Invasion of Hueco Mundo.
"Ruff Ruff. Ruff Ruff!"
"Yammy! Tell your dog to shut up I am trying to take a nap."
"You're asking the wrong guy. Hey Starrk tell your child to stop talking to me."
"Why are you asking me. Tell her yourself."
"Starrk. Get this dog to stop barking."
"Why is everyone coming to me?"
"Starrk! If you don't shut this thing up I will never forgive you."
"zzzzzzzzzzzz"
"Yammy!"
"zzzzzzzzzzzz"
"Ruff Ruff Ruff!"
"Ah well. Kukkapuro and Lillinette sure are getting along." Said Gin.
"Yes they do. Tousen! Schedual an espada meeting!"
"Right away."
"Hey Gin this is the best bit."
"Hello doggy. Aren't you a cute doggy. Who is the cutest doggy? You are the cutest doggy! Oh yes you are. Oh yes you are."
"Remarkable. Lillinette follows the same inconsistant personalities that Starrk has."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Meet the espada. As they walk into the room all 9 of them and whoever that guy with the long head is, we get to know their true power. Okay who am I trying to fool. They are 10 idiots. I am not even going to pretend that Aaroniero doesn't exist. I mean seriously non of them know any desency. Nnoitra has his legs on the table, Szayel Aporro is playing with his hair, Starrk is taking a nap, Zommari is being the asshole he is, Barragan is being as useless as ever. Aaroniero is Aaroniero and Tia is dumb but might I add stunningly beautiful. Grimmjow, he is giving into his cat instincts and following the laser pointer Ulquiorra is pointing in front of him. Yammy is crushing Aaroniero without even knowing he is there.
"Wow. This is the audience first impressions of the espada. Lets get some dialoguw out of them."
"Yammy get off of me. I can't breath."
"Hello espada. Fancy a cup of tea?"
"Lord Aizen. I can't drink tea. My hollow hole is in my neck. It would just fall out." Ulquiorra complained.
"Don't talk to me until you had your tea. Otherwise that will disrupt my plan."
"What happens if your plan is disrupted?" Aaroniero asked.
"Who said that? Come out so I can show what happens to people who disrupt my plan!"
All of the espada save for Aaroniero started drinking their tea.
"Okay now that everyone had their tea. It's time to talk."
"I was taking a nap Aizen. I promise that if it is not not something serious like an invasion I will scream."
"Well guess what Starrk. It is an invasion. 3 people are attacking us."
"Only 3? I thought it was an army." Said Barragan.
"They are after our friend Orihime."
"She is the 4th invader but she was captured so now we are down to a shinigami, a human and a quincy." Ulquiorra explained.
"You get plenty of shinigami and humans but I cannot believe my eyes is that a quincy?" Asked Szayel Aporro.
"Yes fool. A quincy. Go disect one or better yet, turn him gay." Grimmjow replied.
"Shut up. You're hair is blue."
"You're hair is pink."
"It's not pink its lightish red."
"You lost your rank."
"You lost your arm and your rank."
"You stole my house."
"You stole my youth!"
"What are you two talking about?" Asked Starrk.
"A failed mission resulting in the loss of my youth." Szayel Aporro complained.
"Szayel Aporro. I am about to tell you something and you are going to take it not like a woman but like a man."
"What Nnoitra."
"Shut up."
"Says the one who is always trying to get under every espadas nerves."
"Guys calm down. There is a more important task at hand." Aizen interrupted.
"Hey that one looks fami-famn-fara-"
"Familiar Yammy. It is pronounced familiar."
"That is Ichigo Kurosaki. He is deceptively strong for-"
"He is so strong that I beat him up with one arm." Yammy interrupted.
"You jackass. I was the one who beat him up with a single arm!" Grimmjow replied.
"My arm was tied behind my back."
"No Yammy it was cut off." Ulquiorra corrected.
"My arm was completely destroyed."
"Yes but I managed to take out 3 peopke including Ichigo."
"I took on 3 people including... wait. Dammit."
"That just goes to show you. Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." Said Aizen.
"How can you call them strong. They look weak as hell."
