The Battle Of Hueco Mundo
"Well well what have we here." Grimmjow kicked Ichigo's body so it was facing upward.
"Looks like something bat dragged in."
"Hey!"
"Who said that? Show yourselves!"
"I'm over here."
"Over where?"
"Grimmjow I am down here."
"Where?"
"Behind you."
"I can't see you."
"I said behind you not to your left."
"I can't see you."
"Down here."
"Oh Neliel? What are you doing here?"
"Ichigo just bought me here. Speaking of which I don't wanna see you do that to Ichigo. Can't you see he is dead."
"Of course I can see he is dead. I am not blind."
"Show some respect for Ichigo."
"Respect is not something I have on the market."
"Well you better get out of here unless you wanna pay your respects to Ichigo!"
"Um."
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"Ichigo. You knew me only for a few hours and you helped me and my friends to survive in Las Noches and defend me from several arrancars. I am truly thankful and I will free Orihime for you."
"Hey Ichigo. I don't know you that well. It's strange. I came with a vendetta to kill you and here I am paying my respects. I know Ulquiorra killed you. I think he is going through some sort of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom because of it. It is also worth mentioning that you fascinated me in regards of how you fight even though you know you will not win."
"What should we do now?"
"I have one more guest." Grimmjow unloaded a bag he was carrying with him.
"Grimmjow you could have provided better service. That bag was small, cramped and it smelled. Don't even get me started on the temperature." Said Orihime.
"That was only a temporary residence."
"Oh really. I want a refund." Orihime demanded.
"But your not paying."
"Don't care. I need money for that experience."
"Shut up Orihime. Who gave you permission to speak. I ask the questions you give the answers!" Grimmjow yelled.
"When do the questions start?"
"Hey. I'm asking the questions."
"What kind of questions will you be asking?"
"Orihime!"
"Oh sorry is that a question?"
"God dammit why are you so smart but so annoying?" Grimmjow complained.
"I don't know how to answer that question."
"Dammit. That's it you lost your chance to pay your respects to Ichigo."
"Oh that's Ichigo. I didn't recognise him with that hole in his neck. He looks like Ulquiorra kind of."
"Ulquiorra is your height."
"Oh well. Here are my respects to Ichigo Kurosaki. Soten Kisshun I reject."
"Oh that's why I bought you along."
"You forgot?"
"I was so close to killing you."
"You don't say that to a woman Grimmjow."
Ulquiorra arrived with a sonido.
"Who goes here?" Asked Ulquiorra.
"You blind or something. It's me Grimmjow. This is Orihime and then there is... where did Neliel go?"
"Grimmjow have you lost it?" Asked Ulquiorra.
"Hell no. What makes you think that?"
"Neliel was a former espada. She isn't here, she doesn't exist. Halibel, Nnoitra and Szayel Aporro played a bigger role in Aizen's plan than she did."
"Where the hell is she? I saw her a minute ago!"
"Grimmjow. Do you see Neliel now?" Orihime asked.
"Quit trying to psycho analyse me. I swear I saw her."
"Clearly Grimmjow you are seeing things." Said Ulquiorra.
"If I were you I would be the first one to visit Szayel Aporro." Said Orihime.
"No Aizen."
"Yeah. Aizen could use his Hogyoku."
"Or his Kyoka Suigetsu."
"You can also fast for 40 days and 40 nights."
"And do it with your eyes closed."
"Absence of sight makes the heart grow fonder of eyes."
"You're eyes also might be fixed if you look at Tia for longer enough."
"Yeah. She has this charm that works on men and some women if you know what I mean."
"Yeah. After that you're eyes will pick up every detail instantly."
"Or maybe only details that look like Tia."
"What if you stare at Szayel Aporro."
"Yeah. Then you're eyes will pick up every detail. Szayel Aporro and every individual particle."
"Will you two shut up! I swear you both are made for each other . You two are so much alike! You made a big deal over my inability to find Neliel."
"Hey I'm over here."
"Did you hear something woman?"
"My name is not woman!"
"Guys stop arguing I'm over hear."
"I can't see you." Said Ulquiorra.
"Me neither."
"Guys she is over there." Grimmjow sighed.
"Oh. Hi Nel."
"You look a bit small to be Neliel."
"Well I can't help it if I am so thin."
"I said small not thin."
"Hey Ulquiorra. You are causing a disturbance. Get lost!" Grimmjow ordered.
"I can't. I must take the woman."
"NO!" Grimmjow charged at Ulquiorra and fired a cero at him.
"Well I might take this opportunity to-" Ulquiorra charged a cero aimed at Ichigo but Grimmjow caught his cero and both espada's started charging the cero with all their power.
"Let go it's my cero!" Grimmjow demanded.
"Get out of my way Grimmjow!"
"You first!"
Ulquiorra sonido'd out of the way but Grimmjow turned that cero into a Gran Rey Cero and blew the roof off the building.
