there was a stove where I had build a fire to heat the iron. It was a warm day in spring and I had taken off mask, shirt and shoes because the heat in the tent was close to unendurable. Fifteen children lived with the circus, me not included. They all had a break at the same time and that usually was not good for me. They came into the tent and asked what I was doing. I told them, hoping their fear of Ivan would protect me at least as long as I worked on the leather for his props. They gathered around me and asked why I was doing that. I told them that I had no idea why Ivan wanted leather with these decorations.
Soon they started pushing me. Whenever I was heating the branding iron, they started pushing me until I was angry and lashed out on them with the iron, it was not red hot at that time for I just needed to heat it again. They cleared a path so I could go to the stove to heat the iron again. While I was using the bellows they started pinching and pushing me again.
"Look how he's sweating."
"Disgusting"
"He's not sweating - that's ptomaine!" They laughed but did not stop pushing me. I kept silent and tried to ignore them, I already knew any protests on my part would only encourage them. When the iron was red hot again, I grabbed its handle and went back to where the leather was stretched in a wooden frame. Someone pushed me from the left side, I had the iron in the right hand, and someone pushed from the right side at the same time, a horrible pain shot through my arm and I threw the branding iron to the ground and grabbed my left wrist. The red hot iron had left a deep burn, but only with the edge of the stamp so it looked like a line. I did not scream, did not cry out, I just stared at the wound and smelled the stench of the burned flesh. The others suddenly left me alone as if nothing had happened.
I picked up the branding iron, heated it again and went on with my work until it was done and Ivan came to fetch the leather. I cooled the branding iron in a bucket with water, put on my mask and went to my violin lesson. My violin teacher was the first one to notice my wound, he asked me how this happened and I told him. He took me to the well and told me to cool it with water, which I did and went away.
It was not long after that that Angelica came to look for me. She took me to her tent and applied a salve to the wound, telling me that I was lucky for the red hot iron had not gone deep enough to damage the nerves, the veins or the tendons in my wrist. I could have lost the functionality of my left hand if it had gone only few millimeters deeper.
The other children told that I had been clumsy and slipped. It was all an accident and they were just watching me form afar. It was one against fifteen - who would believe me? I was not a notorious liar at that time, but I was just one boy and everyone knew that I was sometimes daydreaming, not really concentrating on my work. I have to admit it could have been an accident, only I knew that it wasn't. They just told me that I must never accuse someone if it was my own fault or I would face severe punishment. As to my clumsiness they just quoted a German proverb: "Ungeschicktes Fleisch muss ab." That can be freely translated as: "Clumsy flesh has to come off." I guess they did not mean that literally - they just wanted to make clear that I could never expect pity or help when I hurt myself because of my own clumsiness or carelessness.
I was on my own again. I was neither the youngest nor the weakest child, but the younger and weaker ones had elder brothers and sisters to protect them so I knew better than to threaten them. Sometimes I wished for a world without children, for they were cruel just for fun while the adults only punished me for disobeying or laziness. I didn't mind working hard, I was used to that, but the children were a real problem. Plus a bit more time off would have been nice. I would have loved to play like any other child sometimes. Well, one cannot have everything.
I never knew where we were when we traveled. Usually everyone had to work all day long and we never entered the villages or cities but stayed in the fairgrounds in the outskirts. I wasn't allowed to leave the camp alone, they told me it was too dangerous and I accepted that explanation for I knew it to be true. I had seen what had happened to the gypsies when Jose had falsely been accused of rape - if I was caught in a village, even if I did nothing, what would they do to me and the circus people?
Yes, I traveled the world - but in that first year with the circus, I saw nothing but roads and fairgrounds. Germany, France, Spain... well, fairgrounds and roads, and I do not even remember all landscapes for when we were travelling either Angelica or Ivan continued my language lessons so I had not much time to admire a landscape. I had to concentrate on grammar and vocabulary.
Well, the shows were not that humiliating - of course they were, but now I was more or less an actor like the twins who pretended to be just one girl. And after some time I had no pride or modesty left. You see, we did not have the luxury of toilets or bathrooms - when we had to relieve ourselves, we had to use the next field to do so. Sometimes there were no trees or bushes, nothing to hide, we had no choice. I say "we" because everyone in the circus faced that problem. When we wanted to wash or have a bath we used a river or sometimes a pond or a lake - whatever water we could find. There was not enough time to have different bathing times for men and women, whoever wanted a bath had to get out of his or her clothes and do so, no matter who else was in the water. They would always make sure no outsiders would see us, but among the circus people there was no modesty or shame. And I had no choice but to adjust. I always tried to stay close to the adults for I knew the children would try to dunk me and I was afraid of drowning.