"You need to find a better voice actor Nnoitra. You sound like a mouse with a deep voice." Said Tia.
"You need to calm down."
"I am perfectly calm. You are the one sweating. Look at you. With a hole in your head."
Grimmjow got up from his chair.
"Hey Grimmjow. Where are you going?"
"I am going to kill these pests."
"No thanks Grimmjow. It wouldn't be any fun if that happened. I would rather stick with my general plan."
"What is your plan?"
"Well it is simple. We go to Karakura town and use the souls to create the ouken which we then invade the royal palace and I become the new soul king."
"Well that would be great. After that I will no longer call you Lord Aizen but King Aizen." Said Zommari.
"About that, non of you will be alive."
"How come?"
"Because you all will be dead. You see two of you would have already been taken out by the invaders. The empty 9th seat and Grimmjow."
"How would I of all people be taken out?"
"Because you were taken out by Ichigo and then afterward Nnoitra finishes Grimmjow and nearly kills Ichigo but then former espada Neliel saves him then fights Nnoitra only to fail to stop him. Meanwhile Zommari and Szayel Aporro will also mobilize and take down the invaders and at the last possible moment when everyone is about to fall, the captains arrive. Szayel Aporro, Nnoitra and Zommari will appear to have the upper hand but then it turns out the captains were just messing with you and easily kill you 3. After that espadas Ulquiorra and Yammy defend Las Noches and die trying while espadas 3 and lower go to Karakura town, besiege the city and die trying."
"Why should we work for you? We were basically created to die."
"Not true. I also plan to kill Tousen. You see his death will be hilarious. He will be like 'Lieutenant. I want to see your face before I die' and then after a happy redemption I swoop in and kill him. It is so hilarious. And Gin well Gin will betray me and he will use his crazy technique which will pierce my chest but nothing will happen and I will kill him afterward."
"Why do you need any of us than?" Grimmjow asked.
"Simple. Because I'm bored."
"I like your honesty. I am in."
"Me too."
"Count me in."
"I am willing to die for King Aizen."
"All hail Lord Aizen!" Said every espada except Grimmjow.
"Don't worry Tousen and Gin. None of that will happen."
"No?" Tousen replied.
"The espada are way too hilarious to die. Seriously. I will keep them just so I can not kill myself out of boredum. And you two. I need you two to keep me safe."
XXXXXXXXX
"Run Yasutora Sado."
"Why though. My opponent looks skinny and weak."
"I don't blame you. You don't know who I am yet." Nnoitra replied.
"You need to run. There is no time to explain."
"I still am waiting for a reason why I shouldn't fight him."
"He is strong!"
"So am I."
"I see you dancing around the idea that I am an espada." Nnoitra added.
"Oh shit I need to run."
"Wait!" Nnoitra yelled.
"What."
"Has my voice actor improved or what?"
"Yeah its way better than the last scene the audience saw."
Chad readied his left arm.
"La Muerte El Diablo!"
Chad punched Nnoitra with everything he had but that only caused him to bend.
"I thought Aizen said not to underestimate you. Too bad he was wrong."
XXXXXXXXX
Ulquiorra walked into Orihime's room.
"Hey woman."
"My name is Orihime."
"Okay whatever you say woman."
"Ugh. What do you want?"
"I want you to eat. I want to see your high metabolism in action."
"How do you know I have high metabolism."
"Have you seen what you eat? I am suprised you cannot sink the Titanic. I am surpised that you are so thin and light as well. Not so much as a flab or a kidney stone."
"Ah please its too much. I thought I was getting fat."
"No. You need to keep eating. Otherwise you might get thin and die."
"Flattery will get you nowhere. Why did you come here?"
"You're friends aree here. I want you to cross them out of your mind. Even Ichigo Kurosaki. Especially Ichigo Kurosaki. He is the first person you should forget. If I were you I would be disgusted with him. I would be angry that he came and chosen to get himself killed. By me."
Orihime slapped Ulquiorra.
"Don't talk about Ichigo like that!"
"Just eat your food. I will go."
"Go where?"
"Somewhere. Maybe with a stepping stool and a rope. Or visit Szayel Aporro."