"Ulquiorra. Say hello to your life before becoming an arrancar." Grimmjow threw a Caja Negaccion into Ulquiorra's hollow hole.
"What did you do to Ulquiorra?" Asked Orihime.
"I placed a ca-caga-kGa-haha- dammit. Where's Ulquiorra when you need him?"
"He is inside another dimension remember?"
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"Caja Negaccion Grimmjow. It is pronounced Caja Negaccion."
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"Hey woman. Hurry up and heal Ichigo."
"You are starting to sound like Ulquiorra."
"Shut up and heal Ichigo so I can pound him into meat."
"You shouldn't have said that because now I am not going to heal him!"
"Don't make angry! It wasn't a request it was an instruction. Do as I command!"
"Or what?"
"Or I will hurt you severely!"
"Oh but if you hurt me that will weaken my will and then I can't heal Ichigo. After all time is of the essence."
"Would you like Ichigo to die?"
"He's already dead."
"Ulquiorra?"
"Not my lover yet."
"Dammit woman stop being defiant!"
Grimmjow placed his hand over Orihime's neck.
"Stop it Grimmjow!" Ichigo grabbed Grimmjow's arm.
"Hey Ichigo your alive!" Said Orihime.
"Let go of me!"
"Okay Orihime. Let's make a run for it."
"No! The plot calls for a long massive fight between you and Grimmjow."
"Fine."
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"Hey. Grimmjow is distorting the atmosphere."
"Is this a sign of the apocalypse?"
"He used a Gran Rey Cero. It's so hot."
"Gran Rey Cero's are one of the many illegal things in Las Noches. Grimmjow shouldn't fire something that powerful."
"Mila Rose, shut the fuck up. Name one espada who follows the rules better than Grimmjow."
"Try every espada."
"Firing Gran Rey Cero's and calling them normal cero's does not make them normal."
"Girls stop fighting. You both look like men. The other espada at least."
"Shut up Sun Sun! Mind your own business will you!" Both of Tia's fracciones yelled.
"You two need to calm down. It's making you unattractive. I have no idea why Tia made you her fracciones."
"She should make Barragan's sick tranny guy her fraccion. It makes him or her or it look better next to you." Apacci replied.
"Are you suggesting him because he is the only one you can compete with?"
"Girls. Girls. Calm down. I am trying to get my beauty sleep." Tia complained.
"You were sunbathing with a pillow on your face." Apacci replied.
"Zommari is known to punch people in their faces when sleeping."
"It's okay Master..."
"That's mistress to you."
"Um. Sure." Mila Rose finished.
"If Zommari tried to do that to you, we would be the first to wake you up." Said Sun Sun.
"Well. I am currently bored so let me take this carbon monoxide and go back to sleep."
"Is that carbon monoxide?"
"Yeah. Szayel Aporro said it was scientifically proven to make people sleepy."
"Master."
"Mistress." She corrected.
"If you're bored why not watch the fight between Grimmjow and this invader."
"Oh he is the invader from earlier. He was the one who was killed by Ulquiorra."
"Ulquiorra killed him?"
"Yeah. Look's like he joined the espada. I bet this is just another spa with the 9th espada and the 6th."
"But didn't the 9th espada die?"
"No. There was no 9th espada."
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"I sense an epic fight happening. And I am not in it! Ichigo why are all the epic fights with you in it?" Kenpachi complained.
"If you want you can come to Hueco Mundo instead of me." Soi Fon suggested.
"Oh yes. I sense an epic fight a filler and approximately 5 more episodes away!"
"You just wanted to see Yoruichi beat up Aizen didn't you." Said Byakuya.
"You can't prove that!"
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"Dammit. You can't beat me. You are too weak."
"I am stronger than you. Grimmjow you need to give up. This is a loosing battle."
"No! I must beat you. It's either you are me!" Grimmjow charged but Ichigo noticed it wasn't toward him. A laser was being shined on the ground. Suddenly a giant weapon hit Grimmjow and knocked him over.
"Oh no. Grimmjow lost against the laser pointer." Said Nnoitra.
Nnoitra walked closer to Ichigo.
"Damn you Nnoitra. You tricked me into thinking that Ichigo was the embodiment of the dot devil."
"Oops. My bad. Good work Tesra."
"Yay. Master Nnoitra noticed me."
"Hey." Ichigo called.
"Ugh. What do you want?" Nnoitra asked.
"Why did you do this to Grimmjow? He was a fine lad."
"He pierced your girlfriends body, severely injured you, almost killed your girlfriend, caused massive destruction in your city, Aizen's plan only knows what Grimmjow did to your other friend, he imprisoned your friends future boyfriend, threatened your woman, stuffed her in a bag, almost killed her with a Gran Rey Cero, did everything in his power to kill you and you still call him nice."
"Well yeah."
"Hey Grimmjow. Not only were you defeated by this moron but he might have the hots for you."
"Shut up! I do not like Grimmjow!"