It was Karl who taught me the basics of swimming and he gave me one very valuable advice: If someone tries to dunk you, grab his neck and hold onto it for dear life - he will let go of you once you pull him underwater with you. Yes, that really helped much, after I started to defend myself they didn't dunk me that often and if, it was just one short dunk and then they left me alone.
We traveled to the west, through France, because they wanted to spend the winter in Spain where it was warm enough to work through the winter.
Spain was... different. I did speak a bit Spanish then, enough to get through a show and not miss my clues when Ivan said them in Spanish and not in French. But I had to learn too many languages at the same time, I always mixed them and became confused. So sometimes I would speak Italian with German grammar and mix it with Spanish... And the other children, who had grown up with many different languages from birth mocked me as stupid.
Spain... Spain is a different culture than France. I can't say I didn't like them, they are just... different. But we made good money there. Except in the city where a bullfight was. The Spanish are obsessed with bullfights, I do not know why. What is so interesting in killing a bull in the most ineffective way?
But we needed money, so we came up with a different idea. Since no one would visit the circus, we would visit the bullfight and try to earn a little bit around the arena. Well, if I say "we" I mean the people whose opinion really mattered in the circus, that was Angelica, Karl and Istvan, the horse-rider. The others had no opinion or if they had, they would not dare to tell it. It was decided that Ivan would dress like any Spanish man would and be the pickpocket, Karl and I would wear clown masks and do a simple but funny pantomime, the twins would dress like gypsies and collect money from people who watched Karl and me. I was excited, I had always wanted to be a clown and now I could be one - with a papier-mache mask with a clown face paining on it. Karl said I was quite good as a clown, I easily understood how to make a fool of myself to make others laugh.
Yes, I agree that it is strange that I loved to be a clown. One might think being mocked and humiliated so often had extinguished any interest in making others laugh, but it wasn't like that. If I wanted to make them laugh, I was the one in control of the situation. It is not humiliating if the audience laughs at a clown, in that case, laughing is like applause. Ivan was the thief of our team and if we were to be caught Karl, I and the twins would have to say we didn't know him, never saw him. He would say the same. The interests of the group always overrule the interests of a single person and they had very strict loyalty rules. Breaking them could cost one's life.
We were not caught and earned much money that day, so much, Karl decided we would watch the bullfight. We still were in our clown-costumes with the clown masks and we had to be careful for in a spectacle with the audience lusting for blood to a degree where they did not care if it was the bull's or the toreador's, everything is possible. That's why Ivan - who still was scary, even in his normal clothes - went back to the circus. Scared people tend to attack and kill whatever they are scared of. I did not like the bullfight and begged Karl to take me back before it was over. I disliked the bloody spectacle and was scared of the cheering crowd. Karl was not happy but he complied as he noticed just how panicked I already was.
And then I learned about another problem I had not been aware of before: Ivan was drunk, he was so drunk our strongman had to carry him home for he was no longer able to stand. He must have bought some alcohol and would not be able to perform the next few days. Angelica explained that Ivan sometimes had these problems. He would not drink for months - of course not, he did not have one coin in his pocket, the money was with the bookkeeper - and then drink himself into oblivion. She berated me why I had not watched him better, as if this was my duty. I did not dare to defend myself that I hadn't known anything about that.
The next day there was a circus show and Ivan was still not sober enough to do his magic show. I offered that I could at least do his "decapitated virgin" trick, for that trick mainly needed me and the twins, he was just standing there, looking menacing. Angelica decided we could do it like that, we only had to change my entrance. I could not very well review myself from the dead, now could I? So she just changed the background story and I was the magician myself. I had hoped I would be allowed to cover my face but I wasn't. Now I was announced as "the Living Corpse - a magician who manages to trick even Death himself!" Or herself. In some cultures Death is a female.
I loved it. The show was nowhere good, I was far too nervous and the audience noticed it, but it was the first show I did all alone and I managed without any grave mistakes. I really loved it. And Ivan hated it, once he was sober enough to understand what he was told. I was to be his apprentice, not a magician myself, I was only a boy, I had just turned ten years old, I could not be a magician. He was absolutely right in that, I could use his props and I could do the tricks he had taught me to do, but I was in no way able to plan my own tricks, to build my own props and to design my own show. But he needed to establish his dominance over me, forcing me to kneel down and beg his forgiveness for my audacity, even kissing his boots. I did, I would have said and done anything to avoid the beating. Again, no one helped me and I felt humiliated for having to beg his forgiveness when it was his fault that I had to take over for him.