XXXXXXXXX
"What is going on. Its day time already?" Rukia asked herself.
"On the contrary it is always night time."
Rukia turned to see who said that.
"Hey. Over here."
"Why do you have such a long head."
"You will learn soon enough."
Rukia followed Aaroniero into a chamber.
"Sorry I cannot stand the sunlight. The darkness is the only way I can make my presence known."
"Who the hell are you anyway?"
"My name is Aaroniero. Aaroniero Arruruerie. Also known as the 9th espada."
"You changed your name to something that retarded?"
"Well actually I am Kaien Shiba."
"How are you still alive? I killed you. Ran you through. Dead."
"Oh Rukia. Just like I remember you."
XXXXXXXX
"Are you robbng me?"
"Yes."
"Okay. What do you want. My zanpakuto, my purse, my wallet, my money, my virginity?"
"Virginity?"
"Yes. You might be trying to rape me as well."
XXXXXXXX
"Anyway. Enough of your jokes."
"I know your not Kaien Shiba. I have no idea what you are."
"What ever are you talking about."
"Kaien does not smell like infected cheese on a hot plate."
Rukia blasted a hole in the wall with hado 73.
"Oh shit. The light my number one weakness."
"I think the reason nobody knows you exist is because you spend too much time in the dark."
"At least someone might notice the smell."
"You must die now and I must find Orihime."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. The last thing I need is your pity."
"No I mean I'm sorry but I can't let you do that."
Aaroniero tried to morph back into Kaien.
"Can you not? It will be easier on me to kill you without Kaien's face. This fight is so boring everyone in the audience is sleeping and the writer of this fanfic is rushing to get this over with. Any moment he might make you die for no reason."
"Well I better hurry up and use my ressurrection."
XXXXXXXX
"I have a weird feeling one of the espada used their ressurection. But not a single alive arrancar is in his ressurection."
"This is strange isn't it Master Nnoitra."
"Yeah lets just keep moving."
"Wait. I will not let you move while I have strength."
"Hit me with everything you got than."
Chad moved in for the kill but Tesra blocked his attack.
"Dammit Tesra you fool. Don't get in my way. Ever! Never in your life."
"Nnoitra. I have something to tell you."
"What Tesra."
"I sinned against you master. I caught myself thinking, my spoon is too..."
Nnoitra moved faster than lightning and placed his Santa Teresa at Tesra's neck.
"Too what? Too what? You'ree spoons to what? You're spoons to big? You're spoons to freaking big. Is that what you were gonna say Tesra? Is that what you were gonna say you little bitch?"
"No Nnoitra. I wasn't going to say that."
"What were you gonna say?"
"I caught myself thinking my spoons to small. My spoon is too small."
"That's not what you were gonna say!"
"Yes it was Nnoitra. That is why I have sinned. You and spoons should never be mixed or confused. Please punish me Nnoitra."
"Ugh. I don't know what to do with you."
XXXXXXXXXX
"STD's. Even anime gets them!"
"Hey. Espada! Who gave you permission to break the fourth wall?"
"Sorry."
"You will be."
Meanwhile something happens, Rukia was in the air and Aaroniero had her on a trident.
"Yay the author favors me that is why he warped physics and I have the advantage."
"He gave me a new ability to finish you quickly."
"Wait what?"
"San No Mai."
"Ah shit. Brain freeze!"
"Be quite. You don't have a brain. Or ears. Or a face. Or good looks or a decent smell."
XXXXXXXXX
Ulquiorra laid with his arms over his feet facing the corner and shaking.
"Hey Ulquiorra what's wrong with you?" Asked Grimmjow.
"I think I have Post Tramatic Stress Syndrom."
"What did you do about it."
"Well I injected myself with poison but my hierro stopped that. I then took and acid bath but my hierro protected me. I then hung myself but it turns out hollows don't need fresh air."
'Perfect. This is the best opportunity to strike at Ulquiorra's pride. Orihime! Or maybe I should just let it go.'
"Can you visit the woman."
"Why."
"Loly and Menoly might be there."
Grimmjow disappeared leaving nothing but a dust cloud.