"That's what you said about Renji, Uryu, Chad, Orihime, Byakuya, Kenpachi and Rukia."
"At no point did I not say I don't like them and how do you know their names?"
"All anomalies can be related to Aizen's dumb plan."
"I am surprised Aizen doesn't get you for this."
"I am not afraid of Aizen." Nnoitra swung his Santa Teresa at Ichigo.
"Why are you so strong. You look so skinny I could use you as a toothpick. Or a spoon."
"Oh. Ichigo has really done it." Nel whispered.
"That guy is going to die." Said Tesra.
"I am going to go before things get out of hand." Orihime tried to walk away but Tesra grabbed her.
"Look at this. I am in a position to do anal right now." Tesra smirked.
"Ichigo help me! There is a pervert who has taken me prisoner!"
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"Ulquiorra's blog number 123; I grow sick. I am unable to correct peoples mispronunciations nor am I able to save woman when she is in danger. This caja negaccion is really a pain. I can sense it. Woman is about to get sexually assaulted."
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"What did you say?" Nnoitra asked.
"I said I could use you as a spoon."
Nnoitra flattened Ichigo with his hand then swung his Santa Teresa hitting Ichigo like a golf ball.
"Ow. That really hurt!"
"Next time you shouldn't call me a spoon."
"Why not?"
"Because nobody can make fun of me and get away with it!"
"Hey Nnoitra. Can you please stop moving. My satellite connection keeps getting disrupted because of your constant moving." Tia yelled.
"How is your connection suffering because of my movements?"
"Simple. You keep changing the channel everytime you tilt the direction of your dish."
"How come she gets to get away with it?" Ichigo asked.
"Because. She is too far away."
"That's not all is it?"
"You're right. Take a closer look at her."
Ichigo focused on the arrancar and only one thing came to his mind once he could properly see her. She may be the hottest babe Ichigo has ever laid eyes on.
"Hey are you thinking about that woman?" Nnoitra asked.
"Yes. How did you know?"
"I can see you're bodies physical reaction."
"What!"
Ichigo tried to think about disgusting thoughts. Turn offs. Bugs, toe nails, a day with Kenpachi.
"Ichigo. How can you fall victim to your over there in a time like this?" Orihime asked.
"It's not my fault. She distracted me."
"That thing is obviously going to be a distraction to you. Better get rid of it." Nnoitra aimed his Santa Teresa at Ichigo's dick.
"Stop it! Don't hurt my everything!"
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"It seems you have given him a real disadvantage Tia." Said Sun Sun.
"Not my fault. He was just perving on me."
"The thing about you Master- I mean Mistress is that nobody can resist you." Mila Rose replied.
"Yeah. I swear, you are like medusa. Any man who looks at you turns into stone." Apacci added.
"Well I can't help but look good. How do you fight it off anyway? Do you also turn into stone or something?"
"Fighting you off is way harder than it looks." Said Apacci.
"There's something we agree on." Mila Rose added.
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"Remember kids. While the sexual jokes are still in the air. Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and free hanging. It's the women that make it hard." Said Szayel Aporro.
"How did you get here? And why are we back here?" Uryu asked.
"Simple. I reworked the corridors, the pathways, everything. I am back in action."
"Aizen dammit." Renji said.
"No its not Aizen dammit. It is... wait you got it right."
"What did you expect us to say?" Asked Uryu.
"Aizen's plan dammit."
"Hey Szayel Aporro. When can we cut to the chase?" Renji asked.
"Well. My fracciones somehow disappeared so I guess I have no choice but to start a stand up comedy."
"A what?"
Szayel Aporro pulled out a microphone.
"Testing." The microphone made a loud scream.
"That thing nearly killed my ear drums." Said Renji.
"Why did the shinigami cross the road?"
"I don't know." Uryu replied.
"To kill the quincies on the other side."
"You're an asshole."
"I heard Nnoitra became a teacher. It is too bad he only had one pupil."
"I don't know what he is referring to." Said Renji.
"Come on. The eye patch. The one eye. The one pupil. Nobody got it."
"That is terrible."
"Well. Grimmjow was coughing up hair balls last night. I thought it was a catastrophe but now he is feline much better."
"Boo!"
"This is on right."
"Unfortunately."
"I just remembered I have to not be here." Pesche tried to run but Renji grabbed him.
"If we have to be here. So do you." Renji responded.
"Come on this is as good as it gets."
"This is worse than Aizen's ability to kill anyone who isn't his subordinate." Said Pesche.
Renji and Uryu chuckled a little.
"Seriously. What is he going to do to the Soul King? Make him kill himself?"
Renji and Uryu were still giggling.
"Don't listen to him! Hey you stop being funny!"
"How about you start being funny." Pesche replied.
"Oh you want to see a joke? I'll give you one."
"Wow. Assuming I don't kill myself."
"So. What is white at the top and black at the bottom."
Everybody sighed.