Well, I guess the lessons I learned were very valuable. I learned that there is no justice and fairness, there is no compassion - if someone helps you, he does it in the selfish wish to get something in return. "Do ut des," as the ancient Romans said, "I give so that you give something in return." I got my living space, clothing and food - and in return I had to earn money for them.
Ivan was punished for his failure - his punishment was to teach me not only to assist him but to teach me so I could one day be a magician myself. He hated that and made the lessons hard and I got punished for every mistake, for every time I did not concentrate - and I have to admit that I was not able to concentrate two hours without my mind wandering sometimes. I was a child. But he was a great magician and what knowledge I got from him was priceless.
Winter in Spain was not as cold as in France, but it was cold nevertheless. And my shoes did not fit any longer. In summer I had been able to walk barefooted like all children, but now... My old clogs were too small and I could not use them any longer. I asked Angelica to help me. They could use the clogs for a smaller child and give me some larger shoes. And I wanted another costume for the magic show. The trousers I had as "Living Corpse" with my upper body naked wouldn't do, it was too cold, even if there was no snow. But they had no shoes for me at that time.
When we did a rehearsal, I was so cold I was happy when a horse pooped for I could step into the horse shit, it was warm and would warm up my ice-cold feet. I had seen shepherd boys doing this, they would run around barefooted all the time and of course knew the trick that fresh shit was warm. Of course the other children - who had warm socks and shoes - mocked me for that, but I was too cold to care.
It was Angelica who finally bought shoes for me. One day when we sat together having breakfast - I had some rags wrapped around my feet, but they were soaked in mud and I was cold - she just got up and handed me a pair of brown shoes, clearly second-hand, or better, tenth to twelfth hand from the looks of it. They were far too large but I did not care, I was so grateful that she had given me these shoes.
But business was bad in winter. We did not have enough money to buy food for the animals and so it was decided that the caravan I lived in was to be sold. The twins, who had two other "rooms" in that caravan, would have to live with Ivan, the fourth "room" was stuffed with props and Ivan would have to sort them out and store them in his own caravan. I would have to live with a family of the helpers.
No one was happy with that. Ivan didn't like the twins in his caravan, no matter that they were rather nice girls, the twins didn't want to live with Ivan, this I could understand, he was really scary, and the helper's family didn't want me in their caravan. But it was necessary for our survival and we had to accept this. I lost my private room, so from now on I had to sleep on the floor of the wooden caravan with the other children, the only bed was for the parents. They had five children and were working hard to get a sixth, I couldn't sleep, but I did not dare tell them to be quiet. I was utterly disgusted by what I saw and heard each night, but in winter it was too cold to sleep outside so I had little choice. I needed a warm place to stay. But everything turned for the worse for me for the children tried to freeze me out. Of course this was in vain, I had nowhere else to go, but they surely knew how to make my life miserable.
The children had the cruel idea of taking advantage of me when I was having a wash in a small pond. I was naked and freezing when I came out of the water but it had been necessary to clean myself. In winter no one would wash when it could be avoided - but my skin was itching so badly, I just had to wash. Well, they waited for me, they did not let me get dressed, they held me down and pushed a naked girl against me. I do not know which one yelled louder - I still had my mother's words in my head that touching me was so horrible, a woman could die from terror and I was scared the girl would die. She was utterly disgusted and scared, I can't even say I didn't understand her in that moment. Well, the other children found that extremely funny and tied us together with strong ropes. Our screams and struggles must have alarmed the adults for they came and helped us to get away from each other.
But instead of berating the other children for their cruel joke I was the one who got the punishment. The girl was Frederic's youngest daughter and he was furious - with me, as if I had wanted this! I didn't even have time to get dressed, I was still naked as he whipped me with his belt. He made sure only to hit my legs for my upper body, my head and my arms were visible at the shows so I had to be unharmed. The magic show was supposed to be gruesome, but not so gruesome as to see real blood.
Then I had to kneel before the girl and beg her forgiveness. I did what I was told to do, I had no choice.