XXXXXXX
"My goodness. That was the worst hole I have ever fell through. I was falling for decades. All I had to entertain myself were fashion magazines." Renji complained.
"This is great."
"Who said that?"
"That would be me. My name is Espada number 8 Szayel Aporro Granz."
"You're name is espada number 8?"
"Oh wait. My rank is espada number 8. My name is Szayel Aporro Granz and other espadas call me gay lord."
"You look gay that is strike one."
"Speaking of strikes. We should do a 3 strike system. 3 Strikes and your out."
"Out of lives?"
"Out of Las Noches."
"Then I will be the first to end you. Bankai! Hihio Zabimaru!"
"I wish I can say that is strike one."
"Are you kidding me?"
Renji's bankai suddenly exploded.
"No I am not."
"That's it. I have my shikai and brute force."
"And I data."
"Roar Zabimaru!"
Renji usedd his shikai to overwhelm Szayel Aporro.
"Here comrs strike one."
"Nope."
Szayel Aporro deflected Renji's attack.
"Dammit."
"Here comes strike one."
Szayel Aporro slashed at Renji.
"Strike one."
"How did you manage to hit me from that distance?"
"Magic."
"That's not fair."
"Yeah well life isn't fair especially when you're in my company."
"What company do you work for?"
"Szayel Industries."
"Well I am going to make strike one now!"
Renji moved in for the kill but his zanpakuto was blocked by Szayel Aporro's hierro.
"How the hell is this fair?"
"I came prepared. Remember, I am the boss of Szayel Industries."
"Master Szayel Aporro!"
"Master Szayel Aporro!"
"Master Szayel Aporro!"
"Master Szayel Aporro!"
"What are they?" Renji asked.
"This is the birth of one of the most annoying opponents in Bleach Brave Souls. Also my fraccions."
"An espada is dead!"
"Dead!"
"Yes dead!"
"Ugh dammit."
"What?"
"I missed everyones reactions. It was so hilarious and I missed it. Hold on a sec."
XXXXXXXX
"Wow. The 9th espada is dead. Wait. There is no 9th espada." Nnoitra contemplated.
XXXXXXXX
"9th espada? Hey Halibel I have a report. Something about the 9th espada."
"You dumb bitch there is no 9th espada." Apacci screamed.
"You think I don't know that? Shut fuck up!"
"Come on guys. Stop arguing. You two are like beasts before our master."
"Shut up Sun Sun!"
"Girls girls. Relax. There is obviously an anomolie we must investigate."
XXXXXXX
"That idiot. He begs me to notice him and then he dies." Barragan sighed.
XXXXXXX
"Huh. I had a dream that someone weak just killed me." Said Yammy.
XXXXXXX
"Starrk!" Lillinette placed her hand in Starrk's mouth causing him to wake up immediately.
"Ah! What the hell."
"Starrk an espada died. I have no idea who?"
"Why are you coming to me?"
XXXXXXXX
"Oh and I got names as well. Rukia Kuchiki also died at the same time."
Renji struck Szayel Aporro with all he had but his hierro blocked it.
"That's it. Strike one. Now move and get out of my way."
"Sorry, we are on even ground. The score is 1-1. First to 3."
"Well all I need to do is get you two more times."
"About that-" Szayel Aporro used high speed regeneration to cover up the scar on his face. "-I am at 0 strikes now."
"What? Are you fucking kidding me?"
"1-0."
"Strike 3 is about to come." Renji manuevered his Zabimaru around Szayel Aporro and used it the grind Szayel Aporro but no damage came out of that.
"No strikes."
"Dammit!"
"I am bored. How about we wrap this up."
"Are you finally going to fight me head on?"
"Hell no. Fracciones. Deal with this guy in the most light manner without getting the body mangled."
Several strange arrancar showed themselves.
"What are those?"
"These are fracciones. I have the most in number but mine are also special."
"How?"
Szayel Aporro sighed.
"I'll fire up the arrancar encyclopedia."
XXXXXXXXXXX
The Arrancar Encyclopedia
"Hello everyone. Today I will teach you about fraccions."