"Society. This is why every gang of thugs needs at least one white man in it. Because when shit goes down. Somebody needs to talk to the police."
"That was sadly the funniest joke I heard from him." Said Uryu.
"Black people are just naturally afraid of the police."
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Zommari was stopped by Rudoborn.
"Spread your cheeks and lift your sac."
"What the fuck?"
"You heard me. Spread open your cheeks and lift your sac."
"I am an espada. Check my tattoo it will prove who I am. What does that prove? I can't go to Aizen like that."
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"I don't have any id wait a minute check my ass."
"Oh I'm sorry Mr. Black right this way. Why didn't you spread your cheeks sooner?"
"I thought this was a bad joke stand up comedy." Said Renji.
"If you want a bad joke. I will give you a bad joke. The fact such spoiled brats such as yourself dare not laugh at my initial jokes. I had to pull out my best material. That to me is the worst joke I ever heard."
"Try running through long corridors, steep stairs and falling through holes that take forever to fall through." Renji replied.
"Sip Fornicarás."
Szayel Aporro's transformation caused a multitude of sounds. Mostly moaning in the sexual kind of way.
"My gaydar is off the scales." Said Uryu.
"Szayel Aporro's gayness is over 9000!" Renji added.
"Oh I think I'm on my period." Szayel Aporro squirted purple goo out of his back and into the air.
The liquids cremated Renji and Uryu.
"Ugh. It got in my mouth!" Uryu screamed.
Renji and Uryu clones emerged from the liquid.
"You might be a bigger troll than Aizen." Said Uryu.
"Me? Please I could never even if I wanted to."
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"Hey where did Nel go? Nel? Neliel? Nel where are you? Come at so I can kill you you fuck stick!" Nnoitra called.
"I will not let you lay a hand on Nel." Ichigo charged toward Nnoitra.
"Hey asshole."
"What?"
"Fuck off." Nnoitra swung his Santa Teresa at Ichigo and brought him to the ground.
"Stop that. Can't you see that Ichigo is hurt?" Orihime cried.
"Silence. Can't you see I am a praying mantis. I prey on the weak. I catch you off guard." Nnoitra replied.
"You didn't catch him. Grimmjow did."
"Good point. Now allow me my counter point." Nnoitra pulled Ichigo's hand causing him to scream.
"Please stop mantis man!" Ichigo cried.
"He isn't a preying mantis. He is a hooded mantis."
"Who said that?" Asked Nnoitra.
"It's me. Neliel."
"So you finally reverted to your old form have you?"
"Yay. Nnoitra can prove his dominance over Nel." Tesra said in a quite and passive/excited voice.
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"Hey look. Master, another woman." Apacci pointed out.
"Oh she is so good you can't call me mistress?"
"No. Another woman look. She has like emerald hair or something."
"Oh its her. She will never get a girlfriend as beautiful as me however."
"True that."
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"So Neliel. How do you plan to finish our unfinished business?" Nnoitra asked.
"How about, we slice it in pieces!" Neliel slashed Nnoitra across his chest.
"How did you manage to cut me?"
"I can cut your hierro like a hot knife through butter."
Nnoitra tried to cleave Neliel in half but she jumped in the air and avoided it.
"Hey. I can see your pussy."
"Yay. Nnoitra finally saw what was underneath Neliel's pants." Said Tesra in a quite but excited and somewhat passive voice.
Nnoitra tried to search for Neliel.
"Hey Nel where are you?"
"Over here."
"Over where?"
"Behind you dumbass."
Nnoitra turned around and saw Neliel.
"Falcon Punch!" Neliel sent Nnoitra flying.
"That was for being a peeping Tom you pervert."
Nnoitra got up and fired a cero.
"Eat this!"
"As you wish." Neliel replied.
Neliel sucked Nnoitra's cero into her mouth and fired it back outward to Nnoitra.
"No Master Nnoitra was defeated." Said Tesra in a depressed, quite and passive voice.
Tesra went after Nnoitra.
"Hey Nel. My wrist is kind of broken. Mind spitting on me?" Ichigo asked.
"What if I use Soten Kisshun? That will work right?"
"Oh sorry Orihime. It's just that... Ok I got nothing. Can I please get reunited with my sister?"
"But Nel is an arrancar and you are part human, part hollow, part shinigami, part quincy, part vizard and part fullbringer."
"Brother!"
"Wait Nel. You might-"
Neliel's grip on Ichigo became so strong that it started choking him.
"Ichigo are you sure you don't want me to heal you?" Asked Orihime.
"Yeah. I'm fine." Ichigo barely said.
"Dammit Tesra. Stop sounding so passive." Nnoitra stood up from his injuries.
"But Nnoitra, your hood. It is- it is broken."
"It's fine. It's not like I was gonna use it anyway."
"Hey Nnoitra I told you to stop moving and look now my satellite connection is down because that woman totally kicked your ass." Yelled Tia.
"This is getting ridiculous." Said Orihime.
