It was a good thing he wouldn't need to see her before the wedding, he wasn't sure he'd manage to keep the mask in place. Not that it had hindered her, he thought bitterly. The rest of the attending he could fool, could behave like a fucking smitten idiot oh so in love waiting for his beloved lady to marry him. He put on a good show, a perfect parody of himself, - no not a parody of himself, what he had been until a day ago: a living parody - and the hurt it brought almost worth it, every idiotic smile, every stupid word slicing himself in pieces, hurting beyond anything, paying the price for his stupidity. He smiled at her family. Yes, let them enjoy their ride while they could. He winked at one of her sisters babbling something stupid as he thought of the bloodbath to come. They thought themselves so clever, but they wouldn't know what hit them when they found out that the Vinsmoke family had mysteriously been informed about their plans. Ignorance was bliss, he thought, at least it worked both ways. He briefly wondered what'd happen to Pudding. Not sure what he should let himself wish. That cold blooded fucking... again he stopped his thoughts. Wasn't it bad enough that she had stolen his heart and made a fool out of him? Should he let her steal all his values- everything that he believed in, too? But what was worse? Just pretending she wasn't a real lady and going on with his hypercritic ignorance, making up exceptions where they didn't fit his picture, or admitting to being wrong after all? It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He had done what he had to do, he'd saved those that mattered and as his final punishment he'd pay the price.
He remembered the talk he had with his sister, after sneaking back to the mansion, after telling her everything. She had taken it rationally, calmly. She hadn't interrupted only listened and quietly accepted what he had told her. Finally she had asked a single question and that - to his own puzzlement- was about him, how he planned to escape, to save himself.
"If I do, they'll know it was I who informed you," he had said. "Even if they don't find out about the Baratie, like you did, they'll track down the straw hats. They'll kill them, they'll do anything to make me pay."
She had shaken her head. "You can't just let her shoot you," she had said.
"That's exactly what I'm going to do," he had answered her and then left. And it had felt better, regaining at least some of the control that had been ripped from him.
But that had been then but now , moments before the ceremony to start, there was almost nothing of that feeling left. Right now he only felt hurt and alone, so utterly and completely alone like he had never felt in his whole, because after his childhood he had made sure that no one had never mattered enough. And that was what he got, he thought. How pathetic. He was a pathetic idiot and he only got what he deserved.