That night I asked Karl if I could sleep in his caravan and he allowed it. So I slept on the floor of his caravan with his four pugs, they were snoring and drooling and farting, but that did not matter - they were warm, cuddly and I could hold them, pet them, they loved me and I really loved them. They were really great comfort and finally Karl gave in to my whining and took me in - on the condition that I would work for him if he told me to. Since the twins had to care for Ivan's household now, I was free to accept that offer. Karl called his pugs little bunches of joie de vivre and that's what they really were.
In spring we traveled back on another route through France to Austria and then to Italy, North-Italy. I do not know why, it was decided to do so, it didn't really matter to me.
That spring Ivan really started to teach me the basics of magic. Ivan was a tall man with blonde hair, almost white, and ice-blue eyes. His name as magician was "Professor Abraxas". He told me that magic could be used for everything, there were clown-magicians, dancing magicians, magic shows with music, even erotic magic shows, large magic tricks for stages, some had to be done outdoor, and then there was close-up magic, where the magician would use small props and stay very close to his audience, often sit at the same table with them. The audience never knew if a trick was easy or hard, the size of the show didn't tell anything of the magicians skill - sometimes a close-up card trick could be much more difficult than a large show. Well, I thought that erotic magic shows would be utterly disgusting, but a clown-magician should be fun. Ivan told me that his teacher had been an elegant magician who even had his own theater and worked for nobility at their parties, these magicians were pretending to be noblemen themselves, often with fake titles like "Count" or "Chevallier".
Ivan himself had decided to be a scary. He did not look scary, he was an average looking man of average size. I once asked him why and he told me that he found clowns scary, especially Karl. Ivan thought Karl was mad and creepy. Ivan's decision to be a creepy magician was just a business decision. He did what the audience wanted and he gave me the good advise to follow his example. I could be a clown magician, but I would never earn as much as I could as a frightening magician, just because of my looks. My ugliness was the advantage. Magic was all about being something special, being something no one else could be. So I would have to use my ugliness to my advantage. Wearing a clown mask and making people laugh was all good and well, but not the one knack that would guarantee my income - being the "Living Corpse" was. That was something no one else could be, no one else could show.
Now that I knew why they were doing this to me, I was in no way contend being a magicians apprentice. Ivan was still scary and he liked to make his audience scream in delighted terror - I hated that, I would have loved to make them laugh instead. Like Karl did.
Yes, Ivan was right, Karl was a bit mad - he thought himself useless, unimportant, stupid, worthless and ugly when he was normal-looking, clever, charming and respected by everyone. He must have been mad when he thought himself uglier than me. He was always so very sad, but while he was sad, he could cheer everyone up, he even made me laugh when I was in despair. He even taught me how to make others laugh, how to deliberately make a fool of myself just to make others laugh.
What fascinated me most was how similar Ivan, Karl and Angelica worked - they would watch their audience closely, listen to them carefully and analyze every tiny movement. As fortune teller Angelica - Madame Alyssa - was really great. Her augury would always come true.
Yes, that is a trick I can reveal. Whatever she used - cards, crystal ball, tea leaves, the flickering of a candle, the palm of the hand - at first she would greet her guest and make him or her comfortable, give him or her something to drink, usually a glass of red wine. Alcohol dulled the thinking a bit and made people more trusting. Then she would start with something obvious, I'll give you an example: "You are a young man and I sense that there is a very important question troubling you and now you wish my knowledge of the future to make the right decision." Well, if it is a man or a woman you see with your eyes and if someone enters a fortune-tellers tent of course he or she wants to get some fortune-telling. Usually that's when people start to talk and you can gain much information about people if you listen to what they say and what they do NOT say. If the young man ask if he would pass the test at school, she would answer: "Studiousness will be rewarded." Well, that cannot be wrong, can it? If he does not pass, he will think it was his fault, if he will pass, the fortune teller was right too.
If there are no real questions and they just want some general fortune telling, she would always say something positive, like: "Right now you face difficulties but you will overcome them." This can't be wrong, everyone faces difficulties all the time. And most of them can be solved - one way or the other. Or she would say: "A brown haired woman will influence your life." Well, save guess, most women in Middle Europe have some kind of brown hair and so the chances that one would not meet a woman with brown hair are rather low. And of course one of those women will affect that man's life - and if it is the seamstess that repairs his shirts or his mother, sister, whatever.
She would never answer with "yes" or "no" and of course if a woman asked if her child was going to be a girl or a boy she would say that the child would be be beautiful for every woman sees her child as "beautiful". Well, she changed that to "extraordinary" when she saw me...