"Shut up! I will beat you up if you don't shut up right now."
"I see you gotten to know Nnoitra." Said Neliel.
"Yeah. He is a real jerk. I swear Aizen never punishes this guy. Ever."
"Yeah. He once said the you know what word to Aizen."
"He says more than the you know what word. I don't even know how Aizen puts up with him."
"Well he can ignore one espada. I guess he can ignore two."
"Stop talking about me. You two deserve to live in the kitchen!"
"Yeah!"
"Hey Tesra. Shut up."
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"Hey what happened to the three strikes and your out system?" Asked Renji.
"You still wanna play that game?" Szayel Aporro asked.
"Hell no!" Said both Uryu and Renji.
"Okay fine. I will instead give you an advantage. This will be most valuable to you seeing as you are struggling so badly."
"What is the advantage."
"Why haven't you put two brain cells together and realize I have unsealed the trap that replaces bankai's and spirit bows with confetti."
"Because every time they try to use a bankai or spirit bow it turns into confetti!" Uryu replied.
One of the Uryu clones summoned a spirit bow but it exploded and made a loud sound to go with it as well as spraying confetti everywhere.
"Fine. I allow you to use your bankai's and spirit bows."
"Yay. I finally get to defeat all of you and escape this stupid place." Said Renji.
"You forget that they can use bankai to." Szayel Aporro responded.
"Bankai! Hihio Zabimaru!"
"You idiot. You can't use something that powerful here!"
"Bankai!"
"Bankai!"
"Bankai!"
"Bankai!"
"Bankai!"
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Zoom to the outside structure.
*We present to you the WTF Boom clip on top of Szayel Aporro's palace exploding.
"Glad you survived long enough to see my genius plan at work."
"Shut up Renji. Your plan is stupid."
"How dare you destroy my palace. I worked so hard to make it and you just blown it to smithereens." Said Szayel Aporro.
"Thus ends attack of the clones. Now I ain't cleaning up that mess." Szayel Aporro added.
"Neither are we!" Uryu fired his Ginrei Kojaku at Szayel Aporro but he blocked it with his wings.
"Behold. Szayel Industries must live on. Fortunately, this is only a small setback. In fact this isn't even a set back."
"What are you going to do?" Asked Renji.
"See these butterfly wings?"
"Yeah."
"They allow me to sew together a doll. I like to play with these dolls."
Szayel Aporro pulled a voodoo doll out of nowhere.
"Is that supposed to be me?" Uryu asked.
"Yes it is. Say good night." Szayel Aporro snapped one of the organs of the doll.
"Ow my lugnuts!" Barragan yelled.
"Oops. I must have did something wrong." Szayel Aporro smashed another organ.
"Aw there goes my last kidney. I was saving that one for a special occasion."
"Thankfully I still have his spleen ball."
"You are a monster." Said Renji.
"How old is that guy who's kidney you crushed." Asked Uryu.
"Not even Aizen's plan knows."
"How are you going to defeat us now."
"With my hands behind my back and the power of telekinesis."
Szayel Aporro crushed Uryu's stomach causing him to vomit it out.
"Did you just vomit your own stomach out?"
"This is fun."
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"Hey Neliel. It's been a long time since I saw that ridiculous resurrection form of yours."
"Oh yeah. That reminds me." Neliel pulled out a bucket.
"You missed out on a whole lot of in my absence." She added.
"You not going to get me to milk you. Are you. Seriously are you?"
"Nnoitra!"
"No! I refuse. You are not an espada anymore."
"But I still outrank you. You don't have the third position anymore or at all. You never had it."
"Well I will show off my resurrection to you about now!" Said Nnoitra.
"Breeze Gamuza!" Neliel transformed.
"Ha! I tricked you into using your resurrection before I did. Prepare to meet your maker!"
"I already met him. Aizen right?"
"Right."
"Here's the problem with your plan Nnoitra. It's nowhere as good as Aizen's plan."
Neliel suddenly reverted into her child form again.
"Are you sure about that?" Nnoitra kicked Nel.
"No! Not Nel."
"Hey dumbass. Sit down." Nnoitra slammed Ichigo's head into the sand.
"Tesra. He's all yours."
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Szayel Aporro felt something slimy touch his hair.
"Agh! It's so slimy and it's in my hair! Get it off! Get it off!" Szayel Aporro screamed.
It started raining that slimy substance.
"Oh. I should've used an umbrella."
Szayel Aporro used his wings to shield himself but the slimy substance got through and Szayel Aporro was soaked in the slimy substance.
"This is great."
"Ha! Got you Szayel Aporro! Now watch me as I hit you from where you least expect it!" Pesche grabbed into his loin cloth and started shaking.
"Okay that's disgusting."
"Wait it is going to come out." Said Pesche.
Pesche slashed Szayel Aporro's arm with a blade he was concealing.
"Nice to show my superior swordsman skills."
"You are annoying!"