"Fracciones are numbered 11 and up and are chosen subordinates of the espada."
"The fracciones are often close to their espada. Take Starrk and Lillinette. Despite the fact they constantly annoy eachother, they have an unbreakable bond. Tia needs something to keep her occupied and there is a reason she only chose female fracciones. Grimmjow's fracciones were with him since he was an adjuchas hollow. There is no rule about fracciones, in fact mine are very special."
Szayel Aporro pulled out one of his fracciones and took a bite out of it.
"Mine also make a tasty snack."
"Hey Szayel Aporro, I thought I was supposed to do The Arrancar Encyclopedia." Said Gin.
"Sorry. I had to take over."
"What are you eating?"
"Subordinate. Want some?"
"No thanks I had subordinate for lunch."
XXXXXXXXXXX
Ichigo sensed Rukia's reiatsu waning.
"Dammit. I need to save Rukia. But I also need to save Orihime. Which one should I do?"
"I think you should save Orihime and go back for Rukia." Nel suggested.
"Save Rukia. You must save Rukia." Ulquiorra whispered.
"Who said that?"
"You must save Rukia for she is in great danger. She is alive but barely."
"Hm. I could save Orihime and then have her heal Rukia."
Ulquiorra came out and revealed his presence.
"No, I cannot let you be my rival. You must die."
"Why do I have to die. What am I your rival for."
"ImaybeinlovewithOrihime."
"You are in love with Orihime?"
"Dammit. Not again. You must have some telepathy powers."
"Lets talk about this. I like Rukia, you like Orihime, Orihime likes me, I don't like her back."
"I got the solution."
"What is it?"
Ichigo was sure he could avoid direct combat with the highly lethal espada.
"Since I want you out of the picture and Rukia is dying, how about I kill both of you and you can be reunited in the Soul Society. Then me and Orihime can be happy."
"First I find it strange that someone like you can be happy. And second-"
Ichigo put on his vizard mask and fired a getsuga tenshou at Ulquiorra. However Ulquiorra blocked that attack with remarkable strength but was still overwhelmed.
"This is why I call you a rival. You are much likely stronger than I with that mask."
"Really?"
"No!"
Ulquiorra blasted Ichigo with a lethal cero and kicked him into another building. It happened so fast Ichigo didn't know what to do.
"Quite obviously you are the leader of the espada."
"What was the last thing you heard me say before I blasted you."
"Ah crap."
"I am the fourth strongest."
"Quadruple crap."
Ichigo suffered a serious injury in the chest caused by Ulquiorra's arm.
XXXXXXXX
"No Ichigo is dead and the only people left are Uryu and Renji. But look at Renji, can't even handle thhat gay espada."
"Oh. Orihime lets play a little game shall we?"
"Who said that?"
"It's your friends Loly and Menoly."
"I just noticed something."
"What is it."
"You're friend hasn't even spoken a single line of dialogue. Hey Menoly. Are you okay. You good yeah? Hello anyone home?" Orihime's efforts were met with silence.
"She uh, she is dumb."
"Dumb like retarded?"
"No dumb as in can't speak."
"There is so much negative energy in the room. I think I will take a walk." Orihime tried to walk out of the door but Loly fired a bala at it.
"No. I mist be the first to beat you up. That's how the natural order goes!"
A massive explosion blew the wall to pieces.
"What is the deal with all these explosions?" Orihime asked.
"Grimmjow!"
"Loly!"
Both eyes narrowed as if they were trying to make a look that could kill one another.
"Guys cut it out." Orihime demanded.
"Hey Loly. What are you doing here?"
"I am just having fun at someones expense."
"Well the amount of times I couldn't have fun because of you. It's only fair I get my revenge."
"Revenge?"
"You destroyed my favorite door. Prepare to die."
"Favorite door?"
"Ulquiorra can be such a perv sometimes."
"Oh. I thought that was you."
"Stop talking about me like I am not here!" Said Orihime.
"Oh Orihime. I forgot you were here." Grimmjow replied.
"Can we go back tearing her apart?"
"Here's an idea. Get lost!"
Grimmjow slapped Loly all the way across the room. Menoly tried to fire a ceroat Grimmjow but he caught it and fired it back at Menoly.