And that is the main trick - react, not act. Of course you can't do that in a magic show in a circus, only in close-up magic. In a circus you have to use other tricks, like fooling people's senses and brains. It is astonishing how easily people are distracted simply because they assume something they did not see - and then they are surprised that something else happened. Some tricks are pure physics or chemistry, some are slight of hand tricks, some simple diversion.
Yes, I know, I ramble on in my speech.
Well, we traveled through south of France and came to Italy. I did not care much for I still was not allowed or able to see anything but the road and the fairgrounds. Well, and the landscape, but... I guess I was too young to enjoy a beautiful landscape, I didn't give it much thought.
Since Frederick's oldest son was the main force behind the torment I endured at the hands of the children, I got an idea how to take a little revenge. Ivan taught me a chemical trick how to make powder that would inflame when in contact with water. He only made small amounts of them and that only just before the performance for it was really dangerous and he didn't want to set a tent or a caravan aflame by accident. But I managed to steal a little bit. That night I climbed up to the tightrope high above the circus ring and put a bit of it on the tightrope. The next morning Frederik and his children would rehearse a new show act and I knew that usually they were sweating profusely during their performance and it was a hot day in Italian summer. So if a bit of sweat dropped onto the powder - poof - a small flame would shoot up and spook them.
The next morning I was helping building up the cage as the trick went off, too soon, no one was on the tightrope. I can only guess that this was due to the humidity or condensation. Whatever it was, the rope was aflame, threatening to set the tent itself aflame. I remember yelling in fear, I had not planned for this, I had thought a small "poof", a small flame and it would be over, but obviously I strongly miscalculated. I do not know how but Frederik was already up at the ladder and loosened the end of the tightrope while his son did the same on the other end, the burning rope fell to the sand of the circus ring and when someone tried to extinguish the fire with water, it only burned higher.
Ivan just shoveled sand on the rope, this did extinguish the fire.
And suddenly all stared at me. I was already crying and trembling, no longer able to hide my fear, but I hoped they would think this just as the shock of what had happened. Well, I was stupid. A stupid child, of course Ivan knew this was not an accident and since no one except him and me knew the formula for the powder... well, I had no time to react. I was grabbed and my hands tied up to the metal bars of the cage around the circus ring, my hands high above my head, my legs dangling so I didn't reach the ground.
"You could have killed all of us!" was the first sentence I heard.
"It wasn't me," I cried, but they did not believe me. "I never wanted to harm anyone!" Well, this made them only angrier. I remember that I was beaten with whatever they had in their hands, belts, tools, fists. I have no recollection of who participated in the beating, who said what or if anyone spoke in my favor. I screamed in pain and begged for mercy, pleading with them to spare my life. Then everything went black.
I woke in a room of a house, a real house made of bricks. I was lying on a bed. When I tried to move I was immediately stopped by the pain in my body. Every fibre of my body was aflame in pain.
"Do you know me?" I heard Angelica's voice.
"Angelica?" I asked, confused.
"Very good. Can you see me?"
I forced my swollen eyes open and looked at her. I could see her with both eyes. She grabbed me and pulled me up to a half-sitting position, then started to give me water with a spoon. I was thirsty and opened my mouth as wide as possible to get more water. My jaw was swollen and I had lost a back tooth, the others were a bit loose, maybe they shifted.
The next time I woke up I was in her caravan. I was lying on a soft mattress on the floor and I must have woken because the mattress was wet. It was just one of those days. I groaned and stayed were I was, I could barely move. I must have fallen asleep again for I woke when Angelica asked me if I could stand up she had to clean up my mess. She was angry with me and I was too weak and hurt too much to care about the humiliation. While she cleaned up she berated me for my carelessness. No one believed it was really attempted murder, they believed my story that it was just a childish prank that could have gone terribly wrong. But she made clear that my punishment was not over yet and it was well-deserved. I could have killed the tightrope-artists, I could have set the tent aflame, if something had happened during a performance the police could have all of us arrested.
I wept when it finally sunk in just how dangerous the situation had been. But what they did to me was too much punishment to just accept it. They nursed me to health, then they decided that I would get a daily reminder of my misdeed for months. That was, I got beaten each day, only a few lashes, so I would not be hurt seriously but I would be reminded that I had done wrong. I thought this punishment was too hard. And then something else came to my mind: It was not even my fault. It was their children's. If I would not suffer constantly at their hands, I would never even have had any idea like that.