Pesche and Dondochakka fused their cero's together and fired it at Szayel Aporro.
"Aren't you supposed to do the fusion dance or something?" Asked Szayel Aporro.
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"Women. They are just a burden to society. Especially when they have flat chests like that." Said Zommari.
XXXXXXX
"For some reason the scene keeps changing to show off how badly the protagonists are losing. Oh well. Let's kill these Illegal Mexican Immigrants." Said Rudoborn.
XXXXXXX
"Because you didn't do the fusion dance. I was able to defuse your cero. You really need to watch Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball Xenoverse and Dragon Ball Super."
"Dammit. Why do we keep losing all the time?" Uryu complained.
XXXXXXX
"Well it looks like everybody will die. Tesra finish it. End his life."
Tesra moved in for the kill but his powerful lunge was stopped but an even more powerful block.
"What's going on here? Yachiru, you gave me false directions again. This isn't an epic fight!"
"Okay. It's obvious. Death may not be as painless as I would think but regardless this is obviously hell. Orihime is still here, that fucked up espada, Nel is still gone, I feel like shit, I am still in Hueco Mundo and to top it off, the only thing that could possibly make it worse is standing right in front of me."
"Why Ichigo. Every time I see you, you feel like shit. But today is your lucky day." Said Kenpachi.
"Prove it. How can my day be any better?"
Kenpachi sliced Tesra in half.
"No. I still wanted to serve Nnoitra throughout my existence." Tesra cried in a passive and quite voice.
"I can't believe it. You sliced that guy open in one move."
"Have you gotten weak Ichigo? You've gotten weak. Why does the one person I depend on for a good fight get weak when I most need a refreshing fight?"
"Kenpachi. You can't fight that espada. He is too powerful. I ban you from fighting him."
Kenpachi kicked Ichigo in the stomach.
"You think you can have an epic fight with Grimmjow and not let me have so much as one epic fight? Is that what you think?"
"Listen you beast. You will pay for killing my servant who's name I cannot remember for the life of me. Prepare to die."
"Yachiru. Get the camera. This is gonna be awesome!"
Yachiru set the camera on record.
"Now Kenny can really enjoy his fight with nobody interrupting him."
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"Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha..."
"You don't have to keep mocking us with your fake laugh." Said Uryu.
"Wait wait. There's more. Ha."
"I sense spiritual pressure that is familiar."
Szayel Aporro turned around.
"Who are you. I don't recall inviting any clowns to this party."
"Don't insult yourself. You are the clown." Mayuri replied.
"I do not look like those killer clowns going around London on the 10th of October 2016 killing school children. I was one of the people being chased."
"Killer clowns? They probably want to give you a hug."
"He was carrying a 10 inch machete and you expect me to believe he is gonna give me a hug."
"His comedian act certainly improved."
"Hey don't mind the machete, let me give you kiss. NO! FUCK OFF! But I just want to show you my love. WITH A 10 INCH MACHETTE?"
XXXXXXX
"Now pass on. You flat chested female shinigami."
Zommari's sword swiftly ran through the air and stopped about a yoctometer away from Rukia's skin due to the cliche that whenever you hear a small noise you immediately stop killing whoever you are trying to kill.
"That may be a flat chested female shinigami but she is my flat chested female shinigami."
Zommari stared at Byakuya.
"This is not incest." Byakuya added.
"Oh. Incest would make you disabled."
"I know."
"You wanna keep being white and a man. Now you can decide her fate."
"What kind of racist arrancar are you?"
"I am going to be Aizen's assistant during judgement day. That way I can separate heaven and hell from the white people and the black people."
"Will you sentence yourself to hell so I don't have to send you?"
"Yes I will but first. I cannot allow you to pass your resolution to free this woman."
"I am trying not to fight you. You and that other espada are so uninteresting I think I might pull out my bankai right away."
"But first you must deal with my-"
"Bankai. Scatter Senbonzakura Kageyoshi."
"Wait you didn't deal with cloning sonido trick or my eyes."
"Goodbye dumb espada. I really can't be bothered to fight you and the author cannot parody this fight."
"Is it the building? I think it's the building. Both uninteresting fights happened inside a building."
"No it's just that you need to die to make everyone happy."
Byakuya killed Zommari.
"Okay. Now to heal Rukia, wait." Byakuya realized his Senbonzakura flower pedals severely injured Hanataro.
"It's okay Byakuya. Unohana sent me to heal both injuries." Isane Kotetsu said.
XXXXXXX
"Oh dear. You just got voodooized. Whatever will you do?" Szayel Aporro grabbed a piece of an organ and destroyed it causing Mayuri to vomit on Uryu's face.
"Ugh! It got in my mouth!" Uryu screamed.
"Ugh I think I'm on my period again." Szayel Aporro sprayed purple substance all over Uryu.
"Oh Aizen's plan it got in my mouth again! Got any more fluids you scientists would like to spray on me now you stupid cunts!"