"Geez. What's her deal. Can she even talk?"
"Damn you Grimmjow. You are going to pay for this."
"How? Credit card, cash, club card, cheque?" Grimmjow walked up to Loly
"You stay away!"
"Boo!"
"Ah shit. Lord Aizen will make you pay."
"Really?"
Grimmjow knocked out Loly with a swift kick.
"I'll tell you something. Women may be clever but Aizen is more clever."
XXXXXXXXX
"Aizen. If you get rid of Grimmjow than I will give you the most appetising treat of your life."
"Oh. What if I keep Grimmjow and replace you. After all you are one in a million and he is one of 10."
XXXXXXXXX
"Seriously. What idiots."
Grimmjow turned to Orihime.
"Okay you. Heal your scars."
"But-"
"Now woman! I have no time for games."
XXXXXXXXX
Szayel Aporro's fraccions kept getting passed Renji's defense and one of them moved in for the kill.
"Notice how the strike system is still 1-0."
A spirit arrow pierced the giant and killed it.
"Wow. That gay lord wiped the floor with you."
"Hey Uryu. Glad you could help."
"So I take it you know the 3 strikes and your out system."
"I watched closely and I-"
Uryu appeared behind Szayel Aporro.
"Am about to deliver strike one."
Uryu fired his Seele Schnieder at Szayel Aporro.
"Well I will give you that."
"What?"
"The score is 1-1-0. You need two more strikes and I am out." Szayel Aporro added.
"That will be easy with my spirit bow. Just need to use Licht Regen."
"About that-"
Uryu's Ginrei Kojaku disappeared.
"-You're toy needs some new batteries."
"Dammit."
Another fraccion tried to attack Uryu but he was knocked over by Renji.
"I am telling you this is cheating. He is using cheat tactics to the 3 strikes and your out system." Renji explained.
"I have an idea. It might scar you for life." Said Uryu.
"What is it?"
Uryu whispered into Renji's ear.
"As long as it puts him down, I don't care." Renji responded.
"Guys step back. Masochist at work here." Szayel Aporro ordered.
Renji spun his Zabimaru in the air and moved closer to Szayel Aporro. He then closed the distance and used his Zabimaru to create minimal distance between him and Szayel Aporro.
"I am sorry. You are not my type. I am not into this sort of thing anyway."
(Cough Szayel Aporro Granz is Szayel Aporro Gay)
"Hado 31 Shakkaho."
The explosive kido damaged Renji severely but Szayel Aporro not so much.
"Damn you Shinigami. I just ironed this shirt!"
"Strike 2." Said Uryu.
"What?"
"3 Strikes and your out? Well guess what Szayel Aporro. Prepare to move out. Here comes strike 3."
Uryu activated his Sprenger and destroyed everything in the pentagram he drew.
"It's amazing that didn't blow up Renji." Said Uryu.
"That's not important. What's important is we win. We delivered strike 3."
"You two are fools." Said Szayel Aporro.
Uryu and Renji turned to Szayel Aporro.
"I am not out. It's 3 strikes and your out. Well guess what. I am not out."
Szayel Aporro grabbed his fraccion and compressed him into a purple ball and ate him.
"Mmmm. Scrumptious."
Szayel Aporro's injuries were all gone.
"What the?"
"Behold Szayel Industries greatest creation. Edible fracciones. When I eat them all my strikes are down to 0."
"That is the ultimate unfair- Life is more fair than that!" Renji complained.
"Oh you have seen nothing yet." Szayel Aporro turned and left.
"Where are you going?"
"Isn't it obvious. To change. I can't fight like this."
"Hey Renji are you alright?"
"Waaaaahhhh! Where were you this whole time?"
"I was hiding with Pesche." Dondochakka replied.
"Glad to see your alive Ichigo."
"I'm Uryu."
XXXXXXXXX
"Szayel Aporro pulled back, Ichigo is dead, Chad and Rukia are in a fatal position. Aaroniero is dead, Nnoitra is on the move and Grimmjow has taken Orihime. Everything is going according to plan." Said Aizen.