Since I did not share my thoughts with anyone, no one could talk me out of that idea. It was easier for me to accept that they were cruel and unjust than to admit that this had been my own fault and the severe punishment that left scars all over my body was well deserved. Only years later I realized just how dangerous my "little harmless prank" had been.
And the children had a new game. They would taunt me and ask me to attack them. They did not attack, they just tried to get me to attack them. One even handed me a knife and held out his hand, daring me to cut off one of his fingers or ram the knife through his palm. I stood there, the knife in my hand, the other boys outstretched left hand hovering before me, and did - nothing. I debated with myself if I should go through with it or not, but I knew for sure that they would deny doing anything to me and I would be punished again. I dropped the knife, feeling deeply humiliated and shamed by my cowardice as they spit on me and mocked me. I did not defend myself then. I was too scared of the punishment.
Yes, I had no chance to escape, for I still was a child, I was just ten years old and in no way able to care for myself. What could I do? Ask someone to take me in? What answer do you think I would have gotten to this plea? If I asked the police to help me, they would just return me to my rightful owners. I was a child and as such had no rights, I had to be thankful to have some sort of roof over my head and got food to eat. Or worse, they would take me to an orphanage were even more of the cruel demons called "children" would wait for me. No, thank you. I was better off as it was then - even with the constant punishment I had to endure.
But then - not everything in Italy was bad. We went to Rome and I had the chance to see some of the really great buildings. I even saw Michelangelo's famous fresco in the Sistine Chapel. It is a wonderful piece of art, but that time it only made me sad. Every human being was pictured with a perfect face and a perfect body. I was concealed with a hooded cloak so my mask would not that easily be seen and - like other children - was more or less begging for coins. With my really thin arms and legs I must have looked really pitiable and I earned quite a lot that day. So much indeed, that it was decided that during Christmas we would not perform but just beg in Rome - Christmas was a good time for beggars.
I guess I was too young to really understand the danger I was in. I was just sitting there as a beggar in rags, trying to use my really horrible appearance once more for profit. Angelica would sit with me and I would have to tell a heartbreaking story of us as mother and child, both injured and ill and in desperate need for help. I guess I was very good in that, for we earned more money than we could have with the shows at that time. I have no idea what would have happened had anyone seen my face - I think I would have been slaughtered.
Well, in spring we turned to the north, they wanted to go back to Austria because Istvan wanted to see if some of his family were still alive, he had not seen them in five years. With that decided we made our way, slowly, always stopping for a few performances, living most of the time from hand to mouth.
I want to tell you a funny little incident before I leave you today - we were still in North Italy when a really wealthy family demanded a private show for them. Since they offered a really generous payment we complied. I do not know why but one of their boys was fascinated by the simple card tricks I could do at that time. He wanted to see one trick after the other until I had to ask Ivan for help for I did not know any more tricks. He was about my age and would have loved to come with us. I remember me laughing hysterically at the mere thought. There was a boy who had everything - a family who loved him, a nice room, a private teacher, a room full of toys and books, the most delicious food to eat his fill each day and he wanted to have my place in the circus - as cold, dirty, hungry as I was often, with all that hard work each day and the harsh punishments I had to endure regularly. Okay, that was a bit too much self-pity. I was not that hungry, truth to be told that I did not have really tasty food but I seldom suffered real hunger.
I asked him if he liked my job as whipping boy - and I did mean that literally - and lowest slave of all. If he wanted that, he would have to starve himself until he looked as bad as I and cut off his nose. I took off my mask to show him that my face was really my face and not just some mask or make-up I wore for the show. He pissed himself and ran off, this time all the circus children laughed at him and mocked him. Yes, I was a sick little bastard sometimes, but then, what was to be expected? I truly hated him for having everything and demanding even more while begrudging me what little I had.
Please do not ask me why, but that day was some sort of watershed in my standing in the circus. I do not know why but when we all stood there, laughing at that pampered little chicken running off crying like a baby girl with his wet pants I got some sort of acceptance from them. It was as if they accepted that I was one of them, one of those hardened, hard working children who had to grow up far too soon in order to survive. It was a rather good feeling, despite everything they had done to me, to be accepted. And for the first time I understood Ivan and why he had chosen to be a scary magician. I had so much enjoyed frightening that boy, suddenly I decided that Ivan was right - I was a natural at being scary, so with his teaching, I could one day even surpass him.
Well, it surely is late, my friend. I hope I did not bore you? No? Thank you, you are much too indulgent. Have a good night!
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