Pesche fired his infinite slick at Uryu's face causing him to sigh.
"I knew I should've stayed with my dad today."
"Torturing the quincy is fun. Say your a scientist, why aren't you trying to preserve quincies?"
"Because they are such inferior beings. I have no use for them." Mayuri replied.
"Up for some hunting. I heard its quincy breeding season."
"No. Just no."
One of Szayel Aporro's tentacles erupted from the ground and caught Nemu.
"Somebody laugh at my jokes or the girl gets it!"
"I'm sorry but even I don't get your jokes. In my personal opinion, you should die just for your terrible sense of humor."
"Shut up! Hostage. You will speak only when spoken to!"
"Well since I am being spoken to now, first of all I am not your hostage. I may look like a hostage but I am not."
"Bankai. Konjiki Ashisogi Jizo."
Mayuri summoned a giant caterpillar which breathed a toxic poison.
"Oh god. What are you doing to my skin?"
"I am improving it. It will look better once you are dead."
"You are blistering it!"
Konjiki Ashisogi Jizo picked up Szayel Aporro and presumably ate him.
"You defeated Szayel Aporro. I thought that could never be done." Said Renji.
Nemu began to scream in pain.
"I think I'm on my period!"
"Wait a second. I recognise that dialogue. That's not Nemu. It's Szayel Aporro." Uryu noticed.
"I'm glad you recognized that." Szayel Aporro crawled out of Nemu's down there.
"Aren't you supposed to come out of her mouth?" Renji asked.
"I know what's in the mouth. I don't want to be known as someone who will die over the course of a few million years." Said Szayel Aporro.
"Well espada. Welcome to the family." Said Mayuri.
"Welcome?" Szayel Aporro was confused.
"Yes. You just came out of Nemu's whom and therefore she is now your birth mother."
"Wait so my mother died at birth before I was born and I am my own father because I impregnated her and made her give birth to me and on top of that, she is not only my wife but my mother as well? Not to mention that you are my grandfather?"
"Let me break down everything that is wrong with that." Said Mayuri.
Konjiki Ashisogi Jizo spat out Szayel Aporro number 1.
"What the- that looks like me."
"Hey what am I doing over there? Aren't I over hear."
"You see that was not a resurrection technique. It was an advanced cloning technique." Mayuri explained.
"Meaning?" Szayel Aporro 2 asked.
"You just caused an anomaly there are two of you. But don't worry my bankai will fix that."
Konjiki Ashisogi Jizo ate Szayel Aporro 1 for real.
"Now. He was your father, my lieutenant was your mother. But what if I said he died at birth."
"He? That is my mother you are talking about!"
"Yes but if you call yourself a researcher, you would know that my lieutenant actually had a dick and therefore you erupted from his dick and called him your mother which maybe technically true because he was the one who gave birth to you or he may be your father. Depends on how you look at it."
Szayel Aporro suddenly died of a stroke.
"Is she really a man?" Asked Uryu.
"No she isn't." Mayuri answered.
"Well that's too bad. Szayel Aporro was the first to claim her virginity." Uryu complained.
"Get your mind out of the gutter. Your not going to knock up my daughter any day of the week. Dead or alive."
XXXXXXX
"What the fuck is going on?" Nnoitra screamed.
"Looks like that shinigami is really tearing Nnoitra a new one." Apacci noted,
"Yeah. He looks crazy but you should see him on the battlefield." Said Mila Rose.
"This man is a beast. Nnoitra might pass out on the battlefield." Said Sun Sun.
"He also looks the kind to not go full pervert on me."
"Hey shinigami. If you kill that guy we can give you a much more thrilling fight!" Said Apacci.
"You dumb bitch. What if Tia doesn't want to fight him." Mila Rose replied.
"Calm down. This is a good opportunity to test out his strengths. Tia might be happy for a warm up." Sun Sun responded.
"Hey shut up you dumb bitch! Can't you see I am fighting a weak espada here."
"What did you call me."
"I called you weak! You don't deserve to be called strong."
"Oh shinigami. Hurry up and kill him. I will give you the hardest and most intense fight you will ever have in your life."
"Hey Ichigo. Is it just me or is that woman kind of hot. Kenny would never fall for her though."
"Why not?" Asked Ichigo.
"The only thing that turns Kenny on is hot fights not hot chicks."
"What about you?" Asked Orihime.
"Same."
Kenpachi slashed Nnoitra's skin but failed to cut him.
"Your blade is so soft. Just like your technique!" Nnoitra slashed Kenpachi with his Santa Teresa.
"What a biased fight. You can cut me but I can't cut you."
"I bet you wish you could kill me now."
"No. Lets make this fight longer so I can have some more fun. What do ya say?"
"Don't mess with me boy!"
Kenpachi attacked Nnoitra but missed and caused a sand cloud. Nnoitra spun his Santa Teresa causing a sandy tornado then he threw his Santa Teresa toward Kenpachi.
"Hey."
"What?"
"Give me your sword!"
"That's not a sword that's my Santa Teresa."
Kenpachi grabbed Nnoitra's face and threw him in the sand and then drove his blade into Nnoitra but he dodged it.
"You dodged. Dodging means its dangerous."
"You cannot cut me. I am Luke Cage!"
Kenpachi stabbed Nnoitra through the eye patch.
"Luke Cage is bullet proof. Not stabby proof."
"Your sword can never cut me. I am immune to physical attacks!"
Nnoitra stabbed Kenpachi in his abdomen but that only triggered laughter.
"Stop that! It tickles. You're going to make me giggle!"
"What the fuck are you?"
"Some say my mother was a train! (Abridged reference). Others say I am what happens when you get hit by an 18 wheeler and a bullet train."
Kenpachi sliced Nnoitra vertically and scratched him.
"Ow. I can see blood."
"So it looks like I finally cut you."
"Don't get so excited. You will never cut me again!"
Kenpachi sliced Nnoitra again.
"Says who?"
"Damn you. Why are you so crazy?"
Nnoitra knocked Kenpachi's eye patch off.
"There are not enough fights going on to please me!" Kenpachi slashed Nnoitra causing a massive wound.
"What kind of insanity is this? Don't you have a hint of sanity?"
"Sanity? What would I do with something as useless as that!"
"Very well. If you insist on being such a monstrous creature. I too will become a beast. Prey Santa Teresa!"
Nnoitra's body transformed and he grew an extra 4 arms.
"Oh yeah. The real fight begins. Ichigo, now starts the battle more epic than you versus Grimmjow which achieved a censorship in epicness!"
"Actually the fight was skipped." Ichigo replied.
"Now that you are at your full power, let's finish this!" Kenpachi charged toward Nnoitra only for his attack to get blocked and Kenpachi to be kicked meters away.
"Oh. So you're dead it seems." Nnoitra focused on Yachiru.
"I better kill all the madmen before they repopulate."
"You might wanna look behind you." Said Yachiru as Kenpachi rose back up.
"There is no way I am falling for that trick."
"Seriously. You want to look behind you."
Nnoitra turned around and Kenpachi sliced one of his arms off.
"You concentrated all your power and only sliced off one arm. How pathetic!"
"And I am planing to cut off all your arms one by one slowly and most definitely painfully."
"Great job Kenny. If you slice off all his arms than he can't fight."
"Oh. I will leave you one arm."
"You're an idiot. I thought you would be happy fighting someone with more arms. Imagine fighting someone with one arm. That's the worst disadvantage ever. Also." Nnoitra regenerated his broken arm.
"I can regenerate my lost arms. Now you are history."
"So you are playing hard to get. I like it that way!"
Nnoitra and Kenpachi traded blows but it ended with Kenpachi's blade trying to slice Nnoitra only to be stopped by 4 scythes.
"What's the matter espada? Am I too strong for you?"
Nnoitra pierced Kenpachi's flesh with another arm.
"Remember when I said I would tear you apart with all six of my arms!"
"You never said that." Orihime commented.
"Yes I did!"
"No you didn't." Ichigo replied.
"You didn't say anything about six arms." Yachiru added.
"Well now I have six arms!"
"And we are even!" Said Kenpachi.
"How?"
"We both have holes in us."
"Is this Kenpachi cussing someone? He just cussed the hole in his head." Said Ichigo.
"You are ridiculous. I have six arms and you have several injuries which I have non."
"That makes you all the harder to kill. Bring out some more arms and entertain me!"
Nnoitra ran up one of the red buildings and sliced it causing the top to fall onto Kenpachi but the captain slice it in two and Nnoitra came through the top of the building yelling "Incoming!"
"You shouldn't yell incoming. You should catch me by surprise dumbass."
Nnoitra slashed Kenpachi but that provoked only laughter. Nnoitra kept slicing and slashing Kenpachi but it made him laugh even more.
"WILL YOU STOP LAUGHING! WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT GETTING SLICED UP?"
"Okay fine. If I am not allowed to laugh then I might as well say, nice knowing you Nnoitra. It's been a fun fight."
"You talk as if this fight is over!" Nnoitra charged at Kenpachi but Kenpachi put both hands on his zanpakuto and swung downward inflicting massive damage on Nnoitra.
"You're still alive? That's good. Get stronger so I can beat you again."
"Shut up! A beast like you must learn to..."
Kenpachi ended Nnoitra's life with one sword swing.
"I can't help but feel I've seen this before." Said Ichigo.
XXXXXXX
"No! I must beat you. It's either you are me!" Grimmjow charged but Ichigo noticed it wasn't toward him. A laser was being shined on the ground. Suddenly a giant weapon hit Grimmjow and knocked him over.
XXXXXXX
"I guess it is payback for Grimmjow."
XXXXXXX
"My espada are losing? Don't worry its all part of my plan."